Do narcissists know they are narcissists?

do narcissistic people know they're narcissistic what do you think drop that one in the comments because i'm about to answer it again you know i always say it's more complicated but do narcissistic people actually know they're narcissistic before i answer that i'm dr romini welcome back to this youtube channel on narcissism my hope is what you learn on this channel will help you navigate these difficult relationships and situations and ideally avoid them in the first place but if you can't learn how to better protect yourself within them please subscribe if you're new to this channel we'd love to have you be part of this community so back to the question though do narcissistic people know that they are narcissistic and all of you know i've always said don't call them out right but what if they know and so what if you call them out right so you know what my question also here is does it really matter and i recognize for a lot of you is like yeah dr romney it does matter it does matter to us because i have to say though the answer to this question is more complicated and the answer to it actually does affect the experience of people going through narcissistic abuse but what people want to know actually it goes deeper than that it's not just do they know they're narcissistic you're actually asking a bigger question is do they have any insight into themselves so let's break this down from the perspective of insight and then what kind of insight group your narcissistic people are in how that affects you let's talk about group number one group number one are actually the narcissistic folks who know they are narcissistic and they don't give a damn in fact they're kind of proud of it they'll be like yeah i speak my mind and i don't care what other people think and if that makes me a narcissist i don't care so no i don't care what you feel get over yourself these are typically grandiose and malignant narcissistic folks sometimes they are stubborn self-righteous narcissistic folks who are obsessively wedded to their judgmental and rigid view of the world i gotta tell you though if you're in a relationship with someone like this who knows they are and have no likelihood to change you're kind of sunk remember that we live in a world where narcissism is incentivized and it's rewarded it could be that because narcissistic people do make money it may be because someone they have power it may even simply be that the narcissistic person is broke and they failed at everything they've tried but they simply want to dominate the people in their lives through threats and yelling and domination those are the things that matter to them but when it comes down to it right they don't have empathy they're egocentric and they really don't care what other people think when it comes to feelings so you calling them narcissistic in this group doesn't really impact them that much these are the people in this group of narcissists are often quite surprised and angry when they're called out in a way that impacts them so for example they lose their job or they get publicly shamed or they get arrested but even then right until the end they will blame other people or call it a witch hunt narcissistic folks at the top of their game tend to be found in this group because they are getting away with it and they get emboldened by that fact right if you are in any kind of relationship with one of these group one narcissists the ones who know they are like this and they don't care forget about it if you can get out safely then get out if you can't radical acceptance but overall remember that this is the group that is least likely to ever change there is no investment in change by them or caring about hurting other people they are actually fully leaned into their egocentric unempathic unkind dominating entitled and inappropriate personas this is a group you never really should call out now to break the cognitive dissonance with these group one narcissists basically you're gonna have to tell yourself this relationship i have i don't know with your partner parent friend sibling boss whoever it is i am in a relationship with a world-class ass and there's nothing that will change that and i am staying in this relationship because i'll fill in the blank whatever your reasons are and i know they won't change done now group two is an interesting group because this is the group of folks that know that they are narcissistic and they want to change it and they are a little bit ashamed this is a group that raises the biggest issues with cognitive dissonance for the people around them because once folks in this group start seeing what their behavior is doing to other people or to their professional life or they finally connect the dots after their initial shame rage meltdown they often get exhausted and do recognize that they need to do something about it they may go into therapy or rehab or both these are folks who are sometimes defeated grandiose narcissists who are vulnerable narcissists and sometimes communal narcissists who actually do care about how they look to the world and what they want to do in the world there are a few ways that folks in this group learn that their behavior is not okay maybe they hear it from someone they trust they may not even be told that they are narcissistic but rather they were told that their behavior is abusive or cruel or entitled and that can often result in some kind of loss or shame they lose a relationship or a job but they're able to hear it a little bit defensively but they can still hear it they have enough insight that they think that's not so good that is not a good look they may feel ashamed whenever they slip and rage and they will quickly try to gather themselves now it's tough if you're in a relationship with someone like this because it becomes a difficult cycle they get it they may even apologize they may even try but the probability of them slipping back into the old patterns especially if they're disappointed or frustrated or stressed is still pretty high unless they're on some really really good therapy for some of you just to see that they are trying and do sometimes seem to apologize that may be enough for some of you the cycle may be exhausting because of all of the back and forth the good behavior the bad behavior you go back and forth between rationalizing the relationship and wanting to leave it especially if there are stakes in the relationship children family a home a job you can't leave their awareness that they are behaving badly may be enough for you to try the and find the workarounds because you see them trying a little this group can sometimes be prone to rage because they're often getting exhausted from trying hard and they don't always get it right which can often set off the shame and rage cycle like a frustrated child who throws their puzzle that they can't figure out across the room now this is a group of narcissistic folks where if you do call them out you may set off the shame rage cycle but also you may sometimes get a grudging yeah you're right i got it that's not cool i'm sorry about that now staying or going here is intensely personal and if ever the unicorns who change were in a group it's this group of knowing that they are narcissistic and wanting to do something about it but finding it hard now the group three folks are the people who actually don't get it and get angry because people have had it with them they literally don't get why people have a problem with them and it's almost as though they don't understand why people are are troubled by their behavior or just don't let them get away with anything they're doing they're almost as bad as the folks in group one but i would argue they're a little worse because folks in group one are copying to their narcissism this group doesn't get it they simply don't understand that they do not have empathy or that they are dysregulated and scary or that they are entitled they just don't now these do tend to be malignant narcissists self-righteous narcissists sometimes grandiose and vulnerable narcissists can be found here as well these are people who completely lack self-awareness lack insight and have no capacity to be self-reflective they are contemptuous and dismissive and will often tell you that you're being an idiot asking too much they will gaslight and tell you that you're emotional there is a thin skinned constantly provoked almost paranoid feel group three actually looks almost a little bit closer to sociopathy and any emotional or normal relationship ask not only will not be met it will be pushed back on angrily in addition these folks who just don't get it and get angry they get angry because people are holding them to a behavioral standard that doesn't even make sense to them or that they feel that them having to talk about feeling slows them down and they resent being held to the normal rules of social functioning now people in this group will be very oppositional if they are ever asked to do anything as well they don't want to do anything in some ways they feel like spoiled teenagers now this is a group where we see more severe narcissistic abuse for the people who are in the relationships with these folks because there really is no hope for change here and sometimes there may even be a risk for more dangerous aggression or violence to ramp up these folks will not get into therapy unless they're forced to but since there's no insight or motivation to change any therapy even enforced therapy is not going to work these are unhealthy and psychologically unsafe relationships there is virtually no hope for change i always acknowledge that some people can't leave these relationships whatever their reasons are so if you're gonna stay it's radical acceptance all day on and all night and realistic expectations it's essential to have support be in therapy and have a safety plan now the narcissistic folks in group four are similar to group three but they don't get angry there's just no emotion there they actually don't get that they're they don't understand why people don't like their behavior full stop sometimes they get a little angry but there's a lot of like what did i do why is everyone mad at me i actually know someone like this and yeah sometimes they're angry but usually it's huh i don't understand what the problems people have with me in this case there may even be overlaps with some social processing deficits because they really really don't get it but we also see alongside that a lack of insight a lack of empathy the grandiosity the entitlement the arrogance just wanting things the way they want them they all of that's there so they don't get it and while they aren't as visibly scary as group three who always gets angry the folks in this group are also continually behaving in emotionally abusive ways just through their lack of insight and their neglect of relationships and they just don't care nor do they get it in this group we really do see the neglectful narcissists vulnerable narcissists and sometimes the self-righteous narcissist and every so often the malignant ones although like i said the malignant narcissistic folks are more often in group three since they're more ragey but these folks just don't get it and they basically seem emotionally clueless their cluelessness can create confusion and justification by the people around them because people may give them a free pass by saying they really don't understand what they're doing wrong they really don't but the other side of that is that they are still quite antagonistic manipulative callous hostile grandiose validation seeking if it was just not the understanding of emotion or their impact on others or the experience the experience other people are having and we did not see the antagonistic patterns we might even consider social processing deficits or even full-blown autism spectrum but the presence of the antagonistic stuff we see in this group negates that as a possibility now a relationship with someone like this is like living in an emotional famine there is no mirroring no awareness you could be crying and they might just walk away from you you could be begging on your hands and knees to be heard and they may just shrug their shoulders and if you gave them feedback about their coldness or their lack of empathy they may say i i don't get it i have plenty of empathy what are you so upset about to say that these relationships are confusing is an understatement and also this is a group that will never get into therapy nor is there much likelihood of change even if they did so couples therapy if you're someone like this is an utter waste of time because there's little awareness they have no awareness of what they are doing nor do they care about who they're affecting by what they're doing or not doing and even again if they were forced or mandated into therapy it's just not going to be likely to work this pattern is not likely to change people sometimes wonder why these folks people in this group four who just they have no understanding of how they affect people why would they even get into a relationship because they're so disconnected but they still need validation and supply and that's why they need other people around them as well as needing people to do stuff for them that they feel entitled to now obviously there is really no likelihood of a healthy or a thriving relationship here the relative absence of the rage that we see here may mean that those who can't leave in a relationship like this with someone like this can adjust to the famine conditions and will need therapy and supports to get through this you may be able to stay if you build a network of friends interests work and recognize that there is basically just sort of a strange roommate that is in your house or in your life the radical acceptance becomes essential as and it also becomes essential that you don't personalize it because there's simply a lack of self-awareness here that represents a real social deficit and it's it's not you so some narcissistic folks do know that they are narcissistic and may even cop to it other folks have no clue and are not likely to get a clue anytime soon the origins of the the narcissism can have a lot to do with this people who grow up really sort of spoiled and over-indulged and privileged they may be in those first group of people the ones who know that they're narcissistic and just don't care the ones who the folks who experience more of the attachment traumas and early life deprivation they may be the ones who just simply don't get like why people have a problem with them the groups three and four ultimately narcissism is a rather nuanced pattern it's a personality style that almost never works in a relationship but the different presentations mean that you may be struggling in these relationships in different ways so that was a very long answer to do they know they're narcissistic some do some don't and that difference can really make these relationships feel quite different thank you

Channel: DoctorRamani

Views: 355,420

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Id: 7yu__5iZdXI

Length: 15min 27sec (927 seconds)

Published: Wed Apr 13 2022