The Terrible Price We Pay For the Fear of Being Alone

this video is sponsored by the online learning community skillshare the first 1000 people to use the link in the description will receive a one month free trial it was Ava's first day of kindergarten for the first time she was surrounded by people her age that she didn't know up until this point she always knew other children and adults from her parents and family introducing them to her and up until this point she had never really experienced or understood the concept of feeling alone Ava sat on a bench on the edge of the schoolyard playground during the first morning recess observing the other children playing with each other many already friends from preschool which Ava's parents chose to not have her attend at first it was nice Ava was happy to just sit there by herself and observe but then after a little while a teacher walked up to Ava and said what are you doing over here by yourself Ava go play with the other kids I don't know anyone though Ava responded matter of factly that's okay just pick a group and say hi it's better than being over here by yourself right Ava sat there for a moment and then a strange sensation that she had never felt before of being separate unnoticed alone began to set in with the haphazard willingness only a five-year-old is capable of Ava got up and went over to a group of four girls playing by the swings and said hi I'm Ava for the rest of the morning Ava played with the girls on the swings in the jungle gym then during the recess after lunch she sat with the same four girls in the open field next to the playground then the next day she did the same and then again the several days after that by the end of the week Ava found the four girls to be kind of annoying she didn't relate to most of what they talked about and were interested in but it wasn't horrible it was fine and Ava didn't want to spend her time during recess and lunch alone and clicks had already started to form so Ava just continued to spend the rest of the school year with the four girls several years later in Middle School it became increasingly normal for kids Ava's age to regularly hang out outside of school on the weekends and after school during the week Ava soon found herself often being invited over other kids houses to the mall and to sleepovers and parties around the same time Ava began to develop a genuine interest in spending time outdoors and in nature she especially loved running very few of her friends seemed to share the same level of interest in running or hiking outside of the school's track and cross-country meets though most of the time her friends just wanted to sit around in a living room or walk around a mall or eventually in high school drive around and smoke weed or go to parties and drink Ava wasn't a particularly big fan of any of these things but it wasn't horrible it was fine and Ava hated the feeling of being alone or excluded on weekends or after school or Worse looking like a loner so Ava just did what everyone else did saying yes to nearly every invite and reaching out to her friends to schedule plans anytime she didn't already have them during High School Ava began dating her first boyfriend will they started dating almost immediately after one of Ava's best friends began dating one of Will's friends and introduced them a lot of Ava's friends were now dating and were much busier as a result often times when Ava tried to do something during the week with them they would be busy with their boyfriends and so Ava hurried into a relationship of her own she didn't have a lot in common with Will and he was of a different intellectual interest we can say but it wasn't horrible it was fine it was nice showing up to parties with someone and having double dates and someone to be with when no one else was around it lasted a little over a year until will broke up with her saying that he found Ava just too clingy and jealous to handle then came Kevin then Chris then Paul a series of mediocre not great but not terrible relationships each lasting around a year or two each separated by mere months of each other each ending because of infidelity or incompatibility or both by the end of Ava's childhood and young adult life she had rarely spent much time by herself she rarely engaged in her own Hobbies or interests and she rarely focused on her own life now in adulthood Ava's most recent long-term relationship with Paul ended after dedicating herself to it for two years and now most of Ava's friends were working full-time most in serious relationships some married and with families and Ava too began working full-time herself the world was suddenly busier her social life was suddenly quieter for the first time Ava was regularly alone the weekends if she was lucky contained perhaps one social event her weeknights were typically quiet and isolated in her apartment her longtime fear and anxiety of being alone was now what she fell asleep next to every night and woke up next to every morning which she sat across from at her kitchen table every day as often as she could Ava saw any opportunity to do anything weird dinner parties with people she barely knew making plans with old friends she barely liked trying to meet a new guy that could help take the silence away soon Ava found herself in another relationship with a man named CJ one of the first guys she met and talked to since Paul they completely hit it off right away and Ava felt a connection with CJ unlike any connection she had felt before in memory CJ was so funny and sweet and accommodating soon they began to spend nearly all their free time together and the relationship soon blossomed and became the best relationship Ava had ever experienced in memory As Time passed though things began to change CJ became a bit colder a bit more uncaring a bit less sweet and accommodating When the Smoke of lust in the early stages of Love cleared there wasn't as much there as Ava had originally thought but Ava couldn't even imagine returning to An Empty Apartment an empty bed a sink with dishes that were only hers and so they continued dating whenever the two fought Ava feared the prospect of CJ breaking up with her or the relationship being ruined so she almost always caved and accommodated CJ's preferences he must have found this very pleasing because after four years of dating he proposed Ava looked down at CJ on his left knee ring displayed and began to cry uncertain of which emotions were inside the tears a year later they were married as more time passed CJ's seeming indifference toward the relationship quietly slid into a state of inertia Ava had never felt so alone in her entire life but she grew accustomed to the coziness of mediocrity and banality she never realized just how bad things were until six years into the marriage CJ died killed in a car accident caused by reckless driving Ava cried for a while but not long after inside she felt a deep disquieting sense of relief for a while she didn't tell anyone about this feeling until finally during a session she told her therapist whom she had been seeing following around the time of CJ's death how could I possibly think that about someone someone I loved Ava revealed to the therapist my husband dies and I feel relief that's actually not necessarily that uncommon of a feeling in situations like these grieving in death and losing people is complicated and it can involve all sorts of emotions and factors sometimes relief is one of them a little bit of guilt is healthy but too much in this case isn't going to help anyone or anything what's important is we try to understand how we got here the therapist replied Ava sat quietly for a few moments for a year she had been going to therapy sessions and thinking about this it was as if she had been slowly chiseling away at a lifetime's worth of stone that she built around her and in this moment she finally broke through it her eyes began to water [Music] my whole life I've been so afraid of being alone I just did anything and everything I could to not be I never stopped to think about whether something was good or right I never let things go or end when I knew they weren't I don't even really know who I am when I'm not in the reflection of other people she paused for another moment and fell back in the couch she was sitting on I should just stop trying I shouldn't date anyone ever again I'm done Ava concluded the therapist waited a moment then she said well we don't need the pendulum to completely swing the other way being alone isn't the goal there's nothing wrong with wanting to not be alone with seeking companionship and love and active social life and everything else but how we look for and navigate through these things is what makes the difference being motivated by speed instead of accuracy by fear rather than intention that is what will create a life in which maybe you're not alone but eventually there might not be much of you at all you have to learn how to be alone first and then you'll know how to not be you're still young there's plenty of time to get this right a few weeks later Ava was in her apartment alone she was doing some cleaning when one of her friends whom she was still somewhat close with texted her the text read Ava Zach and I are going to a little holiday party thing this weekend and one of Zach's friends is looking for a plus one he asked if I had any friends that might be interested and I figured I'd see if you were maybe interested in me introducing you to him and coming with us he's a great guy no pressure of course either way we should do something soon Ava looked down at her phone screen she thought for a moment then she began to type [Music] this video was sponsored by skillshare for many of us it can feel like there's so much pressure to go a certain way and do certain things in life with comparisons and opinions always one thumb swipe away it's easy to just recede into the common denominator paths or a current status quo skillshare 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Channel: Pursuit of Wonder

Views: 353,964

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Id: jbACI7TEePU

Length: 11min 42sec (702 seconds)

Published: Wed Apr 19 2023