Fun Tax Write-Offs | Trump Falls Asleep In Court | Billy Joel’s CBS Concert Cutoff

ladies and gentlemen welcome one and all to The Late Show I'm your host Stephen colar and it is people are excited because it is tax day and if you haven't filed yet you have 21 minutes good luck there's a lot of confusion about what you can and cannot claim as deductions as there is every year on the Washington Post has compiled some of the things folks tried to write off and there are a few doozies for example one client wanted to deduct the cost of doggy treats and toys at their office because it was their business mascot turns out that is not allowed they have to be employees that's why I just gave my dog Benny a full-time job as The Late Show accountant yep he's down on 10 down on eight where is he down there that makes his treats 100% tax deductible okay that's not just me saying it I ran that by my new accountant let's see what else is uh you guys been watching the news yeah what else is what else is happening today oh there's a fun little story from the Smile file Donald Trump became the first former president to go on criminal trial look for know go we'll get there we got an idea the official the official name of the trial is the people of the state of New York versus Donald Trump the people of the state of New York that's us okay hold on hold on I know you're excited but don't cheer too loud we need you to get picked for jury duty this morning Donald Trump walked into the courthouse to face Justice for his alleged illegal hush money payments to Stormy Daniels this is an historic moment we will all tell our grandchildren about very carefully well uh there was a president who met a special actress for let's say grown-up movies at a celebrity golf event and invited her over for a play date because his wife was too busy to play cuz she had a new baby and the actress gave him a friendly Pat on on the bottom with a magazine about money with his photo on it and then they shared a special unprotected hug then he gave her a present so she wouldn't tell anyone that his bathing suit area was shaped like Toad from Mario Kart oh oh oh oh what else what else what else what else oh oh and he was leading in the poles once the uh once the trial got underway reporters noticed that Trump appeared to notd off a few times his mouth going slack and his head drooping onto his chest in fact his lawyer passed him notes for several minutes before Trump appeared to jolt awake and notice them oh my God I was having the most terrible dream that I had to read something oh no that the dream was real but if it's real then where's the hamburger with boobs now before before the jury selection even started this morning prosecutors argued that Trump had violated his gag order and asked judge merchan to hold Trump in contempt for criticizing potential Witnesses in social media posts asking him to find Trump $3,000 only 3K but I guess that's on brand for Trump KKK this trial what what thing is this trial could go on for months but Trump still has a presidential campaign to run his team claims that even on some Court days Trump will hold both in-person and virtual events that's going to make for some awkward trial moments your honor can we wrap this up please because I am laid for a rally where I call for your execution if it please the court oh speaking of [Music] which Speaking of which on Saturday Trump held a rally in Pennsylvania in a little town called Schnecksville I was told there would be shnacks I look around not even popcorn unless unless that building over there is made of gingerbread Eric go give it a good lick Trump told the crowd he was not looking forward to his day in court on Monday in New York City I will be forced to sit fully gagged I'm not allowed to talk could you believe it they want to take away my constitutional right to talk first of all it's freedom of speech not right to talk and never in a trial that's how it works for everyone it's not political persecution if you have to follow the rules I went to a baseball game I had to sit there Eden hot dogs didn't get to pitch one inning they took away my constitutional right to be a bell iter Hey Bada Trump's brain hey b b hey b hey Trump's brain didn't seem to be working too good here he is trying to talk I think about immigration just this week it was reported that an illegal Al if then and you just look at this what's happening Alin Alin it's a perfectly good word nothing to worry about there we all know that word from the iconic action movie adthan verbus Predator adthan wow wow juicy juicy because Trump was in uh Pennsylvania he took a moment to talk about local history Gettysburg what an unbeliev able battle that was the Battle of Gettysburg what an unbelievable I mean it was so much and so interesting and so vicious and horrible and so beautiful in so many different ways it it represented such a big portion of the success of this country Gettysburg wow I go to Gettysburg Pennsylvania to look and to watch what a what a stirring aor I look forward to Ken Burns updated documentary my dearest Martha wow today we fought at Gettysburg it was so much and so interesting and so vicious and so beautiful in so many ways but all worth it to protect every person woman man camera and future TV for as it says in the Declaration of Independence all men are endowed with certain rights that are unad [Music] inable unble Babble dable forget it I'm dead he uh thank you Ken thank you Ken Burns he he histed on the the statement of Robert E Lee who's no longer in favor did you ever noticed that no longer in favor never fight a pill me boys never fight a pill they were fighting uphill he said wow that was a big mistake never fight uphill me boys me boys does he think Roberty Lee was a pirate never fight up hill me boys or you'll walk the plank straight into daav Jones Plantation now grab your Cutlas and load the Cannons for we have to defeat the union Scallywags and their leader Captain Peg Lake Lincoln go well we're about a 100 days out from the Summer Olympics in Paris okay just in time I know don't get too excited because it's not on CBS just in time for some fresh controversy because Olympians are criticizing Nike for its new skimpy track and field women's uniforms okay let's take a look okay that's a high cut explains Nike's new slogan just ow front wedgie multiple female athletes have complained about the bikines bottoms with one long jumper commenting wait my hooa is going to be out it's true so this year you could literally win by a [Laughter] [Applause] hair wow I I didn't design the I didn't design them here's here's some folks and I'm I mean I'm hesitant to go into this because I'm a company man you know I love CBS but today I come to you with a heavy heart because shocking Scandal has hit the Tiffany Network last night for many viewers the broadcast of Billy Joel's Landmark 100th concert of his Madison Square Garden residency ended like this and the piano carival mic [Applause] live from CBS 4 this is your news now oh oh yeah I've got some breaking news last night a Long Island man was robbed why would they cut him off of that part of the piano man he was almost done he only had like 30 more verses Left plus it's a huge Cliffhanger at that part we know we know the microphone smells like a beer but what comes next sing us a song You're the OBO guy we don't know fans were understandably in a pissed off state of mind posting messages like hey at CBS WTF is this you cut off Billy Joel during Piano Man of all songs not balling not balling at all which is which is especially embarrassing for CBS News because their slogan is all the News That's fit to ball now usually I would never turn against my employer but American Icon Billy Joel is my best friend his words not mine which is why I'd like to address my colleagues right now hey CBS you had to be a big shot didn't you hey come on folks are at home come on no no no I'm not folks are at home just trying to enjoy TV in the middle of the night were you having a bad day or is it just the way you are I'm not the only one who has this opinion so does Harry Truman Doris Day red CH Johnny Ray so never do this again CBS or next time someone might just have aack we got a great show for you tonight my guests are Solon rushy and Shogun actor Anna saai but when we come back meanwhile join this one [Applause] [Music] [Applause] a [Music]

Channel: The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Views: 2,182,813

Keywords: The Late Show, Late Show, Stephen Colbert, Steven Colbert, Colbert, celebrity, celeb, celebrities, late night, talk show, comedian, comedy, CBS, joke, jokes, funny, funny video, funny videos, humor, hollywood, famous

Id: F5jbpJQ-Cbk

Length: 12min 8sec (728 seconds)

Published: Tue Apr 16 2024