TikTok's That Keep Me Up At Night

hello everybody and welcome back to my youtube channel or welcome to my youtube channel i'm call me chris you can call me chris i'm gonna explain this real quick okay short story i was in the kitchen okay cooking away basically gordon ramsay and i had a very sharp chef's knife first mistake and i was cutting an avocado as everyone cuts an avocado you know rolling it around and then i split through the pit i split through the pit you understand what i'm saying and i blood brother cut my friggin palm and then blood started gushing everywhere eight stitches later and a nice wrap job and i am in a lot of pain right now and here we are but you know what we're still gonna make a video because i am committed to you because you're beautiful i missed your face yeah you're looking good today by the way looking real good girl you i'm sorry okay let's uh watch some tick tocks [Music] sometimes when we're closing and there's still kids in the back i like to try and scare them so i'll like hide back here oh my god i want to work with you i don't know who you are but we would do great things together we'd scare all the children prank calling with ben are you no i remember using that app i don't know if anybody else had the ben app it's like this dog and it just talks i gotta stop moving this hand bro it's bullshitting so bad okay we get back to the videos back paula starlight space flavored are you kidding me space flavored what would that taste like i feel like you need to be under the influence to figure that out for real which i haven't been because i'm innocent and abstinent every time i'm in the kitchen you in the kitchen the kid is in the kitchen that's like kevin everywhere i go doesn't matter he just thinks that i'm always gonna and you know what to his benefit of the doubt i am almost always carrying food and i almost always drop it for him so maybe it's my fault am i the drop guys my hand hurts so bad called me into work yeah oh his hair when i get there i'ma shake all this on her face like a wet dog as you should his head looks like a goddamn snowball oh my god i just wanna but i won't i promise i'm sorry hobby lobby who if this isn't a call me chris five minute craft if i've ever seen one duct tape and a clothes hanger that has me written all over it maybe another clothes hanger that's a little dark i'm sorry michael's framing shop who it's a nice frank people actually pay money for this wait did he buy that from a store or did he make that if he bought that from a store you're making bad purchases sir but if you made that bravo that's a problem that is how my mother gave me back my mail i said hey rachel um where's my important tax return document that you were picking up let me get that let me hold it let me put it back in my room she's like oh yeah confidently i'm confused you're going to jail i don't i don't understand all i understand is that you call your mother by her first name i would die if i said hey kara i would just instantly be shaking hands with jesus i'd be like hey what are you doing here my mom would have shot me in the head with 22 instantly you don't get more random than my blog they left a little piano for me right here so i go play you think it's not connected wrong but at least you can play piano man boy do i feel like crap even though i look gorge i do not feel good on the inside same same on all levels i literally can't move these two fingers do i have nerve damage maybe i wish i had those lips though i wonder what kind of surgery they got like oh probably the jaw reconstruction that would be invasive why do people do that i wonder how long that recovery time is i'm getting off track let's get back into it oh you could like crack somebody's neck like that i feel like that's medically irresponsible ow i'd be pissed that's one way to wake up that's how i like to wake up somebody hitting my head against the wall look at that chair oh it's like an upside down the coolest chips i've ever seen what the is that there's too much that just happened right there but if i just i need to look at that again look it's like an upside down allison wonderland high trippy dippy couch i need that i want that it's so large though i feel like you need really tall ceilings for that and then i also want whatever the that is is that an elvis presley just a face i want it what my fish use every day oh yeah do you tap on the glass you hungry little guy fun story i had a fish named stevie nicks love stevie dicks it was a japanese uh fighting fish i've the betta fish you know those one of these fishes right you'd be like oh yeah they lived like one two max three years right i had this mother for six and a half years by the end i gave up on it all right it lost both of its eyes all right both both just popped out of its noggin i don't know how and i may have just slowly can't believe admitted this on camera i may have thought as a youngling of 11 years old that pouring my parents vodka into the tank would um make stevie have a good time stevie died that day but she died lit so rip stevie so sorry about that i think that might have been a guinness world record for like the oldest betta fish though i don't have a computer on me but uh jay can we do research on the like longest living betta fish and stevie might have beat it and i might have wrecked it i'm sorry oh my god oh my god it's gonna collapse oh i've done that she's like this on the bunk bed like this and she pushed it up and then it came off i've done that i've oh i had a bunk bed until i was like 14 and i was the bottom bunk i've done that before and then you're like if you're home alone done i could have died that way that's probably how i will die some stupid way like that like call me chris dies by blood bed that or an avocado either way men who don't cheat what are you doing this is what they look like ladies just get you a man that cheats i can cheat if i want to with who your diet with who your diet savagery the absolute savagery i'm taking orders in front of these people this dude out of nowhere goes my favorite ice cream is rum raisin do you want me to beat the out of you right now what is there a rum raisin ice cream flavor that sounds disgusting i'm not kidding funny anymore i carry something slay after everything i do i can't even move this hand how we choose to gum 5 feels [Applause] why you always saying huh after every five seconds i do that too but i say pardon because i'm canadian and huh or like yeah is like it's not polite for some reason i don't know you know what i can't stand i know i'm getting off track god damn it when somebody says thank you and then the other person's like uh-huh you better say you're welcome i will perform voodoo on the pete davidson cook me i will perform voodoo on the pete davidson oh my god it's beautiful i don't know i don't know why my mom got me a pizza cookie i don't know why he looks like ellen degeneres he does kind of look like a legitimate i also want to eat it is that a sugar cookie love sugar movies i just found out thank you for nothing is mean i thought you were supposed to say it when someone tries to help you but it doesn't work out can i borrow a pencil i'm sorry i don't have a pencil it's okay thank you for nothing i didn't know it was mean i've said that to so many people i'm trying to think of different scenarios with that so funny oh my god hey i i really need a kidney could you give me a kidney no actually i can i can't i actually have a condition where i can't give a kidney well thanks for not that do you ever wish you were too drunk and you could take pill and it would go away [Music] also i have made it my life's mission to make a hangover pill i bet there is hangover pills that don't work at all but i'm gonna do it i have no medical training i don't know how to do it i'm gonna do it i just sounded like liam neeson on the phone i have no medical training i have no prospects i have no funding i have nobody behind me on this but we will do it we will be rich thank you a team member will be with you shortly man is on his job team member will be with you shortly hey what's up what's going on yeah i'm uh i'm a employee of the year you smell nice what is that what's that bananas what in the shrek stripper is this i kinda like it though did shrek get a bbw wait is that a bbw or again somebody's already asked for my hand in marriage and i did not get it backwards divorce oh she she didn't have a hand what where is this jam [Music] i don't know if you guys have seen that on tick tock where she's like ankar jones i was josh after his muse when he wrote on kyle jones uncle james you know what is happening here we're in a bathtub nice to meet you nice to meet you as well i'm ross's cousin there's mac and cheese you can't pick what's going on i can't pee with that man in the tub what kind of party is this and why wasn't i invited break into my car and check the center console for valuables uh-huh there they are bunnies why do you have bunnies in your console i kind of love it though i kind of like it i can lie okay dried stingrays have no business looking like this what do they look like ew it looks like it has a sideways screenshot now that's been creepy this is me after three shots when you and your friend have different tolerances this is kind of she has three shots and she has three shots that's me how did they get footage of me last week literally though i'm like one shot i'm like yes let's go two shots i'm like i'm fine tiffany i'm fine and three shots i'm good have you guys seen these before they're like tootsie rolls yeah i've had those before but with stars or starbursts did i just did i just say starbucks lollipop i'm in so much pain i can't even think right now i'm sorry i'm not trying to scare you but there's a camera and a microphone in this device there's a camera and a microphone in this device do that let it record it life is short but also like terribly and is sufferedly long at the same time oh i miss jenna don't we all miss jenna like the video if you miss jenna marbles we miss you boo i love you okay here's the thing with the platinum blonde filter you have to have like a little bit of a hoe look to you oh she's got oh my god yes he's working it and he's he should be platinum blonde join the class you're allowed in everybody's allowed in everybody we should be blonde we all have more fun what is this face mask defense number 99 yo bro take your head off is he like bald under it he's probably bald is he bald oh it's shaped it's shaped like a question mark what kind of haircut you want um i just want like like confused or like like people will question my haircut do you understand what i mean yeah i think i understand what you mean it comes out with this like that's not what i'm in steve when you're mexican it's shirtless in the theater what i wish i could be shirtless in a theater that is all we have time for i was about to clap but i didn't i need to heal i hope you enjoyed the video if you did enjoy the video please like the video for sympathy you need to like the video because i hurt my hand please it's like a sad dog commercial okay put sad music in the background jake let's add music in the background please like the video okay there's one call me chris every year that gets injured by avocados if you don't like the video anyway if you haven't subscribed please subscribe to the channel this is obviously the best youtube channel ever and i will see you your beautiful face in the next video okay bye

Channel: Kallmekris

Views: 1,542,242

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Id: GLsa0WEwKfo

Length: 13min 1sec (781 seconds)

Published: Wed Mar 02 2022