- My dad, I don't know he's
got a very small penis. - [Daniel] Does he? - Yeah, I remember taking a
shower, you know when you're a kid taking a shower--- - And usually your dad's
supposed to look huge just based on the fact--- - No, no--- - Just based on the
fact that you're small. - Even as a five year old, I was like, why do I have a bigger dick than you? - Even though his father was
there his dick still looked far away. - Oh that's so sad to know about your dad. Was it weird? - Yeah it's bad. Well, me and Yannis, Yannis Pappas is one of my best friends we have our podcast History Hyenas, and we bond over that, like his dad has a little dick too. - [Nikki] Oh my God. - It's like something that we both know it's like wow, why do our dads have such small dicks? - My dads fucking hung like a horse. - [Nikki] Really? - And that is hereditary. - Yeah, goddamn - Bang - [Nikki] Oh my god. - I don't even want to
think about my dads-- - My mom has big nipples and I got them - I did find out on my show - Yeah I got my moms nips - No way. - You got your moms dick
as well by the size of it. - Yeah I did. It's pretty cool. - Good for you man. - It's adorable. (upbeat rock and roll) - And we're back it's
You Up with Nikki Glaser. Full studio right now, we've got Chris Distefano - Mhmm, what up girl? - [Nikki] What up? - I would get you foot
inserts for Valentines Day, that's what I would get you. - That's so nice! - [Chris] Or I would get
you like a treatment for you pronation, because
that's what you said you suffered from, right? - Not anymore though. It would get--- - I just want to touch your feet. I'm just trying to say it publicly, in not a creepy way, I
would just like to touch your feet for Valentines Day. - No you don't! - No, I do - [ Nikki] I've got some gnarly feet - Girl, you haven't seen anything until you see my puppies. - [Nikki] Really? Really?
Oh let's have a foot off. - Oh, it's disgusting. Like Golem from Lord of the Rings - Mine are so gross. I would never take out my foot. I would rather get, like my feet right now are so gross I should
have gotten a pedicure yesterday - But like when you, - [Nikki] because I would
love to bring them out. I know that's how you feel, but like when you popped
them out on your Comedy Central show, I pressed pause. - [Nikki] (laughs) - [Chris] I did! - Dude! That was the
grossest picture ever! - I didn't think so. - Oh my god, you like me for me. - You know what I think it is? Because I think it depends on like, what was like forming in
your brain as whatever-- - Yeah, something happened with feet. - My mom and my aunts feet are like, hideously disgusting. - So, you like a mom foot. - Yeah, I don't mind it. - I keep saying that. Well, let me just intro
the rest of the room. Andrew Collin is here, don't forget it puddle boy,
and then we have Daniel Sloss in studio, comedian Daniel Sloss, I'm excited to have you here, I've watched all your Conans, I'm well aware of you from that. You've a two hour special
out now on Netflix, two separate hours in one batch, - [Daniel] Yeah. - On Netflix currently
called, Dark and Jigsaw - Yeah. - [Nikki] So, one's called Dark, one's called Jigsaw. - [Daniel] Yeah. - What's difference between these two? - One's about my dead sister, and one's about ended at 75 marriages. - [Chris] Hilarious. - Wait, one's what? - One is about my dead sister, and the other one it
has ended 75 marriages, and 20,000 relationships. - Wait, what do you mean? - The show has caused 20,000 breakups, and I'm being cited in 75
separate divorce papers. - What?! - [Chris] Oh Shit! - Wait! What? How? That's awesome! - [Chris] That's awesome! - Wait, okay can you,
(fumbles) That's crazy. Why? Can you give me a short answer? - Yeah, it's my opinions on love, and my opinions on love are correct. - Oh my god, let's get into it. What are your opinions on love? - I think we have romanticized
the idea of romance, and I think it's cancerous, I think people are so desperate to get into relationships that they're willing to
settle for just something, because we'd rather have
something than nothing, and when you're raised in a
world of Disney princesses and princes you sit there and go, If I'm not in a relationship I'm a broken human being, and I hate people in relationships that brag about their
relationships as if they're more secure than I am in
themselves when they're - Good - Not because you never
learned how to love yourself, so you employed someone
else to do it for you. - Fuck yeah dude! - Yes! - [Chris] I love it. First of all, number one
I feel like your Scotish me. - Yeah. - I feel like you and I, you're from Scotland right? - I'm not into feet though. - You're not into feet? - No - Well, no but when I - I mean, I'll suck a to I'm not like a--- - Yeah, but you didn't
have a weird childhood foot thing happen. - No. - Everyone wants their mom. Do you agree on that? That's my theory is that
when a guy rejects you, my friends always go, you know like he said he didn't want to be in a relationship, and now he's dating this girl, and she's not even as cute as me, she's not as funny, and I go, yeah because
he's looking for his mom, and she's like, but
she's not funny or cute, and I'm like neither is his mom. His mom is not funny or cute, and he finally found her
don't you think there's some truth to that? - Sure, I'll only like a
girl if she'll fuck my dad. (laughter) - That's awesome. - So, nothing like your mom. (laughter) - Yeah, I had a kid, like with a women that I barley knew like, second, third date in got
pregnant we had a child, and before I had that, I was like the opposite
of what you just said. I was like, oh I want a wife, and I want this, but now that I have a
child I kind of understand what like the real love towards her is. I'm with you where I'm like, I feel like some of my closest friends, I knew when one of my
friends was getting married I'm like you're just doing
this because you think you have to do this because everyone in the neighborhood is getting married, and I'm like, and I
wouldn't say this to her, I'm like this isn't
going to work in my head, you're just trying to
follow some trend right now, you don't really love this guy. - Yeah. - I just went and had fun at the wedding, and now they're divorced. So, I'm like, you see, I knew that this was going to happen. It wasn't real none of it was real, you're just, you're just a follower. - We do it emulate the rest of society, and when the rest of society
is in a relationship, and that's the pressure
that the rest of the world puts on you. Nobody talks about how
shit their relationship actually is. - Yeah. - Because we live in the
Instagram generation of, Me and this one going for coffee, climbing a goddamn fucking hill together. You're like, oh my god Sarah loves John, and John's a dick. So, therefore, it must be worth it to stay in this relationship with this terrible fucking human being, and then you just end up banging someone, and they make you cum, and you're like fucking this will do. - Yep. - [Daniel] This is me forever. - Because marriage it's kind of like an archaic principle anyway. You only used to know the
people in your village when marriage was a thing, it was a business decision. - And also, all of our
grandfathers were stalkers. Every single one of our grand
fathers every story is always: So, your gran didn't like me at first, and then I wore her down, you're like, gee she's
not a fucking horse, what are you talking about? - Yeah. I agree man. - [Nikki] It is, but there, okay I've always been on like this, marriage is an archaic thing, and I don't need it, and it's bound to fail, you change too much to
be with someone forever, but then I do see marriages
where it looks like, there are some good ones, but they're few and far between. - Yeah, yeah, I'm not
against relationships, and I'm not against true love, what I am against is people getting into fucking relationships because
they feel they have to. Like I do believe, I want to get married, and I want to have kids, I know that for a fact. But, I'm not gonna fucking
jam the first person that walks into my goddamn
life into that place. I'm not going to force it to happen, and I believe that 90%
of relationships are - [Chris] I agree - People that force
these things to happen, and that's why the
divorce rate is so high, and I know it's true because my show, when I say this opinion, has caused 20,000 fucking breakups. I know I'm right. - Great. - What do you think the secret
is to a good marriage though? - Love yourself-- - You love yourself, that is essential. - Yeah because otherwise
if you don't love yourself, you're going to employ
someone else to fucking do it for you. - Or you're going to pick
someone who doesn't really love you either because
if you don't love yourself you can't love someone
who actually loves you because you're gonna be like, you have bad taste. You're not going to really trust them. - Yeah, you don't respect them. Just like how could you possibly
fuck me on a regular basis? - Yeah, you have to love
yourself, (fumbles), yeah, I don't know. - Also, I think curiosity man. I think when you're in your twenties, shag fucking everything, right? Curiosity is the number
one cause of divorce. I reckon, you sit there,
people get married too young, and then they get to 28 or 30, and they go fuck, What if I was single? What if I was single? I reckon I'd get so much pussy or dick, and you wouldn't, but you don't know that because you've got married when you were fucking 19. - And I think it happens
naturally because 20s, even like early 30s, I was like that, Just, whatever I just
wanna get with girls, I wanna have sex, sex, sex, whatever. But now I'm 34, now I'm
like I don't want to just keep hooking up with women, because I don't want to get mono. I just don't want to get sick. - I'm sorry, your biggest,
the STD you're most scared of is the fucking kissing disease. - Mononucleosis. Absolutley - [Nikki] He just makes-out. - [Andrew] And athlete's
foot, he hates athlete's foot. - [Daniel] You don't
get mono if you eat ass, that's the secret. - Hey, I don't know about that, you could it depends. - Jigsaw though, is the one
that people have cited in their divorce papers. - Yeah I've got somebody come into my show in New York next week, and she's bringing her divorce papers because I want to get photos of it because people genuinely question, are you making these up. - That's dope. - And I'm like no, no, no. This is all true. - I feel like, I've had
couples like breakup--- oh, you know what? Couples bang after my shows. There's a lot of anal
that's been happening from my comedy, and like banging, but I also think I make
people look at their significant other, and kinda go, what's going--
it's nice raise those--- - You know what's interesting? There was a girl who went
to your show last night, I guess you did the Cellar
last night, you did? - [Nikki] Yeah. - She DM'd me at like 2am she's like, just saw Nikki's show are you up? So... - What? - Yeah so she was just like you know? - She was horned up. - [Chris] So you made
somebody horny, yeah. - Dude, I swear to God
I make people horny, and it's not my intention, but if you're talking about sex, and I'm telling guys like what to do, and so I think they want
to go home and like do it. - [Chris] Yes. - [Daniel] Yeah, yeah,
it's like the life lesson they go, I'm gonna go home, and take this new knowledge
that I've gathered, and absolutely take it home-- - It's pretty much a TED
talk at this point in my act, and I don't care, it's like
I do it in a funny way, but like people are learning stuff, and it sounds like people
are learning stuff from this. - Absolutely, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, and also there's other things as well, there's I talk about
shaving your ass in my show. Not a lot of people know. - Oh right, wait what, you're for it? - For it, yeah, absolutely. Like nobody wants to
look at a hairy ass hole. - [Nikki] It's the easiest
thing to shave dude. - I've never, I've never
done anything with the ass, I've never received any
ass stuff or given any ass stuff to the woman. - Man, get a digit up the
shit, it's fucking the best. - I gotta do it? Yeah alright, I'm in. - It does, like, it
does feel pretty great. - I just don't have a good asshole for it. - [Chris] I just feel
like it's a nightmare. - [Daniel] It's self care. - No, I know-- - No, he has, he has a lot of ass issues. - [Daniel] I will shave
your fucking asshole. Nothing gay about it. I absolutely will. I'll be graceful. But like with a close shave razor, like the Turkish barber sort of thing. - [Andrew] Yeah, yeah,
yeah. Like a bowling ball? - [Nikki] If women, I would
love to grow out the front, and have nothing in back, because the back it doesn't
even hurt to remove like, that part of getting your--- - Like the opposite of a mullet kind of - Vagina waxed is the best part - You know when you get in, and you get a complete waxing Jen? - [Jen] Yes. - Okay, the front part
hurts so much, it's the, - [Jen] Yeah - It's the, I mean I've stopped
doing it because it's like, I'm subjecting myself to
the worst pain imaginable, and I get stressed before, and after, and I hate it, but the best part is when she's like, can you bend over and I'm like, Oh yeah! Let's get back there. It's like, you don't even feel it at that point. For some reason it's
much more enjoyable an experience back there, - [Jen] Yes. - Than the front. - And how long does the
Brazilian last? What are you--- - How long is a piece of string? - A week and a half before it's - A week and half though
you're doing this pain for a week and a half. - I personally like a bush. Personally I don't mind hair-- - A full bush? - I don't know, I've
just never thought one--- like once I'm in the mode
sexually I just don't care-- - Exactly. (chatter) - [Daniel] I don't want a mustache. - You want a buffer. - [Daniel] I'm just not
used to facial hair. - I get not like, like
it would be preferable if we were all had no
hair because hair is like, it's not ideal, but like... - What's the point of pubic
hair, I guess there's--- - It keeps, insects, so if you feel the bugs getting in, and warm - [Andrew] Warm, warmth - But, why's it not on
the rest of my dick then? That makes no sense, like my bellend's not fucking hairy. - [Nikki] That's a good point. - [Andrew] Speak for yourself. - Is that why you all get
circumcised over here? - Oh yeah, yeah that's a...
It looks a little cuter. - Oh yeah. - You look like you have a cute piece. - It's very cute. That's
exactly how I would describe my dick. It's adorable. - Yeah so when they say, aww
it's like a Disney character, it's got like--- - It's a good look it's just not (mumbles) - Yeah, put googly eyes
on it occasionally. - [Nikki] It's not what? - It's not filling really. (laughter) I'm not a grower or a shower really so, - No, I would say you have
a nice, average size, good piece. - Thank you, I appreciate that. - Nothing wild about it.
Is it me? I'm just about six-seven, it's just fine. - Six-seven? - It's just fine. - [Chris] Maybe, maybe six, I don't know - Between six and seven
is a very big difference. - You know what my cross to bare is? So, I have an over active Cowper's gland. - [Nikki] Yeah - It makes sperm, so like, I--- - Have huge loads? - I have huge loads, but it takes a while to rejuvenate so, my doctor once told me, I'm a perfect guy if a
woman wants to have children because I have a lot of sperm per load. But if they're just looking to have-- - Are you like filling
her up like a fucking cream pudding? Just coming out of her eyes
like that bit in Wolverine. - But like in your situation
with like the Texas lesbians, I'm not the right guy because I can't have, like if I have sex once, I can't have sex now again for a few days. - Wow - But, if you're looking to have a baby, I can get you pregnant every shot. - [Nikki] Right - [Andrew] Wait, you
can't cum more than once every couple days? - [Daniel] It's a numbers game. - Well, I can, but it (fumbles), I certainly can't have sex twice in a day. But I really never could. - [Andrew] This guy came
twice on a plane in a hour. - I know - [Chris] I know. - [Daniel] It's the sequel
to Snakes on a Plane - Maybe you can't have kids. - But, that's my cross to bare with shit. - It's that you need a couple days buffer before you're ready to give a good load. - If you want a kid though, I'm your guy. - Every couple days if you want a kid. - Every couple days, if you want a kid, we can try this because
it's so much sperm per load. But, it takes a while--- - I love that this is a selling point, but who wants that. (chatter) - Would you do that for a lesbian couple? - Sure. - Because I think that you would be a--- you're offering this
right now, on the show. - No, I donated sperm when I was twenty--- - Seven cups. - Twenty seven, yeah, but I signed papers to never know, I didn't want to know anything so, I could have a child. I possibly do. - Whoa! - [Daniel] By the sounds of things, you've got thousands. - Well, yeah I was told by
the people at the clinic, that, It's up to me--- - Please stop this is too much. - No, they tell you like, where they think your sperm - We're gonna need a bigger boat! (laughter) - And they were saying because of--- - [Andrew] Get the bowl! - Yeah because of how
much, yeah, absolutely, I probably got used. - [Nikki] You definitely got used! - [Andrew] When you jerked off when you-- - Is there like a picture of you? - There's a picture of me, and a level of education--- - Yeah, yeah, yeah you got used. - [Chris] Those were the things. - [Andrew] Oh wow. - Yeah, so they were like,
this is prob... most likely-- - You have kids out there-- - Probably - [Nikki] (screams) That's crazy! - Probably I do. - [Andrew] More kids. - More kids, more kids, yeah. - You'll be on Maury soon. - Absolutely. - [Andrew] Yeah - But they can't ever
contact me, they have no way, of well--- - [Daniel] They'll know when they see you how fucking huge their loads are, and when they have their first wank, and they're like oh my
god he's my father--- - What if they take a picture of you, - I know. - What if they took a picture of you, and then they see you on T.V, and they go that's the
guy who's load they chose. - They might if they
reach out, they reach out. I wouldn't mind, but at the time. - [Nikki] Yeah, but you're not gonna - Yeah I mean at the
time it was just like, you know I'm just doing this because - Did you notice as a kid when you like, jerked off early on that you
had and insane amount of cum? - Well, I just,--- - Compared to your friends--- - Yeah - That you were jerking off next... I mean, like, what are
you comparing it to? - Yeah it's definitely a lot. - [Nikki] It is just what you have. You just think it's normal probably. - Yeah I just didn't know, but it is, it is, but I noticed after having
sexual encounters with girls would be like how much
fucking cum do you have dude? Like, it was so much. I was like, I don't know
what it's supposed to be. - The girl afterwards is just like, I think I put on weight. - [Chris] I just thought
it was supposed to be, it was so white, and I was just like, I don't know I thought
that this is what it was. - Wow. What have people been
learning from your special? Your special just came
out a couple weeks ago so, Size 38 Waist, what's the
feedback you're getting, what are people taking from that? - You know what the
feedback actually has been? Which I'm actually happy about, is a lot of people have
been saying similar things, like hey I'm happy there's a comic like nowadays that's like, taking a chance in the sense of like, saying words that you really shouldn't say, like in my special I say
my dad calls me a homo for eating blueberry yogurt, and their like, I'm
happy that you said that, and like gay people too have been like, you're not censoring your words, and you're saying what it is - Well, you're being honest - We like that you're
being somewhat honest. - What do you mean somewhat? - Well, no, I mean, you know... - Everything's exaggerated for humor. - He never said homo (laughs) - My dad? No my dad does--- - We all know what he actually said - Oh yeah exactly.He used
the other word that,--- - Faghips, that's what he said. - Yeah, yeah, so, that has been the overwhelming - Sure - And a lot of people have been saying, I feel like you're just
having a conversation with me. Which, I like. Because I'm not the comedian who's like, oh here's my joke, here's my joke. I like it when people like, oh you were just being funny for an hour, as opposed to: here's my next joke, here's my next joke. So, the feedback that I wanted
is what I've been getting. - That's great. - And so far, nobody
has shit on it too hard. - Then that means it's good. - Yeah, yeah - Noa watched it, right? - [Off Camera] Yeah! - Loved it. - [Noa] Loved it. - [Chris] Thanks! - [Nikki] She was like,
yeah she really loved it. - That was my Bay Ridge girl. - She's being modest right now, but you like. - [Chris] Enjoyed it. - Yeah, no, it was awesome. I watched it a couple of times - You watched it a couple of times? Girl. You spaced it out over
a couple of days right? (laughter) - Yeah. - You didn't want to get pregnant watching - I did get pregnant. I took a pill though, sorry Chris. - Hey, - With the size of his loads
you need like seven pills. - The pill was Daniel's special. (laughter) (upbeat rock)
