What Secret Are You Taking To The Grave? (r/AskReddit)

read it what secret are you taking to the grave nsw my parents took me to get my hearing checked when I was 12 because I wasn't responding when they called my name I pretended not to hear some of the beeps in the hearing aid test room as a result I wore a hearing aid for two years when I was 12 14 years old I don't know why I did that my freshman year of college I was really hung over one morning and I was back at my parents house for the rest of the weekend I was wearing loose-fitting athletic shorts with no underwear and kind of rocking back and forth in front of the TV to feel that satisfying slap any dude knows what I'm talking about while I went to fart but instead a stream of diarrhea squirted out just at the right moment and completely missed my shorts but got all over the carpet I went to the bathroom to grab some TP and by the time I got back to the living room my dad was on his hands and knees cleaning it up and yelling at my dog I've never had the heart to tell him it was my accident I worked for a shipping company at a customer desk a guy I had known came in to ship a package he was a known drug dealer in my town he didn't recognize me the package was wrapped in duct tape I took the package brought it out back and made it disappear into my backpack after my shift I opened the package and found 37 thousand eight hundred and ninety dollars in cash I never went back to the job and never heard anything about it I left Texas a month later with cash in hand power-play also that dude probably got murdered my dad cheated on my mom with her sister when I was born my aunt mudan to help my mother with the newborn ATA's me my mother told me while she was drunk at a dinner party and started it all off with you know I know I sometimes sound like I hate you but there's a reason so even though I love both of my parents I secretly think they are both pretty awful excuses for human beings my dad for obvious reasons my mother for holding it all against me in gr 10 my dad made a deal with me if I got an average of 88% he'd buy me a new laptop while the marks came in and I only got something like an for 85% average well Frick that I want my laptop so I went online to the regional school boards website and downloaded a PDF template of the report card I don't know why they would have this available used a PDF editor to fill in the blanks and voila got a brand-new laptop no regrets PS after I did this I started selling customized fake report cards for $50 each I was giving my cat a belly rub and it just all over my hand you must give really good belly rubs I was groped and are paid by a teenager multiple times when I was six years old the last date happened my mom walked in on the act she was furious she yelled she grabbed a gun she dragged the guy out while he pleaded for his life she put him in her car and drove away I never saw him again he was my grandma's neighbor there was no police report there was no trial I asked her where he was and she told me that she took him far away and he wouldn't come back I didn't think anything of it then I hardly knew what had been happening and I eventually blocked it from my mind I have flashes of it from time to time sometimes I wonder what she really did when my brother committed suicide I was walking into his house to go hang out and I never knocked because her best friend said his house is my house and my house is his house anyway I walked and got some food from the kitchen and figured he might have a girl over because usually he'll hear me and say what's up from across the house so I didn't bother him I've been in his house eating for about ten minutes when I hear the gunshot that killed him when anyone asks I tell them I found him like that I don't think I'll be able to ever tell anyone I know that if I would have just knocked her walked down the hall I might have saved his life I once took a week-long trip to London my mother asked me to get her a small rock from there because neither of us have ever been out of the country so I spent the whole trip looking for this rock and finally find the perfect one fantastic she loved it when I get back so I get home I'm taking inventory of all of my souvenirs and the rock is gone I immediately think back to where last saw it it was on the bedside table in the hotel in London crap so I quickly run outside and find a decent Rock I clean it off we live in Georgia freaking red clay is noticeable laughs and wrap it nicely I eventually gave it to her with the story I got it from the castle it had break my heart to know that I got it from our backyard my dad was a biker he died in a motorcycle accident he had this huge old garage barn that he spent hours in I was cleaning it out with my sister and we found a locked briefcase buried in a cupboard we popped the lock and it was full of women's clothing stockings lingerie things like that and definitely not my mom's sighs I was peed he had been cheating on her then I got into his AOL accounts my mom can't work a computer any better than she could work a spaceship so I had to go in to shut his accounts down there I found all of these screen names that he had made over the years every one of them had to do with stockings and panties that's when I realized that the clothing in the briefcase wasn't a woman's it was his I found tongues of gay pion his computer as well my sister and I swore never to tell and we got rid of all of the evidence my mom is extremely conservative and even though I don't agree with her point of view I know it would kill her to find out that briefcase is sitting in the dump now fight through the rocks of the school with one of my best mates and some other student tattled on us basically we both got the paddle basically they smack your bum and they sent a letter home to my dad my dad received the letter and I lied to him and said I never threw the rocks my dad bless his heart believed me and took it to a school principal and convinced him that I wouldn't lie about such things since the principal wanted to rectify it for my dad's sake he offered me a free voucher for an ice cream as an apology it's 15 years down the track now and I still feel really bad for it I feel like if I told my dad now it would break his heart in my younger years I had a neighbor that constantly left a mess in the yard making it look like a junkyard and they let their kids just run around freaking up the entire neighborhood I tried to sort it out civilly with them by asking them to stop doing things at peed off every one but the only response I got was that I was racist and they would target me and say I touched their kids if I ever talk to them again they were great a butthole so I decided to respond in kind and made an anonymous tip to the cops that they were selling drugs I did this for maybe four months asking my buddies to make similar tips every now and then well one day I come home from school the whole neighborhood is outside on the streets and the buttholes house had cop cars and a van outside turns out the tips worked and the cops finally checked it out but then I see the mother and father getting let out in cuffs turns out when the cops showed up it was just two officers but when they went to the daughter talked to them the father took off out the back door long story short that made the cops chase him down drag him back search the house and end up finding a fuckton of pills coke and weed stashed all over the house since they had kids the hammer came down on the hard for that and in the end they were both arrested for dealing and the kids were taken away not sure if it was the right thing and I will never let anyone know but at least after that they weren't freaking out the neighborhood anymore all my friends think they watched me lose my virginity on my front lawn one fateful summer night when I was 13 we were actually just pretending to have SX in order to freak with my friends we were both too scared to actually do it I've never corrected them I was in kindergarten probably five years old and during sleeping time I asked a girl to show me her dong Phi hat at the time the freakiest buckwild freak of my life with my best friend run mate sister in the middle of it we heard someone come in thought it was the other room mate nope it was him proceeded to have quite a freak thinking he would leave eventually nope marathon gaming session in the living room had to pull out my car behind the place of the alley climb on my car and help her down from the second-story window when I went back home he asked me if his sister had come by because she left her keys in the kitchen I said I didn't know he thinks the other roommate banged her because well he looks like a dude that flicks dude sisters I once put a bottle in my butt to poop into it my dad's our National Socialists and he regularly goes to meetings I was raised alone Germanic folklore and the idea that I'm superior to others because I'm off German decent I have plenty of Jewish and slavish friends and I just tell them my dad died when I was younger when I was 13 I was told that my great grandparents were going to move to Texas and start their journey to heaven I was crushed I would spend every day with them up until they moved in May of 2009 before they moved I took a shoebox and decorated it with a picture of them and angel wings I took my GG's favorite shirt my pops favorite button-up printed their favorite things and stash them away in the box they would search for the shirt and assumed they packed it away one month later my Papa passed away then my Gigi passed a week after him I was crushed I never told anyone but my current boyfriend about the box and most likely never will because I'm selfish I've only opened it up three times in the past six years I swear the shirt still smell like them my sister and I were on holiday together recently and very drunk one night when we got back from the bar naturally we started drinking more because we were on holiday she has the ice cube tray in her hand opened the window simultaneously and loses her focus and drops the tray five floors to the street hitting a big guy square in the dome he looks up and started screaming and shouting in Italian I live in Rome so I understood he was calling us some bad bad names we just closed the window and continued drinking while we could hear this man shouting he was going to come up there and rip our heads off please never find me mr. scary Italian man M / 18 at the time my first night away from my parents in a new town for college I was are paired also lost my virginity by girl with a combination of severe autism and Down syndrome I had passed out in a bed after a party first day of college why not celebrate right I awoke to find myself tied up and her slamming me I tried to fight back throw her off but she burst my nose then choked me out I woke up the next morning untied covered in blood semen and Mike completely ripped up from scissors now 23 living with my girlfriend the question obviously came up once or twice it's generally a funny embarrassing story for most people I can't bring myself to tell her the truth I also won't ever let her get on top while we have intercourse one night I woke up with my mind in a twist my mom was in the hospital at a time I had a crazy urge to call them and check on her but I reason not to because I couldn't think of an excuse so I fell back to sleep 5:00 a.m. I get a call that they checked on her and she didn't have a pulse I just think there was something I could have done that destroys me to even think about it I walked in on my then 15 year old male cousin violating my grandparents female dog it was mortifying and I'll never forget what I saw I was only 8 or so at the time and I didn't really know what to do time passed and by the time I had figured out what to do I don't think anyone would have taken my word over his at 5 the husband of my mom's cousin up had me I remember that night my mom bathing his daughter and I together I was too afraid to sit in the water because it hurts so bad to which the daughter told me don't worry it'll stop hurting once you get in I didn't tell anyone because I didn't want to break that family apart since it was so already fragile it's probably too late now but I wish I'd said something because looking back his kids were really flicked up for the r34 I've drawn over the years in fifth grade I cheated on an exam my buddy and I were the only two people in the grade who got this particular question correct but I copied him the worst part was he was considered dumb while I was at the top of the class so the teacher was convinced that he copied me and he ended up getting suspended long story short I was too pushed to admit that I was the one who cheated as my parents would have murdered me if I failed the test and even worse if I got suspended my mother killed my father when I was 8 years old with a shotgun blast to the face he bled out through what was left of his head into my lap blood has a smell a stink when there's enough of it around she got off because it was a self-defense situation she sent me to school the next day and ever since I've pretended that I'm a well-adjusted stable person I'm not I went to counseling for abuse after my parents divorced and I was never abused so they put me in the regular room with all the people there who were waiting for their siblings I claimed my father abused me so I could go to the special room with all the abused kids it was horrible I had no right being in that room with all those people they all were really messed up from what their parents had done to them and I just got in so I could play Yug Oh when we were kids a female cousin and I played doctor around the age of 6 or 7 talked about it a few years ago around the age of 25 became deeply intimate and have had really incredible intercourse several times over the last few years she recently got married and we have since ended our relationship we are both normal successful contributing citizens you'd never know hopefully no one finds out but I miss her and our level of intimacy uncle tragically passed away last year never married no kids treated his 10 nieces and nephews like we could do no wrong I also found out he was probably gay and I don't think he was out to my family or at least to most of us but no one would have had a problem with it but it's hard to come out when my grandma just wants to set her youngest would have turned 50 in May baby up with all the ladies you know she's persistent that means well is also a tad oblivious at times but she's in her eighties anyway after he passed my dad and I were in charge of finding files to the book he was supposedly writing about our family we wanted to finish the book and publish it in his name my dad was having no luck finding files on his HD so I took a stab at it dad isn't the best of computers I found dating site photos he had taken shirtless mirror picks photos of guys I assumed he was talking to an demo he could have done better you're the best uncle and only deserve the best also saw his history when I was looking through his browser's bookmarks to get to his emails and accounts I forget if I deleted it yet if I haven't I will I figured the search history was confirmation enough for me me and my wife were going through tough times I just got back from back Afghanistan I played Russian roulette with my 357 Magnum 3 loaded I lost getting a divorce now and alive broke into a church daughter the children's day care thing was open then took a tiny kid's chair the first person I ever factor was wonder from The Fairly OddParents I'm an out lesbian but a few weeks ago I had intercourse with a male friend of mine he's gay we both got drunk and curious and had never gotten with the opposite gender after sleeping with my then girlfriend she got up to use the shower how I kept a stiff upper lip while talking to someone with cornet bar track I have no idea but by god I had a face of stone I instantly realized she'd be horribly horribly embarrassed if she found out and I couldn't let that happen I left the bathroom and thought to myself ok she was on bottom for a while and buck naked of course so Oh Frick me I immediately head to the bedroom throw back the covers and sure enough there's a big frickin skid mark on her pretty white bed sheet well Frick hot shot what do you do now strip the bed explain later fine I pull the fitted sheet off the bed and find another fitted pant thing under it with another freaking skid mark at this point I'm starting to feel impressed by my prowess her hair and mortified at the possibility of the frickin mattress having crap on it too anxiously peel off the fitted pad and thank the gods of fornication it remained under fouled relieved I wouldn't have to throw her mattress on the front lawn and set it on fire I quickly throw the sheets in the washer and started up shortly after she gets out of the shower and asks about the stripped bed and washing machine running lately she'd been spotting a little bit and she figured that must have been what it was it didn't bother me at all and knew she couldn't help it but it made her feel really embarrassed that's why I knew if a little bit of blood on my junk embarrassed her then a big frickin rooster tail on her bed sheets would freaking destroy her so she got sad and embarrassed and talked about how she grossed me out and I wouldn't want to sleep with her anymore but all in all we were fine to this day I never told a soul that was the first and hopefully last time I've ever literally flicked the crap out of someone you have been visited by the super landshark comment not today to make sure he doesn't eat you if you are new to the channel you can subscribe I publish new videos every day until then check another video or don't either way have a great day you magnificent people [Music]

Channel: Updoot Everything

Views: 1,711,837

Rating: 4.9063807 out of 5

Keywords: #updootst, updoot, reddit, r/askreddit, askreddit, ask reddit, r/, \r, r\, best of reddit, reddit stories, reddit story, top posts, funniest posts, funny, funny posts, funny reddit stories, funny askreddit, reddit funny, askreddit funny, askreddit stories, reddit stories 2019, people of reddit, sub, reddit cringe, memes, toadfilms, updoot everything, updoot reddit, story, stories, rslash, comedy, fresh, funny reddit, top posts of r/, askreddit new, askreddit top posts, askreddit reading

Id: Z9S9UH60UhE

Length: 18min 20sec (1100 seconds)

Published: Thu Oct 31 2019