Tim Allen Makes His First Appearance | Carson Tonight Show

[Applause] my next guest here is the uh here's the star of Home Improvement a new sitcom which is the only new show to make it into the top ten this year uh Tim Allen is a very popular stand-up comedian he's got a Showtime special premiering December the 7th and he will be appearing in concert the 16th of this month at the celebrity theater in Anaheim this is his first appearance with us on The Tonight Show would you welcome Tim Allen [Applause] [Music] hi there ah thank you for having me in nice to be here I I'm a Detroit native and uh which means I uh I like American cars my favorite this year is the sedan Dam DeVille that big front drive caddy you know what it aluminum horse saute aluminum engine 270 horse front drive leather guts big damp set and Damned available they make them good in Detroit but they don't care about ergonomics easy reach who cares you know you want to touch that radio at full speed and Sedan DeVille you better think about that move just a little bit Grandma thanks Grandma drives that Nana 90 years old still driving not a good thing uh I don't go with her I'd be foolish wouldn't it you wouldn't even know Nana's in the car unless you look close what did Grandma drive out of that driveway or what Knuckles and a blue head that's all you said I hate her I really do I hate her she's always bringing our casseroles no one ever eats a major casserole oh you shouldn't have Oysters and raisins great good idea it's from the old country would you save it what is this see that's my problem actually it's one of many I have my background I'm Irish and German which means we're just thin angry hungry people that's all we are oh the great Chefs of Ireland there's a thick book for you oh yeah Germans there are some good Cooks right there they can't shove it in animal casing they won't eat it you got the reason they were so War like these Nazi guys huh they weren't warlike they're just hungry they stood at the border of France and Italy going what the hell are they cooking over there my mother hated this attitude as well as she could she called us pigs Our Lives she said men are pigs men are pigs right too damn bad we own everything in it kidding a kid again women own a lot of stuff nowadays your potpourri Outlets yarn barns that sort of stuff two little pigs the end with all red butted baboons that's what you are all you do is poop and eat that's all you do don't you speak to me you little pigs you should grunt like little animals you are that's how my mother figured men should talk what's easier pass a turkey or Point hey it's a simple but effective language you're a little confused now you understand oh I want to see corporate grunting Robert stemple the new head of GM interested in 1991s my mother said men are only live for three reasons Lawn Care vehicle maintenance and tools [Applause] Sears Craftsman area my nipples get rock hard one thing I could never understand is duct tape you never leave a Sears without duct tape 90-foot of silver grill permacell us-made clock back duct tape but nobody knows what this stuff's for my motto is you can't fix it duck it why are men so into tools I'll tell you why right this minute shop class they made us go to shot class the industrial education teacher who kicked out the Marines for a bad attitude that guy huh Pete Bartholomew's Overcoat all that stuff why do you listen to shop teachers half of them are missing fingers am I wrong foreign watch that uh saber so it'll kick back on you haven't got Ken there I'm not kidding around I'll tell you that right now let me pass out those test papers there you go [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] that's funny yeah I told you it was easy ah well glad you told funny thing we're gonna take a break we're coming right back with him say we are what's happening with Tim Allen let me tell you let me tell them what you told me before the show because it's kind of interesting everybody thinks because somebody's a performer they never get nervous they came up with showing you said I'm nervous and I said why he said well they got me on a different schedule now you've done stand up for a long time but now you're doing the sitcom it changes the whole Rhythm doesn't it she's no kidding I I was telling you I went back we did a concert in Arizona and I actually was asking my my manager I said how do I segue from women into dog poo or whatever it was I was talking about I couldn't even remember he's going well I don't remember you you're the you're the pro here and I I they're all Dilly down around the Biltmore Hotel and I'm going well that's marvelous stuff well thanks very much and congratulations [Applause] [Music] [Applause] and congratulations on your show one in the top ten is about the only new show that's come out this season that is getting big numbers it's new for me because it says basically because the the crew that Matt Williams is producing the directors this John pasklin this John pass needs to kill me but these there are people that I don't know I'm I'm not really an actor I just play one on TV that's like that's what I tell America because I'm worth Patricia Richardson says my wife all these people are really they're actors and and one one time Patricia's looking at me in a scene and she started crying and I go stop the tape something's wrong with her and she's going Tim I'm acting right now oh oh yeah acting that's what you're doing I thought something was wrong no I did comedians generally and I don't say this because I I do a comedy I think most comedians are not bad actors because what you do is you react to things right you react to situations you know and that's basically what it is sometimes it's difficult because I'll go for the joke and they'll tell me that Tim you just wait you're just you're just buying your time to get to the stupid joke and I said I am because it was a stupid joke do you want it you want to get to the point I want to get to the punch line and sometimes through dialogue I lose I lose control because I'm not an actor I just play one I'm just playing one on TV now you do a home improvement show on the television then around the house you're not exactly uh Mr handy that's not rich how are you no how are you normally well forget the show how are you normally normally I'm all right you talked about duct tape probably one of the greatest inventions of all time I don't know why but it's like velcro it's like velcro yes those two things alone well it's duct tape duct tape you actually saw this barbed wire like Joan and Barbed Wire yeah and on the show once it was duct tape duct tape tape you can do everything with it anything my my wife is is quite intelligent sometimes we'll get into these arguments like I go you she forgot to put oil in the automobile the oil I said honey how long has the oil light been on WOW Ace didn't you think it was a buzzer she goes I thought if it was it was a warning should have a little speaker or something put oil in here so we get these constant arguments about men's rolls and women's roles and one time I tried to vacuum a man's way you know no matter what I did you know I had a tool belt I had the crevice Tools in there women's vacuums they don't pick up anything a same bobby pin [Music] and then what do you do you reach down you'll pick it up look at it put it back foreign [Applause] so what I figured is I got more power in this thing I got an old Chevy V6 out of the garage and I put it on it back that'll suck the eyes out of the parrot now and then even women they don't even care she comes in sees I've done the vacuum and she goes well where are the vacuum tracks because that shows it was clean as well I covered also the Indians wouldn't follow me to the kitchen honey dusting I don't understand it all you got to do is move a thing if you lift up a little device underneath the thing there's no dust that's right why move everything just duct tape the small articles down fire up the leaf blower nut big car nuts yeah the biggest thrill I've had since this this hoopla over what I'm doing the Chrysler folks called me up and said would you drive a new Dodge Viper no through La they go they asked uh Jay Leno Leno I think it's Leno yeah anyway to ask Jay Leno and I ended up driving around with Wolfgang Puck who has this fancy dance restaurant here right he's the nicest guy car guys all relate to the same at the same level no matter what they do that's how Men's Day how do you do you know instead of saying nice suit you say geez as a matter of fact you do have nice wheels on your car right which is my way of saying well your eyes are clear today and I got to drive this Dodge Viper around Los Angeles this is the wildest car and to be to drive around and have people in Mercedes and uh Lamborghinis pump and go what the heck is that this is Dodge they went isn't that company out of business I loved him it's a fabulous Experience car oriented oh love cars we have to take a break we're coming back say where you are buddy guys here [Music] we were talking about duct tape right you know what I use instead of a tie Tech duct tape of a little two-way piece of well that's double stack that's carpet tape put it on there that's a little different that's carpet tape keep your tie down you know all of that stuff don't you I am into this hook and needle hook and needle yeah I'd make this stuff up as I go along I don't know are you are you more male or male show what do you think of the family house feminism going on well somebody said it was almost dead people go no no that's Johnny Carson care of NBC right I I view myself I grew up with seven boys and two girls and I view myself as a masculinist masculinist I'm just into men things you know uh Gunk gasket sealer lava soap on a robe WD-40 bass fishing blowing your nose like this hey Bob [Applause] I just met only a man with a garage of the train yeah I'd like one of those honey and why I put hubcaps I have a John Deere 160. stream come true oh you gotta know it tiller on the back of it hey I got head lice in case I want to mow that thing at night you know I put hubcaps on a tractor I didn't think my wife would notice she was 122 bucks well spent to a man home and she's going did you put hubcaps on the tractor uh yeah I guess I did why I don't know men accessorize different you know chrome wheels to a man gotta have him on a car right a woman it's a fur cup fur coat some women she wants to get a fur coat she figures she'd do a Doris Day I'm naked underneath thing you know I come home you know and she goes I'm a man I go where'd you get that coat like like she's gonna buy me a Ferrari if I drive a buck naked in there [Applause] a hardware stores Must Die to see you coming if you're going to those big departments I mean hardware stores I did a I did when I first got the ABC or Disney and ABC picked me up I mean it was just so weird to have all this action to meet all these these up yups at Disney that are very nice men Jeffrey katzenberg and Michael Eisner right personal friends of mine sure Jeffrey and uh you know the Mike eister you know and uh they said I got the show I'm back in Michigan where I live and and I they said you buy I live here that's Michigan he always said yeah Michigan I wonder what Florida would look like never mind you know so don't you dare we have to leave we have to leave don't get in save it for the next time okay yes we have to tomorrow night George Burns will be here filmmaker Barry Levinson the songs of Patricia cash thanks for being thank you Tim good luck with the show [Applause] [Music]

Channel: Johnny Carson

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Id: Bmv8LFYG8es

Length: 13min 15sec (795 seconds)

Published: Wed Oct 26 2022