This Happens When You Confront Your Toxic Parents - AskReddit

the only way I'm going back is if I'm in a small jar people who have confronted their parents about their toxic behavior how did it go either that didn't happen you're making it up or that didn't happen that way you're remembering it wrong I'm still relearning to trust my own memory because I spent 30 years being constantly gaslighted now I had just go to therapy and keep conversations with my parents nice and light and surfacy saves a lot of trouble my brother and I sat down with our dad with our grandfather as a mediator to explain the effects of his verbal and emotional abuse through the years I cried the whole time as I explained that I had almost killed myself earlier that week by driving off a bridge because I couldn't take it his response well my father beat me so really you're getting the better end of it it could be so much worse this is just how it goes you guys are going to do the same thing to your kids do and they might be the ones to break the cycle but there's nothing you can do about it my brother and I said eff that and immediately jumped into counselling and dismissed him as a father figure and sought new men we could trust I told my mom I was inviting my dad's girlfriend to graduation and she was not happy she threatened to not go and you know what I was already getting fed up with her and this was the straw that broke the camel's back I told her that if she doesn't go because of his girlfriend then it shows how much she actually cares about me and I would cut her out of my life for good I told her something like when I get married she is going to be there and when I have children she's gonna be at the hospital and if you won't even show up to my graduation you might as well never see me again I made it very clear that it would be her doing not mine we left it on that note because she had to go to work i sat in my room sobbing alone until she left when she did I called my dad because I needed someone to let me know whether or not I did the right thing I was so scared that not only would I lose my mom I would lose my sister and grandparents once she told them what happened my dad reassured me that I did the right thing because I needed to show her that I'm not going to let her manipulate me not long after we hung up my mom texted me an apology and we hugged it out when she got home my graduation is in two weeks and she promised me that she would be there so I guess everything worked out I told my mother in a very loving way that she couldn't stay alone with my three-year-old son she was hurt and embarrassed and bewildered she asked was it my temper and I said yes in part we both cried an ache together then she didn't bring it up for about six months until she couldn't take it anymore and demanded to know why I said I wasn't ready to talk about it she pressed and pressed and finally I said mom you pretended to commit suicide when I was six years old more than once to see how I would react she said I know that but it was a long time ago what if I said you couldn't be a good mother because you were in an abusive relationship 15 years ago not the father of my child then she said I wouldn't do that to him I loved him I said mom I know you love him but you loved me and you couldn't help it and I wish I had said this but didn't know Mom my high school bf beating me up and snatching me is not the same thing as you a 35 year old woman at the time faking suicide to a six-year-old those aren't the same things and that is not an apology it went horribly I've tried multiple times and it only results in circulate conversations where it's all turned around on me and I'm left feeling like I'm crazy will go for me saying a Felix when you do X and then I'm being told I'm lying about example X because I told a lie 18 years ago the topic changes a thousand times we wind up yelling at each other and then my parent will suddenly pretend to understand after all I'll hear all about how loved I am then after I leave I realized there was no apology and no resolution to what happened at all my mother wasn't really toxic but emotionally distant when I had a heart-to-heart with her she hugged me and we cried together our relationship has greatly improved my dad is super toxic when I tried to have a serious talk with him about the damage he's done he was adamant that he did nothing wrong he even laughed when I told him that I was suicidal in the past because of him it did not work out well I was already on my way out of their lives but I felt I needed to do it basically it went like this acting like they didn't know what happened acting like I was straight-up lying multiple ad hominem attacks about how I was a broken person because I had anxiety used to be promiscuous and bisexual etc bargaining in terms of if you fix yourself go to conversion therapy will forget this ever happened me leaving slandering my name to every mutual contact annual Facebook posts if we don't know why she never contacts us anymore I feel bad because I miss my dad and I know that the reason he wasn't in my corner is because my mom's abusive to him too but telling them what was up before I left felt good and gave me some peace considering a feel more at peace now I feel like in the long run it went well my bio father never wanted to be an active member in my life for my sister's life all I wanted from him was for him to apologize for molesting me he denies it ever happened and says that I am basically trying to make him look bad with his family I would have loved to grow up without that looming over my head and me feeling like it was somehow my fault finally in 2014 I put an end to it I confronted him he told me he wouldn't apologize for something he didn't do that was the moment I realized that he is in fact a possum that I will never get an apology from him so life goes on without him my sister lives near him I'm several states away and she will occasionally run into him at his job Walmart and will pop off some smartass comment to him or confront him he was talking to a customer or associate by the milk and my sister just happened to be in earshot he was talking about how he loves his kids and is a proud grandfather bla bla bla and my crazy sister walked right up to him and said for being so proud you wouldn't even know when your own child is standing in front of you then told his friend hi I'm sister I'm one of his daughters he has never supported or had anything to do with then walked away as a female our fathers play a huge role in our lives and when one bounces out of our lives it's tough he will have to answer for his shortcomings and I hope some day he realizes how bad he messed up and what he missed out on not to brag but my sister and I are pretty freaking awesome I have three parents a dead a biological father and mom dad awesome man who means the world to me and does whatever whenever he can to help anyone by Oh father scared the holy hell out of me most of my life the day I called Amon is abusive drug-addicted alcohol-dependent ways and was able to look him dead in the eye with a F you was the most liberating fear killer of my life mom she struggled with her own mental illnesses most of her life those eventually got projected onto me morality doesn't come from stone wanna be religious belief self-medication isn't a healthy coping mechanism I stood my ground explained how she was being a goddamned a-hole and ever since we've been on great terms did I have a healthy childhood probably not did I solve things my own way with expletives and raw emotion you're goddamn right well after 18 years of being abused and treated like poop I finally moved in with a friend now my wife and confronted my mom about everything she didn't let happen and I don't mean oh she was alive when it happened so it's her fault I mean oh I was 16 and told her about how my stepdad her husband was flirting with me to ask what I should do and I got grounded she denied everything that happened even though my siblings went through the same things and I cut contact with her as keeping in touch isn't worth it there's family and there's people you're related to by blood and she's in the latter category apparently to this day she insists that I love her and that I want to move back in with her grow up lady I'm States away and publicly disowned you the only way I'm going back is if I'm in a small jar and that's just to be a ghost and haunt her after my sister killed herself my mom hid the liquor and prescription drugs Hart a year in her liver was almost completely useless my sisters and stepdad sat down with her one evening to discuss getting her better and she immediately blew up on them and went into this spout about how when she was pregnant with their first kid my stepdad almost left her which was her fault she used his name to get herself some new credit cards and he was not cool with that that was the reason he was gonna leave anyway that's how she reacted nisht so got my mom during a counseling session started crying and saying she was a horrible mother and my shrink agreed that she was trying to avoid accountability I never confronted my dad about everything but when I mentioned how abusive he was in passing he got extremely defensive and tried to say it was just one time it wasn't well first I got scolded for using the word toxic because it's a very strong word with negative connotations yeah why do you think I used it then then I got told everyone makes mistakes and parenting is a journey for us too and it was never our intention to make you feel that way and we just want the best for you okay fair enough I understand parenting isn't easy but that still doesn't negate the fact that it did damage to my mental health just because you accidentally killed a man without intending to actually kill him doesn't mean he isn't dead there were many promises of change over the years but I never saw any real action until very recently and I'm talking several weeks ago the rest were just empty promises over the years but the toxic behavior got increasingly worse then when I said I'd need therapy just to heal from that I was told you don't need therapy because Jesus is the only counselor you'll ever need if you don't want therapy for yourself because that's the way you think fine it's your choice just let me have my choice it's when you say things like these that make religion look bad she attempts to Gaslight me a lot and confused me into misremembering things like she did when I was a child saying things like I didn't say that are you sure you're remembering that correctly or when did I say that to the point where I'd have to have a Johnnie Cochran level argument just so she wouldn't feel like she won these exchanges but even then it was all for nothing because she never accepted any responsibility for her behavior it gets me nowhere and I've never in my life seen her display a shred of self-awareness or even ask how am i doing as a mother it's difficult having someone like that as a parent because you as the son or daughter really do yearn for them to understand how they've hurt you but some people just don't care it didn't go very well I was molested by my grandfather when I was six years old after years of night terrors and insomnia I confronted my parents about the situation they told me that it never happened and that I was jealous of my younger sister so I made the entire thing up for attention it wasn't until the year my grandfather passed away that they decided to bring it up almost as if it was more convenient for them now I've never really felt loved by them I still don't they give my sister's dogs more attention than they give my daughters we don't talk much we rarely see another and we live 20 minutes away sometimes it's better to express your feelings and stand up for yourself just because they are your parents doesn't mean that you can rely on them I have always had a difficult relationship with my father he was not overtly toxic but he was an absent father and not interested in me as a person he isn't a bad guy just not a good father he left my mom when I was 8 and moved in with his secretary prior to that he never really took interest in me didn't play with me didn't teach me anything etc one example of my younger years was when I was building a model plane the kit was missing apart so he made the part out of scratch for me he builds master models for a manufacturer I was so touched that he did it as I couldn't believe that he would take time away from his hobbies for me he was never abusive at all he was just never interested in me or what I was doing I played sports in high school in college and came to one game in seven years one we have never been close and I always resented him for leaving my mom brother and I but mostly I resented him for not being interested in me all I ever wanted was his attention and approval fast forward many years to where I'm married with sons of my own my wife encouraged me to speak to him about how I felt as it was bothering me quite a bit I didn't want my kids to have a poor relationship with their grandfather because of me so I sucked it up and did what I thought was the best for my family we talked on the phone we live 500 miles away from each other and I told him how I felt now I didn't expect him to take all of the blame and that it would make everything all better I just needed to get it off my chest he agreed with me about resenting him and blamed it all on me it was my fault that he wasn't interested in me as I didn't make good conversations also when we spoke I didn't ask about his wife and her family admittedly so he blamed everything on me it took all of the strength and courage I had just to bring it up to him so it absolutely crushed me all I wanted was his approval after that I once again buried my feelings and emotions and vowed to never speak to him about it again a few years later on our Christmas Day phone call he proceeded to complain about my gift I created a book of photos of the wife and kids and I from the year prior and send it to the grandparents and aunts and uncles I had done this for years and everyone loved it he complained that there were photos of my mom and my in-laws with the kids but not with him I told him that's because the other grandparents spent time with me and the kids and maybe if he did we could take some photos he ruined my Christmas and again crushed me I was tempted to cut him out of my life but didn't for several reasons the bright side is I have focused all of my attention on being a good dad for my kids I stayed home with him for years and have been a part of their lives every day as much as possible the kids teachers coaches and even bosses at work all comment on how well-behaved and polite and hardworking they are I have tried to channel my own personal demons into improving the lives of my kids so far so good the first last straw was when she told me that she invited my childhood abusers family to my wedding the night before my wedding I cried I yelled at her I told her and several family members every piece of messed up dirty laundry that woman had piled upon me over the years it turns out she didn't invite those people after all she was only trying to get a rise out of me and it worked so I grinned through the wedding and then a week later told her that I wanted to take a break and re-evaluate our relationship it was the most blissful three months ever but I let her back into my life mostly because I was vulnerable my spouse and I were poor with a child in at least we suddenly couldn't afford so we started depending on my mom again and she sunk her teeth right in cut to two years later I'm eight months pregnant and finally financially stable my dog had terminal cancer but was not yet in the end stage and as far as we could tell not in any pain our lease was up but the new place we were looking to move to could not accept a dog so we made the decision to have my best friend put down I scheduled the appointment a month in advance I just needed to get through the birth stress free and deal with the loss afterward in the meantime my dog would live with my parents well one weekend I was home completely alone my husband was two hours away my mother knew this and my mother calls saying that the dog is imminently dying and bleeding out internally she got me all kinds have worked up it was 5:30 when I got to see my girl and the vet's office was closing soon I barely got a chance to see my puppy before she was put down my mom had a lot of stress and pressure into the situation and while gentle the process was hasty I nearly went into labor because I cried so hard holding my dead dog on the ride home my mom kept alternating between obsessing over my labor symptoms and offering to pay me money for my dog I got home and left a voicemail with the vet arranging for a necropsy to be done before she was cremated a few days later the vet called me and informed me that there was no internal bleeding other than the cancer the dog was fine and in fact the vet Dex who were present for the euthanasia were confused as my mother called out of the blue to have the appointment done early that which killed my dog just to see if I'd go into labor deprived me of a proper goodbye with the one who was there for me through all of her abuse I've never forgiven her for it so I broke contact with her a few months later it was rough my sister had to help out with babysitting so I could finish my school semester as my mother was sitting for me before I'm thankful for that it's been almost five years and my mother still stalks me shows up with unsolicited gifts on holidays leaving them at the doorstep calls to harass me sends my drug addict told her brother to my door none of his qualifies for a restraining order in my state Perret my father had over the years developed a I call you come to where I am said of mind I was at my parents house for the weekend from college I was a senior and was close to graduating I had worked hard my parents weren't able to contribute to higher education I was in the house talking with my mother and I hear him whistling for me to come to him I continued my conversation with my mother he whistled again my mother advised me to go see what he wanted I told her it wasn't going to hurt him to wait or come in here if he really wants me and we continued our previous conversation he came stomping into the house and demanding to know if I hurt him I told him I did he asked why didn't I come then I asked him if he expected me to come to him like a dog whenever whistle from the look on his face I don't think it had ever crossed his mind that he was treating me that way it was something he never did again thanks for listening to radio TTS hit the subscribe button and activate the notification Bell for more topics no one wants to talk about click the right box for the toxic people playlist let us know what you think about your upbringing leave a review about your own parents in the comments below

Channel: Radio TTS

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Keywords: reddit, reddit stories, best of reddit, askreddit, reddit story, ask reddit, reddit cringe, askreddit funny, reddit funny, r/askreddit, top posts, reddit best, r/, reddit top posts, askreddit top posts, reddit top post, radio tts parents, Toxic Parents, reddit toxic parents, askreddit toxic parents, toxic parents advice, a letter to toxic parents, Confronting toxic parent, Ways to Deal with Toxic Parents

Id: MoYTDZav7UA

Length: 18min 18sec (1098 seconds)

Published: Wed May 27 2020