Signs That Someone Had A Bad Childhood - AskReddit

seemingly sweet loving families can be just as toxic as obviously abusive once what are the toxic childhood signs that people show later in adulthood self-sabotage being afraid of being successful getting intimate or showing vulnerability for example when I got approved for a car loan after years of trying to get my things together to qualify the first thing I thought after cheering was oh who or what's going to eff me over tomorrow then I couldn't sleep for a couple of nights because I kept thinking something was going to happen like a family member dying or my apartment actually burning down we had a scare from a grease fire three days prior awkward hugs it took me about a year just to get used to physical contact that didn't end in pain I couldn't even hand someone something without being afraid that our hands would accidentally touch and then they would be pissed like my roommate wanted me to grab his phone so I used to just lightly toss it because I figured if I touched him he would get pissed turns out people don't get pissed if you touch them accidentally or on purpose it's not a question of if it's a question of where I still can't bring myself to even awkwardly hug someone normally it's just a handshake or a fist bump I'm making progress though being afraid of other people finding out about your successes because you think they'll mock you for them my dad always does so why shouldn't everyone else you scored above average on your SATs could have been better come on why not outstanding anyone could get that score you got top of your class luck again come on why do you even try so hard you should really exercise and see your friends more you've got an a a 92 well where did those eight points go which ones did you get wrong you can do better you idiot someone replied I was in grade three the first time my mom did that in Australia we have no plan which is a test you do every second year so in primary school in a bit of high school I got 39 out of 40 the best in the class and I was so happy I went home to tell my mom and she yelled at me saying where was that other point and you have no right to be happy you didn't get everything right it's happened ever since and I don't bring friends over because of how my parents yell at us and how if my dad is apologizing for everything all of the time other stuff includes inability to maintain eye-contact failing to voice a stance on something even if they know they're right social anxiety depression self-isolation etc someone replied and the whole thing where if you apologized for a minor slip-up say not finishing the dishes as of a random previously undetermined moment it's met with you're not sorry sorry doesn't mean anything and then I end up apologizing for saying sorry and it paradoxically makes me incredibly evasive when I do mess up completely unable to set proper boundaries extreme submissiveness severely low self-esteem anxiety and depression hyper vigilance very sensitive to any sort of criticism mental illness in general very poor coping skills taking responsibility for other people's emotions and behavior being very sensitive to rejection and abandonment as someone who suffered through a toxic childhood I resonate with so many things in this list especially the last few I used to be so bad about taking responsibility for other people in university during my first experience on my own I ended up getting into an awful relationship with my ex that was basically a projection of all these things I made it my goal to fix all his problems I basically became his mom there were many instances when I wanted to break up with him but the breakup never lasted more than a short while before I went crawling back I have terrible self-confidence I've worked hard on it but it's never really going to go away I'll probably always default to seeking validation from others I can control it now to the degree that it isn't really detrimental anymore but it creeps in I think what I recognized in other people is a certain cynicism it can come out in a lot of ways but it's there it's the old the abyss stares back at you aphorism you saw or heard or felt or understood something some people never do way too young and it stayed with you I don't know if any of you have ever heard someone say that there someone else had the dread on them but that's a good metaphor too I'm in my early 30s and engaged to someone who had a good childhood she isn't constantly expecting criticism and anger or to be abandoned or humiliated she knows what a happy family looks like she's watched her parents fight and work the problem out there is an optimism to her like underneath it all she believes in positive outcomes we don't have that we can only be pleasantly surprised and always vigilant always expecting something bad to happen it's just there and you can tell I feel like I can just see it written all over people at this point there are higher levels of sadness regret anger all of these fairly negative emotions important ones but negative ones in us and that creates an imbalance in the system and gives those emotions an elevated position in the hierarchy of feelings default mode is not content or happy or even well even or neutral we can put those vibes out but that doesn't mean that's what's happening under the surface and most people can't tell but for a lot of us we can see that there is another layer outwardly you can be whoever you want but internally you are permanently operating in the red and you'll have to overcompensate in ways other people don't and I think you can see that on a person if you know how to look my friend is a victim of this and what I've noticed is that he never tells anyone if he is in serious danger a few weeks ago he was at major risk of kovat and we weren't sure if he had it or not he didn't tell anybody until after he was cleared results came back negative though he also doesn't know how to accept gifts it's like he's never gotten one before he just kind of stares that it awkwardly and says tanks and then feels obliged to get you something too like I know he appreciates it but I just think it's unfamiliar territory for him fear of maintaining relationships occasionally dropping off the face of the planet when friends you really care about start getting too close I get sad and lonely a lot but whenever people reach out to me and try to make plans I feel a sense of panic and immediately make up an excuse not to it just feels like too much that being said sometimes plans happen organically or occasionally I can force myself to go out despite the sense of dread I feel over it also this extends to dating as well I've had to stop using dating apps because guys will ask me out and legitimately want to meet in person and it just scares me it feels like too much commitment already to even go on a single date some messed up part of my brain feels like I'm catfishing them because my pictures look better than how I look in real life obviously not by an insane degree or anything but I still worry about it I don't feel good enough to be going out with guys I feel fat awkward weird and like my social skills are terrible so even making a single non-committal date feels the same as asking a guy to marry me there are many degrees of maladjusted behavior I think the most bewildering people are the ones who grew up in undeniably messed-up family situations if you happen to just know this about them but with great effort they managed to put together a front so that they look very average ordinary well-adjusted and push onward and upward to a shiny happy life by appearances they do then you scratch beneath the surface and voila their private home life is just as much of a dysfunctional mess as whatever they grew up with they don't know how to invent a happy home life for real they end up recreating the mess that they're familiar with but outwardly to the community in public everything's fantastic and constantly coming up roses some people act out but some people internalize or develop pathological part-time amnesia as one who grew up in one it is serious self-doubt never thinking I can do anything right or even doing anything at all growing up my mom never thought anyone could do anything right except her and I mean anything in that sense if she asked you to get her a cutlery and rinse it before bringing she would go back and rinse it herself with the excuse that you missed a spot it was really that bad even as an adult I still get told I didn't do something well even though others have praised my ability to do the thing I never used to do anything unless I absolutely have to cause I felt I wasn't good at anything or I won't do it well although I have started working on it I still have my bad days one thing that has really helped is doing things without telling her imagine applying for a job and even before you go for the interview you are already being asked if you can cope with a job I just do my things and tell afterwards this has really helped me in some weird way persistent internalized feelings of shame about who they are difficulties with maintaining relationships either being too clingy and needy and burning people out or the opposite never being able to be close to someone swinging back and forth between the two is also a sign dissociation not usually distinct other identities but more like often losing time not realizing how you ended up somewhere spacing out a lot usually because something has triggered an upsetting memory emotional dysregulation essentially having unusual emotional responses to things so crying over something that isn't objectively sad but brings upset feelings for you laughing or having no response to something really upsetting etc not being able to access your feelings to know how you feel about a situation you're in very low self-esteem and self-worth distrust of others as assumption that you are unlovable and will always be left behind constant tension sore muscles from being physically tense often jumpy if they must sit within sight of an exit and with their back to the wall and still jump or always seem to be watching everyone around them someone who survived a toxic childhood will often have a very different image of themselves than anyone else has someone who is pretty your average may believe that they are hideous a kind caring person will call themselves selfish horrible etc they are also often very good at reading other people's feelings or emotions and have strong inexplicable impressions of other people that are usually not necessarily always right these are broad overviews all these things stem from toxic childhoods children internalize everything that happens to them and they learn like any prisoner to notice when they're adults are in particular modes what sets them off and what comes them down all of these traits were incredibly useful even life-saving at some point for a child the problem is when that child becomes an adult and is safe but doesn't know how to be a person in a safe place and they bring their old coping behaviors with them because that's all they know in order to survive oversharing I was basically a feral child so no one cared what I was doing I told pretty much everyone everything about me just to have someone care until I was 30 unfortunately now anyone who liked me telling them everything now thinks I hate them because I actually have some privacy but now I can tell everything to my therapist and everyone else can practice minding their own business I can't really speak for anyone else only myself but here are my definite signs that I've picked up that normal people don't seem to have being terrified when people start actually arguing and yelling in front of you even if it has nothing to do with you the inability to cry or react normally to sad or messed up things people-pleasing even if you are internally about to lose your pitch over how ridiculous the requests are just compulsively people-pleasing obsessively giving 110% at work or when giving gifts because the attention feels like a drug eating disorder for me it's been cheating doing body checks in the mirror anytime I can and comparing my body to everyone else's all the time making jokes at bad times I have to laugh if I'm not laughing I'm going to cry and crying as bad always being positive and happy now I know some people are naturally wired to be upbeat but some of us weren't allowed to express any negative emotions if you're sad you're ungrateful if you're angry you don't have the right to be if you're depressed you're making mommy feel bad so we learned to turn off anything that might indicate there were a major problems at home go to keep up appearances meanwhile you lose the ability to feel anything at all not being able to trust anyone because you never had any privacy as a child lacking confidence to pursue anything you're interested in because you were mocked or belittled for anything you showed interest in as a child rebelling in stupid ways because you have the freedom to do whatever you want as an adult because your childhood was so sheltered and overprotected to where you didn't even dare step one toe out of line because there were always punishments for having your own opinions wanting to live your own life seemingly sweet loving families can be just as toxic as obviously abusive ones in different ways body signs slouched posture fatigue mental health issues psychological trust issues and safety concerns narcissism is coping mechanism careers are either extremely great for the reason that became their escape or really took a backseat and are struggling depending on the flight or fight response interpersonal relationships bad takes a lot of therapy to break patterns and form meaningful relationships ever harder than it is for the rest having panic and anxiety attacks every time you get criticized for something at work I used to get yelled at for every little thing when I was a kid and now if I get yelled at are criticized I automatically burst into tears I can't help it the last time my boss seriously criticized me for something that I did wrong and I burst into tears he told me that he wasn't even scolding me he was just trying to teach me a lesson and asked why I was reacting so negatively I had a best friend who had been thoroughly conditioned to be submissive act Pleasant never caused conflict and please everyone around her at all times as a result when something is sent to her her brain receives it and automatically generates whatever the person wants to hear as a result I had been friends with her an embarrassingly long time before I finally connected all the dots and realized our closeness was manufactured because whatever I said she would reword and pare it back to me in agreement it's crazy how good she is at intuitively picking up on conversational or social cues to embellish an opinion to make it seem like Verone for example we'd have long in-depth talks about a movie or TV series we were both passionate about only for me to find out later that she'd never seen it if five people asked her to do something on the same day at the same time she will say yes to all of them and then run herself ragged trying to be in five places at once and cry when she ultimately fails she fought hard as one of the first people in her family to go to college yet was almost willing to fail and drop out the weekend before the final exams because her sisters called and told her not asked told that they decided she would spend a weekend cleaning their mom's house for Mother's Day the last weekend before finals and the last day to work on her senior project her parents live hours away I begged and pleaded with her not to give up her future but she saw no other alternative the only way I was able to it was to call her mother myself and explain the situation intrusive of me maybe but I knew how hard she'd worked to get there and didn't feel like I could let it slip away if a person standing to one side of her expresses a far-right political opinion and the person next to her and opposing far left one she'll find a way to agree with both of them she never has any money because she gives so much to her non-working family but if you suggest seeing a movie or eating out and ask her if she's okay to do so financially she'll assure you that she is even as her bank account spirals into the red and the overdrafts pile up if she's mad she won't let on if you hurt her feelings she'll never point it out if you ask for her honest opinion she'll never be anything but positive even when you know she feels otherwise after years and years of friendship I learned her subtle tells when something was wrong but she would never admit it or say what I loved her but this was what eventually drove us apart you can't build and maintain a strong friendship on sweet-smelling lies but that's what her upbringing conditioned her to believe that people want from her and no amount of gentle coaxing and pleas for honest communication could convince her otherwise she once admitted to me that she truly didn't know how to look inside herself and find out what her own opinions were her parents successfully built her personality to be a rose-colored mirror it's so so sad thanks for listening to radio DTS hit the subscribe button and activate the notification bell for more videos click the right box for the mental illness playlist let us know in the comments what you think about these signs [Music]

Channel: Radio TTS

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Keywords: reddit, reddit stories, best of reddit, askreddit, reddit story, ask reddit, reddit cringe, askreddit funny, reddit funny, r/askreddit, top posts, reddit best, r/, reddit top posts, askreddit top posts, reddit top post, radio tts toxic parents Toxic Childhood, toxic parents signs, Signs You Have Toxic Parent, Childhood trauma, Emotional Neglect, reddit toxic family, reddit toxic mother, reddit toxic parents, reddit toxic stories, reddit toxic mom

Id: uqdsKKIs2HI

Length: 16min 59sec (1019 seconds)

Published: Mon May 11 2020