Hey guys, welcome back. Thanks for joining me for another video this week I want to dive into passive aggressive behavior and I've done a video on this before and really in that video was kind of going over how to spot someone who is being passive-aggressive and I think that's really important because if you don't know when someone's being a passive aggressive then someone's gonna be passive aggressive and if you're codependent, if you're a people pleaser, then you're gonna take on that behavior and You're going to want to Help the other person fix the other person Make the other person happy and do all of these things that are completely unhealthy for yourself So in this video, we're gonna go over briefly the traits of a passive aggressive person But really what I want to tackle is, how are you going to approach this person? So there's been like a theme lately I feel like with my videos where we're starting to you know when I first started doing YouTube it was all about educating you guys on certain types of mental illnesses Abusive relationships emotional abuse, what does that look like? What is gaslighting? What is narcissistic abuse all of those types of things which are really important to learn? Throughout the course of your life so you can protect yourself then we start going into. Okay. Well, maybe I'm codependent Maybe I'm a people pleaser me. Why am I the way I am, how can I heal? Why did I track this person so really in this video? It's not just about educating you guys on what passive aggressive behavior looks like It's really how do you handle yourself when you are dealing with this type of person? So before we get started in this week's video if you have not subscribed to this channel Don't forget to click on the subscribe button down below and also click on post notifications That's the little bell right knee or the subscribe button that will inform you each time I do upload a new video with a new topic I am super excited and happy and grateful that this channel has grown to where it has and it will continue to grow Because we need this kind of information and we need help in terms of healing ourselves as well So let's dive right into this. So right off the bat I just want to give you a couple of quick traits on passive aggressive behavior and I just wanted to make sure that I covered everything because I know in my Experience I when I dealt with someone who's passive aggressive, they tend to use one or two of the these tactics and Not every passive-aggressive person is gonna use all of them, but I'm gonna give you the list of just a couple of them So maybe you can recognize. Hey the person in my life that I have to deal with this passive-aggressive This is their drink of choice. So the silent treatment That a hundred percent is passive-aggressive So when we're given the silent treatment We're not verbally communicating with the other person how we feel why we feel hurt why we feeling angry We're just going cold turkey. No talking at all insults and Subtle insults. So these are not blatant things that someone would an insult that you would hear where you would go. Oh my god I can't believe you said that you would almost be like is that an insult? Did you just insult me? Like so it's that type of tactic that a passive-aggressive person will use Moody behavior so when someone is like sulky or grumpy or moody and You don't know why they're this way and look we're all moody from time to time right? Maybe we're hangry. Maybe we're aggravated It's totally fine, but when we don't own Why we are feeling this way and we don't communicate with that with other people that could be a form of passive-aggressive behavior stubbornness 100% and I always read this and It's never really happened to me when I've come in contact with someone who's passive-aggressive, but I can 100% see where this does happen it's someone that Fails to deliver what it is. They said they were gonna deliver so for example, let's just say that your friend Sue promised that she was going to bring you to the airport and because now you Didn't do something for her that she wanted or because she's angry for whatever her reasons are and she's upset with you She's decided to cancel that promise on you. So that would be kind of a passive-aggressive way of handling the situation so now that we've kind of tackled just the basics of that and if you guys want more information and really diving into passive-aggressive behavior and how to spot it Definitely go check out my video just type into the search bar Stephanie Lynn passive aggressive So and you can watch that video So but what I want to get into is how you can deal with this type of person. How you Are going to approach this person because you are a healthy self loving person so one of the first things to understand when you are dealing with someone who is passive-aggressive is this person the passive-aggressive behavior is basically a form of Anger that this person feels it's a coping skill that they've learned because they don't know how to deal with What it is that they're feeling Most often people who are passive aggressive don't even know what they're feeling. They might feel anger They might feel maybe even sadness, who knows they may it's usually some form of anger that they're feeling. Maybe some kind of disappointment so their anger that they feel is Basically, it's almost like dealing with a child that doesn't know what they're feeling and doesn't know how to deal with what they're feeling It's no different in an adult because this adult is emotionally immature. So they don't know how to handle themselves now Why are they angry they could be angry for a ton of reasons? They could be angry because they don't have control over the situation That's going on. They could be angry because they're not getting their way. That could be angry because maybe it's a form of Insecurity or jealousy that they have towards you that could very well be the case as well. It is basically a form of punishment Towards you because they didn't get what they want where they feel a certain way And because they don't know how to handle it and deal with it They then want to punish someone else For them feeling why they feel because they feel that the reason why they're feeling this way is because of something that you did or something that you said that made them feel this way and it is a form of punishment is a form of Control, really they're trying to control you and how you feel in your mood by doing these types of tactics like right? Basically giving you these types of tactics. So one of the first things in order to Calm yourself down to not take this personally is it is not an attack on you? Even though it feels like it even though the behavior or the abuse is getting directed right at you. It is not about you It's not about something that you did about what you said now if you did do something That was hurtful. That was wrong And if they are able to communicate themselves to you in any way shape or form then and you you agree like you know what I actually did this and it was wrong and I Apologized then you kind of own it. But if you know blatantly this has nothing to do with me. This is their own insecurity jealousy anger feelings of you know Not feeling in control whatever it is and you recognize that You have to be able to slow yourself down in these types of situations when you're dealing with these types of people because if you take everything that everyone does around you personally then you're going to Emotionally get entangled in all of these toxic and abusive people's Messes and drama and negativity. So the point of all this is to create the bubble right that I always talk about Creating that bubble is you being a mature person to recognize and seeing the bigger picture That wow this behavior. This is passive-aggressive. Okay, why is this person being passive-aggressive? well, I think they're being past aggressive because They didn't get their way because they're angry about this whatever it is, right So when you're able to take a step back and you see this for what it is and you don't take anything Personally at that point when you don't take things personally, that's actually you having all of the power That's where you didn't give your power to anyone else So this is you being emotionally mature being a rational adult and seeing the situation and seeing that there's obviously something going on Internally with this person that has nothing to do with me and they're starting to take it out on me with these These abusive tactics now for me. That was a huge Awakening when I realized that when I was like wow This actually has nothing to do with me and I would always get so reactive to someone else's You know abuse that they were throwing at me doesn't mean that we can't get annoyed or angry or upset that Hey, you're throwing this at me, and I don't deserve that. It's some extent. It's human nature I think but you can't get entangled at it So at some point you have to be able to put that wall up or that bubble or whatever you want to call it in order to not fully engage with a person and gettin meshed because that's the person wants now if you're Codependent or if you're a people pleaser Then you are going to get entangled because it's going to bother you that this person is using these tactics on you It will eat you alive that someone is giving you the silent treatment. It will hurt you so badly when someone is making this passive-aggressive Subtle insults at you, and you won't know how to handle yourself in those situations the reason why you won't be able to handle yourself is because most codependents most people pleasers fear confrontation they They have been programmed and wired based on a lot of abuse that they have endured to Fear the thought of having to verbally communicate with someone else and possibly call someone out Possibly say something that they know someone doesn't want to hear because they fear many things, you know and if you hear me say these things you're gonna think wow, that's so ridiculous, but People pleasers and codependents really feel this down deep at the core of that wound You know, what if this person thinks I'm not a nice person What did this person doesn't love me anymore? What if this person just continues all of them all of this abuse and all of these tactics that they're throwing at me? What if they continue this and I won't be able to handle it. You know, I just want everyone to be okay I just want everything to be good in the mood to be right and there'd be no negativity and no drama And so I'm trying to tiptoe around and make everyone happy so I can be happy myself this is kind of like the inner conversation that goes on with someone who is codependent or people pleaser now just like someone who is Codependent and a people pleaser they're probably not the best communicators I know from me when I was knee-deep into all that kind of stuff. I was a terrible communicator because I would Constantly react and I would get so angry and I would just almost not know what to say because I would get so frazzled whereas now because I'm more calm in situations and I see things for what they are and I You know time and time again learn to hold on to myself hold on to myself that I can Articulate myself in a healthy way because I have slowed myself down. I don't allow that behavior to take hold of me and all of that anger to come to the surface because I know that if that happens that person then has Control over my state and over my mood and my energy level and I never want anyone to have that kind of control over me Does it happen from time to time of course? I'm human But as soon as I recognize it, I immediately am like okay here I go. I'm calming myself down I'm gonna take a step back Maybe I leave an interaction with someone so I can get a breather myself and become a little bit more rational because maybe I've let that that energy take over that negative energy and Slow the conversation down Now a passive-aggressive Person you have to understand like we said earlier this person doesn't know how to handle what they feel and so most often They're going to be an awful communicator as well And if they do communicate maybe on some level what it is that they're feeling they're going to be angry They're going to be aggressive They're going to use more tactics on you because they have not taken responsibility for How they feel so when you're a healthy mature Rational adult and you feel anger frustration sadness, whatever you're going to take responsibility for it regardless of what anyone else does to cause You to feel that way you are going to say you know, what, even though what that person did was hurtful I'm going to take responsibility for how I feel Excuse me, and I'm going to parent myself I'm gonna have that inner dialogue to get my Energy back to where it needs to be to get into a healthy state and this person is not capable of doing that So because you're dealing with this type of person you are dealing with someone as well who is a terrible communicator So you cannot be intimidated by this person and the fear of confrontation of having to verbally talk to this person about the behavior that they're Displaying one of the first things that I deaf learned when I was going through all my stuff was I stopped? apologizing when I was that codependent that people-pleaser I Constantly said I'm sorry I said I'm sorry for things that I was not sorry for like it had nothing to do with me So if someone felt angry or upset my first reaction was to just say I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry Even though I knew I wasn't doing anything wrong. So if you know, you're not doing anything wrong, then there's no need to apologize For something you can say, I'm sorry You feel that way but to say I'm sorry Means basically it almost condones the behavior So hey, when you do this behavior, and you'd give them you give me all these tactics and I apologize That's what the person wants because they want to put the blame on you for the reason why they feel the way they feel so We can't apologize for someone feeling the way they felt when it's their responsibility and it's something that they have to take care of So this is where it all goes back to you know People will treat you how you want to be treated by what you tolerate So if you tolerate that behavior and those tactics and you apologize for it and you try to make everything comfy-cozy rather than Forcing that person to take responsibility for how they feel and what's going on inside of them Then you're basically condoning the behavior. Like I said and you're making it okay for them to do it again Now the next thing is what I like to call the call-out method and this is not calling someone out Basically in a harsh and negative way but it's actually doing in a very self loving and healthy way and Hopefully it's helping the other person on some level now if you're dealing with someone Who is narcissistic this is not the tactic to use we are not going to use this tactic on a narcissist Okay, so we'll get into that into another video. But if you're dealing with someone who is not Full-blown narcissist maybe they have a couple trades. Maybe they have a couple tendencies, but you're not dealing with someone who is Severely ill in this sense then here's what you do if you have any idea on Why this person is behaving the way they are so you've taken a step back and you say okay. You know what? I really think this person is feeling this way because they're angry and they're angry about this You a hundred percent and this is where I always say it's good to practice these things It's good to practice these statements sometimes and then you kind of make them your own But what I always say to someone is you seem really upset right now From something and that is perfectly fine But the way you are behaving towards me and how you're treating me is a hundred percent not okay You can have your opinions and how you feel But it's not my job to help you through what it is that you're feeling So I would appreciate if you not treat me in this way and then you just engage now It's that's kind of a long statement. But really what the basis is is that you want to tell someone Hey, look, I know that you're being passive-aggressive and this behavior that you're giving me these subtle insults this silent treatment This whatever it is that is there drink of choice. I Recognize it and I think you're doing it because you're upset about blah blah blah, and that's fine that you're upset about that But this behavior is immature and I'm not going to tolerate it and this is where you disengage now if you continue on in this Conversation and you begin going back and forth and you're not able to hold on So obviously the person is gonna say something they're not just gonna be like and just let you walk away they're probably gonna have something to say so if This is where it is the test for you to be able to stand in front of this person And basically what you're doing is you're just reiterating the same statement just in a different way So it's not about trying to get the other person to see your point and this goes into my next thing You can't have an agenda. So when you go into conversations with people, there's no agenda So an agenda basically means that I want you to see what I'm saying and hear what I'm saying and agree with me and have some kind of an aha moment where you recognize that well, I'm actually being a little Immature or I'm being a little unhealthy right now. I shouldn't be giving this person that behavior. They might do that They might have an aha moment where they go. You know what? You're absolutely right I was being passive-aggressive and I was upset because of this and I shouldn't take it out on you. Great That's that's a win but chances are they probably? Won't be able to do that, especially in the moment So if that is the case Then you can't have an agenda You can't get upset because when you have an agenda when that person isn't Hearing you you're going to get really frustrated and upset and you're gonna want this person to understand you're gonna try to be more Convincing and it's not your job to do that. So I think the biggest takeaway from this is not having an agenda learning how to practice communicating these things being able to verbally communicate with this other person not fearing confrontation and be able to Call someone out in a healthy way, so I hope that that has helped you If you guys enjoy this video Please please please give it a thumbs up and also share with anyone who you feel might benefit from this either this video or this channel, there are a ton of different topics on this channel ranging from Relationships abuse confidence etc. So I hope you have enjoyed this and I will see you next week
