What The Hell Happened This Week? Week of 8/8/2022 | The Daily Show

[Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] former president donald j bird trump got a visit from the fbi tonight breaking news former president donald trump saying the fbi has raided his mar-a-lago resort mr trump saying a short time ago that the fbi has carried out an unannounced raid at his home at the florida club and that they even broke into his safe boxes and boxes of documents have been seized from former president donald trump's mar-a-lago home after the fbi conducted a wide-ranging search this may be the most politically explosive raid ever undertaken by the fbi something that has not happened before in american history so just take that in for just a second it doesn't get any more significant than this not just aggressive this is unprecedented absolutely unprecedented unbelievable i mean stunning oh my god the fbi raided donald trump's house in mar-a-lago the fbi people raided a former president's house this is huge this is bigger than when the feds investigated bill clinton for doing mouth stuff with that saxophone [Applause] and by the way by the way this raid just so you know has nothing to do with january 6 or tax fraud or giving the white house plumber ptsd no apparently apparently this investigation is about trump taking classified documents from the white house and and honestly you know i'm amazed that trump has time for all of this crime like at any moment at any moment trump's got a crime that he's covering up he's got a crime that he's doing now he's got a crime that he's flushing for the future he's like the steve harvey but of crimes you know every day i'm like does he have the same hours in the day as me he gets so much done now if you'll remember if you remember earlier this year the feds already had to go down to mar-a-lago and take back 15 boxes of documents that trump wasn't supposed to have but apparently they think there's more hidden on the property right and i believe that i believe that too i mean like trump's not going to keep records in a filing cabinet like a normal person this is the same dude who buried his ex-wife on a golf course i mean think about that and yes it is totally unprecedented for the fbi to raid the home of a former president that is true that has never happened in american history but don't forget donald trump has also never happened in american history everything is an anomaly with this man i mean like why do you think a book from one of his staffers comes out every single week because every single person he interacts with is like yo have i got a story for you and wouldn't it be weird if this is the thing that takes trump down we thought it would be something like conspiracy or bribery or blackmail but no trump's got busted for taking work home with him what a nerd [Applause] now obviously president trump recognizes the gravity of the situation which is why he has refrained from comment while the legal process is picking i'm joking with you come on the guy released a statement immediately immediately he read these are dark times for our nation as my beautiful home mar-a-lago in palm beach florida is currently under siege raided and occupied by a large group of fbi agents they even broke into my safe what's the difference between this and what again what's the difference i love that even while he's complaining he slips in that the thing is beautiful how could they do this to my beautiful home also also this is completely different from watergate all right for one thing the guys breaking into watergate didn't need to clean old ketchup stains off the documents but the other big thing the other big difference is that the raid was legal all right was approved by a federal judge approved by the head of the fbi who by the way was appointed by donald trump himself after he got rid of like 17 other heads of fbi because they didn't want to do crimes of donald trump so now the big mystery is what did the fbi find well according to donald trump's third favorite son the only thing the fbi took was his heart what could they possibly think existed inside of mar-a-lago in a box that was taken from the white house that that was so damaging that the fbi director and the attorney general of the united states would would have to raid a former president's residence and grab everything out of there i don't know they'll probably find a note for me telling him how proud i am of him and what great job he was doing as president they might find some pictures of my kids maybe some nice you know headlines maybe a nice note from you sean oh eric you silly silly man did daddy tell you that's where your letters to him go hidden away somewhere safe they're just too important to show anybody or acknowledge in any way eric that's why i locked them up right next to my wedding ring that's what i do now aside from the boxes that they took the fbi also looked inside trump's safe which is very dramatic like because apparently they had to break into it all right so now you're like how do they do it did they blow it open or did they just correctly guess the code or 6969 honestly i i'd be surprised i would actually be surprised if they found white house documents in trump's safe because the safe is where you keep your most prized possessions yeah so in my head searching through trump's safe would probably go a lot more like this all right guys let's see what we have in here all right my god the entire safe is just filled with mac rib after mac rib this is this is they're stacked on top of each other this is i don't even understand it's an unventilated safe who would do this wait wait hold on there's a secret panel in the bottom i think we found it we just found nope another macro boys another back rare [Applause] now you might be wondering you might be wondering isn't this an extremely explosive situation for the united states yes it is it is you don't want to let a former president get away with crimes right because nobody in america is above the law except corporations and rich people and police and celebrities sometimes but aside from them nobody is above the law but at the same time even the perception that the justice department is being used to go after your political opponents that could erode people's trust in governments so it's a really tricky situation and the only thing we can do is wait and see how the investigation unfolds or if you fox news you can just freak out right now this is an abomination this is gestapo crap it's probably the worst day in the history of the fbi this is a wake-up call for those in congress to be able to use the tools at their disposal to defund the fbi dismantle the fbi into a thousand bits representative marjorie taylor green simply tweeting defund the fbi if this is what they're able to do to the former president of the united states think about what they could do to you to anybody in america the real target of this investigation isn't trump the real target of this investigation is you do we have a dual justice system in america is there equal justice under the law i am deathly afraid for donald trump i would not put assassination behind these people we're entering a basically a venezuelan zimbabwean east german style banana republican which the law doesn't matter this is some third world [ __ ] right here let me say it again third world [ __ ] all right first of all as someone from the third world maybe leave us out of your [ __ ] for once huh how about that hold on [ __ ] right here here's yourself every time every time americans want to call something in america that is that's corrupt all of a sudden they're like oh this is third world [ __ ] my man at what point do you realize that it's happening here it's you it's you bad things only happen in other countries when it's here it's still happening in another country in fact when something happens in the actual third world yeah these days america's gotten so bad people in africa are like are you kidding me this is just like america ah no this place is turning into america what are we doing here what are we doing but i do get what super karen is saying if the fbi if the fbi is going to go after trump for stealing classified documents from the white house then what's to stop them from going after you when you steal classified documents from the white house it's not the country we want to live in where anyone can be investigated just for the crime of doing crimes i don't think so i don't think so and you know what all of this just shows you it was just like you just get a moment to say that is how amazing how quickly mega world turns on law enforcement and america as a whole whenever it suits them whenever things go against them huh all of a sudden marjorie taylor green posting a photo of an upside down american flag after this raid happened yeah well i thought respecting the flag was the most important thing in the world colin kaepernick is probably kneeling in his grave right now all of these people complaining what happened to if you don't like what's happening in america why don't you just leave what happened to that huh and all of these all of these years what does it mean two years now of people saying defund the police it's like the n word for law enforcement yes but let the fbi take two boxes from mar-a-lago and all of a sudden these same people are like take that thin blue line and shove it up your ass defund the fbi defund the cops same people same people where's law enforcement now you know we need to start for conservatives we need to start a like a game show called who's woke now that's what we should call it yeah it's like bringing our first contestant to sean hannity who says now there are two justice systems in america it's not fair oh who's woke now sean you just won yourself an afro pick congratulations brother look we don't know we don't know what this raid will reveal we don't even know if donald trump has actually done anything wrong but what it has exposed is that this whole mega crowd they're only pro law enforcement the only pro law enforcement when the law is not enforcing them [Music] first up domino's pizza has announced that it is closing the last of its restaurants in italy and yes yes they had dominoes in italy italy has drunk people too you know if you ask me them going out of business in italy was actually the best thing that could have happened to them because think about it they came to the land of pizza and then they injected cheese into the crust oh they lucky they didn't get the death penalty you know those are challenges like mama what have you done to the pizza how can you do this meanwhile in international news cuban firefighters have successfully extinguished the largest fire in cuba's history which burned for five days after lightning struck an oil depot that generates power for basically the entire country yeah and honestly i i was just surprised to learn that america knows how to make lightning now oh and then in tech news in tech news whatsapp the world's largest messaging app has announced that is launching a new privacy feature that will allow users to leave group chats without everyone in the group knowing yeah which is a much better system than the one before yeah because before this you have to text everyone in the group that you were going out for a pack of cigarettes and they just never come back and i know i know for most americans whatsapp is like celsius you sort of know what it is but you don't use it but for the rest of the world this is huge news you gotta understand almost everyone in the world uses whatsapp the problem is anyone can add anyone else to a group chat yeah you don't have to have consent from them you may not even know these people this morning i spent an hour arguing with adewele and 42 other africans about whether coal stoves are better than wood boring stoves but here's the thing here's the thing i don't own a coal stove i don't know the wood burning stuff and worst of all i don't even know who anywhere is i don't know but i can't leave the group chat because every time i try whatsapp notifies them and then adiwell is we added you back in the chat we saw you left huh something must have happened so as i was saying if the wood burns there go see soup no i'm just going to creep out slowly creep out just disappear from the group all right let's move on to the story that is still rocking these here united states and it's about donald j making me crazy trump america's wildest former president is being hit with multiple criminal investigations for no reason except for all the crimes he probably committed so to try and keep up with all the latest persecutions it's time for a brand new segment we call america's most tremendously wanted [Music] [Music] all right let's start in new york state which is currently investigating trump's businesses for tax fraud yeah because apparently when he was trying to get loans from the bank he was all like i'm balling out of control but then when he was reporting his taxes to the irs suddenly he was like hey i ain't got no money sir [Applause] and as part of this investigation the new york attorney general has already questioned trump's beloved children and also eric but today today it was the donald's turn to go under oath and i'll give credit to the man you know he could have bitched out but no he stood tall and he walked into that interrogation room and then bitched out former president donald trump says he has invoked his fifth amendment right against self-incrimination refusing to answer any questions in his deposition before new york attorney general letitia james in a statement trump says he had no choice because he and his family are the targets of what he called an unfounded politically motivated witch-hunt trump was set to testify under oath about his business practices but faced with those questions he's decided not to talk trump decided not to talk yo i mean now we know something shady is going on right no because when has donald trump ever refused to talk we can't get the man to stop talking donald trump not talking he's like taylor swift taking the bus that's not a thing i didn't even know this guy was capable of not talking he must have been shocked that when he found out that not speaking was something that was allowed doesn't mean like you mean this thing doesn't have to be moving 24 7. that's amazing i could just close my mouth and keep it closed and everything would be fine so fine such a beautiful idea total silence more silence than anyone in the history of silence and here i go folks silence you're not hearing a thing wonderful silence it's so quiet you can't hear anything nobody's ever been this quiet [Applause] so quiet now a lot of people a lot of people a lot of people believe that when you plead the fifth it means that you're guilty but no look i don't believe that all right i know people do but i don't believe that right you might just not want to incriminate yourself but i get it there are some people who truly believe that if you plead the fifth you are guilty and one of those people is donald j trump taking the fifth i think it's disgraceful fifth amendment fifth amendment fifth amendment horrible horrible the mob takes different if you're innocent why are you taking the fifth amendment yes donald if you're innocent why are you taking the fifth amendment why are you taking the first amendment it's really amazing how of all of trump's enemies his worst enemy is just him from the past yeah that that guy's relentless present day trump is probably like why won't this guy just shut up it's so easy just watch quiet totally silent not a sound so when anyone else please the fifth trump says it proves that they were criminal but now now that trump is in the hot seat suddenly he sees it in a different way you know and maybe maybe it's because his lawyers explained it to him in a way that he would understand like see sir it's like signing an nda but with yourself you know oh so i'm the porn star but it turns out it turns out new york's investigation might be the least of trump's worries because you remember this two days ago right the fbi raided trump's house to look for classified documents that he illegally took from the white house and remember remember this we do not know what those documents are all right they could be anything they could be nuclear codes they could be battle plans or or ivanka's job description yeah that was so top secret even she didn't know what it was or even worse he could have taken the instructions to the white house tv remote now joe biden has no idea how to change the channels come on man i i just want to watch happy days come on man change the channel please [Applause] i know i know some of you are wondering right now some of you are thinking trevor is is a former president keeping documents that they have already had in their position is that that serious of a crime you know i mean trump didn't look at the documents when he was president so you think he's looking at them now and look i kind of agree with you i'll be honest i didn't think it was that serious of a matter but my opinion doesn't count the reason this is the way it is is because there was once an american president who believed that this crime was so serious he increased the penalty from one year to five years in prison and who was that president donald just look at him now trump trump's removal of documents might violate a 2018 act that he himself signed into law increasing the penalty for improper handling of documents to five years in prison trump signed the law after he spent years accusing hillary clinton of illegally storing classified documents on a private email server looks like he did it again [Applause] oh i love [Applause] how this you not after spending years saying lock her up donald trump signed the law that might get him locked up instead this guy is basically a real life wily coyote yeah he leaves traps for all his enemies but somehow he's the one who keeps on getting smushed on the road it's just him every single time [Applause] so thanks to trump this crime is a big deal which is why the red hat brigade has come out in full force to defend them and they're throwing everything at the wall everything now the biden administration is just out to get trump oh the judge who approved the raid is anti-trump the mishandling the classified documents isn't a big deal unless you're hillary clinton but today today's really interesting they seem to be coalescing around a new talking point and it's that the fbi wasn't at mar-a-lago to take evidence they were there to plant evidence donald trump writing on truth social today quote everyone was asked to leave the premises they wanted to be left alone without any witnesses to see what they were doing taking or hopefully not planting quite honestly i'm concerned that they may have planted something you know at this point who knows we know they doctor evidence we know they plant evidence do i know that the boxes of material they took from mar-a-lago that they won't put things in those boxes to entrap him how do we know his lawyers said they brought in backpacks what what was in those backpacks was did they bring those in to fill them up or did they have something in there yeah what was in those backpacks trump world everyone's doing this they're trying to get ahead of everything right they're trying to get ahead of everyone hearing what the fbi found in this house by basically suggesting that whatever it is they put it there themselves yeah the fbi is going to say they found all these secret documents and a bunch of pictures of brad pitt with my face glued on it so it looks like my face is kissing brad pitt's face but that's all blended folks it's not real this is a classic move we've seen this before right yeah at some point every kid has tried to pull this move with their parents when they're about to get busted it's like before you search my room for weed you should just know that there have been like a lot of burglars breaking into people's houses and putting half smoke joints inside old sneakers so if you find something that's probably them what is amazing to me is how totally united every single conservative has been in defending trump when we still have no idea what the fbi found at mar-a-lago no one no conservative being like whoa wait let's let's wait and see actually i think senator scott said that the rest of them they're just like i know i do know this i haven't seen one person on fox who's even open to the idea that trump may have done something wrong not even one it feels like someone at fox even suggested that trump might be wrong a trap door would open yeah and they just fall into a pit of pronouns ah they them he me i don't get it i don't get it [Applause] so in 48 hours conservatives have decided the fbi is corrupt trump is being framed and the only crime he could be guilty of is looking so damn good in that suit as for the rest of us we're just gonna have to wait and see how the story unfolds first up some international news new zealand may be getting a new name yes yeah maori politicians have launched the campaign to restore one of the country's original names aotearoa right yeah and [Applause] i think we can all be honest like they didn't put a lot of thought into naming it new zealand in the first place yeah colonizers are so late this is new zealand there's new england new york zero effort there's like pete davidson calling his next go for a new kim terrible it's not going to work meanwhile in health news officials in new york say that hundreds of people in the state may be infected with polio because so many people are unvaccinated yeah so i guess new york is back back in the 1950s and you know i'll be honest with you i don't care anymore yeah i don't polio you want to come for me come come here you're going to have to fight for space in my body with coveted monkey parks just going on just go at it just go at it hard oh and in uh in politics in politics according to a new book about the trump white house president trump complained that his national security team wasn't loyal enough to him saying quote why can't you be like the german generals in world war ii yeah that's right fox news was out there every day like these liberals are so over the top always comparing trump to hitler meanwhile trump was going why won't people treat me more like hitler why not man and it actually it actually got even more alarming than that later in the same meeting he told his generals to find the ark of the government before indiana jones got his hands on it now i'm joking but that's not even the real story so this is the crazy part after trump went off about how his generals should be as loyal as hitler's were general kelly's response to him was you do know that they tried to kill hitler three times and almost pulled it off and i don't know why but i feel like i feel like that information didn't change trump's opinion of the german generals like like knowing trump he was probably like those losers tried to kill hitler three times and they choked like a dog like a duck couldn't get it done you know who was able to kill hitler in the first try hitler it's called leadership people leadership but anyway let's move on to some of the bigger news stories of the day starting off with president joe biden who had himself one hell of a weekend first of all he finally tested negative again for covid and was allowed to leave quarantine for the first time in 18 days yeah so he's back and as good as new or whatever he was when he went in and 18 days is a long time in quarantine but i'm sure he'll get right back into the string of things you know because yeah being president is a lot like you know riding a a bike oh joe don't do it don't do it so the good news for biden is that he's out of quarantine and even more good news for biden is that he's now in the history books the historic vote in the senate major major victory tonight for the democrats and for our planet this morning democrats triumphant every member of my caucus is elated about what happened because we've really we've changed the world in a way that you rarely get an opportunity to do that passing a sweeping climate health care and economic package after 22 straight hours of dusk to dawn work over the weekend vice president kamala harris casting the tie-breaking vote for democrats to pass the bill which boasts climate spending and billions in energy investments also reducing prices of prescription drugs by letting medicare negotiate directly with pharmaceutical companies a major legislative victory for democrats in congress and for the biden white house suddenly he is one of the most consequential legislative presidents since lbj in his first two years in office yeah don't look now people but all of a sudden sleepy joe has himself a pretty fat stack of accomplishments yeah in just the past few weeks he'll have done lower prescription drug prices the biggest investment in green energy ever healthcare for veterans exposed to burn pits investment imputed computer chip uh production and he kept the leader of al-qaeda while he was sunbathing think about it he's insane you realize what this means if he keeps this up his approval rating is going to shoot all the way up to like 39 percent and he did all of this with kovid i bet right now the white house doctors are trying to figure out how to give cove back to the president again come on guys if we're getting infected maybe he'll end the war in ukraine and by the way i know this is weird but but have you noticed that joe biden seems to be the most successful whenever he disappears no i know it's weird but like like during the campaign right he went and he hid in the basement and nobody saw him for months everyone's like where's joe biden where's your button and then i don't know where they were like they announced that he was the president yeah remember he even came out on election night and was just like wait really okay yeah i guess what me then now gas prices crazy congress stuck inflation wild joe biden gets coveted disappears into the basement again and then when he comes out they tell him that not only is he still the president he is now one of the greatest presidents in the history of presidents gas prices went down congress is getting things done the choco taco is coming back from the dam well i don't know what's in that basement or whatever it is it's working in fact i want that basement to be president basement 2024. and by the way it's not like this bill was easy for biden to get remember that because it's a 50-50 senate right the democrats can't afford to lose a single vote so first they spent a year convincing joe manchin to get on board and he was like look i'll back your climate change stuff but only if you let me squeeze baby seals to see if there's oil inside and the democrats were like sure yeah whatever whatever but then at the last minutes they had to convince kirsten cinema and she was like okay i'll sign on but only if you let me squeeze hedge fund managers to see if there's campaign donations inside and i guess it worked so let's move on because no matter what you think about joe biden's accomplishments we can all agree that he stole the election in 2020 yeah it was a landslide victory for donald trump but sneaky joe byron hacked into the matrix and turned all the voting machines black no one denies this and on january 6 a group of patriots tried to explain all of this to mike pence's neck but instead of listening the u.s government has been throwing them in jail they've been locked away in those cold cells ever since with only their fur hats to keep them warm [Applause] so over the weekend over the weekend conservatives gathered in texas right to raise awareness for just how badly the january sixth writers are being treated and and the way they did this was they held a very special tribute that is very moving and not at all hilarious the insurrection fallout is front and center at cpac this year's most buzzed about booth is this a fake jail cell what you're watching actually happened at cpac it features a convicted january 6 rioter doing performance art in a cage wearing an orange jumpsuit visitors were offered headsets so they could listen to interviews with jail january 6 defendants while watching the actor weep some viewers wept along with him others threw money into the cage georgia congresswoman marjorie taylor green entered the cell to pray with him okay wait wait wait wait wait wait okay just wait help me understand help me understand the logic marjorie taylor green is praying for a fake prisoner no there's a real thing she's she's like sir who is this lady like america you want to say this is a person who's actually part of running your country she's in there mourning with a fake praying for like how does she function in the world it's a fake person she must have the hottest time at broadway shows they killed hamilton [Applause] i mean i guess in her defense this actor in the lobby of the cpac convention who really commits it to the role because apparently he spent hours in that jail cell weeping the whole time just weeping which in a way is a powerful performance arc because isn't that what conservatism has turned to in america right it's just people in mega hats acting like they're victims there's fewer white people now than there used to be but we still have all the power by the way the part that made me laugh the hardest was how people were throwing money into the cage like what what is that is this like the only way they know how to interact with art is the same way they interact with strippers you know just like your freedom has been stolen from you shake that ass just shake that ass [Applause] [Music] now you would think a story like this couldn't get any crazier but truly the best part of the story is this actor who played the defendant was an actual rioter on january 6 who reportedly avoided a prison sentence by snitching on the other rioters yeah so just so you understand this dude is pretending to be a prisoner that he helped send to prison which is insane you snitched on your fellow rioters they go to jail and now you're out in the streets crying like man i wish there was something i could have done to stop them from going to jail i wish there's something i could have done this is wild all right let's move on to some major news out of the entertainment world there is no denying that there are far too many streaming services out there these days people it's just too much there's hulu there's netflix there's you know prime video apple tv plus disney plus it's getting out of hand it's getting out of hand especially when paramount plus gives you everything that you need in one place you know there's there's champions league there's rupaul's drag race there's the daily show there's south park the star trek the daily show beavers and butter and of course the daily show what else do you need so yes there are way too many services but luckily soon there's gonna be one less soon you'll get a two-for-one deal on streaming hbo max and discovery plus will merge next year subscribers will have various options between hbo scripted entertainment and discoveries reality based programming it comes as hbo mac struggles with performance and customer issues the ceo of warner brothers says discovery plus has better technology and will become the core of the new service no no no this is enough how many times does hbo going to change this name huh it was hbo go and then it was hbo now and hbo max like at this point i feel like this is messing with us next month they're going to be like our new name is hbo [ __ ] ass says what what so yeah warner brothers discovery and hbo are merging everything into one giant company i know that's going to be weird but i for one cannot wait to see how all of these biggest shows combined up on house hunters westeros jerry is looking for a bigger space in king's landing for his growing family okay first of all a sword chair what is this like 15 27 guys let's switch that let's just switch that whole thing up you know let's put in a cute ottoman knock down some of these walls yeah switch out the blood with a fresh coat of paint yeah we gotta do that oh we gotta fix the thermostat that's way too hot way too hot and also on the new hbo discovery stay tuned for the premiere of our new series 90 day succession to fundamentally alter the nature of the family on my wedding day you have any conception of how goddamn selfish you are lady i just want a green card [Applause] [Music] let's kick things off with the ongoing saga of donald judeo christian trump who earlier this week was rudely interrupted by the fbi when he was trying to hoard classified documents and there's still a lot we don't know about this raid what did the fbi find why would trump be keeping these documents in the first place has trump secretly been able to read this entire time but now we may be getting a little more insight into why the fbi moved in on mar-a-lago tonight brand new reporting about what led the fbi to execute a search warrant monday at trump's florida home the wall street journal reporting that the feds may have gotten a tip-off from an insider after officials visited mar-a-lago back in june to ask about government documents possibly stored there someone familiar with the stored papers told investigators there may still be more classified documents at the private club trump world is now reportedly trying to figure out who flipped according to rolling stone trump is worried that he may have a rat or multiple rats in his midst he's wondering if his phones are tapped or even if his buddies could be wearing wire oh no one of trump's friends could be wearing a wire this is the worst possible scenario because now he's got to tell rudy giuliani and steve bannon to take their shirts off just be like take it you know what on second thought i'll just kill myself and if this is actually true i am going to be shocked i cannot believe someone would betray trump's trust like this without getting a book deal first you're leaving money on the table people what are you doing also by the way before mega world tears itself apart trying to figure out who's the rat i think you should all consider the fact that trump could be the leak okay no because if there's one thing we've learned over the past seven years is that he's the king of snitching on himself yeah for all we know he was bragging about it at the mar-a-lago buffet he's just like this chocolate cake it's almost as unforgettable as the classified documents i keep in my basement but not a single person knows it was the perfect crime by the way that's a real picture of him at the buffet we didn't create that there are many pictures of him at the buffet now if we had more time we could get into how trump has had such a tight hold on the republican party that they're willing to put him above the law or we could talk about whether merrick garland unsealing the search warrant will convince republicans that this search was justified but we just don't have the time because while trump is fighting off the fbi two former trump officials are trying to dodge iranian assassins turning to a story overseas a member of iran's elite revolutionary guard is charged in an alleged plot to murder former national security adviser john bolton investigators say the alleged murder for hire plot began to take shape after this drone strike in iraq assassinated top iranian general qasim suleimani over two years ago iran bowed retaliation the justice department is now charging sharam prasafi a member of iran's revolutionary guard with offering three hundred thousand dollars to murder bolton the fbi also alleges that porsafi had a second job for one million dollars the target of that job former secretary of state mike pompeo yeah that's right america assassinated iran's top general one of the country's most respected and feared men and iran responded by trying to kill john bolton and mike pompeo [Applause] it's not the same level it's like it's like if your wife slept with your best friend and you're like oh yeah well i hooked up with the i.t guy at your office okay you know in some ways it actually says something about how divided america is yeah that it has nobody as respected as soleimani was in iran it feels like if anyone got assassinated in america half the country would be like hell yeah thank you iran and by the way just as insult three hundred thousand dollars for bolton but a million for pompeo [Applause] yo that's a big difference in price i almost i almost feel bad for john bolton because i don't know what's worse being on an assassin's hit list or having the assassin find you and the assassin jumping out like john bolton sag i'm looking for a more important person to kill do you know where i could find him yes yes point me in the right direction also by the way if iran was willing to pay a million dollars to kill trump's secretary of state they should have just asked trump to do it i mean he was going to get his vice president killed for free come on people think about it think about it no but for real i do feel bad for john bolton i mean yes he's always trying to bomb every other country yes he brags about overthrowing governments but being hunted by the iranians can't be fun i mean it definitely explains why he's wearing that stupid fake mustache the whole time it's real oh sorry my bad uh now now if we had more time we could talk about how america sees nothing wrong with assassinating foreign officials whenever they like but as surprised when other countries want to get revenge you should have turned the other cheek but we just don't have the time god damn it because while iran is trying to get rid of people japan is trying to figure out how to add people to its population the only problem is who they put in charge of that japan has replaced the female minister in charge of reversing the country's falling birth rate with a man who has never had children masanabu ogura said he gained an understanding of the issues facing expectant mothers by wearing a simulated pregnancy belly for 24 hours telling reporters that wearing the 16 pound prosthetic left him with sympathy for women and back pain [Applause] this is the dumbest [ __ ] i've ever heard in my life if having a big belly helped men understand women the patriarchy would be long gone what are you talking about is the dumbest thing you have ollie left me with his backpack also like what a [ __ ] ass one day and he was like oh my back now aside from trying to miss doubtfire their falling population problem japan is trying everything to figure out why their people aren't having more babies and look i'm not a scientist but if you ask me maybe it's because they invented the playstation yeah that thing has prevented more pregnancies than every condom diaphragm and iud ever made ever [Applause] that's real birth control yeah because people be like all right baby you ready to have some sex oh we're gonna have some real sex tonight girls come all right let me just finish this mission let me just oh [ __ ] i just unlocked the rpg yo boys get online we're gone all night baby you're probably gonna want to live the rest of your life without me yeah now if we had more time we could talk about how japan is a warning to every developed country in the world that if your immigration policies are too restrictive at some point your population is gonna collapse or if we had time we could have so much fun talking about how japan basically has a secretary of road dogging which is wild like what does he do send the army to like snipe holes out of condoms i would love to figure it out but ain't nobody got time for that before we go i just wanted to remind you about a fantastic organization japaigo they deal with helping women deliver care right all around the world whether it's training doctors on family health educating women on planned parenting or building new systems to get women's health care to impoverish communities they do it all so if you'd like to help them guarantee healthier futures for women and their families then please donate at the link below [Music]

Channel: The Daily Show

Views: 3,224,864

Keywords: the daily show, trevor noah, daily show with trevor noah, the daily show episodes, comedy central, comedians, comedian, funny video, comedy videos, funny clips, noah trevor, trevor noah latest episode, daily show, trevor, news, politics, trump, raid, fbi, mar-a-lago, florida, plead the fifth, fifth amendment, leak, insider leak, conservatives, law enforcement, police, ccops

Id: n6DeX5cw1_A

Length: 44min 34sec (2674 seconds)

Published: Sat Aug 13 2022

Reddit Comments

[u/Inevitable-Cat-5226]

Why does Trevor ignore Joe Biden taking shows with his daughter?

Because he is owned by democrats, or because he's found of pedophiles?