Thomas Lennon - One Of The Best Guests Ever - 19/26 Appearances In Chronological Order

my life is very instant please welcome Tom line and everybody [Applause] so um Tasya good to see you again our usernames beard I've cut your beard before working on that daytime soap look that's very a very you look like sort of a kind of sexy brain surgeon oh yeah that we want to stop everything yeah I'm working on that stop everything look yeah I was just thinking my two favorite opening lines from books oh right we've got our through the fence between the curling flower spaces I could see them hitting which is sound the fury oh right okay and I didn't know that one dear penthouse I never thought this would happen to me I do know that one I believe that wanted by anonymous that is by anonymous anonymous anonymous pizza delivery boy and Pennsylvanian listen you're doing a movie of reno911.com filming it sure we were doing a film of Reno 911 which is called Reno 9-1-1 so cute it's actually is that real number one : exclamation point exclamation point : Miami you don't have to be all literary discos don't Hanuman's I know Maya yeah sure I know my car runs on McNuggets Chris are you begging to the ecology or do you do all that idea you off the grid I'm on the grid we're going I'm big into the ecology I just don't do it right you know would you run your car does Milan I know no I like I'll get lip service to all that stuff right yeah I was going to buy a hybrid yeah yeah I was thinking about it hmm you drive you drive like super high drive drive you giant - cosmos Valera something like that yeah I have a McLaren whatever injured it's a jet engine no I Drive I actually don't drive it all oh I don't drive at all I know you got a lad I've got a lackey he drives for me a British guy runs along beside the car I was going to get a hybrid but then I feel like well why why is that my job why didn't my job to make everything nice and make the planet nicer yes okay let's run with that why is it your job why oh isn't your job so what did you drive you drive a big SUV then no I got a Chrysler yes - fine product I got at the anion EBS if anybody's interested 99 no miles 99 99 I've got a 99 you just have to do a big Hollywood China you can have any fancy car yeah the Prius is very popular I know and I went like I've thought about it but then I feel like what why make the oil last longer good point why yeah because if you if we want to then everyone will go off the red no that were all Daryl Hannah I've met Donald Hannah saw and you are no Daryl Hannah right let's use it up as fast let's use it up by next week let's all bow to use it all up as fast as we can it's not a bad idea right now and God will use you what they make the hydrogen and you can use grease and beasts and McNuggets is no McNuggets you're shoving McNuggets all right I tell unless presented at Miami you shouldn't be no 911 all the whole cast of the renewing of your favourite team you play the gay call I do with the shorty shorts I do got to be careful in Miami walking around like that girlfriends you know it's so funny because we're doing it you know it's like a fish out of water we come from Reno we end up in Miami but I'm really a fish in water why I guess Alyssa went on to Miami and those my shorts are pretty much the norm yeah well I guess for the old people down in Florida who wear really big short oh you'd be surprised there's some banana hammocks down there I actually give it of your vendetta Florida I was there last weekend really sure what Miami yeah if you have a go at Delray Beach I love them oh nice Delray Beach is nice about an hour and a half north of maybe just an hour north of Miami sure very nice they have no helmet law and for motorcycles in Florida you know which we should all celebrate well I don't know what do you mean by that well I mean I think is interesting right so they're great a great organ donor program that is exactly what they they they don't hate you don't need any seat belts down there well I know I'm just saying they do it have you all those guys who like soda you're like I wear a helmet and say my SUV I'm a shake I'm a great degree foolish really not really no no no but I do wear a helmet on my motorcycle even if there's no helmet law really well I've had an accident oh really yeah yeah well that's okay that or iid guys who you can tell two guys who on motorcycles guys who've had their accident for our guys who haven't had interaction yeah guys who've had their accident are like MJ King thing all over to date later guys you haven't cared it's all great yeah sure you're juicy right yeah it's a very good actor in a minute I don't I see it yeah look out for that forgiveness Lord yeah gasps look out for guy ball I'm always watching out for Gary Busey's yeah good that's a good general policy of UD bumpin in Malaga man yeah I met I met Gary recently not long ago we were at a comedy central event did he like Joe beard ah this was pre beard oh but he came up and he said something like hey there's a raccoon up to the thing and we're going to we're all writing haikus or somethin and I know what he said to me and I said wonderful is and I said you know what good thing there's helmet laws now yeah exactly well then good luck with Vino name want to come back when it's finished and tell us all about it certainly one all right Tom Lennon everybody we were right back [Applause] we spoke to my friend cold blood and everybody talked about it [Music] [Applause] [Music] look at you is this weird I kind of thought you were going to pick me up and swing me around like the end of a sort of like an officer in the gentleman type movie yep that's weird yeah because I was projecting that on you yeah Mel bad thinking a way to talk to me first then they pick you off it's better if this goes well let's wrap this up with an officer in the gentlemen swirl it's going to have to go pretty well all right me it's the end of a long week spray denied by the bride I had a couple of fellows yeah swirl on each other around but hey VM the reno911.com Lee recognize you with plans usually usually when I'm on the show yeah I'm either playing a CBS executive pretending to yell at you yes or I'm standing on that side of the stage completely nude yeah pretending that you're in Reno pretending that I'm in really high but not so often in my life so it's nice to be here almost as a normal person and it was nice to see you in the Zac Efron movie he seems to be dreaming he's really just so dream if you got police autonomy of skin and dreaming this all around tonight he's so dreamy let's say I'm a married man Beecher you know but even so he defies he's like he's like he's like a physics problem he's so dreamy Wow it is that's pretty drill it's confusing I am aware does this work after a while you think is he going to lift me off my feet like officer well not believe me but he doesn't look like if you'd let you up doesn't look like you can lift up soda yeah oh oh well you've got a big shirt off scene in the movie so oh yeah yeah yeah oh god yeah I've got the ABS yeah oh it's not that that Photoshop that 300 airbrush stuff no he's in Reuters right yeah did you do the airbrush on my selfie even though they are good yeah it's just got you and what I do is I get to stand for one they go oh you do it yourself yeah oh that's right just praying I won't get it Oh super confident so just to impress the neighbors and stuff not even that no they don't really accept me but I know under here is a fake sex action ya know that you're very physically fit I saw you in that movie I love you mind oh sure yeah you were right sure uh that was my big makeup singer Paul Rudd yeah that was that was a big hit in Danish lad hello people from Denmark yeah I've never been over there today to Denmark I area no it's my time it's night time all day right no not today no no no no that's not true no no no you're thinking more of the more northern sure yeah the Sweden's your endless amounts of it's about the same places the Bahamas are these the people who are making us wonderful furniture thank you for the photo yes yes very much it is time you you could do a little better with the instructions yeah hey hey Tom I got a new cup you see it uh yes I do how do you not see the cup take care of this baby yeah look at that oh yeah so have yourself to your own cup that well no that's now you're only doing that so you'll show how pathetic and wimpy this cup is not as apparently decent coke no it's not no no I don't like that look at that cheers buddy Joe right this is a video game I'm losing yeah well only one can have the snake cup um I understand you got maybe we'll set night at the museum three at the rattlesnake Museum hey thank Larry and the night is a museum to you Bostick I wanted to be at it give me a lot no no you asked very specifically yeah kind of me and you said and I don't I know who I think I was absolutely was blowing smoke and said of course yeah who would you applied them I don't know I've seen the movie yet someone from someone from combina up takes a little combo no come back and watch town in the United Kingdom what's number one yeah I think it's the city of whole ending oh yeah oh yeah it's I mean it's I mean it's a pretty grisly place whole but it's common old it's got a beat I don't know why either the judges must have been H or something yeah I mean well there they are collars their fishing port where the people who come in and out depressed like the people from Denmark are isn't depression oh no no no not dad my dad max Philipp people who are upbeat really yeah they they do jazz hands the tippy tap sit on the way to school so sort of a Bob Fosse that's like Narnia yeah yeah it's kind of like it's kind of like now a lot of people have fur it had a per minute and the pan flutes and so yeah there's a lot of that that one yeah oh good people yeah times good times old Denmark it yeah they don't have much of the way you want drinker let's go oh my god what's in it it's negative it is a wonderful cup pretty good yeah yeah this is my cup your revenge for not being a knight of the medium - are you on the board of the rattlesnake Museum are you just a big wheel or they I've been twice and I enjoyed it both times I mean I can I'm yeah up in twice what did you learn the second time that you didn't learn the first time the rattle says well the first night the first time I went they were having renovations so okay I where I was what I once went to the have you been to the Liberace Museum are you high it's not right yeah the one in Las Vegas in a do little strip mall it's all the whites but they have a small panel everywhere so I went and there's this huge cape that's hanging up and it's bedazzled and covered in rhinestones and glitter it looks like it weighs about 80 pounds and underneath there's a little card that says this artifact is currently being researched by the staff of the Liberace Museum like as if it was the Shroud of Turin there's a cape with rhinestones on it yeah but you know you can't let that kind of thing go on research okay we're at same table but uh will you come back again soon anytime all the time all right let's Ryan can I be in native Museum three done and this stump get ready for Jersey Shore the movie starring Mila Kunis and Snooki oh yeah Pollo Loco Tom Lennon as the situation is she adds like this this year that's what the quota situation and then I got this really looking mold that's growing on my six-pack and that's another less sexy situation for this old book because it's got a couple hairs just growing on a mold and so I started a gel a month real sexy Nick Lachey as Ronnie I got one rule never fall in love at the Jersey Shore unless it was something you really want to write like an Italian girl Camaro Steve Italian stereotypes taken to the next level Kaiser Brochu Super Mario profit Superman it was video game so come on I go guess what you know don't you how about it oh I'm sorry she did like gunnery and money love conquers all at the Jersey Shore I mean about a doubt of the horrible [ __ ] well do I find that a mushroom princess mushroom princess isn't that what they call girls like a sausage in a calzone euphemism you find out how kinky things get after hours I brought a guy back from karma last night he made me a muscle princess look II was screaming oh [Music] I got full bladder put Pam on my I'm glad somebody getting some besides the situation I don't I make a mean lava the situation ain't never I get a de ladies pizza like my brother Luigi acceptable again seriously you think cuz I spent all day in a gym and I wear a thong in the tanning booth and I danced at a male strip club that makes me gay yeah I think it does what one man search for love last night I had to Sookie out on a date I think as the longer than those buns are in the face maybe I get some the alar it's kind of hot to put a little gel in there than I might do him i'ma put it on the journal I put it out of ammo stash shot Mario really like a displaced Jersey Shore the movie hello what's the coven I go my next guest is a very funny man he's a good friend of the show he's handsome he worked so he's been did a lot of arm work recently and I think he's looking better than usual please welcome please welcome sex on a stick Tomlin and everybody [Music] I go at Craigieburn hey Tom how it is great to see you buddy I'm fantastic you just called me my Twitter I did I called you at Craig federighi forgot my name on the Twitter let's just start using those instead of proper names well what's your Twitter a name then at Thomas Lennon I think Oh cutie pie speaking of cutie pie you have very pretty fans yeah I know my mission to be ice little disturbance yeah I was surprised yeah I was surprised too I'm like are you sure I'm done think I've seen the show right now yeah because I might my fans everybody who ever like makes a t-shirt or hat and wants to meet me so you you have I have a couple a fan but have you have you ever seen that movie The Hills Have Eyes yes it's like I'm watching again yeah not you know I haven't gotten that this sort of fan that you have yet well this is my first to know I'm very excited about you're not you're not that you're years away from creepy really I don't know I've ever seen that - four years away from preview - three years absolutely all right and I don't know that'll be 2011-2012 before you're really a creepy grandpa thanks Tom I feel so much better are you doing a Chris Hardwick's thing later tonight tonight so it's fun to promote a show that's on tonight yeah I'm doing a show with Chris Hardwick in like an hour so if you have a time machine that you've made or a DeLorean go back to right now wait we alive wait because you do that all right right yeah I forgot [Music] you know other times you come just become right now and sit next to me finals will never exist or we would have had seen something there well that's only true homo status we would know about it right no that's not necessarily true how is that not true because perhaps in the future or the past someone invented a time machine and realize that if we as evil design time found out about it or we would use it for evil power right will elect a black president or something crazy finally innocent conversation about the possibility of paid dublin to something that's going to get me into trouble not gonna get through this trouble but we have we have the power to build a jeff and yet we hear ya I got ya baby it literally never gets old yeah I well you know that's the beauty of robots yeah baby yes chef one day he will become self-aware and try to kill you you know as the people have said that but what what I have actually you know I've been in the studio on my own with Jeff are late at night and his eyes lit up I noted my investor so he becomes self-aware it turns into a sort of a romance hearing the two of you he comes down for where he doesn't go crazy killing he goes into being angry yeah yeah not really of you got a robot I don't have a robot yet per se no no I don't I'm saying we're all everybody's working on a manservant robot I have I I have a Yorkshire I have a Yorkshire Terrier that sometimes I wrap in aluminum foil it just makes me feel like I'm on the cutting edge of something well you're on the cutting edge of something alright oh that's a shame you should wrap up your Yorkshire Terrier in foil oh she likes it really no I supposed to deflect the heat of Los Angeles nothing nothing safer do you ever I always thought it'd be nice to run marathons so I could get to where foil without feeling guilty about it like with time out wait when when into a marathon do you wear for my ID call to give you in like an aluminum foil diaper running a marathon good today I think it's quite understand Oh at the end they put a thing because you're so oh you're cold you just finished America you're cool because you've just run a marathon in the living room cuz you even if I ride around in an aluminum diaper alluvium let's go to let's go to your fans I don't think it would be what do you think yeah that's clearly their misguided young knoweth they're not geniuses oh no you did not exactly there's their very very pretty is what I meant no that was like oh they're very pretty does not mean they're no clever that's what kind of crazy aesthetic fascism is that my right I apologize yeah don't you worry about a girl's I'll defend you to a point you're just to a point come to a point it's like Christmas you know right oh I would have loved to have had just job by the way sidekick yeah either one not just oh you kid no robot oh boy yeah well but one day you would become self-aware and killing you the other one that's a bit of sexy piano yeah - sexy air pianos yeah have you been working a lot your arms look very big I know you said that backstage - yeah and I guess I have been yeah yeah why I know yourself up cause I I do at my house that's what we do we have the robot Yorkie wrapped in foil and then I work out just like the ancient Olympians just naked in olive oil creepy noise oh that big loud thing that they yeah was that there's a pretty Hanukkah do what I think is Melina category these dad all the way the other player Doug I've been wondering how to pronounce your name for so long because I mean even rolls right off ya know I have a problem with it if you do well I would never notice the way you sometimes I think you're being playful with me - I always oh is it Julie you were good in that exact everyone movie oh I like that scene again that was great it was a terrific movie you know yes Benny good jeez that's what's eerie about ya know he's like hey here's the thing he's young he's pretty and he's clever yeah you know like you might be right I think me doing because young lady you weren't also geniuses I just meant that you were cute oh god this is awkward now that's what I actually meant stop light in everybody [Applause] and his name tomm lana never mind [Applause] [Music] [Applause] thank God Hey Tom Lennon Oh knock it off I'm just trying to Dino there's so many things to avoid I thought I would talk of a big day and now you commit more custody I do an amazing let's see this watch this there was nothing I was nothing ready for my that that is the meaning two pegs on peg day and you don't look like a peg you look like that was amazing nothing I'm sorry in a chair I think I like I think about your ad talk to them I'd have to it's my job no you know what I'd like that like the character Meg's and Silence of the Lambs oh my goodness yes Miggs is the guy in I don't say the other part of it right right yeah just the nextel Oh Bernie asked Jodie false ad something very specific about Jodie Foster yeah he does do you like that movie Silence of the Lambs yeah I love that movie as good a very scary movie sorry yeah yeah do flared you hear the lamp screaming sorry that's Joe that is a fondling from the car did you see this is if you leave my demo reel nothing between piggy guy and very average Anthony Hopkins I I gotta say I thought it was awful I thought it was a any of your pigs oink do things like r2d2 honey or kids that I got it daddy give me about then Cedar Rapids is a terrific picture starts Ed Helms your buddy you like Ed Helms right sure Wow oh my god Wow I went down the wrong barking up the wrong tree well you know they re always wandering back boo no no he knows why he knows why you know why well is you know is there some sort of banjo feud going on but I don't play it now you just said no well I know were you aggressively we're not going to meet apparently oh don't start the quarter with a celebrity few insult week you tweet tweet tweet suits Twitter feud you won't have a Twitter feud with me yeah I had one with Stan Lee though and it got cut up family the 90 years old yeah you can't go in though the 90 year old mate wore me down I want a ball around Earth you you're yelling at a 90 year old man on Twitter hey we'd let you into this company we invited you in and you're yelling at our nano generic name well Obama well first of all I just thought yell ahem he yelled at me where they say specifically I can't remember uh I don't like the people in the yell at me I just gave in I can't take it overwhelms me especially Stanley well sadly every yell at you know yeah yeah you're jealous no what do you invent every superhero every single one I'm Superman Eggman Batman dozerman Eggman yeah treasure man no tow truck trouser the trouser may I yeah he was done man he's bait ball you got to be careful kids you can meet trouser man when you least expect they do PSA he's got a van and he comes by it so get off you're scaring yeah so we should be a bus on Cedar Rapids is a great picture it's about Ed Helms plays character but what do you do don't lay down I play a really really sinister I'm sort of one of the villains actually you have Pat guy I know is an amazing so incredibly charming you see me be a pig yes you've seen me do terrible Anthony Hopkins Yeah right yet I'm versatile enough to also be someone you don't like I find that hard to believe yeah I know everybody loves you you're kind of like Raymond for a second I thought you said like Rain Man yeah oh yeah I can do that I can go to Vegas hello though don't you intend cards and cheatin I used to go god I used to having a baby that's just oh yeah of course yeah you think around when you have a baby in a blackjack table they just try got it I guess I got a new one yeah I know yeah yeah I was exciting months old oh it's the best BS you yeah so the best yeah having a baby so right the best well great fills your heart with joy no it really does it doesn't like me and and health exam what's the name of your baby and hell oh wait do you have a boy or girl I have a boy i'm a boy my son oliver is 20 months old how about some 20 months is good that was a time when do you stop doing once and go two years is that thing with your pee too right yeah I don't know my people what was that you know that was the subtlest kind of racism kind of like you your people yeah well that's what I've figured out in steerage on the Titanic this is good think leprechaun fight yeah yeah I know that I know my boy is 20 months old and here's do you find this true I now I went from a person I didn't cry for like 10 15 20 years right now I cry 3 to 9 times a day wow I just cry all day long what the sleep deprivation probably partially yeah um and partially just seeing him like just my irony's dead my thinking everything stupid meter is broken uh yeah and I laughs he looks at anything just like you know like a billboard for lap bands hey Wow are you telling me I start crying are you telling me that this child has melted your cold comics are cold cold leprechaun heart it has you phony bastard and his name is escapes me for the moment no no no I think that I think is touching that it is touching they do do that yeah I've got an older boy as well he's just at the point now be everything I do the worst finish boys are the worst they thought teenager he's only 9 ah the worst 9 year old boys on the war wait a minute or no war you're ed Helms ding me aren't you I like your TARDIS by the way thank you very much be heard but it's a nice-looking TARDIS you got going on everyone there is no a while not to get weird but not a real TARDIS TARDIS is a fictional thing anyway so you're telling me that Doctor Who the cult series and the BBC is fiction I wouldn't do that here [Music] and you'd be right not to I don't want to answer to your Twitter followers Hoover yeah lively Bunch no doubt Holly people go in the Twitter no 73,000 I'm not you I probably you in this way sir thank you yeah yeah no I did you're hilarious I don't but see that thing you do in the end every night every night I say something very scary yeah so if you're like me feat yeah well yeah you know I say things like like every night on Twitter I put my Twitter followers of sleep and I say sleep tight remember very few things can eat a large adult human being except another stealthy adult human being just like little thoughts to get inside your head yeah I know it doesn't help me get to sleep reading your nighttime tweets but I feel that if I block you they would be seen as an act of aggression absolutely I'll go Stanley all over your ass yeah and I'm one half his age which means the energy level will be very hot yeah hey Stanley though he is posed the use a dope trouser man yeah treasure man travels around the enemy yeah defense wish the dreaded that wit I'd say to catch the predator is trying to man just just dateline yeah and both organ across ah mouth organ wow this is a long one turns out no it is a slightly longer long and slightly longer zone can you play oh it's awesome you can play cuz hardly I'd be concerned you can do that with your hands and you can play that looks like play [Music] please welcome the very cool Tom Lennon everybody [Music] [Applause] [Music] hello Jeff well hello Jeff what about me and Craig I Jeff and the gang as they call the chef and the gang come on I love John if he almost Bastille Day it's Bastille Day soonest we we will we everybody's got a Bastille Day fever I think you'll find it Bastille Day danger I'll tell our this book was very interesting because particularly this this copy of the book because this is a mock-up of your behalf I can read of some piece of junk they just see look at that bunch of chunks this what is this a conflict of interest by Adam Michnik oho and now a conflict of interest by Adam mid-slam yeah - my daughter's Rebecca and Emily hey come on Adam I wrote a real book that's in it comes in a package that a cover that looks just like that oh and so we mocked this up to sell your book exactly as I would opens get a chance to read your book yet in case it's not that good grief by the way I don't believe I ever said it was good okay in fact I've been on the front of you but that's me and my writing partner and piles of money here in fact the quote on it says these are these guys are the reason 9 the museum won so many Oscars which by last count is zero yeah well you didn't write that you and Ben wrote 9fu and general native museum to revenge' Carly's gold rose and the one that you and Jeff are doing next year night the museum three-jaw let's escape from key where I just came from Key West uh-huh no we've written Michael Caine's in it oh yeah he's already shooting he's yeah he's already starting if you're done with the jokes no we've written better line most people know is from reno911.com the sword of that creepy guy in the background of most movies you're kind of the creepy friend in a lot of movies around kind of the creep well you are quite creepy can also kind of your creepy friend movie my back after oh my god you do crunches and I'll do this I think she likes you that's good no but this is actually kind of a great buddy movie of like a teenage guys but they're both obviously way too old yeah yeah just like doing crunches and skateboarding and you see that Natalie all the time you just guys I was like you know 50 year-old man out with skateboards and you know I don't know one of those guys will reboot we're like we get into like extreme like pogo clubs you know pogo stick this is what I'm thinking yeah you're on the pogo stick it up your said to me you started pogoing people doing that is that the new Paloma they are in our movie that could catch on it would actually I could see you had one interview where you're like oh you know thanks I'm feeling really great yeah really good I'm doing two hours on the pogo every day yeah that's really the core energy a lot of Corey one Kardashian on a pogo stick well not the big giant one for energy be like oh well now which coordination do you mean is the big giant one Craig what was the big giant line onto the board Kim right no no Kim's not the big giant one Kim's the fans the one the Papists line by Kate came and the gang right right you know I figured out which Kardashian I look the most like why are you seeing Kardashian how do you say it's Kardashian you like one of those newsreaders that says Nicaragua like that Mian Kardashian car daddy no no you save it to appear tomorrow the yellow from the Carpathian mountain because of that CJ's katashi I'm sorry if I've done anything to embarrass the Kardashian family no they've done everything to embarrass the all right Jeff you're drunk of our improv yeah okay let's pitch their books no bad I gotta tell you well the books but here the screenwriting book this is a this is out by Channing point we've written nine films some are like knighted Museum right some are Herbie fully loaded you wrote that yeah did you really yeah yeah yeah I love that movie wow you're behind okay in fairness Herbie fully loaded what are the top ten Herbie movies yeah he uses them to say how to be righteous by process of elimination I think it's gonna have an animal but only a little heaven happiness I always thought it'd be good in a happy movie no I didn't see your one yeah I'm going to see Basin but the therapy movies you know that Ferdinand Porsche and Hitler came up with the idea of the was the [ __ ] luggage of the people's wagon yeah right yeah so the bug was basically a design by Hitler yeah yeah make the car people would go away this is my son Mel Gibson yeah let me get over here you click Australia Nazi cash yeah yeah but you're doing a pirate face though what does he look like they'll get any much like that right little bit do we even photograph with Mel Gibson anywhere no probably no uh my name is now that's one of them cats that you know they yeah so the poster says hang on in there banging in there yeah yeah anyway so this is a book oh yeah again the premise is if you want to make it running movies you don't need really any education no training or experience or to be particularly bright just read the book and it's got all the stuff you need in it and you could you new people buy this and we didn't follow what it says I really don't it right then yes you can sue them so I shall yeah I there actually are I believe six or seven free movie ideas in the book that you were allowed once you bought it to just go out and pitch and if you sell them you know Beauchamp's and best of luck both show all you vermin I've got Bastille and sander yeah it's almost like you're a Kardashian yeah so it's because this cover is on Adam is behind pitch admits nurse book as a movie as a movie and I that I don't have to pay Adam is it about me and Zac Efron and pogo sticks no you probably have to fam you go you've got sexy girls oh yeah I know it's exciting cover yeah this that's a problem my wife seen this come have you noticed did your wife seen this cover that's yes yeah yeah can I point something out you notice on the cover of the book fun and is crossed out yeah oh yeah yeah the title of the book is writing movies for profit I don't think there is any implication that is going to be fun you're not going to have a great time what write in the movie now that's a nice time you can have it's how you wile away those lonely hours and Starbucks you've written several you were in a couple of movies how many of these have you written two three no no no three three three three yeah a long time two three yeah well well one of them I don't care for and the other two bur a long time ago don't care for welcome to the party pal if we're going to start if we're going to start judging people because they write movies that we don't care for I don't want to live in that world okay that's not what I signed up for because I have written some turds you mean I'm being too hard on myself yeah like I'm some sort of if you reckon I go on carnation yeah it has a great those are two words that are almost all vowels [ __ ] Iowa not an image in yeah we're done I love it it's great seeing you it's lovely see you Oklahoma's are my surrogate um you know the last time can I hear to think the last time I accepted the mouth organ yes you did I stepped right into that as I often do ah but here's the thing these are these are toy harmonica these are not top-quality I wish I wish you had said wood here cut here's a harmonica by the way it's not going to be the best harmonica you've ever played in your whole life well why would I want to talk about like I was in the Mafia or something hey what you gonna do we're coming to go he's a mouth organ it ain't that good my friend when he gave it to me you should be alright I'm sorry italian-americans I'm sorry and tradition Americans I guess I will accept if you want to do a thematic awkward pause or how do you want to develop this manual we could do slightly awkward pause we could we could that's a real one for poet is yeah I smell my finger awkward pause we can do awkward pause for sexual undertones to talk about that one you don't even want to know whether LM okay three with that you are an ultimate fighter and you are about to kill me awkward force I'll take that one I'll take a combination of I'll do all three at different times smell my finger yeah it's never been done before you've never had this average of a character actors alright in my fingers Thank You Linda tunes right your your ultimate fighter is going to get right right well I do oh oh wait oh well thought we both act out all we don't vote through them all okay right at each other right by right here we go [Music] don't everybody ha please welcome toggling and everybody [Applause] ah Tony um Thomas found a picture of a tip oh yeah lying on the floor - how are you young fella that and spitting distance some fantastic tell you I'm good to see you pal it's good to see you I like your shirt very good yeah yeah it's brand-new yeah it's uh that's nice that's here it's not one of them ones that goes funny on TV now you know there's a you know what the word for that is huh more a more a like to eel like Maury Povich exactly he used to wear shirts that would do that no he he is part you Jankovic and you can't you can't photograph him and not have that that strobing effect so that's why they call it the mortgage exactly oh I didn't know that no that's why his shoe was doing still I'm doing right yeah still I'm doing more if your show is on call right now yeah nope Camden right now Wow how are you possible I'm talking about drops you're the - what a giraffe can eat its own weight in Chinese food every day now I see I made up the the you were an expert in round and you know right up until you said that stuff about Chinese food people brought leaved it you know there were there were giraffe enthusiasts were tuning and saying thank you eat right I removed and finally I was going to tell someone's going to tell the truth about your about your rap yeah instead of the web of lies that has been perpetrated about them well I was getting a giraffe up close like I yeah piled on do nothing zoom on nothing but your giraffes tongues are for example they look exactly like that they're exactly that color no I think they are okay that is in fact the giraffe's tongue I'm sorry Peter sorry Jeff's down sorry Morrissey Morrissey he's just in animal rights yeah well so am i I like I like yeah you know I'm Bob no against animal rights I'm you know I'm not like no I'd go too much right I do whatever we right yeah no no I would never wait on your app so let's let them vote mmm Oh a nose oh well but what if it was hands up what if it was like raise hands voting then giraffes to be like oh and over you go um now when I was standing backstage and you introduced me as America's Amer the world's premier giraffe expert yeah I was a little bit confused yeah well I was just trying to you know spice it up a little bit a little more interest because what we're going to say oh here's an actor he's very funny he's in the movie yeah that's happened before in late night yeah how often do you say this guy is an actor he's right funny the plays guy and he knows everything about giraffe next time can we work out it could be like this guy this guy is wanted for a crime he didn't commit is that true are you maybe and maybe I did it I don't know what will you had easily drunk it's a possibility okay yeah had things with your young child ah they're amazing the boy my son you you have the child having a child's hilarious this morning my son ordered something very specific for breakfast from me that I was making when you work in a diner no Anna sometimes it's tough being a character I understand yeah he my son looked me in the eye and said what he wanted for breakfast and that was saganaki it's not an alcoholic beverage yeah it goes with sushi no that's a sake no saganaki is the cheese that to properly make you have to set on fire with ouzo so his keys you know about that it is we have just getting over that he is one of his early words just happens to be saganaki and from Greek restaurants cuz the one stuff catches fire and he gets very excited so this morning that was his Breck official breakfast order was saganaki no I I didn't know that Lenin was a Greek name is there's four wise in it you ever been to Greece is lovely cause I've been agree it agrees yeah you have you you have not lived until you've watched me crash a moped in Greece you haven't lived until you thought does that guy know how to ride a moped I'm going to skip ahead to the answer no yeah nice I thought I when I was in Greece you've been to Greece you're actually never you've never been gone a stolen Broadway a completely different type of thing no III have not being degrees I feel terrible about how do you been to a visa no no no because I feel like you're so fabulous I feel like Scottish people are going to Ibiza to like nude beaches woo they do they you yeah I just wasn't invited okay but you agree you agree from from the outside you're in that category of guys like say I'm walking on a nude beach in a visa and I ran into you I'd be like oh of course yeah I think that's fair yeah if I go that guy of course yeah like but if you if you run into me on a beach and I be said yeah we're both naked like would you get a stiffy I would try because yeah I get a little bit with the yeah yeah but you're not gonna just for like it let you know like no I don't like good posture it's like you wouldn't go for the fill Jurado no yeah right no that would be gay yeah hey nothing wrong with it I'm just saying just a couple guys if we ran into each other from a nude beach in Ibiza let's and let's really work out the details of this scenario because it's getting more fun for me move and 400 times uh we are why don't you have an awkward pause a mouth organ or go for the big cash prize uh I would love you know I feel like I'll fail at the cash prize how much is it fifty fifty dollars in singles except to let any strip club in the United States can I do some kind of awkward pause while you ask me a question and I'll do the awkward pause for free you know let me tell you I tell you something about you Hollywood types yeah all right the menu is the menu it's not a lot ingredients its imagine you want that you want that you want we're gonna have that back and have that right looks like I'm gonna go you rocky ding got you all three you are me you're right oh oh oh three there you go me honey all right forgive me a scenario haws awkward pause the awkward pause is that have uncontrollable flatulence playing a mouth organ after a question for fifty where's my $50 okay alright ready okay [Music] all right Iceland is in the North Atlantic its capital city is recommen ten years how long did the Hundred Years War in France last eight years close enough one ringing [Applause] [Music] [Applause] a lot of people say to me Craig please put your pants on and I do and a lot of people love be nice to me recently say Craig what's going on to Jack something's going on the chap we want old Jeff back look old Jeff will be coming back the thing as the essential maintenance is being conducted on Jeff's innards and so every night for the next two weeks he will have a different personality it was a big hit and that sure that's just been canceled okay good I forget that one's called yes for example tonight Jeff seems to be gay in Spanish los dogs see lo mismo I'm afraid I don't speak that that was me saying yes to both of those things - so tonight Jeff your personality takes on that of a fabulous Spanier 2ds I see well this is going to be fantastic are you actually from Spain itself where did you come to the United say yeah I'm I am the least I'm the least famous brother of Antonio Banderas no you're on Toria Banderas is robot skeleton brother man exactly am i a boy yes yes this is uncanny I didn't know such a thing existed but I'm delighted I have a in Spain they call me Chloe Bandera wait wait wait no no no no you're far too small to be a Chloe we have an Wheatly the trouble is I know I don't know not at all know what I don't like I don't like she's not an accident two engines just somebody's or maybe she lame [ __ ] so she's a parallel legitimate target definite do you think she got to keep the bridesmaids Tourette's no that was that was court don't have a nice slow it up with that jobs cab she's awesome she's a man T yes yes like toe shoe hey my ear just what my ear just went funny yeah yeah you ever get that no worship damn I never get your ear Canada's good like that what's your pain you know what they call that well vertigo then you fall down for them I'll go lie down on that well anyway look we have to get on day you know what we do here is from point Antonio Banderas is gates Bunny's brother is that's right please Chloe Chloe well we ought to take a commercial break and then we'll be right back everything I do even Sean Connery he did that song here's something you can do punch yourself and the knotch did you like that movie whoever you are tonight Jeff see a cloud on me gusta be trouble me gusta so you like Kevin Costa learn Spanish nice ending yeah yeah they like Kevin customers I like him so much pain yep I like this new you you seem to be very positive and upbeat this is the chip from Barcelona yeah nice I love pasta Luna is one of my favorite said these I enjoy the tapas do you enjoy the tally I like the top off I like the bottom up I like I'm bored so you're still a fan of the double entendre then even although your Spanish Marhaba yota I don't know what that means I don't speak Spanish stop okay you just need good time we have to say it teach me ma ma ma see next part is be ready ha ha I can't do that no no no just legally I'm not allowed to do that yet now you're going to be a citizen for ten years before you got here you're just - don't - years ago yes yeah how long how long have you been a citizen I think I'm still resident alien you look certainly are alright um would you like to introduce the commercial break yes I will now it's time for the tape of the show here comes already nowadays commercial break [Applause] what about it welcome back to the show where tonight Jeff is not Jeffy isn't right boy Banderas hey hey you know what do you read erotic romance novels there Jeff Levine Chloe yeah sometimes I listen to them on audiobook Oh who's your favorite person to listen to when the reading on the audio books the sexy voice actors sexy voice I liked who was the guy that played the owl in winner pool what's that game that guy's voice that guy's voice could just undress me with his voice he just he could just pin me down with the ground with his voice and just say I'm going to do something wonderful to you what would that wonderful thing be I don't know if I ever meet that guy I swear I'm going to do I have to tell you Chloe if that is your name you send a little bit like Al Pacino in Scarface on helium you want the guy all right what time is it Chloe Peterson [Music] [Music] retreat but also evil this is a citizen such as from Clare in Minneapolis Minnesota you ever been to Minneapolis there boy oh yeah car happy real I have no idea what he's saying I apologize I know that people watch this show for his lack of accents I didn't get that why you think I'm not getting any of this what did you say I thought I could care what you think I don't know what you're saying I don't think I read I don't reason you guys watch me I'm fine I think I hear you laughing out of your nose there I just can't wind up in that part of the essential mace the maintenance is going on in your energy tonight it's gone already booth all right well this is room Claire in Minneapolis Minnesota dear Krieger and there Chloe um will you host the Oscars those Eddie Murphy is there not that anyone's asked me but if he did I'd say sacre bleu everybody thanks yo you're just saying that cuz they won't ask you and you're right this is from Max and Pasadena in California ever been to Pasadena California I got a little place there like to go swimming oh yeah I got a connect man out there it's night you have a craftsman in Pasadena yeah you know how many no I don't know Howie how easy you know Antonio you're gonna paste on my place you belong to Antonio and a Melanie is their place so you you you and Antonio and Melanie's craftsman in Pasadena that's right they don't know about it but I'm doing okay they might here but did Craig and Chloe I accidentally called my girlfriend by the wrong name earlier today how do I recover from this grow moustache right there that right this is from Kathy and Latrobe in in America Pennsylvania we had Latrobe you ever been a little true Pennsylvania oh I know yeah I mean no I don't understand us there yeah see hi Craig Jeff who's the Chloe on the secretary [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] that's that we're done I accidentally drop the emails ever accidentally drop something there Jeff Chloe oh my god you're kidding I think that's like that's like the worst carpal tunnel you ever thought every now and again you send a little bit transylvanian do you know like he wants the dress pan around all right we have to take a break we'll be right back welcome back my first guest tonight is a very very beautiful of what ulis see [ __ ] you looking over there I can see you looking over what you're looking at I love me she's coming out let's check it out my ass pokeball I wish poquito bye bye hey I do you recognize the voice of the robot tonight where it says I just dangle this in front of you I would bow down to you if my dress wasn't so tight lieutenant please no apologies for the dress is amazing really yeah I know it looks like summer airbrush it on you I like that you're appreciating it oh yes men are you appreciating it as much as I appreciate seeing you and your shorts for so many years oh thanks does not to say I like to hear more about that time that you guys made in the club no what the hell no no no at the movie so the movie was talked about it you know it's not right this movie so well Spanish Chloe Jeff Peterson what else yeah I'm going to be sad that you're going away but you're going away now dad for me see no I'm sorry I can't understand anything you said that's okay that was not words wait you just make up sounds and I said John was just a sad sound well you can't just make sad stones and expect me to understand but it's not like you have an expression no really no no I felt like oh I'll read your body language here and I will that your voice is so familiar do you play the owl and Winnie the Pooh because if thou are you you come you could take me right here [Music] like you and Ellen Barkin at one time no no that's not no not no don't work ships the patent denied what's the person that I sheep sheep sheep - a sheep you know that I was like yes exactly sometimes at night the sheep on the hill get lost and tell me I'm Scottish I like a good when she blocked in tonight is like money in the bank what does that mean I don't know you just I'm excited yes I could tell from your body language and you're excited to watch this can watch this with my hand watch oh now it's a party as I can hardly wait from Dave to come out and comment on it okay I want I like that Dave Attell he's nice yes very nice very nice yeah he's not married you know I'm not supplied no good night everybody [Music] [Applause] welcome back welcome back to the show we're very excited today things are going crazy the robot has the personality of Larry King I was reading a book during the commercial break this book is the author of this book his own is on the show tomorrow night the book is called small town girl it was written by Linda Cunningham and she's my mother-in-law it's a romantic novel I mean is actually pretty good except there are bits in it that are filthy we had celebrities read them take a look at that and now Tom Lennon freed an excerpt from Linda Cunningham small-town girl the bullfrogs in the pond at the bottom of the meadow had taken over sounding like a whole percussion section in a Symphony Orchestra nameless little insects tweeted bond and chirped oh look oh look cried lawyer Lauren pointing excitedly in the darkness five [Music] oh that one that one so run it by me again you're not Jeff Pearson your coy Banderas I am under the reboot so for now I am the voice of Antonio Banderas at least famous brother follow me alright so you have the voice and panic now yeah you give the voice and personality of Chloe Bandera see the least famous brother of Antonio Banderas yeah i can't get any endorsement deals I don't commit Antonio Banderas doesn't have famous brothers are know of yeah you could like a whole bunch of end I just need two different - no it's easy it's not like you know Tito and Regis you know I thought you just named two of them due to their ability to in retail but they're the ones who have with the sexy ads and everything yeah I think I'm turning up and there he's got the sexy abs well he's amazing it's amazing I'm very blessed to live in his crawlspace it looks cross-eyed the density something's I just scurry about down there you know can I ask you about your hat I'll be feet we call it from proneural see it's not a sombrero if there is a large very Sun this is a Disneyland I got a map he's no part of what you just said will ever be on TV I like the Disneyland part oh my god I'm very just no but this is a bullfighter sighs yeah he is we go hey I've been stuck to your head right because the famine is the underpants under I had a crazy night last night you you have Underpants for brain that makes two of us how dare you how dare I how does well just because you say it like that doesn't make any sense how did I are dirty it doesn't make it mean anything you've got Underpants for brains yeah I know and I said to you know I don't get any of that yet every hat in Spain is called a sombrero no it's nobody's no I don't usually I don't even think you've every big display okay I make Portugal it's close Oh No well inspector 1 you know Portugal two completely different languages Portuguese yeah they speak some to me if you know it so well okay yeah fala portugues oh my goodness yeah I thought he was bluffing but he had it he had Portuguese up his sleeves play because you rhymes or something doesn't mean hard a the audience liked it yeah bet their only way wrong like no lesbians is only siding with you could be hate me you know lesbians love miming yeah I noticed a lesbian save me tonight what the hell it's a hair you clearly know I'm just saying if I did not swing the way that as you I will say with my hair I don't know oh no no good looking from that one angle oh sure like that they're like this let's pray all right we'll be right back everybody remember ever you like going to the big-box stores they're Banderas Oh megusta so much Craig see is that a real spanish matador huh you're wearing or the Catholic among us yes in Spain we killed the cats in a quarry de if magnificent yes no usually look boy we don't kill cats course not no course not of course we don't do that that we would never never even we do shoot cats nobody listened anyway no no one anyone soaking look people if people think we're even joke here another I know people for the fabulous treatment of animals which is so mad and you know I'm a big supporter of PETA and it's a great work and I don't want them think in any way suggestion people will be nice to be a big supporter for years you heard what I say yeah but I don't understand what is ruining a big thing to hold your genitals oh oh please all right why do I need a big thing - the big shoes big feet you know they're a big shoes big feet should catch oh no no but you get what I said you can't say that I deal at CBS Tiffany network this is the place where we have all the classy proof I can't even say it with a straight face yeah what can say with a straight face I can't say it with a straight face same with a fragment of what face her with a present and now I didn't get any of you know the real thing is I didn't understand myself well that's probably a good thing because if you don't understand you then there's a good chance the sensor won't understand you and we we might get some of the on the air tonight [Music] [Applause] going to be a real short one yeah so I was like as [ __ ] to the merciful I love the shall we go come on [Applause] [Music] by the bucket let me welcome back to the big show where tonight yeah you know nothing's going over there old Underpants fur but why have you go under pants and under your hat is just you know sometimes I like to stuff I like the stuff too but I don't wear underpants under my hat yeah but you just like to stop to shove it back I can only beg a brain up there no I didn't get any of that you get any of that what's one thing I hate it's an accent you and me some pain that means you and me both okay that was también again again it's like ambien with a tea I do like ambien with eyes of a teenager poutine and ambien you never have to watch the kroger is the drink of kings and queens but now being in your tea that was lovely that's what the Queen drinks you know I just have it happen yeah but she looks great she does look good you know where is the cleaners the queen is four hundred hundred and nine common eight nine years nine years old number two nine hundred the info on the wedding is that true did you know that number you can count on me for accurate numbers in Spanish please pretty soon we're gonna make an app out of me what time is the commander's seat on Tori emails and tweets [Music] well do the better if there's two Randy a beer the spoon my head [Music] [Music] all right this is that risen from mom this is from marina in Frankfurt Germany Yammer uh everybody Frankfurt Germany you know in the best friend yes the good marvelous sausages they do have marvelous sausages you wanna cook they called them wieners like we like our slang name for penis now they call them sausage I am huh this after enough with them are you okay okay everything's fine with me ever no give it here everything's my hobby you pop yeah everything's yours are with me I'll write it down for you later well we nurse I write every time I got an email from Germany I have to speak in a German accent that doesn't bother you does it no clone O'Keefe Eve dear Craig aunt Jeff or you know Chloe Banderas I am single and all of my friends are constantly trying to hook me up with somebody are they being nice or are they patronizing me your German so I say this in a way you're understand lightnings what you do thank you but you swear with an accent that's what brings the lesbians round to your site you get not how you get them that so you get them Hector a novel New Jersey said hey Craig and Jeff cleaver there's my girlfriend can't sleep with the TV off and I can't sleep the TV on which results in constant arguments what can I do Oh sleep with a man or sleep with a man who's on TV superb one stone sinister Marjorie in Montreal Quebec dear Craig and Chloe Banderas my brother is about to be 26 and he won't move out of the house and I want his bedroom any advice on how to make him move out mm I do usually I do is I throw a commercial but that doesn't that's not going to work in this circumstance we just think we have to feel like a dapeng I'm so sorry [Music] yeah tell your brother who's lived there is old life oh we've got to fumigate the play you're going to have to move out again we're so sorry it will preserve it that was how Antonio got me out of the crawlspace for awhile well then it might work alright this is from mark in Aloha in Oregon I thought it was a town called Aloha in Oregon it means hello and Oregon it doesn't mean to lower again if you're all walk come on come on are you okay yes I'm safe I'm saying a wine in a Hawaiian accent ha you say Hawaiian and then you're choking on cat fur all right no I never sure I have never choked on a cat and I have never shot a cat look I love all God's creatures set guys it's a joke I love cat all right as is from Maureen in Portland and Maine because there's two portal is the one Oregon in what may that's right yeah well that's one yes an Aloha it may be right I didn't know that all right dear Craig and Chloe My partner and I are looking to expand our sexual experiences and would like to try a threesome any suggestions and where to find that third person Oh No I don't know where you'd find anyone oh but you're being a threesome now oh yeah but it didn't turn out so good really of what happened however I was kind of a fifth wheel it was a it wasn't a threesome then it was a five so yeah it was a group thing and I came I was really late it was I didn't know it was fall back so I was like an hour oh I say please and then and then I was like so embarrassing is that steady it's awkward because everybody's already going and be like hey I'm sorry I don't and then you don't know what you have to fight your way Eddie like a crazy game of people Jenga and you don't know what yeah yeah I do know what I'm talking about yeah yeah I know you're talking about yeah yeah it just it's awkward you know what I mean you're safe people Jenga right Ginga made with just a bunch of bodies you know in a stack inna cheap yeah I understand what it is plain white white black Asian is looking over listing I think my face is broken all right let's take a break we'll try and fix that for you [Music] welcome back to the big show where well it's not that big a show really it's a pretty small show but we have that why not go change take that everyone else if your fans and your publicity machines and your quit ah we don't need those kind you know I'm going to think we do we do need those guys but we don't have them but what we do have what do we have I'm tend to remember not much really but each other it's night we got each other our faith in the human spirit we have faith in the human spirit right that's right you got your health you've got your I got a battery is dying down over here in that case let me introduce my first game was the end of it the most if you're not in your body now just between you and me will ever know the best literally the best show you ever did I think you and I both know that's not true it was pretty good do this we do this expression how are bad yeah that's pretty good I can always tell when it you Chloe Banderas cuz you're wearing your hat or as they say in Spanish sombrero that's right I also have a sexting neckerchief have you ever run from the Bulls I'm Dutch I chase Dennis Rodman for a couple years Oh bag does that count yeah I guess yeah and then Scottie Pippen he won't call me back but he got it boobie as he was Rodman after you see much of you they don't see much of him let's see he married Carmen Electra and then he put on a dress and then he pulled what's a makeup well no no no that's Dave Navarro oh if I get them all confused up in my rolodex of common electrons exes well let me ask you though do you think you think Dave Navarro would have done well in the Chicago Bulls oh he throws ill oh yes another little in guapa a great distraction they contain about a telex carry people you go less and everybody like the handsome Chicago bill there to be like yes this one we did no shirt and there's a beautiful tattoo oh you got you gotta wear a shirt the NBA rules clearly state you gotta wear shoes right and perhaps on the cup cheese why do you sing neckerchiefs like that why do I you just say [ __ ] chief judge nicotine see how good it feels you know the weird thing is the minute I did I started to try out a little bit bend down I think I got neck a cheese you are going to get an endorsement deal with neckerchiefs I didn't know they were a company they're huge back when I can run them yeah I did but where do you come from again you know [Music] oh oh you think that Bobby sing that no reason to humiliate me that was beautiful yes I was humiliated I was doing an end with your hot dogging a little bit yeah I was joined then with the good-natured hi jingling like an angel and you were showing off a little bit well a little bit I went a bit Mariah [ __ ] at all he's a man I anything so you think you can Craig Tammy not again oh you think you can Craig use your [ __ ] is like that can underwear you wear a koi pond Eris's koi pond Darius today I can tell by the Hat see you get there brown fuzzy I'm wearing it's me yes I like to wear something that's breathable like for something that's possible breathable breathable I'm sorry I have a great deal of difficulty with your I don't know that's okay but that's all I usually wear like live animal fur because an animal still breathing you like to wear live animals and yeah a couple squirrels to make sure they're still breathing so I'm breathable down there is that legal to put live animals in your pants in this country there is a small but underground group of us you I can get your membership is that that Richard Gere safe real I say hey I was just an urban laughing through that cross the line and beside it was Rod Stewart all right sure about Meryl journey doesn't have anything going on well in my eyes just a whole bunch of squirrels yeah about that yeah I feel bad for these woodland creatures of the natural habitat surrounded by it's a good life for them yes they keep them ticket amazing for purpose yeah instead of aimlessly wandering around the forest gathering nuts right I will be wandering around nuts gathering a forest we're going to let that sit there but you wrapped it up nicely yeah like I care to take it to the commercial break this is my favorite part of the show they first break [Applause] [Music] [Applause] Hey hey boy Banderas hit me with some of that hot Spanish mouth organ [Music] alright alright alright yeah I know what you're all thinking oh oh come on drink more philip larkin maybe later right okay ah okay oh wait time for ya is it the time going to work yeah yeah thing you know would you say what are you ready I'll tell you what time is it and then you tell us it's Laura right okay emails I do it No yeah all right just do the jingle [Applause] [Music] me see [Applause] all right this is from Kim and Nags Head North Carolina your better known here in North Carolina there I quite see Tar Heels McGee huh hi Craig and Jeff probably means koi people never take their shoes off when they come to my house is it too obnoxious to put up a sign yes hell do you think you are take your shoes over us I suppose you've got carpets do you take your shoes off when you go into something sighs there Chloe unless their house is a Japanese restaurant no do you remember that scene in that movie where the Mafia guy Donnie Brasco and he goes to the Japanese restaurant and he's wearing a wire and honey boot boot and he came all that intrigue yeah funny did nice Johnny Depp he can make anything interesting onee dead it would make anything except the rum Diaries interesting well so anything except the rum Diaries and shockula oh how do you pronounce that what how do you say that word Joe collides the French word for chocolate oh okay I didn't don't don't French crazy they're all they are they've got a border very close to Barcelona do you ever got there Frances sometimes we cannot land up there we go to the city I can see the cat can that's like we get in a time machine and go see the kingdom Yeah right this is from Patrick in Reno Nevada you ever heard of Reno Nevada it's a very exciting time just to the north a lot a lot of good people of there take crystal meth there was a TV show about it that was very definitive yeah was that Reno name why there was a doctor on not used to where sure so I didn't care for him I don't like that guy I think he went missing yeah he did no I think happened I think he went on a spree he wouldn't oh he went on a crime spree well-armored crime spree he went on a sort of my hunting fry oh yeah he seems he start to dry-humping celebrities we didn't know oh my goodness gracious I hope he got Dave Navarro that's the thing that's all get omens in trouble because Beebe Navarro was so oil done well then the actor who you wore the shorts calibers name ringing around up against a rock and flew off and crashed into Dennis Rodman oh it's a tragedy but he was just as he was a character actor who cared here's the interesting thing about him he was a character actor but he was handsome in an odd way yeah you could drop 15 pounds for sure yeah I didn't want to say what my letter about it's from Patrick who says that dear Craig encore he actually says Chloe look here you get your rebel now is that a tipping Allah ie candy were cold and I'm too tired to cook a real dinner when I get home should I be concerned about my health what does this fall under my youthful 20s you act you eat too much candy knits weddings when I was my twenty thousand student class a narcotics no I'm an advocate now it's a terrible way to live IM down near killed me DBSK I think I just turned everything in there PSA there Judy yeah it's nice would you ever do what would you do a PSA for if they asked you for me probably about be careful with your neckerchiefs like if you leaning over to blow out some candles oh yeah I could catch my eye like the famous dancer Isadora Duncan my goood wore a big long neckerchief go in a convertible car I got caught in the wheel and strangled her they still have her head on display yeah they're the terrible grisly and horrible but we all still talk about it's all better still be talked about didn't get any of that do it man something that we said I say was quoting Oscar Wilde I said it's better to be talked about oh my Oscar Wilde was Irish he wouldn't say toga like god that's the best Irish said I can do I don't love it here's the thing about Oscar Wilde I know what you thinking Craig when will you get back to Philip Larkin in a while but Oscar Wilde oh he dipped his balls in Clio all your time all the time I think he did plays an absolute country yeah way every time are you look up in Ireland that's Oscar Wilde the dipping his balls in a clown that's what makes the rainbow that drove me crazy oh yeah something like asthma patient input Oscar Wilde the biggest holds the clock yes you guys that's right you know what that makes me think that makes me go agree with you it doesn't yeah well we've been completely at a time I hope that's helped anyone has ever right back after these messages whatever they welcome back to the show where today the big philip larkin special thank you that was one of his best works wasn't it philip larkin and we're gonna do after that cat thing in the year is going to be hiking up anticlimax earnest he's the anticlimax part of the show it's okay how do you think about it the whole show is kind of an anti-climax isn't it got paid no song it was a free let me meet I like you when you talk like that baby it's only weight control yeah you know what we great to hear you I don't know either you are doing Transylvania no you got a reboot the horse already boost or reboot that's all you said something by the way I'm working on impressions of other robots okay let's hear where you go hey I'm r2d2 well that one that was in Buck Rogers beetle Billy but Roger see that one it'll appear a little eager it's like we're their mega ds1 danger William rope it in I can't I'm worried about my hair tonight is feeling very springy no don't please don't worry you look amazing I I'm worried about it it's a big show for me tonight this is show 1422 Wow and it got really about six to eight good ones in there I think you'd be very kind there was one one or two good ones right out of the gate the first shoes were very bad but really let's go to a flashback up you're doing it right now okay okay Greg focus on you never heard of this guy here's a little carrot friend okay and I go like that Oh cheeky monkeys hold on fire you you to say that I used to say cheeky cheeky monkey what happened to them what happened to you what's happened to the little cheeky monkey aw they died and the cheeky monkeys they got a little too cheeky one night that I had to take care of them kim ji-mun could you kill a grown-up a cheeky monkey will rip your face off I would I got ya you gotta start to get old were told you're not a genre look you know I get there like bears they look cuddly you go up and try and hug them and they go crazy that's why I don't go to those bars anymore no I don't they are adorable over there Platts your dad and all the internal on the lumberjacking yeah and when you hug them you feel the hair crinkling in their back wow that was a really specific I really went to very specific area I want the ER call me papi you do that second thing again yeah hey Piz you know it's exciting what so it's tiring it up and not going I'm leaving the show for a while you live in the chauffeur that's right oh yes your regular personality is back tomorrow I'm going I'm going on tour and I'm the understudy for Phil India well that's ridiculous you don't look anything like a Canadian you'd be surprised no I'm from the cheap seats I kind of do I say like a and my heart goes out to your a no it's my heart goes oh and you have to do that you have to do that thing you know okay I can watch me take a look my heart goes out to you and [Applause] breathing call you think they are that was a for aliens in Stonehenge or my good if I think he was just like they was big was playing Ginga for giant I was a lot of work to get the Jagger for died you know I have an endorsement deal with them I have to mention them in any or G or through in sentence I think you have an endorsement deal and Ginga maybe not after tonight but hey did you notice did you notice my hair when I came out I knew I should have been wearing a hat like you and then my hair would have been sold I thought you look like if alfalfa grow up to be some all kind of sexy guy and they ended like details of caught like at night and salsa of the night I didn't get the last better you get a fabulous you don't like Ashurbanipal fat that runs on cinema let's take the Alpha well that's right I see little rascal that's all down Roscoe if that rascal is muscle you always like singing at the end to make things sexy don't you sometimes it makes something that does not work supposed to work I know exactly what you mean Claro sí Claro hmm good time Lisa's nicer I saw you looking at all she thought delicioso yes no she's not actually she's Irish oh that's the way I pronounce that this actually you know brunette Irish she used again sir I can't form the words in model well would you this is the part where we come back into I am 2.0 so if you just join in as we've had a terrible time so far my hair went up it went down that's better how's know that it feels like it's staying put alright playing I'll just set my downstairs that's still flapping around the erotic adventures about the erotic adventures of alfalfa starring me I'm going to talk like this the rest of the show we are going to make a mid-level fortune that's absolutely right I don't like this all's I'm Ivette develop from how you normally do I don't normally talk like this I talk mostly like something a little different to this I can tell the difference that's because you're a foreigner which means you're ghastly and unpleasant yes I'm cool now I didn't understand anything what time is it put on saw evil alright this is Rita in Kamloops and British Columbia that's in Canada never giving up there of course you're Canadian aren't ya Claro que si Kamloops it had all that magnificent part of where the Bears go I'd with the quickly hair under the shirt oh yes when you hug the Bears is really bringing to hearing a kind constant look if it's any consolation to you I don't know what market going on either we'll get through it soon your cable will be repaired and we'll never have to see each other again [Music] dear Craig and Chloe Banderas my ten-year-old son wants to take up ice hockey he's Canadian as his mother I'm concerned about concussions and broken teeth how can I convince him to choose a safer sport you can't that's awful you can't persuade a ten year old Canadian boy that wants to play ice hockey not to play ice hockey that's like the reverse of Billy Elliot right right next thing you know he turns to curling yeah he comes the Carling and then from you know what curling the Gateway sport to heroin that's through people's anything getting curling's and he brought in the ice and then they have to wait for a long time for the turn to drugs they take heroin and then you gotta move the store and eventually comes up and they'll go heroin is the only way that curling makes sense [Music] that's not very nice thing to say on sit Andrew's Day I believe not would the patron saint of Canada Saint Bob trick question Celine Dion is the business end together I did no I do not only things like the mid-90s right now probably when that big movie came out when her heart went on yeah yeah okay yeah did you like that movie oh my goodness crash a lot a young a young a Leo DiCaprio yeah I guess I like I like car and that movie which they're in the car and they're having sex and she suddenly put your hands on the car whether in the window like that were crazy the feature film that was in seekers side the video I rented anyway like this is from Donny and Geneva in New York you ever been in Geneva New York or even Geneva Switzerland on magnificant or the tiny watches dear Craig and Chloe Banderas have you ever considered the big cash price you offer to gas would seem even bigger if it were dominant denominated in coins yeah I thought about it great idea let me write it down and then at the end of the show I'll burn it this is from Greg and Salisbury Maryland different it's all free their mail oh yeah it comes what is it that's better day four of the steak personally when I'm in Maryland I go for the craps uh-huh went for it when party in my pants all right there dear try again Chloe Banderas I'm studying for my SATs I'll be doing clearly on practice questions what would be a good resource for me to enhance my vocabulary okay go to at some point in some place in your school there may be a machine that looks something like a little like a kind of sort of a little bit like this but a little bit larger probably more modern for the screen on it it's called a computer and something on there and something on there called the Internet and you can look right that'll help you with the SATs right now oh Clark Aziz you can use the online oh my god the only yeah use that they are like ha ha ha alright this is from an Noah and Salinas and California Salina so maybe Selena Selena said I was like vagina vagina I don't really know no Medina you don't say oh what a lovely Regina made you you probably don't say oh what a lovely vagina alright he probably try not to mention when you get to that point the talking is done I think really alright if you're meeting the Queen you might say all right you better Queen if you met the Queen on a nude beach you might well good day to your majesty and while I'm bowing man just say what a fabulous royal vagina you are why good Dame you [Music] thank you everybody it's been in the family for five it was originally put out by Elizabeth the past oh we out of time oh that's a shame we'll be right back everybody [Applause] [Music] Kuipers think about getting stuffed before you came ask Ellen I would it be so great if they could have mana hide me yeah that would have been so nice are you into taxidermy no I can get you Louie Anderson's foot I know I know I have different using his feet you can't have you can't get Lily under some feet not I know a guy who knows a guy thank you made yourself laugh they're passing out with passing wind yeah well you're gonna you're gonna go back to your normal Jeff Peterson personality tomorrow for a couple of days and yeah I god I'm going a module reboot is complete all right well it's been lovely having you here come back and join us soon one yeah thanks now I'm going to power down have you seen me power down before what's they know it goes like this power down sir two young fans fall I love you I think you think you're making this obviously going on did I let me get it straight then you're not Jeff tonight again that you'll get your it's Chloe but you're Chloe but there yes I don't know he saw easy to understand I am beliefs Amos Bandera you know that yes I know that I don't know that thankful you're the least famous of them underway how come sometimes your personality changes to Khloe Banderas when you're normally Jeff D is the thing about the technology that runs Jeff this was the same technology that runs the Apple 2e okay that's like nothing computer in the world you know so you're telling me you're not that advanced the computer no not you see that like the Terminator those guys yes yeah under like that I'm like a two steps down from a TiVo machine somewhere between a TiVo and one of those real dolls that you have sex with so it's technically possible then for you to have sex did useless without you having sex just there sometimes you sometimes you do the Christmas spirit was feeling inside of me I make a Sun wind yes yeah but not great I cannot make a romance like a regular person know you are you see you can't also I just explain to people who don't understand your comedy accent yeah yeah yeah yeah you can't but if you understand the cover the exit you've come to the wrong I gotta go okay they say not their show for you yeah that's not the show for you what are you saying if you have you know like I did not the show for you it what are you translating me I translate for you I got a map so between servers everyone in America will soon be in Pakistan we should put on a Christmas album together it would be Chloe Banderas and her entrance not bright clothes and friends well I'd be one of your friends back to you on that well no thank you you turned a little bit like Dan Aykroyd in that Coneheads movie remember avatar yeah oh forget that's one of the great that cranberry everyone that's right has a terrible movie evidence of bad movies but not another locater daughter don't you ever say that about the big cheese I like this one oh yeah that's a nice one I like the guy you're so young in the one is a long time ago you saw young ages old fresh tape and scrubbed and jumping around I'm going to change repair tools you didn't see the movie did you ah I skimmed the trailer you read the Sherlock Holmes do you Jeff ah Craig see oh no Jeff tonight it's Chloe Banderas your alter ego who sometimes here with Jeff see if Chloe Banaras over there yes the least famous I'm Antonio Banderas is brother's really who are the more famous brothers of Antonio Banderas that I perhaps should know and don't Mario Mario but there is another one he here Bo Guillermo and then there's one it's Jeff Kurr Rick then of course you know the one from the most impossible that's Antonio that's a story with the other product then do you all are you like the Jacksons do like did you prefer like that by that do you mean unemployed looking for jobs if they buy my projections do you mean trying to wring every penny out of the famous one yes then we know that's probably enough no and it's about your family are exactly like that Craig right okay do you ever read the shell logo ginger I do I do when I read them it gives me a battle rock boner you see what he's in there he used the word Rathbone and turned it into a double entendre containing boner it's like acceptable on the CBS network we're gonna find out when they fail yeah you mean when airs tonight December 19 tub treatment week yes thank you for your support flirty but they're ass back can you take us to the commercial break that now if Alice Lonnie not go to the breaks [Applause] [Music] welcome back we're very excited of course is Monday's start Christmas week is the official lighting of the CBS Christmas tree oh you already Khloe Banderas II okay here we go thank New York City and your giant sling tree from never go in New York and see that big tree there what's called eternal Rockefellers cave I didn't get any of that something about Rockefellers - that's exactly what is that magnificent three not as good as the one in the ground oh yeah the grog Los Angeles has an excellent tree and many products are lovely and available there we're clean add another day do you work what demo I'm trying to oh go for you know I quite like to work at the Grove in Los Angeles that could be used to shoot episodes of Entourage there hmm let you entourage oh my goodness yeah I was great not not really sure deli the way it really is not classy so as makes models always those girls walking around with bikinis and high heels which is a look that favorite often by people in fiction you try getting any women to wear a bikini and high heels in your own life and you'll find out that will happen I've said too much you're seeing a women in real life wear a bikini in high heels oh yeah but that was sad that was Val you know where sometimes we go down to Ciudad Juarez I think you said something about water that's why we got that sometimes we just take in a show south of the border you know is that code for something yeah we go down and we buy cheap prescription pills and it sounds like a good time and then we just see you know like I'm sexual it's a good time it's a good time so what you're saying that it's for a good time get yourself south of the border for some cheap medication and go and see some live sexuals yes that what you just said is literally word for word the new logo of Mexico tourism it's the entire been entire sentence all right he's argued that must be very difficult to get all that on a stuffed donkey you'll be surprised okay yeah I wouldn't be surprised but no I'll live sexual I went to one of them once and I'm sometime you know just to see no I just go and participate no I don't know like I'll go to a live sex show I hope they let me join in cause a dead and what I was I did the warm-up for a sexual one time for a while a warm-up protection jump the audience warm up you know get everybody ready I get everybody ready for all right yeah you know get the bananas beautiful and a UK energy op it's a good job Wow what time is it over there is it bad for the innocent wins the immigrant ways you know the tourism whoo [Music] [Music] listen Karen Jack go Florida everybody talked about Gordon do you like it a little blazer like yours women get naked bits all we love to go down there for theater season yeah when you say we we use the feed we me a couple of other robot skeletons have what's called like kind of like a Red Hat Society red dude Red Hots aside we just said we just gonna live we just want to get out there before before our batteries died and you know and they'd have to be replaced by a bus give out yeah yeah uh well at tyrant judgment for disaster Craig and commentaries I was wondering if either of you two have an arch-nemesis and who is it oh well I'm for me oh boy do you have an arch-nemesis I don't know I'm not sure what the guy who usually does this voice thinks about me so maybe I don't I don't really I suspect the hint sugar this is from Trent Baltimore Mayland ever been to Baltimore oh sorry oh is it great he said no flier there the wire would say guy over there with a wire emma's hilarya wire what's so funny I'm it says you know I'm so funny I know you're thinking of the same wire that everybody else fall yeah they want to go the drug dealers in the life of crime oh don't worry honey through parts of it yeah you know the for the parts where things happened that we're funny what's not funny I thought the show was going to be about marionettes here's kind of disappointing hey who's that band that had all the the new string super they come on guys are great - no strings attached the thumb three points and I might be in the Backstreet Boys the main point a man Oh georgette no vent iota fact or gent them sad we're second side project your fib yeah I'm not defined as you know and then called the back door - let me Jane but yeah we'd like you to be our lead singer oh I love it that sounds a good time I could bring you some of my red hat yeah yeah that would be great quite your jets featuring red hot robots yeah yeah yeah yeah that's a Christmas story right there we're out of time but I just want to show you a picture of a tent we can't touch me arch-nemesis it was a vanilla like right there do you like the bird-watching there coy oh it's so fun see that right there that is a positive helpful appliance where to take it a mine appliance Ellen away yeah you know I just got too much perspective on myself yeah you don't know I'm becoming self-aware no no no no no if it all these any self-aware we don't need self-aware robots and what you don't need if you work in this glory basement this perspective of running make buildings right we'll be right back [Music] [Applause] walking back every day plug it back to the perk show of Christmas week and my first my first guest of this week is a TV icon who is not a gay skeleton robot with a personality disorder but you know actually he might be he's acting like that no no I hate Feliz Navidad over there I love here oh you like come on yeah do not just What did he say let's you oh yeah something like that yeah I'm not quite sure if that's really Spanish of Giselle tell us what is their joke Spanish invented by some opera see comedians I'd love to say if anybody helped you in your career not know a single one nutty not even the robot even that not piece of crap over there when he doesn't like that no I got a kid now of course of course yeah that's pretty classy start to the week when the Regis and the Goo Goo Dolls I mean right there are you going to go you're going to get better than that it's like Christmas already came we said was it's like Christmas already gay stand me please hey you know I think you design well in the Rat Pack we should start a new Rat Pack leave you Regis see you you me religious that's what I said time and we go out and we make movies like oceans fourteen fifteen sixteen yeah Jose will make movies and we'll go to Vegas and get drunk always with some Dame's will throw the crap around oh I see what you mean III wouldn't be the ground runway you mean like chimpanzees not actually wants what I meant he's an old guy why you're telling me the Rat Pack actually through feces each other I'm just saying the one that we start we may happen because you know we're getting up there oh wait I mean it's gonna be hard because you have no digestive system so that's exactly right laughs you know I set off metal detectors and stuff so you said of metal detectors and you can't through the crap I don't I can't follow this case family lodging which we who is going to be our Joey bishop oh well nobody and I mean I'm afraid that probably is my job isn't it yeah I'm the least famous one no no no I think I'm probably the least famous one but we can get someone less famous than the desert it's going to be hard though that's famous that's famous day you yeah oh boy oh boy oh boy hey you know you know the thing about being famous one time I don't know do you know a thing about me guys I don't know I was we should have collegian yeah reaches her I thought wow that guy yeah that gun don't count even you know and you know his book he doesn't mention you or me at all really you skimmed it for your name I didn't skim it I read the whole damn thing really you know what they crown why didn't I didn't read it because he's looking for his life that we shot on the deck the picture on the back is called jazz hands yeah that's what that's called it's all right there we're out of time thank you good night Merry Christmas good man police and fire first guest tonight is a very funny man thank God a good friend of the show and he's got great legs Tom line and everybody so [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Applause] [Music] that's good I'm just know for a fact that I'm gonna wake up tonight and think did I rub butts with Craig and the sword like a backwards booty quake and I just don't know how I'm gonna have mixed feelings about it I think not I think will wake up tonight and hot sweaty and and remember our butt rubbing and then the thing we did there because it wasn't fake there was actual contact oh yeah yeah I feel let me I see you do have a very firm arrangement I think God knows my buffers rubbing against your heart of your cheeks is very hard than the other one not so hard and you know it's weird there's no phone back there that's just that sure that means that yeah yeah yeah yeah good time uh here's the thing about leap day oh yeah hi Tom yeah yeah here's what I don't believe about leap day okay how okay did they when they first figured out that it doesn't add up right right did somebody say like here's what I'm going to do it's February 29th I'm going to leave some breadcrumbs on today and then a year then a year from now we'll come back and see if they're still there no because they're gone the day disappeared it doesn't make any sense there's no way [Music] what I'm saying is there's no way to test there's no physical way to tell that the year is any longer that is insane you thought of that insane like a [ __ ] yeah have you ever seen that insane folks I've never seen any woodland creature you thought was mentally challenged like like maybe not an insane Falk's but maybe a bipolar badger well something like that what was the voice that you did in Winnie the Pooh I will there you go I thought that one was pretty weird oh come on that exam is like totally like this don't just know insane but and I was not a woodland creatures bird yeah woodland bird though do you think well you get out you gals on the Prairie right then but there must be there must be insane animals right I think I think it's almost something and we don't know minnows all flamingos are insane yeah but they're not you can't tell because they're not loners usually only title Yahoo yeah yeah they're all together so it's validate each other exactly seems like what they basically are is they're just a group of colorful serial killers yeah just just wandering it the noise they make that kind of power oh that the night Damon yeah yeah Oh like Hannibal Lecter that's the noise yeah yeah they go that they've been talking about the screaming oh yeah yeah you you got close to them and you can hear they're going with the Lord's little buzz good yeah the lotion in the basket when was the last time you smelled a flamingo really up close now we talked about that so and it's your Jeff naívi talking because flinging flamingos smell awful don't they absolutely true she said terrible yeah terrible oh we heard Ellie do you go to a fantastic zoo they've got all the thing those geniuses of the zoo have a kettle corn stand right next to the Flamingo yes that and they try to waft you know they try to walked over to cover up but the fact is you can still smell oh that's the thing now when I felt flamingo I get hungry right better name if you had discovered flamingos in the wild yeah smelled them I don't think you would say let's call these flapping go no no no you would you say click packs or something yeah yeah not munchers a flock or whatever a lock of nut bunch I don't know something swear I love that song be dead what was that I I ran I ran it's a crazy with a hot-button subject we don't talk about don't talk about right that's not talking about Iran people don't like it well even in the flock of big ol cents and I don't know what the other sense is because I don't keep up on politics you know what's going on over there I'm just a pretty one that talks to the camera yeah that's a nice thing I don't keep up on I like one of the fun things about Twitter is you get to hear all the things that you're not paying attention to I I have noticed that on Twitter I know don't even have attention for tweets like like I get to have like a good oh yeah I don't even read it I'm gonna spend the next point three seconds reading this yes ah yeah but that's really the only place I get my news is from your tweets pretty much that's bad there are many bad shape oh it's really really hey you know where I get my news where's a from commercials that he doesn't before amazing cuz I'm going to go to a commercial break so I'm like like a real talk so I was like from commercial regularly you know like that thank you we're done where's the brain bit of this and the starts and it's really exciting then the bad goes to God [Applause] well yeah working here just commercial [Music] [Applause] [Music] welcome back I'm here with homeland well oh yeah no in one real oh yeah well one at a time so I sit on pantomime Rock yep it's not all Danish ladies tonight modem and enough for my taste have you ever ever made it with a Danish absolutely we had a wonderful patisserie that we would go through back in my single days oh you mean for me I'm not very you know a very traditional doughnut yeah I walk in with a bear claw and a chocolate sauce on yeah we're still out of time so anyways you want the most or again you want the awkward pause or you want to go for the big cash product I always lose the big cash prize I would like a very specific awkward pause well how specific I don't know I feel like you can give me an expert-level awkward pause as I'm new Europe I do alright then awkward pause the subtank yes please alright here's the yogurt puzzle okay I am your father you have come to me to ask me for money to start a new business and at the same time come out and tell me your game right which is a bit of a problem because I'm not good around that so I got it I got back [Music] they are great they're good for a minute yesterday only is it here's the thing I think you have a note on it no no nope I don't know egg box I become so interested in generally I'd like to continue add one more level to it yeah I'd like to add dialog oh all right oh boy father yes I can't take over the pestis Yuri I prefer to bear with no dialogue yeah let's go back to that yeah but my theory holds up that you can't tell how long the euros [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] by buying a robot welcome back everybody much Garan you scared myself my first guest tonight is an actor who's there now How I Met Your Mother which season premiere is on Monday September the 24th on CBS take a look at this please welcome Tom line is everybody [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] whoo baby you've been working quite the contrary no you just did it right there that's why I could go work it out I'm actually wearing one of those resident evil uh sort of courses yeah man Spanx man Spanx yeah thanks my other quick question we have Secretariat out we got Jeff we got the ladies come back is this show on anywhere in English also you're not familiar with God indeed evil Sarkin that's what we're doing here oh I love it's a German word meaning Belton shown felt insurance no health insurance is not a German wealth and valvetime does go wrong this show has been sponsored by some great health insurers over the years why would you want to insure felt you can see the whole audience now in the beautiful new stage I have to say I am rather surprised at the amount of try attractive people the Jesus yeah we've got it all in its plan well no I can't imagine Braavos the time they're you know I'm talking to you ya know and cleavage and bronzer yeah and another little white teeth and all kinds of yeah white teeth yeah Wow yeah who knew and the little key that will off a little case well you couldn't tell and also that was the audience that was in there they were always there awful people there's the same people every night so they just a kadai lived there it was a it was a community of hobos who lived here I didn't I was wondering cuz you go in and they'd be cooking up beings around a big drum and I couldn't tell if they yeah have you ever lived ruffle in the streets have ever lived rough on is one I did I fell asleep on the street one time maybe twice I know it's like a homeless person story uh let's see yeah fell asleep on the street once in Athens Greece yeah yeah really it was just well that's no that's that's not being a hobo that's backpacking around Europe you're in the gap you that's a very different thing from riding the rails yeah I guess I didn't come up with I didn't write any great like protest songs my tongue I didn't do any great hobo like Woody Guthrie stuff did you did you go around Europe backpacking oh I did did you have a voyage of sexual discovery pretty much yeah I guess I guess that's actually yeah that's pretty accurate yeah something we're back Oh Rick long time no see I haven't seen you just Athens I'm kidding oh yeah did you like Athens it was great do you like do you like cities that are 105 degrees in the shade are we talking Reno yeah everybody's on Vespers I like that kind of man yeah no European look at you yeah I am the eyes what do you mean look at me why do I look you're embracing that we call them suspenders America under yeah yeah they're suspenders races have buttons it's that true that's exactly true that's something you look it up google it you've changed man yeah you've changed how I know what braces are yeah yeah since you went to Europe got all fancy this is a long title do anything I've got a child oh yeah me too is imported wages your little when the three oh that's the worst three of those words yeah word is he poop on a diaper I just don't show it to you no no he's trying he's trained he is trained quickly was he trained uh you know as soon as piles of candy got involved much faster you know there was a whole poops piles of candy automatic Wow yeah you're on a gold mine there buddy we found them one day in a Cabbage Patch in a unicorn kissed him I need this poops out candy it's really great no you know you've got you go quickly from the trying to do the you know you read all the books about parenting and I'd like to do this and be supportive and do this and then at a certain point it's like here's a racist peanut butter cup please do something you know if you take a jump and that little passe I'll give you this chocolate yeah yeah yeah I do that yeah and I don't know is this a great thing to do so like the best life lesson to be taught like yes yeah pretty much I said it's an important this I get candy yeah yeah yeah if you do something that other people approve of you will be rewarded other other other people's kids like they speak Spanish and they're cool when they do bodies people's kids speak Spanish see right that yeah yeah no no my my kids speak Scottish this is their like Scottie versus cottage line yeah yeah I got like yeah yeah God you never had it was he/she Ethan okay how are you not a hobbit actually he tall but that you could so be one could but I could have said I'm too tall and my feet are smooth is there an animated felt will we ever do animated films without you again I don't think so I'm in all animated movies now yeah that's how I make my money yet okay it for this but I every literally every time I turn around you're either like a squirrel or a log or life I don't remember being a long long wise old what her follows that's right well you you see people think that Scotty Jackson is trustworthy unlike your sneaky accent that you have yeah go bite ya know say oh hey Jeff yeah he was good on me on me looking good the fire is nice yeah thanks not too hot for you the fire let's sit on the right house look at this break expect we'll come right back we'll talk about some more stuff [Music] on the point [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Music] and I drag my pencil I'm so sorry it's a slang word come on Manny German and I'm so sorry did you really no no I'm fine all right have you ever done that have you ever done that like by accident like oh yes your Gabaldon love oh yeah come on matter searchers yes like just right there did you do yeah no but it was pretty close yeah really it was really it was real as a squeaker yeah we're [Music] [Music] Jackson Thank You VI you're like a squirrel in so don't do the thing with the eye you're overdoing we could do some kind of lightning bug movie if we made a Scottish alright friends you be the light is buggin out with a wise old bridge attendant you shall not cross my bridge the answer the question screen I have to have and of where I'm from I can tell you where you're from what I why am I going to these no harder than they look yeah yeah I love anything they ever make anyone betrayed yeah well we're out of time you want a nap it's impossible I would love an apple all right listen don't lean on everybody table nowhere [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] welcome welcome welcome Tom Tom Tom tonight tonight you're gonna be playing for the coveted tiny hat I love it I thought I was gonna wear be wearing the tiny you want to wear the tiny I don't wanna much of your hair looks great do it to her eye then you ready when you do watch out it turns me into something turns into mean fella Oh like no so let me get my oh don't take it off take it off welcome back anyway [Applause] I know I've no control over that whenever you put any kind of leprechaun hat on me that just happens really you're talking that extremely convincing Irish accent it's a little it's a little it's a little bit worse they're coming to go and what's going on my outcome you get to me I didn't ask for that one actually hey I said all the Blues you [Music] know they're scared this is like the home version of The Late Late Show game yeah that's a great idea idea we can make money never latvian funds would either work out and in latvia that's a good Saturday night don't say it man arrange tomorrow I don't want to arrangement arranged I don't want to arrange things I was gonna say a word and then I said arrange you ever do that what's that say the wrong word yeah all the time all the time throw that throw the hat back on it when in doubt just go right back they just tell me about that sure the thing were you playing the guy that's what this is a hilarious trap you seen the show ask abroad I saw a little bit there earlier and other than that that's it I it's funnier than you it's a lot funnier than you think you know most of my character exactly yeah you see character of you like it's actually really good I am is this a brag friends with carrot top I see this yeah I have a car we brought I think we're just being show business guy like we talked about are supposed to spread you're being a late-night dude right I'll be the late-night doing she's like hey do you play golf was that guy yeah the other day me and carrot top or as I call him Scott we're hanging out yeah don't Scott he's gonna hang it in the sauna and he did the Wendy's bid for me [Music] cuz that's how we roll uh no I'm like carrot um yep you know Kurt Opsahl it you can't you can't you can't top that [Music] you know strong you ever been you ever been picked up my carrot top you ever like been Bair huggers actually yes yeah yes yes yes I have oh no any way to show this your looks funny though it looks already like you're super funny show you can see it on on Yahoo every Thursday and Friday yeah that's all it was E I know it's on e on my on Mondays well you get it you kind of just listen either like that's not as important yeah I think people are good like what we think we're second best Yahoo Romo that's not in any way whatever then you were like yeah I don't even Monday but it does Yahoo Thursday right oh gosh give me this is this is why you have this reputation for being such a douche I [Applause] know I got I can't help it and this is why you have the reputation this is mr. cops if you ask if you baxter when you come to the program they say which ones you want I said all the Blues do I tell you a story about somebody on a late-night show I can't tell you it was but it was Madonna on Conan and if one appointed a guy thank me for your hand I can't tell you who it was Don Ferguson Philomena could be that when Madonna was on she asked for abundant scented candles and then we don't left her dressing room she took all the scented candles apparently yeah yeah I've got to but in no way legally true I take this I take a I take the toothbrush that you get when you come here every time I got a check home yeah yeah you get one again I'm not toothbrushes they make it might be made for just cats and dogs but they give it you buzzes it's got a real long handle and it tastes like meat yeah I don't know I don't know if that's a toothbrush I bought I have a machine at home that Madonna uses to tone her but when she comes run to your house and to her buck she's like onions me my tits me madona I've come in time to be back accent was almost to something yeah she's thicker than that yellow ah no but there's a machine you stand on it vibrates and apparently I know who's been checking out Madonna's but lately know many people I don't think okay do we have a clip why would we have a clip of that that's insane don't mind Lake is deleting anything do me a click when are you taking it out on tomorrow well what do we got left ball plants level something hey hey [Applause] even though Paul McCartney yeah I gotta say I'm very impressed because I've met the people in the booth and I'm glad they haven't been just googling Madonna's but back there and they don't have it readily available no their party don't hey what how is that even something you have and from my personal collection just take a break [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] oh my god I mean we're I mean we're Tom Lennon and I told me at the time that's not how this works you douche you know we all right saying look the clock over there 43 seconds 42 41 are these segments always timed yeah yeah yeah possible to tell from the way you talk yeah I know I'm no certainly more this is terrible because I just want to get locked up in burning love be on watch that that's great yeah yeah oh this is terrible when I was like sports 27 passed passed me Pat I'm open I'm happy we got 22 seconds left what's this one there is amazing we're not at the buzzer no buzzer no frisbee yes some frisbee no [Applause] [Applause] you [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] my first concern a cool directed and co-wrote the film hell baby which will be shown at the Bonnaroo Music Festival that's for the kids love yeah yeah the music festival on the June the 14th it's good friend of the show genius he's got a numerous - don't mention it I don't think that he I think he's a little sensitive about oh yeah yeah so when he comes out I'll go oh wow what start good don't go Oh miss - when he comes out but please welcome everybody [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] then come shaaka so hey Tommy anything going on massage right off of you no I'm good man I'm cool now I'd alright come on let me see let me see it it's good yeah Greg the tie looks great don't worry about it Longman long it all fits right there I mean it's too long I made an error of course I could have been really draws the eye though does it yeah you told my pyramid sir it's all here anywhere else no come on don't look at that now on you drew me there now look over here then well they'll do that the thing about the mustache Craig yeah that's pretty weird is it's not weird when you realize you're like oh I'm growing a mustache I'm growing a mustache but then you start to really love it it becomes part of you you know it's like you're such like what spider-man finds out he's spider-man you know [Music] I'm a hell of a mustachioed target right there it feels that good well I guess you know if you don't make me say that I think you may have some product in your hair right now the products in your hair is not the same as the product in your massage your massage seems to be more poufy your hair is waxing I hate to admit that I did before I came but learning to do you like you have not seen one of them robots a kangaroo's it's a robot you ever seen mother says it vacuum yeah yeah it goes around the pool and sucks up all a robot kangaroo that you throw in your pool yeah yeah yeah I think so and then what's the catch phrase for that when you're 20 again when you when you win everything down and up and yeah I mean it's already not a catchphrase it's already too long to be a catchphrase when a robot can when you pools needs in the land of a robot kangaroo and only one will do its kangaroo bar so what'd you say I didn't understand much of that I tell you know the Australians are going to be mad at you no because that wasn't a good accent Australians get mind if you if you don't mind you're doing their accent but you've got to do it good you don't do a good evening well it's with me all right wooly great that's very really great right okay Mario no trying that's it style rah rah rah I have to get a quick question are you having an Australian person or an Australian animal animal okay all right you have not get much more right you have to guess which animal I'm doing right from Assyria right and then you got it I got it all right ready yep ah I know exactly what you are what it is you're a wallaby in a leather bar yeah all right yeah you do [Applause] [Music] eggs nor deny any count I a dingo yes yeah all right well that's good have you ever been just trying I've never been to Australia no because it's always winter there and I it's no no no well when I would go it always is well change your plans can't do that are you very like that you just won't change a plan or away any I'm wrong no no have you been down there it's so far away now I have been Australia a couple of times yeah dress different when you're there yeah yeah Pat with the quarks I don't yeah course yeah no no they're pretty likely you're just like guys accept things go into the other way yeah you know like when you when you take the water out of the plug hole that goes around the other way no apparently I've never noticed what was around up here to be honest I do everything around yeah no I don't have bad hours I've become an American no of course yeah do you have bath uh you know my son takes bath in love well he doesn't eat a little baby yeah he's very little I mean no one knowing yeah yeah but he's diseased your son pays for well it's pretty good no no no no no yeah do the worst no come on man baby is the what baby is a big big waffle ah I'm sorry I was doing my animal again there I was very good wallaby in another bar I think yeah we go to DreamWorks it's a movie wallaby in a land Papa animated movie yeah well abena leather para I like it I like the Willoughby have a girlfriend it's in a leather bar what what are you thinking it's it's for a niche audience yeah yeah it is a little bit that's all right have you been a lot of leather bars I'm trying to think it feels like no it feels like no [ __ ] ever been to 106 leather bar sex I don't think I've been to a sex club I've kind of occasionally meandered into the wrong situation but I've never actually been in a club where it's advertised you know come here where a specialist in the special equipment and hope for the best and weird stuff ya know I don't die doing I accidentally ran into a swingers convention once Wow well over at the the Sportsman's Lodge we happen to be filming right and a lot of people came in sort of real sexually dressed tight let shiny stuff women - yeah yeah Wow yeah and I'm talking solid threes and fours well yeah and everybody had their name tag on with like a apt symbol and you realized it was an armed line swingers club meeting for the first time oh man here you know this is probably okay right here let's have some of this anyway ah we got to take a break for for pencil hygiene reasons we were right by Potomac [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] I'm here with my special guest Berkowitz Awareness Week Tomlin is here well done tour and the show you're gonna go as he gets me this weekend I can't wait especially because I always thought when I read the book I was like if only this was in 3d oh my god it sounds like a sacrilegious to say this if I didn't care for the book either I was like us it's a guide vanes the guy he looks at stuff and he said yeah yeah yeah I can do that I'm doing that every day yes exactly sitting around looking at Sam yeah I originally almost auditioned for the Caprio movie witty yeah well you mean you almost addition to like you you thought about it but they wouldn't let you and I don't know it's the first time you know me you know I don't say no to anything well welcome to the show tonight no but so uh they I got a I got a call from my agent they said Martin Scorsese's casting director is very aware of you Wow that was my exactly what I heard wow I was a little tougher Wow that was it yeah when they said they said there's a role in the new DiCaprio movie that you would be perfect for wow that's nice and I said great what is they said it's Patrick the butler look at the scene come in and love for you to read it for Martin Scorsese so I look at the scene open it up Patrick the butler is caught in a all fully nude in a gay orgy in in Leonardo DiCaprio's mansion penthouse is this part mankato the only line Patrick the butler then says is I'm so sorry he then gets beaten up and hung naked out the window of the apartment and and I thought so wait Martin Scorsese thinks I'm perfect for this yeah every long day you know cuz that's here we go your mom comes to set visit what are you doing today well you know they're hanging me naked out the window yeah yeah yeah well it'll be so hey the glamour yeah oh man yeah made me sad yeah so anyway I'm probably doing it yeah yeah yeah all right well good luck with that don't let in everybody [Applause] [Music] captain [Music] what if I go to another bite my first guest tonight cool directed and co-wrote the film hell baby although you see it when you go to the movies you need I got two tickets for Hal baby the theaters now take a look at this [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Applause] you have to think it for a while Tom I never break I really thought the floor would be more slippery and you hurt yourself that it wasn't it really hurt quite a bit yeah you're not allowed to sue though because that was your idea running around like that yeah yeah you did that you look good that's kind of stuff Springsteen Deborah could see Springsteen yeah what I want to see Bruce Springsteen a the Staples Center yeah yeah I started like I love Bruce Springsteen yeah and then I but for hours and I'm like yeah something like that when you go Bruce I'm done and I later text me the rest of it yeah yeah yeah he plays a long show yeah it does were a good one yeah no he's good you like you like Springsteen love him you love the Smiths you know it was tweeting about how much you love to look at this look at this hair you know I thought is it yours no no no no but it's I'm renting to own it so really good actually the superhero hair three more times after Iran just I own it then and I can lease it out and stuff yeah really good thanks buddy let's never run up and down like that again Wow no I would wear no we're not as young as no no I'm just hoping to get saved by the German Bell at some point ah dr. Kerr Subash ah geez you're running around super when do you do it one time we do it again yeah yeah very hard to trick you with jazz but he has never given additional German to me the sun's more like sort of creepy guy from Morocco maybe a sunfish is almost born in Morocco but resting Dusseldorf so what's going on he'll baby that looks like is one for the kids it's a thought-provoking film babe ways of exorcism and babies from hell yeah it's one of those mood you ever see like trilogy of terror not one of them do you ever see a really crappy horror film your hole yes yeah it's one of those yeah it's one of those were on corpus the one part on purpose right right right yeah all right yeah on purpose did you start out making a kind of parody of a horror film and then realize or you started making a real horror film and so we'll just call it a priority just in case just in case yeah right and you got your bases covered right so one of those movies you know where like a demon comes in and kind of bikes people's faces off from that kind of stuff so and this is a comedy so the funny bits and then demons that I pee on faces a lot you know what it will weirdly remind you a lot of the dance that you do at the beginning of emails and tweets it's like the movie version of that you know when your boobs are out your dough yeah that actually happens in the movie you take your boobs up in the movie my boobs are out a little bit in the movie other other people's boobs in the movie ah right right okay yeah so um you have boobies in the movie it was boobies what doesn't look like you right you wrote the movie right yes sir good man right to move it yes all right so you rate the movie now right and there's boobies oh right and then but doesn't your wife see it go well your hands on what do you know just like this seems now here's the thing it would seem if you read the script you're like Tom did you just write seven-minute nude scene for Riki Lindhome because that would be so weird and answers yes yes you did write exactly what I did there's no twist to that do you ever write new things for yourself oh my goodness you've seen my work yes I think I did a nude scene on this show well we may already close to it well what it was was we fed the cameras were running they where in Ramah oh that was where I was also wondering why it was in the parking lot yeah like it and I would be the guy there yeah I was like correct this is your personal vehicle this is weird it's different this is just a bit for the show just lean over there and turn on the radio I remember how I thought I thought it best it was some sort of test of my loyalty even though yeah I wouldn't test your loyalty I know you're loyal to yourself it's your business without lying to yourselves come on not to be a jerk know what you know I am going to be a jerk okay asks for the pink Cup what's going on around here well I guess people thought you weren't quite ready for checkmate yeah I had them put coffee in my cup tonight and it had some frothy coffee it's pretty frothy I'm Frankie Drake coffee I'm afraid to drink it oh it was in case it won't kind of like rawr and then it looks like I'm possessed yeah have you ever performed an exorcism no well in one in the movie yeah yeah but you've never actually I've been in a haunted house and seen one happen or yes well yes what here's the thing when we were down we shot the movie New Orleans that joint sit down there everything is haunted ready haunted you take a ghost tour all they do is they say that one that one that this is easy road or that way don't even go there tonight yeah yeah right a Nicholas Cage owns these four right Nicholas Cage owned the haunted ones of the no haunted ones all of the above right okay he owns a lot of already there Jason so the first not first night we were down making this movie in New Orleans right I'm sitting at the computer typing some brilliant screenplay okay uh my wife was so vote one was a movie froley loaded five okay why my wife was over on the other side of the apartment and my son was running there was three rooms and he keeps running from room to room and he's and there's a thunderstorm in New Orleans and he runs by me and he says hi daddy and runs by here and says hi mommy and he runs to the back of the apartment where we can't see man he says hi Edward I was like the shiny pom-pom yeah hi mommy hi Daddy hi Edward I just meant the bathroom a little bit there man that here if you better go I certainly do you do know certainly do really really for sure absolutely I'm from Scotland man yeah yeah like in the house of Scotland you're president a ghost okay yeah yeah everything everybody knows the ghost and there's good one in the family and so we just you guys have Quidditch and stuff and your Quidditch and we you know we have patronesses I have a boner deal with my patronesses I know I'd love to see it Leno Leno is my patron oh that was almost went over my head but I just yeah but wait one um but the boys for so you're not reading Harry Potter to him yeah you're gonna be no he's four would you like him sure yeah I got one I got one a 12 and 1 a 3 so 4 yeah I could provide miracle it's not miracle and you think about leaving them at an Arby's all the time no I love my boys a good boy it's just intense yeah I know it's hard work you gonna have more yeah it's intense to find a tiny little version of you that constantly is punching you in the balls whether it's on purpose or by accent but it'll just run at you and sometimes it's lobe it feels a lot like wow those just like a linebacker running at my balls now have you ever had a linebacker running at your ball well in the 90s but right yeah I think I defer has Dave the robot yeah don't you go it was the club I was talking about last night on the show those great I used to know the great episode left last thing you guys to show that I of course I did it easily elbows I got hurt I mean do we have a clip of that shirt amazing we have a clip of a diesel shirt from last night I don't do you I suppose we could find it we'll just keep talking until they find it Peter's client can have on awkward but this is a bit like the monologue whoops keep it as we should see I like the monologue where'd you learn about your mini pants do you call them your mini pants because they look Mindy or they taste minty all of the above girl have you got clever Vin Diesel's shirt last night you do it I mean it was on CBS in fact if that's any help to you it was I think you see I remember it like it was like it was gel like it just happened right yet I mean it was one of those things like oh yeah it's like what's weird is I was going to suit last night but we didn't exactly a little bit different this high is very different I do I mean that's how you know that's how it is tonight and no last night because of the size but the suit is very different because you know this slightly more herringbone oh it is yeah yeah and you peed in it before would I peed episode I never peed in it why'd you say I never peed in my suit why did you say I peed in my shoe almost every time you come out here you're always accusing me of peeing let's show a clip of the beginning of the interview when you said that you peed in your suit a tiny bit if if that helps you grow healthy bi yeah you guys got nothing of you yeah we can just you can't roll that is happening we're live right now yeah no I mean we can do dyes Mobius would go back we'd meet ourselves the whole chain maybe they bike to the future but he nearly makes out with his mom that's totally isn't oh oh you went to her yeah no that was weird when his mom paint some attractive and he's like nearly Kistner and it's his mom I was like oh and you were like tell me more yeah take a break we'll be right back with oh man [Applause] [Music] we take a knee [Music] now go back every day I'm here with Tom Lennon who sometimes he gets right off the chair yeah and then you'll do that and do 50 dips just like that and we're done ah sorry if there was interference in your region so I look what happened look what happened right there that power you go that Hollywood you hear that totally woodpile right there I said I didn't want this cup yeah seven or eight minutes went by yeah a guy came out looked kind of annoyed that he was pretty mad yeah yeah that's dad you know he does the kung-fu oh yeah yeah you kick your ass for that when you leave he's like give it to any martial arts I did I did I tried to do Taekwondo for a little while what happened what happened was I was it was all girls in the class I'm me doesn't say bad yeah here's the thing was they're grappling no well yes right with the big tough dude Vin Diesel sighs dude biz right and running the class here to school in the South Bronx so we would teach you I kind of walk home safe and stuff right so I was always always the demonstration see that you don't wanna ended up just being a lot of like oh yeah what if I take one too at that i quando the foot fist way best way that's what it is now say I think I said that would you know what you started you sure check at the video store because it's next to something well the video store we still have that the video store back in time about ten years the video store which I guess they still have the videos you're obviously in a martial arts for me yeah I was I Kendall uh-huh Japanese stick fighting stick fightin all right sucker I just made it up coke and Eliza is our salon yeah yeah Japanese stick fans but I can't do it yeah I wouldn't fight a stick I wouldn't know where to begin right what did they ever do to us exactly I stick is to stand that the way of the stick you stand very still and people think that's just a stick and then they move on I feel like I could take out you know once a while you'll see sort of older people doing like idhe and the part I feel like they don't see me coming I could get them yeah you probably do that you know I think if they see you though they could kick your ass really slowly and as like yeah [Applause] please welcome two lovely top line and everybody chosen [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] Oh [Applause] hey Tom thanks so much thank you so much oh my god are you excited to the point of uh uh or can we say that I thought we were gonna be a little dirty to be able to see it but he seems to be quite happy with very clearly just making a baguette a moment ago careful careful I'm feeling that delicious baguette you just made oh I thought I was perhaps I said what it wasn't I well I actually what was in my mind was I was playing an oboe hey did you see youngest learn off was initial amazing no put them up yeah no well the gantry what can I do it's not right here yeah doesn't mention that's like I standing by the Beatles and they do like hey all you need is love very exactly it's like it's better than going to Russia and being part of the Olympic Games hmm how about those opening the opening ceremony huh oh ah yeah justic all the spandex so much pageantry and span is a lot like the show hey I'm sorry Sean saves the world cocaine's well that was a good show I here's here's the thing I was so good in that yeah I know I was so I was positive positive I emailed my publicist once and I said look I know we're not getting great ratings but I think there's a really good chance I could get an Emmy for this oh my god and he go yeah he never wrote back don't worry that's a person who works for me yeah he still works for you and he doesn't yeah yeah what are you doing watch me on this show what are you messing around with your tummy there what's going on I thought my tie looked weird let me think no it was good thanks going do it I've just had this repaired yeah well Jeff you know you know in the Olympics there is a one of the events is the skeleton escape we're talking about it you go down on the skeleton yeah dude how do they let you do this every night I've no idea man I'm convinced it's because they really don't know I'm here like they really don't like leaving a cat they think they canceled it years ago but it somehow it was delivered to the wrong show probably your show and then and then I'm still here and but I said I hope they deliver my Emmy to you - then let's now if I get what I'll move it on DME people do notice you were on my show and then and then look at this you were on Sean saves the world and then suspiciously six seven eight weeks go by cancel yeah it's definitely definitely ya know I think I would like two months ago bye boom overnight cancelled well we best don't have me on again the midnight show wood cracks a big help with Chris Hardwick isn't it you guys doing great and you're you're you're around kids goof around and tweeting on the Tweety yeah yeah I told you on the Tweety yeah yeah we go that's what I found that's how I mostly know about you I got an email from you the other day an email from me yes really Oh exciting I've never gotten yeah I've never gotten an email from you as well I hope you took to heart what I said you said all you needed my bank account numbers and you would give me I could get three million dollars I just had to loan you a little money or something like that that's true yeah yeah it said you are a prince in Scotland but you don't have access to your cash right now it was very convinced have you ever been to Scotland I have been Berlin column it's the capital city yeah it's like is was into DC in the United States then I've been there I have been and I went and looked for Nessie he he or she is not there it's not there no in Edinburgh it's the capital city you have to go to local enough cool you went with look this over really the Loch Ness monster is in Loch Ness yes that's where that's where it is wait what'd you do I know if you're doing that thing to be soon arguments you look at your invisible friend and your invisible friend bikes like Tiffany versus invisible boy he doesn't even like cam I grew up kale he doesn't he just says it you know what you should do a reality show with the other hoes way to family oh I'm available I think I'd be great you you're not available though your executive-produced you're on your own that is look at that's like what this guy does yeah I know so nothing I know I think that the man nothing you can you eat that gets right you just skulls but wait you're the man no - how so Obama met on the system yeah yeah you're the board man you're at your Yuling or yeah resistance is futile with you man you none of us I gotta get a catcher you trust me up kind of like a board last time I was on the show yeah that's right well no you dressed yourself up like that I said you want to be in a sketch new like oh yeah let's but where do I get spandex I get I get an email from you other than the email about how you're a prince and I cry right now get back to your money uh I get an email it's like hey do you want to come be in a sketch on The Late Late Show I'm so excited no I guess not all get off you bet now excited because I didn't read the script all right I didn't read the script and I show up and all of a sudden people start coming in my room with a spam deck with like a leather mmm the HondaJet ball guy mm-hmm they bring that to my room too but I never do this is what happens when you don't read the script no this is what what happens is you do well because I did a movie called Lanie the wonder dog and then this is what happens it are you in Lenny the Wonderland II the wind 'red oh the last movie Reverend and well I don't like to save it's a bad movie because some people worked really hard on it don't me you know but but yeah it's a pretty it was a nice a small group of people to enjoy that movie I was in boat trip boat trip yeah Jim say that one yeah that's that's quite a movie but you got it you got to see Lenny the window dog though I see the reason I took I was going to do for you play I play the evil guy I can't remember I don't know like I can see I was getting to vote I can tell you alright so in the divorce like I'm getting divorced my life is hell everything's going wrong and I get this script and they say it's shooting in Florida in the middle of the summer the movie this script is you this is the opinion of my agent the script is crap and the money is terrible but you're out of town for six weeks I said I'll take it yeah you just explained my entire movie career 100% yeah yeah What to Expect When You're Expecting that are you in that movie apparently I'm in everything either you rent a load of movies we had so many movies yeah I'm under surveillance you ever going to eat typically see them I you know I you know I've never seen boat trip for example I have I don't have time see every movie I'm in you know I was I was in a lemony snicket movie oh yeah it's actually I think it's a good night never seen it but I was in it and then I did cut me out of it then I get dressed up every day for months but they were using a person of indeterminate gender yeah yeah but here's the thing add a sound effect later imposed to make like everybody was excited system know why a live show nope you know why I know fine I audition for that role oh well I wish you got it but they yet yeah here's the thing Walter parks who's like big movie for a movie producer right well yeah he's like oh he I mean he loved him he wanted a oh yeah right he literally enjoy you had a tail he's dope but he whose are right to say so I'm at the craft services dressed as the half-man half-woman character one day and I I'm not enjoying the experience ready cuz I like yourself right right right and I know I don't like the experience of making the movie and he came over and he said how do you enjoy the experience of making big-time movies Greg and I said I don't care for at all I don't want to do it again and he said that can be arranged yeah wallah the wondering why we're living it hold that whole opening ceremony saw amazed I know no it's not going on about it oh man either I don't want to give NBC any more more viewers anymore than I was giving them oh right I was acting that out of the park yeah yeah we're saying about NBC usually you wanna get canceled if you win your tank slow [Laughter] we're out of time dad you want to throw a commercial break yeah he stay tuned for more of the guided love scale your Hollywood douche bag [Applause] we took up top line and everybody know [Applause] [Music] [Music] you take it for a bit dome I've got to have a rest this is an awkward night for me why because we used to be called three cellos and they said is not working out hope cuz the band two cellos are on tonight amen hey how are you good see your boss yeah good to see you too man I don't know game it looks good I'm all right get together really break the water yeah actually spill it all over the plague oh yeah looking good I like you're jerking ty short combo thanks we call it a gherkin yeah nice it's really good you look like a cop it's like a merkin for your it's a fun you say that little bit coffee because it's the first time I've been on the show without a moustache in years and you say yet I look like a cop I knew there was something different about you I thought you'd grown your face longer or something I also did that I'm also I go to the guy that does the Kardashians yeah yeah well it's not a huge thing he just takes a skateboard and he sits on your face and eventually it it just feeds it up how dare you how dare you how dare how dare you who we doing I mean I don't know I just don't know what's going on it's my go to when they go - I'm saying plastic surgery Tom I haven't yet but I I'm sure I'm sure I could I could do I would do like a ass cheeks that's how you start with they do those yeah all you think you ever did you been saying that a bunch of stuff yeah I've got I've had my ass cheeks moved what Lord yeah just moves slightly to the side I can I can not go to the bathroom around the corner uh yeah I would do that I would love to get some sort of ab thing they must have an AB thing yeah yeah you what to do is they they take the if you've any you look like you have but you have any abdominal fat you know like the abdominal snowman yeah well they take it out and what's left is pure you know having washboard yeah yeah I don't care for ABS though myself really yeah and I think I'm finally tuned to AB stomach says I'm trying too hard right yeah that's a great that not that does not sound like sour grapes at all no it is yeah yeah so uh hey have you been watching Files war I know I don't know what this is well our ABS is a British detective show set during the Second World War and Foyle he wears a hat like this yeah and he's really good and he said he says things like this you've been very naughty man and you're going to go to jail it's it's awesome it's like it's like I said Foyle's War I thought it was like you get a bunch of nerds and they're making stuff out of aluminum foil and then that's also a good idea or just a couple of bros and you wrap yourself in foil and it's wool or down in like a pit that's a different way of going anyway I just want to verify you're in this movie so what's the name of your character in this movie you know okay ah you know that I specialize in playing characters who don't necessarily have names you know they're usually like in six or eight films I'm a character called doctor I'm frequently like persnickety man number one or persnickety man number three in this movie I play a role called chief of staff who in my mind is named Greg Greg or Craig Greg you disappoint me are you still being foiled this famous oh yeah I'll go by oh my god so sexy and intriguing I can see why you're obsessed whatever say one more amazing [ __ ] thing you Germans have behaved very badly in this war and you're going to lose this is literal how long is the episode like six or eight hours or what I never know how yeah yeah they're really good but you like some nerdy stuff you're like you're like a doctor who's the TARDIS Doctor Who and I make a track there's so many doctors how does what he wanted at all even six writers seven days I think they're 112 okay yeah well yeah but it's been 50 years than I always been on it's been running longer than the prices right right you could be the next one no I couldn't why not illegal why is it illegal because you're also know the current one is Scottish and there was David Tennant with another one he was Scottish huh hmm so they went that way they've already done that yeah so you can't have three Scottish people do it don't I think Sylvester McCoy was also Scottish oh my god I'm so bored and who was Doctor Who yeah oh my god we get it you know all the Doctor Who look I'm sorry I'm Gor about sorry how are you but you don't comb the dr. who you just comb the dog - oh my god well what would it be like if Coyle met the doctor don't cross the streams man nobody we were right back [Applause] [Music] hey we're back going by the way okay well file okay hang on look here foil yeah I know what you're going to say then I have been if it's very noisy and what country are you from I wasn't sure when I started it certainly let's say Antwerp well first of all Antwerp another country it is the town in Belgium right just caught me in my web of lies Oh fire yes come over by the fire I'd like to explain something to you a limp as well my character has a limp for some reason yeah I'd like to explain something to you chief of staff that is your name isn't it it's not what is it Craig alright well Craig sometimes where the gentleman meets another gentleman things happen yes yeah how fine how did when did you arrive all of it I have no not anything yet I have a feeling though yes you do have a feeling if I stand here I look very much bigger than you fired you're huge how do you do doing [Music] muscle control using my muscles I can enlarge my size I'm like one enormous penis wait does that last one more time I'm afraid for legal reasons I can what's wrong you seem to have something puffy in your cheeks notices I'm in terror because I I feel like a criminal mastermind like for it must know what I'm up to can I ask what country you're from [Music] Antwerp and red what do you think the hell is going on I've no idea well if they're any celebrities watching the show this is how you plug a movie right back [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Applause] welcome back to the show where we've had the choir and the singing hippos thing so I didn't really know what I was about that was your idea wouldn't know keep you stick in the ice everybody fine okay is a hugely talented man he's in the odd couple coming to CBS and February he's a great friend of the show he's an astronaut he has his own fragrance it is called what it's your favorite fragrance wha please welcome to make Tom Lennon everybody [Applause] there you go stomach there you go ooh nice night night and I was thank you very much that was the whitest gospel choir I've ever seen yeah I have got gospel of his more kind of like googly oogly was it I dozed off backstage I woke up you're dancing with a hippo yeah and Betty White yeah yeah yeah well um things never change yeah you want to do that you're going to guest host this before James Starks aren't you yeah you usually have a choir in the hep old people love that Rocky tested through the roof the old man like yeah turn the dial up more hippo yeah uh yeah what I'm gonna you know how sometimes you agree to host something and you don't mean to do it proof yeah yeah you know like 10 years ago I did that you know you're like you're texting somebody you're looking at Twitter and sometimes they say you want to do the Late Late Show yeah yeah that's exactly bout to be really not required the head Bob is like a fine good yeah right yeah yeah yeah so that's where you're on you put the wheel how many you gonna do three you'll be fine anyone can do three right yeah you'll be fine you don't have your guests are yeah I know ah you'll be fine good ray yeah you know what you're gonna do I mean a lot of times I've been on the show a lot of times yeah well what's he like six something like that what people don't know is that most of the time it's because somebody else fell through if the reason why I go this year let's be honest I just live close by yeah you don't that's very live at the Grove people don't know that in Santa's house that's not true I have a condo in the American Girl cafe no endear yourself to the American public right ah so are you excited to pose not really no I did hey you can happy fun right yeah do a Scottish accent yeah all right very very tame oh it's been a great pain it's been actually paying holiday yes we're not all pirate yeah some of us uh oh I love your peaky blinders haircut it's incredible oh yeah you like the hair yeah yeah I'm going for a kitten play sort of thing you're a vegetarian with the Morrissey here comes yeah yeah I'm going completely Morris to your Morrissey fine I'm going totally Morrissey that's fantastic yeah I use look right I you know I'm waning it out but I haven't I'm not a complete vegetarian but I'm so you're no hazing well you know you're just either you are you know I'm not yeah okay yeah are you thinking about thinking about it so you might equity I'm that haircut you and me I'm thinking about it right we go to newly open Cuba us in our trunks go into Cuba I like Nigel he's a John going to kill my father on the beach playing volleyball lovin each other because SPF is important at me ever support and hope Africa becomes engine FPS out really Iran it there versus no I was protecting you for did you wear sunscreen I'm without sunscreen look how pale I'm wider than that gospel choir nope nothing's wider than that don't require aa good time great great tonight's how would the Odd Couple are you playing Felix what do you think yeah yeah Rob Lee you know it's interesting when I got I got cast as Felix everyone in my whole life came out of the woodwork and said Oh perfect yeah when I heard you were doing that I was like if that's the one yeah one that's the one he's been waiting for that to the actor in the park come together in a kind of I didn't know that I've been sort of quietly annoying everyone in my entire life ah but we fill or ever no no but we love you that's the thing about Felix he's annoying but yeah kind of help but love them and that's you to him yeah please no no you don't agree thank you friend keep your dick in looking good man looking good it's you choking good I'm not going to be there for your guest Joe so good luck you know you need you're gonna need to get fancy sauce you can't be coming no I know look you gotta you gotta have soaks like this Oh fancy taupe shoes but you you bought those yourself the show can't pay flow the favorite I don't know that guy made them I made with knitted them I have to pass time in my cell between show I just sat in there and then you wheel me out yeah I hope you're not accommodate three hear it now yeah not like doing again aha don't make me get the hold it does the talks over yeah [Applause] the great stuff that they argued out they are driving you be greater this I don't think so daddy hold on that's only three right yeah yeah listen people are still going to be talking about the choir thing gonna be fine well we're we're out of time so uh what can I say something we're out of time one I love you I don't care who knows it I love you too Tommy you're gonna be good at this top line and everybody [Music] now your name are you named after the famous Tom Lennon from reno911.com is Lanham Act for first Thomas I can Tom Oleg irritate your very good friends yeah yeah so ya know

Channel: The Jayleno Fly

Views: 1,227,872

Keywords: クレイグと女の子の女性, クレイグ・ファーガソン, ロボットをゲオフ, craig ferguson, craig ferguson and the ladies, flirting masterclass, funny late night, best talkshow, funny talkshow, talkshow compilation, talkshow moments, flirt talkshow, geoff the robot, the jayleno fly, funny moments, super happy fun time hour with robot and old man, thomas lennon, tom lennon, reno 911, tom lennon craig ferguson, thomas lennon craig ferguson, thomas lennon compilation, hollywood, actor, comedy, hilarious, funny

Id: JpRWHsLW8yA

Length: 202min 38sec (12158 seconds)

Published: Mon Aug 07 2017