'This is a very raw collection of poetry but kind of in the same way that uncooked chicken is raw...' [bleep] Hello everyone! My name is Jack Edwards and welcome back to my Youtube channel! Today we are going to be tier-ranking bad celebrity poetry. Listen, I've got my Harry Styles t-shirt on, I've got a fat stack of celebrity poetry collections, so today we are going to be going through the good, the bad, and the Bella Thorne... and, honestly, I can't think of a way I'd rather spend my evening. And -- oh! -- let me show you my tier-ranking system. So, at the top here we have "poet and they know it" -- these people can make a rhyme anytime. These people and their poetry are talented, show-stopping, fantastic, unique, never been done before, chef kiss. Next up we have "nominated but didn't win" and I called it that because the poetry is good, y'know, it's been recognised by the academy -- the jack-ademy! Oh, the jack-ademy awards! These people have been nominated, they got to go to the ceremony but they didn't quite take home the trophy, I mean, what do you even do when you lose a virtual award ceremony? Just log out of Zoom and pack up your ring light, I don't know? So that category is still good. The next category is called "reads Rupi Kaur once" -- don't get me wrong i think Rupi Kaur is fantastic. She writes poetry that people can see themselves in and relate to and that is such a talent. I am not here for intellectual snobbery -- just because something appeals to a mass audience doesn't mean it's inherently bad. But the people in this category are the people who read poetry like Rupi Kaur's and they think "I could do that" and they absolutely cannot. They don't have the facilities for that. The penultimate category is called "the worst-dressed list". No celebrity wants to be on the worst-dressed list and, equally, no celebrity wants to be in this category. This poetry was as underwhelming as Shawn Mendes at the Met Gala -- oh, I went there! Nothing personal, I think he's great. I just assume that Anna Wintour forgets to send him the theme each year. And the final category is called "James Franco" and you will see why the final category is called "James Franco". So, I have spent a completely absurd amount of time reading celebrity poetry over the last week so let's get on with it and tier-rank them... [Intro music] On tonight's program ladies and gentlemen we have something that's going to make you sick Before we get started today I just wanted to say a huge thank you to our sponsor which is Skillshare! I am so appreciative of Skillshare because their support means I can invest in this channel and buy these poetry collections, so if you're a creative or curious person Skillshare is the place for you. They have literally hundreds of incredible courses by inspiring and talented people. If creative writing is your thing then there's a bunch of fascinating courses, so for example this is the one that I'm currently taking. It's called "creative writing essentials: writing standout opening scenes" -- of course the classes are fantastic but it's also a great way to just give yourself some structure and work towards achievable goals at the moment in this weird-ass time, and so -- this is so exciting -- the first 1000 people to click the link in the top line of my description down below in the crotch-box will get a free trial of Skillshare premium! To conclude, we love Skillshare, but will we love the first poetry collection? Smooth. This is Violet Bent Backwards Over the Grass by miss Lana Del Rey. I mean, what can I Lana Del Say? Lana Del Rey is ridiculously talented. Her music is just sublime. I am a fan. Having said that, I feel like Lana Del Rey wakes up at least once a month and chooses chaos. I am convinced this woman is trying to sabotage her own career at this point. We had the open-letter to the music industry which went down like a pint of piss. We had a face mask made of mesh, and I was worried that this was going to be the next bad career move. However, it's actually kind of good. This is kind of Walt Whitman meets Sylvia Plath in the sense that Walt Whitman really advocated for a unique, distinctly American voice in poetry and this is so American, like it's so rooted in LA and then the Sylvia pPath influence is found in the way that this poetry sounds when you read it aloud -- it's honestly delicious in your mouth, it's a treat for the tongue. So, a classic Sylvia Plath line would be "you do not do, you do not do, any more black shoe". That repetition of the vowel -- the 'oo' sound -- is called assonance, and Lana employs similar devices. So we have "as strange as that seems in times like these" and that 's' sound -- that repeated 'ss' -- is called sibilance. And she has this really impressive and tight control over the meter and rhyme and rhythm -- her control of this poetry is kind of like how she would command a yo-yo, she lets it unravel but she can always pull it back and exploit its turn in the process. I thought this was good. At some points she also includes the draft version of particular poems right next to the final versions and I feel like that's really vulnerable and something you don't quite get in her music. I don't know, I thought it was really interesting to sort of leave your construction lines, I guess, next to the poetry. It feels very vulnerable, so you definitely get something here that's very different to her refined music. The only criticism I have is that at the back there are these haikus which are just rubbish, and also this is kind of marketed as a poetry and photography collection but the photography looks like it was taken with a potato, and also there's one poem called Happy which sort of verges on parody. She says "you thought i was rich and i am but not how you think" and what she means here is that, y'know, the value of her experiences and her emotions is stronger than her financial wealth -- but when you're a millionaire this doesn't quite pack the punch that you think it does Lana. So, for me, this collection of musings and meanderings is nominated for the award but didn't quite win. There's some imperfections here that I think need ironing out. The haikus and the excessive tangents kind of fumbled the bag, and she just Lana Del Lost Me at the end of this collection. Next up, y'know what, let's do James Franco because his collection Straight James, Gay James is actually dedicated to Lana Del Rey -- that feels like quite a smooth transition. I don't know if you can see but on the cover he is depicted with a bunch of tattoos of Lana Del Rey's name and face and i would say "not in a creepy way" but, like, absolutely in a creepy way. This collection is the exact sort of thing that I was worried I would encounter when making this video because it's just poetry that's only been able to be published because the author is famous. This is a very raw collection of poetry, but kind of in the same way that uncooked chicken is raw... because it's terrible. And it feels like it could kill you. Also, if you're imagining this book as a little chicken, imagine it as completely unseasoned because there's no flavour. That chicken simile and metaphor that I've just given you is more developed than anything in this collection. "This is a poem about Lana Del Rey. This is an essay about Lana Del Rey. Lana has become my friend. She is a musician who is a poet and a video artist. She grew up on the East Coast but she is an artist of the West Coast..." and it just goes on, and on, and on. These are just self-important and self-indulgent ramblings and every poem feels like an idea for an essay that was made into a poem so that he didn't actually have to write the essay. It's less James Franco and more James, Frankly-no-one-asked-for-this. And that is why it has been given its own category in the fiery pits of poetry hell and I never want to see that ever again. Let's move on to Lili Reinhart, someone who knows a thing or two about bad writing because she's on Riverdale! This collection, Swimming Lessons, is essentially iPhone notes poetry published in a book. It's like a book of Rupi Kaur drafts that Rupi Kaur wouldn't have used, and it is ridiculously repetitive -- every single poem is addressed to "you" and it is just the basic [ __ ] of poetry collections. It's so predictable that you kind of feel like you've heard it before. Okay let's find one, um, "apologies are a band-aid, the wound is still there underneath, it still hurts, it just looks cleaner on the outside." These are just random sentences with line breaks every couple of words. It just doesn't really feel thought-through. "it seems to be our winter so i'll try to make snow angels in your cigarette smoke" -- that's nice imagery but I'm gonna need a little bit more than that. Lili Reinhart reigned it in but we needed more heart. The comparison to Rupi Kaur is kind of inevitable when you write poetry like this but what Rupi Kaur does so well is she uses few words to create a really vibrant and impactful poem, whereas in here every poem is just really samey. It's just not very intentional, and we also have the same kind of lack of self-awareness that we saw with Lana Del Rey: "take care of the people you love without expecting a reward for being a giving and caring person, otherwise you will end up being in your big beautiful house alone, unknowingly homeless". You know what no-one asked for? Rich people talking about being "unknowingly homeless" -- you are a millionaire! The only poor thing about you is the choices you made. And this will come as a grand surprise to absolutely no-one. Next up we have Jennifer Aniston, Rachel Green from FRIENDS. Um, she's actually only shared one poem publicly and it's probably for the best. "Lucky in love, lucky in love, didn't forget me when I asked you to leave me, didn't forget me now you're alongside me. You've brought luck to love, I've been hit by a truck in love". So, no one told you life was going to be THIS way. At this point, being hit by a truck is sounding increasingly appealing. Jennifer Aniston, I adore you, I think you're wonderful, but on this occasion you are going into the "worst-dressed list" my friend -- my FRIENDS -- see what i did there? Next up we have Jake Paul who actually wrote a poem recently to Floyd Mayweather, which is really threatening... It's available on youtube and most of it is really bad, but there is this one section that says this "[ __ ] your proposition, I don't do exhibitions, we can fight on my conditions, 50:50 commissions" ... why does that kind of slap? Why am I kind of feeling the meter and the rhythm? We've got internal rhymes going on and, to be honest, I am gonna stick him right there in the middle. I'm embarrassed, you're embarrassed -- let's never talk about this ever again. However, I will say, this is less about Jake Paul and more about how low the bar is right now. Next up we have this collection. This is called Tears for Water and it is by Alicia Keys. The poetry in this collection is really, really underwhelming. It's so simplistic and really cliche. Often with poetry it's all down to interpretation -- the poet remains quite enigmatic and mysterious. Alicia Keys said "absolutely not" and basically after a lot of the poems she just offers an explanation of what the poem is actually about and, y'know, I do appreciate how non-pretentious that is but maybe if the poems weren't so vague you wouldn't need to explain them afterwards. And sometimes it's actually quite funny -- so we have this one called Lily of the Valley -- "Lily of the Valley, pale as the moon, something in your eyes is tortured, something is wrong, and it's hurting me Lily, so soft and beautiful, so pure yet painted by the evils of the world" and then the description after is just "Lily is a stripper" -- like, okay... um? Her face on the cover is kind of how I looked the whole time I was reading this poetry like... "huh"? The poetry is very colloquial -- so that just means that it's kind of written in slang -- and I definitely think that it would be better to be read aloud, particularly by Alicia Keys, and Alicia I am sorry my darling but you are heading to the "worst-dressed list" this time because this is honestly just really boring. Joining her on the "worst dressed list", ironically, is a supermodel -- because next we have Kate Moss. "You love them more than you love me so that's why i could cry all day long, that's why I can't breathe". I have nothing to say... I mean she clearly had nothing to say. And, with that, I rest my case. Daniel Radcliffe! He actually published some poetry anonymously when he was 17 -- ironically he was the one who should not be named -- [ba dum tsk] I'm here all week ladies and gentlemen. This is a poem called Away Days which is written from the perspective of a cheating husband. "Beside these verdurous and wind-blown fronds, I lie with two long-legged glistening blondes. The wisps of comb-over that i call hair are slowly bleaching in the sunlit air that's also turning orange the skin i wear. The wife thinks i'm on some dull business trip -- "poor [ __ ]" I think and take another sip of sweet champagne with no hint of remorse. I mean, why would you bother with divorce?" So, um, some thought has gone into this -- each line has 10 syllables but it's not iambic pentameter, it's not a sonnet, and the rhythm is kind of shaky. There's no real flow. He does get a bonus point from me for the word "verdurous" which i think is a John Keats reference -- or just if someone had a thesaurus, or maybe both -- I don't know. Harry Potter, did you put your name in the goblet of fire? Um, okay, he didn't exactly put the "rad" in Radcliffe for me but he was 17 when he wrote this, so yeah i think he's nominated. Next up, I'm about to drown in the ocean... the Frank Ocean. This was so frustrating to me because this man is literally a god and he can WRITE. He wrote a prologue to the movie Moonlight which is absolutely stunning: "In the southeast in our youth I saw street lights and tail lights and lighters like spoons and guns
alight but there was no moonlight" -- like is this a Kendrick Lamar album because DAMN. Is he a postman because that delivered! And then, imagine my surprise when I read his poem Boyfriend that goes like this: "My boyfriend drives a little bucket, when it rains it fills up with rain. My boyfriend, he gone pick me up, don't distract him at the wheel in his lane". Frank Ocean, I adore you, please still accept me at the gates of heaven... but just for that line about rain you are going in the Rupi Kaur section my dude. Next up we have this poetry collection called Useless Magic and this is by Florence Welch of Florence and the Machine. This is just phenomenal. It's all about being messy and young and chaotic and intoxicated -- and I could relate on a spiritual level. It's about being in your twenties and living in London and, maybe just because that's my reality, I really connected with this poetry. But, um, I thought it was awesome. She just creates this incredible atmosphere that feels so authentic. "Various black eyes, unexplainable love bites, lost handbags, phones cards, wraps my college work abandoned so I didn't have to carry it home and other South London artefacts. I'm not sure I could put these things into a song, these muddy trinkets not beautiful enough, too bloody and ragged. I always felt the song should transcend the swamp. I needed it to dredge me out, drain my lungs, massage my heart till i'd coughed it up, like 'ah, here it is. Is it enough?'" Genuinely, each of these poems is strong. They're gritty, they're real, it makes sense to publish them. And Florence Welch is a poet and she bloody well knows it. On the other hand, we have this collection. This is by Halsey and i was expecting big things from this. This is called I Would Leave Me If I Could, and honestly I would leave this if i could... on a bus... in the desert. Okay, no, I am being harsh, but this poetry collection just reads like a first draft that was sent to the publishers and then they just published it without reading it. This is why book editors exist! For example, to kind of illustrate that point, there are two poems in here that are both about watermelons and they both use the term "chelsea smiles" and it's just like... pick one! Just pick one! There's also a poem in here that is infuriating -- this one is called Due Date. So it goes "I was born five weeks early. I couldn't wait to join the rest of the world [...] and it was on my first day on earth that i realised I didn't measure up and I never would." Now Halsey, uh, i'm gonna [spraying noises] with my [ __ ] spray because i don't know about you but i don't remember anything before the age of like 14, let alone when i was a baby and Halsey is trying to tell me that she was plucked out of the womb and only crying because she was already so insecure? I think it's an interesting concept and of course we shouldn't take everything completely literally but this is just silly -- y'know, an existential crisis on day one on this earth is kind of ridiculous when you probably couldn't even do up your own rain jacket until you were six, and I just think that that style of 'fake deep poetry' really detracts from the other poems in this collection which are actually quite good. For example, there is this stunning poem called A Story Like Mine which is all about her experience with sexual assault and it is so powerful and so important and it just feels like with some work this collection could have been good... we were rooting for you Halsey, we were all rooting for you! But this is just full of aggressively average
poetry, Also, almost all of the rhymes seem really, really forced and I think it's the kind of thing that could work in songwriting but when it's just you and the words on a black and white page it doesn't really measure up. So, Halsey, your violently mediocre poetry is heading to the middle of the table. Next up, we have someone who you may not have been expecting to see in this video and that is Britney Spears. Now apparently one time Britney Spears was so mad at her mum that she turned up to the set of Zoey 101 where her sister was acting and hand-delivered a poem telling her mum how awful she was... that is the level of pettiness that i aspire to! That is icon energy. Annoyingly, I can't actually find any poems that she's written but hashtag-free-Britney -- she is bopping her way all the way to the top just because I love that story. I think it's wonderful. Britney Spears, take the throne. Right guys, we are almost there! Next up we have Zayn Malik. Zayn posted this poem on Instagram. It's called Morning Zoem -- y'know, we can... we can work on the name -- um, it's all about social media being toxic and destroying our generation. By the way, I'm also confused about the lightsaber but just ignore that. "Like a shameless flower cries at every wedding, you don't have the feelings you just have petals. There is no meaning it's just aesthetics, then to ask me i'd say pathetic." And then it goes on a little bit but then we can cut to the end: "I think we like pretending, as if our fun is never ending. No one speaks, just message sending. It's a silent planet, wait, it's pending." The flower petals i think are a really interesting image -- they set up the tone of something which is disposable and dispensable and they're short-lived -- y'know, flowers at a wedding are purely aesthetic; it's surface value. So I actually do think this poem is quite clever and I really love the descriptions, and I'm tempted, y'know, to put this at the top spot. I'm not sure though, I feel like the rhyme scheme was kind of shaky, the analogy in the middle is a little bit convoluted so, yeah, I think-- I think it's going to be nominated but definitely has potential and I would love
to hear more poetry from Mr Zayn Malik. Pamela Anderson! These aren't words i expected to say, uh, but pamela anderson published a poem about the Wikileaks guy (Julian Assange) where she calls him "the most intelligent, interesting, and informed man in existence -- yes, I think he's quite sexy. He has tremendous strength and stamina, though vulnerable, hard to imagine him that way as capable as he is." Y'know, I'd be flattered if Pamela Anderson wrote these words about me. Is it poetry or is it just a boring essay persevering? I think it's probably gonna go in the worst-dressed list for me because it just kind of lacks the flavour. Okay, only a few left. Next up we have Bella Thorne. This collection is called The Life of a Wannabe Mogul: Volume One? This should be volume none! This should be volume down because the volume here is already astronomical! And a lot of the poetry in here is kind of illegible: some of them are smudged, sometimes the words are printed on top of each other. It's very hard to read -- there's a lot of mental gymnastics required just to actually read the thing. Um, I guess it's artsy. It's also just really annoying. Bella Thorne is actually dyslexic and so she chose to keep in her spelling mistakes which i thought was really cool and interesting -- it's very authentic and real to her -- like this is her truth, and poetry is meant to be an insight into someone's mind, right? But, that aside, this is just... crap .For example, we have this little delight which goes: "Life is a big dump, just flush it. Don't forget to use toilet
paper because it could make your arse sore". I spent money on this! One of the worst -- I mean, first -- poems in this collection is about how if you don't enjoy the collection then you should "just f off and throw it in the bin and ignore it and never talk about it again" so I am going to take that advice... and that's that on that! Done. On the other end of the spectrum we have Taylor Swift. This woman is absurdly talented -- if we were talking about the lyrics to evermore and folklore this would be at the top spot, no doubt. Give this woman the Nobel Prize for Literature for those two albums alone... I'll wait. But she has also written a few poems. She wrote one for British Vogue and then two for some magazines which came out alongside her album Reputation. And these poems are.... okay. They're clearly written by someone who can write. They're written in free-verse but they're a little bit cliche and i think you can tell that she's not necessarily a poet, and I think that she's definitely nominated for the award, uh, but she didn't win -- but that's fine because her mantlepiece is probably heavy with all of the awards that she has won, so I don't think she'll mind losing out on this one. Please don't be mad at me, I just think that the poems don't necessarily completely blow you away but they are still -- they're good! And, finally, we have a last-minute entry from Alex Turner from Arctic Monkeys. He has this poem called Choice of Three which you can find on Youtube and you can hear him reading it aloud, which is just exquisite. It's very modernist -- we actually often see the motif of trains in modernist writing by, like, Edward Upward, Christopher Isherwood -- and although it's mundane, it's still so intricately and beautifully written. It's basically about someone being in your chair on a train but I actually think it's great and so unique. It's kind of written like a stream of consciousness in a good way... in a really, really good way. So, i'm gonna make the weirdest threesome of all time and chuck him up in that top spot. I have done so many people a disservice by putting Britney Spears right at the top there when I haven't even read her poetry. Okay, ignoring Britney Spears, this is my list. So if you want to go to war in the comments' section I will not blame you. However, let's just appreciate for a minute that this means absolutely nothing -- my opinion could not be more irrelevant -- y'know, fundamentally this is all just a bit of fun. I wish I could end every review being like "but it's cool they wrote a poem, right?" Fair play to these people for putting themselves out there and publishing poetry and making more people read and fall in love with literature -- and, James Franco and Bella Thorne, I'm not speaking to you. I hope that you've enjoyed watching this video because I really enjoyed making it. For more from me, you can head to my Instagram or my Goodreads, or my TikTok... I'm on everything! I also have a second channel dedicated to videos about literature called Jack in the Books which I will link in the description box down below. Also down below will be the link to Skillshare where you can get a free trial of Skillshare premium. So, until next time, love you a lot, have a wonderful day, and I'll see you next time! Bye bye! [Outro music] In case i don't see you good afternoon good evening and good night
