Why a Narcissist Can Walk Away Easily | Stephanie Lyn Coaching 2021

hey guys welcome back thanks for joining me for another video so this week i want to get into why someone who's toxic narcissistic whatever why they can really move through relationships really really easy especially when you've been discarded or you're realizing that this person has either left you abandoned you broke up with you asked for a divorce you didn't see it coming and all of a sudden they're moving on really quickly and you're here confused or devastated heartbroken etc so what i want to get into is why this person is able to actually do this and why you're not before i do get into this week's video if you have not subscribed to this channel don't forget to click subscribe down below and click on post notifications i always link all of my courses services ebooks social media things like that down below i will link my instagram here if you want to go check me out there as well but let's get into this week's video so let's get straight into it number one this person has an inability to love and i want you to really understand what this means so this person didn't see you and see all the great qualities and value and respect you and want to grow with you so they didn't come into this relationship for all of that they essentially saw you as an object as supply as something that you could give them so they didn't start this relationship off with wanting to be a grown-up in a relationship so now in all relationships and unfortunately most people don't actually have these relationships outside of just like a narcissistically abusive relationship most relationships are not like this most people are not dying to link up with someone to then have that person expose their own wounds and emotional traumas and triggers and insecurities or whatever that's going on inside of them that they need to deal with and they're not looking to work out their own stuff on their own and come together and compromise and work on a relationship to make it what they what you both want it to be so i always say if both of you have the same values and beliefs and you both want the same things and there's physical attraction there there's no reason why a relationship can't work a relationship relationships that don't work are the relationships where one or two people are not willing to look at their own traumas their own wounds and take responsibility for what they're not contributing to the relationship that's causing them to not have the amazing relationship that they're actually searching for so most people don't really go in and do that kind of work so you have to also remember when you're dealing with someone who is emotionally abusive unhealthy toxic narcissistic whatever they don't have a good tape of what love is supposed to be you know what does healthy love look like what does being healthy myself look like so if you're dealing with someone who's narcissistic they don't have they have an inability to love love to them their definition of love is not what it means to you so you're probably very loyal and you are ready to work on the relationship and probably blaming yourself for everything right now and really probably are very hard on yourself and so you want to fix things you don't want to give up and so this person is going to give up very easily because they're not getting their way and they're trying all these different avenues in order to get what they want out of you when what they're looking for out of you are unhealthy things it's basically supply it's basically validation it's basically what can you give me that'll make me feel good about myself versus knowing how to actually do all that stuff by yourself again most people in the world don't know how to fill themselves up they don't know how to love themselves they don't know how to be healthy themselves so they can then have healthy relationships so the second reason why someone can walk away very easily is because there's no vulnerability or intimacy in this relationship there's no really exposing yourself so when we talked about earlier that inability to want to grow together and explore my traumas my past my wounds my ego my my wounded self my inner child like not wanting to explore all of that's going on inside of me that keeps me stuck that keeps me being defensive or pastor aggressive or using these emotionally abusive tactics on you being able to not even accept or take responsibility for the fact that i'm doing that not even an ability to even acknowledge that then take responsibility for it um means that i'm not ready to let you in i don't want you to see this you know when you're dealing with someone who's narcissistic depending on the type of personality of this person there's such an insecurity there's such a a hole inside of this person and they so don't feel good enough and i can't stress that enough um that they don't want anyone to see who they are all their whole entire tape is i'm better than everyone else i'm perfect i'm the smartest i'm the best my family's the best um it's it's it's so much of that that it's not real you're not dealing with a real person because most not even most people everyone has something so everyone has a vulnerability something that they're working on something that they struggle with like all that kind of like inner stuff that we always talk about everywhere on this channel this person is not going to expose any of that to you they don't really want anyone to see them and so if i can't be open with you and give you that kind of intimacy then there's no there's no reason for me to stay there when you really have that great connection with someone and you can fully be yourself around this person and you're vulnerable with them you're intimate with them they know everything about you and you're comfortable in your own skin around this person those are the relationships you don't want to leave you don't want to lose that in a person and lose that relationship so you want to work harder so perhaps you were yourself in this relationship and you are vulnerable and you were not fearing intimacy but this person was not giving you that same level of real relationship remember their deep deep tape is is that if i expose myself and i show you who i am i fear you leaving me and that's why i put up these facades that's why i'm extremely insecure and that's why i pretend like everything's okay and i don't know how to feel because they don't know how to do all that stuff and unfortunately it's such a deep rooted thing that it becomes a personality disorder where you're not just a person that perhaps fears intimacy because someone who fears intimacy but doesn't have a personality disorder is aware of it they're aware of all of their issues when you start going into personality disorders a lot of times those people not even a lot of times most of the time 99.9 of the time that person is going to be completely unaware as to what they're doing so when you start to put these two things together inability to love fear vulnerability intimacy you start understanding that you're not really a person to them you're just something that you give them like i said supply validation attention intimate like physical intimacy um you give them something you are a high you are a drug you make me feel good about myself because you fill in the blank you know what i mean look good are super are very smart but you can't be too smart you know there's like such a line that you can walk with this person you can't be too much but you can't be too too less or too little and so you're always trying to like fit into this mole of what you think you should be for this person and unfortunately a lot of the times people that link up with this person have already put this person on a such a high pedestal that they should never have been on but they put them on that pedestal and now because of years of abuse or years of gaslighting and now the victim's self-esteem starts to dwindle now you are at the mercy of this person and now you have this very dysfunctional relationship where both people need each other in order to live i need as the victim to give you everything that you need because then you'll love me and for the abuser i need to take everything that you can get so i can feel good about myself and then i love you so you can see how dysfunctional this relationship actually is so when you're dealing with someone who's unhealthy and this is the way they operate in relationships it's easy to walk away because there's nothing that's holding me to you because everything that was holding me to you was superficial was supply was something that i can find somewhere else there's no real meaning to this relationship because remember you don't have a deep connection with this person because maybe you did but they didn't you thought they did and you perhaps even projected that but this fantasy relationship that you actually had where you had your best friend your soul mate all those things because that person made you believe these stories but remember they made you believe stories you weren't really honest with yourself with what you actually had in this relationship and that's the grieving that's done after when you really realize wow i didn't have what i thought i did have now this is the part that really intrigued me was the reason why this person can also walk away very easily is because they don't have a true self i mean they do but that wall you know most people do have a wall up meaning they don't want to let people in they don't want to let anyone see who they really are and so they put these walls up but for a quote normal healthy person kind of healthy person because that's not really healthy but you know what i mean um most people their walls are just like a little fence this person has layers and layers of brick so you can never really get back to that core sense of self and that's why people will say it's very hard for this person to change is because now there's too many walls there they won't even let themselves get close to that side of themselves let alone you this person has an inability to connect with other people on these deep levels like we were just talking about so it's that inner self that we all have inside that connects us that allows us to have deep connection and when you have the fence then you can't really have those kind of relationships with people you can kind of have them because the fence is really thin and you can see through it and you can get bits and pieces of connection but there's still something that's blocking when you're dealing with this type of personality there's fence after fence after brick fence and you're never getting to the core of the person so in order for this person to connect with you they have to fit a mole of what you of what they think you want them to be and this is where we talk about the masks the many masks that this person wears or the different characters that they play because they don't know who they are and i have a hundred percent seen this in dysfunctional people where you can just tell and if you're a very sensitive and tuned empathetic type of a person or just very intuitive you can sense these things you can sense when someone's very real and authentic versus when someone doesn't really know who they are and and is masking it and these people do have an inability to really be themselves because they don't know what that actually is so they're constantly just playing characters they're constantly just pretending to be this person and you're not going to have again a deep connection with this person which means there's no reason for me to stay because i don't have anything here i'm you're just you're just you know this chair over here this pumpkin right here to me like you're nothing to me you're just giving me something you're a drug and if if the drugs not working i'm going to go get some more i'm going to get something different that's going to make me feel better so something that's really important to remember when you're dealing with narcissism is these people did not have secure attachments growing up so they didn't have relationships with people that were healthy they were most likely raised by one or two narcissistic parents and this was just taught to them it was taught to them either through enabling or was taught to them through complete and utter neglect and it became almost like a coping way to to handle those such shameful feelings that they felt as a child of not being good enough and really at the core is that shame piece which then puts up those brick walls which create which creates these false personas these different characters and that's how this person kind of lives their life how sad how sad utterly sad doesn't mean you should go out there and save anyone but i'm just saying how utterly sad that this person doesn't know how to emotionally connect with another person because think about it in order to have one of the biggest things with relationship is the ability to have empathy for each other and that allows us to connect to one another and if i can't emotionally connect i can't have a high level of empathy for you and if i don't have a high level of level of empathy for you and i can't connect to you again like i've said throughout this whole video there's no reason for me to stay you're not a necessity you're not something that i value because i don't value anything because everything is meaningless it's just these little bits of feeling high feeling good about myself through different avenues of life whether it's what people think what the public thinks what i'm doing on social media what i what i do for work and the admiration that i get there etc etc etc um the children that i'm raising and how well they are and how beautiful they are and how my house looks like this or all of those types of things amongst many many more um that's what's really important to this person and it's important to a lot of people not just people that are narcissistic but again i think that the difference is is that someone that's even quote healthy not really healthy um they can be aware that they're being narcissistic they can be aware that they're people pleasing they can be aware that they're not being authentic themselves whereas this person because of those many layers of brick they're completely unaware so i hope you guys have enjoyed this video if you did don't forget to give it a big thumbs up and if you're interested in taking one of my courses i'm going to actually link my nine week online course right here this is a great course to start off with it is all about emotional healing it's all about emotional wounds and emotional triggers and really healing from that stuff i talk about self-parenting and every course that i create so go check that out right there and i will see you guys next week

Channel: Stephanie Lyn Coaching

Views: 83,211

Keywords: narcissistic personality disorder, divorcing a narcissist, breakup recovery, cheating, new supply

Id: KHmvxDbOgNU

Length: 14min 49sec (889 seconds)

Published: Tue Oct 12 2021