The TRUTH about narcissistic change

the narcissists promise to change is sort of and typically is their last minute attempt at a reprieve it's sort of a relationship Hail Mary pass and it is all the more galling because it means that the narcissist knows that something needs to change here's the issue today so many of you say why can't they change so let me ask you this you can't change your personality that much how do you think they will so as an example let's say you're an extroverted and agreeable person that's your personality so could you switch it up and be more antagonistic introverted and narcissistic tomorrow or in a week or in a year that's what I thought probably not had a great q a recently with great questions for my healing Community you ought to come join us if you're interested in deeper dive and healing that link is in the video notes and we have these monthly q and A's but once again in that q a the age-old question of why don't they change come up or rather can they change narcissistic personalities are more rigid than ours because it's a little bit maladaptive you you got that but let's turn the question around because it can really help you in your sort of progression towards radical acceptance if you look at work by folks like Sandra Brown and her colleagues she suggests that a personality style that the personality style that is at greater risk of getting sucked into narcissistic or Psychopathic relationships is the agreeable Style and that makes sense agreeable personalities are modest empathic humble trusting they follow the rules they give of themselves to others have lots of equanimity they're easy to get along with they compromise it's as close to an empath personality style as we have in our personality models like the big five model and we know that narcissists Target empaths mostly because they know they can get away with a lot of stuff with them so to all of you out there who are agreeable let me ask you this how easily how easily would you be able to start becoming unempathic manipulative entitled arrogant attention seeking and hostile now I know that may sound odd especially on this channel because those aren't good things to many of us but we also know those qualities result in people being more likely to make more money or become leaders hmm right if you were to try to be that person so let's say you tried to be that antagonistic person roll into the grocery store tomorrow and start yelling at the clerk for not moving faster walk around and tell everyone how great you are or monopolize conversations or interrupt people or put hostile comments on people's social media feeds or take advantage of people or only take care or only care about superficial qualities or you Gaslight your friends how easy would that be for you to start doing that how would it feel let me try it this way maybe all of you aren't watching watchings aren't agreeable maybe some of you are introverted so let's try that introversion is a personality style can you change that some of you introverts out there thinking yeah I could step out of my comfort zone go to a few more parties or networking events talk to a few more strangers yeah I believe you yes you could and how would you feel afterwards I'm guessing tired depleted given a choice would you become a social butterfly and go out three or four nights a week probably not you could probably Rally from time to time so if you can't change your agreeable personality to an antagonistic or narcissistic one if you can't change your introverted personality to an extroverted one I really want you to stop and think about the reality or likelihood of the narcissistic person in your life making a change and becoming agreeable and empathic and self-reflective I know I can hear you all the way here some of you are thinking well Dr Romney don't be like that being Rebel is good it's healthy so agreeable people shouldn't have to want to change they wouldn't or shouldn't right okay but we also know the research shows us this agreeable people don't make as much money and folks like having enough money right I agree that from a psychological perspective agreeable is good for us I love me agreeable people right it is a pro-social trait it is associated with greater relationship Health it is good for our mental health it's good for our physical health it means you cultivate more social support but it also makes you a greater Target for a narcissistic person and in the long run being agreeable may also be risky because all of those sweet agreeable people out there you also tend to blame yourselves for what happens in a narcissistic relationship rather recognize that rather than recognizing that this one's on the narcissists so you may be thinking well is this all subjective or even a value judgment does narcissism have its good qualities as well I don't see it that way I don't see how being unkind dismissive manipulative or unempathic to other people is ever good for anyone but given the incivility in the world today I'm guessing that there's a lot of people out there who disagree with me the fact is narcissistic people are really efficient because they don't care about other people and they don't waste time on doing things or helping people or doing anything that doesn't forward their cause even if other people need their help they're really good at being negotiators because they can be bullies they're very manipulative that also helps when you're doing negotiating as well narcissistic people are willing to do what it takes to succeed even that if that means taking advantage of or manipulating other people and as you can imagine they succeed they make lots of money and they kind of Run the World lots of people would say well those seem like good things if you could do all that and Run the World in fact one could argue that the qualities that comprise narcissism are a veritable modern day guide to Business and Professional success so maybe narcissistic people have as little incentive to change as the agreeable people do in fact it is US unfortunate introverts who may be the most incentivized to change because kind of across the board in the research extroverts fare better but as it died in the wool introvert here I am good me cat TV taken I'm golden and if I never again go to another party I'm fine it's just easier for me and less exhausting but I know I can't get away with that in my life but I also know once a month is about all the heavy social interaction I can handle and maybe that's that when you can't understand why or wonder why can't the narcissist change maybe the easiest way to understand that is to ask the same of question of yourself can you change your personality or would you want to narcissistic personality is more rigid so change is much harder and it's hard enough for the rest of us I put it this way because lots of people out there assume they can and will change at least the introverts can show up to the party you know why they often show up because they have empathy and they know it would matter to their friends but the narcissistic people don't have the empathy as an incentive the money and the success though may be an incentive again for them to not change thinking about it this way is a major driver to Foster radical acceptance if you can see it this way it may be easier for you to radically accept not from a place of sad resignation oh I guess they're not going to change but oh I get it I can't stop being agreeable they can't stop being narcissistic I hope you all get this and to all of those agreeable introverts out there I do love you do not change a thing but really think on this right our personalities where there'd be hard for us to change them too the healthier the personality the more movement there is for change right the more the healthier we are we can say like okay I need to get out a little bit more my friends want to see me but that introvert will come home and say oh my am I exhausted right they'll push themselves out of empathy but that doesn't mean they're going to start going out multiple nights of the week the hardest part for people who are in narcissistically abusive relationships is them thinking why can't they change the part that is so mean to me and other people because it's part of their personality right and then you're thinking well that's the case then am I being mean by leaving well you can stay but you're going to continue being treated badly or you can have radical acceptance and say if I do stay I could understand that this is how it is but if you can see your personality and their personality in a similar way you're going to start seeing how unlikely it is for them to change because just as you're not going to go out to the into the street and start screaming some entitled Ram it they're not about to start being sort of super empathic and saying hey let's just talk about our feelings and be vulnerable and yeah I that's that's your experience I completely believe that that's not going to happen so it's painful to think that they won't make that change for you and the problem is for so many survivors they're thinking well maybe it's me and maybe I have the ability to change their personality could a narcissistic person make you less agreeable no so why would you be able to do that for them yes people like can I make this relationship work can they change it's not the right question right question is can they change enough waiting for narcissistic change is the most vexing issue not just in understanding narcissism but in understanding people can they change we can certainly change our behaviors and though it is more difficult we can even change our habits well many of us have changed some habits right but can we really change the essence of who we are can we change our personalities yeah ish the less rigid a person's personality style is the greater the likelihood of change so the more open a person is to other points of view the less defensive they are the more likely we are to see change so that really puts people with open and agreeable personality Styles at a market advantage the problem is that those sweet agreeable folks keep changing for the rigid folks and before long we are all shifting ourselves and all are all behaving in line with what the rigid folks want or need and who are the rigid folks yep the narcissistic and antagonistic folks they they're the ones who don't budge and that right there is the struggle but this takes us to the bigger question can they change or not like I said that may not be the right question about narcissism the black and white of it is what confuses it right so let's get back to this idea of whether they can change enough because that's the part that's relative a narcissistic person may make some changes it's unfair to suggest otherwise I've seen folks with these personalities make some changes they may actually go to therapy and stick it out they may actually start showing on time to your kids events they may actually hold their tongue at a time when they would traditionally criticize you they may stop cheating they may show up for dinner the question is is it enough was that change enough for the relationship to last only you know the answer to this in the last two weeks a Spate of therapists who are now running programs for narcissistic Works folks 10 week programs 14-week programs six-month programs some of which blame the other person in the relationship for example on a therapy site and on a Couple's Retreat program for folks in narcissistic relationships the website asks the non-narcissistic partner are you sure that your behavior isn't triggering them or are you taking ownership of your behavior that may be setting them off yeah no that doesn't work for me but that tells me that there's a real cottage industry in narcissism that's taking a real interesting turn personality change is a massive undertaking and no more than you can wean me off of cookies in 10 weeks could you change a person's personality in 10 weeks listen a decent therapist may be able to make some narcissistic folks a little more mindful but I am willing to bet the farm that at times the stress that narcissistic person will snap again and those Snaps are more likely to occur within a relational context but I have worked with lots of narcissistic clients over the years and I have seen some change a little more empathy a little more self-reflection a little more regulation however I also still witness them doing harm in their relationships still losing their cool still manipulating when they wanted what they wanted so the question can they change in a black and white legalistic hold my feet to the fire obviously would be yes is the change likely no the question is does that change last for a long time probably not unless they're getting some kick-ass long-term therapy and going regularly again that bigger question is whether that change is enough and more importantly is that change enough for you and that depends for some folks who are committed to keeping marriages together perhaps a partner stops cheating that's enough or a partner comes home on time and has dinner with the family without yelling that's enough in a family a family member may be on watch enough to stop making insulting comments or being passive aggressive in a workplace perhaps a warning or a possible lawsuit plus some therapy can generate a boss who now keeps it together and is a little more accountable maybe those things are enough walking away from marriages walking away from a family of origin walking away from a job isn't always easy sometimes a little change is enough for some people it's probably never going to be deep but it may be enough because sometimes it's not it's a catch-22 the people who take the stance that this change of the narcissistic person made isn't enough and you still invalidate me on your bad days you still Gaslight me you still rage at me you still have bound bad boundaries that might be enough for a person to say no more I want more than this I want more knowing that the blood blow up still occur or to know that this relationship is never going to go deep that's not enough for me I want the change to feel like I can be myself without being judged or dismissed in this relationship you showing up for dinner is not enough the people who stay in narcissistic relationships sometimes feel ashamed ashamed that they're settling they know it's never going to be a deep or healthy flourishing relationship but at least it's no longer a tragedy listen to me there's no shame in that your reasons are your own as long as you can get down with the radical acceptance and not live in denial that everything's all better and everything's great things may be a little more bearable a bit more workable but the toxic moments that come up and they will come up may be less frequent but still hurtful you have to hold space for yourself in which you acknowledge that life is a series of complex choices determined by multifaceted truths acceptance good denial not so good going really deep in relationships having a full repertoire of respect kindness compassion empathy mutuality of regard genuine interest in their partner that doesn't tend to happen that is not an aftermarket add-on that tends to work but we can teach people at least a little bit to use more empathic language find alternate behaviors at the time they want to rage it does happen another element of the not enough change May relate to what happened before the narcissistic person tried to change the damage that led to that moment where they realized they might need to change and it might be too absolute might be multiple betrayals words that cannot be unsaid parts of your life you gave up and can't get back now that just because they made some change it's not enough you might have given up on children or certain career goals you may have lost a childhood there may have been other forms of abuse and even if the narcissistic person commits to therapy and actually does shift a little it can't undo the hurt it can't unring the bell and it can't turn back time many narcissistic people become rageful at this which defeats the point they say I did the work I went to therapy it's not fair you won't come back it's also not fair they betrayed you and hurt you pissing contests about fairness rarely turn out well sometimes things just get broken into too many pieces I know that for narcissistic folks hearing that they can't change feels defeat us I understand that and listen I could get into good enough shape to climb Kilimanjaro if I put the work in every day for many years it's the same for a person with a narcissistic personality style they can put in the work for many years and they can do that work every day there are unicorns out there that have made massive change and not not only requires one hell of a great therapist who is smart and understands narcissism but also understands things like trauma and culture and that make sure that all of those issues are addressed but if you are a narcissistic person who is changing I understand that it can be frustrating to do the work make the shifts get better with anger communicate better and still your partner leaves or the family member goes no contact I get that it hurts I really do but as I said sometimes the hurt for the other person that came up to that point was too much take solace in the idea that if you indeed do make this change your future is definitely going to get better and be better and our most powerful life lessons are sadly often those that are informed by regret for people who believe they have narcissistic personalities it doesn't feel good to hear that your change wasn't good enough and yet that sense of good enough is what people who have experienced narcissistic abuse have gone through for years you aren't enough what you do isn't enough to earn my validation cherishing respect or love and it never feels good to hear that what we did wasn't enough we want to make this question about change so simple can a person with a narcissistic personality change perhaps with effort grit perseverance heart and compassion and above all empathy yeah you can is it enough change um that's a call that only the other person in the relationship can make and when it comes to that there is no right answer only you know how much change is enough for you how many of you have had a narcissist in your life who promised to change you finally hit the wall and you're like I am done and they said no no I'll change how many just let me know just say yeah that happened to me because it's probably happened to most of us right you hit that breaking point so what happens what do you do with that when the narcissist promises to change and remember please join us and subscribe to this channel because again you'll see from the comments that this community is amazing you learn a lot just as much from them as you learn from me so let's talk about this what do you do what happens when the narcissist promises to change in some ways this is a riff on the future faking stuff on the future faking video now for those of you who haven't seen that please remember that future faking is when the narcissist keeps you on the hook by promising something down the line one you know one day when we get married one day when we travel the world one day when I retire one day when we have a baby I mean it's that kind of thing one day one day but this idea that I'm gonna change this is diabolical future faking because this isn't just about some future event this is about the only thing you have ever wanted in a relationship with a narcissist the only thing you've ever wanted what is that that they would change that they'd finally get it and they would change listen if you have even gotten to a level in your relationship where this is the conversation about the need for change then you may be doing better than most because most narcissists have zero Insight they see no need to change and if anything they may Gaslight and rage at you in a way that leaves you feeling as though you're the one who needs to change so the narcissists promise to change is sort of and typically is their last minute attempt at a reprieve it's sort of a relationship Hail Mary pass and it is all the more galling because it means that the narcissist knows that something needs to change but what are the odds that they will do it uh pretty close to zero now much like future faking promising that they will change is obviously the ultimate future fake if you stick around I will become the person you want me to be in a narcissistic relationship it's usually pretty clear what needs to change for example it may be that they need to stop cheating or they need to stop sending Shady inappropriate texts to other people or they need to stop leering over other women or men on social media or they need to stop ignoring you when you speak or they need to stop insulting your friends and your family or they need to start communicating about being late or showing up or they just need to generally stop being a jerk you may have tried to ask them to do any one of these things in a thousand different ways with the hope that they'll hear it and change you may have even gone through the futile pursuit of something like couples therapy with a narcissist and then one day you give up you really give up you give up you're done and the narcissist because they do actually have a lot of sensitivity to abandonment and they really have a distaste for losing and their commitment to manipulation and their need for control because they need to be the one in the driver's seat will make you the promise that you had been asking for for months or years that day you're mentally checked out is the day they say I will change now this may manifest in many different ways they may offer to go to therapy themselves they may go to offer to go to sex addiction treatment or recovery groups they may look at let you look at their phone every night and trust me my dears they have a new phone hidden somewhere else they may sit with you and scrub their Instagram and that's the same deal as the phone they have another Instagram they will start doing the things you've always wanted they'll show up on time they'll stop working late so often they'll stare into your eyes while you talk and for a short while they may even have appeared to turn a corner to really be committed to getting it right and those poor folks who are narcissistic May literally wear themselves to the point of exhaustion to get it right and then just as you exhale and put away your ideas of splitting up with them or moving out or going no contact they'll slowly slide back to their old patterns now some of you may be wondering Dr Romney in all your years of doing this stuff have you ever seen a narcissist make the full 180 in a relationship become a truly changed person in a relationship interestingly or maybe not so interestingly the answer to that is no I have never seen the 180. I've sometimes seen about a 60 degree change they may keep committing some of their sins but they might start getting a few other things a little bit more right but it is as though once bad habits get set in a narcissistic relationship they really aren't amenable to change I have seen some situations in which individual narcissistic clients have made some pretty significant shifts but they could not resuscitate the relationship in that way the hurts are just so deep and this doesn't just happen in romantic relationships this whole promise of I will change for you that's typically narcissists will give you that promise when they recognize that they're about to lose someone or lose more than someone or they're about to lose control of the situation that's a common promise because you can also see this in a family it may be more rare in a family because the patterns are so set in stone in families because they are so ancient you may also see this in the workplace the toxic boss or the toxic colleague who just constantly encroaches on people's rights you know and to save Faith or to save stock options or to salvage a public face they may make tearful Promises of being a changed man or a changed woman or to commit every day to being better and then they might go off to a treatment center for a little while or claim to be devoting time to their family at which time they're probably strategizing or rebranding campaign and then they're probably likely to make all those mistakes all over again with a new group of unwitting victims it's a cautionary tale that plays out every single day so what do you do with this promise to get better that they give you first of all you do need to take some responsibility for falling for it after years of being played why would This Promise be any different they haven't kept any of their other promises there is something it intoxicating about finally putting your foot down and saying I'm not going to put up with this anymore and you really feel strong in that statement and then you finally hear the magic words that they're going to change for you and you're feeling your power that was the fantasy all along wasn't it but don't get so Bland blinded by the fantasy that you fall for it if you matter enough even if you did move out or step away or set a big boundary then they would commit to the work of being better not for you but because it's the right thing to do making this kind of change this idea that they're going to change to win you back over shifts it to the realm of manipulation rather than a meaningful commitment to real change promising you they will change is their final attempt at winning to being able to maintain the status quo that gives them power and of flexing their muscle of control if they haven't committed to changing yet despite the million subtle ways you've asked for it why would your ultimatum or you're laying down the gauntlet all of a sudden be a catalyst for this big change frankly even if we were to take a step out of the Playbook of addiction and 12-step that idea of hitting a rock bottom that may spearhead sobriety That Rock Bottom is a very personal process for an addict and doesn't happen because other people demand sobriety is because the addict finally faces it down so if this kind of promise to change is thrown at you don't let your fantasies run away with you don't let that child like hope run away with you keep your eyes wide open if they want to change support their goal and then step away and tell them that this may be a journey that they need to make by themselves then let them figure out this change out on their time don't let them figure it out on yours they can do the hard work of therapy of daily mindfulness of reflecting of their impact on other people let them do that that's a journey that they need to get through on their own and not with enablers letting them off the hook and that includes you after the so-called change is over then meet with this so-called new improved version of them and assess it yourself if they actually saw the change through not knowing if you were going to come back or not not knowing if you were going to be there or not then honestly that is something worth noting and it is then it's on you to tentatively and very carefully re-enter a relational space with them if you choose but please don't succumb to a false promise that will only just keep this damaging cycle in place in perpetuity and I want to say that again if they make the promise to change you don't have to reject them harshly and say I don't believe you you're a monster you're never going to change the right step then is to say if you're really committed to becoming better to becoming empathic to being compassionate to being kind if you're really committed to that then please go do that set me free for a while you go do that and after you've gone on that Journey come back and talk to me and if I'm here we can talk I have almost never ever seen a narcissist agree to that they want to keep you where they need you to get their supply and then play at making this change again this is your life and your choices to make but if you stick around and give them permission to make their change on your time that's a change that ain't happening so again we'd love to hear from all the views narcissists promise to change for them and hear how it all turned out because if there were any success stories those are good for us to hear as well many people watch this Channel and say yikes I think I might be the narcissist to which I say number one I applaud you for willing to be self-reflective on whatever any of you are as I say is an incredibly stubborn person me owning my stubbornness is one of the things that helps me be able to get out of my own way so I think sometimes identifying patterns is important today's video is going to be the 10 things to do if you believe you are a narcissist now this topic is sort of based on different things that I want to you know have people sort of think about when they say I think I might be a narcissist because I know I know that I often say that I believe that this is a pattern that doesn't change and so the fact of the matter is is that I think that this is a pattern that is difficult to change impossible to change if a person doesn't think it needs to be changed but for those of you who say Melinda own it this might be me to even to people out there who are in north in in relationships with narcissists but don't think they're narcissistic themselves I highly advise you take a look at this video and I'll tell you why if you listen to this and say there is no way in heck that my partner is even going to do one of these things that's a wake-up call for you because that's not a good sign and for those of you who are in these narcissistic relationships and say you know I think I might be able to get them on board with some of this there may be a bit of a future maybe not be fully healthy but there may be a future you can build through therapy those of you who think you're narcissistic take a look at this and I want you to be honest with yourself this is what you need to do these are the things you need to do if this is going to be a healthy relationship so before we start this journey I'm going to ask you please subscribe to this Channel and you keep getting you know again not only the opportunity to weigh in on what you want to see but more guidance on how to manage narcissism hit that Bell for notifications so let's take it on what are the 10 things to do if you believe you yourself are the narcissist as I said I've received so many requests for videos addressing the fundamental question what do I do if I think I'm narcissistic listen I I'm not a fan of anyone self-diagnosing or self-labeling and narcissism again isn't a diagnosis I am a fan though of people taking accountability for their behavior especially when it impacts other people badly and looking at their patterns and yeah it may be like I said I'm stubborn that all falls under a pattern you might say I'm doing some of these things I want to be aware of it I actually think there's something incredibly Courageous about admitting that you may have a difficult personality pattern such as narcissism or that you're antagonistic or any of those things but that is only courageous if you are committed to actually addressing it now I know some of you watching this channel are rolling your eyes at this video and thinking doc why are you even making this video you said they really don't change yeah on a population level and on a probability level that is true but I do work with clients who are narcissistic and I'm heartened to see from the comments I receive that people are watching these videos they're in relationships there aren't working families that aren't working and they are willing to be vulnerable enough to potentially acknowledge it and solid enough to say okay I don't want to be this person anymore I see it I'm starting to see the body count I need to address this I'm going to tell you now if you think you're narcissistic this isn't easy if you're going to change this it means being self-aware all of the time catching yourself and not follow falling into your usual patterns of responding if you tend to lash out when you're stressed or disappointed then you need to catch yourself and come up with alternative responses so let's take it from the top what's the number one thing you need to do do you need to be mindful this is the money shot and if you can do this it will be very healing for you and for everyone else this requires slowing down and paying attention to how you listen how you speak how you respond what you say and how your words and actions affect other people in real time this is not about saying the wrong thing now and then apologizing later it's about being present more often than not and considering other people's feelings when you speak or act it means pausing before hitting send on the text or the email it means breathing deep before saying invalidating words it means believing another person's reality and never doubting it You can disagree with other people and you can do it respectfully but you don't ever get to take their reality away if this is not how you have run your life to date it's a major shift you may find your bandwidth truly depleted at the end of the day because you are now if you're doing this you are now actually flexing a mental muscle you don't usually use it means shelving your contempt for other people or their opinions mindfulness means being present and aware in the moment and not just thinking about what happened weeks months or years before or wondering if I do this mindful thing is it going to get me what I want down the road it means being present now and that is the only way to learn the kind of self-awareness and self-monitoring that is essential for pushing past and addressing your past narcissistic patterns number two you need to take the word but out of your vocabulary and this cuts to the Core of defensiveness people who have narcissistic personalities tend to be very defensive you also tend to be very argumentative and that is a classical part of this pattern so let's start with an easy good place a good place is to eliminate that word but because it is often the Prelude to defensiveness I know I said that but um go back to the mindfulness piece listen to people do not shut them down if you don't agree with them you can do so respectfully without saying but and when you are called out for something that may have been uncomfortable for someone else don't defend yourself don't deny their reality don't say things like I never said that or I didn't mean that listen to them commit to learning from the interaction and stop defending yourself all the time it leaves the other person to feel invalidated number three and this is one of the more important ones you got to get therapy you got to get therapy not only do you address the narcissism but also co-occurring mental health issues and family issues narcissism is a pattern that often co-occurs with other clinical issues these can include depression anxiety substance use anger management issues attention deficit disorder post-traumatic stress and issues related to impulsivity as well as other major mental illnesses like bipolar disorder therapy is an essential tool to address other clinical patterns you may be experiencing and then getting appropriate intervention now in addition we know that the pattern of narcissism has deep developmental roots and these can at times include trauma and neglect or simply inconsistent parenting and a lot of narcissistic folks because they're so defended say no no I had a great family maybe not it's important you also explore some of those issues so you can gain understanding of how long-standing patterns may be contributing to your current personality style and the associated behaviors therapy becomes an important space to learn coping tools and to be accountable we know that narcissism is often Associated for example with having difficulties with managing stress and disappointment therapy can be a place to learn different ways of managing those negative experiences like it never feels good to be disappointed but to learn to do it in a way that doesn't antagonize other people there are also Myriad multiple other issues that a narcissistic personality style can raise and these and can include relationship difficulties problems in the workplace as well as a whole host of other interpersonal problems basically you get into fights with everybody you know and therapy can be a place to learn how to manage these situations in a more healthy and reciprocal manner therapy may also help you with other life challenges including parenting and it becomes an important space to build up that muscle of empathy that you've not been practicing in other areas of your life number four focus on gratitude thank you maybe two of the most powerful words in the English language it's one word in many other languages but thank you especially if you say thank you authentically gratitude is good for us and there is good research showing the beneficial health effects of gratitude for your health and let's face it it's also good for other people gratitude forces you to see other people and recognize their contributions rather than take them for granted practice gratitude and specifically take the time to notice the contributions of other people set your entitlement aside and express real gratitude without expecting anything in return and extend that to Simply Having gratitude for the things that are around you not just people but the life around you number five you gotta focus on meaning and purpose Victor Frankl writes in some ways suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds meaning such as the meaning of a sacrifice the challenge with a narcissistic personality style is that people who are narcissistic are often propelled by very superficial goals money admiration winning and not around meaning and purpose the deeper sense of connection that meaning and purpose give to you connect you to something larger than you forces you to Grapple with questions like what are you about what do you stand for this is important work inner work and it represents sort of a pinnacle and mental Wellness of Wellness if you can get there you need to start shifting away from what's important stop focusing on the car you drive the number of followers you have and shift to what is Meaningful activities that feel purposeful and connect you to the larger world number six learn to make amends in an authentic manner if you have a narcissistic personality style you have likely hurt far more people than you even know insults lack of empathy contempt invalidation gaslighting deliberate cruelty these things hurt people making amends is critical to addressing family ruptures workplace issues and in your existing relationships it's it's a place to work on reconciliation with everyone it's not easy and not everyone is going to accept your attempt at reconciliation and they don't have to but if you're really going to address this pattern in yourself it's important that you at least make a good faith attempt to address these wounds number seven create new responses as noted earlier narcissistic personalities like are not good under conditions of stress under disappointment now the tendency is that folks who are narcissistic they take when they're uncomfortable like when they're disappointed they take it out on other people rather than finding healthier ways to cope for themselves and for others these new ways of addressing stress can include taking a break stepping away before you say something hurtful counting to ten Learning To Breathe not personalizing everything and finding appropriate outlet outlets like exercise or meditation number eight you gotta take responsibility for your stuff this is a critical issue narcissism by definition is a style characterized by projection denial and even deceit to cover Your Tracks if you do something or say something just own it take responsibility for example good leaders take responsibility good friends good family members good partners good co-workers good managers take responsibility yeah it's uncomfortable to take responsibility but it also sets you free from existing cycles of Shame The World Won't Stop spinning if you cop to doing or saying something bad or abusive but if you take real accountability real responsibility and then issue real apology apologies then true accountability and Reconciliation can happen this isn't just about saying sorry as a throwaway comment just to keep the trains running this is about taking ownership of your participation in inter interactions that may hurt people make it right number nine engaging in self-compassion instead of self-promotion according to Dr Kristen Neff the three pillars of self-compassion are self-kindness common humanity and mindfulness self-compassion isn't about propping yourself up or bragging or saying I'm really great really look look how great I am it's actually about being kind to yourself and that isn't always easy believe it or not for people with narcissistic personality Styles they're good at bragging but they're not good at self-kindness because they are often not kind to other people being kind to yourself means being empathic to your own hurts and wounds and by extension like I said that should help you be kind to other people now common humanity is also not easy for people with narcissistic personalities because they often do not look outside of themselves to recognize that we are all connected to each other and the contempt that narcissistic personalities can have for other people can limit that ability to see this all as part of one whole Humanity for narcissistic people you need to stop seeing people as adversaries but simply as people who just all of us deal with the same stuff as you and finally this is where we kind of end where we began good old mindfulness staying in the moment and not always wondering what is happening next or what already happened just stay present get away from that Old vindictive pattern of having to always write the old wrongs number 10 take all those patterns of narcissism and turn them around we know narcissism is about validation seeking so turn that around and instead of expecting it for yourself offer it to others narcissism is about lack of empathy instead of lacking it try showing some narcissisms about entitlement let someone behind you in line go ahead if they have less stuff and wait your turn graciously narcissism is about arrogance so let other people be in charge and take note of how well they may do it parts of it that you don't know how to do narcissism is about rage and impulsivity stop and think before you speak and turn down the volume on some of that anger once you suspect that you have a narcissistic personality style and you turn around and you commit to these 10 steps every day I can all but guarantee your relationship with the world will change and as you can see breaking patterns is not easy this is not going to be easy these are different patterns because they're so automatic they're hard to break and Hard Cycles to change it can be done but it's hard work and consistency is everything you don't embark on a journey like this to convince other people you've changed and then let go of the daily work this isn't about future faking this is about daily hourly awareness and committing yourself to a new way of viewing the world and viewing yourself but wait wait I've come up with the number 11. so consider this a little bonus an Easter egg in the video think about reacting versus responding for narcissistic individuals their tendency is to react they tend to respond right from the hip it's very different than responding responding is slow and it's Mindful and it's thoughtful reacting is Thoughtless and careless responding involves taking a moment crafting an empathic response accounting for the other person taking a moment and before you say something really having that pause and thinking before I say this how will this affect this situation how will it affect this other person narcissism is a reactive Style reacting can become responding just by being mindful when you react you do things like say I never said that I never did that the reacting is where the gaslighting and the defensiveness can vary very easily happen if you can change the pattern and say I'm not going to react I'm going to give this a minute and then I'm going to respond because narcissistic patterns are so impulsive it's much more likely someone's going to react instead of respond it's really about catching that just learning to flex that muscle not going it's almost like physical therapy right you have to learn to move slowly and carefully same thing here you've got to catch yourself not give that reactive response you can do these 11 things you're going to turn things around for yourself and when you really think about any of these patterns let's use the reacting and responding a great analogy would actually be around losing weight if you've ever tried to lose a lot of weight all of us could pretty much probably do it unless we have underlying health conditions most of us could lose weight and you know how we do it by taking making daily changes every day changing what we eat paying attention to what we eat saying no to the stuff that's not good to us good for us saying yes to the stuff that is every day all the time and are we going to get it right every day now there's going to be a birthday party there's going to be a big night out and we might have a lapse but then we'll say ah next day I'm going to get back into it it's the same thing every day you have to think about what comes out of your mouth every day you have to think about your impact on other people every day you need to be self-reflective if you have a narcissistic style and want to change this you have to do that deep dive you have to pay attention and if you get it wrong one day you eat the psychological equivalent of a bag of chips you stop you catch yourself you take responsibility you make amends and you don't do it again those of you watching this video who may not be having narcissistic patterns yourself but you're watching this to see can a family member be helped can my partner be helped reflect on it do you think this person can do this I'm going to give you a piece of guidance don't just go show this video to someone unless they're already willing to make the admission but if you have someone in your life who's saying yeah I can see that these patterns are true of me share this with them because this is really an 11 point plan for what they need to do and if they can do this every day you might actually have a fighting chance I know a lot of you are sitting there saying come on Dr Romney you've always said this doesn't change I mean it doesn't change because people aren't willing to own that this is their pattern and then do these kinds these 11 things all the time a person really was willing to commit to this hard work I actually think there's some real possibility there it's very very hard so I know a lot of people aren't up to it and some people just say I can't do this I can't be bothered this isn't my authentic self my authentic self is loud and grumpy and mean okay that's I I can get down with that but then if you're in a relationship with that person it's up to you whether you want to sign off on that so this is also for those of you who do have narcissistic personality Styles this is what you need to this is what you need to do and there's no other path forward if you stay on the path you are on and you're not hearing with an open ear you are being defensive you are being reactive you're not being mindful it's not good for the people around you but one thing I can all but guarantee is that if you really were to follow these 11 steps every day for weeks months and years that not only will your will your mental health significantly improve but so too will your physical health your quality of life and your relationships in all Realms of your life those of you who say ah I'm not doing this authentically I'm a loud person I'm used to getting my way that's cool I don't want to get in the way of your authenticity but if that's your authentic Style you really can't expect people to get down with that so understand just like we say always it's a rule of physics for every action there's an equal and opposite reaction you're going to treat people badly I'm trying to teach them to walk away from that but if you really want to put the work into getting this right there really could be a very wonderful rich and connected life ahead of you I would say that if you could try to commit to this and see how it works with you and do it in line with therapy there's a very bright future that could be ahead of you thanks again for tuning in I hope this was helpful if you are enjoying this content as always please subscribe to this channel hit that Bell and you'll get notifications and thanks again bye

Channel: DoctorRamani

Views: 98,912

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Id: qWXElRNH5C8

Length: 57min 37sec (3457 seconds)

Published: Sun Dec 18 2022