- Every time I create a video
or talk about narcissism, I always have people
in the comments asking, "Wait, maybe I'm a narcissist." Today we're gonna dig
into, are you a narcissist? What are the traits, and how can you know if this is something
you're struggling with? (offbeat inspiring music) If you're new here and
you'd like to subscribe, we would love to have you. I'm Kati Morton, I'm a licensed marriage
and family therapist, and I talk about all things
mental health related, whether it's narcissism, eating disorders, depression, anxiety, and
everything in between. Hopefully you'll learn something new and have some helpful
tips that you can apply to your life today. When it comes to narcissism, it's important to know that someone who is a narcissist has what's called narcissistic personality disorder. And I have an older
video I will link below. I'll walk you through all
the diagnostic criteria because it's important to know that people can have narcissistic traits without having full blown
narcissistic personality disorder. Just like the same way that
I can have some symptoms of anxiety, let's say,
without having a diagnosis of generalized anxiety disorder, right? We can have some of the traits, but not have the full blown disorder. So today I'm gonna walk you through some of the most common traits of a narcissist so you can see if any of it lines up with what
you're going through or maybe someone in your
life is going through. And if you think any of
these traits apply to you, it's really important
to see a professional to get properly diagnosed. Don't think of this video as a way to diagnose
or undiagnose yourself. It's really important that you see a professional
to get proper treatment. The first trait of someone who's a
narcissist is superiority. And this pretty much means that they think that
they do things better, they are better than
everybody else around them. And if you happen to do
something they don't approve of or point out something in their life, let's say you walk into their house, and you're like, "Oh, I think
that could be a blue wall instead of that, they will burn it down. They can talk trash about you. They can tell other people
about how bad you are. They can unleash rage on you, anything to kind of make
you go away or look, like discredit you, look less serious, so that they can continue
upholding this facade of superiority. The next trait is entitlement, which I feel like roles
nicely off of superiority. But people with narcissistic
tendencies will feel entitled to your respect, whether
or not they've earned it. They'll also feel entitled to an apology because you're
completely in the wrong. They're not in the wrong at all. They feel entitled to maybe a raise or a better position, or
to your seat on a plane. Someone with narcissistic
tendencies will feel this sense of entitlement throughout
their entire lives. The third trait, most common,
is need for attention. I'm gonna reference my notes 'cause I don't wanna forget any of this. Weddings, other people's
birthdays, any big successes for people that are in
the narcissist's life will be incredibly difficult for them and they will do anything they can to turn that attention onto them because they can struggle
to not be the full focus of a day or an event. When someone who's a
narcissist doesn't get the center of attention,
they can pick a fight, they can talk over the person who's, let's say it's their birthday and they're gonna give a toast, they're gonna stand up at the same time and try to talk over them
to get the attention back. They might put somebody down. They can start a fight with other people or cause
some other kind of drama, anything to shift the focus towards them and away from the person
who's supposed to be the center of attention. The next trait that a narcissist can have
is a need for control. And the reason for this intense need is because they want to
keep this facade up, right, of being perfect and superior. And if they don't have full
control, they can't do that. And so they'll use a lot of
different forms of manipulation. One of those being gas lighting, right? You're not remembering it correctly. That's not what happened. Or love bombing, when they shower us with
attention and affection, they can make it confusing. We can think, you know, but they are a great person
and they do these things as a way to get us to do what they want. And if that doesn't work, then they bring in what a lot of people online
call the flying monkeys, which is essentially
people who participate in their smear campaigns. These will be kind of what
I would call casual people in their lives that haven't
realized who they are yet, but they will listen to their side, agree with them and then participate in shaming and blaming
other people for the issue. And why do people do this? It's because people with narcissistic tendencies
are really fragile, right? It's often born out of trauma. And so we put up this fake facade to kind of protect that squishy inside part. And so if things aren't playing
out the way that we want, it can feel outta control, and that can be scary, that could reveal that soft inside, right? And so we'll manipulate and try to control in order to keep up that facade so that we feel safe and okay. Another important trait is a complete lack of boundaries. Again, because a narcissist
is gonna need a lot of control and wants to have
everything just perfect, they'll struggle to see
where we end and they begin. And this can happen a lot when
our parent is a narcissist and we're the child of them, they can feel like we are
just an extension of them. We're not independent. Anything we do is representative or shows poorly or well on them, right? And they'll want to get in on and turn the attention to them when we have a success and they'll want to disown us, call us
disrespectful and all sorts of names when we do
something they don't want. And so this lack of boundaries
makes it really difficult to be in a relationship with a narcissist because again, there's
no independence there. And if you try to uphold boundaries or put them into place,
they will usually lash out, throw a tantrum, or at the very
least push back against them and act like you never
had that conversation with them in the first place. Another key trait is that they
never take responsibility. Someone who's a narcissist is incapable of offering a true apology. If something doesn't go as planned, they're never gonna take
ownership over that. They're always looking
outside of themselves for kind of scapegoats or other ways
that they can blame and shame, and displace any of the
responsibility that they truly have, because if they had to admit
that they did something wrong, that whole facade that I've been talking about will crumble to the ground. The next trait is lack of empathy. And this one is incredibly difficult for people to understand,
because it's hard for those of us with empathy
to imagine someone without it. Empathy is the ability
to feel for someone else. It's like if you watch somebody
trip and hurt themselves or drop their stuff on
the sidewalk next to you, someone who has empathy would be like, "Oh my God, I'm so
sorry, let me help you." And they would assist because they can imagine
what that would feel like, or watch a TV show or the news segments, especially in the last two years, the news have been incredibly difficult. You can watch the news and cry 'cause you can feel for those people. Someone with narcissistic
tendencies or someone with narcissistic personality
disorder doesn't feel like that. They're actually incapable
of feeling empathy or putting themselves
in someone else's shoes. And instead what they do
is they tend to assume or expect us to think
and feel just like them. And when we don't, they can
get really upset and lash out. And a final trait I'm
gonna talk about today, but I'm sure there are tons more, feel free to leave those in the comments. But this trait is splitting. Now I've talked about splitting in relation to BPD, or
borderline personality disorder. Splitting is when we believe
people are all good or all bad. It's a very much like all or nothing black and white way of thinking. But this also happens in NPD or people with narcissistic traits. We can think that if
someone does something that's just a slight, let's say someone pointed out
something we didn't do well and we are the one with the
narcissistic tendencies, we can automatically assume
that person is the worst. They don't belong in our
life, they're not good enough. They should never have been
around us and we can shame and blame, or we can get
other people in our life. Remember those flying monkeys? We can get them to shame and blame them, to prove that we are
better and they're all bad. Or we can have people
that we put on pedestals. Often newer people in a narcissist's life will
be like these amazing people. They'll think that everything is great, everything they do is amazing because, again, no boundaries, right? They're so closely connected to us that if we think that
person is successful, maybe they're like kind of a celebrity in some ways or very
important in their work, maybe the structure of
their work or whatever, we can look to them and
that connection and think, well that's just because of me, right? And so I'm connected to that person, so we can put them as all good or all bad. If you still wonder, am I a narcissist, or is that person in my life a narcissist? Here are a quick few questions to help you maybe answer that. Number one, does the thought of being a
narcissist make you feel bad for those around you? Think about it. Yes or no. Number two, are you concerned about how others feel? Would it bother you if you
knew that you upset someone? Number three, are you quick to apologize when you've hurt someone else's feelings? Number four, does too much attention
make you nervous or anxious? Hmm, if you answered yes to any of these it's most likely that
you are not a narcissist. I mean, think about what
we just talked about. That means you show empathy, you apologize quickly, and
you don't like attention. It's not likely. But here are a few more
questions that consider if you're still having a tough time. Number one, do you see your friends or children as extensions of you? Like, are they representing
you and living out your life? Hmm. Number two, do you often
think that other people aren't good enough to associate with you? Number three, do you struggle
to apologize or often think that any disagreement,
it's someone else's fault? And number four, do you
struggle to see things from someone else's perspective, or is it hard to imagine how
someone else might be feeling as a result of what just happened now? If you answered yes to
any of these questions, it is possible that you might have some
narcissistic tendencies. Again, it's really important
that we see a professional and get properly assessed so that we can make sure
that's what's going on. But those are some things that kind of line up with some of those traits. Overall, if you're watching this video and you are genuinely concerned as to whether you're a narcissist or not, chances are you're not. I find there's this
incredible overlap with a lot of people who have a lot of empathy for others and this concern
about being a narcissist. And I think it's just
because we feel so much and we hear things that
might kind of resonate. We're like, maybe that is me, oh my God. But you have to remember, a narcissist can't put themselves
in someone else's shoes, they don't have empathy. They're not concerned about
how other people feel. They wouldn't be worried
about being a narcissist. Honestly, if you told them they were, they'd probably just blame you for it and say you're
remembering things differently. So just kind of consider some
of those traits and symptoms. Maybe rewind back and
watch them through again, because chances are you're not. But I hope this was helpful and assuaged any fears or
concerns you had about this. Thank you so much for watching
and I'll see you next time. (offbeat uplifting music)
