ULTIMATE Best of Sassy Holt | Brooklyn Nine-Nine

[Music] okay [Music] lunch hello Raymond you're looking old and sickly so nice of you to greet us Madeline I thought surely you'd still be crushed under that house in Munchkin land Sticks and Stones Raymond describing your breakfast do you want a president who struggled Against All Odds to create this great organization or do you want a great nothing who struggled against nothing odds to create nothing yes congratulations on moving on to the second round said I sarcastically needless to say I'm thoroughly underwhelmed huh from your expression I would have guessed constipated or chili where is my dog aren't you standing right next to him this [ __ ] please the only thing you won last Heist was a lifetime of mediocre heterosexual intercourse with Jake uh Fanboy stuff is a little much the only thing that's a little much around here are you are scrawled on eyebrows yeesh coat coat jacket coat is this a police precinct Turkish Bazaar no photos of Watch Perfect Girls vampires don't appear on film perhaps we should be looking for a 17th century wood block print I miss this place huh little cheddar is a skew well they made yourself at home didn't you Jefferson if she asks me then yes I suppose I will have to blow your spider right up motorcycles are death machines I have three kids I'm not risking it are you saying my life matters less because I don't conform to society's heteronormative child-centric ideals are you really playing the gay card right now yes Queen you sir are snake skin so you can keep your box of deception and leave me alone it's a box of shapes and it contains only the truth and this beautiful handcrafted card of a turkey wearing a top hat it's a Pilgrim's hat where's the Buckle Santiago I'm sorry Evan I've been bursting in a song enough for you lately would you like me to click my heels together or skip like a school child yes to all of that betraying the FBI is one thing but sarcasm Bob wow but this is clearly zumaski and that's a good thing you can finally say goodbye to your Nemesis thanks Sergeant that's a nice thought for an idiot to have antaria is intelligent and inquisitive with a bold personality a bold personality we know where that's code for she's a [ __ ] and do you Kevin yes and do you yes yes we do we're married I remarked afterwards that I wish the old fish and had been more efficient it was very funny I bet you feel real good about calling her dancing a hobby huh sarcasm the cowards lie that's a code a code exciting I'll go get my pencil case I bet it's a room number third floor fifth room room 305. that's definitely it oh great great great Santiago has solved it I don't know where Garibaldi is all right it's not like we were close I was just his trainer at the gym then why were you always going out to dinner with him was he doing reps of linguine noise I have to admit I'm impressed I'm sorry to disappoint you Madeline I know you'd hope we failed oh no I couldn't be happier wait why would you say that and why aren't you clenching your little red hands at anger I don't know why you're telling me I'm not involved you made that very clear I'm the right director to bring your vision of Maxwell Blaze to life what does that even mean it means you blew it Walker wage efforts walk away the best name I ever brought in was narrow shoes Sam because his shoes were narrow and his name was Sam I get it yeah you get it well done now get me Madeline and a bucket of water it's time to melt a witch come in Diaz how'd you know it was me the restrained knock everyone else in his office plays my door like it's a marimba the other day Jeffords gave it three Taps and two wraps is he drunk one can only assume did we take too much cold medicine not by a long shot Balthazar is a thirsty [ __ ] deputy chief one she's here to see you oh please stay Diaz I need a witness in case her head starts spinning around or she turns into a she-wolf hello Raymond no flaccid rejoinder hmm what's going on I'm here on important business I'm a front runner for a job in the Boston PD Boston but it's so close to Salem you do know what they do to witches up there don't you this is amazing Microsoft Word is not a special skill Marcy Lux from South Orange you would take the losers side Jeffrey you [ __ ] trash talk okay I don't like this I'm gonna go I can't let those innocent pups into that mad house Terry won't do you like that I understand just know you have disappointed all three of us so here's how I see this going down you plead for your job back I refuse you start weeping like a war Widow does that sound about right don't count your gross fish babies before they've hatched Madeline is that a promise or just another lollipop that no one's ever gonna lick you could have had a chopper Raymond why don't you take advantage just a minute my cauldron's boiling over oh fun Terry's playing the flute at work who are you William it's two-thirds of you switch one-third if you don't the probability locks in when you make the choice we've been over this eight times seven times now you can't even do simple addition you get nothing you lose good day sir shared out hell you looking for Al of course we're looking for Al you imbecile and he's not a doctor he's a pharmacist although that might appeal to Anne you were behind all this you played me like cross blueheim plays the flute or maybe you just should participate so this really isn't about helping out Sergeant Jefferson I guess I'm out no no come on of course I'm 100 in support of Terry in fact I'm gonna team up with it let's do this you are so easily manipulated now you're stuck with Sergeant dumb dumb days oh Clement Kevin clam it I can't wait to eat your food oh it is revolting I I hate to think of all the great cartoons Humanity missed out on because Einstein was just too busy Reinventing physics okay I'll cancel the class I mean who needs relativity when we could have had Einstein's take on lasagna eating cats I said I canceled did he hate Mondays we'll never know okay I'm going I'm going Captain lunch good to see you but if you're here who's guarding Hades well thank you Raymond I just happen to be in the neighborhood that I check on your progress um we have a solid lead suspicious online behavior from someone using I've come to ask for your help the commissioner will be oh moment savored so where were we look Gina is that a talking raisin no I know why you refer to this as a Suicide Squad Peralta because I already want to kill myself why don't you wait a week you'll probably die of old age the only way I'm gonna die is if you touch me with one of your bony fingers and drag me across the river sticks you Reaper how dare you disobey me come on sir it was a good tip and we're trying to catch a serial killer well then let's see this tip this groundbreaking tip that threatens to blow the case wide open okay I know this tone Here Comes Petty Holt nah [ __ ] I'm not being petty you just said nah [ __ ] show me the tip mama is everything okay over here yes couldn't be better because I destroyed you both what the hell I thought you said this wasn't about winning I did say that so you would go slower and I would win which is what happened competitive as we are absurd I'm more competitive now who's the bomb do you have a boyish face and a big Goofy grin it's like being yelled at by a children's cereal mascot what's your story behind a PB J I want a sandwich I make a sandwich I eat the sandwich you can't leave us I'm not going anywhere Madeline's not some Invincible succubus she's a regular succubus is that how you plan on sitting leaning back like a matinee goer Madeline will eat you alive hello deputy chief wunch you've aged say to the dealer well this has been fun but I'm sick of playing with little Widow babies is there a table for people who wear big boy pants Kelly won't tell me anything he won't even meet with me perhaps you can sneak in disguised as an old leather chair and what do you hope to get out of this Madeline let me guess revenge on Dorothy for killing your sister before we quote unquote Barry pimento we need to quote-unquote open an investigation find a quote-unquote corpse and obtain a quote-unquote death certificate kind of feel like you could have just use air quotes I could also wear short pants and drink from a jug that says XXX never is not just a crater on Mars of course it is a greater romance that's hilarious it's not meant to be funny Boyle it's meant to be devastating go ahead and go out you Toad thank you for this honor deputy chief oh okay you're welcome lunch time is over boom did it headed both ways no regrets I heard you were out here really hate those Jets huh I'm not a child I don't need a bubble bath all you have to do is say a few nice comments during the memorial as God said when once tried to sneak past the gates into heaven it ain't happening honey but there won't be any wine where you're headed George I'll let you make it in a toilet toilet wine Santiago I'm on the phone I'm so sorry sir I can come back later no it's too late the call is ruined goodbye dear what do you want I was voted least friendly in high school and here I am a police captain do you know what Mr popularity Vincent Mondale is doing these days it's a sociologist for God's sake sociologist Terry oh goody gum drops I got her a parting gift tickets to Wicked in Boston she's moving to a second class City and I wanted to rub her nose in it enjoy the understudies Madeleine have fun watching some chubby Channel with knockoff and warble her way through popular I don't want to hear you bad mouthing my replacement around the office do it surreptitiously watch this I hear the new Captain's A Pill Popper they're on their way up everyone hide your pills I'm mad because you tried to get me thrown off the force yeah because you shot me I shot you because you were in the wrong position you weren't following orders what about the time you destroyed my personnel file while I was undercover what if there'd been a mole you were trying to make me disappear you embarrassed me in front of Derek Jeter you embarrassed yourself in front of Derek Jeter you ever want to do business again my door is always open well you should close it lest you get mods that's not all I dipsticked Mr fit or shall I call you by your real name Mr FIB I meant we have to fight her we're not gonna fight her she's the devil and you don't Dance with the Devil because you get burned also because in Madeline's case she has no rhythm and her hands are like little Red Claws we're getting off track here no we're not dog Peralta's just trying to play the sympathy card so we all go easy on him I'd rather send you back to prison than see you win no problem at all this is important also Kevin's friend Margo's here and she's a real class a drip okay everyone I have some news so Madeline once is a Korean toilet ghost boring we already knew that sleep sleep you ugly morons what do you think these dinosaurs are talking about where to find Matlock reruns be professional Gina like the Home Care nurses who will tuck them into bed tonight I just want to introduce you to our new assistant manager Larry sherbert son of a [ __ ] you and Scully are giving campaign speeches in the briefing room tomorrow what sir permission to arrest Diaz for being a jerk permission to shoot Santiago for being a coward stop it both of you now you've done it you've made me turn my chair okay I'm sure you'd like to take some weight off your clothing hubs calling me the devil how original Raymond actually I was calling you a goat you goat the night shift stinks stinks like a butt what is this why are we meeting in the bathroom super cool meeting spot don't I'm taking my time and reading deliberately and you know what they say slow and steady wins the race classic reg reader bullcrap you can't what are you gonna say next that you read to relax probability doesn't kick in we're about to teach you college level statistics I don't know do I have to teach you high school statistics do I have to teach you 8th grade statistics do I have to teach you seventh grade statistics do I have to teach you no if you'll excuse me detectives I need to leave him a Sly voicemail about kindergarten statistics now due to the sensitive subject matter I think it makes sense the partner Peralta with me because I'm the best at sex no his [ __ ] in fact you know what this isn't your week why don't you take a few days off sweet just that you can be a bit judgmental what a stupid thing to say name one time when I've been judgmental okay that's a stupid thing to say oh I see FM radio yeah Sergeant Jefferson suggested that it would improve morale if we started the meeting with some consensual non-work jabber I just said it might be nice if you checked in on the squad's personalized every now and then exactly jabber it's gonna be hard to hear anything once I've crushed you into a fine powder a fine powder that will choke you until you die as one says when she sees deodorant I'm not buying it are you playing the muffin man or the garbage man huh do you know the garbage man because I do because I'm looking right at him again five six seven eight my lady left me my lady stayed come on Sir focus on the good you can hold your head up you took the high road with lunch not entirely when I was alone in our office I changed her autocorrect now when she types lunch it gets replaced with Bud much like Sisyphus condemned to push the same boulder up the same Hill day in and day out you know according to French philosopher Albert Camus Sisyphus achieve happiness in that absurd repetition any French philosophy post Russo is essentially a magazine the rube son of a [ __ ] okay I misjudged that one oh what did he do to you Gertie what did he do he was an accident sir yes an accident the buffoon's apology this is your fault Mister interesting Charles do you feel that's the case um your car is pretty far over the line so kind of your fault too that's the blame the buffoonery is endless life for one think you're perfect for each other I feel like there's going to be more because you're both losers there it is none of you stand a chance against me no courage no patience no brains and of course a bald old man I'm younger than you no come back for the bald thing I see [Music] oops a few more questions for you doctor doctor oh it's funny when people call dentist Doctor we are doctors we do four years of medical school it's called dental school but we learned about the entire body but if you had cancer you can call a dentist you know it's actually harder to get into dental school than medical school because there are fewer dental schools because most people want to become actual doctors that's ridiculous it's not like we're College professors calling ourselves doctors not the same thing my friend sure it is when someone has a heart attack on a plane did they yell out yo does anybody here have an art history PhD a PhD is a doctorate it's literally describing a doctor maybe let's refocus no the problem here is that medical practitioners have co-opted the word doctor I know we live in a world where anything can mean anything and nobody even cares about apparently that's a trigger for me yeah there's no proof that giggle pig is a serious problem so we're just supposed to wait until it turns into an epidemic you're like a League of Nations in 36 just hoping the Abyssinian Crisis resolves itself that's the lesson you draw from the fall of Addis Ababa Raymond you sound so naive and you sound just like Victor Emmanuel III and while you celebrated McCreary put my watch back in my pocket the watch never left my person how many cover phones are you holding right now zero it's one button none son why'd you stop playing garbage man I need some water what you need to do is keep practicing garbage man I don't have any more saliva and I don't have any more time for your excuses garbage man now play I couldn't torpedo her promotion just saying it brims my soul with joy but to do so would mean that she stays here in New York City hanging over me like an albino bat on the other hand if I praise once she will leave the city the clouds will park and the children will sing when she's gone what children all the children right that was a stupid question how do you like my new office 20th floor yes I never thought I'd see you this high without a broom under you what does that human blister one now does she intend to demote me even further or perhaps she'll transfer me to the swamps of New Jersey so I can Patrol the sinkhole where she was spawned hello Raymond Madeline I wondered why all the birds had suddenly stopped singing what brings you I heard you were under investigation by Internal Affairs didn't want to miss that so much time with your ear to the pavement it's a pity a truck hasn't run over your head oh I love cone Duty pediatric this money will do those kids a lot of good Cry Me a River Brenda from Yonkers we've all had budget cuts all right all right I see you it was a good game though 4A dumbass okay you're kind of overusing that one maybe switch it up a little bit oh good note to you dick that landed good why would once fake her own death same reason she visits Mexico once a year and sucks the blood from all the goats for kicks what is happening right now the last Sands are running through The Hourglass because your time is running out and you are never going to get the plan my only question is are you sure your old ass eyes are up to the challenge I know you're just trying to motivate me but these old ass eyes will be reading your tombstone son all right the email contains a link to a video I'm going to play it brace yourselves if it shows Madeleine be sure not to look directly into her eyes because we'll Turn to Stone no because her eyes are ugly hello Raymond surprised to see me well I didn't say Bloody Mary three times so yes when did she record this judging by the Flames around her it could be a live stream very good Rosa pardon me I put a recording device in this dope drive so I got your whole conversation you're going to leave my precinct and my task force alone or else you were lunch meat you sure you want to go with that one absolutely it's hilarious is this your new assistant John Urban nice to meet you and John Urban it's just been fired what I have maybe yeah you just abbreviated a one-syllable word is this for real yes now clean out your desks I removed the K so you'd understand how absurd es sound I bet it was the van driver you mean the woman who was thrown violently from the vehicle and just barely survived yeah I'm sure she was very badly injured sorry if my voice is raspy they just took the breathing tube out but they left a BS in good God whoa you're a terrible father what you've been asleep at the wheel man what have you done to cultivate his incredible mind I read to him every night Shakespeare tall story no nothing that advanced dear God so are you reading him Dickens it's not like I was the only one who thought it was fake and the Oscar goes to rents they're not allowed to do that it's against the rules it's also against the rules to let a pile of worms wear a uniform and yet here you stand Raymond of course you have beaten me to the gym you live life right it's amazing work out your legs Jeffrey not your mouth once is dead Bagel bago bago sir I am loving this color on you but don't you think you should tone it down why in case I run into a family I'm not planning any trips to the Bronx Zoo Cagney and Lacey's recorder concerts in an hour and I promise no one leaves until the culprit is brought to justice but they're playing Uptown funk I wouldn't care if they were playing actual music chatter you duplicitous [ __ ] I will never trust Madeleine once she's a venomous snake waiting to strike and you know what we do to snakes shove their heads off remove the skin turn them into boots don't be absurd who would want troll skin boots you just said she was a snake the Devil comes in many forms for a moment there I almost forgot who the real villain was the woman who recently died [Music] foreign

Channel: Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Views: 839,238

Keywords: Brooklyn Nine-Nine, brooklyn 99, b99, Stephanie Beatriz, Rosa Diaz, Jake Peralta, Andy Samberg, Detective Charles Boyle, Melissa Fumero, Detective Amy Santiago, Detective Jake Peralta, NBC, Terry Jeffords, Amy Santiago, Sitcom, Chelsea Peretti, Andre Braugher, Gina Linetti, Terry Crews, Joe Lo Truglio, captain holt, brooklyn 9 9, sassy holt, hot damn, captain holt best moments, brooklyn nine nine, best of holt, raymond holt best moments, best of captain holt

Id: kZ_cyQg0QDA

Length: 20min 54sec (1254 seconds)

Published: Thu Apr 27 2023