The Stuff You Need to Be Considered a Real Adult (feat. Judy Gold) - You Up w/ Nikki Glaser

this is Amber's Olaf because this guy got on Zoloft and everything is changed but do you bathe ah yes I bathe I brush I wash my hands I wipe my own ass still back-to-front okay underwear like skidmark I have so much underwear I have 40 pairs on underwear they're always clean I'm ready to go you come over you sit on my face i dry jerk what no one needed that part I used to be terrified of getting abducted by aliens and nuclear war yeah so did you have kids did you deal with your kids being scared at night irrational things when they when they figured out death it's like oh I feel like you know you're not gonna die oh wow you just lied yeah I mean you're gonna die I love that they were fearing death like these essential things yeah that was monsters under yeah no yeah but isn't that what the monsters and then I had to leave the door open oh I had to make sure the door was locked because they were like one of them was like I don't want someone to come in here I'm like no one's coming in here believe me actually would soothe me if my parents were like no one was right they're not gonna break it exactly I'm very honest with them I needed someone to just go Dicky this is stupid they would just yeah I remember babysitting for the Apatow kids and one of the mod iris the younger one was scared of monsters and so mod one night was like let's get the spray and I was like what's the strain she's like we'll spray the monster spray she went around the perimeter of IRA oh my god sprayed the spray and iris was able to like be alone in a room and go to sleep I was like that's brilliant as if imaginary spray I was just like water hitting did you know last time and I wanted to know if there was an actual spray bottle I was afraid of Freddy Krueger yeah yeah in my dreams all the time reality in knife hands oh my god in your dream yeah wow he really well that's what they that was his whole thing so he'd get you at night when you sleep and I would always see him I'd scream in the middle of night and then he wasn't there he was cheating but yeah [Music] I wrote a note about it you want to read it okay no so I am yeah and I would I would sleep in my parents and then one time I came in and there butt naked no I was like I'd rather deal with fresh dad's dick you know and but yeah I was freaked out I remember they told me like think of anything else and so I would dream a baseball we can't go baseball baseball and then Freddie would be to catch her you know what I mean I tried like grounding just like with his [ __ ] knife hands I think everyone was like our age Freddie Nightmare on Elm Street yeah it was like it just sounds so cliche that he would be in your dream right I've never had a scare it was yeah it was my bad I'm sorry that's sorry I didn't think of another monster my own I just feel like dreams are so rarely what we see in movies that nightmares are like nightmares and movies are always like a monster is amazing this is like nightmares are never that it's usually like you're like paralyzed and you can't make it to like your finals exam and it's in your middle school right and you're like it's always something very convoluted not just like and then the pitcher was yeah I'm sorry [ __ ] like David wrote your dream you worried about nuclear warfare I didn't think about that [ __ ] at eight yeah I was too stupid to [ __ ] think about [ __ ] atoms or whatever is in there I don't know what's in there do we know neutrons there you go yeah protons I don't know what it bounces around till it blows up it's one atom that splits is it I can get scared now yeah I think so I sleep on your couch is when you put a queen-size mattress box ring on top of the mattress that's bad Judy only has one glass in his house just a bunch of bowls so I know are you kidding yeah you gotta help in he had a woman spend the night the other night and in his bed and after they were done having sex she was like can I get some water and he went to the kitchen had no cups so he brought her a bowl of water no you're [ __ ] kidding me with edges is that true yeah one cup I had it was a mug I don't know isn't a bowl a mug yeah a handle it's the same thing no yeah it's a wide mug no it is like a Fred's mug seen more friend from that woman again yes funny but she didn't drink out of it and she said I'm not a [ __ ] cat how long lived there and I said six years and she was not she was like are you [ __ ] kidding me absolutely getting it together you can go get cops what's the look one of the first thing I know day one you put the cups in I get it just got a like his life together hits it's a Venice Lowe thing that is so loft about how long ago about a year ago for seven months I think it's been a year don't you think your name is Olaf made me throw up yeah is that a good thing or bad now I owe my god lexapro ruin my rum store yeah I'm on lexapro [ __ ] my stomach oh I am now on I was on paxil but I gained so much weight so the doctor was like you have to get off so now I'm on luvox okay with a little bit of good yes orgasm yeah that's why I take it so I can [ __ ] have an orgasm really like that word you can't have the [ __ ] work and you guys think you're gonna have it and it does and I'm like yeah I get that Thanks ya know you got to take the wellbutrin I know that's what they tell me but my doctor won't give it to me why because you know glasses to [ __ ] take it with ya that's a good boy like what would you wash it down with Oh a bowl you don't need that much water was like a full set of yeah yeah tres that was the problem you were yeah I did everything for me you know I had a housekeeper yes so he didn't learn any like skills where I grow up yeah Port Saint Lucie Florida yeah my dad's from New York my mom's from Chicago okay wait a minute did the housekeeper live at the house no but she was there a lot she was a lot my mom wasn't really his dad was gone his mom was in her bedroom like depressed depressed Jewish mm-hmm yeah so no one was only taking care of him what about kids the other siblings oh they're they got cops yeah they're doing great yeah are you the youngest middle overlooked I guess I mean I'll put it on me I should get cops I mean it's not hard I've got a bed the next day after the metal incident yeah you know there's gotta be something with the cops did you have a cup incident or no there was no leg no cop said it hated me he buys like plastic bottles like he doesn't drink out of yeah I guess timeless he just doesn't need me I don't want to clean a cup maybe I should get Solo cups is that worse yes all right fine I'll get a reusable cup how many cups does a man need okay wait you have a roommate and you still don't have cause she's kind on the same level yeah they're both a little sick why don't you buy four glasses okay the dollars no one's concern but Judy tell her what tell her what your room looks like what what other things are in your room I have a bed with a queen yeah yeah and then I have six plastic containers from Target where my clothes where I could see it doesn't have furniture he just has stopped saying so you can see them it's because you didn't want to log an actual dresser and pay you an actual dresser yeah bring it up to your apartment yeah Tupperware is easier to carry that's why you have it not because you like to see your clothes also you could drink out of the Tupperware it's like a shelving unit from my god I know she has to pay me more that it no I don't think that's it it's not on me it's on me I should be alive they are how many been to your apartment no right now my dad came one time and I told him I lived on the fifth floor so he wouldn't walk up you luck yeah I lied to him because I live on the second floor he's like I'd like to see your place I was like dad I did it for a little while oh he didn't work no I'm good I'll get cups and I'll show you and I'll send you texts 2020 goals have dad over I'll get cups Delos and pill okay it's a she I buy new ones every couple months because I don't he doesn't watch and then you buy and what you're just feeling a landfill sheets yeah why don't you wash okay cuz they're big I don't know man no Mike then I gotta do multiple laundries man I'll start doing it though that's a new jeans DS yeah I mean thank you for asking that I've been doing what I've been doing clothes wash lately I have a frickin well I have a bag of a laundry bag now okay you have a and you have no cups and you have a launch I'm gonna get [ __ ] cups today I promise you I promise everyone else you send me a photo I swear to God what kind of Cup should I get what are the best color glasses glasses for months and the roommate doesn't [ __ ] give a [ __ ] about the no cops no she drinks she gets coke bottles she drinks what does she do for a living she's a comment she is yeah but she does well now she has a real job like she's a copywriter kind of person okay yeah but we have a living room now and setup and what's in it it kind of looks like a garage it has an outdoor feel yes we have a couch and we have a freakin leather laser we believe what he has come from before when I first met him two years ago Judy it was insane what a mess this guy was mason has saved me what did your apartment look like the day I met you you think I look like bomb went off I don't know everything was everywhere everywhere your sheets covered how long do you think you went without washing your sheets back in the day yeah what's the longest you've gone I flip my sheets you turn them over yell at me growing up I don't know I didn't have it but now I'm good how long do you think was the longest she went without washing your sheets and B honestly I honestly don't know maybe a couple of years a couple years I don't know man it was there sheet eight through your [ __ ] mattress and not a mouth can I tell you an example of how gross he used to be the master on my guitar talked about when you um when you stayed with a friend in a hotel room oh and he thought my clothes were a homeless man yeah so his friend knew that he was staying with Andrew he came to the hotel room but Andrew wasn't there but he saw a bag and instead of thinking it was Andrews bag because it was so disgusting and the clothing inside was so gross this guy convinced himself that a homeless man had accidentally stopped by the room dropped a bag so his friend took the bag and threw it in the hallway cuz he was like this room snuck in here and left his stuff so Andrew comes back to the hotel room sees his bag in the hallway and it's like what is going on and his friend thought yeah what was tied to a stick shoe up with Nikki Glaser happy to be here today on this lovely Wednesday in studio with three of just people I love Judy gold is a new friend of mine it's she's someone I've known forever and always wanted to know and was intimidated by and she's like the [ __ ] best to be so scared of her you ingest Kirsten I've always just been like I what I like want them to I want to know them but they're just so funny and so like larger than life and like I just I want to stay away until they come to me and boy have you ever and I just feel so close to you and I just I love you you're so warm and sweet I just used to think you were just a ball busting like I used to watch you a tough crowd I think and just was like so intimidated but and I still am like Judy so Judy gold is here you can check out her podcast kill me now available on iTunes have to do my podcast oh please I would love to I really would Andrew Colin is here he has a podcast called puddles that comes out every Tuesday puddles with Andrew Colin you can also get thongs that he's selling in his merch store petals merchandise song very dirty wait you flip them in and out all right I have one last question go bring it towels what about them like bath towels there's no way you're wash did you wash the bath towel you're not gonna believe this but I've been washing them I went and bought four new towels when I got the robber maids and then I [ __ ] I hang them up every time on the door I bought a door thing thanks dude yeah I'll tell you when things are done okay what how without washing it the bath towel I mean this is the old Andrew and new in the old Andrew I mean I've had towels for years yeah I'm a new man yeah he used to be really pretty gross one of my towels I'm pretty good too though if like I I also had a mom that did everything for me so we're going to learn how to clean or take care of myself and so I've been pretty disgusting too at times whenever I you kind of like to clean your act up - yeah when you start seeing someone Anja Marina is also here she's come over there's no way oh yeah I was really messy I think when I quit drinking I started channeling all my obsessive energy into club oh my god when I stopped eating when I was anorexic I would clean constantly my mom [ __ ] loved it for the first time in my life my room was spotless I was dying in front of her but you would never recognize who I was during that period of my life I was organized I was clean I got win win save money just channel it like you said like I stopped doing sort of thing holding things like a crazy person have you watched the Marie Kondo show on Netflix that's a hang-up oh my god it's a game-changer you'll want to spring clean your whole house organize everything your towels will be perfectly stacked I did Nicky's I helped her when she moved in I organized her laundry closet I stood there for 20 minutes staring at all my perfectly folded towels and I almost 20 minutes yeah I was just like here's the thing when you first get clean write anything you get this big high because everything's Marie Kondo to everything from order sustaining it that's the boring part I mean it's like with anything yeah you know I mean like it's just I'm fascinated by you it is he is fascinating yes he never had a girlfriend he didn't have a girlfriend yeah [ __ ] you yeah yeah I [ __ ] sometimes but not away games not much I wouldn't bring him home because of my room yeah but now my rooms clean things are in order and I'm gay yeah whenever you had sex we were talking about the other night about like who's a person you've slept with that you were just like oh my god it's like the hottest person been with and you were like I don't remember because all the sex you had was drunk right yeah yeah a lot of that was yes ex where I wasn't even hard and it was just sad but now I'm hard as a rock okay okay so if you're not hard yeah what am i doing can you stick it in still no you just I mean you get your heart at the beginning most whiskey-dick it's it happens about three minutes in you're hard and then you just so you can't go in and then turn flaccid yeah and pull it out yeah a soft dick on a soft [ __ ] I guess you could yeah he really was like excited about this new move he stumbled upon in bad words wait I'm on the side and she's on her back forward and I'm coming in in a way that I'm so far away from her I was always afraid to have sex where you're just yeah yeah where your head is literally five feet away from them because it just feels like you're disconnected from them yeah and you feel like it's too much of a porn move because you don't feel but you know now I'm down you like to be face-to-face and looking into their eyes yeah I just want to look deep in their eyes you like to make eye contact during sex no yeah darker the better yeah he likes to be pushed to face yeah he really does it's not a bad thing that's his favorite thing Julie I just I can't thank you for his face yeah Turks off with no lotion just dry but now that you own a whiskey dick no that that's not a problem no you okay I oh sorry over it yeah go ahead I think I had a question so if you're jerking off Karl's sitting on your face would you wash those sheets afterwards no he's you have [ __ ] stains on your sheets yeah but my oh I don't know about that I clean it up we get a towel there's nothing that gets on the sheet you wash your sheets every time you [ __ ] no but I there you go once a week okay yeah that's fine too Pratt he was depressed Judy what depressed people don't I mean their [ __ ] I mean like when you're depressed Wow does it look I can't even leave the house yeah do it like if you ever do that wouldn't it be a little bit harder Nicole yeah yeah to get it together it's like so we have a laundry thing but it's like [ __ ] five bucks and they only take quarters you know stay what bucks and I only took four tires I wake over the dead mouth and you're busy none oh wow you should see my apartment right now it's a [ __ ] nightmare it's such a mess it's just stuff everywhere forget it I'm gonna depressed right now so you got to see my kid's room it's so fun yeah I'm gonna show you a picture yeah I mean it's so bad what do you say yell at him now later at 25 my my room was so disgusting and it still is when I go back for Christmas and stay with my parents if I stay don't Andrew you this weekend had to run back to my hotel room yeah for an hour and I had to send him back to go get some posters I had forgotten and I was so humiliated just have Andrew call and even see the state of room oh my god oh let's see that might be worth with you that is a hoarder actually he's like I don't have any room for my clothes I'm like how about the claws how about the Rubbermaid I have some clothes in the closet so he can't I can't it's [ __ ] and I just closed the door and I don't even go battle with my mom my entire China tell him to clean it de-yummy oh I don't work obviously and Judy I now see why you are so triggered by Andrew : he's just your son maybe don't yell at him whisper like John these I've tried I've tried everything I've done me you know the text of you know I really love you blah blah blah it's just really upsetting you know but it's just nothing know what's gonna work I don't I've tried I've tried the yelling I closed the door I'm like II need you to get anorexia the only thing that works for me but you know what work you know what works is like he's just gonna have to learn it on his own it's never when my mom used to just yell at me about it and always be so disappointed and and always take the loving approach like I love you and I this is upsetting to me nothing worked the only thing that worked was me becoming an adult and having to face it and hit a bottom with it where I'm like I can't have people over I got a light of my friend without my living situation so that they don't want to come over because I'm so ashamed and then you get to a bottom of like I don't want to be this person right he's gotta hit a bottom women over shaming people into chairs it works yeah that does work cuz the girlfriend because he go there she is always like um Henry you have to clean this route like you gotta cut but then they still both elbows they're not allowed in the room anymore go get a hotel pay for it with your own money and then he'll hit bottom that could be good or throw everything away be like I throw it away can you have if you don't treat yourself nice my mom used to always say that you don't deserve nice things because you trash everything you have everything guys they don't care about things you don't yeah they just think they can be replaced because they know that you're gonna be there and the gotta throw mad at a house yep or give them an intervention maybe us five will go over there yeah I get scared to have kids left did you ever what was like when you decided to have kids like you you obviously knew people that bitched about their teenage and all this stuff and you go you know I hear this and I go well when I have a tease and I probably am NOT gonna have this situation but of course I'm going to oh I hate when people have babies and they're like and I want my baby my baby's gonna have a there and I'm like you don't know what that you don't well it's gonna happen yeah but you don't know that until you know that yeah you know what I mean so it's like I was like oh my kids never you know cuz so many people will criticize someone else's parenting but you just don't [ __ ] know you don't know oh yeah I think I would love to have you as a mom how old were you when you had your first child 34 and you knew see perfect neck it's time um I don't know 33 34 how old is the other one 18 he's 6 8 or 6 9 what yeah six a Jew yeah he's playing gonna play college basketball oh my god yeah his room clean it's this he shares it well he's a prep school and he's a slob - but he'll he'll clean up my fixator sink hotels Europe that's not my husband I'm a lessee I used an anonymous sperm donor yeah six three okay good choice I know yeah did you ever have a moment where you regretted the being a mom no same sperm for both now she it took her so long to get pregnant that we used up all this guy sperm and then when I was ready to have give birth we I guess they asked him if will you donate again and he said no so now I we use different sperm yeah my ex had one and I had one I love that are the eggs the same person different no oh right yeah so yours is six eight no they're both by Judy did you guys is that always the plan yeah we would each have one oh my god because usually an assignment thing usually but a lot of times in lesbian relationships it's just one yeah that's so cool yeah we each had one I wish my husband could have one right yeah well if you marry taking yeah yeah that's what I could do yeah I'm not opposed to that no yeah all right or just get a surrogate to carry it that's so cheap it's so cheap it's affordable to get a surrogate she could afford that do IV or whatever get impregnate the it's only if like what 20 grand a hundred grand yeah that's a big difference twenty or hundred not to Nikki she's a gazillionaire now not true but I am at a point where I could do that but I just I feel like you'd want to have it you know the girl that blows my mind what a good thing what do you mean that you could put an egg in someone else and then yeah nothing gets in her from the other lady do you mean nothing gets in or from the other lady have you ever seen my special perfect yeah seriously it's talking about like I didn't know that that why doesn't everyone do that yeah why just can give someone else and make it why wouldn't you do that so why don't people um because of the money it cost a lot it cost a lot don't wait to be pregnant is it oh my god you loved it I loved it botique step back give me that yeah I got a little bad when you're talking I'm serious like what oh my god 35 well no I think it's been a while since 18 years so it did snap back and then I you know went through menopause in my antidepressants but anyway was like euphoric it was like the first time all my like I felt balanced and I didn't need an Tide I was like oh this is what normal people feel like I really was like oh this is how normal people that's what yeah inside a depression a DD and OCD feel yes it was amazing it was happy every day you feel great in your body I just was content hmm I felt like my body had a purpose yeah I don't know what was amazing yeah until I finished breastfeeding then after that I went back to the [ __ ] [ __ ] I'm like I'm considering it like for the first time in my life I'm like well maybe I do want kids just because I'm like looking at it's good I can record it you know I've always wanted to get to a place where it's like I would be able to afford nannies and ever you know sending up for laundry how do you get a surrogate is there a website like how do you find one yes Amazon sure [Music] or that from the first thing but you know what's so good about it it takes you out of yourself like it's you're not the most important [ __ ] thing you know and and like there were so many times where I had my day plant and then it would be like hi it's Judy the nurse not an emergency but so and so sick and you're like okay well this will have to happen another day you know it puts things into perspective that's a good point I really was feeling that other day I'm like I'm sick of myself right it's so annoying it's like you're I have all these things and then sometimes it takes me something outside of myself to get over my like I I'm just like I'm tired of all of my hang-ups and I'm like I feel like some of them I'll get it together like I'll I'll clean my room when I get a boyfriend like I started cleaning my room when I had a job and I had friends and accountability right I need some [ __ ] I need the next accountability which is like being a mother and it's also like you cannot buy remember telling this to Geraldo when when Mary Ann was pregnant he's like I'm too nervous I said you you're not even gonna believe how much you love like you can't even imagine your capacity for love yeah on believable I and you're creating a person who has like good values and gonna carry on your legacy I'm so turned on by and just but like inspired by good dads recently to like I just and and the love a parent can have like after watching all this footage of Kobe I know I'm just like I want to feel that way about someone and something the way he smiles when he talks about having girls the way that it's just like that I want to feel bright about something and I'd I've never I mean I've had dogs and stuff but it's just isn't and also scared of love I am the happiest when I'm hanging out with them yeah I mean we could be talk about your sons all of the time and I'd love that your your tone shifts you become there's just there's a pep in your step yeah I see it I mean I really like look at you as an example of someone I would mother like I would like to be the way you talk about your son you love them it's only through love your with showing pictures and these are adults male children like there's no need to be this enthusiastic but that's how that's how much you love them and it just uh you really are I'm saying like oh you're someone who's made me think about it a little bit more recently just as a female stand-up and right cuz I I was always put it off now my career my career my career and you could there's always an excuse not to do it i but it and I didn't even want to do it like I my ex was like okay we're doing it now or [ __ ] whatever and it's the greatest I can't even tell you split up was it difficult Oh horrible and now you're with someone new yeah 13 years yeah the card oh my god I love that story of you walking into the bar the first night you met your stupid coat girl yeah she's not a girl she's 58 years old better you date girls yeah you take girls and don't wash your sheets I had I had my mother's mink coat on because like you're like sing go out on town I was doing a show and then we went to Joe Allen's and I walked in and you know you know they have that plastic up when it's freezing calm right harmony no it was a Time Out New York did this Valentine's Day issue which was the 20 most eligible singles in New York and I was one of the singles and she showed you an email right okay yes yes and then we met at Joe Allen's shoot and you right away skirt on oh my god she was so cute and now all we do is fight Oh Plus that's the greatest thing is to give your kid a sense of humor yes to see that yes like and they make you let like they [ __ ] crack me up okay I'm good I'm so low it's it's it's nurture not nature nature but I put my comments another guy then he could be someone else just wait you're gonna budge is in a guy what and he's gonna come in your jazz into someone else well he doesn't have a cup to put it in I remember when I took sex class with my best friend Kirsten in like fifth grade we maybe said he was the janitor of the male reproductive system is the vas deferens and my friend Carson was like mr. Moy and like was mr. Mohr was our janitor but he had no teeth so he would say mr. Moy what legs was how he talked to mr. Moy and then we couldn't stop laughing because we pictured the vas deferens wait what is that deference oh you've never heard of what a vas deferens no I think you are we don't and we know what that is yeah I think he has more than one dozen janitor of the male reproductive system it actually shuts off your I think it shuts off your pee when you come so that you don't get pee and your [ __ ] that's what isn't in your balls is it in his balls would you shave would you wash your sheets it depends thank you so much for watching that clip that you just watched did you enjoy it I hope you did if you did thumbs up it why don't you subscribe why don't you just keep watching more videos let them play share with your friends go share on your Instagram story go just have a great day

Channel: You Up with Nikki Glaser

Views: 139,329

Keywords: Nikki Glaser, You Up with Nikki Glaser, You Up, comedy central, Nikki Glaser radio show, Sirius radio, nikki glaser, Sirius, Nikki glaser show, funny talk show, talk show, celebrities, interview, fears, house, guests, bed, bedroom, cups, Zoloft, anti-depressants, medication, clean, Cleaning, cleanliness, Apartment, funny, comedy, comedy show, funny video, comedy videos, comedian, comedians, entertainment, comedy central radio, siriusxm

Id: wqYSqY0IOnU

Length: 36min 9sec (2169 seconds)

Published: Tue Feb 18 2020