3 months of depression, documented

foreign [Music] something about turning on a camera is very intimidating these days today is the first day that I am taking five milligrams of Lexapro which is for those of you who are familiar Alexa stop I wasn't talking to you a different relax it's an antidepressant I was diagnosed with minor depression [Music] I'm gonna cry I don't really see a way out of this depression I just like can't fathom a day where I don't feel like this in a day where like I can create enthusiastically it's really sunny out and I don't want to leave the house even though I should right after my jewelry line launched some pretty dramatic family stuff went down and I think that was that wasn't the cause of the depression but it was like the pushing point it was really bad in December and it's been bad since I don't wanna do anything there is so much guilt that I feel right now like I'm broken I can't do anything I don't want to do anything and I'm on myself for being broken and I'm literally telling a broken person with a leg to get up and block and like I I am that broken person and like I can't it's really hard when like the broken bone is not something you can see I don't even know why I'm crying so much I have a really big decision to make well I just made it that's why I'm filming this a big symptom I guess of depression is feeling no enjoyment and the things that you once found enjoyable and I feel that about editing making videos working so I'm not doing my job I'm doing less of it way less of it that has been really tough to deal with as someone who puts a lot of self-worth into her work more than work the ability for work to give you security or control over your future so money is not as high as it used to be work is not as busy as it used to be and it's not because of anyone's fault except for me that's like so tough for me to handle a brand deal came in it would take care of the rest of my rent for as long as I'm in this apartment so I initially said yes but what this did was it created a source of dread of like Frick I need to get better I felt like every day I was waking up with a ticking Time Bomb of You Gotta Get Better by April you got to get your together by April come on Katie April obviously it's terrifying because no money is gonna come in until I start getting back up and working and making videos and but then if I did say yes to this I just felt like it would be letting money and security tie a leash of chains around my neck and like drag me through the next six months so after like praying about it all day today and yesterday I this said no it just feels so weird to have hit such Rock Bottom that I can't even count on myself to save me this season has shown me how futile that is like I never thought get to this point and I'm just so acutely aware of my inability to save myself or cure myself that the only thing I have left to trust is God when people hear that somebody's been diagnosed with depression you would assume that they're like crying every day sobbing mourning weeping but it's actually more of a crazy numbness a numbness just like an apathy toward everything there is such a constant war in my head of I am so sad and I feel like I have no energy and then there's another voice that's like hurry up and get better hurry up and get up hurry stand up you need to get back to work what are you doing sitting on your butt it's a really annoying and anxious place to be because you're not allowing yourself to rest you're not allowing yourself to get better and because you're just mad at yourself for not healing you can't heal today is the third time I have slept through an appointment because of my freaking depression medication bro my psychiatrist on my dose to 10 milligrams my body cannot handle 10 milligrams today I've slept through my therapy appointment okay I'm just like getting scared like yo what if this medication isn't right for me because that's what my mom has been saying my mom's like I don't know I just feel like it's made you worse and I'm like what if she's right what if I just have to be depressed like I've heard many stories about people just not taking meds because they don't like how they make them feel and you just have to like deal with a depression and I'm like you're telling me that like I might just have I know I'm freaking out but I'm scared that this will never get better this depression is pruning and disarming every single personality trait about myself that I held dear I prided myself on being a really competent person who would never ever dare to miss a meeting and now I am exactly the opposite of all those things [Music] so the antidepressants are working they're working however the drowsiness terrible I'm literally planning my first video I cannot believe that I am getting back to work thinking of the idea of editing a video thinking of even opening the editing software made me want to vomit for the last three months but guess what I did it the old version of me would only be proud of myself if I managed to do something in a superhuman like fashion and if I wasn't then I didn't applaud for myself right now I'm in a state where if I leave the house I applaud that if I do an errand I applaud that my friend was like has it ever occurred to you that because you never celebrated the small wins of your life and you forced yourself to be a superhuman all the time that's what landed you in this season of life where you have to celebrate the small ones and I was like you are correct the past three months have been really scary [Music] but the roots grow deepest in the winters [Music] thank you foreign foreign

Channel: Kaiti Yoo

Views: 724,416

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Id: sQ34NySXEhY

Length: 8min 2sec (482 seconds)

Published: Sun May 07 2023