Anger Is Your Ally: A Mindful Approach to Anger | Juna Mustad | TEDxWabashCollege

[Music] [Applause] you [Applause] an elderly couple are sitting together one evening having dinner the husband takes a deep breath and says honey I'm so sorry for letting out my anger at you so often how do you manage to stay so calm when I explode like that she looks up from her food and says well I always just go and clean the toilet whenever you do that really that helps yes of course it does because I use your toothbrush several of my friends urged me not to start this talk with a lame joke but I had to because there's some gold hidden here I mean how many of you have ever said or done something out of anger that you later regret it yeah that's pretty much every hand yes anger can either be constructive or destructive but a lot of us do unhealthy things with our anger an easy way to think about it is anger is like a child you don't want to let it drive the car and you certainly don't want to stuff it in the trunk either because anger is such an uncomfortable emotion and highly stigmatized we haven't developed the tools to properly relate to and respond from this fiery emotion so most of us channel our anger into one of two main strategies we get hijacked by our anger and end up erupting like when you stub your toe and suddenly you're cursing at the stupid coffee table when we let anger drive the car we can become aggressive name-calling blaming or even violent I affectionately call this group the erupt earth and then there are the stuffers we deny our anger by passing rising above or stuffing it who me angry no I'm just feeling sad when we stuff anger in the trunk we collapse our boundaries stifle our true voice and shove anger deep into our body research has shown that suppressing anger creates a whole host of physiological issues that can be just as detrimental as erupting with our anger like many of you in this room I was an anger stuffer i compulsively shoved my anger in the trunk I did this for over 30 years and then I finally had to face the results of my life a life I had created without anger otherwise known as a life without boundaries or a well-defined sense of self when I finally learned to express my anger in healthy ways my life profoundly changed growing up I was a gold star earning good girl smile be sweet do it right don't rock the boat and make sure everybody likes you sure some of you good boys and girls out here can maybe relate I have an amazing family and when I was younger both my parents had an unhealthy relationship with anger my father was an anger Eruptor and as a child I was terrified of his yelling and I remember vowing never to be angry instead I modeled myself after my mother who was the quintessential good girl and therefore a master anger stuffer for years my good-girl personality served me well but life only lets us get away with coping strategies for so long and then it finally shines the big fat spotlight on our unhealthy patterns my spotlight moment in my 20s I fell madly in love with an incredibly smart and charismatic man and I lost myself I stepped into a psychologically abusive relationship every day my body heart and sexuality were violated he trespassed my boundaries and I let him I did things I didn't want to do in order to maintain the peace and connection it was my choice to stay and it was an incredibly unhealthy choice with big consequences after four years of this I was a shell of a human I was lost as the toxicity grew my anger was unwilling to be contained anymore initially my anger surfaced as tight shoulders neck jaw and then as acid reflux and panic attacks but I ignored these bodily red flags so my anger got louder each day I could feel this red-hot volcanic energy growing within me amounting radiating twisting tension I was petrified after months of enduring this I finally broke up with my partner relieved I thought my anger would leave - nope the excruciating fire continued for eight months I tried every trick in the book to stuff my anger back in the trunk I ate my feelings I tried forgiveness practices I met with shamans in the mountains of Brazil nothing worked and then it happened one morning I was out on a run and I suddenly stopped dead in my tracks fed up and out of options I literally spun around to face my anger I was shocked by what I saw I saw myself I saw my good girl I saw the in congruence in my actions I was more committed to pleasing others than I was to listening to myself finally I realized that my values were out of integrity with my soul standing there on the trail in shock and shaking I asked my anger when it most wanted to tell me and from deep within I heard this fiercely protective voice say stop it yes you were in an abusive relationship and what he did was wrong and will never happen again and it is time for you to stop leaving yourself this time I listened I made significant changes in all areas of my life letting go of friendships changing my job altering how I communicated anger asks us not just to see clearly it needs us to take action and if we don't it hangs around anger is really stubborn as I continue to create a healthier relationship with anger and my boundaries I started to inhabit my body for the first time in my life healing from sexual trauma speaking my truth and taking a stand for my needs and desires and as ironic as it might sound this whole experience of awakening to anger though challenging and messy truly cracked open my heart and I am still very much on this journey I still have an inner good girl shocking I know so ask yourselves how can I make anger my ally well to start we need to understand the neuroscience of anger and to help explain it let's use the hand model of the brain which was developed by author and neuro sight or psychiatrist dr. dan Siegel so everybody go ahead and make a fist your wrist represents your brain stem which controls basic bodily functions lift up your fingers your thumb represents your amygdala and this whole subcortical region is the more emotional and reactive part of the brain you can close your hand the front of your fingers represents your prefrontal cortex and this is the wise and rational part of your brain so when you feel angry it's because the brains hardwired threat response has been triggered by a perceived threat with lightning speed all physiological response is activated in your body preparing you for fight if you're an anger erupt err or flee or freeze if you're an anger stuffer however inside your brain when the threat response is triggered you flip your lid everybody go ahead and lift up your fingers yeah instantly you lose contact with the rational prefrontal cortex and instead the reactive amygdala hijacks your brain you can put your hands down in essence it's like you put your four-year-old self in the driver's seat dangerous so how do we get the adult back in the driver's seat how do we support the wise prefrontal cortex in reclaiming the steering wheel but still allow anger to sit safely inside the car well this is where mindfulness comes in and to quote mindfulness expert dr. Shauna Shapiro mindfulness is paying attention with kindness and curiosity research has shown that mindfulness practices support the growth of the regulatory fibers from the prefrontal cortex to the lower regions of our brain helping our wiser brain to come back online when anger is present or even the threat response over the last decade I've shared mindfulness practices and emotional intelligence with individual clients and companies around the world and the following mindfulness tools are key to growing a healthy relationship with anger just a little disclaimer some of them might seem a little awkward but they really do work breathe let's all take a deep breath right now so this one is so obvious right but it's usually the first thing we forget taking deep breaths engages the parasympathetic nervous system and sends signals to our body that soothe the threat response putting us back into a more relaxed state so when you notice some tension or anger in your body first practice slowing things down by taking deep breaths name it a well-known study conducted at UCLA found that when you name your emotions it puts the brakes on your physiological dysregulation and calms the amygdala hijack so when you notice anger without judgment say I feel angry or I feel tension in my shoulders do it differently when you find yourself erupting with anger try feeling compassion take a deep breath and say I'm hurting right now how can I be kinder to myself and those are me research on compassion indicates that it can decrease cortisol levels the stress hormone and increase the feel-good hormone oxytocin when you find yourself stuffing anger try using your whole body to safely feel it this might sound a little crazy but clench your fists bare your fangs growl say no and don't forget to breathe when you creatively embody anger it can help you begin to resolve past traumas and support you in getting to know your boundaries and finally inquire your anger has been trying to tell you something and it's time to listen with genuine curiosity ask your anger what do I need to see right now that I've been unwilling to face what needs to be protected or supported what action do I need to take right now an easy way to remember these tools when you flip your lid because of anger there are four fingers of your prefrontal cortex that need to come back online breathe name it do it differently inquire so what might our world look like if we started relating to anger in a healthier more constructive way instead of compulsively handing at the keys or stuffing it well when more of us began to see anger as an ally not as a foe we open to the many gifts this emotion offers us when anger is our ally we see this emotion as the flashing red warning light for the things that we or others are trespassing anger reveals our boundaries when we begin to own anger in our body we can start to thaw the parts of ourselves that have been locked and frozen in trauma anger heals trauma and finally anger urges us to come out of denial and see clearly but we can't just stop there anger hangs around until we take action on what we see anger inspires action there's a lot of chaos in our world right now our country is more polarized than ever before people are waking up to widespread inequality and injustice our natural environment is being destroyed people are angry with all the great challenges humans are going to continue to face just imagine what it might look like if so many more of us were in healthy relationship with our anger exercising our power wisely and channeling this vital energy towards improving our lives and the world around us so the next time you feel angry will you pause take a deep breath and get to know this potent Ally thank you you

Channel: TEDx Talks

Views: 714,545

Keywords: TEDxTalks, English, Health, Body, Emotions, Happiness, Mental health, Mindfulness

Id: sbVBsrNnBy8

Length: 17min 22sec (1042 seconds)

Published: Mon May 20 2019