Love Your Narcissist? Make Him Stay, Depend on You (Tips, Resolutions)

so like many you love your narcissist you don't want your narcissist to walk away you want him to remain in your lives because when you are with your narcissist you feel much more alive you feel that the world is full of colors when he is away when he is absent when he had abandoned you the world becomes black and white dull boring predictable the narcissist brings into your life excitement thrill novelty adventure it's very difficult without the narcissist the narcissist actually reflects an idealized view of you the narcissist makes you in some ways love yourself or at the very least love your life and this is highly addictive so i'm going to teach you how to keep the narcissist how to not lose your narcissist how to make sure that you spend a long time with your narcissist as long as you wish but before i do so a disclaimer in 1995 i am the one who invented the no contact strategy yes i'm the guy who invented no contact and for well over 10 years until 2004 i paid a very dear price for this coping strategy because the entire profession psychologists psychotherapists marriage counselors everyone was attacking me and they attacked me because they said that the no contact strategy is cruel is unnecessary is wrong today no contact is the standard advice it's the mainstream coping strategy today you go to a therapist a counselor anyone and they tell you well if you can you know cut your losses walk away dissolve dissolve the diet break the relationship break up and to this very day this is by far the best advice it's much better than gray rock and any other color of rock it's much better than mirroring which is a technique that i also invented it's much better than any known method to manipulate the narcissist or to cope with him just walk away and it doesn't matter if the narcissist in your life is your son or your daughter or your husband or even your parent your mother your father staying in touch with the narcissist is a process of osmotic osmotic poisoning the narcissus is like a toxic frog it is aesthetically enticing but if you touch his skin he poisons you incrementally gradually imperceptibly until you shrivel and you die like a plant without water why would you wish upon yourself such a fate is beyond me but there are some people women mostly whose emotional needs are such that the narcissist caters best to their internal processes they get from the narcissist what they cannot get from any other type of person maybe they have a need to be mothers and the narcissist caters to the maternal instincts because he is an eternal adolescent he's a child this is a case of arrested development maybe they're afraid these women are afraid of intimacy they have a dysfunctional attachment style this sits well sits well with the narcissist his attachment style is anywhere between non-existent and dysfunctional maybe they maybe they're a bit psychopathic or anti-social and they like novelty and excitement and thrill and the lack of impulse control the narcissist gives you all that in ample measure so some people have been conditioned by years of dysfunctional wrong upbringing to be with narcissists there is even a subspecies of covert narcissist the inverted narcissist who thrives only when her intimate partner is a narcissist she basks in the narcissist reflected glory she derives a narcissistic supply from her primary narcissist supply she is like the moon to the nazis's son her light is reflected so you can't generalize and say that no one should ever be with a narcissist under any circumstances there are small groups of people women mostly who find the narcissist the only solution and the diet with the narcissist the only viable arrangement so for these women to these women and for these women i want to give a few tips insider tips if you wish leaves from the narcissist user manual how to keep him how to make him happy how to make him stay and so the first thing is that um having said that my advice is leave now leave before the effects of abuse including complex post-traumatic stress disorder before these effects become entrenched and leave him before your children begin to pay the price as well that's my advice but if you insist on staying always against the best interests of yourself and your nearest and dearest here's a survival menu let's start with the five don't do this five don't do it if you do certain things you incur the wrath of the narcissist you provoke his rage you provoke his abuse and his abuse could be up to lethal you don't want the narcissist to be your enemy you don't want him to consider you up a secretary object you don't want to to feel that you are deliberately frustrating you so here's five things you should never do number one never disagree with the narcissist never contradict the narcissist never criticize the narcissist never if you can speak if you are not spoken to background noise just be there nod your head um adulate admire reflect back remind the narcissist of his grandiose moments his accomplishments his acclaim to fame his nine minutes of glory that's your job you're an external memory you're an external memory your your repository of all the past narcissistic supply and you provide secondary supply you regulate the flow of narcissistic supply in the narcissist life you can't do that if you disagree with him or contradict him let alone if you criticize it's bad never offer the narcissist any intimacy and that includes never offer him advice never offer him a help never offer to help him never give him another point of view never suggest anything never tell him how much you love him never suddenly hug or embrace him uncontrollably impulsively intimacy is a threat if you offer the narcissist advice or help it means that you're superior to him in some way you know something he doesn't know if you have another point of view that means he did not consider all points of view he is god-like he sees everything he knows everything there's nothing you can contribute to him there's nothing you know there's nothing you see that he hadn't already long ago considered and if you try to imply that there is then you are challenging his grandiosity your undermining his self-perception and self-image you are destabilizing the inner precarious equilibrium that it took him decades to establish it's bad news your bad news you're becoming bad news intimacy does the same because when you offer intimacy what you're saying is i know you intimacy is founded on knowing the other person you you can't have intimacy with the total stranger you intimacy develops and evolves and is a derivative in a byproduct of getting to know each other but the narcissist like god is unknowable who are you to know him you don't have the necessary intelligence you don't have necessary skills you he's above he's above you he's so much above you it's like an ant trying to understand uh a human being the gap between you is so enormous your chimpanzee is human i mean there's no way you can really know him you can guess but you can never know moreover intimacy is something everyone does everyone does intimacy everyone in this dog does intimacy so if you're offering into him intimacy if you're offering the nonsense intimacy you're actually telling the narcissist you're actually you're like everyone else you're average you're common there's no bigger insult narcissists react with rage to two things ignoring them and implying directly or indirectly that they're not special and intimacy does exactly this it implies that the narcissist is not special that he is in need of something that you can get to know him that he is graspable that is you know just human nazis don't regard themselves as human they regard themselves as perfect machinery or gods so my next advice is look odd you know o a w e look owed by whatever attribute matters to him for example if he puts emphasis on his professional accomplishments every time he mentions his profession or his accomplishments look as though you are thunderstruck thunderstruck nothing short of thunderstruck look like you are adulating and admiring him prostrating himself before his implied divinity don't be afraid to overdo it you can be as unsubtle as obvious as overt and as manipulative and as exaggerated and as caricatured as you want to be and the narcissist will not notice flattery adulation admiration will get you anywhere and everywhere with your narcissist he's a kid he's a child he's a baby if what matters to him is his good looks keep telling him how handsome he's if it's his professional accomplishments tell him what a genius is if it's his success with women tell him he's irresistible support his delusions enhance them amplify them agree with them get yourself incorporated in them show him the effect that his magnanimous benevolence has that his divine deity like attributes have on you i mean show him how you're transformed by his mere presence worship him worship him next advice never ever remind the narcissist of reality or of life out there this reality impinges on the narcissist's sense of grandiosity reality hurts reality is injurious reality keeps reminding the narcissist you're so small you're not as smart as you think you're making you're you're fallible you're fallible you make mistakes so don't remind the narcissist how fallible is don't remind him of reality he hates reality he wants to divorce reality he narcissus withdraws from reality he is an impaired reality testing and he constructs a fantastic bubble and he lives within this fantastic bubble he inhabits it he resides in it this is his sense of grandiosity depends crucially on not being in touch with reality or on confirmation bias filtering out countervailing information injurious data and external modification when people humiliating or insulting or challenging criticizing what disagreement he filters all this out it's like it had never happened don't remind him of it the last don't do is do not make any comment which might directly impinge on his self-image on his omnipotence on his judgment good judgment on his omniscience on his skills his capabilities his professional record or even on his omnipresence he knows everything he is everywhere he is all powerful he is the most most perfect most brilliant most handsome most everything go along with that conform confirm accept uphold buttress amplify add bad sentences start with words i think you may have overlooked or maybe you made a mistake here or i don't know if you know but or you were not here yesterday so or you can't do that or you shouldn't do that all these things are rude injurious challenging hurtful frustrating and above all malevolent you become a secondary object you're out to get him you're out of ruin how to your a plus it makes you look stupid i mean you're an idiot if you can't grasp his his magnificence if you can't grasp the nazis his perfection and brilliance his genius his irresistibility something's wrong with you maybe he made a mistake maybe you're not the right partner narcissists react very badly to restriction placed on their freedom and to challenges to their grandiosity um generally speaking don't start certain sentences with the first pronoun don't start sentences with the word i my mind you don't exist it's an autonomous you have no personal autonomy you're not independent you're an extension you're not separate from the narcissist you have merged and fused with him you are a construct within his mind you're an internal object anytime you say i it reminds him that you are outside him that you are not controlled by him that you may hurt him by abandoning him now since he said object in constancy they fear abandonment and separation because they're babies babies fear abandonment and separation out of sight out of mind never mention the fact the fact that you are separate independent entity narcissists regard other people as extensions and their internalization processes were screwed up they don't differentiate properly between themselves and the world the narcissists in distance are nothing short of psychotic they confuse internal objects an external object in your internal i hope you get registered this is what not to do to not now what about what to do how to make your analysis dependent on you how to um how to make him want to stay with you if you insist on staying with him of course which is highly counterproductive and self-destructive but it's your choice i respect your choice i recognize your personal autonomy maybe i'm not a narcissist who knows so how to how to make him want you how to make him never leave you number one listen attentively to everything the narcissist says agree with everything he says even if he says it's evening and it's morning it's evening masses are never wrong they're the only ones who can change who can review who can revise who can modify and alter what they had said you don't have these rights you don't have administrator rights you're a user you're a client but not an administrator so he rules the computer you can't hack you can't enter you are not allowed to disagree even if he makes the most outlandish egregiously insane and idiotic statements counterfactual you must accept them agree with them enthusiastically and vehemently and even add to them support them you don't have to believe what he says you don't have to believe a word genocide says but let it slide let it slide as if everything is just fine business is usual advice number two personally offers something absolutely unique to the narcissist which they cannot obtain anywhere else if he likes kinky sex be more kinky than sexual if he likes food cook seasonlessly a variety of cuisines always be prepared to line up future sources of primary narcissistic supply for your narcissist because you will not be it for very long if at all you need to become a source of sources you need to become a database of potentials he needs to refer to you as he would refer to google you need to become a search engine if you take over the procuring function if you take over the scouting function if you take over casing the joints for the narcissist they become that much more dependent on you which makes it a bit tougher for them to pull their haughty stuff um which they will do in any case but much less so the more the narcissist is dependent on you the less he will abuse you and the less he will take the risk that you will abandon or dump him advice number three be endlessly patient endlessly patient it's a child a young child the average mental age of most narcissists is between four and six so be endlessly patient remember your own children if you have any remember when they were four go out of your way to accommodate the narcissist keep the narcissistic supply flowing liberally and keep the peace relatively speaking use child psychology techniques interact with your narcissist as you would have interacted with a baby be endlessly giving be endlessly giving you may find this a very unattractive proposition but it's a take it or living proposition you have to give give and give and you have to be ready to receive nothing in return your position is to give your reward the prize the gratification isn't giving you need to be a giving person you need to be needed as lydia van gaal puts it you need to to feel that by catering to someone else's needs your narcissist in this case you are the one who is being fulfilled and it's not altruism it's actually a form of control codependence control via giving so this way you will control your analysis the more you give the more he is under your thumb the more you can manipulate next the absolutely emotionally and financially independent of the narcissist i repeat this be emotionally independent emotionally independent of the narcissist don't let him regulate your emotions and stabilize your labial moods don't make him the source of your inner internal regulation and do your best to gradually build up financial independence steal money from him and put it away in some countries it's called the black fund you know save money steal money here and there put it away for a rainy day make sure you have a reserve take what you need take the excitement take the engulfment refuse to get upset refuse to get hurt when the narcissist does or says something dumb rude or insensitive and he will he will he will because he recognizes no boundaries and he does not recognize you as a separate entity he's talking to himself he's talking to your representation in his mind something that i call snapshot you're an internal object he can't by definition hurt you or slight you or humiliate you or insult you he can't be you can't be rude to yourself and yelling back sometimes works well this is part of my mirroring technique but you should reserve this to special occasions if you don't want to erode erode the efficaciousness of this technique the more you use it the more it's like inflation with money you know the more money you print the less valuable the money the more you yell back the less it has effect you use it on special occasions when you fear that your narcissist may be on the verge of leaving you silent treatment is a better ordinary response but it must be carried out without any emotional contact you must be detached you must be cold you must be impervious you must be apathetic and indifferent you must be you must appear to be bored with him and i'll talk to you later when i'm good and ready and when you are behaving in a more reasonable fashion and just walk away use manipulative techniques the only way to survive in a relationship with the nazis is to counter his manipulations with yours leverage his manipulations against him like in martial arts use the enemies the enemy's force and power and momentum against him if your narcissist is cerebral and is not interested in insects what should you do now give yourself ample permission to cheat on him to have hidden sex with other people be discreet don't be injurious don't be ostentatious but you need sex do not deny your needs if you feel like having sex it doesn't give it to you you have a full moral right to look for it elsewhere your cerebral narcissist will not be indifferent to infidelity so discretion and secrecy is of paramount importance but there's a difference between discretion and secrecy and deception usually cerebral narcissists and and their spouses or intimate partners or mates they settle into something called don't ask don't tell don't rub it in his face but don't deceive there's no need to deceive he will never he doesn't care he will never even ask you anything you go out you come in who cares who he doesn't care who you're with on the contrary by the way he's relieved this chore is someone else's problem some other men's problem and if your narcissist is traumatic and you don't mind joining in endlessly interesting group sex encounters make sure to choose properly for your narcissists because they are indiscriminate they don't care about sexually transmitted diseases and so on better to control the situation i know you you find this particular advice very off-putting and even shocking what i would participate in three sense i will swing with my narcissist or i will agree to kinky sex humiliation sadistic sex no way well if you don't he will go ahead anyhow but he will go ahead anyhow without your control without your knowledge he will bring home diseases he will do horrible things he will give all your money to someone you must control him as a child and the only way to control the narcissist is to co-opt him to cooperate with him to collaborate with him to become a part of his world if he's into group sex so should you if he's into threesomes you should be one of the three and if he needs sexual partners outside the marriage outside the diet outside the then you know procure bring him your friends bring him some other people you must control the situation um they're headless they're very undiscriminating in respect of sexual partners and that can get very um problematic not only sexual stds but for example black men if you're a fixer then focus on fixing not the narcissist but fixing situations preferably before they become situations do not attempt to fix your nonsense for two reasons is not fixable and the second reason he's going to resent it really badly it's going to create a lot of friction and a lot of conflict and then he's going to dump you because he would perceive this as a challenge to his grandiosity constant challenge to his grandiosity so let it go let it slide ignore it focus on objectives on goals on situations fix what needs fixing ignore your narcissist don't for one moment delude yourself that you can fix the analysis it simply will not happen not because they are being stubborn they just simply can't be fixed end of story not every problem has a solution narcissism is one problem that has no solution not even called therapy my new treatment modality called therapy doesn't cure narcissism it eliminates the need for grandiosity and it destroys the full self that's it if there is any fiction fixing that can be done it is to help your narcissist become aware of their condition that you can do gradually gently subtly patiently lovingly compassionately without challenging not head-on not in a confrontation confrontation and not in a narcissistic manner don't be grandiose so but you can gradually make him become aware of his condition it's very important don't go into negative implications into accusations in the process don't make it positive psychology not negative psychology it is like living with a physically handicapped person and being able to discuss calmly and emotionally what the limitations and benefits of the handicap are of the disability and how the two of you can work with these factors with his disability rather than trying to change his disability if someone is quadriplegic the only thing you can change is the wheelchair change the wheelchair finally most importantly of all you should know yourself you focus too much on him all victims focus too much on the abuser they refuse to see themselves and their contribution to what had happened what is that happening they deny sometimes ferociously sometimes malevolently their own narcissism and their own uh unsavory behaviors you must know yourself it's a source a fount of power what are you getting out of the relationship are you actually a masochist mate codependent perhaps why is this relationship attractive to you why is it interesting define for yourself what good and beneficial things you believe you are receiving in this relationship define the things that you find harmful bad for you develop strategies to minimize this harm this hurt this pain the evil aspects don't expect that you will cognitively be able to reason with the losses to change who they are you can't negotiate with them you can't agree with them they break promises and contracts because they have no constancy you you don't honor a contract with someone who who who faces in and out of existence i mean you're out of sight you're out of mind you don't exist you're back you exist how do you maintain continuity when you're in a permanent state of inconstancy and dissociation it's hopeless don't make agreements with the narcissists contracts compounds promises decisions it's ridiculous what are you negotiating with the four year old you may have some limited success in getting your narcissist to tone down on the really abrasive and horrible harmful behaviors the behaviors that affect you which emanate from the unchangeable the immutable what the narcissist is is essence so we can modify behavior you can modify to some extent don't expect too much this can only be accomplished in a very trusting frank and open relationship and i want to suggest to you a few resolutions personal resolutions new year resolutions if you wish resolutions are notoriously fragile and ephemeral but victims of abuse cannot afford this cavalier attitude your mental and too often physical health they depend on strictly observing the following promises to yourself number one i will treat myself with dignity i will demand respect from others i will not allow anyone to disrespect me number two i will set clear boundaries and i will make known to other people what i regard as permissible and acceptable behavior and what is off-limits and out of bounds number three i will not tolerate abuse i will not tolerate aggression in any shape form or disguise i will seek to terminate such misconduct instantly and unequivocally if i can't i'll walk away number four i will be assertive and unambiguous about my needs wishes and expectations from other people i will not be arrogant but i will be confident i will be assertive i will not be self-effacing i will not be meek i will not be selfish i will not be grandiose i will not be narcissistic i will not be haughty but i will love myself i will care for myself i come first in the best sense of the world for me to love others i must love myself for me to care for others i must first take care of myself number five i will get to know myself better i will study my i make myself into a topic of study i will make my render myself my project number six i will treat other people as i want them to treat me that's a very ancient wisdom i will try to lead by way of self-exam by way of example number seven if i am habitually disrespected regularly abused or if my boundaries are constantly ignored and breached i will go no contact i will break up i will terminate the relationship with the abuser forthwith zero tolerance zero tolerance first strike and you're out and no second chance would be my maxims for self-preservation i wish you luck with your narcissist it's not an easy ride some of you think that it's the only ride in town you're wrong there are many buses where this one has departed but you insist to ride a specific bus polluted dirty infected churches at least do it properly

Channel: Prof. Sam Vaknin

Views: 218,621

Keywords: tips, resolutions, Classic, Overt, Covert, Inverted, Narcissist Codependent, pain, hurt, defences, sex, romantic, workplace, sadist, sadism, humiliation, degradation, narcissistic supply, mortification, punishment, masochism, narcissist, borderline, shame, guilt, fear, personality, grandiosity, needs, cheating, intimate partner, relationships, anxiety, morals, empathy, healing, trauma, self awareness, child, mother, fantasy, psychosis, delusion, group sex, threesomes, somatic, cerebral, criticism, disagreement, advice, help

Id: Wu2AZn2F0zM

Length: 34min 27sec (2067 seconds)

Published: Sun Jul 19 2020