[phone rings] - HELLO,<i> SKYMALL</i> MAGAZINE, THIS IS RIYAZ SPEAKING. - HELLO, RIYAZ.
I WOULD LIKE TO REPORT AN ITEM WHICH I ORDERED
THAT ARRIVED BROKEN. - WENDELL SANDERS,
MOCKINGBIRD LANE. - THAT'S RIGHT. - I AM SHOWING THE LAST ITEM
THAT YOU RECEIVED IS THE SUPERMAN BED
WITH THE MATTRESS OF SOLITUDE. - THAT'S THE ONE. ORDERED IT FOR MY SON
FOR HIS BIRTHDAY, BUT I CANNOT GIVE IT TO HIM
LIKE THIS. AND I'M PRETTY DARN-TOOTIN'
PISSED ABOUT IT. - I'M REALLY SORRY, SIR. I WILL START PROCESSING
YOUR REORDER RIGHT NOW WITH YOU ON THE LINE, OKAY? - I AIN'T MAD AT YOU, RIYAZ. IT'S JUST THE SYSTEM.
I KNOW. - OKAY. THANK YOU
FOR UNDERSTANDING, SIR. KIDS, EH? - HUH? OH, KI--WELL, YEAH,
I JUST GOT THE ONE MYSELF. HAD SEX WITH A WOMAN
AND EVERYTHING TO GET HIM. HOW LONG IS THIS GONNA-- - WHAT IS YOUR SON'S NAME? - OH, UM... STIMPY. PRETTY MUCH STIMPY. - I HAVE BOYS TOO. I'LL TELL YOU,
SOMETIMES THEY CAN BE A REAL COUPLE
OF YOU KNOW WHATS. - [bleep] ASS[bleep]? YOU'RE PREACHING
TO THE CHOIR, RIYAZ. STIMPY, DON'T YOU GIVE ME
THAT LOOK. YOU'RE GONNA GET IT
WHEN YOUR MAMA COMES HOME. - OH, MY,
SOUNDS LIKE YOUR WIFE IS... - BITCH ON WHEELS.
YOU GOT THAT STRAIGHT, RIYAZ. HOT LITTLE BISCUIT, THOUGH. NAME'S CLAIRE. BODY: TEN,
FACE: TEN. SO PRETTY MUCH HIT THAT
EVERY NIGHT. SEXUALLY. ANYWAY,
WHAT'S HOLDING UP THE-- - OH, ONE MOMENT. AND HOW OLD IS YOUR SON? - 15.
- 15? AND HE STILL WANTS
A SUPERMAN BED. AH, A LATE-BLOOMER. ENJOY IT
WHILE YOU STILL CAN. HE'LL GROW OUT OF THE TOYS
ANY DAY NOW. THEY ALL DO,
AND, THE SECOND HE STARTS HOOKING UP
WITH THE GIRLS, HE'LL FORGET ALL ABOUT THAT
SUPERMAN AND SPIDER-MAN STUFF. - PRETTY MUCH SEEMS
LIKE HOW IT WOULD HAPPEN. MAYBE THEN
HE'LL STOP BOTHERING ME WITH ALL THOSE STUPID, LITTLE
FACTS ABOUT HOW THOSE CHARACTERS YOU JUST NAMED ARE CLEARLY
FROM TWO DISTINCT AND SEPARATE UNIVERSES. - SADLY, SOME PEOPLE
NEVER MOVE ON. - SAD?
I GOT A BETTER WORD FOR YOU. PATHETIC. - WELL,
I WOULDN'T SAY PATHETIC. - HEY, I CALLS 'EM
LIKES I SEES 'EM, RIYAZ, AND I DON'ST TOLERATE NERDS. IN FACT, LET ME NIP THIS
IN THE BUD REAL QUICK. STIMPY, STIMPY,
GET BACK IN HERE. - WELL, I DIDN'T MEAN TO--
- THERE YOU ARE WITH YOUR ROUND BODY
AND YOUR CREEPY-ASS FACE. NO MORE SWEETS FOR YOU, 'CAUSE
YOU'RE NEVER GONNA GET LAID IF YOU KEEPS EATING SWEETS! AND ANOTHER THING! ALL THESE FIGURINES AND TOYS
YOU GOT AROUND THE HOUSE, WE'RE THROWING 'EM
IN THE TRASH, 'CAUSE THEY'RE NOT REAL PEOPLE,
STIMPY. THEY'RE NOT REAL PEOPLE,
SO STOP BEING SO LONELY. STOP BEING SO LONELY. - WELL--AND THIS IS NONE
OF MY BUSINESS, OF COURSE, BUT I WAS WONDERING IF YOUR SON
WOULD LIKE TO TALK TO SOMEONE. [glass shattering]
- OH, [bleep]! STIMPY JUST JUMPED
OUT THE WINDOW. - OH, MY GOD.
- OH, HE KILLED HIMSELF. WHY'D HE DO IT?
IT MUST HAVE BEEN MY FAULT. NO, IT WASN'T.
YES, IT WAS. I'M GONNA CALL THE COPS. DON'T YOU DARE CANCEL
THAT REORDER. IT'S THE ONLY THING
I'LL HAVE TO REMEMBER HIM BY. [strains,
then sighs]
