What's The Most Bizzare Thing You've Done On Auto-Pilot?

what is the most bizarre thing you've caught yourself doing after your brains autopilot misfired was jogging late at night a guy reached out his hand in front of me as i passed i high-fived him turns out he was hailing a taxi after shaving my hair and put gel on my face the worst part was that after i put the aftershave in my hair i laughed at myself thought duck what was all that about and then added the hair gel to my skin cup of coffee in left hand phone in the right hand go to my room take a sip of my phone and throw coffee on the bed edit grammar thanks for the gold as a teenager i worked at mcdonald's my mcdonald's was 24 hours and during the summer i worked the overnight shift my sleep schedule would get all messed up my parents woke me up for dinner one evening i zombie walked to the table and sat down my dad asked me to say grace i bow my head and say thank you for choosing mcdonald's may i take your order i dropped my pants when going through tsar dart for those who fly in the super early morning it can be rough i purposely didn't drink coffee so i could sleep on the plane i was on the security line and did the normal routine of taking stuff out of my pockets and putting them in my laptop bag then off with the shoes placed on top of my luggage then off comes the belt as usual then of course when you take off your belt you take off your pants i know damn it put them back on nwt fed for a moment as i finished up in security luckily not that many people fly at like 430 am at it thanks for the gold i took the metro home then realized i drove to work that was a long night after an eight hour day of cashiering at target which is so many robotic small talk conversations i stopped at the dollar store the conversation went something like cashier hi how are you me good how are you cashier i'm good thanks me that's good did you find everything okay today that conversation was had to the effect of everyone in line and the cashier looking at me like i was psycho edit i'm glad i'm not the only one who's done awk things on cashier autopilot and thanks for the gold less than three i meant to put a brand new roll of toilet paper on the roll and instead just plopped it in the toilet took a ball out and pissed my pants i tried to mail my buddy a check and it had been a while since i nailed anything long enough to forget how mail works apparently what i did was i wrote my name and address in the center and his name in the upper left-hand corner the letter then got returned to me but still my first thought wasn't whoops i failed at mailing this check instead it was well i guess this stamp is old and the price of stamps went up so i put another stamp on it and sent it again to myself again my mailman must think i'm [ __ ] once i was laying in bed very tired watching tv all the characters on the show piled into a car together and i thought for a second that i forgot to put my seat belt on before realizing i was safely in bed and nowhere near a car when i was in high school and living on the family farm i used to feed the horses and barn cats every morning waking up at 6 a.m for this as a 16 year old guaranteed that i was half asleep so i grabbed the cat food like i always did walk to the table where my cat bowl was like i always did and poured some in my cat always jumped up on the table right away to start eating right away and one morning as something jumped up in front of me i absentmindedly pet it as usual the hair felt a little rough so i looked down and instead of my friendly orange cat there was a skunk just chilling there eating the cat food while i pet its back i was playing guitar and reached to grab a cracker then i ate my pick i sat there at an intersection in suburban palo alto at 11 p.m patiently waiting for the stop sign to change night before last i went to the backyard to bring the dog into the house autopilot moved my feet 10 or so steps out the door telling the dog to come in my brain then caught up and remembered the dog was in bed and i was indeed approaching a black bear that was eating watermelon rinds from the trash can i was making ramen noodles and a picture of crystal light at the same time berry flavored ramen is dark not good turned around and went back home because i forgot my car keys i was driving i used to work at mcdonald's drive-through five days a week eight hours a day so i had been hard-wired to say welcome to mcdonald's how can i help you today every single time i heard the headset beep straight up pavlovian one day there was a particularly wily fly that was always just a second ahead of me i became very focused on killing this fly i don't know how many times i said it before a co-worker finally stopped laughing long enough to tell me but it turns out i'd been saying welcome to mcdonald's how can i kill you today to every car in the drive-through not one customer even paused or acknowledged the fact that ronald mcdonald threatened them with murder they just wanted their goddamn nuggets drove 20 minutes to my old house after i moved was just zoning out there was a 6.0 earthquake at about 3 am so i was asleep the quake lasted 20 seconds and i woke up about 16 seconds and standing in the hallway hugging of ours what the duck grabbed milk from the fridge grabbed a dinner plate from the cupboard began tilting the gallon jug toward the dish was about to pour myself a plate of milk when my mom walks by and asks what the duck i'm doing the two that come to mind are while playing xbox i got up to get a drink then sit back down and can't find my freaking controller i'm tearing cushions apart looking under stuff looking in drawers etc turns out i took a soda out of the fridge and put the controller in the spot i took it from the other one happened the other day drove home from work parked went upstairs opened the door started to take off shirt and i remembered it was the middle of my shift and i hadn't left to go home but just go buy a drink trying to get into a random person's car because i thought it was my friends the person whose car i was attempting to break into was very terrified 1. unwrap candy 2. throw candy in trash 3. stare at rapper walked into the bathroom at work to pee and instead of unzipping my fly i unbuttoned my dress shirt took it off then took off my white undershirt as well then realized i was standing shirtless at a urinal and wtf'd turned up at work with the landline phone and my toddler's lunch applying deodorant on my armpit with my shirt still on i once got my car impounded via brain autopilot i lived across the street from a gas station and didn't drive very often once i was filling it up and inside to buy something forgot i was getting gas and walked home a few days later i reported my car stolen since i couldn't find it in the apartment garage about a month later i get a call from the police saying my car had gone up for auction and only then was it discovered it had been reported stolen i had to pay about 1 500 in impound fees to get it back definitely one of the dumbest things i've ever done sometimes i will see something out of the corner of my eye and apparently your brain kind of does an autofill and tells you what you're seeing without actually seeing it so i will be walking my dog and see a bush or something and think to myself for a split second oh there's an ostrich across the street then mine like wtf is an ostrich doing here and realize it's just a bush cereal in the fridge milk in the cupboard jumped out of bed frantically put my clothes on brushed all the it on my floor under my bed paused and realized it's 3am in the morning and i don't have school i'm 23. last night i picked up a box of cereal to put it away i ended up accidentally taking it with me to bed my sister had a brain fart and left the water running in the kitchen i went to turn it off and flip the kitchen light switch repeatedly then started cussing when the switch wouldn't cut the water off then got my toolbox and started taking the faceplate off the light switch so i could see why it wasn't cutting the water off at that point my other sister who witnessed all of this kindly pointed out that i had lost my ever-loving mind and cut the water off herself i've thrown laundry detergent in the dryer on multiple occasions i'm also used to starting the morning coffee for the whole office at 6 a.m in the morning one time i was late and autopiloted to the kitchenette i tossed out a pot of freshly made coffee and started another pot this wasn't my own autopilot but the most bizarre has got to be when an ex-girlfriend's dad dropped off my ex's kid at my house i've only met the dad a handful of times before he just drove up to my driveway let the kid out waved at me and drove off after an awkward phone call we ended up getting pizza and hanging out until the ex got off work to pick her son up tapped a picture in the newspaper hoping to see the full article took me a good five seconds to realize where i messed up it was 2 a.m and way past bedtime and i'd pulled an all-nighter the previous night too while finally clearing the table i was playing video games on i decided to put all the water bottles away that had been out for days and days i tossed the empty ones but my cat was being rambunctious and trying to open the trash can so i picked her up i was holding my cat and putting some unfinished water bottles back in the fridge she struggled free and hopped onto the counter but i was too tired to scold her so i continued grabbing huge amounts six or seven at a time both hands of half full water bottles from the counter and into the fridge i pick them up i put them in the fridge i pick them up i put them in the fridge i pick her up i put her in the fridge i close the fridge i take two minutes to finish up the dishes i turn off the kitchen light i hear faint mewing i wake up i open the fridge she is so cold but she is okay now every time i open the ducking fridge she climbs in sometimes i don't notice her and she's trapped for a moment until i hear mewing and i know it's all my fault edits to clarify that i don't just start new water bottles halfway through it's over days and days got a bag of microwave popcorn and made it halfway up the stairs before realizing i didn't pop it i was getting ready for work and had a contact in one hand and a vitamin in the other popped the contacts in my mouth and washed it down with a glass of water i'm sure the stomach acid took care of it put cat food in the coffee maker 10 stroke 10 would not recommend i made the best ever chicken stock lovingly simmered for 24 hours then without thinking i put the calendar in the sink and tipped the stock down the drain saving the scraps i cried let's just say that now whenever i'm looking for my phone the first thing i check is to see if it's currently in my hands i am currently at university and live on the fifth floor of a dormitory all the floors are identical other than the colors of the paint on the wall one day i was taking the elevator up to the fifth floor and i was sending a text to my mother when i arrived at my floor a person i had never seen before got on the elevator i consciously noted that it was weird because i knew everyone on my floor but i walked to my room and walked in my living room seemed slightly off and then a girl walked into the living room and casually goes what are you doing in my room that's when i realized i had gotten off on an earlier floor and i just absentmentedly walked into someone else's room needless to say i got out of that room really fast after realizing what i had done switched my mouthwash for a solid 30 seconds and then just spit it on the floor where i was standing i'm a barista and i caught myself i trying to pour coffee into a cup sleeve not attached to a cup i found myself taking a bath with all my clothes on never told anyone just went back to sleep during a period when i was unemployed for a few months i got into the habit of undoing my trousers before arriving at the bathroom this lead to a very embarrassing situation i found myself in when i became employed again and just undid my belt and trousers in the hallway while heading to the toilet thankfully i realized what i was doing before i exposed myself to my new co-workers i put coffee in my dog's water bowl the other day it was very early in my defense i'm not sure this necessarily counts but i'm a sleep eater in the past four months i've woken up trying to open a can of green beans with my bare hands and drinking from a gallon jugger soy sauce i was a child and i had just gotten a dog he was so cute while i was holding the dog he puked on my sleeve close to my hand just a little bit just like a spot of puke a cute spot of puke so i thought i should remove it so i licked my thumb and wiped out the puke no my brain ducked it up i scrubbed the puke first and then licked my thumb it did not taste good vigorously picking my nose while holding a cigarette and driving crammed lit cigarette up my nose the night before my very first day at work where i have to bring my own lunch i got all the ingredients out to make my sandwich for tomorrow and immediately after i made it i walked into the living room turned on the tv and ate it when i was around 13 or 14 i woke up in the middle of the night in my own bed and room and thought to myself i need to go home before my parents realize i'm not home so i sneak out of the house part of me obviously aware that my parents were sleeping and i needed to be quiet and walked a block away then i realized i had been in my own room and just thought what the hell am i doing so i walked back and snuck back into bed so weird tried to turn the sun off bad hangover opened my back door feeling for the light switch no light switch the light was day i recently spent 10 minutes on the phone with static farm trying to pull up my policy getting increasingly annoyed at the fact they couldn't find my policy number then i remembered i have progressive never had state farm in my life leaving work i had my hat in one hand and cell phone in the other something misfired and i put the cell phone on my head and hacked in my pocket there was a flashing realization that something wasn't right while standing there holding a phone to my bald spot and sporting a look of bewilderment i wish someone had seen it i was working at my computer and i had a cookie next to me i finished the cookie and immediately took a bite out of the mouse realized it was hard sucked on it for a second then put it down only realized what i had done a few minutes later edit spelling drove to work and realized when i got to the parking lot that i forgot to drop the kids at school the kids knew too and stayed quiet thinking they'd get to miss school love those sneaky little bits put tomatoes and lettuce in the microwave after making a sandwich and then turn the microwave on i woke up from a deep sleep having the feeling that there was an earthquake going on so naturally i called to my wife who i realized was in the living room reading and asked her if everything was okay and she asked why i said there was just an earthquake is everything okay she said no you just farted in your sleep and woke yourself up i went back to bed painting a picture take a drink from the paintbrush water instead of my coffee not something i did but something i thought i was mindlessly clearing off my computer's desktop i had just selected a huge batch of files to drag to the recycle bin as i dragged them over the recycle bin right after i let go of the mouse i thought oh no that was a big batch i hope it doesn't overflow that's when i knew it was quitting time one time my family traveled to iowa and we stopped at a mcdonald's they were going through the drive-through but i needed to pee so i went inside i went out the other exit when i was done and there was a red minivan just like ours so i went to my side and opened the door and wasn't paying attention i sat down buckled my seat belt and realized it was a bit different but i still did it i looked around and the van was full of old people just staring at me they all looked scared my family was in the van behind laughing their asses off there were several nights where i was super tired and very hungry so i would make some ramen noodles on autopilot and the next morning i'd find my car keys in the refrigerator still not sure why i opened the fridge to make ramen noodles i usually would stop at a gas station in the morning to get coffee more than one occasion i would open the little flavor cups and pour them in the trash instead of my coffee cup sometimes i would do this to three or four cups before i realize what i'm doing caught myself sauteing fries once and the sprouts were in the fryer i had a very long day of computer drafting think plus 12 hours sitting and staring at 0.5 mm lines and got really lost so i asked the person next to me what the hell i did wrong because they seemed like they would absolutely have the explanation i got most of the way through the answer before i realized not only had i asked my frazzled reflection a question but i also calmly and matter of factly responded i went home after that what's really disconcerting is looking at all of these comments and being able to reply to 50 of them i've done this too i had a little piece of clear plastic i ripped off my binder in my hand i was going to throw away in the hallway though i see the dude i have a crush on and he waves i panicked for some reason i decide that he cannot see i have this plastic under any circumstances so you know what i do i put it in my mouth and wave back success until that is i stopped choking on it i had to run to the bathroom and drink from the sink in order to not die drove my car to the student union to pick up a package parked with my hazards on after i got the package i got food and proceeded to walk back to my room and play gta for two hours before getting a call from university police saying to move my car comma workplace work department this is pokey rj how can i help you and then i realize i'm answering my personal cell phone at home when my son went off to college i was stuck in the same routine that i had performed day in and out for close to 18 years for some reason this truly threw off my entire thought process for weeks one morning i got up and turned on the coffee pot like i normally do and walk to his room to wake him up however instead of the flipping the light on and telling him it's time to get up i crawled into his bed and went to sleep i woke up six hours later with both my daughters in the bed with me and the smell of burnt coffee permeating from the kitchen i honestly didn't think his growing up and moving out would have hit me like that i eventually stopped making extra breakfasts and trying to wake up someone who wasn't there it did make me think of my own mother though and how she felt after we grew up and left walked home from the shops then remembered that not only had i actually driven but my house keys were still in the car [Music] you

Channel: Storytime With Reddit

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Keywords: reddit, top posts, reddit top posts, reddit cringe, comedy, subreddit, reddit stories, funny reddit, best reddit posts, best of reddit, reddit story, story, stories, reddit best, funny posts, funny, r/, best posts, reddit funny, sub, people, funny stories, memes, Cowbelly, Updoot, ToadFilms, storytime with reddit, sir reddit, planet reddit

Id: H2uS9ebjhG8

Length: 20min 54sec (1254 seconds)

Published: Sat Sep 12 2020