13 Comedy Sketches from the Tonight Show 1989-1992 - Ashland, Kentucky

Oh Kane I did a joke during the monologue about a Garfield doll and let me say from the outset Garfield always very popular doll we love Garfield dolls how many of you got a Garfield doll for Christmas okay people stick them in on their windshield and people getting tired of that kind of behavior Garfield's all I guess is the hot toy of the last 1 year so first it was pet rocks the baby on board signs thank god they're gone gone right Rubik's Cube we're good for a while prices of the dolls I guess for about 13 to 25 dollars depending on the size of Garfield's dolls and we've made a lot of jokes about them as to what you could do with your Garfield doll now before we start this don't send I know people are very emotional about life little kitty cats don't send us any letters we checked with a few people and asked asked them to send us in some suggestions or whether he might have done with a Garfield dog just to guy who break the monotony so we're gonna show you some pieces it's April what these people came up with don't send any letters here this is just this is just a doll made out of fur and polyester or whatever so that's nothing to do with kitty cats I love kitty cats as well as an extra but I know how people before with their little kitty cats so here are the first one is it was sent to us by an amateur golfer in Orlando Florida and he received his Garfield is a birthday can we roll that tape Bob [Applause] usually those kind of shots with a kitty go up in the sand trap but let's say all right next deep came to us from Winnemucca Nevada this gentleman received his Garfield for Christmas from his sister-in-law and here's his shoes for Garfield just one of the many uses for your Garfield all friends right then from mount Aloha Thorpe Georgia this this guy wanted a bowling ball for Christmas he didn't get it so here's it here's what he did well I'm winner here done this is another youth [Applause] however you love little kitty cats did I get out order here yeah I guess I did do that order denied all right let's see where we at now well let's just roll the Nexen here I don't know what's coming up now oh yes here's the one at the public yeah I just I got flip-flop here [Music] from what our viewers - from Beaver Dam Wisconsin all right this this lady got to Garfield's apparently for Christmas so here's what she did with ours copious justice just a toy the streets were white mouth bass I was supposed just just a fishing lure alright now the next tape is from Lompoc California show you [Applause] okay here's one this little sad gentle North Dakota wanted a Garfield off for Christmas didn't quite arrive in time and here's the tape his wife SS [Music] of course says he goes let's see okay here's our next to last we have one word if somebody mailed in I don't quite understand this apparently this guy found that shavings got the suction cups and everything this guy found the shaving in the morning was such a lonely experience that he invented this let me show you how this works the shaving cream dispenser which I kiss con I think is kind of nice okay now this is just just a toy folks are not not real people in their camps they really get steamed when we filmed that one with the hearse we actually went out and shot it with a hearse driving down the street and people almost went crazy when they saw it they actually thought that somebody was you know there was somebody going to their final resting place and would put the Garfield camp there we do this first we shall be right back here's a word from Eureka vacuum as I promised you last night some unusual videotape tonight it's important for a juror to realize of course there are two sides to every story we have obtained some footage of the incident independent as you well know now people have of these home camcorders and the news stations very often seek them out if they happen to be at the scene of some of newsworthy incident and ask to see their film we have two versions of the alleged run-in with miss Gabor and the Beverly Hills police shot by two different passerby or is it passers-by passers passers-by before you make up your mind who is guilty you should watch these two clips let's let's see the first one you can watch the monitor [Applause] [Applause] [Music] [Music] okay now that's one nice that is just one pen sir biased perspective however shot from a different angle you'll see there may be something that John just charges a police-brutality after all let's take a look at this [Music] [Applause] there you have it it's really hard to tell but I'm sure that tape will be introduced at the trial and we want to thank ruling thank roving News hounds Richard fry Lee and David Carter from Kentucky who just happen to have their cameras ready what a low-key struck with a lucky stroke of luck for us or looky strike I don't know whatever anyway I get ones that trial supposed to be you know early September that's gonna be funny to them fun okay we'll take a break and we'll be back with mushy bran and the little brown brothers did you know my shoe size is eight and a half I just that's amazing weird weird audio my fella fact we have something we had planned to do last week two nights yeah and during the monologue the audiences were a little iffy and we kind of just something to do it by nothing tonight we're gonna try this now first of all gonna start off with a little trivia question there was an oscar-winning filmmaker some years ago and who do you associate it with if I just go oh he did it again does that ring a bell with anybody here you have to be a certain edge me no no there's a name Pete Smith ring a bell to any of you yeah there was a gentleman by the name of Pete Smith who did a series of little oh I guess I must have been 10 or 12 minutes shorter called Pete Smith specialties they were wonderful they were about a fellow by the name of Joel McDuck's I think who was kind of a nerdy Scotty character nothing ever went right he was a helpless kind of a guy he'd come home and you'd see a roller skate on the sidewalk and Pete Smith used to do oh I bet he doesn't see the skate hope he did it again and he would fall down and very clumsy and we've been looking for something that might lend itself for that style of narration so what we by the way Pete Smith won two Oscars for Best Short subject and an honorary Oscar in 1953 I think he passed away a few years ago so we got to do this the other day we were wondering if we could find a piece of film that might lend itself or that Pete Smith kind of narration we would do it well we have it we put together a short film on the Pete Smith's I'll try to do I don't do exactly but he does that kind of areas again so if you watch the monitors we'll show you what we put together adi folks johnny carson with white house workout welcome to today's episode all that George put your feet up on the dog and get ready for some high ranking high jinks as our cameras take you on a private tour among the leisure leaders in our nation's kooky capitol this week what do you say we tag along with the commander-in-chief himself George eat my dust bush and see what keeps him in the presidential pink well first here's good old George out on the links he's riding in style satin cloth cart one George uh-oh who's this [Applause] well what's the up to now looks like a friendly game of half-court basketball now don't be a ball kaha George [Applause] well you late for a bus George hardly it's this morning job now stay on the sidewalk George wait till it's dry tennis anyone but that's not anyone that's George say is that a nice how about some horseshoes sailing sailing over the bounding main Kenny buck port main that is well George has seen that you hook something [Applause] [Music] [Applause] oh he did oh that George we're perfect for that okay how many of you own what are they call now camcorder yeah a video camera have you noticed a lot of the new shows around the country now are resorting and I guess they ask people if they happen to be near any newsworthy event to send them any tape they might have taken I think during the earthquake in San Francisco the piece of tape that they played over and over again was taken by a couple I think Oklahoma we're on vacation crossing the Bay Bridge and happened to have the camcorder on did you see that remarkable footage yeah and the two cars that just disappeared was well we have a remarkable piece of film that is come to our attention if may have seen this ad first of all that ties in with this ad that the magician Siegfried and Roy are you familiar with Siegfried and Roy now they do they do one of the greatest magic acts you've ever seen and they play up in Las Vegas something like 50 weeks a year they were in Radio City Music Hall anyway they were auditioning this was an ad can you see it the Monson clothes they're auditioning acrobats and dancers you see Zandt the bottle missus looka please bring resume photo and leotards must be able to do back handsprings back aerials aerial cartwheels than any other aerial tricks well it seems in an amateur photographer right was it one of the auditions with it with a camcorder and he managed to gives her other startling footage of one of the people who are auditioning for Siegfried and Roy's you know they work with all the wild animals and so forth so here it is folks watch the monitor [Music] [Applause] [Music] just a remarkably lucky circumstance if somebody happened to be there it's just tragedy because that is we wanted you to see it yeah heavy stuff heavy stuff you try it it's why we don't know you figure how do you think that'll play I guess the big news the past couple of weeks Beemer Berlin Wall thing up and I think there was every American newsman in the world over there local stations sent them over there was Brokaw was over there Peter Jennings maybe see dan Rather was over there and if you watch rather I'm like Dan Rather yes remember when he first started the news when he replaced Walter Cronkite he want to get a little kind of a gimmick for himself you know to get an identity so he finished the newscast I think with the word he'd finished news need to say this is Dan Rather good night and courage and it didn't go over well and he phase that out so then for a while rather did the news with a sweater right I guess to give him kind of a homey atmosphere you know and he had a sweater then he gave up the sweater if you have you seen him lately Wow he's doing the news he stands up yeah he stands next to a kind of election for the era you know so he comes up with a new gimmick so we thought what would Dan resort to next so what we have what we have Bobby we're gonna switch live to this CBS News suite we can actually switch upstairs are you there god right can we switch live for the CBS news feed to find out what man okay cut in and watch the monitor and we'll see what Dan is up to what new gimmick he is and that's how things are here at the Berlin Wall this is Dave Carter CBS news back to you Dan [Music] okay who knows maybe we catch on well who knows maybe it'll catch on 84 year-old talk-show host Johnny Carson celebrated his 22nd wedding anniversary recently to his wife Alex mr. Carson has the longest-running happiest marriage in show business and is damn proud of it [Music] CBS's Dan Rather this newscasters father is trying a new sign-off after reading the nightly news in a turtleneck sweater standing up and sitting behind a typewriter the veteran newsman says he's finally found a look that makes him happy rather saying good night and good luck [Applause] [Music] [Applause] I'm gonna talk about fruitcakes River lady on last night I think her name was Gladys Farrukh from Texas who made fruitcakes we have made a lot of jokes did you ever get a fruitcake for Christmas I go in this Christmas do you eat it no see that's mm that's the damnedest singer nobody eats them you keep it for a long time you put it up in the closet somewhere and then you wait till next Christmas and you send it over to somebody else and they weigh a ton they're very heavy all right let me show you just now here is a small one what would you think here's a fruitcake that's country fair called fruitcake what would you think this way this Way's it's only a small box several pounds weighs about two pounds Wow and we wanted to see if we could cut it upstairs right we were unable to cut it so what we did we sent a fruitcake another fruitcake you know one of the regular round ones and we sent it down well here let me give you the ingredients in here pecans walnuts raisins cherries almonds or Emmons what are you saying all the almonds eggs flour sugar fruit juice candied lemon peel rum or whiskey baking powder what I said yeah no you know that uh baking powder honey and salt now those are fairly light ingredients what happens when you put them together that makes this a so damn heavy well we thought perhaps there's some secret ingredient to account for this but we couldn't get it open so what we did we sent a large fruit big we've had up in the office do Carter's a Carter fry Lee Carter fry Lee demolition company in Ashland Kentucky who told them we told him to open the fruitcake cut it open in any way they could and film it and send us the film watch the monitor here's what they said is there's your fruitcake really is a carbon steel change to the back of the pickup this is their this is their first and all right here we are hell they took it out on the railroad here all right here we go the national karate national karate this guy is a man Grandmaster [Applause] so we took it back there these guys are still alright now look at this machine it's gonna rip a car apart these are things they used to demolish cars right this is one of machines they actually used to take cars apart before they all right here we go whose exerts about eight tons of pressure and under nothing absent Murphy could make from nothing didn't he put a dent in it right here we are these guys are still at it again nothing all right here comes the Amtrak 7:15 which would make it about 11:30 now there's how to do it No perfect condition all right guys can answer all three dynamite is three sticks of dynamite [Music] [Music] well we tried everything but I guess now we have to recondition well I'm afraid it's time after this we've got everything here these guys are still at it late at night time to unleash the awesome power of the atom we did our go we may never know what's inside a fruitcake but however we didn't find a one good use for your fruitcake watch this well-known commercial and you'll see a perfect use for a fruitcake we do want more coffee oh yes it's wonderful it's morning symphony [Music] [Applause] finally finally we found we'll be right back stay where you are they're gonna cross that ramp into the elevator yeah [Applause] okay over the years we've had a lot of requests to repeat that stunt no other shows have done it since then and I think last year in Tokyo I think they had it on the nightly news they used our high school gymnasium and set up something like 1 million dominoes it took them several weeks to do it and I think the thing ran for what was something like an hour and five minutes for them all to fall down so we took that well how can we top that well folks we think we found a way tonight we're going to knock over 8,000 Domino's pizza delivery drivers we've been setting them up all week we're gonna start on our stage here we're gonna bring the start of the line and then as soon as we started remember to watch the monitors because we have cameras outside you'll see them go down the hall at NBC outside they will go over Hills they will spell out NBC and and a big finish you don't believe me do you I'm talking show business 3000 Domino pizza delivery drivers may we have the start of the line come out please if I say as soon as this starts this is the start of the line it will continue on outside you'll have to watch the monitors as soon as we start are you gentlemen ready good luck [Music] [Music] [Applause] damn 29 minutes [Applause] [Music] okay my only regret is ed Sullivan's not alive to see that that's right we are to submit that to the Guinness Book of Records until somebody comes up with 8001 Domino pizza delivery drivers anyway I want to thanks to the students a Paul G blazer high school and Russell high school and the Gertrude Rainey boys home in Ashland Kentucky and for all the uniforms thanks to Corey Speer off who's the dominoes area supervisor here in Burbank I think they did a hell of a job okay okay a lot of you out here on vacation how many of you travel now with the camcorders where you go okay remember the old 8 millimeter you carry that you'd go out and you'd shoot 50 feet for three minutes right then you'd have to take it and get it edited no sound yeah now you go out with these camcorders and you get beautiful pictures that you can almost play right on television anyway one of our viewers a gentleman named David Carter took his video camera with him on a recent trip to Indonesia he also took along a picture of me and decided to conduct a little poll among the local people it's and he sent us the tape this is the David Carter's tape now this is for real watch it this will do something not much for your ego I'm gonna buddy got ya you ever see him before yes my daughter the names the early Carson [Music] oh yeah Jake Griffin [Applause] yes Hollywood yes where did this Taylor married will stay you Louie is an American TV star everything in the Golden Goose who is it that's fit then queen I firmly am you ever seen before on TV no part of your favorite TV shows from America I like dynasty and yes yeah but I never seen this man before his name is Johnny Carson I see the big American TV star oh yeah yes I know who it is because it look like you know it is yes I want to know I don't know you don't know what is yeah have you heard of Johnny Carson Johnny Carson oh yes yes yes his name is the famous custom what we do is a film stars no movie TV all the movie TV TV serial tonight show tonight shows very nice no I don't know either of them but probably maybe one of them is a is this Jodi Carson from Nebraska yes it is [Applause] I think the lastly was the president of my Indonesian fan club I don't know where she how she knew that or they set her up food or not but that was sent to us by David Carter any time any time your ego gets a little big yes you know you should send a camera around to some country when Bob Hope WA went to do a special from China about three or four years ago I got a postcard from him he says a billion people over here don't know who you are okay how many of you people after the Academy Awards or than the people that the pictures who won went to see that particular picture that you might not have seen before okay dudas beneficiary the Academy this year was Driving Miss Daisy as of yesterday grossed over 93 million dollars and that was originally what they call I guess in Hollywood or a small picture the pictures nowadays cost I guess a minimum for like twenty million dollars that probably was made what for less than that uh now on a big-budget film wins an Oscar the studio he no pumps a lot of money into it give me people to go unfortunately the nominees for the smaller Awards folks often go unnoticed how many of you right now can name the nominees for Best Short subject at one of the Academy Awards nobody all warrant and I will want that so tonight we thought we would give one of those smaller films that publicity the studios have denied them here's one of the nominees didn't win for the 1989 Academy Awards for Best Short subject [Music] I knew I should have taken that trolley Hulk Hulk you're going too fast Miss Daisy I'm only going 19 miles an hour speed limit 35 besides no rich white lady should be riding no prolly with no grocery store bag you know my husband taught me to operate an automobile you can't pull anything over on me did you get that air conditioning fixed yeah I got a fix I don't know what Bo you don't never allow me to join it all you know this isn't the way to the Piggly Wiggly oh I ain't driving you to no damn Bigley wiggling I'm trying to drive you through the wall [Applause] no I'm trying to grab you dude wall egrets old woman [Applause] [Music] computer yes that was a source of trashing Miss Daisy misty was played by lorina shank and the voice of oak was performed by our very own Robert Smith Bob Smith won the right to hire staff right good job folks [Applause] she probably are well aware oh by the way John Larroquette mark Schiff and Kurt Thomas later on you men she's going back into into competition after ten years I admire him for that yeah okay you should probably know the one of the hottest shows on television for the past I guess month or so a couple months has been America's Funniest Home Videos hosted by a nice young guy who's been on our show Bob Saget now when a number one show comes out what is television till copy places this is pretty much a copycat business folks local shows have jumped on the bandwagon Oprah Winfrey the other day did a special on Home Videos and I saw my gonna mention the person's name I actually show last week a host of a syndicated show actually ask viewers to send in their sexiest home videos now that's right you just a little a little perverse yeah can you imagine sitting the staff sitting back there watching these sexiest home videos some slob running around in a bathrobe you know how George that's going too far that's going too far anyway coming up on NBC dick clark's do it yourself TV is coming up now we have some standards on The Tonight Show we do not yes I didn't say they were lofty standards but low standards can be long right it's up to you aware that where they go so we asked the Tonight Show simply says why don't we jump on this this thing has taken off why don't we have our staff members bring in their Funniest Home Videos well folks we asked them and they did we received 6 from the staff we think are pretty good the first is Tommy Newsom here's this Funniest Home Video Bobbie [Music] [Applause] you should have seen that golf stuff we cut out all right our receptionist Mike Baron Mike thought he'd give you his little wife a surprise one day so we went home early oh honey I've got a little surprise for you [Applause] [Music] boy was her face red yeah one of our writers Bob Smith owns a horse so his wife Terry took this humorous home video of Bob last week [Applause] see and here's Tommy again well Tommy seems to be having trouble with that sheet okay now our next two videos are from Greg Elliott our head prop man and Mike Huber one of our correspondents I should point out that again nobody was really hurt watch these Timmy don't play with the chicken we'll be home in a minute we're playing with the radio Timmy don't play with a garage door opener you love with somebody else's door by mistake [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] okay here's here's here's Mike bowling he gets distracted [Applause] and there's Tommy and that wacky sheets let's see how it does this time hey hey [Music] before I show you this next one I want to caution you and let you know that this is not for real this is make-believe from start to finish because a lot of controversy about some of the other video shows some of the critics thought that people were being unnecessarily cruel and too violent right and might be jeopardizing young kids to get on television so when you see this it has to do with the baby I want you to understand listen to me seriously well you'll see the baby at the beginning you'll see the baby at the end from then on in between it's just a bundle so you don't you may go or not I'm telling you now we did not use a real child for this and we're not saying that anybody should even try to do this just watch it this is our sandy Gillis and her husband Tom just had a baby so pretty [Music] [Applause] [Applause] [Applause] [Music] I know I know this it's just it's just it it's just a bundle folks yes we know we know [Laughter] just just at all [Music] oh my baby [Applause] if you just happened to tune in at home in the middle of that let me emphasize that that was just a bundle rag bundle we did not do anything with the baby so don't you know I think you saw something you didn't see and right in because that would be hard to explain you see somebody's just tuning and going my god they've gone crazy okay we'll be back and I'm on the folks this is the new Infiniti superzoom 300 from Olympus for really great pictures smile there's no business like you've heard that old truism everybody wants to be in show but there's no business like show biz all right how many let's take a poll why don't you come out of town how many it happens everywhere locally here in the station weatherman now do little models we have a very clever guy out here in candy see Fritz warm up yes does good humor and then you finally get around to the weather long a few jokes sports casters do that how many of your local sports casters also do a little monologue or little jokes or short comic highlights see the highlights a day and they're showing you the best most painful collision the best catch the so forth and so on so we taped all the local news shows around the country just last week I'm gonna show you some of the tape to illustrate what do we mean what's the monitors you folks all right now the British Open is going on right now you'd expect to find out who's leading right who's the second place they ignored all of that and show this lucky shot instead [Applause] [Music] [Applause] I'm leek putt all right it was an amazing game in the world basketball league last Tuesday night Alice asked a chauhan beaten Memphis from overtime one hundred and seventeen hundred and sixteen but did the locals forecasters show the game-winning shot no instead we got this [Applause] [Music] now holidays are records broken practically forever who tracked me especially track and field and there are plenty of real heroes like the Florence Joyner - Carl Lewis it was a pretty when they ignore them and instead their own accomplishment like this what's this once the last place made [Applause] true sportsmanship [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] folks [Music] what production values folks they're already doing football tryouts and now our real journalists would go out there and the profile of the rising young stars and so for instead we get this sleazy incident used by some local sports cast a sportscaster in the nation I mean practice scrimmage watch this techie techie [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] see that's what I'm talking about folks let's work traveling with this grand ball game [Applause] okay now the other night Minnesota made two triple plays in one game then went out the next night got six double plays did we see that on local sports no they were too busy showing this cheap DoublePlay watch the player chewing the huge wad of tobacco [Applause] [Music] you see look at that running good where yes [Applause] exactly [Music] [Applause] great American came look what they're doing to uh folklore we have now if you're a basketball fan if you're a basketball fan you know about hang time right right guys like Michael Jordan's they they look like they're suspended you know and like a slow-motion or animated from four minutes they're hanging in the air well we have a piece of tape shows America's obsession with long hand time it may have gone too far this is the longest hang time I've ever seen on a basketball go [Music] it's unbelievable hang time [Music] [Applause] unbelievable incredible oh my guess it was here than that they'll be out here in just a moment to join it but here's a word from Michelob rye beer bold taste with no aftertaste my friends now and they took my only took my stars last night now they've got my friends in anyway it's nice to have you all here okay now I talked about the lottery how many of you actually play the lottery don't be somebody 144 million dollars but has not identified himself yet and there's a state lottery and I guess lots of states now have legalized lotteries to raise money I guess for education and maybe it's a good thing I don't know how do you choose your numbers you ever play never played most people have some kind of for some reason or they use the children's ages there their marriage date all kinds of things they're thinking that that's gonna improve their odds or something you can buy books look at this this book is gonna be about a 200 pages the only way to win at lotto we're not plugging the book look I made a book about that yeah how to pick your personal lottery numbers lotto numbers discover your personal lucky numbers for lotto and they sell this stuff now how many of you would you buy these books help you win the lottery all the folks of your own [Applause] everybody from the morning they're just hoping to move down from here I'm you can buy a there's a thing called language master by Franklin is available I guess a sharper image and you can actually by pressing certain numbers here they will come up with five different numbers and you press again it can give you another five numbers did it a change yeah in other words it selects I'm a gland them and for whatever reason or yeah Wow now it's my feeling exactly well now I'm not a mathematician but I would guess that this doesn't mean anything at all these books right the laws of probability would be I would guess now how many hit you have forty nine numbers and they're what they call the six pick is at it fifty six numbers at the victim they say the odds are something like one in fifteen million now actually you could take any five numbers and play them continually your odds would be as good would they not as any you could play one two three four five six and your chances of that coming up are just as good as any five or six random numbers right that's the law of probabilities anyway well there are lots of other ways you can do that you can do this folks and we've worked out we figured if they can sell books sorry I guess what we did and I think we could improve over the long haul that the way we segrin we're gonna show you to select these numbers you don't have to follow this procedure are just as good as anybody else's okay now so we show six random numbers under 49 and we picked each of the numbers in a completely different way there in a moment you're gonna see here first we went to a golf course as a lightning storm was approaching and then we hired a candy to walk to the top of the hill ask him to hold a metal golf club above his head as the Lightning approached to select our first number and here's the tape of that watch the monitor [Music] and you can see 35 minutes later there's our first number [Applause] [Laughter] you actually went out on the hill to the young boy and yes we did with a camera crew yes yes we did on location for our second lucky number we went to a used car lot call out of salesman his lunch hour and hit him on both feet with a circus test your strength hammer and you'll see here how we chose the second number 14 is our second our second lucky number this is just as reliable as any of these others we we got a hundred and sixty pound man to drink two jumbo soft drinks at an interstate truck stop then asked him to get on the highway and drive without using the restroom [Music] [Music] [Applause] we're number five folks we took a savings along executive to the roof of his own bankrupt thrift covered him from head to foot with radial tires threw him into the parking lot but let's watch that tape [Music] [Music] 41 bosses alright we needed six numbers for with you the one works pyramid you decide to see how many sticks of dynamite it would take to blow the roof off a Kentucky outhouse roll that safely [Music] 3514 wait scientific agenda that wind if that winds you'll always have grass will be right back with David Letterman [Applause]

Channel: Creativity Films

Views: 18,788

Rating: 4.7173915 out of 5

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Id: acw91IeXEvc

Length: 59min 56sec (3596 seconds)

Published: Wed Apr 08 2020