Venom - The Worst Superhero Movies Ever Made

this video is sponsored by nordvpn welcome back everybody to the worst superhero movies ever made a series where i learn how to love again today we're finally taking a break from modern dc movies and going back to our roots with some pure marvel schlock that's right we're talking about venom uh again i did a quickie for this when it came out but that was forever ago and i don't remember what i even said about this movie back then plus there's a sequel coming out so that's a perfect excuse to finally give this movie a deep dive but before we find out if venom is the worst superhero movie ever made you guys know that these videos get blocked and censored like crazy so to be safe we are gonna have a quick word from our sponsor today's video is sponsored by our good pals nordvpn now cyber security is no joke and being someone who edits most of his videos on the go i found that using public wi-fi is a pretty good way to expose yourself to sneaky stinky hackers and i've used a lot of vpns in the past but nord is the only one that i've stuck with because it is by far the best vpn provider that i've ever used it's super user friendly you just click whatever region you're in and bam you're protected behind a wall of next generation security in the past me and a few of my friends have had our browsing data accessed against our will and it ain't fun trust me but now i use nordvpn and i don't really have to worry about that stuff at all plus that's just one of the many features that nord offers lately i've started using nord on multiple devices and with nord you can protect six devices all at once and of course i could never forget that with a vpn you can also access region locked content lately i've been watching way more tv shows in my leisure time and nothing annoys me more than trying to watch something only to see that it is not streaming in my country but with nordvpn i am the master of the streaming service so today nordvpn is offering you guys a two-year plan at a huge discount just go to nordvpn.com cosmonaut to get a two-year plan plus an additional four months for free and if that's not enough this deal is risk-free because nord has a 30-day money-back guarantee again that is nordvpn.com cosmonaut and of course i would like to thank nordvpn for sponsoring this video so venom came out a few years ago and i think this movie is an absolute delight it is truly hilarious the plot is goofy the characters are all morons and overall it is just so dumb and this brings up the issue of the intent of this movie is this movie trying to be funny and obviously to some degree it is but this movie is also taking itself very seriously at times and i'd say that the funniest moments in this movie are not the moments when the movie's actually trying to make me laugh if anything the humor in this movie is so awkward and forced that it's funny for different reasons not today oh that's [ __ ] in this movie we have eddie brock played by tom hardy and i think that tom hardy is a pretty good actor but you wouldn't be able to tell based on this movie i mean he's not terrible but he's doing this weird thing where he's trying really hard to seem more like a normal american guy and it's just funny to know that in real life this man sounds like this and then this this huge looming figure turned up on section i mean was it was about ten foot tall and about eight foot wide with huge pointy ears but in this movie he sounds like this hey damn with this parasite we'd like be able to make me i don't know like climb a really really really tall tree but super super fast he's like squeaking his voice and acting like a weirdo as if that's gonna make him come across as less of a meat head and buddy i'm sorry you ain't fooling anybody so in this movie eddie brock is facing off against reza med who's also a pretty good actor and he's clearly having a lot of fun playing an evil businessman he's playing what i can only call this movie's version of elon musk and his inventions keep breaking just like the real life elon musk sure yeah but at the beginning of this movie eddie brock's life is actually pretty sweet he is a super famous himbo news reporter with a nice apartment in california and a cute girlfriend that he's going to get married to and then he decides to absolutely [ __ ] himself in the shortest amount of time this dude has the speed run world record for ruining your own life basically his boss tells him hey you're a great reporter eddie so i need you to go and interview this guy he's a space pioneer and he literally cured cancer so you gotta go and give this guy a normal interview and eddie is like i don't know i think this guy's bad news so before going into the interview he steals confidential government documents from his girlfriend's computer without her consent and then proceeds to ask elon musk about the people he's allegedly killing in his science experiments now eddie how did you think this was gonna go he wasn't going to admit to that [ __ ] on tv in his own office building i really want to know what eddie brock thought the ideal outcome of this situation would be was he gonna say oh yes that was me i'm sorry i will no longer do any evil so as expected eddie's boss is like what the [ __ ] i told you to just do a normal interview and eddie's like but sir this man is evil this guy he is all the way back jack if you just give us your source excuse me so obviously eddie gets fired and then immediately after that his girlfriend also gets fired because the data on her computer got leaked by eddie so she dumps him this man is the king of [ __ ] up and somehow after all of this he still manages to [ __ ] up his life even more what an absolute god and meanwhile we have the main plot of the movie so before all this happened elon musk retrieved some spooky sticky aliens from outer space and he's experimenting on them in secret but while he's doing evil stuff the whole world thinks he's a super nice guy who literally cured cancer i mean to be honest if you cure cancer i think you can get away with anything for the rest of your life oh and this is one of my favorite moments in this movie he's hosting this field trip and one of these kids has a question and her classmates are like you [ __ ] idiot why are you asking questions on a field trip stop [ __ ] embarrassing us tina mr drake it's okay don't silence her come here what's your name hallie they try and silence those of us who ask questions but you know what in the end we're the ones who change the world and after all that [ __ ] she still never gets to ask her question so six months pass and eddie's life has just gotten worse and they really hammer home that his life is [ __ ] he talks about how sad he is all his current friends are homeless people he needs self-help videos and meditation his new neighbor is really rude he can't get a job he's being cucked by this guy and worst of all he can't even get his plant to grow do we really need a visual metaphor here i think the point has been made also he definitely still lives in a three to four thousand dollar apartment in san francisco so i don't know i think you're doing fine pal and the thing is that eddie's life does not get better in this movie he does not get any happier and he doesn't grow as a character at the end of this movie he just saves the world and then goes back to his shitty expensive apartment with an abusive alien parasite permanently fused to him and when i first saw this movie i thought they'd play with the idea that eddie's life sucks and that his negative emotions are building up and that those emotions will eventually fuel venom because that's how the symbiote works but no that aspect of the character is never used here they just say funny things to one another that's it i think it's kind of a missed opportunity so anyway jenny slate plays a scientist lady who works for elon musk and after years of watching him experiment on innocent non-consenting people she watched him kill his thousandth homeless person and then she decides i want to quit and never come here again okay bye so she goes to find eddie brock because i don't really know why she decides to go to eddie brock out of everybody she could go to to get help in exposing elon musk she goes to the one guy who doesn't even work for a news outlet anymore again what is the ideal outcome here what the [ __ ] can this man do for you he doesn't even own a camera he's using his iphone so eddie and mona lisa go undercover and sneak into the life foundation and in typical spider-man story fashion he starts wandering around on his own for absolutely no reason and this man is such a bumbling buffoon he finds his homeless lady friend that got kidnapped earlier and she's like help me eddie he just starts [ __ ] pressing every button on the keypad and it just looks so funny it's like he's drunk in the entire movie we're following a weird drunk idiot talking about aliens like aliens yes so anyway the movie becomes a shitty horror movie for a few minutes so that eddie can get infected with the venom and again it is just so funny seeing this goober bumble his way around and it should be noted that eddie does not start questioning how he could run on a wall break through a door and run a hole through a metal fence he actually just forgets all about that you stupid but it's okay because elon also has no idea who broke in and stole his symbiote yes that's right the life foundation literally cured cancer but they don't have security cameras to monitor their alien specimens you stupid also while we cut between eddie and elon we get this side story about an extra symbiote that's been traveling from malaysia to america but we did have a six month time skip that's like half a year and he's only just now getting on the plane what were you doing what took you so long meanwhile eddie notices some weird [ __ ] going on with his body so dan the doctor guy who's [ __ ] eddie's girlfriend decides to be a nice guy and try to find out what's wrong and i gotta say that this really is the nicest guy in the movie but even though he's a pretty nice guy nobody in this movie is allowed to be good at their job so he's obviously a god awful doctor as we know symbiotes react badly to certain sound waves so eddie reacts like this when he gets an mri and the great doctor dan is just like whoa buddy it's okay if you're scared of x-rays dude something is clearly wrong everybody in this movie is incompetent meanwhile jenny slate sells out eddie so elon musk decides to kill her then he sends goons to eddie's house but that's okay because venom can sense the danger do not open that door except i have to say this line is pretty silly hey eddie who the hell is this guy like i don't know you're the one who sensed his presence why would you ask that but anyway i should mention that while tom hardy's emotional and verbal performance is goofy as hell his physical performance is actually pretty good so we get this upgrade style fight scene and i gotta say i do like the trope of a character accidentally and apologetically beating people up even in bad movies it makes for a pretty fun scene but after that at the halfway point of the movie we finally get to see our titular character the venom and it's actually really underwhelming there's not even like a musical cue it's just there he is that's venom oh and then a [ __ ] explosive drone attacks them and here right here this is the point where the movie goes into maximum overdrive before this things were relatively well grounded it's basically a typical sci-fi movie with like a little hint of horror but the second you hear this watch the drones it dives straight into comic book absurdity logistically it doesn't even make any sense why does this guy who works in space exploration and cancer treatment have a mercenary army and a fleet of explosive attack drones this is what a video game villain would have at his disposal not marvel elon musk oh and this is unrelated but did you guys know that marvel already has elon musk he's in iron man 2. mr musk how are you congratulations on the promotion thank you very much you've always thought that's kind of weird anyway back to the movie unleash the drones now we have a [ __ ] motorcycle chase scene whoa i love these this is how you make the audience forget how dumb everything is wait isn't venom weak to fire because he seems fine here and now the villain is blowing up civilians and causing mass destruction why would he do this how can he cover this up sorry don't think about it i'm ghost riding the whip crazy taxi so after all of that eddie is out for the count and even the camera's not focused that's how hard he got hit oh wait there we go autofocus kicked in and it's okay eddie's fine because venom is here in his full glory honestly i think this should have been the first time that we see venom after seeing that lackluster shot of him earlier this is just not as impactful imagine if this was the first time we saw him that would be pretty [ __ ] cool he like immediately starts murdering people but we also can't really appreciate that because this movie is trying very very hard to stay pg-13 and that's one of the biggest flaws of this movie the fact that it's pg-13 i have no idea why they would do this but we'll talk more about that later so eddie and venom swim away and venom explains that he wants eddie to take him to elon musk's rocket ship now we don't know why venom wants to get into a rocket ship and spoiler alert venom doesn't really know either because in just a few scenes he's just gonna change his mind meanwhile elon finds his last symbiote dead on the [ __ ] floor and it's only because nobody was watching it i'm serious these guys don't have security cameras and on top of that nobody working here is watching the alien life forms even the side characters are bad at their jobs also this side plot about the extra symbiote [ __ ] trekking across the world to get to elon musk is really stupid because we have to keep cutting back to this extra more eviler symbiote for our hero to fight but most of our time is spent watching this unnamed symbiote kill everybody that we've met so far it kills all these people in these super scary sinister scenes and then it dies because it got left outside the fish tank too long why not just get rid of this weird and logistically flawed subplot about an extra symbiote trekking across the country to find a rocket ship and just make this symbiote the bad guy because by the time riot makes it to america and gets to elon musk and joins the story we don't even care about him because the movie's almost over by that point this is yet another superhero movie where the main villain doesn't get any development because they aren't really in the movie and nobody talks about them this is the only bit of information that we learn about the main antagonist he has got [ __ ] you will never see i'm gonna be honest that really doesn't help me at all so eddie and venom go to eddie's old job and venom climbs to the top of the building and laments on how beautiful earth is it is peaceful up here your world is not so ugly after all yes i should say that at this point venom's motivations are kind of all over the place and this leaves his character development feeling pretty rushed and kind of sloppy there are a million and one stories about aliens learning to appreciate earth and this is the laziest attempt i've ever seen oh eddie san francisco is so beautiful oh and also this is something i've only discovered by watching modern action-adventure blockbusters alone at home for my youtube videos but i think it's really weird how superhero movies have these comedic moments with long pauses where they expect the theater to laugh but when you're watching them at home alone it's like watching a sitcom without the laugh track and it's super awkward jump [ __ ] so next we have our first big fight scene with venom and this gets into another big issue with this movie the action scenes with venom are absolutely terrible because you can't [ __ ] see what's happening the lights are off to hide the average quality cgi and like i said before this movie is trying not to be too violent but this is [ __ ] venom he literally eats people he looks like this and this is a pretty grim movie everything is pretty dark but we can't have a speck of blood no no it's pretty distracting how the movie deliberately censors itself to stay pg-13 and you get these weird bloodless head bites and it just kind of pulls you out of the movie eddie even tells venom not to kill any of the cops yes even this guy survives the same beatdown patrick starr gets after all this [ __ ] happens to him he's still conscious enough to scream when he's thrown it's so dumb and it's so goofy and boy am i having fun oh and here's another thing that i'm gonna point out and this is one of my marquee movie pet peeves i really just hate when a character in a movie sees something insane and out of this world literally and they have a super unrealistically subdued reaction if i a normal human living on planet earth in the 21st century saw this i would probably go crazy i would lose my [ __ ] mind i would probably vomit out of fear i just think movie characters don't freak out appropriately when they see scary stuff and that's just me when characters in movies see something scary they just have like a silent little gasp or they do that cliche where they scream and then the strange creature screams and they just scream back and forth and nobody laughs but movies keep doing it anyway [Music] [Music] i feel like we got off topic anyway eddie's ex takes things pretty well considering that she just saw him turn into a seven foot tall slime ghoul she takes it so well in fact that she offers to drive him to the hospital everybody in this movie is just so nice and yet so [ __ ] stupid at the hospital dan and the lady forcibly extract venom by using the mri and again nobody pays attention to the alien life forms so once they look away right after locking venom in a room he just escapes again if this was me i would not be able to take my [ __ ] eyes off of this thing i'm not talking about you and eddie no no i'm talking about that they also just let eddie walk away from the hospital even though a he just had alien silly putty pulled out of his body and b he's presumably wanted by the police and then the bad guys obviously capture him and once they drag him back to their evil base we get the reveal that elon musk has now been infected with a symbiote he has one up his ass so eddie gets walked outside so the bad guys can execute him which is just absurd because the bad guys have had no problem with killing people inside the lab but just this once we gotta drag eddie outside so we can shoot him sure whatever but it's okay because venom takes over his ex's body and creates a fetish that i didn't even know i had sir grab me that specimen so venom and eddie leave her in the middle of the force and decide to walk back to the secret evil lair because i mean the guy doesn't even have security cameras so you might as well and on the way there venom finally explains his motivations in this movie his original plan was to take elon's rocket ship and fly back to his planet grab his buddies and come back to earth and eat everybody but his new plan is to stay on earth and just be the only symbiote on earth it is different now eddie i have decided to stay wow on my planet i am kind of a loser venom just doesn't want to go home because he's afraid of being bullied by his friends that is literally his entire storyline in this movie cut the [ __ ] what really made you change your mind i honestly just have to watch this movie as a comedy because this movie is so tonally inconsistent that it's honestly impressive the script is either taking itself way too seriously or it's accidentally being let you hilarious this world this is the same dialogue that an eight-year-old would give to their action figures and what follows is what i would easily call the worst looking superhero fight i've seen in a long time it's just so hard to tell what's going on because the main villain of the movie is a guy who looks exactly like the main character so i don't even know who's winning what the [ __ ] am i looking at for a second the two characters fight without their symbiotes but it's also really funny because it's just like a wimpy little tech nerd duking it out with a huge bumbling drunk british man i'm gonna get my april out and do burnouts on your front lawn and then i'm gonna choke one bombs at yon's windows you silly bastard but in the end our heroic goo monster beats the bad goo monster and the day is saved so now eddie's shitty awful life can resume he doesn't even get his girlfriend back life is probably worse than it was before hey i'm sorry about venom that's what i said when i took my friends to see this movie and i gotta say that the end of this movie is an avalanche of hilarious [ __ ] venom says something about turning a man into a turd rolling down the street like a turd in the wind then the credits hit and we get a song about venom by eminem [Music] and then we get a post-credit scene where woody harrelson is teased as carnage for the next movie and he's wearing a [ __ ] ronald mcdonald wig there's gonna be carnage this movie is comedy gold honestly this is the best kind of bad superhero movie i've been watching way too many movies that are actually garbage movies that make me want to die but this makes me feel alive pure delicious trash but is it one of the worst superhero movies ever made i don't think so it's not that bad the script is stupid as [ __ ] but at least it kind of makes sense every character in this movie conveniently fails at their job just so the plot can happen and that's not a very good way to structure a plot but i've seen worse it's kind of a hard comparison to make because i've been watching some movies where [ __ ] just does not make sense and compared to those this does not offend me nearly as much because this movie does kind of understand how dumb it is and it looks like the sequel is taking that and kind of playing with it some more and i gotta say that as dumb as the character is it's pretty fun to watch tom hardy as eddie brock slash venom and the best compliment i can give this movie is that it feels like a superhero movie from the early 2000s it's corny it's totally confused but it's fun to laugh at with friends so with my super official cosmonaut worst superhero movie ranking tier list that we've always totally had in every video i think i'm going to give venom a 5 out of 10 and throw it in the delicious garbage tier thank you [Music] hey it's stan lee

Channel: The Cosmonaut Variety Hour

Views: 2,413,398

Keywords:

Id: 7ETdnmPVCFE

Length: 25min 20sec (1520 seconds)

Published: Wed Sep 29 2021