Valentine's Day Special: Bobby Lee & Khalyla | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #174

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I almost like a credit card itself but it has special metal that blocks alien if aliens are trying to steal your identity or somebody else that's closer the ridge wallet it's at front pocket carry keep your cards close visit Ridge wallet comm slash Theo that's RI d GE Wal l dot comm slash Theo for 10% off or use code Theo at checkout for 10% off that's Ridge wallet comm slash Theo get that hitter love is in the air who is that it's someone in love who is that someone today's episode is as a pair of beautiful people a young man that has been kinder to me maybe then any other comedian in my career maybe in some ways I'm grateful to know him I'm grateful to have him I'm also grateful to have his beautiful lovely co-host and and girlfriend it is the slep king and the awake queen it is Bobbie Lee and kalila from tiger belly [Music] but I didn't care about you I would never be racist here yeah we see y'all y'all gooks and then what say y'all Ching chongs whoa no sorry I don't want to start I don't want to start you know what dude III we were late I felt frustrated about it it's raining I'm in a bad mood or you know really gaps nappy I'm very irritable and so I want to reset my um Chi in core your core de you definitely gotta work you seem like a nice lady I am thank you okay mood are you really yeah yeah well I want to say this to you guys happy Valentine's I do have you started yet huh you oh you're starting oh my bad start over because I'm and then I'm gonna put my own podcast smile on okay look Jesus let's hope it was something different than that just yeah I had dinner at Craigs last night guys reckless huh what no Craig's the restaurant I thought was a guy was some guy named Craig or no Craig okay and also I got this hat from somebody named David Spade so hmm did you did he really give you that hey man that's pretty cool so good dude yeah he's a nice man is he a munchkin Oh little how big he is yeah he's like proportionally a dwarf well if you see a smaller person do you feel like you guys like you know stuff that they know like is there any sort of like well no no because when I see it depends on what race they are is it looking like Paquito symmetry that goes on whenever see small people no but what I am no but if I see like a white dude that's like my height I get really sad for them oh I see yeah because you know genetically they should be daliyah style yeah right but then if I see an Asian my height I'm like just like normal [ __ ] do ya do you know if somebody's Asian or not like is it the same I got this guy you have no idea yeah you know I'll tell you how we know we have [ __ ] eyes yeah I know my my Korean best friend she can tell the different the different gates between a Japanese Korean how they walk and you know like the Korean men older man they walk with their hands behind their back but that yeah their spinal so I can always tell site money instead of buying a back brace a lot of them just like well just put this right here yeah yeah even like the Keanu Reeves Asians they're like 10% 15% the capacitive is off is why I can tell and usually I can go yeah you're [ __ ] twenty twelve percent mom oh really yeah yeah now you know exactly how do you know and they get all excited you know who sneak is the laotians why this sneaky well cuz you don't know who they are you like are they Filipino or they Ryan what are they doing it yeah yeah bullying are they faking it yeah yeah yeah and then they're actually Laotian and then when they sweat you can smell like pineapple oh my god it smells like the [ __ ] lobby at a UH at a Ramada Inn in Kauai you know beautiful scent yeah so love is in the air you guys have been lovers for how long this is six six years of lovin Wow and when was the first time that you guys if it's okay to talk about a woman for something you guys had sexual intercourse probably well I know that's not sure a month into our money to go a month but he had to drive to Long Beach bro every day did you really yeah I what she didn't even come to my place for a month did he or did he drive I drove too [ __ ] long beach everyday I'm asking the woman he drove down there he did and and what would he do it again filth either he didn't try to he didn't try he didn't clean his car he had piles of like bottles and just dirty underwear everything dad well it's so great I was like okay well I that this is his baseline and he's not trying to front like he's anybody else oh that's pretty cool yeah so there was no bait-and-switch huh did he yeah there are a few but more of a more of a maybe an effort thing not really a cleanliness thing from the get-go I knew he was a he was a pig I didn't hide you know hygiene wise who's a hygiene risk they call yeah yeah for sure hepatitis risk Oh yeah yeah definitely Wow are you asleep or awake I had to get my booster shot did you really yeah oh definitely yeah he seemed like that guy who's definitely got that fever in him you know he's got the potential for uh he's got the potential for fever whatever fever oh if you look I couldn't even imagine seeing one of his blood cells under a microscope who would even know it's probably just sitting there [ __ ] vaping you know so you guys the full 1 month and you guys got into sex now how did that kind of start because I'm or where was the first date less cuz I'm I just want to learn about love it's Valentine's I want to learn about gel to love we can talk about love did I feel like I'm on a yellow mirror have you seen that show bro bro bro yellow mirror it was very good and I wouldn't give you I wouldn't give you more of a laugh if I wasn't so enraged right now let me see something right now okay that was [ __ ] funny as [ __ ] thank you all right but listen to me okay yeah don't talk to me that way okay because I'm here as well yes we [ __ ] a month in okay and it was not we I go let me just stick the tip and did he say that really no she sprinted let me just to like hit training oh yeah circuit training oh yeah we did a little we had stations you guys went to an actual place you just made it up in a row in my apartment in my apartment living room yeah we had stations that's where you do the air guitar right yeah that's where you know we do this and over here you know you can put just the tip in right oh wow I get in and I still gonna stick it out you know I stuck it in stuck it out yeah but she wouldn't let me stick to keep it in there oh wow I like that yeah yeah let's I did like five or six of those very nice well literally that's all we did oh wow the first time so it wasn't real it was sex you know on paper it was sex but it was you wanna see if it fit you know like a meeting oh you're gonna get a gap trying on you know yeah was a disaster why because I didn't realize our height differential at that time yeah and he was trying to you know we were trying to do it doggystyle oh yeah and it turns out his thighs are actually really short oh yeah so um he tried I was like a yam he's building a yam so he would have had to done a half stand in order to get there and his thighs apparently were burning so he was like I gotta go home I gotta go home so he just left and he just rushed home he didn't even explain burning thighs that's very so the next a third time we did it prison style which is straight flat because that's all the only cell I can do burden burning thighs hidden dragon that's I can't do I've never done doggy the normal way oh wow because I'm so shut like short my legs is love so I just got lay on your stomach right and then sometimes I have to like squeeze their legs together like that oh yeah yeah so I can you know tighten the situation yeah yeah yeah do you now was it do you remember being it kind of sensual and you guys been drinking or is it no we don't drink I don't drink I don't know I don't know that's true oh god yeah do you but now had you been drinking it you had maybe some tea or something or like this she has to be drugged out to [ __ ] me or what is that we're going into the state a drunken state forbid or calm or something [ __ ] she's gonna let some guy drive down Long Beach it not [ __ ] dirty car I wouldn't be surprised if she has a [ __ ] you know a couple of [ __ ] Mick ultras bra for the [ __ ] but I also kind of just say this though Accio is is that let's be clear about this is that she's kind of she's aware of Who I am as well right okay there yeah that you have that now she's not a huge fan but you know it's not like I've done more than YouTube right Ryan very true baby I can get above YouTube you know right it's not like you have to [ __ ] who is that that girl Gail um did the arm with the puppet you I'm talking about puppet Gail is that uh uh no what was her name she had a TV show went on e eventually yeah KITT um you know I'm talking about one on a he entertainment or vh1 or something she out Grenda Grenda no it was on the III I honestly don't even know what the [ __ ] you're talking about YouTube what was the lady's name blond-haired Gayle bent um Gilda Gayle Bennett Hilda night time with um and she played with puppets griten uh maybe not puppets makeup or something tutorials she did all of it let me sit down you know what all this is just let it go no Jana he'll come up with it I know you're talking about it she's great Dean Christine Yeah right no sir she does her own deity do yourself show on Netflix or she makes cakes and then she talks to puppets not like that though okay that's cool yeah no this was Gail I think or Grenda or gig or uh Hilda Helga mmm Herta blondie anyway can I just see something yeah you guys got it I love about you right now dude is that you have some new clothing because I've been analyzing your clothing for the last year really yeah and you look like you have some new [ __ ] on those pants I've never seen you wear I think what are those other sweats get somebody mailed these into US and what Brian because I want to get a pair of those I like is how they thin out in the bottom like that are they Nike or what no no yeah yeah um makes these okay we could just do it after well maybe while they're still looking for this lady blond-haired girl no Garrett uh um Hale big grace Helbig oh yeah endeavor endeavor it's called endeavor they do I just get some pans like that you look nice all yeah we intoxicant goes along with the Thank You Man um so do you guys had sex and after that then what happened because then you would was there love in the air already was there a pretty strong love or will you guys still kind of figuring it out do you think I'm just curious about love and like okay I'm gonna I'm gonna be completely honest with you know somebody's getting Molly honest with you right now okay is is that I met her under yeah right and I was smashing smashing Greg Wow Masen grabs oh wow on our first date he was showing me other tinder dates yeah yeah Wow it was like that show supermarket sweep yeah yeah yeah and you smash smash and then all of a sudden I found kalila right I Drive to Long Beach the first time I see Matt meet her at a coffee shop in my head I'm like [ __ ] this could be a project Wow no not another project but you know that it's gonna be I'm gonna know her for the rest of my life oh wow that's pretty say you knew there was something different about her there was something different about her you know I liked her forehead I liked see that yeah yeah I liked her the way she walked and moved but here's the thing about her and she's a swimmer she's hot right but what I here's the thing that made me love her is because you know how like mythological I am oh yeah pigeon toe that's part native of that's a Native American oh my body is like you know unclear of what it is oh yeah do you know like my body can't decide it's like an amoeba I second of all right oh yeah you're a [ __ ] like a grizzly Rubik's Cube yeah right and I have I look at myself in the mirror yeah and I don't go a like Fonzie right I just got you know man but like and so when I was at that coffee shop with her the first day you was a long couch we're seeing on mm-hmm and she was really close to me and she just locked eyes with me and she was literally interested in about everything that was saying I would scare me yeah and she was a hot too so I was like oh this is what the [ __ ] you know I was hard yeah yeah yeah I might my dick got hard it's hard now you can tell through the genes you can't tell yeah I can I can imagine telling it all but I think that's cool I like tell if I'm hard I tell people in the room now cuz I don't want to cry my mana I'm not doing Rio right you'll be able to tell with those pants you oh yeah I'm not your junk is dead pretty clear too I got that [ __ ] sleeping bird look you know yeah that's how my dick rolls down so when I met her that's what happened and then um and then here we are six years later Wow and what do you guys do to keep it fresh these days I mean I know you guys have like so how it's we were having a little thing yeah I I would imagine you there were 50 other better couples to bring on a Valentine's Day episode that you know oh I don't know anybody that's even in a [ __ ] relationship except you guys really you know yeah I mean I'm 80 days off pornography that's the one of the longest relations you eighty days I can't that's what I need to do not even photographs or pictures or anything so like if he grazed his finger on your dick right now you could come oh I wouldn't come they don't even get a heart bro I'm probably right I'm really good at that though yes I'm one of grazing fingers I'm [ __ ] that I have a black belt on they call them grazing Bobby yeah yeah I make noise I go yeah I do that whole thing do we try no dude all right I do think almost allowed themselves in front of other people who I do think people should be allowed to touch themselves in front of other people as long as other people in the room know that they're doing that yeah with the clothes on Yeah right you can't just pull it out and touch yourself yeah and I still think you should be illegal yeah just show your dick and to touch yourself in public yeah yeah Louie CK model kind of you know yeah that was crazy have you ever had a man do something like that where he just pulled out his junk and it started all right I'm a woman right and is it cool is a scary what was the vibe when you were involved in the first time that happened to me in America it never happened to me I was living in the Philippines surprisingly Wow but when I came here I was on a 180 mile you know I was on a 181 bus from from Pasadena City College to Altadena and it was 98 I was with my swim bag and some guy just and the whole bus was empty and some guy came into the bus sat right next to me pulled out his huge big and just started stroking it like she was kind of testing a like a [ __ ] lava lamp to see if it was like expensive you know in another time there was this guy who seemed like he was in a he seems like one of those like ministers I can really just tired they come hard and he had his dick on the bus again and he had he had his dick in between like his Bible like or a book I'm not sure he was a Bible it looked like a Bible yeah he was just ever so delicately jerking himself off with a book Wow dude it's like using his Psalms you know that's pretty cool now tell you this now that happened the first time I ever even masturbated really I go to the public library and they had these you know they would have these art books books of art and they would have pictures people are painted rubenesque women lying and the by the river lying in the woods remember that they have a wolf in the distance kind of like an apple you know this is like peter paul rubens and stuff like that if you look that guy up can we see some of his art Nick and and I would get the pictures bro it would make me so hard because you could see brass they painted him you know nice breasts and so I would literally I remember call oh I would be so hard Brock could barely there wasn't there was barely enough blood like keep my eyes open and stuff see find the breast one find some with a tit in it no yeah buh-buh-buh-buh I used to masturbate to Joel Peter Witkin oh wow chameleon look him up Joel Peter Witkin some really great or like Joel Peter Witkin oh yeah that's my right there did all day every day look at that [ __ ] right that definitely put a beak on that chair dude that's my thing right there that's not my ass yeah dude that's my thing right there who is this what is that Andy did oh you know the fourth time we had sex we did it to my 600 pound life oh yeah we watching my signal oh yeah yeah oh I come to A&E bruh yeah yeah here's the thing though dude TLC I love it ya know Busta - you know what I used to do back in the day is like if like I would meet a girl on a comedy club riot and you know you're on the road and then you're you you're in the hotel room and some older comic told me to do this I don't know if it's illegal but will you make it and then you you know you think it's gonna go further and they're like yeah I just don't know you and then I would ask can I jerk off yes you can do that right that's illegal yes and if she says no yeah then what if she says I don't know you then you have to clarify you got to make up your mind and you have to wait until she gives you a firm answer oh really it can take release if she says I don't know or I'm 50/50 on it you can't take a risk you can it's like let's make a deal yeah risky yeah like I'm on the fence about it and in my head I was like I would just go go I'd go for it yeah and that you jerk off like this and then if they said you can can you like jizz on them or no I would only do that if I knew I had a decent amount of jizz I mean if I've been masturbating that week or something I'm not doing something like that it's not a big juicer he's like a little baby tiny dollop oh yeah like a couple of guy like a truck rolled over in a couple guys it's not water and I just and also I masturbate so much it just comes out like Visine drops it actually just doesn't even shoot out it just cries now it cries it out yeah yeah oh I think there's a little weep like a little like you just like you like you played ski bottles but just won two tickets yeah like that yeah yeah now have you ever um have you ever done like a threesome with two dudes at one girl no way you've never done that watching some guy [ __ ] dude I've done that so many times with other comedians have you really drive down the Commerce Casino you and the boys yeah yeah yeah and you should tell a story about how that guy how you gave some guy conjunctivitis oh yeah so I was at the comedy store one day and I was doing my first headlining King and lost LasVegas hmm and the guy that ran the room was steve Schirripa you know that guy is like he is he was in The Sopranos but back in the day used to run Riviera right mm-hmm and Dice Clay used to call me ching mm-hmm he didn't even know my real name right so everyone else started calling me ching that's the guy oh there he is he died you know he's alive but stripper called me and he goes hey Ching you headline mm-hmm hey company miss Bobby whatever Ching you know they used to call me that oh yeah they used to call that a sock right if we saw one we call him that Yeah right I mean not if you're standing there but if you're driving by right huh so there was these two open my Coors Brian Keith Etheridge and Aron Kader uh-huh oh I know Aaron you know Aaron rice tenían yeah that's right I think the last Palestinians like the loose one a drop outside of Israel yeah please the only trust with everyone Dino is he yeah hey I'm joking he's a really really nice guy he's a great guy he's the cutest thought he's a hard worker if cute is oh he's beautiful to his beautiful eyes on early hair what is it about the curly hair nice I combo that just makes everybody will come to that what about the straight hair Shalini I I mean it's an acquired taste brother you know what I'm saying look if you're in a plane crash yeah you are definitely the first one that's gonna get [ __ ] bro eaten [ __ ] or even ordered oh you seem like a you seem like the kind of like little dessert boy that gets kind of [ __ ] prison but only around the holidays you know yeah like the rest of the year this little [ __ ] you know a little this little lemon tart is off oh yeah dude I would be loose I would just be a walking Halldor bro but I would have a lot of cigarettes Oh inside stuff because I would [ __ ] myself to the point where had all the staff video games tattoos yeah he's like if you were in prison I go you want you want a Twinkie I got one cuz I [ __ ] I roll yeah you want to come get this yeah wank so anyway I see these two open micros driving me to Vegas and we're in Las Vegas Boulevard and we stopped at a stoplight and there was two rednecks sisters well one was like 300 pounds the other one was 62 pounds oh wow yeah they all know they were both toothless okay wait hold on if they had teeth but randomly okay so they had a strange teeth people on to those people don't hang out together there's one person with and one person without that's person right but a toothless person would never never hang out with a toothless person so there's a tooth person I would hang out there no no a to pursue this would never go double toothless oh but I would hang out with a toothless so I could bragged every once in a while just go like this yeah yeah let me smile like really laughs like in that song words like let me see you grill let me see your what and then you pointed him anybody yeah so we stopped at a stoplight is and and uh one of the sisters rolls on the windows you guys we think your kid - Aron Kader oh yeah good steak size curly hair but you jumped out of the [ __ ] nest in Ian's brother a lot of chicks love that [ __ ] yeah and this is uh I think this is pre 9/11 oh yeah so you know they cuz I can do what you want oh yeah yeah and I'm saying this Matthew disappears broke we don't know where he is so I get to the Riviera and I tell Brian I go but first also Brian Keith Etheridge look him up ugliest white dude that God ever made but is he a family man now and I don't face Brian God [ __ ] your face up no I think he didn't even try look at that Oh God didn't even try look at that hair no chin oh my god was he you know um was he was he in the military that's the only photo you can see to the one in the very far right that's him right there I think he's cute he's looking for you have no idea baby that guy was the king of insults he was the bill first one yeah and he has two first names and then a lesbian right so I tell Brian I go hey I'm gonna go do a set list anyway cuz I had to do the midnight show in the Riviera so when I show up at the show dude Brian Keith Etheridge and Aron Kader were with these sisters do hmm and Brian comes up to me goes hey man if you're funny and these girls are racist they told us that they don't hate you hate chinks Oh what he said if you're funny that they would blow you oh wow so I'm like that's a very gummy blow job - yeah indecisiveness yeah we hate you but if you're funny yeah so I have a good set and then afterwards they they go yeah so us five we go to my art hotel room and it's like six hours of debauchery talking to that Oh as well yeah yeah but it's like I came like 12 times it was a crazy like nightmare yeah two on one 101 it was crazy but I like but around 4:00 in the morning I wanted to see that four on one versus asleep yeah the other four does criminals so check it out dude so at 4:00 in the morning I'm with the fat one right I'm Mike bad and I'm doing her doggy style yeah yeah I have you know a big dog ever but she's no no they all that cleaning the kennel baby and um you know I'm saying a lot so I look around I like taking the school yeah and I look around and I don't know where Brian is oh yeah right I know where Aaron is Aaron's with the other girl yeah so I'm doing styling I don't know where Brian is it's a couple of minutes pass and then all of a sudden I feel something tickling my butthole oh yeah and it feels like a feather oh wow yeah yeah I turn around and there's no one there so now I think is it paranormal right mm-hmm like I need like a Nate like a Native American ghost or something or white yeah yeah but the feather I'm saying though oh that's right I'm like a white yes I'm like a writer for the 1800 yeah yeah yeah yeah so I didn't keep going but then now I know it's not a feather now oh yeah it's it's like some sort of flesh mm-hmm all my rectum oh yeah right I got scared as you do Yeah right if you don't know where your bro is something you got a girl here you feel something something happening on your anus what it is right there's a there's something right there's a man with a little sailor over there I love that song it's a good song right so then I got and then all of a sudden I looked down right and he had crawled underneath her yeah and he was eating her vagina oh wow while I was doing it it's like Michelangelo paint like from you know yeah the ceiling order yeah and you were like yeah yeah doing that roof work roof work right yeah even this thing you do that you did that thing yeah yeah yeah so I in my head you don't know what to do because I'm about to come but also this is gay yeah so you're caught in a situation like woody what do you do yeah go do Dan with God so my my thing was speed [ __ ] get out oh wow I said Carl Lewis bro yeah yeah powerful powerful cut power [ __ ] is insane daliyah told me dude if you're a power [ __ ] yeah shut it down man that [ __ ] is so old-school you know what was in the railroad he's a slow [ __ ] he said he's a salut yeah yeah yeah and I always believed him I always powerful because I think the girl's gonna change their mind yeah right so I just I can come here before they go yeah I've decided not to so I was doing it I start on [ __ ] her and then something happened where he either kind of adjusted I adjusted a little bit and I try to stick it back in and he got he came up like this no and my penis rubs his eye oh wow right when you when you stick your penis in another man's eye it's a party stopper yeah I could see the ends it ends all the vibe I could see some definitely some even like hey I'm gonna grab some ice you know yeah yeah early he was uncomfortable when we stopped I didn't come and then I just hey everybody you guys wanna breakfast and it was a yeah so we go down to the buffet oh that's like 5:00 in the morning eating with a group of people have y'all been [ __ ] sounds way a Native American bro that just sounds like pygmy style let's all [ __ ] thing go get ahead and go right [ __ ] pheasant you know you gotta tighten up yeah so then what ends up happening anymore happen yeah more it's not even done so we're at breakfast bro and you know I'm trying to because I need to sleep yeah I'm tired you know I know you know talking to the people I'm eating my bacon you know and I look at Brian and his there's a yellow oh yeah film hmm they had dried over his eye oh wow and it was infected oh yeah he couldn't open it right oh yeah that Polynesian hushpuppy they call that when that thing gets all [ __ ] flared up and shuts down the Sun from our from groups yeah yeah I gave them the Polynesian so now I'm now like I'm tired and I'm like you know I'm like just in my head I'm like let it go don't even tell him about it oh right just got you know just to let just go to sleep he might lose the eye but that's his bad oh yeah right but then my other side was like you got to say something right so much I just got I got your eye dude he's like what like a really you can't see through that eye dude right he's like yeah you're right right like he should have known that like I can't see ya but I [ __ ] I yeah he forced me to call him out idiot right if you can't see you know yeah I'm like so what do you want to do like you know what do you want to do about it yeah I was hoping he was like you know no this happens all the time if I kick it so we go to sleep it'll be better that's not what he said yeah he goes it hurts oh it hurts real bad right it's infected it's a so now we had to go to the hospital no I know I bruh what we get that black yeah yeah so now imagine how I'm feeling it's 7:00 in the morning now 6:00 in the morning huh you're driving in the hospital and you hadn't come yet did you come or not a bunch of times before that yeah oh that's disgusting and so we go to the hospital and Brian you know was like hey guys I'm really embarrassed so you can't say that you jabbed your dick in my eye so I go what are you gonna say he said I'll come up with something brush by fairy - so we go and the doctor comes and he goes what happened and then Brian he's a comment she goes he skull-fucked away in this in the story but he got antibiotics and he could you can see out of that eye now Wow yes it's a good story Celia and the picture can you tell when that picture that anything is wrong with him or something I think that a photo was before the eye mm-hmm yeah that's crazy BK you've never you've never been with an like if you and I if I was single and you and I were on the road and like the hottest chick was like I'll [ __ ] both of you you wouldn't do with me I guess I would do it if you ooh one of us who that's like we're a sheet or something I feel like or we're like a like a Klansman no no no no like I'll take you topical of all right I'm you don't to say you to say a ghost no I know I was did I prefer the term ghost that no because I'll have the purple the put okay I'll hang on a minute yeah I'll be the Grand Wizard yeah I say ghost it's not for everybody but you would know you would do it if I was like at cheats on if you were in an outfit or something cool I'm not gonna sit there and you're fully naked and I'm fully naked we're both trying to keep erections up you know yeah but you don't realize the the Vietnam War kind of bonding that we could have though did I've been to a Vietnam War Memorial Museum so yeah but you weren't enough so what I'm saying is that you and I did something like that you would make us like war buddies baked from frog that was a great movie Gary Sinise is the best huh see this is great but it's just uh um even watching it now and he's sitting on that the [ __ ] guy is sitting on the couch or the bench and you see that feather floating it's really nice I'd say I can't see [ __ ] right oh you could say was he what was Forrest Gump was he he had polio you had polio really no he didn't have polio he had autism just had weak legs yeah Hugh there was no mental yes there was a delay there was a devotional you know he had like a developmental yeah yeah he was struggling now what about this so but if you would just I have the last word if they had said such a delay how can he play ping-pong that good because you're not really because his response his motor skills and mental response time is off the charts right right he does that make him he could run and carrying a black man with no legs in an arm you could just do a lot of things yeah anyway all right maybe physically is it abnormal or something yeah I think if you have a motor skills seem fine it's the rest of them you know it's a non motor and autistics often have like they call them like islets of competence their autistic savants so they can do like a lot of other things weird well like count or do math or like Raymond Raymond Raymond yes oh we had uh we had this boy autistic boy named Lance bust autistic Lance and he could throw a [ __ ] javelin I swear to God almost probably 100 hundred yards that was the thing oh and hit a [ __ ] balloon son they called him Lancelot yeah and maybe they know you said that's real maybe they named him because o it is real maybe they named him because they knew he was gonna do that I don't know if one of his parents was like a foreseer alright uh what [ __ ] happen to him he was an [ __ ] to I mean he had skills and then he was also an [ __ ] well what about this so you got this beautiful dime here yeah when you gonna take that thing to the bank you know what I'm saying brother you're gonna take that thing to the bank you little [ __ ] Chim Cheree hmm you little [ __ ] Pokemon gone sorry just fell asleep for a second sleepwalk my bag um but what about this I can I just do this though is um thanks for that gig though you bet man Bobby now when did he get did he tell you about it no well millionaire's house must have been real important oh yes yes I do remember I mean I went to a millionaire's house and I'm gonna say this right now I have never eaten a dick - I mean yeah part - right it was I I know dude I had never been on stage were in my my life and I went no one is listening but no one like me had finished her dessert and then we're like trying to get the rest of half of a side yeah you can feel them like scraping the ceramic part of the [ __ ] ball I mean it was baby I was eating his wedding was just some rich kids no but the guy before his powerful buddy wasn't like he's not even a paid regular yeah he killed how did you do he did good okay okay yell at a lady though when you gather that lady I'm like I should have done that [ __ ] throw him to shut it down they're rich and I've never liked the rich and the [ __ ] homo damn son I'll burn this [ __ ] down I go to jail for four years max yeah and I'm out at 40 but dude it was like it was number one I needed it hmm it really does when you're when it really does that kind of bomb humbles the [ __ ] out of here yeah and so I was like sweating I got off stage I'm like wow that's I remember and that in the day you know you I'm right bomb all the time and then um give a [ __ ] somebody else [ __ ] while he was up there yeah yeah I think instead that they had dropped some silverware and I was like I don't think and I stood up for you there I know you did thank you so much and I was holding it down in there and I stole some [ __ ] [ __ ] from those people too but I ran into the guy two weeks later dr. Lyon no I was in Arizona dude Arizona and he would this millionaire right he had flown to go see what's the LA team not the Lakers covers clippies yeah the clips and the suns raw Suns play and he had like boxes seats or whatever and so I was walking goes hey Bobby and I turned around and there he was I gave him a hug and he goes and then he didn't know what to say and he was coming out of his mouth he goes great job at the car show and I knew that he didn't mean it mmm so it was and then I go like this I go Thanks mmm you didn't mean that no it was a good really weird he's a nice guy can I get water ma'am Parcher oh yeah I got it back yeah man that was really tough and all I did do better than both of us and we were but it was the worst part is after it show when you really don't do well and you sell to stand around like to get paid and [ __ ] and you're just like kind of [ __ ] standing there yeah knowing that people do not want you there yeah it reminded me of back in the day when you would do like a Tribble run back in the 90's or these shitty gigs that you would do and I'd like a Holiday Inn in visalia oh yeah right and you would eat it and then you would that waiting to the very end of the night to get an envelope of $100 yeah but you needed that hundred it felt like that because if it was if that gig was 100 bucks the you and I would have done it but um let's see if it was I wouldn't wait it yeah but it was such a pretty good money yeah dad waited it was but at the end of the day again I like I love I do honest honest better to say I'm thinking about you this is that um I'm gay I'm gonna get emotional mmm not really but um I do I I truly I truly love you Thanks no no look you don't like intimacy did I do like no I give you compliments and stuff and and I look in your eyes and I get real I get really like emotional and then you just brush it off so just look at me right now dude okay yeah okay I I'm so happy for your success thank you I'm so proud of you and I love you thanks buddy I love you too man look at me though when you say it I love you too okay yeah you're always a nice man I mean look you helped me get an age and it wasn't for you I don't want to in this town nobody else has even done anything for me in this town really I mean people have done some stuff but Bobby's really helped me well I mean you've learned like you know Jeff Ross I could be a Jeff Ross right Jeff Ross is one of those guys that whenever he was ever on a show I remember years ago he had a Fox talk show that he was trying to develop and he called me he's like you know they don't know I mean they they're you did mad and the people that are there now don't know you as well but I really want you to work for me and work on the show every show that he's ever been on like the you know whatever the burn or whatever you might do he he always calls me into work oh wow Jordan Peele he gave me a last year he goes um hey man you want to do a commercial for a huge amount of money who really little work and I didn't have their audition was it for Best Buy no it's for arm booking.com oh so my point though is is that you know there are comics that make it a web power who will never help anybody alright they hoard it right and um they're miserable right and I you know I've always there are guys out there they have really like like you know I think Rogan does so much for comedy yeah to get people on his show to give them his audience expose him to his audience yeah and they're just people out there like that so it's like I'm just like you know I just want to try to make myself you know more available for sweet but there are you know your night sky if you were an [ __ ] [ __ ] it I would not help you right there you can it's a no-brainer with you yeah like I saw Trevor Noah in you know solid amber again I called it Matt Blake ACA and I go you gotta sign this guy and he's like I'm not gonna go to South Africa I go you should because this guy is that good well he's young he is so prolific and he's so [ __ ] smart so when Trevor came to America and went to Vegas and performed Matt when it flew out and song really yeah they signed him hmm but like you know he was at Trevor's a nice guy but he's also you know you said it's a no-brainer right you know when you look at you your voice and your point of view and [ __ ] it's like oh yeah he's gonna regardless he's gonna make it you know it might take them longer or whatnot but you couldn't clearly see it yeah and then there are those that you see and they're just so bitter and they have such anger and rage inside them that you just kind of go pass oh so you see so a lot of that anger really keeps people down keep steal from other people seeing them as young that they could really bring joy and it's not only that it's this dude it's [ __ ] it's it's if they're like that when they're not famous what are they gonna be like when they have money and power yeah but sometimes people are ugly when they're not when they're struggling and I think that when they finally make it the feeling of that aggressive competitive nature it sort of dissipates a little bit I get I don't know I'll get more chip you're right in the past couple of months I've been a lot more like just stressed out I think and just like short about things and I've never been a mom I can tell that with you though logo it's I really I really I mean up but I know that you're busy and you have but do this is a real exciting time for you yeah it even for me it's like you know I have a lot going on you know and uh you know how to fly to [ __ ] Hawaii to zin then I gotta fly back to do Irvine like I'm shooting a movie and then that night when I shoot I have to fly back are you in the Sandler movie yeah yeah you are it was just like took a place but go they try to give me a part in it and then did they offer you one no they will they didn't but it was for yeah yeah I just say this Oh huh it was hi someone young it was like a young kind of mix guy that had been in a fire I guess maybe you got it it was for kind of like I think it was like a Hawaiian Frederick Douglass everyday but with like a glue cut glue kitchen yeah well yeah whoo God I'm gonna say this though is that I for 22 years have auditioned for every atom sound Wow and I never got him I came close a couple of times but like you know so that's what I'm doing but anyway I'm you know there's a lot going on and you've got a lot going on and I know it could feel overwhelming yeah but at the end of the day dude it's like you know you have your silver guy yeah you're good dude you work hard you're very very [ __ ] funny so hard to give thanks brah we're always nice oh you know why yeah that's a lot somebody know what he's good at talking his way into people in me he's a sweet guy yeah I think so I you know it's weird for somebody who gives so many compliments he can't take him no he can't even hear you sometimes me I'm the [ __ ] worst ugh he's untouchable emotionally in a lot of ways yeah I'd say so mm-hmm yeah yeah I don't know what it is when people go good job I come now yeah we you just can't even but the problem is you hear but you know it doesn't really it doesn't land and on us sometimes this comedian that doesn't think it's it's like it's like it's the thing is that I don't do it for that right right it did you do it because that's just what you do I think eventually I mean back in the day was about like oh I'm following my dreams and taking risks and you know putting one foot in front of the other and you know when you take a risk other doors open on whatever right and you work really hard but what and Shania is funny yeah yeah but it's like yeah but then eventually you do it because this is what you do right yeah it becomes just a part of your everyday life show business yeah yeah and yeah yeah and then what happens is that you forget you know the excitement of it and why you did in the [ __ ] first place yeah like we were the first time you you killed that you literally got a laugh in a club yeah and then you got offstage and some random person said whoa you're funny and then that night you would go home lay in your bed and just and just dream yeah and you're so happy because you're so well because you you didn't know that you could do that right and and it's it's okay if you know it's an otherworldly kind of experience like I can do this yeah and you're laying in bed and you're like like anything is possible and then years go by you get a bunch of [ __ ] yeah you become angry guy it's [ __ ] weird it is I gotta be able to fine I'm gonna look at my life and look at what I have in my life and go this is it this is it this is it everything that I ever want is now right I couldn't no one wanted to [ __ ] me back in the day don't look at her kalila say I was unfuckable back in the day yeah you know I don't think you were ever unfuckable you probably had a really shitty attitude yeah I could see you thankfully yourself and also you know thinking Danny I'm Daniel Dae Kim or whatever that guy's name was I would never have ever thought I was Daniel dick him Daniel day-lewis that's why man yeah but they're like oh look at me like um baby babe you know you don't know you say that a lot I'm a that because I'm a traphouse yellow boy out here flex and you know like are wearing gold chains or doing I could see you yeah getting Flossie down there you lower my Civic yeah my Honda Civic put rims on yeah yeah yeah turn up a little Buckcherry and [ __ ] crazy I like them yeah I'm gonna tell you right now kalila I was I really did mainly was unfuckable Wow I think that you I'm not saying you weren't but I don't think it was from your physical appearance yes I think it was from the inside yeah the inside was broken oh yeah I had no confidence and what stand up did for me was give me confidence like I said it's like I know the outs I could I could have been deer dealt a better of me a better hand I have fingers and they're handsome right yeah thank you I think you're handsome guy there's a nice I see you at the comedy show I'm like oh wow Bobby's looking handsomer than he has been and and that always is exciting you know and I think but what about this that I'm curious about is yeah would you if you had to let because I know that you obviously have sided with crystally I heard you guys say I didn't say anything Theo it was all out of this guy's mouth okay well I heard Robin Everland okay well I heard a little Robbie over here [ __ ] say that if he had to side with me or Dahlia that he was with the Lea till the end listen friend our friend now yeah yeah listen friend all right let's hear let's walk a little bit of it though can we see exactly what was said Nicholas hmm thank you very much because this kind of stuff I feel like is where people draw lines you know but what do I know I'm just a young man making his dreams come true so okay let's take let's hear that clip I say I'm gonna say something else to you and I'm gonna look in your eye okay and that's Bobby he sounds like a cat with like a little bit of emphysema not that there is one but if there was ever a war between you and Theo von yeah if there was ever a war he's left you you have my assurance yeah this is a slept Kingdom mm-hmm much and they call him a slept Kingdom cuz he sleeps 21 hours a day and yeah the Queen lady asleep one advantage of his freedom here in America let's hear more my people the papyrus will back you like you're the king of the north that's very cool you're the king of the north yeah the king in the north couldn't land in st. Louis absolutely unbelievable king of the north wait he can't even get to the Midwest and my clan my my people clan did you hear that I don't use that kind of terminology on your team thank you [ __ ] the Rat King alas I love you as a person the true did you just say what I just said that I love I love him like a what like a Bob are on your team thank you [ __ ] the Rat King what last I love you as a person yes I love them as a person and that's the truth in that I believe that part you do believe that part I just want to know when the [ __ ] [ __ ] hits the well that that scenario is literally never gonna happen when the [ __ ] hits the RSS feed I want an whose pod you're [ __ ] rolling with something right but what I'm saying is is that I'm just I'm just stirring it up but why are you pick him because he's taller who would you let bang kalila now we're getting into it now we're getting into it okay yeah all right I'm gonna say that choose who I would bang yeah yeah go ahead you should choose first you know what CEO I've always had a great relationship with you but if ever you need something you always you know you're on a few people who still leaves voicemails oh nice lengthy thoughtful ones thank you so I would use a huge that's why they don't know any better 150% she said okay Oh sex thank you okay I want to I want to say this okay yeah Oh like I'm so angry that my insides are making noises yeah here's the deal dude you cannot tell me right now in terms of sexual violence thank you sexually is that we were saying sexually you are yeah okay okay I'm just say it's it's like this it's like seeing um let's just let me let me finish it's like seeing it's at comparing like Tom Hardy who'd you [ __ ] Tom Hardy or Simon Pegg yeah who's Simon Pegg did answer no yeah he's a good actor dancer wolves I haven't seen that yeah yeah all right you're both mission impossible oh there you go mission impossible yeah you're both cute right but you know yes peg hmm amazing British yeah yeah I could see that he's super talented though he's super talented the Lord's uh a little bit of the Lord maybe I'll listen to know Theo you're very handsome and cute he's just got a little extra elements he's got more shuttler yet he's got more shoulders hmm his parents brought her here's basically that's they mated they've his parents these grandparents mated his parents yeah so that they would have children of healthy skeleton and you know occipital areas you've another thing that's not fair yeah and I'll tell you why I mean it and also at the end of the day I'm just [ __ ] kiddin I was money I would never to sides and I love you so much crazy oh he grew up with a silver spoon in his mouth so he doesn't know the blue-collar struggle so that's why I would choose you just based on the whole Louisiana you know um okay I want to say this very similar to Philippine yep yeah by the water give you that helping each other out of a look at the shoulders done yeah shoulders dude that's that right there dude is shape of water bro you want to talk about shape of water right there I did shape a water dude that is shape of [ __ ] fresca bro yeah look he has deck stereo bruh yeah but can I just say this though you know long he's gonna live probably another four years and like he's wearing colored contact lenses okay so want to bring that up and his dogs don't even live at his house the lady brings him over for Instagram and then take some back turn around butters got a pet owner huh yeah yeah and actually there's three of them and only two of them they ever used in its like that of mary-kate national it's insane man sweetie you have it wrong oh when I when I was a middle school and growing up yes we had money but when I hit high school my parents went bankrupt yeah that's why you would they had to sell the house but the house I know but up until you're about 17 18 you live I like we visited your old 17 it's a very rich I grew up in a white area yeah but I can have note I have no control over where we live did you ever have a bus pass I know no what is that yeah do you know what the MTA is No normal people and you had a computer your whole life yeah we have computers like normal in a swimming pool and have you ever had a black man's hair drip on your lap because you had to sit so close up behind him on a bus no but I had a gazebo a tennis court and also swimming and he lived in the Country Club we had a country club as well bro huh you're not talking about being in country brain I think about the mekong delta daddy are you but in the sense though in the sense of Chris D'Elia you know as a kid his dad wasn't show business yeah and when he was a kid apparently they used to call Chris into the room and Chris would do these like little plays while they're in bed his parents in bed and he would do these funny little plays that he would make up and they would Bravo you know Bravo right and in our heard is that they would encourage that right when I did that my dad beat me Yeah right when I when I said I was going to do stand-up they said if you do you don't ever call me again Wow right and then for years he wouldn't talk to me my dad because I was doing stand-up right it's only when I did The Tonight Show in 2000 he believed in it yeah he called me crying Wow because really yet you met his father or not yeah yeah what does he seem like and his dad isn't able to speak a lot anymore since he's had a couple strokes oh but his dad loves me I think I think I bet he loves because he knows you're gonna take care of Bobby probably and you know what I would I when I'm over at his parents house I feel like I I take care of everyone yeah well bro I'm gonna say this the reason why this [ __ ] Filipino lady is a [ __ ] survivor is the first night because my dad had strokes right we go to Phoenix to stay at their house and you know they don't know her at all and my parents are old-school Koreans they don't barely speak English you look the same look similar they all look the same yes or no the same ID yeah so anyway right yeah we spend the night we sleep that night the first night oh yeah and I see Bobby he's taking a rest huh parents are dying when I go on see three in the morning dude I'm wait I wake up and I hear laughter in the house she had gone down help my dad with all that like medical stuff mm-hmm and they're laughing and she's like she's oh they're already in love with her yeah right this woman right here is a [ __ ] survivor day yeah she'll survive anything bro cuz most girls would be like I don't know that well I don't know what to do right but this girl I that's why I'm in love with this girl amen in every social situation I could go anywhere like any party mm-hmm and she I know that she will be able to survive any elements even there if they're stars politicians even if it's just like you know people that work at Home Depot or whatever she be look like and survive it some girls girlfriends I've had I'd like I can't take it yeah they struggle a struggle she could survive it every social situation and that's why it's very good to have a girl she also I love her yeah but but she's she's got everything there's a chameleon yeah chameleon she's a bright spot man she's definitely she definitely has added a lot more to your life like when I see people aren't like Bobby Lee anymore like Oh Bobby and kalila and it's nice that you got something that is a little more rewarding you know going on and you know the nicest piece of tire I've ever seen on you is kalila you know that but I wouldn't have tiger belly my podcast yeah I know it's it and it's cool it's cool to see man it's nice to see it's inclusive you guys are via a you're nobody's Vietnamese and it's like you know it's like it's exciting man and I think it is it's fun to see you guys taking on like things together were you guys ever considered doing like a television show you think and probably not me and you want somebody I know I do Tiger belly and I do it because I feel like I said him up well and that's my role in the podcast we have sort of this like antagonistic thing going on but I like I actually prefer not to ever know what drives being everyone camera ever in the podcast world - I was dying when I had to do your man a pilot you killed it man you're bad you did a great job Roger God he did it he was so that was a fun do you kill the pain I know but was like internally dying that was fun you're like the Meryl Streep of Island gooks oh yeah they call you a Meryl Streep but no I thought you did a great job you and me talking the [ __ ] beginning is funny Rogers a handsome guy was nice to see him there your mom came out yeah that was a funny dude dude I'm saying I'll have the duck yeah that's why I said but that's why we're all like a family issue and here's a thing do too is is that even in now the podcast world like I know now that youth fighter in the kid dilio and we're all you know we're all helping each other grow and whatnot right but I'm just tired of like now actors are doing it yeah the all these actors are not doing it doing it yeah what's his name Ferris Bueller has one coming out Matthew Broderick yeah was it good with the call I don't know some [ __ ] killing people in London game Alesi no you know you ran over somebody no you ran over somebody in England hey ro and killed somebody in England well he it was cuz he has stolen that car from his [ __ ] parents period but no everybody's didn't kill NZ did he kill somebody yeah he crossed the wrong lane and collided head-on with a Volvo mmm killing the other brother in Ireland Oh in Ireland in Ireland back in 1987 and he killed somebody right two people oh-ho my god a 30 year old and a 63 year old sloth killed instantly oh my you know there's a famous story of a a comedian named Vance was his name and he was there was somebody had gone twas it was sexually raping women a black got the black eye right at different was he black I don't think it was like no no it was a comic that did here's a comic who did he Holland's tour right can you find out what he looked like what would he look like yeah comedian college store rapist and so somebody even raping women at different college campuses they couldn't figure out who it was like what is this and then they realized a comedian had been going was performing at these different schools and that's what was happening you're raping people yeah yeah Ravin people I guess like and so it the end he went to he went to on trial so when I said black guy Vince chant when I said black guy was I right yeah it looks black in these pictures you know yeah yeah Vince champ and dude that somebody's gotta do a movie about this guy oh they definitely show any oh that's amazing ID like a dark movie about a guy who doing imagine a guy trying to give laughter in college campuses but he's no the whole time he's thinking rape on one stage yeah I got it might have been the guy on the 181 bus from Pasadena City College look at that he was spotted fleeing the scene on an attempted rape in Pasadena City College remember when I told you about the story about the 181 bus from PCC yeah earlier yeah 1997 and he asked the women to pray for them after he was / he was prosecuted and convicted in Kansas now here's what I wanted to tell you there was a there's long been a story that he the doctor the the judge said you're gonna get 25 years right since seven 25 years in jail and he stood up and goes thank you your honor can you light me at 15 that's what he said so [ __ ] up so funny he didn't say that yeah are you being a you kids know that's a death the better so [ __ ] funny can you light me at 15 that's fun and that's the comedian from here can you give me the light at this time he was only into butt sex to be raped but yeah just just look and always all he would cover their heads and then engage in anal sex it's well he's a little before his time because this was it's more popular now I know but sex is on a decline video oh yeah Wow people are getting sick well people are just realizing how just it's once it goes in it's sort of just an abyss yeah there's no tightening of the walls or any type of like Kegel you know and yeah there's no real party going on after though you know unless you're into you know scat sex like him I'm sorry I mean Noah he likes the smell of poo yeah people don't mind a little bit of it you not also ever been to some of those I mean some countries you go to it's like today I'm aphrodisiac yeah some of the beltway's over there you know you get everything else had a sigh amber and you can't even [ __ ] finish the sandwich without catching a hit of [ __ ] you know that body purgatory bro duty it so I'm really interested in comics that something like that happen like he did that but then there's that other tape back in the day of that guitar comic snapping onstage I saw that him beating you know guy in the front row with the that was so we were angry [Music] [Music] I'm sorry man the guy [ __ ] came at me what do you think both okay he said show's over cuz Oh bollocks people we're gonna sit there and wait for the next act you know whatever you what did we was the opener you like doing guest spot dude yeah five minute guess spot have you ever had an instance like that nope and the head letters back there's like you know imagine were you afraid to bring your parents to watch Bobby the first time yeah you're excited yeah my my family is very chill and open and or Filipino yeah yeah I'll tell you so we have on the further man up so we just did an actual pilot right so thank you guys we got real Lou you got real legitimate people to do with this head well no we got a free Jim Jefferies winning the link those are higher love it's a higher elevated thing we were your Youtube version that's fine I'm not offended we're friends we used you for that you used us for the YouTube and now for the real pilot the really bigger stars I didn't really use I felt I lower helping him out yeah you guys were helping me out I did feel that and I did in the end one of the thought that one of the fun takeaways was I thought it was something cute for kalila nor said that half of it was really good thank you and even he did a great job and he said he had fun I remember yeah yeah he was really excited he did he looked handsome he could be a double-oh-seven kind of like in a Nebraska sort of James Bond or you know or a little bit not Nebraska but maybe like alpha 10 near Commerce Casino but here's what I like to say is that so when this new when we had to get we're doing a butler where some young fella didn't he wasn't cleaning up around the house he's living with his mom he's 30 so we wanted to take him to Butler school so there's a guy that works in my building who cleans like the elevators and the stairs and everything a latino guy named Kwan so he and I always try and communicate but we can't because neither one of us speak to other language but I was like one man Jana televisi own you know yeah - no matter so next thing you know I got his number one shows up at the place right so next you know he's in the sketch right oh wow so we're all at Butler school everybody's learning how to be a butler he thinks we're learning how to be double-oh-seven like monkey yeah no really oh dude so sometimes I just kind of tap in oh yeah yeah anything the whole thing is so great did he was Whitney and Jim in that scene no Whitney and Jimmer and another one about we try to learn about feminism me and Jim Jefferies gentlemen yeah yeah I mean I love the fact that you use that kinda thing you know it was hilarious it was funny man probably also it you know little things like that probably changes his perception of what he liked and what he's capable of yeah and the funny thing was by the end of the day no doubt he was becoming like the star the thing like he started like getting into it like even with the language barrier right yeah like he started getting into it like it but he was really good like nah like his timing was good it was bizarre Moni gave him some extra they're paying him like scale and stuff so but how can it is illegal who knows man a me can be can you do when you win a TV show if you're if you're an illegal alien can you do a TV show you could get to fill out all the forms California will probably buy on the house dude yeah yeah yeah we had some questions that came in and thank you though I wanted to say that for choosing me over Chris D'Elia when it comes to you know if something happened to Bobby and I like Chris and Chris but I'm glad to know that you would prefer to have somebody sensual around who's gonna care about you in case I'm ever happen to Bob I feel like you'd take me out to breakfast the next day oh yeah I dine apple some poi baby if I can [ __ ] die and I'm in heaven and you you're getting physicalities with the Rat King I don't [ __ ] very much I'm okay with that yeah what if we're like 60 I don't give a [ __ ] there's many other building every trans yeah [ __ ] em [ __ ] em [ __ ] rocket yeah yeah [ __ ] spicy Roadrunner Santino that [ __ ] that way house all right [ __ ] ginger courage huh okay so walking rage dude dude how many in bombs does he have it as hell that's what I wanna know oh so you have questions what kind of questions got a couple that came in from the listeners yeah we is because of Valentine's Day we had people send in questions about their relationships and see if you guys can give some advice okay a few what's up do Bobby kalila question for you all how do I politely tell my girlfriend that she's bad at telling stories she's just not very efficient with her words and it drags on and takes twists and turns and comes up at the end and then is a sorry that took forever thanks Maya gun squad gang bruh thank you very much for your support yeah when I would do very nice of you is when she tells a story I would look at her and go that's great you should write a script on that story no no no so that she writes the script oh right right that she actually uses these rights how long this rotten page 70 of the script yeah even happened yeah nothing's happened it's about a parking she can get a parking right and then and I set up I'll set up like industry meetings right so now she's in like I mean NBC right whatever right yeah with grace woo yeah right now just pitching this idea and they're just staring at her like you know I mean and that's how she'll know and then they buy it and then next thing you know Santino and deliora in Iran are in it and then you and me are there you know after they fool around a couple years from now I think what do you mean I know but what do you do yeah what am i I have friends grow girlfriends who are horrible storytellers you know I'm all about just keeping keeping things very brief I don't even like long emails yeah if you're close enough with her I don't think there's anything wrong with saying okay what's the general thesis of all of this that's my sister oh he says that actually and she says it in such a jovial way so it doesn't offend the other person and joking way just be like alright gotta wrap it up like what is yeah what you know point a point B but just keep it quick and I think that would probably serve her for the rest of her life you're the closest person to her do her a favor yeah look you tell stories for 30 minutes long when they could be two minutes short right and it's just not fair it might prevent you from a job opportunity to just you know yeah it's just a blind spot you have that you did you don't notice and I like your stories but are too [ __ ] long yes I like you sorta but they're too long I'll be patient for like one of my niece something wrong with her you know I don't know what's wrong with her and they have you know she would tell stories for forever six six seven hours but all night keep you up all night you know so finally I would be like oh the story pearl it police are here we're pulling this story over we need to get an ending to it right now you know so she went like five minutes of like stuff story police are here so you could do that with your chick man drop that spz on her brunt if she gets out up if she gets out of line dude [ __ ] taser you know I'm saying tase that [ __ ] man but but you have great stories baby but most with the girl you great stories babe good pretty good you like Hemingway I love it but like that's the only author I know and I wrote it but all the girlfriends I've ever had but I've trained myself married to pretend yeah and that's what most relationships are right even with your friends yeah but if she's about your friends like I've been with guys and like Santino's told me a story where I fake laughed at it oh yeah yeah you don't really think it's good right but with you and the kind of rapport we have where if he's telling me some dumb [ __ ] story I'll roll my eyes and be like wrap it up what do we what are you trying to tell me yeah and he'll do the same with you yeah I guess yeah yeah yeah yeah there's a level of a certain point where it's like you're almost past like the you know that each other care enough and it's not going to be damaged like whatever you know it's not gonna be damaging where's in the first couple months of a relationship or maybe even first year to this guy looks younger than us it could definitely be like you know that could be breakup potential it's later shut it that's an energy vampire someone who thinks they can sit there and tell a story for 30 minutes and have your ears at all time that's just brood yeah it really is and that's I mean even as entertainers like I feel bad doing over 50 minutes in a set it's like you know these people paid but I don't want to give them their money's worth but I also don't want to sit there and just be up here you know like a lot of comedy like Chappelle will show up and just sit up there and smoke a cigarette it's like yes he's great but at the same time it's like do I have to somebody 3 or 4 a.m. to see your talent I saw Mencia do 5 hours in a row like I was hosting the show I when he I brought him up on stage hmm and then I went to the greenroom and then next thing I know I wake up from like a four hour sleep Wow and dream room was the greenroom room was dark and it woke up and I didn't know where you know what time it was where I was and I go what the [ __ ] you know and I listen and he's still on stage and I look at the [ __ ] clock and it's like 3:00 4:00 in the [ __ ] morning unbelievable baffling man and that is and also this guy right here I'm saying if it sounds like it's just not gonna work out mm-hmm right this guy yes I don't know if you're if you're if that if it bothers you so much that you're doing a video and you're sending it to people podcast and stuff but it's in its people I think that he that he admires there we have a young lady's perspective here today which we don't have in all the times that knife no you can't you can hold the case to it and I'll hold this part I think you should show her this episode that'll solve it yeah this episode to definitely help I mean but I think Sid yeah being real with her book is also you're gonna need somebody that you can be real with at some point man you can disagree opportunity for you to be real and loving at the same time I love you I love listening to you sometimes I feel like your stories are too or just too long and it's you know it's hard to be to stay focus the whole time you know when there are certain storytellers or certain people who tell stories really like was it May was it June was it you know it was definitely July and they go into these like unimportant parts of the story yeah that destroys me when I'm when I had to sit there and I'm I'm just desperately waiting for the you know for the gist yeah yeah because I'm living my life it's like I want to be supportive but at the same time I'm not out here just absorbing your [ __ ] for an hour when it's not fine-tuned taking on stage and get it tight and then bring it back to the relationship what else is going on we got another question from Australia from Emma hi see you Bobby and kalila Emma from Melbourne Australia this little guy is six weeks old and he's dead he's being and inconsiderate bastard for example the other day I told him to grab Weston in the morning so I could have a sleep in and his response was what about my sleeping and then last night I asked him to get his get ready in the bathroom put his work clothes on in the bathroom in the morning so he doesn't wake me up and he cracked the shits so he's really being an inconsiderate bastard and I was just wondering what advice you have for him and yeah please help him also for Valentine's Day I got him tickets to your show in Melbourne in May you're very sweet good is it bud what about forty Gang Gang mummy the baby looks like about forty years old and also the baby look like you've been dating other babies in the neighbourhood sexually content yeah yeah well I think you could just even show him this video and let him know a that obviously your wife really cares about you because she got your tickets to my show and she's still thinking about the future of you guys and doing something fun together down the line so but at the in the meantime she's thinking about some other issues she would love a little bit more maybe understanding who knows what other stresses she's under so so she's the one that carried the baby for nine months and went through all the physical I mean imagine I we will never get any experience that yeah but what do you do with a man who's not able to that type of information isn't able to sink in mmm look when there's just so wrapped up in themselves anything their time is so [ __ ] valuable let's say he maybe let's suppose like he brings home you know he's financially more you know he brings on the bacon what if he thinks his role is to not do that because I have a friend who has three kids and he doesn't feel like he needs to participate in the kids rearing or helping with a newborn Wow because he makes most of the money and so you just have to be clear about those gender roles and because you're not okay with what's going on I think you should just be really clear with him and say hey dude I'm exhausted I need your help that's just the end of it all that's the end of the story no I'm gonna argue against it just for a second thought yeah if the dude is a coal miner right he has soot on him he wakes up at 6:00 in the morning has to take an elevator to the you know in oh yeah gonna cook or pour and whatever he's inhaling is like giving him lung diseases right and he's there for 12 hours [ __ ] getting iron ore I don't know how they do it down there you know Seven Dwarfs but my point in any comes home and he's just dark you know in certain just dirty and like tired as [ __ ] I think that that dude should be able to just take a bath and go to sleep yeah possibly yeah it sure is you're working at you know Kinkos mm-hmm right and you you're in charge of stocking the highlighters mm-hmm you you can help out yeah yeah I agree and that somebody should be I agree I think that there's definitely you things you expect you're like oh well if I'm working you think oh I expect that she should be able to handle that right but it should be communicated that's the thing it's like it's what's going on I feel like I'm tired when I get home and she's like well I feel like I would love to get a little bit rest in the morning because it's a long day and then I stay up at night with you to spend time with you and you get home you know it's and motherhood is so ice it can be very isolating seems like it and you know you're feeding a baby out of your own body I will say though that there really no is no excuse to not be considerate and it sounds like even though this guy wants some he's just not being considerate right and my dad was a really you know he brought home the bacon he was a very very very busy man but he was always really kind and thoughtful and considerate to my mom when she had two young babies and to this day she's like there will be no better example of a man should take care of two young kids given that as busy as he was yeah and he was 70 years 70 years old Wow he was an old guy yeah and he still showed up at the same kind of vibe your dad was super old oh that's another thing with her in common and her menthe dad was super old he was like 60 right when he had you yeah yours was and they were on the swim team right you guys were on swim team yeah because we were you know Filipino know what last lucky sperm we swim fast oh yeah last Lucky's firmly cemented s yeah yeah I think yeah some consideration could definitely help and if you are doing that just let her know why if there's a reason I think you just got to communicate with it and be vulnerable and maybe she's a little bit scared I don't know if women get scared sometimes after they have a kid you they feel like you know maybe my huh you know like my husband's gonna think different of me or something I don't know maybe there's a lot of fears going on and but it's obviously that she cares because she's doing something nice that for you for the future to come do it to take you to a comedy show whether it's mine or anyone she's thinking about down the road and so you know she's not obviously thinking about she just wants a little bit of help in the meantime she probably spent some consideration is but she did she tell him these grievances or I think okay or maybe this is her way of telling him in happy Valentine's Day well I can say that but little Winston looks cute as hell ma'am I'm buddy got a little uh Doberman not a Doberman but something some kind of real [ __ ] like a little animal little fox or something like a thick Fox and his name Winston did a real Winston is a corgi in our building with paralyzed back legs oh really and he still alive yeah he is he's on wheels Winston is on tell him what happened no why would we end a Valentine's episode telling Theo about our neighbor that died oh I never died yeah and it's sad his headboard was against our headboard and I could feel when he was passing away no wait a second yeah and he was in hospice care and I told Bobby I'm like I've just been feeling really heavy and sure enough I talked to his family a couple days after and he did pass away when we were feeling it did he have HIV no he died of liver CA well he was nice and nice but he was a good dude that doesn't turn people into Saints yeah yeah yeah it's really sad it is sad very sad young and vibrant yeah very young and fit good as [ __ ] out and handsome right Jesus mm-hmm and he has had addiction issues no he just got a beautiful Asian I think he was fallacious he was like six-30 asian not your kind of five foot yeah nothing a little worker bee we're talking about a king our queen yeah we've got one more so we don't okay let's do one more yeah that was downer but I feel kalila and Bobbie my name is Julia and I'm from Toronto and I love all of you I love both of your podcasts Tiger belly and this past weekend thank you I have a question for you all considering your own relationships what do you do about being attracted to people outside of your relationships and have you ever felt inclined or the urge or desire to step outside your relationship and cheat thanks so much guys love you it's a really complex question they're an easy question though what is it well and there's your two honey here you know I want to see your answer and then I'll answer based on your answer she already said me not Chris if you go into a relationship thinking that you cannot have eyes for anybody else you're setting yourself up for failure if you go in thinking that yes I will always I will probably find 50,000 people attractive in my lifetime but I choose this person it's a lot less of a burden to carry I tell you when I find someone attractive yeah but I would I don't I'm not threatened by that feeling of attraction I just know that I'm allowed to feel that way cuz I'm human and therefore I don't feel the need it doesn't become a temptation because I own it right it becomes a temptation when you try to suppress the feeling of attraction and then all of a sudden it feels like you like it becomes exciting that temptation turns to excitement because you're trying to suppress I also honest oz a really good point any many don't know is it many crushes yeah of course we play candy crossed you all the time yeah no but I'll like you know you know I'll go to a certain like coffee shop or whatever bathhouse yeah yeah and there's a girl that's there that's cute right my suits and then they go oh you know I mean oh I'm a fan of you know you know yeah and then you go there do you yeah sorry sorry go on and so I have these little mini crushes running the day or over the years but it's also you know I know that I'm you know committed relationship with her it doesn't you know I don't know it's just I just don't cheat yeah and I think those little mini crushes or those little things make you realize oh that I still have you know I'm a being enough feelings you know and kind of exciting exciting and I think that if it's makes me exciting to kind of see your partner to and remember that you did feel that same feeling with them but fifty times stronger when you first met them right yeah and I think you just constantly have to remind yourself that you you you felt that way about your partner now I think that you know people have their own rules and relationships and people have like open relationships but it hasn't been hard being monogamous with him even though I was my last relationship was with two men well I lived in I lived with two men we had a great relationship for several years we traveled together it was respectful it was great sounds good I never want to do that again it was exhausting sounds exhausting yeah yeah and sounds very you've never thought it hasn't been an issue at least for me you know I love the way you framed it to like the way that you see it like you know that it is sure those things are gonna happen and that's totally natural like to have attraction at different people and if you just see it as that and kind of be glad that it happens that you have that even that function in your brain that you still even can have that feeling that doesn't mean that's not in you and still toward the other person for you know 50 times the strength I also have a friend I'm gonna say his name who's marrying us kids Dom who whenever he sees her he obviously gives her [ __ ] eyes yeah yeah but he like looks are up and down right and if she's turned away he'll look at her ass and all that kind of you don't have like a little smile and I watched him do it I fire that bro yeah you know I get it right she's hot yeah you know and I don't have jealousy I don't have any and after your shows I see women come up to him they kiss him on the cheek they want to hug him they want to flirt with him saying hey come with us have drinks and I always I never step in and I'm happy for him that he gets to he's a cute talented man why wouldn't why wouldn't they be attracted to me I was attracted to him right that's a good point yeah so funny it's a you know it's so interesting it's like you would want people to be now you want them to work with it healthily whenever they whenever they get that I saw a girl she opened up a hatchback and she had a bunch of wood chips back there and tried to convince probably to get back in there that a water bottle in there with a little spout coming out of it oh damn look empty that a candy cross like a big sized iPad one that hasn't come out yet and he was really tempted you could see him almost get in there I was at Charlie naturally I was like Charlie good nights that Club mm-hmm and there's the first of this ever happened I was started first started dating kalila but we're committed hmm and she grabbed my wrist she let me blow you in the bathroom oh wow and and I was like there's no way no like that when you went home and changed our facebook status to in a relationship Wow was that I knew there was something you were compensating for yeah I figured you probably got a [ __ ] at this trip no I never got a [ __ ] I know but I'm pretty sure it came close and that's why you went home and you were like I got it no no and he does oh he has now we know our boundaries but in the beginning he didn't know what a bounder he was right what it meant so in the beginning in our first year together he would do things like text a woman like I want to [ __ ] you raw dog yeah and it was like this postmates guy or like he would just go out of his way to you know he would take that temptation go a little bit too far verbally that's what I do that's what I'd done but then I just made it really clear with him I said look that's my line you know you know light flirting you know innocent stuff all good but to tell her you have plans to [ __ ] her raw dog yeah that's my line that's my boundary right and you just have to be really clear about your lines with each other in your relationship I like that Wow but you learning some stuff today yeah I mean I and I you know I was in a relationship and I didn't do that good of having boundaries and stuff like that and now that I've been off pornography I've felt a lot less tempted to really engage with women as much as I used to like it used to be like a lot more of a temptation for me and now it's like I don't even that some of that temptation is going away where it's not even it's just like a bad habit almost and I don't feel like I have to just cling to any type of attraction that a woman sends to me because there's making it hard for me to you know even be in a relationship because I was just acknowledging other like attractions that would come in yeah I had this weird thing that if somebody like showed interest in me that if I didn't in some way acknowledge it or return it even like it just like a hug or like a swanky face or a smile or something then then like I was like letting them down somehow or something so I think I still have a lot to learn in that space it's also very difficult as a performer I think so I think that you guys are in a completely different difficult I've never gotten attention in the same way that you guys get attention so I don't know how I would feel if dick was thrown in my direction you know and the frequency that you know you guys get it will you learn from you learn from guys like there are faithful dudes you know you learn from like Greg Fitzsimmons a lot of the redheads Bilborough you know half agents - Steve Byrne oh yeah al Madrigal oh yeah like that they they're they're pretty you know Daniel day camp when it came to a monogamous guys yeah burn or although because they're married now that used to be players yeah you know mean and they have made a choice and but we you and I also know a lot of guys that don't do that that are just straight [ __ ] hitchhikers yeah I do think though that men and women need to get that out of their system yeah and especially women just as many dudes as you can so it's getting out of your sister and some of its like you know these days it's almost like you don't end up with someone to that you want to have a partner that it's like you guys can raise a family if you're having a family like some people they get married it's all based on sensuality it's nice huh and then they but then that goes away and then then up you know they have two kids and they're divorced and it's like you know it's definitely interesting to figure out what ingredients need to be in a relationship for you know for you to be then parents and then it's their never adjust the same ingredients for every relationship we're because I think that Bobby and I are little atypical mm-hmm and what works for us certainly might not work for somebody else or the cat the we're very brutally honest and some people find that really uncomfortable that we he shares pictures with prostitutes that he's been with with me yeah you know he's like look at this is when I [ __ ] us around the motel and it doesn't really faze me that might not work for other people that kind of just transparency they call it being very clear photos around my house like if you're looking drawers you'll just see me with like oh yeah and like really seedy places on my shoulder yeah maybe with I have wings on you know I mean I'm gonna mountain top I have a real I've done some crazy fields thank you dude anyway that's a great Valentine's I gotta eat man the slep King wait Queens so much to have I love you so much hey what are you gonna come on our soon oh come on Excel yeah am i one day I think so you're Monday it'll be great but you know I'm good good to see you again too happy Valentine's Day I Love You Man holla thank you yeah thank you [Music] little town for me to sell that parking brake and let myself [Music]

Channel: Theo Von

Views: 1,720,986

Keywords: theo von, this past weekend, tpw, brendan schaub, kats, king and the sting, bryan callen, below the belt, the fighter and the kid, tfatk, chris delia, joe rogan, joe rogan experience, jre, tigerbelly, bobby lee, joey diaz, theo von this past weekend, theo von podcast, Theo Von This Past Weekend, Theo Von New Episode, Theo Von Podcast, khalyla, tpw 174, this past weekend 174, podcasts, forrest gump

Id: HCR8iTpGG8E

Length: 96min 3sec (5763 seconds)

Published: Thu Feb 14 2019

Reddit Comments

[u/sumeetg]

Yellow mirror... Lost my shit.

[u/rices4212]

Polynesian

Hush

Puppy?

Jesus Theo the things that come out of your mouth

[u/GrapeRello]

Are you asleep or awake right now?

[u/spotH3D]

Theo and Bobby are my favorite two pod casters easily. I love these 2.

[u/Fuckaroo]

There's a man with a feather over there...

[u/[deleted]]

Yellow mirror....gold.

[u/HarryBushko]

Well this just made my day.

[u/Phumos]

Theo may have been caught with a boner towards the end there

[u/lakeboobiedoodoo]

I couldn't wait for the youtube version to go live so I already listened to this one without the vid =(