What Is Your Best "One Time My Dad..." Story? (r/AskReddit)

what is your best one time my dad story I am a Bengali and as all good Bengalis we went to see Tigers in North Bengal at spoiler alert no Tigers after one pretty disappointing day of missing two elephant herds and seeing no wild cat much lesser tiger we stopped at a dried-up riverbed we are a fine tired the Sun is setting the peacocks are screaming the usual suddenly we hear a growl monkeys are going nuts the tell-tale sign of a tiger nearby the guide tells us to rush to our gates we obliged but just before boarding I see my dad smirking hard after an hour of waiting we see no Tigers and head home the next morning while everyone is freaking out over the growl dad pulls me aside and says that it was a burp a freaking burp so I can proudly say that once my dad burped so hard the jungle thought it was a tiger one time my dad waited till my three siblings and I had gone to bed on Christmas Eve then he shouted I don't care who you are fat man get that sled off my roof we were all up and telling dad not to yell Oh Santa this is the most adorable thing I have read on this thread my dad was a fireman and picked me up from school in a fire engine once when I was walking out to the car to leave for college my dad yelled hey from the front door I turn around he takes this huge box of Magnum sized condoms and throws them at me as hard as he can they hit me in the nose as he yells care package and then ran inside laughing that's very flattering dad but I don't have much use for them not sure if small pea nor virgin one day my dad answered the door in his underwear at 8 a.m. the salesman was obviously weirded out after he left my mom was mortified and asked why he did that my dad said if these people don't want a show they shouldn't come for the matinee I would do it just as a show of dominance either you will look at my poorly concealed junk or you will get the Frick off my porch and peddle your wares elsewhere one time we went to Universal Studios and my dad took me on the Hulk roller coaster even though he knew it would make him sick I was afraid of coasters at that point and he sacrificed himself because he knew I would never go on the ride without him when we got off his face was completely colorless and his stomach was done working correctly for the rest of the day but I loved the roller coaster I didn't see my dad March he lived 80 miles away and was getting his life together I tried to see him once a month for a weekend I would bring my homework and spend a few days with him I'm sitting at his computer while he's watching TV in the same room and he turns to me and asks if I want to see something he retrieves a cardboard box from his closet and sets it only lap and I open it staring at me in the faces of 15-inches John Jeffy purple dong I look up to him with a confused expression and he lasts out with a Cheshire grin I'm going to make a lamp out of it we laugh about it for the rest of the weekend making dumb jokes it was fun but soon I leave for home and I forget about the jokes and the dong I return a month later and opened the door to his apartment to see that all of the walls had a faint purple hue looking down I see this giant glowing purple dong suction cup to my dad's coffee table I dropped my bags slack-jawed as he steps up behind me and claps twice and the lamp turns off my dad made a dong lamp and then gave it the clap one time my elder brother and I were helping my dad cut down some trees in the backyard and the chainsaw kind off stuck and my dad yanked it out a little too hard and hit my brother's leg but we all frozen looked at his jeans which had four or so perfectly spaced holes but no blood he had managed to hit my brother's pants but didn't get him far enough to hit flesh the next words out of his mouth were pretty obvious don't tell your mother and we still haven't 20-plus years later one time just before I graduated high school my dad sat me down to have a serious conversation about socializing in college it turned into him telling me a bunch of crazy party stories and suggesting that the best way to make friends is to learn a blender with a 100-foot extension cord because his friends would go outside to play basketball or whatever and he'd bring his blender out with them and make margaritas we met so many girls because of that blender people like the guy with the blender my dad is super serious and straight-laced most of the time it totally caught me off guard one time I asked my dad to rent the notebook for me from the good old family video up the street he rented nacho libre because he could only remember it started with him he knew what he was doing one time my dad literally took candy from a baby a two-year-old held up a lollipop and my dad assumed the kid was giving it to him after taking it and walking away he realized the toddler probably just wanted to show it to him one time my dad took my brother's walkie-talkie and had us and about ten kids in the neighborhood convinced that we had picked up a signal from a plane that was crashing towards the Earth we were running up and down the streets for an hour with our eyes on the sky listening as the pilot tried to reach someone for help dad's windows were open so we eventually caught on to the heinous laughter echoing between the houses after every Mayday your dad is a dong a glorious dong funny is Fric one time my dad set my mom on fire this was about two years ago we were camping and were having trouble getting a fire started and my dad remembered that he had a container off flame accelerant in the trailer I think it was lighter fluid or something anyways he squirted some of it into the fire pit and we got up going a little bit later he decided it would be a really great idea to just use up the rest of the accelerant so he pours it on the fire nor the wood like before flames so the bottle obviously starts on fire as well and my dad freaks out and throws it on the ground and then tries to stomp on it to put it out which led to a stream of flames and fluid shooting out from the bottle and landing right on my mom's leg it only burned for about five seconds and I kept yelling stop drop and roll at her which she of course did not do and tried to hold my laughter in until my mother was no longer ablaze my dad isn't in charge of starting fires anymore and I doesn't allow the good fireworks with Indiana domes so every June my dad would drive across the border and pick up a trunk full one rather inebriated fourth of July he reaches in the back pulls out what appears to be an oversized confetti popper and aims it at the tree before pulling the trigger it was not a party popper it was his emergency flare it got stuck towards the top of the tree and turned the whole neighborhood Orange the cops in my hometown wouldn't really turn out for reports of the good fireworks unless someone lit a car on fire or something but they will definitely turn out in mass for an emergency flare dad went from drunk to drill sergeant in about two seconds somehow we managed to shove the entire stock of the good fireworks into the garage and used snow shovels to push the husks of the used ones into the parking lot across the street when the three police cars in the fire rescue truck showed up as kids were playing with sparklers and dad was standing with his hands on his hips scowling at the tree why yes officer some Punk's were across the street lighting off roman candles and huge fountains and they ran when one of their tricks got stuck in the tree he was just about to call when they ran off don't they know that roman candles are dangerous they called a hit one of the kids about five years ago my dad accidentally cut three of his fingers off in our garage with a saw my niece was only like five months old at a time so growing up she's never seen my dad with a lot his digits anyway when she was about two and a half she noticed that one of his hands was different too so one day she asked him grandpa P what happened to your fingers my dad looked down at his handle shocked and said someone stole them her face had the look of pure horror and she screamed who stole your fingers my dad looked at my mom and said grandma me stole them my niece ran up to my mom and started beating on her legs searching her jeans pockets to give back her grandpa peas fingers my dad man that's very cute one time my dad was sitting on the couch in our living room mom brought out a bag of sugar and asked him to open it he opened it like it was a bag of Doritos and I mean IT was everywhere he was only wearing his shorts so there was sugar in just about every square inch off his visible hair as well as all over our couch and carpet took him for showers in a row to get it all off and that where sugar daddies come from one time my dad made me drive three hours from home to visit a nature preserve he then began taking pics of the birds there just one problem the birds were plastic turns out the flocks had stopped migrating back to the preserves so they put up plastic birds for tourists the funniest part was how long it took him to listen to me telling him they were plastic they put him up to attract the birds not tourists one time when I was six I got my big toenail ripped off and my dad convinced me to put the toenail under my pillow for the toenail fairy and I got a dollar this is genuinely sweet your dad loves you or at least he used to he might not anymore I don't know when I was 17 my crush arrived to pick me up to go hang out he didn't come to the front door he just honked from the driveway sir my dad got all pissy that's not how you treat a lady honking is unacceptable and didn't let me go out he brought up that scenario repeatedly for years as a baseline for how my dates should treat me he hated that guy I got married a few years later and my husband died a few years into our relationship a few years after he died I was joking with my dad about the guy honking his horn and my dad looks at me and says wait that was the same guy yes dad that was the same guy he'd never realized that I'd married the honking guy I didn't know that he didn't know my kids love that story it's pretty hilarious ha that's a funny story except for your husband dying an incredibly sorry for your loss when the new Star Wars movies came out we were in elementary school my dad's company had booked the whole theater to see it on opening day so we got to leave school early to see it my dad dressed up as Darth Vader full costume with helmet and lightsaber and snuck into our classroom and came up behind us saying kid's name I am your father at the time I don't think it was possible to be more embarrassed but now I think that was pretty hilarious of my dad to do that me and few of my friends used to hold a poker night each week which my dad used to play - he got particularly drunk one night and was getting on his bicycle to go home it was icy outside and we spent around 15 minutes trying to persuade him to have a lift off one of my friends he refused 10 minutes later there's a knock at the front door and he's there with blood dripping down and covering half his face all he said was I fell over he then came in fell over again washed his face and went to sleep on couch one time my dad crap his jeans on the side of the road on the way to my volleyball tournament we were running late for the tournament so he threw the pants in the woods and had dress pants in the car he walked around the tournament all day in a red volleyball sweatshirt and pinstripe dress pants one time when I was younger and embarrassed about my body and potential dirty words my dad made a song about Dongs and coochies and sang at any opportunity he could just to embarrass me one time my dad was on a business trip and he ended up getting upgraded to first class he ended up talking with this guy seated near him for majority of the flight turned out that guy was usher one time my dad made a remote-control car and put me as a toddler on it and drove me around one time my dad was riding his bike on a three-foot tall brick wall slipped off hit his head on it and got knocked out behind it for an hour or so my grandma almost called the cops to file him missing he also tried to see how far he could pee into a urinal about ten feet before he got caught by a teacher walking into the bathroom he also dead his best friend to throw a full milk carton at a teacher his friend did it that teacher was also my grandma's best friend at the time him and my uncle were throwing snowballs at cars passing on the highway they hit an undercover detective they ran back to the house and his while my aunt didn't know they snuck back in and she had to talk to the detective he also stole my aunt's VW Beetle and took it for a midnight joyride they got it stuck an addiction had a farmer pull it out with a tractor she just found out last year nearly 40 years later he really likes car horns when we were kids he held down the horn on a country road until the horn gave out and was just squeaking trying to make noise he recently got a new aerating trailer for his lawnmower and he was so excited about it that he did three of our neighbors yards for fun he also got himself a Christmas present a few years back and yelled yes thank you when he opened it in that same Christmas my mom got him a new coffeemaker and he spent the entire night setting it up and making everyone coffee he bought a motorcycle as a midlife crisis thing he kept it a secret from my grandma after three years a 50 year old man hiding things from his mom my older brother fired an arrow almost straight up in the air it came back down right on the peak of our shed sticking straight up and dead center you could tell he was trying not to laugh while scolding us we were having a bonfire one night and one of my brother's friends put a mountain Dukan near the fire so it heated up slowly when it exploded it sounded like a mortar went off it sent embers 40 feet into the air and 25 feet around after gaining our sense we could see our dad silhouette sprinting inside the house because either we were getting shot at I've never seen him move that fast to clarify he was already in the house one time my dad saw me put a rubber band around the sink small water hose thing that I had specifically set up for him but instead of saying anything he left it there and watched for the next victim he laughed so hard when the older man we rented the basements to yelled out WTF and turned around with his shirt wet one time I was in another room and the phone rang I hear my dad answer the phone when a telemarketer called and they asked if he wants his ductwork cleaned he said yes I would love to have my ducts cleaned quack quack-quack-quack and then just hangs up on the guy one time my dad went to Costco to buy batteries he spent $500 he forgot the batteries one time my dad almost slit my throat because he thought I was a burglar I had snuck downstairs for some reason I was in the kitchen and heard him coming in so I hid behind the kitchen counter heard my dad opening drawers and things next thing I know he had leaned over the counter and grabbed my head had a kitchen knife to my throat a split second later he realized it was me and dropped me then I got yelled at because he have heard me breathing thought I was a home intruder and I almost got in a world of pain he was shaking from adrenaline as a dad now myself I can imagine the state of mind he was in my dad once put off going to the optometrist for three years when he finally went it turned out his right eye was in charge of looking at things far away and his left eye only looked at things close up sometime during those three years he became farsighted and his brain compensated one time my dad went to my school event in jeans a Dean shirt and a jean jacket when I was a child around eight or nine years old my parents and I were vacationing in Las Vegas staying at the MGM Grand downstairs in the hotel the shops and restaurants and I had to use a bathroom I went into the store did my business and then to my childlike horror I discovered the door was stuck the door was the type close to the floor and there wasn't room to crawl out I yelled for my dad who was using the urinal and he walks over grabs the door and literally Yanks it off its hinges like it was nothing sets the door against the wall and we just walk out I'll never forget it one time my dad set someone on fire he was standing with a group of people having a smoke this girl walked up and asked for a light my dad said sure she lenten as he lit the lighter in her hair went right into the flame causing her hair to catch fire apparently someone had a little too much hairspray she was fine and didn't suffer any serious injuries dad still tells people the story to this day one time my dad saw I was in a really low mood so he walked into my room grabbed my trash Hatsune Miku wig and my swim goggles put them both on and followed me around for a solid ten minutes completely nonchalant to make me laugh imagine if you will a large imposing black man wearing a teal pigtailed wig and goggles so old they're turning brown causally making himself a sandwich you've been visited by the good sleep capybara upvote within the next five seconds and you will be blessed with cozy and restful sleeps if you are new to the channel you can subscribe I publish new videos every day until then check another video or don't either way have a great day you magnificent people [Music]

Channel: Updoot Studios

Views: 19,364

Rating: 4.936204 out of 5

Keywords: #updootst, updoot, updoot reddit, updoot everything, reddit on tap, toadfilms, pewdiepie, reddit, askreddit, funny reddit, reddit stories, top posts, reddit top posts, reddit cringe, comedy, reddit compilation, /r, r/, r/askreddit, top posts of r/, askreddit reading, best reddit posts, top posts of all time, people of reddit, askreddit question, ask reddit, subreddit, sub, parents of reddit, parents, parenting, dad stories, parent stories, reddit parent stories, best of reddit

Id: WrwPAeMyQlc

Length: 18min 6sec (1086 seconds)

Published: Sat Nov 16 2019