Jerry Seinfeld HBO Debut - 1981

this this young comedian wrote this introduction to me he wrote and I'm quoting says dear dick dear Dickie dear Dickie will you please inform the audience that I am the bright young comedian you and your brother met in New York City in 1978 I don't remember you right young comedians in nineteen I'm at the 1962 I met a real bright young comedian right that doesn't matter to call now I recall this I recall this bright young comedian East he says to continue you guys said if you still had your TV show you would have used me but no you went and blew the whole thing and got your ass thrown off the air leaving me to slog along alone in the treacherous world of stand-up comedy now I remember him I want you to tell them you asked me on the show tonight so you could apologize in front of the whole nation sure do you feel like you're sure ladies and gentlemen ladies and gentlemen ladies and gentlemen it gives me great pleasure in apologizing for this next performance will you please welcome Jerry steiffel [Music] thank you very much thank you I love those guys don't you nice to be here tonight a pleasure to be here tonight it's a beautiful night I just got back to Los Angeles today I'm pretty excited about it nice weather we're having weather never changes here that much you notice that's always the same weather reports are always the same there we show you the same things on the weather because they don't really know so they try and cover it up they show you the maps highs lows fronts and then my favorite part the satellite photo this is really helpful a photograph of the earth from 10,000 miles away can you tell if you should take a sweater or not from that shot I gotta buy some pajamas you know you have to readjust a little bit pajamas have got to be the world's funniest clothes who designed them to look that way like a little tiny suit little collar button-down and a breast pocket there's a useful item is anybody using the breast pocket on your pajamas puttin put a pen in there you roll over in the middle of night you kill yourself now I also bought something that I had never in my life owned before you might not believe it slippers never had them never had slippers I'm looking at these things there's well basically it seems like two kinds you can get you can get the slide in these are like emergency slippers I guess you could set these up by the side of the bed case of a fire hate you pick them right up and down you know you can really save time with those or you can get these slippers which have backs kind of like shoes which if you have pajamas looks like a suit this completes the effect now you get yourself a flannel briefcase you're all set you oversleep go right into work there's no problem I bought some socks which I've had before but I'll tell you no you don't you don't inspect these articles as you buy them think about socks of all articles of clothing socks more drive more ambition than any other thing how many times you do a big launch when you go to the dryer you take out your socks you count them up one of them got out he escaped he took off on his own what are his chances out there I don't think they're good sometimes you see a dirty sock by their street did you ever see one just once the sock that didn't make it I don't know how they escaped they have their own ideas you know sometimes so to catch up sometimes they'll hang on a sweater that's like a freight car to them you know and they try and get out it's I'm very impressed with them you know what else is funny about socks they always give you that little when you're buying the little plastic hanger on the top I love that they always give that to you like you've got some use for it just go in the pajama pocket where does that go does anybody used the little hang or anybody have a tiny sock closet at home tiny little doors you slide them open take out what you're wearing the next day I don't know shopping it's a great challenge thank you little stray laughs they're building a new mall down here I know everyone's excited about it I'm a little tired of malls I don't know about you every mall is the same every mall has a piano store I have never seen anybody in there buying one you go to the mall you've got 20 bucks 30 bucks you get a book pair of shoes you ever seen anybody go hey boy leaves come one of those piano they're only a million dollars I like to go in the greeting card stores I think they're interesting because they kind of greeting cards really reflect you know what people are saying to each other the style of the greeting cards the communications there's a section now in every greeting card story I've been in lately where they have greeting cards with no printing on the inside though to maze I mean this is a comment no words no message nothing it's like hole marker saying hey we don't know what to tell her you think of something pal for 65 cents I want to get involved I don't know what you're doing over there then they have those greeting cards with the couples on the front of they photographed them you know these hazy focused people they're always having picnics there's always a tree a pond who are these people I don't know them I don't want them on my card either what am I gonna write inside there anyway here's another couple having a better relationship than us [Applause] so I went to the post office to get some stamps for the car this all fits together I was that the post office today that's that's the true thing and I'm winning online now what is the thing in the post office with the wanted posters on the walls you're standing there you're gonna mail a package they're showing you killers murderers thieves what do they want to do about it the post office right the guy do people rip these off the wall go up to the counter yeah give me a book of stamps in a search warrant I'm going after this guy I've had it up to here with his activities I'll tell you my main question about these wanted posters on the wall why didn't they hold on to this guy when they're taking his picture [Applause] what are you bothering us for amazing things like that that's that's what life is all about that's what my act it's all about amazing things I want to go to the Guiness Museum cuz I love the Guinness Book of World Records I love these amazing things great records that people set some of them not that you would want to have of you for yourself you know I mean have you ever seen that guys got the record for fattest man in the world Bob Hughes the fattest man in the world 1,400 pounds ladies and gentlemen the man has let himself go come on Bob have a salad here do something I used to feel bad talking about the guy you know what I mean I used to think maybe I would offend somebody in the audience but then I thought about it you could be in the audience you could weigh a thousand pounds and still go he's not talking about me this is a man with a serious weight problem I've got it under control but 1,400 it's just it's too much Bob wherever you are if you're in the world go on a diet take off a couple hundred pounds but you realize 200 pounds on this guy doesn't even make a dent and if you were a friend of his what would you say to him you know you look great Bob what are you down to 1200 now you're a rail baby and what would he possibly say back to you but you know I feel terrific thank you very much you know [Applause] [Music] [Music]

Channel: AditzaTheBrain

Views: 2,020,267

Rating: 4.7674108 out of 5

Keywords: Jerry, Seinfeld, HBO, Debut, 1981, Stand-Up, Standup, Comedian, Comic, Funny, Comedy

Id: LSZsDZ0k5AE

Length: 9min 37sec (577 seconds)

Published: Sat Dec 08 2007

Reddit Comments

[u/Jonnydrama09]

Great set. He is always so calm. The best thing about Jerry Seinfeld for me is that his jokes (on paper) are nothing groundbreaking, however only he can tell them like that. His delivery and confidence is fantastic. One of the greats

[u/Mysmokingbarrel]

Jerry is like Buddhist levels of calm. You may not like him. You may think hes overrated. Truly he couldn't care less. He only cares about what he thinks and perhaps what some of his fellow comedians think.

He is zen.

[u/erikthered90]

Cadence, subject matter and tone of voice sounds very similar to Larry David, no wonder they ended up working together.