The Anatomy of a Narcissist

people wandering onto airplanes where they've just paid the regular fare and saying I should be in a first-class seat or I should have a better seat than anybody else or people who are in hotels saying I should get a suite even though they've paid sort of the regular rate so they really do walk into places believing the rules shouldn't apply to them this is honestly what I would consider to be the defining characteristic of narcissism that means understanding what exactly is empathy empathy is the attempt or desire to understand the experience typically the emotional experience of another person and often then that is accompanied with a behavior to address that or to meet that empathic recognition so for example that might be offering a soothing word doing something to support someone or just helping them out but at the core of it it is attempting to understand the experience of another person that means that you have an inherent interest in or curiosity about the other people around you and most importantly it means that you care it doesn't necessarily mean however that you've had the same experience as them the best example I can give of that is let's say you don't have a child but someone near you does and that child is going through something difficult so that your friend their parent is having a hard time you don't have to have a child to understand that somebody who has a kid that's going through a tough time may need your support or soothing words or just a hug so it doesn't necessarily have to be your experience empathy is that that drive to even try to understand experiences that aren't your own so now let's take this this trait this quality lack of empathy and sort of think about how it manifests in narcissistic personality styles where I often see this play out is that a person who's with a narcissist so let's say a person is in a relationship with somebody narcissistic and they listen day in and day out to their narcissistic partner complaining about their job complaining about the people at work complaining about how they're not appreciated and they're under regarded and no one knows how great they are at work and woe is me and all of that and then one day you actually share about a tough day you're having and they barely look up from their phone they're like huh what what what what do you want me to do about this I can't change this I can't do anything about this and you're like what like I've been listening to your stuff for five years and one day I'm asking you to listen to one important thing and you can't even come up with faking interest that's what lack of empathy can look like it can go much deeper than that you could be going through a tough time and they won't even stop to recognize that maybe you just need a little more help around the house or you just need a shoulder to cry on or you just need someone to get it and look you in the eye and try to understand how you're suffering that absence of empathy is one of the most destabilizing characteristics of being with a narcissist now imagine you're the adult child or it's a child the the young child of a narcissistic parent their lack of empathy May mean that when you're suffering or struggling they don't even stop to take notice or they only do so when it's convenient for them that can be devastating not only for a child but also an adult child of a parent who feels like their parent doesn't care not right there is the core of the empathic deficit we see in narcissism they really don't care sometimes people will say it's interesting you say this I'm with a narcissistic person and sometimes it feels like they care sometimes they do because what narcissists do in a way they sort of weaponize empathy they use it only for their only for their gain so let's say they need something from you then they actually may pay razor laser sharp attention to what you're about how you're feeling and what you're up to so they can really say oh my gosh sounds like you're going through such a tough time and it's all a manipulation it's all a sense of sort of putting this empathy on you or giving you the sense of being empathically regarded so that then you may actually give them money that they're out that they hope for or give them time or whatever it is else it is that they need from you so they may use empathy more as a tool rather than it being an authentic expression or authentic desire to connect with you and as many of you know when we're talking about narcissism in the early phase of a relationship we're talking about love bombing somebody who comes and lavishes you with attention and gifts and all of it in those early phases it can often feel like you're with the most empathic person in the world they come to work they pick you up they offer to help you sort of get new things for your home they offer to help you with other things you need to do like wow this person totally gets me remember they can turn the empathy on and off it's not like they're incapable of it they've got it in there but by and large they can't be bothered to use it is remember they don't care over time living with a narcissist because of their lack of empathy it could feel like you live in a house that has Mirrors in it but you never see your own reflection in them like I said it's confusing it's destabilizing you often don't know where to turn to get your feelings met because you think you should be able to get that from the significant people in your life but if they lack empathy good luck with that people wonder is there anything I can do about this can I create more empathy in this person probably not empathy tends to be something that comes naturally the sort of booby prize in all of this is something we call cognitive empathy it's kind of empathy light it's this idea that I get why you feel that way like for example let's say your partner cheats on you and you say my God you've devastated me my heart's broken you've betrayed me and your partner sort of looks at me and says yeah I get why you feel that way not so useful doesn't make you feel good so it's sort of like this sort of intellectual exercise and empathy but it's not the real thing real empathy is accompanied by real emotion it could be tears it could be touch it just could be gentle murmurs of reassurance so they can produce it they can use it as a tool sometimes they can even use it as a weapon but one thing they can't really do is have it as the real deal lack of empathy is probably one of the most soul-staffing qualities in narcissism if it's happening to you you probably know it is it amenable to change so let's talk about egocentricity egocentricity selfishness self-centeredness egotism these are all words that are naturally applied to narcissism the narcissistic personality is sometimes viewed as a disorder of self and incapacity to see outside of the self now I have no doubt that if you suspect that you are narcissistic that at least one person but probably a lot of people has called you selfish or self-centered or you may have the Insight if you're watching this video you probably do you have the insight to believe it about yourself well you may have even found ways to sort of brand your selfishness right I know what I want I do me don't hate me because I put myself first here's the bottom line egocentricity is actually ultimately not good for you we human beings are a social and interdependent species a very fancy way of saying we need each other and if we need each other then that means we need to engage in what are called pro-social and socially reciprocal behaviors basically give and take in order to maintain all kinds of relationships now all of us are selfish at times we may sometimes take care of our own needs first we may make a decision that works well for us but even a person making a selfish decision can combine that with empathy we could be aware that yeah our decisions good for us but it may be a little bit uncomfortable for somebody else and we can have the uncomfortable conversations and communicate about that account for that make future compromises make arrangements so that it doesn't harm other people in a disproportionate way or more than it already is so I suppose we can find a path forward to being empathically selfish um that's not the game in people who are narcissistic so you might be wondering why is a selfishness and egocentricity so Central to narcissism it's actually the one thing that most people do get right they know that that's what it's narcissism is about well a simplification of the theories is that for developmental reasons narcissistic folks had to learn very early to rely on the outside world to know how they are feeling that's why narcissistic people need the feedback from the world for validation to set goals and even to maintain their identities and that's why this personality style is so superficial as well but that lack of sort of separateness from the world that need somebody needs to be validated from the world just to know they exist that means that narcissistic people have trouble sort of understanding where they end and other people begin and they almost believe that other people sort of live in service to their narcissistic needs and wants trust me when I tell you that's not pleasant for other people who feel like they're basically an object in the narcissistic person's world now small children are selfish they are wired to focus on themselves and then they realize that others matter and they grow empathy and awareness and then they grow out of it narcissistic personalities sort of remain selfish Toddlers and they struggle to understand just as a toddler would why everything isn't about them now the world is increasingly a more and more selfish place technology makes us more selfish being able to quickly order stuff with two little clicks makes us more selfish social media has made us much more egocentric always the look at me no no look at me no look at me measuring people by things like material stuff and wealth all of that makes us more selfish the world is stacking the deck in a way that favors selfishness now the poor Insight we see in people who are narcissistic means that some narcissistic folks are actually surprised when they are called out as selfish many narcissistic people actually walk around the world thinking that they're great friends and great people and they think the problem is you if you're the one who thinks that they are selfish in fact are very quick narcissistic people are very quick to call other people out as selfish so you may be wondering if you suspect you're narcissistic and selfish why don't other people like your egocentricity because it doesn't feel good to them we all understand that sometimes people will do their thing first but not all of the time the egocentricity of narcissism can come out in so many ways only talking about yourself or only thinking about your needs at a given moment or choosing something that only suits your schedule or ability or needs or doing what feels good for you it's buying a two-door sports car when the family needs a minivan I mean that two-door sports car may feel and look good for you but it's really not going to work with the real needs of a car seat and groceries it's choosing a house in a place that works for the narcissistic person but may require children to leave the school that is good for them or it may be something as simple as choosing a steak restaurant when you're organizing a dinner and over half the people you're having dinner with are vegetarian egocentricity can play out with money with an egocentric partner or parent or boss spending money in a way that does not benefit those around them but only benefits them people with egocentric parents find that as children their entire childhoods were organized around the parents preferences wants hobbies and needs people with egocentric Partners find that their lives are organized around only their partner's interests schedule and preferences people with egocentric friends find themselves only doing what works for the friend only listening to the Friends problems or only doing what the friend enjoys none of this feels good so if you suspect that you're narcissistic and want to work on that what can you do about this egocentricity that's such a part of narcissism number one let's go back to good old damned mindfulness again when you're making a choice or saying something or deciding something account for the needs of others who are in that situation that will be affected by your choice ask them build other people into your decision making that's not going to be easy to do so as a step one just think about bringing other people into your decision it's almost like a thought experiment initially then it may even be difficult but just do it even if you go on to make the selfish decision at least trying to shift the thinking a little can be useful number two do some self-reflection ask yourself this question are you selfish how does that selfishness manifest reflect on whether it impacts on how you organize your space your time your money if you take the time and really do that deep dive and notice your selfishness then start thinking about how you can account for it and make allowances for other people so your egocentricity isn't overtaking everyone's life number three until you get this addressed stop bringing people into your life I know that sounds harsh but people are not objects or items for your convenience they are people if egocentricity and selfishness are what you are about then until you get this sorted out a relationship isn't a good idea if you are already in a relationship then you need to do the work now but if you aren't then don't start a new one until you figure this out and figure out how to account for other people number four don't flake if you make a commitment honor it flakiness is a major egocentricity and narcissism quality that idea of when you consistently can't be bothered or you pull out or you don't show honoring commitments even when it doesn't feel convenient to you or fun to you honoring them as much as possible is another way to be more present and aware with the needs of others number five reflect on what you grew up with and observed and reflect on how that may have modeled selfishness and egocentricity for you did you see these things in a parent or another significant adult seeing these things can often normalize egocentricity so understanding your history can help you in addressing it number six learn to communicate all of us are selfish at times but empathic selfishness can mean that you don't always do what you want but that there are times you may be having to put your stuff first but at a minimum at least you check in with others find out how they're feeling about it find out what could help them at this time and how can getting needs met in the relationships you're in how can you ensure that that remains balanced into the future unfortunately with folks with narcissistic personalities they're going to be selfish about every choice and then future fake you with well I know I chose I'll make it up to you then they don't make it up to you and then they get mad at you for bringing up the past when you say they didn't make it up to you no that's not how it works you got to make those empathic allowances from the jump number seven consider volunteering or doing something outside of you not for communal narcissistic look at me posted on social media reasons but to be of service to other people with your time or your skills even if that is within groups of people you even know like it doesn't have to be you go out and volunteer with another organization could be just help out the people you know just don't post about it these small unheralded choices are a way to live into a less self-serving way of being number eight therapy always therapy this shift in addressing your narcissistic personality if you are indeed truly committed to this has to be addressed with one hell of a skilled therapist and with whom you are willing to be vulnerable and honest egocentricity and sort of self-servingness they're just not pleasant for other people if you can find ways to be aware of this and push back on this pattern the Dividends are actually quite strong not only for you but more importantly for the people around you as always I anyone who's saying listen watching these videos or people are telling me about them and I suspect that I might be narcissistic that's a very big first step that's not an easy admission to make if you really think these are your patterns I'm hoping this series is helping you understand the patterns underlying narcissism really thinking about whether they apply to you and then seeing if you can start making these small steps small moves to try to push back on the narcissistic patterns in you to not only help yourself but also go a long way to helping and supporting the people around you hey hey everyone you know what Nobody Does it Better Than Me like yeah I made my sales quota by the second day of the month please by the halfway like no one else in any territory and by the end of the month it's like dude why aren't you the CEO yeah I'm gonna scroll myself into Tesla next month you know but before you know it it's gonna be a Lambo in the drive but you know this person I mean by the time they finished talking you're like please wait or drink it's it can be atrocious to listen to but not all grandiosity is that sort of circus-like kind of performance art grandiosity with a person's raging on and on about how great they are they're gonna be quieter levels of grandiosity but by and large the takeaway is look how great I am sometimes grandiosity can actually sound a bit disturbing like you know hey everyone I am going to quit my job and I am going to start a such and such company whatever I'm going to start a new pineapple juice company I know nothing about pineapple juice but I know a lot about a lot and I love drinking pineapple juice so why wouldn't I be able to start a pineapple juice company okay so grandiosity is this idea that a person is somehow Larger than Life and can make ridiculously large goals come true they often brag about their achievements way out of proportion with what's reality an interesting thing about grandiosity is most narcissists have some form of grandiosity they will talk about goals they have set for themselves but they haven't actually achieved but because the goal is so grandiose like yeah well I'm a freshman in college but I'm already preparing to get my MD my PhD and my JD and meanwhile I mean if you spot them the tea and the E they probably can't spell the so they're but they're already talking about this goal as though they're participating in it so they'll talk about the professional sports contract they're going to get or the massive promotion they're going to get or the fact that they have no doubt they'll get a record deal and so they talk about the future goal the future vacation the house they're going to have the car they're going to drive as though it's already happening on the front end listening to a narcissist to be grandiose is a bit like listening to a drunk in a bar it's entertaining for the first five minutes but then it can get very trying but obviously if this is your partner or family member or co-worker it gets exhausting really quickly because what grandiosity does is it pulls away from real life like when you're trying to pay real bills and do real housework and do a real job and somebody's yammering on about these unreachable goals or wasting time or even wasting the family's money and doing this or just won't shut up about the things that are going on in their life and keep talking about them and it's really pumped up way it can get exhausting and it doesn't just require that this person be doing some something really grandiose and exciting like that they're a movie star or a business leader they could be doing a whole heck of a lot of nothing and be quite grandiose there's also an interesting kind of form of covert grandiosity we see in people particularly when we see covert narcissists we've talked about covert or vulnerable narcissists before on on my YouTube channel and it's this idea of these people who sort of more like a solid resentful narcissism their grandiosity also tends to be Sullen and resentful so instead of saying it's not like look how great I am in a cheerful way it's like Ugh the world never noticed how smart I was I guess I was just born 20 years too soon because had I been born later on or had I been born earlier Mike I've been running this place you know I guess the world just isn't ready for my kind of Genius I can I can deal with that and then they Retreat to the confines of their mother's basement after making that statement it's very much that sense that the world let them go by and their greatness and didn't notice it so this could also be the person who never quite got the recording deal or who never got the professional sports contract but they still reflect on their Glory Days as a high school athlete so again grandiosity is somebody who almost doesn't live in the real world and should I stay or should I go I actually talked about it as the idea that a six-year-old boy tying a towel around his neck and running around and saying hey superman is really sweet and it's developmentally appropriate a 36 year old man tying a towel around his neck and running around and saying hey superman is very sad and grandiosity is a defense that's a way a child that's always protects himself from the world and the idea that they're not actually super for man and they grow into the realization I'm not Superman and that's okay the narcissist never gets that grandiosity is a key of narcissism you see it whether it's the Sullen grandiosity of the covert narcissist the over the top um grandiosity of sort of the classical or the malignant narcissist it's very much a fixed feature of narcissism you rarely see this without it they're not bragging all the time but especially whether things are going well or things are going badly it'll always come back to this grandiose theme of look how great I am or the world doesn't recognize how great I am it's exhausting it's a bit tiresome and while it can be entertaining from time to time in a pretty short order whether it's your parents your partner or your friend you're going to find yourself rolling your eyes if you have a boss who's a who's grandiose and narcissistic it can actually be frustrating because that boss will be focusing too much on like let's be the top-ranked company and let's get a new headquarters and mean while you're thinking like oh my gosh this business is hemorrhaging money or we're not doing what we said we would do so you're looking at the the off of the business and your grandiose boss is very busy planning and wasting money on a parade so grandiosity takes a toll on all of us even when it's entertaining step away gently because it never ends well entitlement is the expectation that one is entitled to some sort of to some form of special treatment or special benefit just because they're them they feel like they shouldn't have to wait in lines they shouldn't have to pay the same amount they shouldn't be told no they shouldn't have to go through all the headaches the rest of us have to go through in regular life they believe the rules are for other people and that they do not need to follow them if they don't want to entitlement is one of those sort of key pillars if you will of narcissism it's one of its defining characteristics I don't think I've ever met or worked with a narcissist who's not entitled they expect that for example they could stroll late into a doctor's office half an hour late and that no they shouldn't have to wait and be seen right on time an example of being what it would be like to be with a narcissist who's being deeply entitled you walk into a restaurant on a crowded Saturday night there's lots of people Milling around waiting for tables The Narcissist sort of barrels over to the host station and says yep we're here we'd like a table eight o'clock and the person working that that station says yeah you know we it's probably going to be at least an hour hour and a half and this person The Narcissist who's very entitled will say yeah no I don't wait an hour and a half let's make this happen come on I know the guy who owns this place okay just go ahead and get me seated I don't even have time for this like seriously like find my table I'm not these people like I'm yeah you know please I know that I know the guy they always knew the guy I know the guy and so and they expect that all these other people who have been waiting an hour they don't value their time they don't care back to the lack of empathy um and that they're somehow so special they shouldn't have to wait think about other people these are people who will do for example they'll think like yeah my kids should be at the head of the line don't care about anyone else's kid this is the person who in a workplace will say yep don't care that everyone else gets for a load but I shouldn't have to do furlough they truly believe that they are above the rules above the laws above anything entitlement has sadly on a societal level become a sort of a new normal and that's sort of the world switches over to a much more narcissistic Focus the world also becomes entitled it's as though nobody feels that they should have to wait in line which can make lines very very troubling places I'm sure many of you have thought of times when you have been in a long line and people are yelling and screaming I can't believe I have to wait in this line and don't you know who I am why am I waiting in this line I'm really important my time is very valuable these are sort of the mantras of the narcissists they really scream and yell about their entitlement and why they should not be subjected to rules in the same way if you're in a relationship with a narcissist who's entitled it can actually be really embarrassing when you're out in public and they're doing things like going into the restaurant and saying why should I have to wait in line or believing that you know their child shouldn't have to wait the doctor's office or that they shouldn't have to wait in the doctor's office or that somehow everyone else had to pay a special change fee and they shouldn't have to I actually travel a lot so I get to see entitlement all the time when I travel people wandering onto airplanes where they've just paid the regular fare and saying I should be in a first-class seat or I should have a better seat than anybody else or people who are in hotels saying I should get a suite even though they've paid sort of the regular rate so they really do walk into places believing the rules shouldn't apply to them and sadly they often get rewarded for this entitled Behavior because they will often bully people to the point where they do give them the better hotel room they may move them to the better seat they may move them up in line and they may seat them in the restaurant I was recently working with a hairdresser who was telling me about working in a really high-end neighborhood where she had a lot of very entitled clients and she was talking about how there was one woman who would always come in and if she wasn't seen precisely on time she would make such a fuss but guess what happened this woman always got seen in time and a lot of the other people were made to wait longer so in that way we reward entitled narcissistic people and give them what they want honestly just to shut them up but because they don't have any empathy they don't recognize that that's why this is being done they're like oh well of course I got this because I am in fact more important entitlement is one of those qualities that not only hurts us as individuals in a relationship it hurts all of us because what it does is it makes systems just work less effectively so entitlement's one of those things that probably all of us face on a daily basis good luck with it for narcissists admiration and validation are the air that they breathe without it they cannot function they are lost and they honestly would feel like they were suffocating in many ways social media when it came along became the mothership of all narcissists because now for the first time they could just sit home from the comfort of their home post edited photographs and bizarre things that they want to say and just sit back and wait for followers and likes it changed the admiration seeking game and the validation seeking game to a whole new level it takes us back to our original premise narcissists are deeply insecure and because of that in some ways it's almost like they don't have a fully formed sense of self so they count on the World to provide that it's almost like they're like a sculpture that's not fully made so they need other people to keep putting the clay on it so it turns into something so they really do look to the world for that and in that way that's part of why narcissists are often so frustrated and so rageful because without it they almost feel edgy like a junkie waiting for a fix they need people to tell them you're great you're attractive you're smart I love you I can't get enough of you and on and on and on in the absence of validation in the absence of admiration they can often feel quite empty and Emptiness is never a good state for a person to be in fact that's often when people start getting into trouble that emptiness can often be filled with things like drugs and alcohol food spending um sex lots of things that aren't good for you and it's often why narcissists often seem to have really unregulated appetites feeling empty go out and buy a ten thousand dollar bag feeling like no one is validating you go out and do cocaine so the two things often tend to go together and can really be a setup for narcissists to get themselves into even more trouble including addiction so when we look at this sort of core conflict of the validation and admiration seeking let's let's think about what it does to anyone who's with them so let's just start with sort of an intimate relation when we're in an intimate relationship with someone certainly in the early months and maybe even the early year or two we do admire and validate them a lot of gods are so attractive I'm so lucky they'll often say slightly more intense things that should be red flags for you like this is the greatest love story ever and no one is ever going to love you like I do so it's all very big it's all very admiration taking both of you were telling the other one how wonderful the other one is you can only keep that up for so long at some point things like the dishwasher needing to be emptied and the laundry needed to be done and bills needing to be paid are going to supplant the need to say you're so great all the time and you're going to start thinking like well aren't we in a rhythm I think we've established we're great we're in a committed relationship but it's never enough for them and if you don't compliment them the way they want so think of it this way remember someone once saying she was sharing how she was having a particularly rough weekend kids A busy life and didn't quite have enough money and her partner had had some sort of achievement at work and she did not congratulate him the right way she's like oh that's great and then she's like could you hand me that stuff I need to finish making this out he's like and he threw the stuff on the ground what do you know how important this is I can't believe you didn't tell me how great I am like this is such a deal you were so ungrateful and he kind of went off on his chance of Rage but basically she validated him a little but not enough admiration and validation seeking is also why narcissists tend to be prone to having extramarital Affairs or cheating or being unfaithful your validation at some point is not going to be enough that takes us to a topic called narcissistic Supply for narcissists other people are almost like cargo ships bringing validation into the harbor and if you think your validation is going to be enough absolutely not in fact the validation they get from one person over time it tends to get stale so they keep having to get it from other sources some people will get it from co-workers and friends and family they constantly need people telling you you're so great you're so great you're so great but in an intimate partnership over time they may find that their Partners Supply as it were it's getting a little dull so they go and find someone new and obviously in the first few months of an affair they're buying them gifts they're doing this they're doing that then that new person their new lovers and you're so great you're so wonderful oh my gosh your wife your husband are so lucky to have you again they're seeking out validation and admiration not necessarily that they want to leave the marriage they just need some fresh narcissistic Supply and in that way it is why it is so exhausting to be with narcissists I often say that it's because of admiration and validation seeking that it's so easy to deal with a narcissist because if you can just sort of get your head around it kind of Psych yourself up and think okay I'm going to admire them for about five minutes to get what I need and get out of there I know that sounds manipulative but it may be the only way to deal with them especially for example in a workplace setting a narcissistic co-worker are the ones that will stop the staff meeting like hey everyone want to hear about what I did right and are very much willing to install their virtues and talk about how great they are to everyone who will stand still long enough and so what can happen is if you have a narcissistic boss it can often be really easy to keep them right where you need them compliment them oh my gosh I love your tie you inspire me so much you might even want to write them down ahead of time like pull them out of your desk drawer okay today I'm going to try the you inspire me love your tie and I'm always so happy to work with you and then mix them up and try another three validations the next day it's it's a way to kind of get them out of your way they need it so much it's like a crying baby once you feed them some admiration and validation you will have appease them long enough to move them out of your way so you can go do what you need to do but if this is a close relationship that's very different you don't want to think that your marriage or your long-term partnership is going to be really about you saying inane empty words to a person just to shut them up but then sadly that might be the only way if you're stuck in a relationship with a narcissist to keep that ship afloat if you had a narcissistic parent you may have found yourself remembering that gosh as a kid I often did have to tell Mom how attractive she was or how great her cooking was or tell Dad how great he was like you might even remember childhood dinners where a lot of the time was really praising dad and sort of giving great gratitude to Dad for everything he does but it was very one-sided it wasn't like everyone was sort of sharing their positive regard for everyone else that Dynamic can persist into adulthood and it can get really exhausting to be dragging all that narcissistic supply to the front door every time you go to visit your parents this can happen with friends this can happen with siblings but when you feel that all they need is admiration and validation it can be really really tiresome remember you can learn a lot of these red flags by watching a person on social media the people who really appear to be out there like put more and more edited images more and more outrageous images maybe even more and more risque or ridiculous or sort of um I don't know sort of Confrontation inducing images or words just to get people to engage with them or tell them you look so pretty you look so nice and it can get a little bit much after a while you're thinking like how many times does my 35 year old friend need to post a picture of herself in a bikini or on vacation I know a lot of people say no no no they're just influencers I don't know that they're influence it influencers I do think that they probably are just simply chronic validation Seekers and they're trying to turn it into a job title so it's very much an exhausting element of the Dynamics of narcissism to be with someone who's chronically admiration and validation seeking the best analogy I could really end up on is if you've ever been scuba diving or watched someone even in a movie or something like that scuba dive and you see they have a tank on their back and an air hose that goes to their mouth they're under the water it's their only source for a narcissist if there isn't admiration and validation it's like someone turns off that or Kinks that hose or turns off that Air Supply so they can't have any more if you were a scuba diver and your Air Supply got cut off you would panic and that's exactly how a narcissist feels when their validation stops and you'll see it when they're in the middle of a crowd and all the attention isn't on them it can be a little bit uncomfortable they may be willing to give up the stage for a little while but you can start seeing that discomfort sneak in and if you're in a relationship with a narcissist and it happens to be your big night don't be surprised if your narcissist halfway through the evening says Ah you know what I have a headache I'm not feeling like really well I might need to go home I'll catch up with you there and I'm sure many of you can reflect on times when it was your night and the narcissist in your life whether it was your partner a parent a friend or a sister kind of said I don't think I want to say any longer not feeling well you have a good time it was simply their inability to tolerate watching you get admiration and validation which is in fact the air that they breathe one of the harder dynamics of people to get their head around about narcissistic people is how much they really do view other ly in essence as objects or it's conveniences which means that when that object can be wanted to become but it goes a Step Beyond that because when they take advantage of other people it's really that they determine something that this person can bring to them it can be money it could be connected connections it could be experiences it could be that they're very attractive and will make them look good to the world whatever it is they will sort of exploit that relationship for what it's worth and get what they can for it what it can make you feel is kind of gross as though you're not being seen as a person but rather as an opportunity to leverage future opportunities that idea of being taken advantage of is not a dynamic that just restored relationships you can see it getting close into an intimate relations you can you catch it in Friends you can catch it in the workplace you can even catch it in family experiences or you'll see that one family member let's say one family member that a narcissistic member of that family will attempt to take advantage of the other person's sort of standing experience whatever for their own advantage in the most extreme of this we'll sometimes see this when a family member maybe makes it big becomes rich or famous or something like that and another family member didn't dwell and that was narcissistic they may really try to go along for the ride I must be a hanger on or in the worst example even captioning on them turning in uncomfortable Stacks um uncomfortable family history are really just sort of dropping a dime on them there's been recent celebrity scandals where a family member actually was the person it sounded like a you know statistic family member was the person who threw someone else in that family under the bus on the basis of that other family members so it can be play out in a family Dynamic sort of setting it can also feel horrifying if this is why somebody may be pursuing you now all of us are sitting the same thing what's it really to take advantage of it's it's all relative you may hold a higher in the grand scheme of things you might have access to something they don't have I don't know a beach house a better car reservation someplace tickets to a basketball game or something like that wanting that thing or that experience from you that they may actually then try to take advantage of that person to make that experience it was actually a really interesting story news story that came out that was sort of going just went on trial around the time of making these videos it involved a woman who was like a real sort of a grifter she would take advantage of people she sort of put herself out in the world as though she was some sort of like Russian Billionaire's daughter and had this whole mysterious backstory and in essence what she was doing when she was becoming friends with people and exploiting these connections that she claimed to have to get them to pay for stuff that ended up culminating and her becoming friends with a woman who ended up fronting up something like sixty thousand dollars for nights out and a big vacation and all of that and interestingly that case went to trial the woman was found guilty but even throughout the trial this woman was making a big show of wearing at least specific kinds of outfits and sort of trying to still look dazzling in the courtroom as it were so that's a real example of somebody who was taking advantage of people by telling a story about themselves twisting the reality so they can get what they want from another person who didn't even have it to give you see this in corporate settings all the time when somebody walks into a situation or business settings and they see that there's a weakness they can exploit and they take advantage of it this happened on massive levels if you want to argue it that way in the mortgage The Mortgage Banking crash that led to the recession of 2008 where I had people full of people took advantage of the system and exploited it and ended up really taking advantage of the naivete of borrowers so taking advantage of a weakness or a person for your own gain is something that can happen at a massive level at the global economic level or at an individual level about what narcissists particularly malignant narcissists and obviously psychopaths are really good at doing it's finding out a person's weakness or recognizing that somebody has what they want and exploiting any weakness in that situation to get what they want out of that situation for their own gain when you've been through that on the receiving end it's horrible you feel very victimized it can feel quite traumatic and in some cases it can actually be quite tragic you may lose a lot of money you may lose a reputation you may lose status and there may not even be a way to get legal reparations for example you may never get that money back so being taken advantage of in that way doesn't feel good whether it's an intimate partner a business associate a family member it almost always feels excellent exploit traumatic if you're going through it sometimes the best you can do is try to get the best reparation you can in the kind of a situation and sometimes you can't so you really have to go to a place of radical acceptance and say okay shame on me hopefully next time I learn But after those experiences it can be really really hard to learn to trust after someone takes advantage of you in such an extreme way it's a signature calling part of a narcissist to take advantage of other people and take advantage of weaknesses in a system help me by watching this you'll be a little more likely to steer clear of that

Channel: DoctorRamani

Views: 84,177

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Id: nE-8qhKmmME

Length: 46min 18sec (2778 seconds)

Published: Sun Feb 05 2023