Try Not to Laugh | Superhero Jokes | Laugh Factory Stand Up Comedy

hi you know my grandma's just unnecessarily races it you can't watch TV like you want to you know saying turn that damn TV off like what the [ __ ] is Superman I don't give a damn I don't like them [ __ ] he's a white man with too much power like the cutest kid I ever taught was the smallest he was three and a half the others were four four and a half five and he had a very strong Mexican accent which is very charming because when a child has an accent other than your own it's like you're talking to a real live Muppet so a couple years ago the day before Halloween he comes up to me and he says Yosh because that's how you say Josh with a strong Mexican accent the J's become wise and I don't quibble or complain because I like the arrangement the Mexican people and I have with burritos and I don't want to jeopardize that in any way [Laughter] so he says yo should I say Jess and he says I am going to be Batman because he's three and he thinks that's a job you can have so you mean like when you grow up and he goes hey Zeus Chris don't know I mean like right now I am Bruce Wayne but later when I put on my outfit that I am Batman so cute right next day Halloween comes in in his bat suit just happy as a clam flexing till the middle of the day I see him he just crouched in the corner looking sad by himself and go what's wrong dude and he stands up and I can see that he'd wet his pants that's what I said guys I was like oh no did Batman have a little accident and he goes no Bruce Wayne peed in my outfit I recently ruined my nephews birthday party because I'm an adult and I use logic and he's seven birthday party and I was like what do you want your birthday party to be and here's I I wanted to be superheroes and I was like great I didn't talk to girls in high school I want to be Incredible Hulk and I was like slow down two things need to happen for you to become a superhero all right Hulk is not a superhero here's why these two things I need to happen one in you start off like a regular loser to something awesome happens to you now you have all these cool powers and your life is clearly better right for example spider-man is Peter Parker's his high school nerd people hit this lunch out of his hands shove him into lockers really disrespectful to this guy even though is super good at math all right and he gets bit by this special spider right now he can shoot webs out of his hands he his neighborhood crime watch in his head he does have to work glasses anymore he got free LASIK guys his girlfriend's a 12 out of a 10 that is a clear art all right his life is benefited in all avenues and it put it give you an example of what's going on here The Incredible Hulk is this genius scientist Bruce Banner it's already killing it in the science game he's two my parents would be really proud of this guy he gets in no radioactive accident now whenever he gets angry he turns into a giant green dumbass Oh smash how about who could get a GED you're embarrassing everyone here how sad are you when you have to go meet other superheroes like when he has to go meet the Avengers and there to talk about their powers like he's talking to Thor and Captain America and it's like Oh what do you do ah I'm Captain America I'm like a military super soldier I killed some people you may have heard of them the Nazis a great head of hair I have a hammer and I'm a god who are you me I'm just like a I'm like a scientist first and foremost it's like mostly a scientist and when I get angry I turn into like a giant green doofus [Applause] just you know just like go around my community destroying public property no regards for anyone's personal welfare and I'll just wake up like several hours later like naked in the woods sorry I'm crying I've lost so many t-shirts for the new Batman movie yeah I like that man all right but he's a billionaire you can't think of a better way to fight crime than to put on black and punch people in the face at night why'd you start some Big Brothers programs you have said well just go to math camp Bruce you don't like that one so I want to see a little ghetto kids you know they be doing a math program with a math problem to be like oh man I can't I just can't I can't get this math problem man it's just you forgot to carry the two Batman why you helping me with my math programs right now what you help me with my math problems startled have to butcher your face in two years stared straight beat scantron sheets and number-two pencils of course the black look look Black Panthers my favorite movie I've ever seen in my life I didn't watch it but I'm gonna tell you why didn't see it though so I've only got to see it once and it was at the premiere and honestly [ __ ] wouldn't shut up like they kept talking watch the movie I didn't end up watching it I didn't get to see it but I tell everyone it's my favorite movie cuz if you're black you know that's what you're supposed to say you love Black Panther you got to walk around so it's like Black Panther you got a black panther [ __ ] watch the Friday watch the boys in the hood watch the Black Panthers like the three movies here's the here's the thing I like black panther I think you should have won an Oscar I'm just came out this year she the only one who got it see the rest of us is like yeah he should've won an Oscar yo here here's what I always thought was interesting and I want to propose it to you sir in the interracial couple oh you do know you're white though and I'll explain to you so if we were in a car and a cop pulled us over and was like get on the floor [ __ ] you'd look at me like you better get on the floor like you you might know something like officer actually are you a kangaroo you wouldn't do no no plane the reason I brought up this was simple I want to say did you guys go watch Black Panther I know you did cuz I know you're not taking the white girl to see Black Panther cuz one thing the white girl to go to Inglewood you go to Inglewood and all the black girls looking at you like forever [ __ ] like it's awkward but what's more awkward what's more oh yeah yeah you just met I get a player play yeah yeah you saw the movie before you see it came out yesterday make it like what do you mean look let me explain something to you can't but I'm one of you bro I'm not one of her you can tell her [ __ ] like no I just need to use your credit minor construction I know the truth I just like that what's more awkward what's more awkward if you took her to watch Black Panther in Compton or if you went with her white family to watch get out [Applause] weird like because of Black Panthers like but Connor forever but him get out it's like when the Sun please happens and if her father reach I was like hey Jamal my favorite superhero has to be like--just there's so many superheroes not all the new ones but my favorite one has to be the first one Superman is a reverse one and I didn't see the new movie but remember the old the first movie Superman movie ever there was always this this guy when Superman came flying there was this guy who always was like is he the bird is it a plane no it's Superman that always happened guy was like that so I started to wonder like how often the same guy was like is it a bird yeah [Laughter] it's a bird yeah and I think that had to happen like way more because if you calculate it's like there's so many more bird then there are super many so every five minutes the guys like and it's quite how can the guy not even distinguish between a bird and a plane like I've never made that mistake I think is it a bird is it a kite is it a helicopter how bad is your eyesight I hope that guy never goes hunting okay maybe the bird no no it's my dog don't okay so there's this five-year-old kid dying of leukemia he was a big Jewish kid right and his dying wish was to be Batman for one day I don't know why that would be your wish I'd wish for here but hey he's five right wishes to be Batman for a day the whole city of San Francisco rallies behind this kid right people come out into the streets dude donated his Lamborghini they painted it black like the Batmobile he fought a dude dressed up as the Joker right he drove the Batmobile to City Hall the mayor of San Francisco gave him the keys in the city Thank You batkid we couldn't have done it without you yeah that's right he was on the front page of the San Francisco Chronicle says batkid saves the day I was like really I mean technically the adults kind of set the whole thing up but I will give it to you and it was this amazing moment for Humanity but then I read up more about this kid miles and it turns out he beat leukemia so he's just gonna live and I feel bad for his parents cuz what are they gonna do for his sixth birthday you set the bar at Caped Crusader he had to die you can't just give him a bike the next year like oh here you go miles it's a huffy where's the Batmobile mom but a buxom mo real like you had to die you understand he ate way too early you know that right he's gonna do normal human things and it's gonna pale in comparison to bat day he's gonna have sex for the first time and it's gonna suck the girls gonna be like did it feel good miles not as good as justice not as good as avenging your parents death Garret shared miles call me Batman I may not be the hero you want but I am the heir of Gotham City ace I call you Regina Gotham City Amy come back Amy let me rattle the cages I don't know enough information about either subject to take a stance when nerds debate each other like I think The Dark Knight Rises is a good movie but every time I say that in public nerds that I don't even know will be line it right at me and they come at me with this nerd confidence when the hell that start becoming a thing nerds and anybody who starts a sentence with will actually that's a [ __ ] nerd who's attempting to really day by proving you wrong and this dirt comes out I swear to god I think the Dark Knight Rises good movie and he comes at me and he's like well actually the director failed to realize that if Bane can't take his mask off how does he eat what is that real that's why you didn't like the movie you want to watch Bane eat there's nothing but chaos going on in that entire movie what are you saying it after they blow up the bridges and then kidnap Batman and break his back put him in that prison oh the movie would be ten times better if they cut to a scene where Bane is at a Denny's eating a Grand Slam you [ __ ] idiot just sitting in a booth with eight of his cronies he's got the mask pushed up to his forehead like these eggs are delicious brothers are cholesterol Rises but now every time I watch The Dark Knight Rises I'm sitting on my couch going well [ __ ] how does he eat goddamn nerds [Music] [Applause] [Music]

Channel: Laugh Factory

Views: 1,438,512

Keywords: laugh factory, best stand up comedy, stand up comedy, funny, Laugh, stand up, standup, Los Angeles, Hollywood, comic, comedian, hilarious, la, los angeles comedy, la comedy, Batman, Superman, Spiderman, Superhero, Comic Book, Hulk, Jamar Neighbors, Josh Gondelman, Asif Ali, Ed Greer, Tehran, Ismo, Hasan Minaj, Kane Holloway

Id: mdRPLyJvQ8U

Length: 15min 10sec (910 seconds)

Published: Fri Jun 01 2018