Finding Out How You Were Conceived (feat. Nikki’s Parents) - You Up w/ Nikki Glaser

have you added any skull-fucking dams yeah this girl's sent me your titties recently with using titties is the grossest thing I can ever remember fat titties why what should he have said Doug it's it's better than titties i I wish you would have said tits or boobs or breasts breasts is maybe with his better manner I knew you wouldn't like breasts either I got a feeling what about freaking send your note back saying welcome back to the show she open the Nikki Glaser speaking of helix sleep calm I tried to buy my parents a mattress from helix but my mom would not pull the trigger on it I told you my credit card info I gave you the code and my mom Julie Glaser he was in studio you would not buy it why is that I just feel kind of guilty spending that kind of money on your money I but I still gonna do it well I mean we're still gonna do it no you won't yes we will we're doing it as soon as we get home no you are yeah I know you wait you take them I'm not you'll never do it you just won't you guys are you you take whatever little side bet how long have you had them at the shitty mattress you have now I think like three or three years oh is it now is it shitty [ __ ] is it a king or queen it's shittier king yeah it's a king okay it is yes we need some dogs that are sleeping with us now yeah three if you count me out of the blue is like she's a very sensuous woman or wait what about earlier in the night so it's lovely gross to hear like second lines we're on music you're extremely intuitive you want the most intuitive and then he's like yeah no I just knew when I was pregnant with you oh yeah that's weird as well oh yeah sex when you're pregnant what I thought this was gone though I was always against having a king-sized mattress Andrew why are you ruining this special moment I thought that's what yeah yeah no my mom knew when as soon as my dad finished what was it that I just knew I'm pregnant when did you know though were you like laying in bed like how soon after like dad's Atkins like that was it really yeah I'm sorry we were you know trying to get definitive about things like that things like you can't put a finger on but here's the thing Nikki is so definitive no dastardly with coincidence and oh I'm intuitive thinking I've never said that unless I really was pregnant honest I you said it twice how do you feel this morning then you're like mom you don't get horny and okay it's like you always act like you know what I know I know mom is not a worn mom's not a horny lady she just isn't she doesn't show it she is Andrew brings it up mom be sexual ever ever even want because I'm very you boundaries that's good yeah dad is always creeping on you go I see dad being sexual just creepster I know when we get behind your creep and cheese you know on you you're gonna take this I can't even saving he's masculine he's supposed to creep on her now that's what we're talking about the book do you know the book that I talked about getting yeah I do is that in that like mm-hmm really you're definitely the feminine energy and dad's the masculine energy with them until a commitment that's true I had to give her an ultimatum ultimatum okay let's go through that how how did that happen again he bought a gun start over we had been dating for two or three months talking to Mike we had been dating for a while and longer than I had been yeah took any other girl I was out with recently but now and then it got to the point where I was like yeah I'm gonna start calling other people and maybe my old girlfriend and mom was not sleeping with is what you're saying right I just thought there's no foot tension wait what was she did was she only like making out what she do other stuff just anal heavy petting three months two months of dating hmm two maybe two and a half okay but back then I was like seven so I didn't tell him it was forever I was like really anyway I told her I was gonna do something else that night and she's like let's get together and I said well if I just somehow I worded it like well if we get together and she's like okay well let's get together tonight then get together together I figured out what it was I don't know were you so nervous to have sex the first time with that baby yeah it's so not it's I'm terrified of having sex the first time with someone especially someone you really like right what if what if his penis is weird sheeni I wasn't even worried about that really why no cuz I don't worry about penises oh I know you do wait what you wouldn't care if well maybe I would I don't know I wouldn't have dick pics was more mysterious no way he would have a weird penis yes there is a virus it could be well I I just didn't even think about that thing to be good then what were you so nervous about I don't know just you know maybe I'm not gonna be really know you were worried about you t me me being like being naked before the evening it's not good news he had so many girlfriends you might look really hot one yeah you might not be hot enough for hot not hot enough okay so this is a thing a theme that comes with me my friends a lot I was with a friend this weekend and all of my friends really they obsess over the ex-girlfriends of this guy look he dated her he dated her look at her Nikki look at her and then look at me and it's just like guys that has never bothered me if a guy has dated girls who are hotter than me before I have a lot of hangups I'm scared of weird dicks I don't give a [ __ ] if you've dated someone who I don't care if you dated Emily Ratajkowski before me I don't care and if anything I am like super like flattered and I offer something a lot different than her and so I feel like it's almost a good thing we were talking about this before and if you are if you were someone's type if like you end up with a guy and you look like all of his ex-girlfriend's a lot of times you'd be like this is good I'm his type it's not good because when you're someone's type it means you're replaceable as soon as you as soon as he meets someone else that his this type and it doesn't necessarily mean you're absolutely replaceable but so if you're you you'll be threatened by girls that are the type to but if a guy chooses you and you're not as type you that means you're special and that you stand out like I think I want to be someone I want to look different than every guy's girlfriend before I like that idea well I don't believe that you felt that a few years ago no I didn't know you're so very clean yeah yeah very calm no it used to be very insecure not about ex-girlfriends I've never felt that way really yeah I remember when just say I'm your boyfriend with Chris yeah with this girlfriend that you were afraid to run into but I wasn't threatened by her looks I think she's beautiful no kidding me zest with that girl and like how hot she was I used to ask him to tell me about it all the time I wasn't like he'll never be as hot as her which I won't it was actually I know you feel if exes is not attractive like if he dated someone before you was into that been much better about that no I hate that that's interesting really good look his value goes down right to you yeah yeah I want to I feel like looks are important and I'm vapid and shallow and I want a guy who gets [ __ ] choice girls and if because I want to be a choice girl you know and you know what if he's dated girls that maybe aren't fantastic looking but are like impressive women then that's also that can negate the the look see if she's like a okay looking chick but she's like a CEO I'm like [ __ ] this guy dates like then I want to be in that that list so you have a lot of confidence about your comedy and your personality and its unshakable unshakable but the only place that you're sort of insecure and you get hung up on stuff as your own it looks yeah yeah and if you could only channel the confidence of your I'm getting on it yeah I'm really getting there those earrings dating your dad to be like you seemed totally not threatened by the ex-girlfriends yes she was I just said all his girlfriends were really pretty I know but you don't care though she was threatened by oh I was a little concerned about that cuz I thought she said I would like if they were ugly yeah I kind of wish they had been but Julie always thinks she's not good-looking she always like that no it's it's the bane of my existence is convincing my mother she's beautiful even though when she gets drunk sometimes she'll be like do you want to return are you asking for she won't accept the reassurance even though she does crave it like we all crave compliments she craves it so much she hates when she puts on an outfit and no one complements it just like we all do mom you know this is true but my mom cannot take it she will never accept that she's beautiful she will never be accept that she has a good body she'll never accept waiting in relay Andrew and I can relate what to how you feel what you did the same thing to us that's not true dude dude it's so true no it's not I know what I'm [ __ ] hot you know that I'm I admit when I have this daughter for you a compliment like you're not well that's when I'm wildly depressed and I want to kill myself it's a centum of my depression so yours is a steady like there's never been moments of physical confidence unless you've like got a little bit tipsy and you're feeling yourself Nick and valleys of like feel I know when I feel good and I but I I am really annoyed that you think that I constantly hate the way I look I did not say constantly I said Andrew and I can relate Andrew do you want to speak for yourself Juli looks great to me always hating my looks no not always but I do think that it's definitely a reoccurring thing yeah it's not me relate to convincing someone who's beautiful that they're or we relate okay I'll speak for myself I relate to you trying to convince your mom she's beautiful when she's dead set on that the fact that she's yes but I would all speak for Anya the times when I've needed that convincing and my friends are frustrated with me is when I'm in I'm sick and I'm super depressed and I'm like all my three days every couple months of like suicidal thoughts hate no one can convince me and yeah it's when I'm actually it's like I have the flu of the brain so that's not it I don't feel that way about myself constantly yes I do wish I were more beautiful I think that I have like I don't think I'm beautiful enough all those things but I'm not like walking around being like I'm disgusting oh shut up like I asked you um like about a year ago I think is when I made the rule like don't ever compliment me or on it don't give me a compliment about my looks don't give me a negative about nothing you ever would but I don't want to know if I look cute right I don't want to know if I look pretty tonight I just don't want to think about it and it's been such a gift and that's not because I don't feel pretty it's just because if you tell me I'm pretty one night it makes me focus on it oh it makes you focus on it and then I go I have confidence and then the next day if I don't get it you go maybe I'm not pretty tonight and then makes me think about it so I'd like to eliminate it altogether and it's not labeled and I'm pretty I'm blessed with with great looks and but some days it's hard to to feel that way especially when you have a mother who never once ever thought she was beautiful did your mom Julie have low self-esteem - no no where'd you get that idea that your I don't I don't think I'm not I don't think I'm beautiful though I mean I'm allowed to say that you're allowed to say whatever you want yeah we're allowed to disagree exactly that's really sweet no I it doesn't feel good to hear that of course I mean it's so yeah if you say it I'm good I'm gonna love that yeah I was staring at your makeup technique the other night and can I comment on your looks or not yeah yeah good you because I I was admiring how you do your makeup your eyeliner your eyeshadow everything was on point you had earrings you got a whole outfit it's put together you can tell you really focus like you're like she's going out and I'm getting put together well can I just say Nicki helped with that I did her makeup well it was so good I said when I it's funny cuz I had found these eyelashes I want to do I never done eyelashes before I'm like I want to do this and Nikki's so good at makeup and the last time when we were all in San Francisco Nikki did my makeup and I looked in the mirror I'm like I have never looked better than this in my life I took a picture of myself I was like oh my god I never take pictures of myself like that yeah anyway so and then so yeah so Nikki say come over early I'll put your eyelashes another Saturday night Saturday night and then it was just a rush a thon for Nikki I screwed up her night yeah I didn't get to really do my face cuz she think it did games but I did a good job of my mom's yeah I snapped at you I was really oh I don't blame you and that was all my fault and I own up to that well you that you apologize but I was like I'm sorry I put you in this position just by myself in that position I told you when to get over there wasn't enough time to do your eyelashes I should have known it was nothing nothing to do with you as Monster amazing what eyes can do I went for Halloween when time is the samurai and Julie put mascara on me went to this party and that whole night I had people going God you look great but I look myself in the mirror like god damn could have been this lawyer I could work fair wasn't this sword are you kidding me what my joke dad I like I said men if you wore mascara you don't know what it would do for you if you work you got to wear a little bit of eyeliner yeah I was like jealous of Mick Jagger and Keith Richards I'm gonna do his eyes real quick and like really go my god eaters can't see this for those driving on you sure you give a play-by-play I think no they don't need to I can run a radio show okay so but this is true like a lot of men that wear makeup for Julia for Annie after please know you everyone knows he takes his picture all the [ __ ] time everyone knows before the annoying thing about Andrew he already has a nice dark line yeah you just look down look down whose eyes are dreaming I heard it on the street I know keep saying that her ex-boyfriend once said Andrew at a kind face he said he has the kindest face he's ever seen and then the other night I had looked over at Andrew and I saw it I was it really has the kindest face just for a brief so it was just like gazing at my new boyfriend your new boyfriend did not have the same perception starting to look dreamy your injury to be honest this is so meditative I could see why y'all do it I'm gonna do your under eye lashes she's so good at simply doing and you're nailing it oh my god this looks so good on you dude Thanks thanks bro newt new title for the show instead of you up it's gonna be called makeup with Nikki Glaser eyeliner underneath I mean but do I look counting his eyes now and you're starting to cry oh yeah Dean was like what are you doing cuz he was just rubbing his eyes so much okay I had put on too much concealer you was like Chris game just concealed let's play tell he's he's licking your mom oh my god no I'm looking at the camera Oh close your eyes you'll never get this off though enter that's well the worst part oh that looks so good top liner he's so good you're gonna look like Mac from Always Sunny when he's like I can't don't make him look like cats please I love putting makeup on men it's so fun just I think this is too much thank you for being so vulnerable and doing this you look I mean before it's like a manly thing uh it's like tough so you were asking my parents a lot of questions last night about relationships I mean you're you're in a new relationship that is like probably it for you to be honest feels good we had a good time yeah you hung out with her boyfriend the other night which he's way more manly than I didn't picture oh really pictures and pictures in pictures those pictures no he reminds me of like a 70s rock star I'm getting turned off from my coma famous and he's like he just looks stronger than I thought he would yeah yeah yeah he's a good-looking man yeah he's nice too right he really liked to know he was he looked he was very strong but kind of a dick no no no very nice guy he you were so engaged I was very aware of the fact that you were like a generous laugher you could have been staring at your phone the whole time you're like telling us details of your life you were so engaging with him and his friend it was cool you know how you just have those friends where you're like man you're really dropping the ball right now you're just like in you're someone's boyfriend or girlfriend for the first like step up and like be a good friend asking questions really cool that's I felt the same way about my parents like I'm choice about who I bring around them because I just want people that will bring out their best and and I wrote Sarah lean in my gratitude list yesterday which we send each other every morning three things were grateful for and my second thing on the list was I was so grateful for Andrew and Dan Perlman who hung out with my parents on Saturday night and who were made them so comfortable everyone was their true self no one had to be anything that they weren't we were just laughing from the very GetGo and that's so hard to find people that are relaxed in front of your parents I have two great friends who were just made me look cool cuz I have cool friends and my brought out the best and my parents made my parents look cool too my friends you have you have good friends you just run yourself with great people and I was like I gave myself a pat on the back I was like I cultivated this I brought these people together I know what groups of people are gonna mix well I'm good at it and I was just very proud of everyone that I've have in my life the other night thank you thank you get rid of some real drop them here no you're really good at picking good people yeah no not squeaky clean good I just mean like authentic real people that aren't trying to be they're just not two-faced yeah we had a funding last night - that was a good group it was we went I went to the MoMA yesterday with my parents and my aunt and then I was at that art [Laughter] like glam rock you could kiss my face I have too much of a bearish burly face we should show where then I don't look feminine enough to pull off the glamour rock I just look like a guy that goes to a glamour rock show by himself like tries to look like the band will definitely give you a wipe makeup wipe later we'll find one I don't have 100 rock it all day yeah y'all hang out with me I'm not going alone anywhere you you up off air video about skull-fucking yeah Andrew got a DM from a woman who offered up her skull for Andrew to [ __ ] yeah yeah and your mom you're almost like wait what I don't know what that is and I go mom skull-fucking what do you think that could be and you know didn't you know yeah I don't like that you're like well she is familiar with that term J no I was just known to be proud of you for just you know everything in the back of my mind are none they're hanging around in the back of my skull no I go what if someone [ __ ] your skull she goes I don't know and then finally bonnie was like [ __ ] I think someone told you and you go oh I think yes dad he goes [ __ ] every well he was just like requesting one now just happened to be the right timing never heard of skull-fucking no good girl yeah that's good that's nice that you haven't my mom was disturbed though but she goes we need to talk about Andrew and these girls just these message just leave the room if you want don't worry about it I shouldn't have brought this she has a coffee comes bad it's okay mom she was still worried about this don't worry mom know what nothing matters it's just radio EJ has a remedy for that I love it I read getting to I I do again last night remember when I used to skip well my mom's always innately known she's always giving me the advice that doesn't work for me because my mom and I are different people yeah the hard-to-get role which works for most women who are feminine energy women I'm just not I'm a masculine energy woman I have to face the facts I read this getting to I do I skipped the chapter that was made for me because you don't want to be a masculine energy woman it just doesn't sound that good it sounds better if you're like I'm a little lady and most women are feminine energy women and I am actually not most women I tend to be in the masculine energy camp I just am you're attracted my friends read the book in there like I'm the feminine and I was like I want to be the feminine and so I read the book the wrong way and I'm doing all these things that actually are not the way that I should be at attempting to forge relationships with Matt Allen the author give you some good advice yeah I talked to Pat Allen the author on the phone and I was telling her I had a crush on a comedian and she goes great great and I go really and she goes your female comics are masculine energy women and male comics are feminine energy men it's a perfect perfect match and I was like I knew I was right I knew I was going after the right kind of guy and it made me so she goes comedians are emotional that those men are emotional they're feeling their emotions on stage and they're a femme that's a feminine energy man and I was like you're telling me that I cuz everyone always goes don't date male comics you should never date them but I'm drawn to them why maybe cuz they do what I do maybe cuz I'm impressed by their talent but it might also be because we really naturally are Union yet maybe you need a autre like masculine man like even more masculine than you are I know it huh say it again what kind of man you know masculine masculine yeah a guy doing masculine yeah the thing is that won't work for me because I'm I want to be the man in the relationship in terms of like I want to pick the restaurant I want to pay for things I want to you knew someone who's comfortable with their manhood do not not feel superior and sure about it and within a relationship they can exhibit a lot it doesn't mean that they're a feminine man that's just a pushover there's really like hot things that feminine energy men can do for their masculine energy woman that make us feel like we're like a little girl like there's like bye earrings [Laughter] that's cool cuz all male comics are football you know right yeah yeah J masculine he throws like this though but don't you think me first of all I can throw so much far we all do but Dad is mainly masculine you're mainly feminine you waited to receive he came after you you laid back you and I've been doing that this all whole year since I read the book I've been waiting for everyone to come find me and the guys that come after me I don't like ever well elite you've got guys coming after ya tons of them but I don't like any of them it really grosses me out I just I don't tend to like it I like when I get to be like you I like you and then I get to decide when I tell them when we go to the next level when we're gonna start dating I want it to be on my schedule I don't want it to be forced on me and I don't want to wait for it and so I just read this chapter last night and I was like and I've had this epiphany before but it was really interesting to read last night and be like she goes she starts to have to choose if you're if your career is more important than your love life or if you are a career driven woman and you want to earn more money than your man or not that you want to but like you're okay with it just face the facts [ __ ] you're effeminate you're a masculine energy woman I'm like okay I guess I am which they need a better name for it because no woman wants to be a man and no man wants to be a feminine but that's the energy you're throwing out there yeah and it's just like I have to face the facts and pulse men are intimidated by that yeah action you're gonna take now that you've read this chapter um I'm going to really trust my own instincts and I'm gonna actually ask out men and actually approach men and be like I like you I'm gonna do my old approach which was in my instinctual approach throughout my 20s which was I like you what are we gonna do about it and I got I got boyfriend's back then or at least I got like I did I had the thing is you get rejected a lot more ejected a lot more than women because men are usually the aggressors and women are them I can't wait for you to do the first time you get it and you start dating the person it's a guy get rejected so much we just like yeah there's a man you know there's certain girls I would ask out they'd say Dancing with the Stars was the worst rejection I don't know the person to get rejected but generally I have to know someone by know that's what I'm saying that's why there's the there's a way of doing and I think we if they're always comedians to start to see them although I think there's a light way of doing it where you can still salvage the friendship or even if you don't want them friendship salvage there's a way to put yourself out there that isn't sticking your neck out completely yeah yeah yeah friend didn't once she had a crush on a guy she was a photographer and she was would always fall in love with her subjects and she told me about it and I was like oh he's never gonna I don't think he likes her that way and and but she had a great way she called him left a message back in the day when everyone left messages and she was like hey call me back I have a really good question for you he called her back and she goes yeah I got a problem I'm wondering if you can help me out with I have a crush on you and I don't know what to do about it and he was like oh and he kind of like laughed it was like because laughter he was it obviously did not end happily you know I mean they it was she could told right away yeah he was like I love you but not in that way and she's like it's cool it's cool and by the way Nick Viall on this very show rejected me in that way I didn't think he was gonna be like I like you as a friend but he did and I survived it it didn't feel good it's happened to me before we're men are just yeah I either have a girlfriend they either make up a girlfriend or they let me down in some kind of gentle way so I just I I've just gone a year and a half without putting myself out there at all and waiting for men to come to me and it's just not working so I'm gonna go back to my old ways so Andrew you and I need to have a conversation after the show because I have something to tell you and you're gonna be able to find someone in special who you'll be able to talk to you and say used to and say jugular correctly turbulence Thank You Nick it means a lot thank you for having masculine energy about my list and I also put makeup on you before me I'm going into a speech therapist yeah you're not masculine at all I know you do because I feel like a little [ __ ] on that house stupid [ __ ] Gweneth Paltrow is selling a $75 candle that smells quote smells like my vagina that's not me saying it that's Gwyneth Gwyneth Paltrow has uh plenty of unique items available via her goop online shop including a candle with a very unconventional scent this smells like my vagina candle from goop is on sale now for $75 with the product description breaking down how the votive came to be this candle started as a joke between perfumer Douglas little and gwennyth GP Gwyneth Paltrow I hate that she refers to herself as GP or that anyone does AJ the to the - were working on a fragrance and she blurted out oh this smells like a vagina but evolved into a funny gorgeous sexy and beautifully unexpected scent scent that turned out to be the perfect candle scent notes include geranium which I love oh my god that's legit one of my favorite smells I use that like dr. whatever soap geranium scent it's the orange kind it's the best citrusy Bergamo and cedar absolutes juxtapose with damask rose rose and ambrette seed and a little bit of period left over [Laughter] cracks wet the candle is currently sold out but is expected to be restocked curious customers can currently add their name to a waitlist to be the first to know when the smells like my vagina will hit the shelves once again yummy it's just a marketing technique brilliant obviously it's brilliant yeah this headline has been more places than when Osama bin Laden was killed I swear to god people are talking about this so much it's great it's sold out everyone loves going at the Paltrow - they just they do I mean what's not to love she looks 17 constantly women want to look like her she's rich she's kind of cool she great answers on comments by celebs I'm enjoying on Instagram should I put out a candle that smells like my [ __ ] balls Boz oh yeah you're caught a [ __ ] handle would be holy gonna be so funny what would its smell like instead of goop it's just called droop probably smell like gp's cuz you [ __ ] yeah people are gonna [ __ ] that candle just gonna pout for smell you know how like porn stars make molds of their vaginas yeah I do she's doing that's like the step before oh right right he's doing the smell aspect but there are times where you smell something you go smells like [ __ ] yeah there's a really great actually a lot of papaya salad my favorite really lame eat that's weird what did there's like a spring roll dip that's like an orange to kind of sauce that legit I used to always get it with my ex-boyfriend I'd be like smell this isn't this [ __ ] and he'd be like oh my god like it really is but it's taste so good you just eat food smells like vagina no I think you find out you're lesbian when you discover your masculine energy woman and then the men you ask out or just like easy weirdo and then you're like oh wait maybe I'm just gay I think that's what happened rubbing your [ __ ] on all different kind of food just so smell this burger doesn't smell like [ __ ] that's your [ __ ] everybody's gonna stare at all let's just joke about like a woman who said that there was calm in her soup and she it was a headline where like it wasn't her stew but it was like her milkshake or something she was like there's semen in this and they found that the guy in the back of your company and Sarah goes you got to be really brave to walk up and go there's semen in this I would know honestly I bet with you too I could put semen in your drinks and you wouldn't know I'm talking pointing to the two men in the group you wouldn't know as much as women would know if you were like stop semen if it was my own I would have you tasted your own every time I get a milkshake I have just because you haven't washed your hands and you somehow like accidentally we're chewing on our nails I do get a whiff of my stale come sometimes yes from not watching my yeah and that's gonna be the come by and smell I smell still come at the gym all the time because men jerk off and they like kind of wipe it on them dirty men just kind of like wipe it on their bed sheets or their clothes and they get a smell of come on them and then they go to the gym and they work out and the Keith makes it like one of those aromatize re fragrances the entire gym and I'm like this dude next to me has no idea that I know he jerks off all the time and is dirty about it oh your nose is amazing that you thank you so much for watching that clip that you just watched did you enjoy it I hope you did if you did thumbs up it why don't you subscribe why don't you just keep watching more videos let them play share with your friends go share on your Instagram story go just have a great day

Channel: You Up with Nikki Glaser

Views: 107,798

Keywords: Nikki Glaser, You Up with Nikki Glaser, You Up, comedy central, Nikki Glaser radio show, Sirius radio, nikki glaser, Sirius, Nikki glaser show, funny talk show, talk show, celebrities, interview, andrew collin, anya marina, conceive, sex, conception, exes, hot, ugly, judge, judgement, compliments, confidence, makeup, mascara, friends, date, dating, funny, comedy, comedy show, funny video, comedian, comedians, comedy central radio, siriusxm, nikki glaser parents

Id: RCYRqC7sZzg

Length: 39min 52sec (2392 seconds)

Published: Tue Apr 28 2020