What's One Secret You Never Want Your Parents To Find Out? (r/AskReddit | Reddit Stories)

what is one secret your parents can never know it was me who super glued the fridge shut i just blamed it on my brother replaced bourbon from a priceless bottle of liquor with evan williams when i was 15. i found out later my parents were saving the bottle for their 50th anniversary it was given to them by my great grandpa at their wedding still have 23 years to break the news you have the internet and 23 years to find a replacement put together a bang-ass collection of rare bourbon and an eloquent apology speech after my sis died i locked myself in her room and went through everything alone before her friends or my parents went through her stuff to pack it away or give it to her friends i found naked pics empty bottles of alcohol and a letter she had wrote but i guess never gave to her then boyfriend telling him the story of how she was our pet as a younger teenager i threw everything like that out but kept that letter it's been 12 years and i just found the letter again as i was packing up to make room for baby i can't bring myself to throw it away when you guys went to hawaii i put milo cat down he was sick in incredible pain couldn't eat or drink couldn't even move to get to the later box when you left on vacation and he was too weak to even yell in pain anymore i couldn't stand to see that cat in so much pain and so afraid so i did the only thing i could do to help him end his life humanely my parents were 100 against putting down a pet regardless of how much it is suffering so they'd be beyond mad if they knew this hurting a pet to sleep is never easy but you absolutely did the right thing milo was probably thanking you for it one time i dropped an entire roll of toilet paper into the bowl when trying to change it i didn't want them to know i ruined an entire roll so i hid it in my closet and over a course of a few weeks i would rip away pieces and throw them away edit since some people seem to be assuming my parents were horrible and i was frightened that's definitely not the case i was just a dumb kid that was embarrassed about dropping a whole roll in the toilet you went to an extreme length to get away with that so when i was six or seven we had christmas with the extended family one of my uncles was there and i was always a bit afraid of him because he had done some time for a drug charge and just gotten out within the last year or two anyway i walk into the kitchen at one point and he is there with this giant wedge of cheese he looks up and asks if i wanted any i nod because iaf king loved cheese he says okay but you cannot tell your parents because you'll ruin your dinner they will get mad at me and he slices me a few pieces we eat in silence and then i leave convinced that i was an accomplice and some terrible act with my ex-con uncle to this day i have never told my parents as to what would happen if they found out well then they would know that the reason i didn't eat that one christmas dinner in the early 90s was because i had already filled up on expensive cheese my sister and i were reading through my mom's old high school yearbook and we kept seeing everyone sign saying something along the lines of congrats you and x are perfect together x is not our dad and we had never heard x's name mentioned before after a little more digging we found out she had married x right out of high school divorced and married our father neither of us really cared but it was still a huge shock she hasn't told us now that we're both in our mid-20s edit i subconsciously used x as the name not even realizing it came from the most popular story on reddit at the moment well i would say you dodged a bullet there cause now x likes to mess around with married woman my dad always tells me i was so whipped by my girlfriend back in high school and the example he always uses is that one time she told me to change out of my sweatshirt what really happened is that she pointed out the huge [ __ ] stain that she left on my sweatshirt the night before and i figured i should change it to avoid awkwardness on our day out with my family my dad thinks i lost my vaginity earlier than i actually did he thought he'd walked in on me post sx with my gf at the time but we'd actually just been play fighting and the moment he walked in was the moment she decided to put the strap for her top back on her shoulder after that i find out my dad told half of my family about this and despite me trying to tell him i hadn't done anything he claimed to have believed me but didn't so he'll never know when i actually did because he believes a lie edit i was 17 stroke 18 when the play fight happened when i was eight me and my sister cracked my dad's chess board we hid the pieces in someone else's trash can my dad has had it since he was 11 he was 46 at the time and he was fuming mad he thought he lost it looking back do you think he could have repaired the chess board i would feel so guilty if i realized later that i not only broke it but removed any possible chance of closure [Music] how to use a computer apparently when i got engaged my very catholic mother whispered to me has he tried to kiss you yet i'm a semi-famous dominatrix and have been since three years before she asked that question my address my parents are psychotic we'll find it sooner or later dear that one of my childhood friends and i used to play with each other's penises it was fun and we liked it i'm a married straight guy but this information would shorten their lifespan undoubtedly experimenting like that when you're young is common natural and harmless nothing to worry about edit let me clarify something here pre-pubescent kids fooling around and asking about each other's bodies is what's common natural and harmless if someone is being taken advantage of being manipulated etc or if the situation involves a kid and a teenager adults whatever that is essel abuse i feel weird having to explain this but apparently some people are confused when i was younger i read in my mom's journal that she had an abortion before she was pregnant with me she doesn't know that i know and i'm not sure how she would react i'm just glad they decided to keep the second pregnancy comma dear diary comma today i took care of a little problem i'm pretty sure the statutes of limitations are up on this one so why not i was a jr in high school and had some friends in to lan parties who were seniors but i couldn't really join them because my family was pretty poor and neither them or i could afford a computer for me to use at that time so one day my older friends gave me one of their older pcs pentium 3 with the couple parts missing ram hdd that i could build out for myself now about 15 years later it's turned out to be a great jumping-off point because now i'm a successful system administrator and love working in the it field i owe it in many ways to that first computer i learned to build back up from scratch and make my own only they didn't give me that computer we stole it from the high school sorry not sorry i totaled my first car when i was 16. they knew about that they came to pick me up and talk to the police officer while i was moving things from my car to theirs what they didn't know about was the liter of vodka in my trunk which i quickly and quietly speed walk to my parents trunk neither the cop nor my parent knew a thing i very nearly shat my pants disclaimer i did not drink and drive that i used to sneak into sister bedroom after bedtime and play game boy with her i held my breathe for a moment i can never tell them that my number one goal as a parent is to handle relationship issues differently than they did they went through an extremely messy divorce when i was eight and my only memory of them together is them screaming at each other and my sister and i hiding in our rooms then it was ten plus years of them talking shitty about each other to us hurting us in the middle of all their arguments and giving us a hug eagle trip whenever they felt like we were spending more time with the other one than with them it's been 20 years now and my mom will still talk shtee about my dad and stepmom every once in a while despite me asking her over and over to stop i'm happily married but if i were to ever get divorced i will never put my daughter in the middle of arguments speak badly about her father to her or make her feel guilty for having a relationship with him it's the number one thing i learned from my parents and i think they would be devastated to realize the true effect it has had on me when i was in elementary school i was at target with my mom and sister at the checkout counter i saw these cinnamon flavored tic tacs and i had to have them because i hadn't fully developed the whole want need function in my brain i knew my mom wouldn't buy them for me so i grabbed them sneakily and put them in my pocket sneakily i felt pretty guilty the whole way home and didn't make eye contact with anyone in case they could read my mind as soon as i was inside the safety of my home i made my way upstairs sneakily and opened my hot goods they were awful easily my least favorite tic tac i ended up throwing them in the garbage can outside sneakily to avoid any suspicion this is my shame and i carry it alone except now with theoretically thousands of people tldr the only time i ever stole anything the fruits of my victory turned rotten in my mouth the police are on their way targets doesn't forgive targets don't forget the authorities have been notified i was a cam girl for a while also my first boyfriend was a predator not in the fun alien way the window i closed wasn't really a pop-up i signed a lease for an apartment in florida before i came back home from my internship down at disney i came back home and never went back down i paid for it for a year my roommates wouldn't let me have someone's a police it was a horrible situation and i have kept up i don't need to hear it from my parents on how stupid and young i was oil i spent the night in jail for possession of marijuana five years ago not a big deal really but it would kill my mom if she found out i have been in a jail cell that i was the one that blew up the toilet to this day my stepdad thinks someone broke into my house smashed the toilet and left edit bullsht there is no way an adult would actually believe that there is a toilet smasher running around committing braking and entering just to smash a toilet i seriously hate when someone break into my house just to smash my toilet everything and anything i do on my computer when we were staying at a friend's place on holiday my so and i accidentally broke a guest bed like one of the legs gave way and the whole thing collapsed it was an ultra cheap metal frame and so found a meat cleaver and we banged the bejesus out of that bed to get it back into shape to no avail i had to ring my friend and confess due to the conservative nature of my parents and their firm beliefs we have allowed them to believe that we are chaste and good and would never actually have essex you we gross we haven't lied but we have certainly been guilty of a mission we are getting married this year and my friend with the broken bed is a bridesmaid and is working on her speech coma we banged the bejesus out of that bed yeah you did how will we fix the bed frame well i'm pretty sure beds are made of meat obviously but we have no cleaver dang wait i think i saw one earlier in the draw with the wrenches and tools save get the cleaver you horny bastard my sister step brother and i are all adults now ranging from mid-20s to early 30s i was the oldest so i had already moved out by the time my sister was a teenager we were all out to dinner with our parents recently exchanging funny stories back and forth then this came up step brother to my sister i guess we're all old enough for this story now so remember how you would call me to see if our parents were awake yet sister we are not old enough for that story that's where it ended but i assume my sister was sneaking out at night and calling my step-brother in the morning to see if it was safe to sneak back in and despite being in her late 20s now still doesn't want my parents to know about it edit yeah [ __ ] need jesus i was sure you were going to say they were sleeping with each other that the reason i have such low self-esteem is because they always berate me and make fun of me i'm not that close to my parents but as an adult i'm a lot mellower and recognize the fact that they're nice people who did their best so there's nothing that would be catastrophic for me if they found it out but i'd be a little glum about the unnecessary trauma it had put them through if they ever found out how many people i've slept with how many of them were dudes or the sheer quantity of drugs i did at one point i am stubborn like everyday plz don't tell mom she can smell your mayonnaise my actual grades i'm adopted me too damn if my mom knew it would break a heart i didn't have their consent to use the internet and visit pbs or that i lost my virginity when i was 15. they think i was 18 my parents think i'm a virgin they are correct that party i threw in high school when you guys were out of town for the weekend that you found out about you to my snitch-ass neighbors wasn't just some guys drinking beer and playing poker it was actually an ecstasy fueled orgy and yes your bed was used what efck kind of high school do you go to my husband is actually a woman my mom read through my facebook messages and found out that i had sex with three people she called me a slt for years after she never needs to know what that number actually is mine similar my mom walked in on me and a friend i didn't have a boyfriend at the time this was just a very close fwb cuddling after sx once i was 19 and she called me a slt for a really long time after like would send me letters and emails basically just to call me or slt your mom sounds like a very unhappy person santa is real nobody tell them please it would break their hearts and someday they'll figure it out on their own anyway edit this was gilded i have no idea what the appropriate response is so i'll just say thanks and google the appropriate action thank you i know my parents told me when i was about 10 that honey santa isn't real i thought bro how can you live in such denial all the drugs i've tried or rather how many times i've tried them they know i tried some shti and i know they tried some shti but i'd like to keep it vague why cause my mom is always worried about me and she can't help it this thread makes me feel so much better about my relationship with my parents that i smoked weed oh wait he just found out she filed police reports put my home on house watch hired a detective and is making me go to rehab she now calls me a stupid freak a dope head wtf and a burnout i get good grades do kick boxing and dance and i'm in general a very busy person who just happens to also smoke thx though mom how much i've spent on magic cards i will be skinned alive i'm zach sorry about the little dick this will come too late to ever be seen that i was homeless for more than two years during the recession from 2008 to some time in 2010 i lost my job and eventually was kicked out of my apartment i had a 10 year old car that was paid off so i lived out of that until i found a series of jobs cleaning houses working in a recreational center part-time parents lived one zero zero zero miles away and i managed to keep a mailing address at a friend so they never realized it would have killed them that i didn't want to ask for help i wanted to do it on my own [Music] that i don't love them that i'm gay they would hate me i'm sure i am a swinger a funny thing is a lot of non-swingers who know this about me ask how did you come out to your parents full stop why the hell would i ever come out to my parents it's not like being gay where i would eventually introduce them to my significant other so they would have to know this would be more comparable to telling your parents that you're into anal they really don't need to know that i'm this is all apparently b people will just duck everything that moves according to my dad i will get disowned edit fck not duck stupid autocorrect edit too a comment about me being b has almost tripled my karma upvotes for all does he fear you'll enter the pro dodgeball scene i crossdress for context i had talked to my parents for consult about my interest in becoming trans mtf and they literally just shut me out from everything like no internet no school i couldn't even talk to friends or family until they somehow killed any remote feelings for it it took a week of home boot camping on why no one would ever accept a transgender not even my parents and how i would be alone for the rest of my life oh i can't own anything that has a girl remotely in it otherwise my parents will think i'm contaminated again after a year of a bit of self-discovery i just found out that i like pretending to be a girl with a penis so i got that going for me how much sx i had in their house between sophomore year and junior year of high school they know i have had a lot of sx there over the past five years with my now fancy we are 25 but i think they would be mortified how much i use that basements for porking my hs girlfriend you

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Id: VTtIhUgK8gI

Length: 21min 0sec (1260 seconds)

Published: Thu Sep 17 2020