What if you can't stop ruminating about your narcissistic relationship?

hi everyone it's dr romini welcome back to this youtube channel that takes on all issues related to narcissistic relationships i'm about to embark on a series on narcissistic abuse and specifically what are the patterns we see in someone who has experienced narcissistic abuse you can view these as patterns you can view these as symptoms but these are the things that people experience when they've been through a narcissistic relationship it's my hope to lay these out kind of tell you a little bit about how these might present depending on the kind of relationship you're in and then give you some tips for dealing with these now i'm going to tell you something right from the jump you're going to see that some of the tips i give are a little repetitive my girlfriend you just already told us five times to do this or that and there's a reason for that i also want these videos potentially to stand by themselves if they needed to so if you decide only to watch i don't know an episode on loneliness then at least you're getting those tips without having to go watch another video so that was my philosophy there just wanted you to understand that but by laying these out and there's going to be a couple dozen episodes here this is the stuff that comes out when we're working with people who are experiencing narcissistic abuse and how to handle it remember lots of therapists out there don't know how to formally recognize or work with this so i'd love for you to understand these patterns and some tools you need specifically to deal with this today we're going to take on the issue of rumination big one right rumination as it relates to narcissistic abuse before i get to that though if you are enjoying this content please come over to this amazing youtube community join us you can subscribe if you like the video watch it first before you decide give us that like and hit the bell for notifications and even before i start and go on as you watch this let us know let me know whether rumination has been a major part of your experience with narcissistic abuse and if you have any tips for how you dealt with it would you drop them in the comments because in that way the comments almost become like a living breathing document on top of the video and all of us are helping each other let's talk about rumination as it applies to narcissistic abuse now in this series like i said i will be laying out the patterns we see in people who are survivors of narcissistic abuse now today in this video i'm going to take on the issue of rumination now rumination is a sort of obsessive thought pattern that's very difficult to break out of it when you ruminate you keep thinking about something over and over and over again to the point where it might even be distracting you from other things you need to do in your life or think about in your life you may find that you can't concentrate or even that you're not able to do the other things that you need to do in your life in terms of your work your relationships your self-care or any other responsibilities you may have so let's talk about rumination within the context of narcissistic abuse it's one of the key patterns we see because narcissistic abuse people experiencing it the whole experience is so confusing and you feel confused human beings really do get stuck in these ruminative sort of thought loops just to make sense of it all now listen in your life when things make sense even when they're unpleasant it's sometimes easier to let them go if you get a nasty letter because you didn't pay a bill you may not be happy about it but you get it you didn't pay the bill but the inherent confusion of a narcissistic relationship means that you get caught in turning the same thought over and over and over again the most typical ruminations observed in narcissistic relationships include some of the following what could i have done differently maybe it was me maybe i'm the one who's responsible for this maybe i didn't explain myself clearly enough what if they change for the next person what if it's me and they're gonna change and be better for the next person and you know what i'd love to hear i again also drop in the comments i'd love to hear the kinds of ruminative thoughts and cycles you've gotten caught into after being in a narcissistic relationship or while being in a narcissistic relationship those are just meant to be some examples now rumination happens regularly when you are in a narcissistic relationship you may daydream about what you're going to say to the narcissist in your life the next time you see them or you may ruminate about what you wish you'd said in an argument you may daydream about what you're going to say to them or what's going to happen you might while you're driving a car while you work out while you take your shower you may journal it all you may write long emails and texts to your narcissist sharing your ruminations because you literally live in these ruminations all the time by and large people ruminate about problems that seem unfixable some theorists in the field of psychology and in related fields have argued that depressed people ruminate because they just can't see a way out of their depression and the rumination is something that they may think might bring them to a solution or they just can't break out of it and maybe the hope is it will bring a solution now rumination has been suggested by some to potentially maybe even help in depression but in narcissistic abuse it's just one more harmful pattern and because rumination pulls you out of your life you are basically always in your head you miss out on a lot of your life it's like getting punished twice not only are you uncomfortably ruminating about a sort of unfixable issue you are also distracted from the good things in your life you're distracted from being with your kids or your friends your hobbies meaningful activities because you're always in your head the rumination piece is a big issue in intimate relationships with narcissists either current partners or former partners some people report the rumination is equally awful whether it is a current relationship or a past relationship while you're in the relationship the rumination is often about how can i get this more right or how do i say this right or will they ever change or how can i be better when the relationship is on the rocks or the relationship is over especially if your partner has already moved into a new relationship or for example cheated in the relationship you might get caught in the rumination of what did that other person have that i didn't or are they going to change are they going to change for that new person much of the rumination also happens because your mind and your heart are in opposition listen you're watching this youtube channel so obviously you must think at least one of your relationships is with a narcissist you've read the books you've read the content you probably already understand that the narcissist isn't likely to change you know what gaslighting is you know all of it you're already like a mini scholar right but you ruminate because you feel sucked back in as though it is a vortex and you want to test it out one more time you play out the scenarios in your head like a bunch of hypothetical chess games you try to see ahead now here's the rub you could ruminate all you want those chess games will always end up in the same place checkmate you lose now many people ruminate about the love-momming phase of a relationship they ruminate about the gifts they got or the fun experiences or how intense it was or how connected it was and keep wishing that the relationship could be that way again i've worked with people who have been in narcissistic relationships for 30 40 50 years who still ruminate and reflect on maybe the first few months of the relationship and wonder if they could go back or about arguments they had 20 years ago or just ruminate when will they notice when will they notice when will they notice if it's your family of origin the rumination may be happening in two ways first you may still be ruminating about childhood about the invalidation and rejection and the neglect and all of it you may ruminate on how their narcissism your parents narcissism in your childhood still impacts you as well as your choices and your outcomes as an adult but if you still have a relationship with this parent you may also ruminate on current conversations you have with that parent their real time gaslighting that they still engage in with you and their ongoing invalidation you may also ruminate about the guilt that this relationship with your narcissistic parent still evokes for you and in the workplace rumination can also be paralyzing you may ruminate about the narcissistic boss who only promotes their yes man and their yes women you may ruminate about all of the triangulation and chaos and gossip in the workplace you may ruminate about how toxic colleagues are making it impossible for you to do your job you may ruminate about the unfairness of how things are done and decided and promotions given and bonuses given in your workplace workplace stress is actually very bad for your health and rumination about a whole host of these issues can be a contributor to the adverse effects of workplace stress and health problems you have as a result here's the thing rumination cannot fix the unfixable and by and large that is what narcissistic relationships are they're unfixable you can only figure out workarounds and boundaries and limits but rumination about what you hope this relationship could be or once was is doing nothing more than hurting you twice and pulling you out of a more meaningful future so what do you do about rumination in many ways we as therapists will approach rumination as we would many anxiety symptoms some of what i'm going to suggest is going to sound unsatisfying but it does actually work there is no magic wand here first of all distract and distract with things that are meaningful or pleasurable at first you may find that you are in the distracting the activity i don't know reading a book and still ruminating but even if the new activity just grabs your attention for a little while it's better than just sitting alone mentally churning and doing nothing that's engaging or interesting i want you to make a distraction list and turn to it when the rumination is happening a key piece of distraction is a change of scene that may be a walk a bike ride a drive a video call going to a different room of your house and ideally if you can go outside change of scene is a major reboot secondly i want you to practice mindfulness i want you to stay in the moment now this is torture for a person who's ruminating but just a five minute mindfulness if you have outdoor space great if you can just open a window or anything to get sensations from outside five minutes attend to the sights the sounds and the smells around you it's a bit of a mind clearing practice do it at least once a day third i want you to breathe deep slow inhale hold for a moment close your eyes slow exhale repeat this a few times deep breaths are like psychological purges fourth this is icky but i want you to make a list of all the bad things that happened or continue to happen in your relationship you might just think this isn't this just more rumination dr romini bear with me for a minute make the list because what because many times rumination can link to euphoric recall which is another episode in the series you want to break yourself of the cycle of remembering the good stuff and wanting to fix it i want you to think realistically about this relationship so whenever you ruminate please look at that list it can be a reboot and say oh god no no i gotta stop thinking about this fifth i want you to go out there and do the things your narcissist told you not to do it almost becomes like a momentary act of joyful defiance a sort of mini rebellion because when you do these so-called forbidden things you get reminded of how restrictive that narcissistic relationship can be is or was but it can set you free this could be silly things your narcissist doesn't like foreign films then have your own mini foreign film festival your narcissist doesn't like spicy food go out and order it really hot or cook it really hot for yourself your narcissist doesn't like your friends connect with those friends they don't like break out of their dysfunctional prisons and do it for you because it just sort of becomes again a reboot rumination is one of the toughest elements of narcissistic abuse it wastes time it's a hard habit to break it keeps you mentally in the narcissistic relationship you may have already left it pulls your mind out of things that matter to you and it definitely takes a toll on your mental health at a minimum i want you to know that you're not the only one and sometimes just knowing that can be a real solace people experiencing narcissistic abuse chronically suffer with rumination it is a very common issue but it's basically like trying to solve an unsolvable problem by thinking about it over and over again many times in life the bravest thing to do is step away and let go and that means of the rumination too again would love to hear your rumination stories it's a very very common pattern in narcissistic abuse and it can really really sap your strength and energy and fill you with anxiety i hope this video helps you understand rumination the role it may be playing in your healing and your experience of narcissistic abuse and some tips on how to handle it thanks again for tuning in as always if you like this please give me that like please subscribe if you're enjoying this are going to be many more videos in the series and hit that bell for those notifications bye

Channel: DoctorRamani

Views: 460,126

Rating: 4.9726739 out of 5

Keywords: yt:cc=on

Id: R3KyEGJpC-I

Length: 15min 18sec (918 seconds)

Published: Sun Jul 26 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/OrganicGas4568]

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[u/PacificCowherd]

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