Denis Leary - Friends For 20+ Years - 10/12 Visits In Chronological Order

[Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] everybody that is Dennis how lovely to see you Dennis Mrs Le's big boy how are you you know I got to say Craig that um I I saw in the paper this morning that you you're about to you're not really a citizen yet well I've I've passed the test I still have to do the swearing in yeah there's still time folks yeah no I want to say that I don't get the whole you know my parents were immigrants my both parents came to America from L is not a Native American name no no no it it was shortened from uh lry actually when they no but they uh this whole thing and my parents came over as immigrants and and that's by the way very shortly after they'd gotten rid of the Nona Irish need apply signs so there was still certain prejudice against the Irish they thought we were drunk and like to fight a lot I I am still hugely prejudiced against the Irish are you really yeah but that's because you're blaming the whiskey for a lot of the things that happened in your life well the Irish I always thought were just Scottish people that couldn't swim I just thought night everybody by the way you're absolutely right I know you know there was uh we three million of us died in a famine because we ran out of potatoes but you know we were surrounded by fish okay you know you try to serve fish to an Irishman even me really sometimes now if that fil of fish even I'm like I don't know about that yeah yeah um don't you have any potatoes but what I was going to my point was yeah in this country it seems to be pointed at the Mexicans as if oh my God then we've got to stop the Mexicans from coming across the border and blah blah blah blah meanwhile Canadians are streaming in and singing and starring in movies you know Jim Cary Canadian okay William Shatner William Shatner okay Canadian and talk show host streaming in from other you know it just as far as I'm concerned I actually think it by the way without the Mexicans what are we going to do for food I have not met a Mexican that I didn't there a hockey playing Mexican now Scott Gomez who went from Mexico to Canada learned how to play hockey and then slipped into America okay why don't we just erase the borders and become one big giant country that's why not well no wait no wait no wait wait wait wait wait wait if were the Peace of love thing then why did I have to do that whole big test no now now that I've done the test everybody's got to do the test I'll tell you why because you're paying pennant for past sins I think that's yes that's the divine order of Faith yes that's right Craig was a bad boy for many years and so we're going to make him take a test there's nothing more actually for a Catholic boy a worse thing than having an answer questions I don't even know the guy that you mentioned I'm like I didn't take a test I yeah yeah no that I the Justice John G Roberts Jr I didn't know until just before the test and I was you know I was cramming for it well you know I'm I'm an Irish Citizen and there was no test yeah yeah I was born in this country because my parents came over here I guess because they came over here and and and escaped you know being uh you know put in jail or whatever and we're good people I got to be an Irish citizen I literally filled out a piece of paper and I got a passport there's no test T I had to drink a shot in a beer okay I just drink a shot in a beer I watch my brother in the face all right simp yeah listen do you want to talk about the uh the rescue me thing I'm quite interested in the idea of the book well can I tell you yeah ashamed to have a talk show and have you all quiet all the time um this uh all my my writing partner Peter Tolan and I the guy who creates the show with me we wrote the intro which uh is that's all we did the people from The Book Company chose it and I I I'll tell you I Sopranos is my favorite show of all time but the book sucked no offense DAV chase the book was full of like all I loved it David just saying Dennis I'm just saying you know what you know what I'm a kiss ass that's right Welcome to Hollywood buddy I I was going to say [ __ ] but kiss ass sounds better but just in case David Chase might cast you in a future project no I don't want to be it anymore yes you do yeah I do I don't I'm done with the acting me now I'm an American now screw you guys all right so let's just get this straight David Chase gets another a contact for another HBO show I want that Craig Ferguson you're not going to do it even call me Chase don't even call me he's lying I'm not lying don't say I'm lying you Irish bastard I'm not lying which camera is on the one with the red light how long have you been in this business I know it doesn't look like a camera uh anyways the book can I talk about the book yeah yeah yeah son of so you didn't write it and the other people dead or something what happened um it's a great book it's a it's what I was my point was right uh that that the Soprano's book was full of pictures that I I I didn't like it I wanted to read the scenes my favorite scenes and see pictures from behind the scenes and that's what this book is your your favorite scenes are other no no no so fans of the show so it's a lot if you read the book you'll start laughing out loud um and there's some great action shots and blah blah blah really yeah wa are you shooting it right now how you right stri right strike I'm I'm a member of all the guilds I'm a producer writer director actor do you have to pick it yourself I do some go outside your house go I Su I'm come on out Larry yeah come cross this Larry cross that that' be awward I punch myself in the face then again I'm Irish so I don't know if I'm on strike or I'm just waking up yeah so we have to take a break will you hang around Dennis will you take hang around of course yeah we'll be right back with Dennis Larry every Dennis Larry back [Applause] welcome back everybody welcome back I was just I was just talking to Dennis he's he's Irish but he's a lovely man and I how is it possible to have your own talk show in America and not be a citizen you know that was the loophole that I squeak through they're closing it down now unbelievable I'll be the last one we're going to give you a test okay and I'll talk about it in my talk show tonight on national TV by the way by the way Leno yeah Canadian is he really no no no but if he was no you know Jay's half Italian half half Scot Scottish you know his mother is Scottish that's why he kind of can't sleep and keeps working all the time I totally identify with that yeah absolutely I know I love the Scotti my career started in Edinburgh at the Ed remember yeah cuz I used to be in I was in the same I know you were B Hitler I was doing the Bing Hitler the character I was doing Bing Hitler yeah I know didn't really work out look at us now look at I know we're kind of like old farts going oh you're remember today are you still married to the same girl I am I can't believe that I know I know what is that 25 years yeah well it's it's 25 years from this month that we actually started uh long story short we started we went on a couple of dates and then I just started staying over house and never left and then we got married um about 18 years ago right so we but we've been together for 25 years that's fantastic congratulations that's lovely what is the what how how can you how can you do that I mean really I love we both I'm 100% Irish and she's half Irish half German so we just fight like crazy and and we uh we love each other and we uh we have one of those LoveHate relationships we can really go at it and well you need that though a bit of passion I think is good well I think I last night I presented the Lifetime Achievement Award to Charles ding now he's been married I I mean he's 84 years old he's been married forever and he said that he he said one of the things that kept him working was he'd go home to his wife after a movie and he'd go that's it I'm quitting and then she would say to him yeah and then what which to me that's really no matter how famous you are or how great you might think you are my wife will always bring me right back down to earth and say who do you think it's not the SAG Awards here tonight pal you know I she reminds me all the time and think of you as hly Woody in any way like that she's really funny you've met my wife have she's very funny incredibly funny she actually should have done a special for HBO would have it would have been way funnier than mine well I'm just saying but she's very funny that helps you know when when a woman can make you laugh yes they can laugh that throws right off me I she's doing that yeah she's doing that thing now of like so when's this drke going to be over I'm like why am I bothering she's like no no just that helps too it's going to be over soon though isn't it well I heard a rumor this morning that it might be over uh I'm hoping I mean I really want to go back we're supposed to be shooting right now and I love doing rescue me but the bottom line is you know for Godot there this is what I think people don't understand like you know what it really is true and it's a cliche without the good script I don't care you know I've been in hey look I was an Operation Dumbo Drop with an elephant okay so a movie I wasn't going to bring it up it's always in the elephant in the room though I always wanted to talk about it there there's actual elephant crap in the scenes uh so you know without a good script you're you're not going anywhere so the writers and the most important COG in the thing I mean you know I don't care who the you if you get Brad Pit that's great but without the script it's going to suck so I just look at a photograph for a couple hours come on oh Brad I don't care that you don't say anything has he been on the show no are you kidding me I don't know no I don't think so cuz he he doesn't do talk shows does he I don't know I I have I I met him once backstage a you two concer I think you were there actually and and uh he he seems very friend he very friendly yeah but I'm sure he doesn't want to talk to you no no I well he didn't want to talk to me then he was like do you want to talk about rescu oh we did that we did that what else are you still doing the Fireman's Fund though are you still as matter of fact if you buy this book uh from my uh my foundation's website ww. lry firefighters.org 100% of the uh money goes to uh help my fireman's foundation and basically that's you know it's a great way to buy the book and help those guys out yeah now the they finded itself what does it do fun what is the fun that you've done some work down in New Orleans didn't basically here's the premise and I tell people all the time I'm really just a celebrity face on this thing you I firefighters around the country are in such desperate need of training facilities and Equipment uh whether it's LA or whether it's New York or Boston or Philadelphia that they all have a list of things that they they need to get uh you know equipment wise so if you give me the money within six months to a year we either build or buy or have built um a piece of equipment a truck or a building we just uh broke around with the mayor of New York actually Mayor Bloomberg last week on the first high-rise simulator in the history of the FDNY a building full of skycrapers they've never had a place where they could they could practice going into a fire or or a terrorist attack you know that was an actual pretend skyscraper so we're building that for him so I mean I love these guys I think the thing out here that just happened this weekend with G Brooks probably brought a lot of attention to it you know out here you're dealing with wildfires it's a different city it's a different uh situation so these guys I don't know if you saw the thing in the news today of the two firefighters diving into the water to save the guy who was drowning up in in Massachusetts these guys right now as we're talking you never hear about the saves unless there's a video camera there but like while we're talking right now all over the country they're answering you know a cat in a tree your kid in a car crash you know your grandmother in a in a house fire these are the first guys there and they always look fabulous and they you know what they're people always say about us on the show like is there you guys it's such a fiction that you guys you know that the firefighters would have that many girlfriends and that women Swoon I go look have you ever seen women with real firefighters you know I mean it's that whole that's exactly it's not like policemen where it could be you're in trouble when they show up firefighters come for one reason and that's to save your ass you know and they carry it and they carry and they carry stuff and they break I got you thank you hey now listen I think you might have a secret oh it's not a secret you you want to be saved by firefighting all the time yeah yeah yeah now listen but I is that on your test yeah have you ever met a fireman many yeah before you we're out of time but before you go yeah no but I want to hear that you brought a tape what's the tape you brought the singing tape oh oh we uh my band I do a bunch of Charity standup the only stand up I do now is in the fall when Rescue Me is off I do four or five gigs a couple paid and and a couple for charity and every fall I don't do any material I've done before I do all brand new material and then I try to throw in a new song every once in a while and my guitar player and my uh bass player wrote a song called called we wanted to do a thing about Celebrity Rehab cuz I think it's so ridiculous these you know and that show was being was being shot with all the you know have you seen this show it's crazy I mean people getting cured for alcoholism or drug addiction is a is a real thing you know you've spoken about this yes I do but when you get these people now they have a television show and and of course the producers are hoping please let them relapse please let them relapse so my the guitar player my bass player wrote this song called at the rehab which is of all things for an Irishman to sing a Scot tune and we sang it and somebody in Boston filmed it from the audience and then these guys went on YouTube or Myspace I think it is and they animated the thing it's very funny it was it's a funny song Let's Take a look at that we tell Denis L everybody right welcome back uh my next guest is in is in the rescue me show it's fantastic and he's also it's all this show he he's very clever guy and he's written a book and it's called why we suck it's in stores November the 18th please welcome the genius that is Dennis Larry [Applause] [Music] [Music] everybody Dennis Dennis Dennis thank you Dennis thank you sit down Dennis they've stop clapping it's getting embarrassing I I thought they were going to clap longer no no no no they they they were the same with me they're kind of surly okay Surly it's good to see you hey that was really funny what um you're the whole opening oh yeah okay and summed up I I think pretty well how much that show sucked last night he was pretty bad I don't know I don't know if these people know but again I lost for like the fifth or sixth time whatever you didn't lose no you didn't lose you were nominated lost I was there I lost no no no no no the real losers were the American public last night by the way you're right about that um I'm actually trying to set a record because I went from I lost in the writing category and I've lost in the lead actor category last night was supporting actor so now I'm going to go into the women's categories I'm going to I'm going to go for best supporting actress and uh I don't know if you saw me in a dress on fashion rocks but I can wear a dress oh I know I didn't wear the fake but I had hey hey you can't say that apparently or can I can say that based on some of the stuff you said in the opening anyway anyways uh uh so so I don't mind losing I really I I know this sounds cliche but I'm just happy to be there except that's what I say every year except last night I went from being happy to be there to being incredibly uh bored and I had no empathy for how bad these five hosts were after the opening I was like you know what I want to see them crash and burn on live TV I want to see them melt except for Heidi Clum I love her I love project running project running is the best show on TV part from Rescue of course but the uh it's uh there's two different shows one's about you know Attractive people wearing outfits and the other ones you know run it sucked it was a bad can I just say this because you were so funny in the opening and this may not be as funny but I just want to get it on public record with these people backing us up okay because I was offended as a comedian I'm sitting in that room okay you have five reality show hosts let's take Heidi out because Heidi is many things shees it's not required that she'd be funny with an ass like that that's just not part of that you're you're right she gets a free pass yeah yeah if if if Rickles said that ass who would care that's right right right quite frankly if either if you and I had those asses we wouldn't be here ladies and gentlemen um but um so now In fairness this is I'm just going to give you the rundown we're both professional comedians okay or we used to be anyway so here's the thing Tom Bergeron actually has real comic timing and probably could have been okay on his own the other guys they may be they're great announcers but they're not Comedians and I can't I'm so sick and tired of people thinking you just write funny lines and put anybody up there no to be funny is actually a job and it takes required training and blah blah blah addiction problems most of your life probably that kind of thing crazy parents yeah all that oh and drinking lot of drinking lot of drinking and drug abuse before you get funny yeah yeah okay now in that room while these these four other not Heidi four guys are up there sucking I want sucking wind sucking their own wind yeah okay in the audience I'm going to take myself out of it okay in the audience in the building you have Steven coar yourself Ricky J actually got up there and prooved they get John Stewart Conan O'Brien it was sitting in my section I mean you've got okay all right looks like me except the hair goes like this oh yeah yeah these are these are comic I'm not going to use the word genius I'm just going to say they're working comic any one of us Jimmy K Watch said Jimmy as well he could have done it I have material left over hosting fashion rocks if they had come to me and said the whole Show's crashing and burning can you get up there I could have been funnier than what was going on and it just offended me as a comedian like you said with Don Rickles in theud that this is what Hollywood thinks you put these you know four reality show announcers up there and they're going to run the show Now doesn't work that way okay like he said it takes years of drinking and of self abuse no perhaps they could have done better had they read are we going to the book right now yeah we're going to the book now why are we out of time no no no we're go to the book I'm just saying I want to plug your book is there something wrong with that yeah so I'm not done with the emys okay but you know while while I'm asking you talking to you um so anyways I wanted to ask you last you came out in the middle of the show now okay I didn't come out I mean it's still ambiguous still I mean you're hot and everything but don't flatter yourself good looking I don't think it's ambiguous pal I went by your dress room it's full of wigs yeah yeah that's right okay party at night um anyways you came out I want to ask you two things if you don't mind about your thing you came out and you kind of said I'm going to do with the written material were those was that a written joke for you that you did okay and you I thought you were getting ready to to throw it in the dumper right okay you're were kind of like doing one of those things no okay and then the bit was actually still funny cuz you're funny and she's a great straight she's terrific right the whole the whole punch line was that you had your hand on her ass now where I was sitting I couldn't see did you actually have your her hand on her ass oh [Applause] yeah yeah you know what and apparently apparently I got some trouble from some websites today saying that I you know I would been it was offensive and sexist and I'm like oh yeah yeah and by the way he's a method comedian he had to have her his hand on her ass to make the joke work I also I had to rehearse that's right using initially using stand up uh standin asses and working my way up to the real thing to the real I could tell by the look on your face that you were really touching her ass man it was sweet it was sweet if I could go back to me at 18 and say one day son I know BL that ass I'd be like no what what are you saying vi from the future I'm saying don't worry just keep it up with the crazy drinking and the almost certain day oh that that's true oh my God I know you want to talk about the B now oh yeah I do want to talk about cuz I'm read all of it but I've skimmed through it and you seem to think that we suck I actually I want to give you the the the the full title which says a feel-good guide to staying fat loud lazy and stupid that's that's right it's a book for Americans oh no as as an American I can say that americ I can say oh knock it off by the way I'm a real I am a real doctor it's in the book my alma Mo Emerson College made the made the mistake of giving me a an honorary doctorate I graduated from the school actually so I got an honorary doctorate which means I'm a doctor of arts and letters which I can't write prescriptions which sucks yeah that's bad but you're not like a real doctor like Dr Phil or something like that that's why I wrote the book all right Dr Phil is all over this book or Dr full as I like to call him oh my what are you friends with him now are you friends you're not friends with him no I like I like Dr Phil because Dr Phil writes books about you know you can't see against him he's friends with Oprah but there's a whole chapter about Oprah here that's don't even mention Oprah on the show Oprah is so powerful when she farts people get better actually you know if I say anything against Dr Phil she might cancel the publication of my book all there you go she controls publishing in America is my book still going to come out I don't think so I think I think the only way the book will come out is if you come out on Oprah I'm willing I'm willing to do it yeah yeah now that's another thing by the way they were telling me I've seen you on the show dressed up as a woman and I dressed up at Fashion rocks as well not as a woman but in a dress in kir nly's dress from from you fit in K nly's dress I could doing good yeah she's tiny I think my boobs are bigger but anyways um he's not lying what she's thin I like I like smaller uh you know ones that's probably why I like myself so much folks no but hey hey I I'm challenging you to a dress off sometime I should come on the show and you and I should both dress up and see have the audience vote no [Music] yes like like there was any doubt I'll I have three words to say to that bring it [ __ ] just bring it so I next time I come on the show we'll both dress up as Ladi as ladies and and we'll have an A the audience will it'll be like Project Runway here maybe why don't we get Heidi Clum to come and decide which one I can feel her ass compare it to Brook Shields I think we have a whole show here it's a miniseries unbelievable that is L everybody we got to [Applause] go hey Mr the spot hey what's up pal last time I saw you I think was what at the Laugh Factory years ago the night that lny Clark uh used your face to wash his car with you think that was bad you should have seen me after he rang me out but I tell you I am so excited to be here doing stand up on the show tonight oh boy I just it's fun I just came back from a huge standup tour of rescue Comedy Tour all around the country you know it's great 9 10,000 people a night sold out you know what it's like well not really hey you want to hear my opener no what did the grizzly bear eat after the dentist fixed his tooth I don't know the dentist w w come on you get it right yeah yeah um you're not doing that the kids are in bed now this this is a late night show I it's not the what you're too hit for the room huh are we doing just one segment tonight you and me or two well we'll do one do we'll do do three if you want I don't you know I went on Oprah and I got like three or four great Oprah stories they're really funny yeah all right well we'll see how it feels we'll play by year if it goes too long we'll bump the comic you the comic a big mistake don't ever touch me I see you you know what I love about him anything goes you know just fly by the seat of your pants on this show you never know what's going to happen Den you think you could uh do a short version of your story you know so that they still have time for you can go on my nose smaller just like shadeed smaller kind of like a Brad Pit [Music] nose please welcome my old friend Dennis L [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] morning yeah yeah down spoon hey buddy what are you on what are you talking about listen I watched you guys are fans of the show I would hope because you're here unless you're hostages which could be possible because I say nothing say nothing I've never seen you this crazy and you're crazy I mean you sing and dance with puppets and do crazy things at the opening of the you dress up like Prince Charles and women and we have to talk about the dress off that we plan have you said we were going to have a drag off don't make it like don't accuse me in front of we and you and I agreed that we were going to have a dress off okay that one this is the last time I was here I did a thing called fashion rocks which was for I think this network there was a gag and I had to dress up like a a chick and I did there's a man who knows how to dress up like a chick [Applause] so we we challenged each other to a dress off I forget whose idea it was that I think I know whose idea it was Den go on come on grown man drinking out of a snake cup okay that's what the young people like okay anyway so great so we're going to have we're supposed to be in dresses right now but it didn't work out cuz I I I when I got booked nobody said we were going to do the dress off but I have to have my fanks of gay guys here to cuz I can't look like good in a dress unless I have gay men gay guys around yeah no I get that do you have a team of gay guys that put you into the dresses sure a team if you want to call them that yeah yeah why what do you call them I I call him a posy py I said posy he said posy I said posy there's a posy here's here's oh here's my book yeah oh yeah all right all right so we got that out of the way yeah now tell us about your book you've written a book you like this I do like that you like it yeah they told me you like the cup actually that's why I'm I'm taunting you you know what I've got a surprise for you really I've got a surprise for you you do I got you one got me a snake mug I got you a snake mug okay did you tell that they don't know see this snake mug this everybody loves this mug and I I got some more today Dennis was coming on they said Dennis is just they were they said he was a big fan he's got you got a collection of Cs I got a collection of mugs from every talk show I've ever been on well you can't have this one obviously it's far too valuable but but I did get you one and and I I got it right here hey there you go buddy there you there [Applause] right there you go look at that look at that puppy that is hilarious yeah there you go cheers my [Applause] [Music] friend that's this is the vente and that's the tall now you know you know me Craig yeah and uh and I think the audience knows me little bit Yeah Yeah My Show Business persona but I just want to make it clear I am such an and I'm I know that will be believed I will actually drink coffee out of this every morning now for the next several months yeah yeah I know and the thing and when people say to me where did you get that I said where do you think I got it you watch Craig Ferguson and then be like no we're too young where did that come from by the way well I think it's the thing is I I was in New York at the weekend I was promoting this book right I've got and they said you have to the publisher said you got to tweet more that's how you get to touch in touch with the young people you got to do the Tweet I'm like I'm not going to do that well it's and they say it's a way to broadcast your thoughts every day and I'm like I got a damn sure I have to broadcast my thoughts every day I'm not I'm not uh I'm not uh are you technological do you do the I have the phone well have been with us for almost I can't my fingers are too big for the for the phone that I have and I it all comes out wrong and my kids don't answer me when I text them anyways no no texting is for people that are uh you know trying to find a sexual partner that's what texting is well my wife doesn't answer the text either right I I got to tell you yeah hey no no tell me no no no no go ahead I was going to ask you about cuz you were on Oprah I'm very excited to hear about I went on Oprah I was here first with my book this is my first stop I'm sorry some of the fluid came out of the top of the snake cup into my yeah you got there's a technique to use I guess there is does the snake head point away from the face or it depends on what your preference is you know what I mean it's like it's where you wear your handkerchief all that thing only you could turn a snake coffee cup into a gay symbol of something only me Dennis only me um what was I what was Oprah you were on Oprah so I went on Oprah and I got to tell you something you got to get on Oprah for your book because you gu the way she's going to have me on I know you know what's funny as I was on Oprah and uh and she she not she loved my book and she loved me yeah and during a commercial break I I I didn't bring it up she just leaned over and said Craig Ferguson will never be on this show no [Music] I I I was shocked I literally was but she hates you no if you go on on that show your book it's just unbelievable everybody buys your book and by the way my mother is an Irish Catholic woman from Ireland yeah I read that in your book I didn't know but my mother is this is this your mom here that's my mom yeah wow look at that now where is that is that Donna go there you're that's goway made oh there you are ah that takes me back ho ho ho yeah I uh I want an Oprah i w that's you know it's in the book I was I wasn't the Great went on Oprah and you talk about being on Oprah in the book yeah well I wrote a chapter about Oprah I I was going to write a chapter about how much I hated Oprah but I didn't know anything about Oprah so when I was writing the book you know I was doing my research I Googled Oprah I went to oprah.com and there's a whole chapter about I mean oprah.com literally this is what turned me was when I was punching in like a 15-year-old I would P punch in nipple hair um you know tit Mouse all the stuff that a 15-year-old types in and you and I've typed in penis there's a whole section of over.com about what to do if you break your penis okay I didn't even know that you could break your penis and the fact that I've been watching sports center for 30 years and they've never mentioned that I could possibly break my penis yeah there you go well you might not break it on during Sports I don't care how I break it I don't want it broken no no you don't no but the thing is about Oprah I try sometimes to be kind of all controversial and not like Oprah and then you learn 10 things about Oprah and you're like she's she's saintly she's saintly she I mentioned that I wanted a coffee cup from her yeah you know and I had to leave from the studio and and and fly back to New York to go back to work the next day a big box came Oprah mugs okay bath robes uh Oprah ties she has a she's got an Oprah store you have a Craig Ferguson store we got to get a Craig Ferguson store oh you kidding me we don't even a Craig Ferguson Studio okay okay okay so you know what you do behind here right on the air so people can see it you have the Craig Ferguson store I love it okay you got these you got snake cups you got snake whatever you want you know all we could do is put some cuz you that's a window outside there we could have put scaffolding out there yes and then they could have I could have people working for me passing I'd be like what do you need what do you need and they could pass it in and I'll take I could probably even sell drugs that way and then you go right back to your roots yeah and then we come full circle full circle full circle not you we call that Dennis pushing the envelope buddy that's what good to see you power am I done yeah you're done you can hang around for more we can always bump the adver I don't think that'll happen you got you got you got a couple other acts coming out and Betty White's got to come out that Betty White you got Betty White to say porn listen you think Betty White doesn't say porn all the time I know Betty White for nearly 20 years Betty White knows her porn that's all I'm saying I've known her for a long time she ain't your Golden Girl son let me tell you that now I leave I leave here tonight with the image in my head of you sitting someplace in Beverly Hills watching porn with Betty White which by the way ladies and gentlemen that's coming full circle that is coming full circle that is lry everybody right back to give you a clue as to who wrote it Dennis Le [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] everybody thank you how are you D I'm really pissed off why because I was just backstage I one of the reasons I came here today was to Lord over you the fact that we both have books and uh that's your book this is the third time you've been here for this B I've been three times for this for my book I've been here this is his book now look I can I just say that my book is bigger than your book also minut value there as well look more my this is the paperback version of my book all right okay this is where you hope your book gets to all right now so here ooh fighting words oh yeah yeah so I was going to semi lorded over you figuring because I'm not really you know I didn't have all the information I thought there's no way that your book is has at this point sold as well as my book did because I got to go on Oprah which was yeah I I met I had a secret evil plan I put Oprah in my book and then I got on Oprah and when I went on Oprah as you know when Oprah says buy ants people go out and buy ants yeah you can't get an you can't find it all of a sudden people go why don't there any ants here at the picnic it's because Oprah said by ants anyways I went to number four with the help of Oprah Winfrey four on the New York Times M wow congratulations so hang on so I'm back I'm backstage with the Craig Ferguson people and I go uh you know what number is uh is Craig's book at and they go we'll go and find out like they didn't know and I got cuz you know I went to number I went to number four cuz I was on Oprah and they come back and they go he's at number four right now yeah without which I must say is some kind of what have you done presswise have you done everything else I did everything yeah I did I say too or she wouldn't have me she was she hates you well she no it wasn't that she had she hates you I was on she during a commercial break she leaned over me and said do you hate Craig Ferguson I said yes she because me too I tell I tell I'll tell you I'll tell you why I know that's not true cuz it's Oprah and she doesn't hate she she would forgive me she would forgive you yeah speaking of which can I say something what okay I read the book right I read the book a long time time ago because you gave me an early copy I gave you a copy and you know I was a Hellraiser growing up yeah I I remember and I after reading this book I felt like a a choir boy I'll be honest with you no no wait holy are you I mean I drank and I did some stuff but what the what was I got something to tell you I've never told you this I've got something to tell you I don't think I've ever told you this and it's not in the book and I should have told you about around about 1987 88 in that neighborhood I was in the edra festival and I was drunk backstage in my dressing room before I went on stage and it was a big communal dressing rooms and we were all have you know helping us there was some powder to help you over your allergies available backstage and there was an a seric an upand coming American comedian called Dennis ly backstage as well and I remember drinking with you then and I just remembered it right there okay first of all this is how stewed your brain is okay it was I tell you about it was 1990 that's two years before I got sober okay that that's I don't know I mean it's that's your B I think so you're you're off by 3 years in everything not bad and and and by the way we have talked about this before which just proves that you really have a you have a have we talk yeah we have you and I have talked about it he he did a character called Bing Hitler was a really St that was the name of his his comedy Persona which was pretty funny big Crosby and Hitler combined it's pretty come on folks and uh and we did we met doesn't have a massive it was pretty funny it was pretty funny and it was 1990 and we drank in the um in the uh in the pub at the uh the Assembly Hall the assembly and you were crazy cuz you were half dressed as Bing Hitler and half Craig and there were people that were coming in that had no idea that you were supposed to be Bing Hitler at one point in the night yeah so they just thought like who's that Hitler looking Scottish guy and by the way you're impression with with uh with the previous guest about how you used to drink is what I remember but I don't know what you're talking about Dennis there has been no previous guest you're the first guest this evening what the hell is wrong with you man how long have you been in this game how long have you been in this game did you do that to Oprah did you say oh hi your previous guest Oprah when you were talking to your buddy Oprah no because when I was on Oprah I was the only guest wait wait you're the only guest here tonight J no there's got to be somebody else anyways I didn't want to say that this was I mean it's you you you uh the fact that you're here and an American citizen and you have your own talk show which by the way you should be number four with your own talk show it's really I it's pretty amazing that you're not that you're not dead yeah or well listen I remember you drinking it's pretty amazing that you're not dead as well doctor dead by the way but yeah doctor are you real doctor well I got a I got a doctorate from my from my alamada Emerson College so in what okay he's so he's so he's so cynical I'm not I'm just asking it's fair if you had read my book like I read your book I did read it okay the my my my story about it is in there that you know when you're famous see I can't even remember drinking with you I know and I'm expecting you remember the book when you're a famous celebrity guy sometimes they give you a doctorates just because they can get you to come to the graduation yeah yeah are you kidding me yeah so now I actually graduated he gave you a doctor celeb I graduated from Emerson College right that's a good college they called me up and they said you know we'd like to give you a doctorate and of course I was like I'm on the train don't worry about and I went there and I spoke briefly to the students and I told them I gave them the shortest graduation speech You' ever heard because I knew they wanted the party right so I said life's going to suck right after this it sucked it's all downhill thank you that was my speech I got the doctorate and I felt like this is great I deserve this I've worked and I'm I should be a doctor you're a dumn right shortly thereafter my writing partner on Rescue Me Peter Tolen who did the Larry Sanders show right who went to UMass University of Massachusetts for a week yeah and then dropped out to do comedy they called him up because he's got Emmys now and they said you want to be a doctor and he's like yeah so he's a doctor my friend Cam Neely okay who's a Hockey Hall of Famer who barely finished high school and it doesn't come from this country I call him up I go hey I'm a doctor he goes me too I said what he goes yeah tus tus University gave me a doctorate like 5 years ago I said for what he said for being a famous hockey player so anybody can have one you could be you should be a doctor of drinking you if anyone from The Learning Annex is watching tonight I'm willing to give the graduation speech Dr CRA Fus that's that sounds good that actually you have a great do Dr Craig Ferguson we'll see you now Dr ping Dr Craig Ferguson to the bus part of the hospital that you're a doctor of ladies business doctor of ladies business yes I like the sound of no I wouldn't do that yeah you would do that no I would not do that and I tell you because you don't want to go messing around with things you don't understand I don't I don't I don't want it I just got an image of you staring and going no I don't know what the hell I'm doing I'm sorry if I can't help you I mean I'm happy to look but I have no idea why I I mean it looks great but I just don't know where everything goes I know I I I I can't help you yeah oh that was funny no have you ever been tempted to uh uh practice medicine no no no my my baby sister is a um is a dentist oh really yeah so I'm I'm not you know do you get free dental work done I used to from her yeah and then it just stopped I think her husband was like what are you giving him free teeth what free teeth free I got some I got some fake teeth in my mouth so where where show me I got uh this one you don't have to show them you show this is fake I go there if you remember back then I was you know these are American teeth buddy I turn up by way you want to you want to talk about tattoos oh yeah I saw you showing showing that earlier I got one right here this did you this is a real one oh wow look at that see that one that's a scarf that's a scar that's from in the book I mentioned my my older brother Johnny tried to kill me three times yeah that one was I tried to I threw a punch through a a glass door in the kitchen in the apartment and missed and and you can go through glass without getting cut yeah no I've got a scar right here my right hand that was from punching uh that glass uh window I went right through in the glass no why were you punching the glass window I was looking at me the wrong way Den uh I you you uh yeah yeah yeah crazy crazy crazy some of the stuff in the book like the marriages the wife the thing well you want to be married once look I've been married once to the same woman and she's put up with a lot but she she has but you're you're uh yeah know well I you know I'm not advocating it as a way of life it's no no I'm I think it's a good thing that you wrote the books and that other people well there's going to be some morons out there they're going to read it like a guide book like hey I'm going to try this now well see that was the thing they asked me to go and speak at my high school where I dropped out of and and and talked to the kids and I said no I said what am I going to do say to them well what you want to do is a blackout drunk for 15 years get yourself into rehab and maybe you'll end up in a sitcom In America it's that you can't say that to people yes you can it's a talk about George Bush is doing motivational speaking why can't you theid that would be awesome yeah now look it you you have now this is this is pure luck but you have a great story to tell especially as an American and your story is just as you said okay blackout drunk punk rock band right drugs drink drugs drink drugs drink marriage drugs drink drugs drink successful talk show host and the and the rehab is built right in there no you went too far I did you went successful talk show if you'd have said talk show guy middle of the night at the same time as the Shamwell commercial then it have been all right I like the ShamWow commercial have you used that ShamWow I've heard it's great it's fantastic man I mean really and can I just say something I know you don't like I'm not blowing smoke and you guys know cuz you're the audience the stuff that you do with the puppets okay yeah I don't care how much you had to drink and how many drugs you took that maybe that's why you do such funny things with the puppets it's fantastic you got have the puppets I know it's cheap it's very cheap very Che it's hilarious you want to you want to uh hilarious you want to uh you want to do some puppet work here one day maybe well I did get the last time I got to work with um uh what's his name the oh yeah the the fzy bear which was you know one of the that was that's a career highlight for me yeah work with dairo Eastwood and fozy the bear I'm telling you you're done pretty much you're done you get Barry Manalo in there you've got the whole set each to his own I don't think the Barry manela thing's going to happen now but don't you Dennis I don't don't you I don't need I don't need to remind you that we're supposed to have we were supposed to have at this time a dress off oh yeah you were going to you were going to dress we have to do that the next time we have to come both of us dress up in dresses and have the audience vote which guy looks I don't know what the contest would be who's looks more like gives we get to dress up well like lady okay who looks the least likely to get laid as a woman I don't know what it's going to be okay we'll do that the next kind cont yeah cuz we'll have to get an even dozen times for you on for this book or you you can go off your ass and write another one I am going to write it did you like write in your book uh no you didn't why is hard work too painful yeah no it's that book that was hard work yeah trying to remember everything yeah little see the first book was was piece of fiction that was that was a piece of G this this he had to actually remember was the name of my ex-wife oh I got it I got it I got it I got it oh no no I I got in touch with everybody did you yeah yeah and you and you said I'm going to do the right about this yeah and what' they say never call me again we got to go D we got to go he Hey listen can you sign your book for me yeah will you sign yours for me no sign uh all right I'll do that we take a commercial break what was I pushing the book yeah all right yeah um Dr Dennis ly why we suck uh it's awesome and his Bo his b is too right back [Applause] everybody please welcome my friend Dennis ly everybody that's [Music] [Applause] l [Music] you know we we can we can get the skeleton now if you want we can take him if if he's giving you a hard time we I don't like Jeff yeah you know oopsie yeah oopsie he right I think Jeff is trying to steal your thunder that's what I think yeah well you may be right yeah yeah well Larry's in the house now you blue pansy think I'm you think I'm afraid of a skeletal robot I'm not yeah see shut you up you get him Denis I'll wa here the truth is I I have so many cousins who look just like Jeff you get what I mean because you know if we if we go without eating for a couple of days we're skinny to start with and then we look like that really see I envy you that you get see I I tend to my microphone fell out of my ass hang on a second yeah let me ask you a question is it normal a talk show for a guy that put a microphone in your ass or is that like a is it is it a tribute to the Vatican week here hey whoa whoa hey hey actually on this show that's where we put the microphone actually I got I got this one if you're interested we can put this on it I think I'll stick with the microphone I have all right all right yeah please how are you now wait a minute the the show is called Rescue Me and the Comedy Tour is called rescue me but they're different that was a very quick product shot that was over before even started here we go hang on hold on bring them you the [Music] show there's also a rescue me Poker Tour that we're doing you can play you can play cards with all the rescue me pieces like this you deal them out and stuff yeah go uh the tour is um look at the size of you there man you must be working out look at this well I took a lot lot of steroids I got bigger than the Brooklyn Bridge and um and then I went on the dest steroidz program and I came back down to Jeff size right and you uh did you get your testicles back yet or are they still uh I've I've got it's the main reason I never I never did steroids I like my testicles you know and uh and I like them where they are I don't want them moving up inside my body I don't want them smaller you know what I mean oh no I can't take any reduction in my testicles do you have small testicles small testicles and it well they look small because of what they're next to right that's what it is that's a problem yeah that's see there you go they look out proportion they're actually normal size well what you need to do is tape that microphone down there over your penis and then he hey this then you're this wouldn't go over we you know it's a minute and a half we started already KN it off it's so low so tell me the the the tour is different from the tour or the show what what the hell's going on oh it's so you're so hard-hitting questions and journalism here that's right I'm a journalist you know when they when they when you have a television show uh sometimes they ask you to do these press tours which is going City to city and pushing the debut of the show and last year I said you know rather than do that which can get pretty boring yeah why I have two other comedians on the show Adam Ferrar and Lenny Clark who are both really funny why don't we go City by City And I think you can applaud no no no no no no get off no right oh hey hey excuse me a second kiss your chicken goodbye bastards I'll buy you [Applause] tacos all right you can applaud all you want and I'll buy you free food right right right you'll still be here when he's gone then I'm going to punish you and I'm going to punish you with this with that um I forgot the question well what's happening is going the tour we're doing a tour and uh so the idea is that by getting like you know uh 5,000 people into a room and making them laugh their ass off and showing them clips of the upcoming season they'll they'll go out and tell all their friends and we'll have a good time they'll have a good time it's Synergy yeah it I don't I'm yeah yeah come on you heard that Synergy yeah you scared me for a second it's synergy synergy yeah you're do now do you charge people money and go in and see you given Clips to go and see your TV show you bet your ass I do oh man see that that's why you're rich and I'm stuck in this crap hole well you must have some money by now you had a book you have the show yeah I got about 40 bucks no you got more than that yeah I got more than you got some money I got a lot of money actually anyway also part of the deal is it it lets me do standup again which I love doing yeah I knew you from the stand up yeah so I only I only get to do like some charity events that I do every fall as a state comedian and I was shooting rescue me and making all these crappy movies I made over the years so this allows me to actually go on a proper tour and you know there's nothing like stand up cuz at 8:00 the show starts and there's no cut and there's no reset it's just you and the audience I mean because this thing we do over and over again it's like a ride yeah this this is like yeah this is like a ride listen you have a good gig going on here I know what I'm just can I ask you a question where else is a 53y old man from 53 how old how old are you how old are you 48 oh okay all right a 48y old man from Scotland right with really no expertise except in the areas of probably what drinking and carousing yeah where else is actually I'm not so good at drinking anymore just carousing so where else are you going to get paid to stand in front of an audience like this with a couple of Puppets on your hand and and stick them in front of the camera and do funny bits Church all right so so Church in here really but it's pretty good game yeah no it's all right I'm I'm I'm knocking it but I love it it's great and you're really good at it I got to tell you something man you know I I've told you this a million times before I don't get to watch the show every single night but I get to see it quite a bit that the ra the new rabbit character oh you like the rabbit God I love the rabbit I love the rabbit yeah no it's a the rabbit yeah yeah who oh no the rabit don't think God for I I haven't forgotten about the taco chicken Exchange you're done that rabbit man that rabbit is great I like the rabbit I like see cute things that say swear words that's where the money is well you know that the part of it that I really like and I appreciate as a comedian is that you're I know that it's you off camera with a puppet or sock a glorified sock on your hand and I know that you're kind of improvising and so while you're doing it I'm thinking this is a grown man now let me ask you this do you do you see the puppet and then come up with a voice or do you imagine a puppet character and have kind of all at the same time there's a big box of them here I see yeah we could we could actually we have to take a break but what we could do is afterwards we could just like take a quick commercial break and then you come and I come back and we'll do a quick puppet show oh my God I love it all right we right [Applause] back welcome back everyone my name is s I'm from North London and I love stuff I like you I like you introduce you my gay friend what are you then Who you calling gay oh oh sorry I didn't realize you're big pimping aren't you just just because I'm Dr in a glittery glean I'm gay I didn't know you were in a glittery glean what's a glaring glean well you've got very poppy eyes you are you on steroids I'm just looking for your testicles it's fun isn't it is it yeah yeah listen man yeah you can see your hand hold on I Chang my mind yeah well here now no man I changed my mind I'm looking at you and you all white and fluffy and yeah I think I wanton come here man oh hold on come on man I just have to go and put something on is that thing from the microphone yeah all right we have to go come and sit down all right come on all right wow see and I see you can hang on to that if you want wow that was kind of that's welcome back everybody that was uh you're welcome children now I don't know why my guy ended up being kind of a black guy who was a gay iguana but it was kind of fun yeah see that so it works you just you you turn on the camera and you just do it right there and there you're perfectly capable as you show it except that one part where I showed my hand but that's okay I'll work on that oh so I got to come up with a name for my character what about Liza I like it Liza the uh the gay iguana the gay iguana yeah the gay big pimp and iguana I like it I like this as well yeah see all right um so you're going on the rescue me comedy tour with a uh yeah we supposed to pick up where we left off no oh I just wanted to drink um I don't know why for all of a sudden I thought this show was going to actually be kind of like make sense no now listen uh you met Lisa backstage the makeup girl and she's from Dublin Island and she said you've got to stop drinking that Protestant Bush Mill Whiskey on the show cuz well I don't I don't drink anything anymore well yeah I I gave it all up oh you did yeah unfortunately just in time to find out the kids have invented vodka eyeballing have you seen this no what's that you don't know about vodka eyeballing no but I'm interested do you guys know about this yeah a few oh there's a few people out there apparently college kids in America it started in the UK actually oh college kids started pouring they started pouring vodka into their eyeballs because it gets you drunk faster now yeah now first of all how fast you need to get drunk yeah well my my thing is first of all if you're if you're thinking that you have to pour vodka into your eyeball I think you've had enough to drink right second of all I think I actually invented this but it was by accident about 35 years ago when I was so I was so drunk I was missing my mouth you know what I mean I did invented vodka eyeballing vodka nosing earing but uh yeah vodka eyeball really do they take eye droppers no the pictures the Vodka into their eyes now the thing is of course as you can imagine there's going to be some vicious side effects and I'm no eye doctor but apparently some kids have blinded themselves and sure it's dangerous not really unless I was Stevie wanted to begin with I wouldn't do the IP that's really bad I know see when I think of it now I was actually I wasn't that bad well according to you you're pretty bad yeah I I I just think I wasn't that bad cuz I didn't pour a book that's my thing but that's my thing right here's my thing right now let's we're talking about alcohol but it could be any illegal substance like really I never ever thought to myself whether it was vodka or expensive whiskey or whatever like okay I'm not getting enough in my mouth it's not working fast enough I've got to go in another part of my body right it never occurred to me not even as a party trick hey watch me pour this VOR in my eyeball no true I never saw cu the kind of girl you're going to impress with that is not a girl you really want to take home with you you know me I love it way you put that vonka in your eyeball let's come back to my place he poured vonka in his eyeball he's going to pop the question exactly know so I don't get it on any level no it doesn't work for me we at time Dennis we are yeah we shouldn't have run with a puppet so I but I I got to tell you I that I I hope I didn't screw it up but that was one of my dreams come true cuz the pur thing yeah you were awesome man I was okay oh great yeah everybody we be right back [Applause] everybody I hope that language won't be what he's bringing out here cuz if he does he can find somewhere else to do [Music] his here's Den his [Applause] [Music] lyc Denis ly Mrs L's big boy look at you with your new haircut craigy Craig look at your big haircut it's fantastic I love it you're you're you look like 20 years ago I almost want to chop you a line of cocaine hey what kind of talk is that it's I'm just saying you look like when I first saw you you look exactly when did we first met was it 1990 no earlier I think 80 something and edur yeah yeah well you have the short hair too are we starting some kind of old guy trying to look like younger guy's friend yeah we're like I met you it that's right it's crazy back then we went own entertainment drug long time ago yeah long long time ago I'm an old guy now you're an old guy now you said you don't look I don't feel old I don't feel old you know I've got the botox going I got the dermaphil I got you can't that anything they get I shoot I shoot it all over my ass yeah I know I I was thinking again in my Scot yeah I do that I do that yeah I have the testicles of a 5-year-old I think it's important to keep that whole thing up you never know what's going to happen I mean you know no you know what's going to happen if you shoot Botox at your testicles sooner or later a photo opportunity is going to have would you ever do that like that braad fat thing would you ever take a photograph of your genitals and just send them to someone just to be friendly for example a guy you've known for 20 years I mean seriously I've done a lot of stupid things but let's just I mean really as a gag to a guy that you knew a friend yeah I could see a guy maybe doing it but really I mean I don't think women want to see that you know I think I don't think they want to see part about that story that really amazes me it's not that a football player namely Brett fav and I like Brett fav as a football player it's not that a football player took a picture of his penis and and sent it to a chick that doesn't surprise me I think that happens more than we know I think it's happening right now okay and I and the part that surprises me is that girl the the journalist Jen Jen sturer journalist yeah I know yeah yeah she kept that photograph in her phone for 2 years now think about that a picture of a guy's penis in your phone for two years is that weird don't tell me that's weird or I'm weird don't you think that's weird I'm like oh yeah I got a call yeah I got to go oh yeah she told I remember now yeah it's just a reminder okay it's a or maybe a Christmas card that's what my Christmas card is going to be this year my knob is a great idea yeah just send pictures of your Genia out to your friend merry Christmas a picture of your penis right if you take you got to take a picture of your penis with the Santa hat on come on this is a great Christmas card that's not bad actually with a little face drawn on okay A little white we're working with limited room here so hot hot or face all right hot or face a tiny tiny little hat a tiny a tiny we man a hat on a tiny little hat I don't think so Dennis tell me about the book uh while you're H it's a book that was uh meant to be read by people who don't like to read books this is what I did I know there's a lot of you out there that hate reading books okay doing clap I like say I like say hey I'm stupid Dennis I'm stupid I'll have you know that this this went to number seven on the New York Times bestseller list is really that yes can you believe that there's a lot of people out there like me that don't want to read giant books I'll read giant books about sports and War that's basically it and the seriously I'm I'm not joking here I read sports books books about sometimes I think you are the gayest person I ever met in my life you are so okay your sports and your War jazz hands yeah come on anyways where was I you were telling people to buy your book oh yeah yeah yeah so uh so I wanted to just put a a a gift book together that would be fairly cheap and as a stocking stuffer January man you can't be selling stocking stuffers and you're the one who had it I'm done with it I already sold a bunch of copies okay yeah it was number seven that's right number does that mean it's better than books that didn't sell as much no it's better than books that sold more that John Stewart's book was number one I don't know if you've seen it it cost like $4,000 and and it takes like s and a half months to read it's just it's dense with information and comedy it's too much for a guy like me you know I mean what is this just basically a bunch of I want to go to the bathroom and while I'm going to the bathroom I want to laugh that's why I wrote the book okay it's tweets it's tweets hey this reminds me by the way another picture we have a bet yeah that's right you were going to you were going to come on that's nice why don't you dress up like that when you come on the show Mr I only read books about sports and War because I would never wear a gold lme dress no we've talked about this well well you were going to wear we were going to come at one time we were going to have an appearance where I would come guest on your show and I would come out dressed as a chick you'd come out dressed as a chick and we'd let the audience decide who's the best looking fake chick right when are we going to do it I know we have to play in advance we have to cuz I I you have to get dressed up well yeah I want to I want to look good because we're look nice see we're both so competitive that we're both going to get a a a fance of gay guys to dress us up so we try to outdo the other guy we both have to look good yeah that would be different from any other day for me because because no I but you have and I know you're going to cheat cuz you got a whole room full of wigs back there and and dresses and stuff I see it I know but I don't have be gay in any second yeah yeah crap of a heck but I don't have you have the the trump card you've got that bone structure and that I do have the the bone structure I mean we always used to say that back in the day when you first came to edinb people would go that new American comic oh the bone structure on that one oh if I could only see him in a dress now to be fair there was only one guy in Edinburgh saying that and we we we all know who that was it was you it was you while you were dressed up as Bing Hitler that was the character that was a great character we drank a lot then me or I did certainly I don't know if you drank at all drun I drank a lot and I think I held it just a little bit better than you oh you did but you were funny when you were drunk you were funny apparently I have no recollection you don't remember you were really funny you were really funny that's what it happen I sobered up and then ter and your career just went down the tub down the tubs man ter awful you hey tell me about uh on the uh the show is it the last season you're going to do yes this is the last season of Rescue Me next this coming summer uh we shot it all together last year was just finishing up the final edit so yeah it's the end that's said what you going to do now then you have to go back to the Edinburgh Festival I'd go back to the edur would go back to the Ed Festival actually know as well why don't we go back dressed up as women I what I was going to say you can do that but see they'll be okay with you they still hate me why do they hate you cuz I'm Scottish oh right well it's like Ireland where you know everybody's like Dennis you're doing great then as soon as you leave the room I'm going to stand and that's just my family but you're right you're right they probably hate us but if we went back as two cute looking chicks and we did a double act oh yeah maybe at the end of that double act we made out hey wait a minute hey you're pushing the envelope a little bit that's right that's what I'm saying got the it wouldn't get headlines yeah it would but you know what I I I think it's fny the way it is I don't I don't think you've got I think you no you've got commitment problems also you don't listen to me no I do listen to you but I'm combative well no I don't think we're combative I don't think that we're combative I think combative is what makes us funny I don't think we're funny I think they think that we're funny when we're being combative but I'm not pretending you're like my big brother I grew I lived in the same room with my brother for 17 years I did too okay yeah so and it was it was just with your brother yeah it was this constant bickering yeah all the time yeah and so and it was funny and it's not funny if you're not fighting well but my brother I used to get the I used to make these little models of airplanes and hang them in the roof so it was like dog fights do second world war dog fights little airplanes and what he would do is he would like models of uh ships like the QE2 and stuff like that and he'd hang them in the middle of my dog fight just to ruin it Tootsie fruty okay let me let me just give you the flip side of that brother oh okay yeah all right my brother used used to have the biggest record collection in the world he we had the tape down the middle of the room that's how bad it was we we lived in an attic like bats and then we lived in a basement next to a water heater like rats right my parents really did not want us around my brother had the biggest record collection in the 70s and some of the worst records of all time like you know like Crosby Still's Nash and and young live I mean I look forward to you lesis look it there were I know I hear you I hear you I hear you he played a lot of hippie music so what I would and they were alphabetized they enough medical order and so what I would do is I would take the records out I wouldn't melt them all the way but I'd get a cigarette lighter and I'd melt them just enough and i' put them back in So when he came home High late at night or drunk he put the record on with his giant 7s headphones and I'd start laughing my ass off cuz all he'd hear is you know what see you tell me that see that thing the fact that your brother didn't melt your PL I got I would melted those point I got a story about the headphones right okay I know this guy right and he swears this is true when he was teenager right he would he would go home and he' listen to the records on the uh with the giant headphones right so one one day he goes home he's in his parents house he's got the giant headphones on he's a teenage kid he closes his eyes and he starts you know performing an act of self massage uhhuh and then you know when he's finished he opens his eyes he's had his headphones on the whole time there's a sandwich and a glass of milk next to his b wow oops Yeah yeah wow yeah yeah that guy was me Dennis L was you oh my God isn't that horrible yeah oh man I I get embarrassed thinking about that it wasn't me and it was 25 years ago to someone else you know what I I would have run away from home right then they never would have heard from me again yeah and and I don't think you've talked to them again Michael have you we got we got to go down we do why been the whole we yeah that's it that's it all right well let me mention um the book yeah we rescue me no no hang on hang on I was what I wanted to mention that the book and the DVD of the uh of the special dece bags and donuts uh the a huge portion of the U proceeds goes to the Larry firefighters Foundation which helps firefighters All Over America so you're helping uh firefighters while you're laugh ass up and that's the absolutely all right good ma hey um so so uh with all these Witnesses for the second time next time we come we do the chicks duing chicks yeah yeah all right in fact we'll do the entire show and drag I'll do the the whole show in drag it'll be all the guests have to be in drag robot will be in drag the audience will be in drag everybody will be in drag that would be great all right we'll do it that is lry everyone don't worry [Applause] [Music] [Applause] about [Applause] welcome back everybody my first guest tonight is in The Amazing Spider-Man o in theat July the 3 take a look at this please welcome Dennis ly everybody Dennis [Applause] [Applause] [Applause] L there right hey ah there you are I almost got a bigger round of applause as I faked like I was leaving well they got excited they were like yes I know it was kind of depressing no they they thought you were being controversial they like that I think they're disappointed because you all you said was our my next guest is in The Amazing Spider-Man you showed the clip I think they thought Andrew Garfield was coming out am I right who wait first of all first of all let me speak for America because the movie isn't out yet so let me speak for America when I say who C Andre gar hey now wait a minute now right all I'm saying is after the movie it'll be different the whole world will know but on July the 4th the whole world will know this kid's name he'll be a giant movie star but right now it's Denis Ley man it's danis Le I might as well I might as well enjoy the last moment the last moment of Dennis lirry getting a bigger Round of Applause from this audience than Andrew garford that's right for the rest of his life well here's the thing the kid is going to be a huge star he's a great actor and he's a good looking kid and he's 26 and he's going to be around for the next 30 Years and let's face it you know my days are numbered no no you'll be fine do you have a thing for this kid what's going on why does everything have to come back to having a thing and some kind of homoeroticism with you it's me man it's my thing know you're right I kind of do have a thing well you know he's pretty cute I got to tell you the honest truth yeah um you know we shot for a while we did a lot of act real just acting scenes with my family he's dating my daughter and everything so he we have been doing that for a couple of weeks and we've been in rehearsal so I had not seen Andrew in the uh uh Spider-Man suit and I I pride myself on being a man that really you know the only thing that catches my eye when I'm looking at another person really is you know a woman yeah yeah but I got to say the first night we shot some action scenes and he walked in in the uh did you have to say [Applause] banana uh-oh but I had a I had a weird moment when he was walking by it was me and him doing this big scene and he walked in front of me and he turned around and I was like I'm I'm staring at Spider-Man's ass what am I doing that's all right what am I doing what's wrong with me come on it's fine listen up it was a little speed bump yeah it's fine and I got over it no you'll be fine it's all right it's like that time do you ever seen The Simpsons when Homer imagines Flanders in a ski suit yes and like he's like stupid sexy Flanders he's all like turned on yeah that's what happened to you and the Spider-Man that's all that happen that's all that happened yeah just that was the only time I looked at his ass in the Spider-Man suit well I shouldn't have said that that made it sound like I was looking just let it go man it never Happ can you cut that out of the of the interview sure yeah all right hey uh what's going on I saw several of your shows from Scotland and I have to say you are listen let's face the facts you guys like them I love them you are a strange and damaged individual oh yeah no doubt no doubt no doubt I'm not I'm not claiming not to be that's so are you though and so am I it's one of the reasons that you and I hit it off when we first met 30 years ago whenever the hell it was 20 years that's right remember that my son's here my son's 22 now so it was 22 years ago right my son was born that summer right so but I watched that Scottish show and I watched I forget which nights it was but there were so many bizarre things in there that I was like first of all I can't believe that they pay you to do this on a night basic second of all there were bits in there man that were so strangely done I mean there were musical numbers and stuff where I was like this is really this is like abstract comedy like I can't believe this is on television you know and it was great I loved it it was fantastic and I was kind of jealous cuz I wasn't there well come to the next one I will definitely we're definitely going to do another one not in Scotland though I feel we we're done there we're moving on okay yeah definitely plus if I go back now they might have something to say yeah yeah there were some yeah there was some great stuff there do you ever go back to the old neighborhood which old neighborhood Ireland yes I do my you ever go Ireland you ever go back I go back quite a bit I haven't been in a while now but my I used to go quite a bit when the kids were small especially so they get to know their Irish cousins and my whole family my mother and my father uh were uh born on adjoining Farms which is now basically one big farm so my parents were both from Karne and and of my 7 million Irish relatives they all live in Karne I was with my cousin Mahal once and my cousin Timo and we went up to the to the bar in a pub at a hotel in downtown Karne downtown downtown like Uptown colar down right and there's a beautiful girl a raven-haired Colleen behind the bar and and she's she's about 10t away and she's waiting on somebody else and my cousin Mahal goes well look at her and he's single at the time he goes I'm going to ask her out and she turned around and said no you're not I'm your second cousin hey meanwhile it's legal to marry your second cousin president in Ireland now so you can marry your first cousin where Scotland what did that is that a recent rule change I I just made it up but it might be true it might be true I think it's true can we be honest about the two countries of our origin right okay Ireland and and Scotland well most of my family to be honest are from Ireland okay right so that yeah that's my theory you know basically Scotland and England anybody who's not English who has an Irish name or a Scottish name in England is from Ireland listen yes they were in the beginning in the time of The Druids there were literally eight people four guys and Four Chicks so we are all descended from the same family y yep and we so we've been you know we've been each other for years that's why I don't want you to get too twigged out about this Spider-Man thing that happened because because because Andrew Garfield is probably Irish he's British you know he probably he's probably my cousin whoa whoa wait wait wait he's British well he he was born here then raised in in Britain whoa wait wait wait so he doesn't talk like Spider-Man when he's not being Spider-Man like he doesn't like he talks like Downtown Abbey sort of like that when he's not being Spider-Man yeah it's like H Lori being Dr H yeah yeah I find that rather disconcerting I don't I don't I like it I kind of like it so you like guys to wear Spider-Man outfits and talking English access day that's what you like [Music] listen there's a better way to cuz I'll do it man cuz you're cute that's what I'm saying there's a better way to put that it's just that I'm attracted to the same type of man that Emma Stone is apparently oh yeah she's she's an attractive young you play her dad I play her dad that that's she is absolutely let me tell you something I I don't care why you might think about going to Spider-Man don't go to see me because I am truthfully in 3D I am a horror show okay second of all I don't care if you go because of Andrew Garfield but you should go to see this movie in 3D because emone beautiful and in 3D it's it's like she it's like she's in the room it's like she's in the room and and she's looking at you whoa well not you because if she looked at you I don't know what kind of reaction she why the hell would you say that you why the hell would you say that L listen like why you like oh we're talking a little bit of fun and then suddenly lingan Berry no that wasn't strudel okay no oh no no no no that wasn't uhoh listen I think you're in the same category as me we'd probably have to ask our wives but I'm assuming cuz I know it to be true when you walk into a room it it's probably much the same sometimes when I walk into a room and and there's a pretty girl and you say hello a lot of girls go SC cuz I still think I'm cute yeah exactly right and on top of which we're scary monsters anyway yeah we're not the we're not the nice guys we're the dangerous crazy guys we come here hey how you doing hey what's going on you single you're scary yeah no it's I can't believe my wife married me to be honest well I am a very Greatful in the laps of judging my own wife uh but I I don't know I I do do that though I when I'm talking to young women I sometimes I have to remember I'm 50 years old now you know and and I'm a creepy man you know and I know that's my point is we were both creepy when we were 20 yeah that's the thing it's not like we got less creepy no that's it we stayed creepy we just now look as creepy as we were yeah now we look like we look like our grandfather's trying to trying to pick up young girl no you know what we look like oh and your wife's younger right yeah yeah yeah yeah you know it's funny cuz my cuz my wife's younger than me and and I was really worried about it first I love her it's my wife but I was really worried she knew who you were when she met you she knew the fake you yeah yeah but the thing is she knew the TV Craig Ferguson oh that's the same one no that's a little cleaned up ladies and gentlemen just to be honest with you the TV Craig Ferguson may seem incredibly crazy cheeky monkeys yeah think about how crazy he is in real life no but here's the thing I was very worried about cuz I was thought oh people are going to say mean things cuz my wife's younger than me and they did some people did say mean things and then I thought wait I didn't I didn't let the church tell me how to live I didn't let my parents tell me how to live my school uh the society I grew up in but I was going to let o la pop culture tell me out no not a chance so I relaxed yeah not a chance no because you're like me We unfortunately we have the same genetic uh cuz we're cousins from the same age people yes we are to this day and I'm I'm a grown man with my own children when somebody tells me like when the nuns used to say whatever you do don't open that door first thing I'm doing is open open the door you got to open the door you know don't light a match in here whatever you do where's the matches I'm that's me that's me you know it's always going to be me that's why he's screaming for a commercial break and I just can't do it can't do we're like 3 minutes over are we don't do it Craig don't do it I I got to do it man see to tell you do it do it do it do it now [Applause] [Music] got so [Music] much we got we got to wrap it up right welcome back everybody we don't have time to talk I got to get him out he I got to mention my song oh yeah what what your what song's going on well I have a new song called kiss my ass oh I saw that on the Tweety kiss my ass yeah it's called kiss my ass it comes out the same day as the movie actually it comes out Monday and there's a video uh that the funnier die people did of the song which comes out Monday as well and it's a kind of a alternative national anthem I love the national anthem but you know it's kiss my ass is a national anth well look can I finish I love the's banana I love the national anthem it's it's a it's a hard song to sing and it's not that funny but kiss my ass is catchy and it's dancable and it's pretty funny so it's for the 4th of July when you're partying and you you want to just kind of get going it's a song called my ass do you have any uh do you have a clip of the kiss oh you did kiss my ass that's nice I'm aican I love if gas HS 11 Buck or anyway I love it that is Larry [Applause] everybody ass kiss ass kiss my ass this crazy world CRA world it's a take it time any day any day could be the welcome back everybody welcome back my first guest tonight very talented comic and actor and author he's a friend of mine is latest book Mary we can't say what it is Christmas is in stores now please welcome the great Dennis Larry [Music] everybody [Music] [Music] [Music] wow right there you know I got to tell you something man what I got to tell you and maybe you want to hear this maybe you don't but this this the band just changes everything it's great is I know it changes everything I know right so how long are you guys going to be on the show they're here until tomorrow and then that's it and then you're then we're back that's the word word that's the word that's the word that's on your boook the word is actually Mary strudel Christmas it won't no you can't don't say it don't you can't you I don't like cussing in this show you put the finish flag in front of my mouth when I say uh oh well wait why did you bring out an Irish flag why why do you think look at my face and then look at this and then you figure it out so what you're saying is you're drunk no but I was drunk for many years actually that's how we met yeah true and a festival years ago at least I think it is how we met I can't yes I remember he can't remember because he was really shut itk yeah I was a little gr up and happy yeah Craig was really gr up been really happy but you know what you were uh you were always funny I don't know if that's true Dennis no I'll tell you right now you were funny that's when you were doing the no cure for cancer you were I remember they the theaters in in uh in Britain and Ireland and Edinburgh they have uh they have pubs they have bars in the theater so when you're done with the show you go to the and the performers do as well and um he was doing his character Bing Hitler yeah that people Lov that it was a people love that it was a it was a it was a brilliant combination of Bing Crosby and adol Hitler no it was an idea it was an idea it was comedy genius ladies and gentlemen it wasn't a gay robot skeleton but it was on the way on the way and and the beauty of Craig at the time and probably still now um was that he was being Hitler on stage and off he would he would wear the outfit and just kind of be there with a little Hitler mustache in the a you're making this up this is not true this is true this is true I was drunker than I thought I you know I was thinking about this actually it's funny that we're talking about because Frank FR Skinner who I remember Frank a great comedian he's a great comedian friend of ours who's very famous in Britain and he was with us in Edinburgh and so was Eddie we were all unknown back then it was 22 years ago Eddie was Eddie was full on transvestic and he was like full on dresses and like he would be wearing evening gowns to the bars and everything you remember all that or maybe that was me I who was it I I was just going to say I think it was you yeah I I remember Eddie saying hey isn't that mine and you went no um we wore the same dress but was it was a great time and look at us now we're all famous and and the you're famous well you're so are you look at the size of your studio yeah that's true you have Rich s yeah he's I mean it's actually when you think about the reason I thought about because Frank Skinner is a I get this message that he's celebrating his 25th year in show business and that's one of those things when somebody says it you go like wow 25 years and then I realized I started doing standup in 1980 which I guess counts as because I was getting paid yeah yeah so I mean 25 I was like that's a long time time then I thought about it and I went oh tosie yeah yeah you know but also at the time none of us had any money we were all broke I still don't well what you put it all into the band yeah yeah they're pretty expensive I spent it all on Richie yeah it's yeah he's an expensive boy yeah Rich Sora what you don't get him for four bucks but you know you're going to be very lonely next week when you come to do the show and Rich I'm very I'm very concerned about it to be honest like next week when I come to do the show the the band will be gone it'll be me and Jeff and and the energy right don't you love the band I don't know what to do I don't know what you're going to do you know but the thing is you got to you got to look on the bright side you do no I don't know I CU here's here's the thing I've seen the show you know the new set without the band and and I love the show but that area is very empty yeah I know that's what I'm saying it's going to I mean if you don't put a SORA with some friends in there but you got nothing you you was already a couple times tonight you got big ass with Richie going back and forth I know so you got you got you got Jeff wait wait are you saying I can't do this show on my own is this what you're saying to me what I'm saying what oh first it's like oh big hler had a mustache and then what the hell what I'm saying is that you may yourself okay come on that's the word because you know if you if you had gone gone out and gotten a crappy band right and they played everybody like oh they're okay but instead you go you're right almost completely out of your league and get Richie Sor now hey hey hey man that's harsh that's harsh you harshed me there you said out of my league okay it's true but it's harsh I know the truth can hurt it is it hurt me a little bit but it kind of in a good I apologize but he's right over there so yeah what kind of a man doesn't want sex every night what did you know the lap dance was invented in Finland no I didn't know that yeah yeah it was B they do it to keep warm they finish you ever been to Finland no I've never been to Finland you know neither have I I made that thing up about I've never been there I I what's the closest you ever got uhler no no I in that bar that was the closest we got it was pretty cold out I've been in Norway you have no no wait Sweden oh okay that's pretty close I I had an affair with a Norwegian did you really girl did oh that was my next question by way did you really well have an affair with yeah yeah not recently no but I mean let's go back a little bit when was that during the first marriage Edinburgh ah it's very close they just come over they fold up their furniture and then they come it's really nice very nice yeah but you were already married then you were already like love married had first child I had first child then that's right he was born then wasn't he yeah we were all like he's got a kid I know that's weird we were freaked out you guys were you guys were just I was way ahead of the game it's a great thing now because now I can like my kids my kids are adults now yeah mine are still kids and my kid like my youngest one's two oh God I know I should have done what you but see this is a great melding of this free form interview we're doing and the product I'm pushing because your 2-year-old should read this book because the whole Santa thing get it over with quick hey hey hey who who what is the kid watching the show every night God you have a 2-year-old man yeah no it's it's really bad I mean you realize when the kid graduates from high school you're basically wearing his diapers at that point I don't know come on all right all right but here's the option like if I had kid when I was like you know as young as you were when you had your kids I was so crazy that I would damaged the kids you weren't that crazy no I wasn't I was I was I was super crazy I'm only capable now yes and that's only for a 10-minute window yes also you're saying that like my kids going to high school I mean come on Daddy didn't when did you finish school ah geez I dropped out High School 1978 what year was that your 1978 this is why he host the show when I sit here that made me laugh there I know that made me laugh too but were you a junior or senior or was freshman year I was 16 I don't know what that is and your parents let you do it I no but you know I was like yeah right I know everything yeah yeah I was like no I was out of there and what drugs were you on at that point uh there alcohol and a little a little one called uh amphetamin sulfate that was very popular at the time kind of pre to math no it's uh it was kind of like math but uh before iPods how do you but how do you how did you do it snort it snorted it snorted it yeah it's terrible drug terrible drug and how did it make you feel delightful very bad for you though yeah very bad wow man I never even heard of that did you ever hear of that never heard of that one no I never heard of that one never heard of that Dr they didn't have that in New Jersey man no they didn't have it we yeah I beg to death for I had it in New Jersey yeah but you you brought it into the country yourself probably right no I I didn't I don't remember even heard of it no it wasn't popular in America it was like it's like what sled they were a band that were popular in Britain not popular in America same with me ENT selfie meth became popular here yeah meth became popular I know that was I've been done they didn't have that back in my day no we just no we didn't have meth we got higher potatoes in my day hey man back in my day we were snort and Pam you know you take Pam and spray it into into the toilet paper roll and snort that uh glue P bad bastard we were poor we were poor you know how poor we were I tell my kids this all the time we had a snort household products to get out and now please see some [Music] advertised wild flying now I'm running [Music] I every welcome back to the show I'm here with a gentleman from the old sod called Dennis leri how are you do you uh you go back there quite a lot don't you yeah I haven't been in a while now but yeah I did quite a bit and uh my parents are both from from a little place called Karne oh yeah my parents grew up on adjoining Farms that they met you know as that's very rtic I know and then they came to America and uh and you know wait no didn't your dad come to America and was a boxing champion and then went back and he met your mom and then he had a big long fight in the oh no way that's the movie The Quiet that's quiet boy thank God for those whatever that drug was that you used to do but that's a better story um uh no they my dad came to New York and do you walk around with this it's a law I walk around with it and uh and just wave it at people you know there's certain people you wave that to things are going to get Lively I know I know got be careful I know especially you know in Edinburgh and you know they still got that that thing yeah like if I'm walking around without an Irish flag people are like I wonder who he is what nationality is he no it's like when you in Scotland people think you're an Irishman whenever I go to Boston people think I'm from Boston they go that guy over there he's a cop well what now what is your why I don't think I ever asked you this but if you go back in your genealogical tree Irish yeah see all of them everybody is Irish everybody Robert dairo Irish no it's Sor Irish be quiet now Richie and play your ukulele boy that sounded like real galic that Richie was saying who you be bending over for the old Captain you're right wow yeah it's pretty good listen we're out of time you want to C yeah yeah yeah you want to smash the coconut with me I'd like to smash coconut can we just put say one more thing about this okay wait I just I have to I have to push it it's called Merry Christmas and the proceeds go to the lry firefighters Foundation which is uh to help firefighters all over the country and buy equipment and train so please buy the book all right you want to smash a coconut let yeah safety goggles there oh this is awesome yeah no we're going to I think we should smash one each uh no let's see uh do you want a you want a rain jacket this yeah are you ready no I'm not ready well you well I'm trying where do go uh just smash it on there sm all right you ready all right we'll have a race Oh I thought going to use hammers or something what oh really would you like me to get you a sundress just smash the damn coconut all right after three it's a race between Scotland and Ireland to see who wins the what you do just banging on the board you never smashed the cocon I never smash the coconut what the hell is wrong with you you had your kids too early what are you what are you going to do I'm going to smash this coconut leg take the take oh see I I'm I'm ahead of you now how how hard do you have to this cry pretty hard okay all right ready three two one [Applause] what's drink the blood of the coconut I think that was a tie that is L everybody I think that was a tie and back up again Shel the food [Music] is it's hard to stay up when there's nothing on just jimy and some crap but hang on to Fergus nice but he's not gay okay he would say he's gay if a guaranteed rating okay he's gay the hot Do's just a giant beard will sa tonight on the show Julie Del Lam more muris reie saora with special mystery G that is clear everybody I'm sorry man why do you have to [Applause] [Music] leave [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] welcome back everybody welcome back my most awesome guest tonight he's a very talented comic uh he's a writer he's an executive producer he's very hand handsome very sexy very handsome man his new series sirens is he in it I think so no he's not uh he's the executive producer uh at premieres March the 6 on USA take a look at this let's just hit clear history of racist crap and get the hell out Denis lery everybody Den is [Applause] [Music] [Applause] l [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] I I I wanted to take this opport opportunity to take over the show because I know how B crazy Craig is on a regular day never mind when he's all hopped up on cold medication so I wanted to push sirens is uh you probably have this written down somewhere what are you doing back there I'm trying to chocolate coins out the window okay he's hi anyways help yourself everyone March 6th is siren USA Network um nothing more interesting going on over here and I have I have a movie opening up April 11th called draft day it's a football movie with me and Kevin CER and Jennifer Garner and that's all I have to say see I just yeah I what I what I did was I saved you the worry of having to remember that at the end of the segment I I'm I'm not interested in remember anything and also I go and see everything that you do because you know I'm a creepy stalker of yours I live for you your work I just want to say that back in the old days the sinus infections were different yeah yeah a little bit we shed a dressing room once at the End Festival the 80s uhoh oh boy you want to talk about sinus infections ladies and gentlemen you want to talk about disappointed Canadians ladies and gentl you want to talk about disappointed Scottish people yeah yes but you know what I wanted to tell you what do you take are you one of these people that won't take no no I I will take I'm taking uh can I say the name of the medication okay I can't say it I yeah because a lot of people a lot of people when they when they get sober when they quit drugs and alcohol and get sober they don't want to take anything uh you know cold medication cuz they think they might get you know sucked back into the whole thing that's the reason I take it yeah I know you're looking for the cheap exem yeah I'm looking for a cheap thrill no I Norm I'm very careful about about you know about what you take yeah okay so let me mention a couple of products right okay okay now if there's F He he'll bleep them all though just so as you know then I'll then I'll make sure I mouth it like a like a puppet everybody who knows me knows I'm a big fan of Tootsie fruty Tootsie fruty say that I can say Tootsie frut I can say toots frut Tootsie frie Martin Luther but anyways so you won't you won't actually take any medication like no no no I I I wouldn't take any this go alcohol and Denis I'm an alcoholic this is rather insensitive listen to me no it's not how much alcohol is there in Tootsie fruty it's not about how much man the it's like a so if I already put my penis Z it's all right so wait [Applause] so so are you so you're telling me you're one of those people like if you had a bite of rum cake yeah you would go on a bender if I had a bite of rum cake him up I thought you were going to say I would or which I might do as well I can't be sure I wouldn't do that rum cake then all right well that could be that could really register in the ratings yeah I don't care though man look look what happened to Leno top of the ratings for like 20 years he's been fired twice Man twice how are his ratings too good too good obviously people know he's on I like to go under the radar man yeah just sneak along doing your job so when you're on what does that feel like nothing does it feel it gives you it gives it relieves a little pressure okay but you don't get a buzz nah not like the old days yeah not like the old days I wish could have been there it was great well listen you still do stand up don't you do you still go I do I do charity concerts every fall um I do one for the Cam Neely foundation in Boston that we do uh up at the um a ganis Arena up there which is fantastic it's like 10,000 people I host it and I bring it's called Comics come home going into our 20th year this year and all Boston comics in uh no it's well it's the idea was it's people who started in Boston but also anybody that went through but yeah we've had I've I've been through Boston a couple i' love to next year is my 20th I'd love to have you come and do it does is Tommy manino still the the mayor of no no he's he's uh just retired oh he has I got on well with him did you really yeah yeah he introduced me I I spoke at fny Hall they can barely understand yeah yeah I know he said he's the mayor of Boston the mayor of Boston and he can barely even people from Boston can barely understand him his nickname is mumbles yeah right he said he introduced me at Fel Hall I was speaking the Fourth of July I just become a citizen and he went this guy's on TV well he he wasn't wrong yeah oh like go for the big build up Tommy right all all these bonies are like I would I would love to have you at that gft yeah I'll do it my 20th is next year which is the longest running um comedy benefit show in in America now um and I've had I've had everybody on I yeah great um and good love yeah I like I like I got family in bus all you have to you do like 10 15 minutes and it's you know I I got to do more than that no I got a lot of guys but you know what I hear that but what about your company career hey hey hey right into that one um I'll make an exception for you but I would love to have you I hate to do this in front of in front of an audience and make you oh These people aren't paying any attention okay and you're and you're high too so you could always claim you're oh that's true I'm very high on unspecified medication um well I was going to ask you something else uh D here it is I just remembered cuz I have kind of Alzheimer's runs in my family I think I'm starting to get it now so sometimes I'm going to skip around here you know this is coming up this funny that I asked you to do the 20th anniversary of the Cam Neely event um oh I forgot to mention we also do the Michael J fox Parkinson's Alzheimer's sorry um uh I we do the Alzheimer's the Alzheimer's hold on a second stay right there stay right there stay right there oh you know it's not okay to laugh at I do the Michael J fox Alzheimer's Parkinson's B benefit yeah which is for people with Parkinson's but who forget they have it all right okay oh my God I mean it wouldn't it's all right man imagine if you had Parkinson and you actually forgot that you had it well you know I don't want to get involved in whatever you're doing to yourself but why why did I mention that well you were going to ask me something yeah all right yeah I was going to tell you this is coming up on our 24th not 25th 25th uh 24th year we've we've known each other we met in 1990 and this is 2014 I was thinking about that backstage W I went on a rehab in 1992 yeah which means I have no recollection of meeting you in 19 but fortunately there's about 20 other comedians who do remember they were there yeah yeah yeah but yeah it was 24 years ago man that's crazy amazing right yeah and who would have thought that you'd be here alive yeah I know man know I mean look at the two of us I know it's crazy we're here now as a miracle and with our hair I mean come on you know that's true amazing yeah amazing we have good hair you you know if you had if you had told me while you were high back in 1990 that one day I'm going to host my own show in America with a puppet horse and a talking skeleton I probably would have believed you we were right back [Applause] [Music] [Applause] that [Applause] first time the hell's he doing well you know Frank went down that road of I'm never getting married and ohang hang on are we on are we back yeah yeah oh he tell me something really private something very private about about Frank about a friend of ours Frank Skinner Frank SK is a British comedian I haven't seen Frank in a long time very famous comedian very famous by the way Frank could be watching this and so Frank hi and uh and he's and Frank's now from me Frank just from Dad no he's lovely guy Frank and one of the funniest people on the planet now he's a dad are we really back live on TV yeah okay that was the shortest commercial break I feel like I'm high now what are you doing uhoh no no no what happens is that in many uh places throughout the country people fast forward through the commercial breaks and it has an effect right here does it really I like it I like it I like it now I want you to know something else and this is going to sound like I'm talking you but this is the truth and I want to say it to you right now yourself no I'm kidding kid you gave me one of these mugs after the uh show one time because I collect mugs from talk shows I have a ton of them now and I didn't have one from him and he gave me that and I unfortunately think of you every single morning cuz in the apartment in New York my daughter lives with us and she puts the that was not allowed to be a drinking mug she puts these little um espresso pods in there and that's like where we where you take them out and put them in the machine every morning I take one out and I go Craig Ferguson yeah isn't that nice how's your daughter she's very good stay away from her stay away from her stay away from her man how's your family by the way yeah they're all right the little ones got an ear infection again you know that's bad when you're a kid yeah thank you yeah yeah thanks for the F that that would really help yeah how how uh how I think what you know it's the first year of preschool for the youngest one he's three right so what happens is it's the ccle of life with germs yes like goes into preschool brings back home all the crap we get it he gets free of it goes back to school comes back home we've got it go he go to those kids are germ factories you know and then they just you know what they do my kids are adults now and they're still living at home they just suck all your money up and all your food and they suck the life right out of you you know what I mean you realize that they're just going to take over everything and leave you just this empty shell you know and you know what I'm happy to do that's okay that's fine that's the weird thing right I know I know it really is true I know how many you got now my my son will be 24 yeah cuz he was born my son was born that summer in Edinburgh in London and he was in Edinburgh with us uh he wasn't hanging out with us you know no no and uh thank God and my daughter is 22 this year so wow that's you I mean you you've been married now 25 years that's amazing 25 years and business and we've been together for I can't do the math like 30 or something like that wow now can you imagine yeah that's amazing you know what's amazing you know what's amazing yeah what's truly amazing is that some woman actually put up with me for that long I'm thinking you know I mean you I but I see I I have always had a suspicion that you're not quite as crazy at home as you are when you go out you know what I'm not I think you are I think you're like you know like you're like a proper dude like you sit down the sports on TV you watch yeah I'm pretty well I'm pretty crazy with the sports but you know what I also I've mellowed a little bit oh yeah toots frut I don't oh really I hadn't noticed the place is still standing I have not I was thinking of this the other day the last time I I attempted to either Punch or pull a cab driver out of a his driver side window in New York was about seven or eight years ago God bless you and I count that as a major uh that I tell you you know what that is that's spiritual healing it really is but I'd like to just try it again soon just for all time sake no don't see what happens is you have to be in a rage to do it I'm a black I'm an Irishman that goes into a black rage and then I can destroy entire neighborhoods but I can't do it unless I'm in the black rage yeah you know I really wish you hadn't said that on Martin Luther King day which is interesting as the audience has no idea how to feel about this and neither do I well I did mention that it was an Irish thing you know okay okay right yeah and watch this segue you know folks I like to judge people not by the color of their skin but by the content of their character oh hey okay that's right and when I met Craig I said here is a dumble door balloon I that is L everyone what did we learn on the [Music] [Music] in the hell was that someone saying a cat cat porn cat on cat cat on cat porn holy crackers you never dabbled in a little cat on cat anybody look um listen I want to apologize to you I I would never of course give you away as a prize that was just a joke if she guested it correct uh you know your hate correctly I would have still you know I'd have got my way over it I mean not well you know what I mean Scottish lesbian says what [Music] what

Channel: The Jayleno Fly

Views: 446,270

Keywords: クレイグと女の子の女性, クレイグ・ファーガソン, craig ferguson, craig ferguson and the ladies, flirting masterclass, funny late night, best talkshow, funny talkshow, talkshow compilation, talkshow moments, flirt talkshow, geoff the robot, the jayleno fly, funny moments, super happy fun time hour with robot and old man, denis leary, comedian, denis leary comedy, denis leary craig ferguson, denis leary funny, denis leary friends, denis leary chronological, denis leary stand up, denis leary interview

Id: sHWPPBBWCk8

Length: 116min 11sec (6971 seconds)

Published: Sat Sep 30 2017