The Rings Of Power - A Billion Dollar Nightmare

you know expectations are funny things particularly when you happen to be a movie critic whose job is to offer some kind of informed prediction on the quality of upcoming projects sometimes expectations can lead you down completely the wrong path ending and crushing disappointment when said project doesn't live up to your lofty anticipation and on even rarer occasions the thing you're confidently predicted would Crash and Burn quicker than the [ __ ] Hindenburg turns out to be a lot better than you expected but then there's the ones that end up exactly where you said they would making every dumb mistake you expected fallen for every tired and predictable cliche you warned about ignoring and contradicting every aspect of the source material just as you knew they would and pushing every heavy-handed piece of social commentary with the regularity of a [ __ ] atomic clock which brings me neatly along to the rings of power one of the most anticipated shows of 2022 and by anticipated I mean [ __ ] dreaded because basically anyone with an IQ higher than the She-Hulk right in stuff could see exactly the way the winds were blowing on this one and they knew what this show would become and now that I've suffered through six entire episodes which have slowly trained my world to live I feel like I've got a fairly good sense of what the rings of power actually is this show is a billion dollar nightmare a horrible Bland disrespectful corporatized piece of clumsy fan fiction that somehow manages to look both obnoxiously overproduced and shockingly cheap at the same time written by people with a Wikipedia summary understanding of the source material and an even weaker grasp of actual human behavior featuring some of the worst dialogue ever uttered in the history of entertainment and performed by a diverse cast of activists sorry actors who range from way too good for the material to way too [ __ ] for any material in short it's the perfect storm of shittiness on a grand scale that we all predicted it was gonna be and it feels like it's getting worse with each passing week I mean I could probably devote entire videos to picking apart the terrible writing amateur performances ham-fisted Direction and clumsy allegory for each and every episode but since other people have already done that far better than I could I'm gonna do my best to give some kind of overall summary of this [ __ ] disaster so grab your sword and vomit bags fellow traveler and let's begin this journey together the general storyline for rings of power is set sometime after a destructive war against an evil dude named morgoth who tried to take over the worlds who exactly was more goth what did he look like and why was he even doing this don't know don't think about it because it's not important what is important though is his second in command Sauron who took command of Margaret's armies and then promptly disappeared I mean he wasn't defeated in battle or anything he just kind of gave up and went away why don't know it's a mystery you see a mystery neatly contained within a storytelling box that'll presumably be opened at some point in the future but don't worry we'll talk about that kind of [ __ ] later believe that anyway this is where our story picks up it's divided into several different plot threads told from different perspectives to give the impression that this is some kind of Epic complex narrative but the main storyline thread follows a character that happens to have the name Galadriel because that's about as much as she has in common with the actual character from Lord of the Rings this time around she's a brutal obnoxious ass-kicking sword swinging Warrior woman who's the physical equal of any man because this show has to reflect the world we live in today anyway she's been scouring the Earth for Clues to sauron's whereabouts for the past few centuries not exactly Sherlock [ __ ] homes this one and naturally everyone's getting a bit fed up with her by this point I know the feeling guys I've been with her for about 5 minutes and I [ __ ] hate her already her own Squad decided to Mutiny after following her all the way to the North Pole and who can blame them when she's willing to leave one of them behind to die of exposure rather than stop and camp for a few hours Commander wait no we keep moving also why do none of these people actually look like elves anymore anyway she's eventually forced to return to her superiors without completing her mission to find Sauron but they're like nah it'll be fine hmm I wonder if this strong female character are trying to warn her incompetent male superiors of an unresolved danger will ultimately get proven rights no way anyway they tried to pack her off the valinor because even though they haven't seen her in years they're already sick of her [ __ ] but then she builds out at the last second and decides she's gonna swim back to Middle Earth across the sundering sea without any supplies or flotation AIDS because that's the thing you can totally do but then wouldn't you know it she gets rescued by a dashing stranger who's totally not Sauron so that the rest of the plot can happen well what are the odds that she would happen to bump into a bunch of strangers on a raft in all these thousands of square miles of empty ocean what a stroke of luck so anyway eventually they wind up on the island of numenor which is ruled over by diverse Queen lady because this show has to reflect the world we live in today anyway gladriel finally figures out that Sauron is headed for the Southlands by reading a map now you might assume that being thousands of years old and having scoured every corner of Middle Earth already including the Southlands presumably Galadriel would be pretty familiar with its geography now but apparently not because the characters only ever as smart as the person writing them so naturally she needs to gather an army and get to the Southlands so they can lay the smackdown on Sauron and his Orcs And for this they're gonna need the numenoreans and naturally she decides that the best way to win their cooperation is to act like an arrogant [ __ ] and treat everyone around her like shits there's a tempest in me it swept me to this island for a reason and it will not be quelled by you Regent it's a bold strategy cotton let's see if it pays off for them you know it's a sort of mystery why audiences are failing to connect with this character anyway because we need the rest of the plot to happen diverse Queen lady agrees to send Galadriel and not cyron to the Southlands along with 300 men to put an end to the threats [ __ ] really 300 men is brilliant enough to Garrison a single Town never mind invade an entire country and let's be real here they're not exactly sending their a team for this one why is this Army composed almost entirely of skinny teenage boys and girls in plastic armor that look like they'd never swung anything heavier than a Wii motion controller why are there no actual men in this medieval fighting force oh wait of course it's because the show has to reflect the world we live in today I'm sure this hundred pound girl is going to strike fear into the hearts of Orcs everywhere looks like meets back on the menu boys anyway the second strand of this narrative follows diverse elf Warrior and strong female healer in the Southlands as they follow up on worrying reports of trouble in the local area see these people sided with more goth back during the war and ever since then their country's been under foreign occupation to make sure they don't start getting the wrong idea again so needless to say they're not exactly enthusiastic about having elves on their doorstep and wouldn't you know it an entire Army Of Orcs has taken up residence there without being noticed by anyone led by evil elf guy who's planning to take over the whole country which forces strong female healer to become strong female leader and rally the local villagers to fight them off because if there's one person that I'd absolutely trust to make good tactical decisions in a war situation it's the local florists that is one big pile of [ __ ] the final strand of this story follows a grip of Psychopathic Irish Hobbits sorry hard fruits as they migrate across Middle Earth led by Lenny Henry because this show has to reflect the world we live in today but you better hope you don't fall behind Or Break The Rules or say the wrong thing or just happen to be in the wrong place when something totally unconnected goes wrong because these [ __ ] will just leave you behind and along the way female Frodo runs into not Gandalf when he literally falls out of the sky and then she spends the next few episodes trying to figure out who he is and where he comes from and all of this stuff culminates in an action sequence to bring about the creation of Mount Doom and Mordor that may be one of the dumbest things I've ever seen outside of a Rowan emmerich movie volcanoes do not work like this where the [ __ ] do I even begin with this show I mean first and foremost I guess I have to say that the writing is absolutely atrocious in all respects the dialogue is an Unholy mixture of overly dramatic trailer lines that have almost no bearing on the situation at hand songs and iconic speeches shamelessly stolen from characters that will be around for thousands of years and pretentious pseudo-philosophical ramblings that sound like a 13 year old trying to scribble something profound in their Tumblr profile do you know why a ship floats shuts up Jesus Christ characters even say okay on multiple occasions did anyone even bother to proofread this [ __ ] the characters themselves are a collection of absolute idiots who fail to understand very obvious Clues until the script decides it's time to move the plot forward consistently acted behave contrary to their own interests change their minds on the flip of a coin act surprised by things that they absolutely should know already and generally fail to display any measure of Common Sense level-headed thinking or logical decision-making like at one point Galadriel and not Sauron get brought before diverse Queen lady so she can decide what to do with them the numenoreans don't want her there because they don't like her trusty elves and Galadriel doesn't want to be there because she needs to get back to Middle Earth so it seems like the solution should be obvious here put her on a [ __ ] boat and get her out of there but instead they come up with this ridiculous decision where they'll spend the next couple of days deciding her faith and in the meantime she's basically allowed to wander the island at will how do [ __ ] does this in any way translate to the situation that preceded it the answer is of course it doesn't it's done because the script needs the rest of the plot to happen and the writers couldn't think of a way to integrate their plot with the world that it's supposed to exist in so they just said [ __ ] it let's just do it anyway and naturally because it's a modern day production the male characters fall into one of two camps they're either corrupt selfish manipulators or benign unthreatening beta males who know their place and never show even a hints of agency and oh my goodness could they possibly be setting up the one heroic man in this show as the enemy that galadriel's been searching for all this time the girls on the other hand are either strong capable decisive go-getters who take charge of every situation and do things their way or pure hearted Paragons of virtue with hidden strength just waiting to be revealed you know troops like this are so tiresomely predictable that it basically gives away the plot of the show just based on which characters have been put into which situation Galadriel is probably the worst defender in all this [ __ ] which is a bit of a problem since she's the closest thing to a protagonist that this show has she's arrogant short-sighted confrontational and completely disinterested in the well-being of others she's happy to let the men under her command die for no obvious gain makes grandiose self-serving speeches the people that she needs to win over to her cause callously manipulates an emotionally blackmails others to doing what she wants and generally acts like a spoiled entitled [ __ ] I don't think I've ever rooted for Sauron so much in my [ __ ] life the thing is all of this sounds supremely negative because that's my assessment of her character the show on the other hand desperately tries to frame her as the hero because in the minds of the writers this is exactly what strong empowered women are supposed to act like she's not arrogant and callous she's decisive and pragmatic she doesn't manipulate people she helps them to find their true purpose or else she's not entitled she just knows what has to be done and everyone else needs to die deal with that it's so funny when writers try to frame villainous characteristics as virtues and weirdly it seems to be happening more and more these days it doesn't exactly help that morphod Clark possesses an acting range that makes Brie Larson look like Katherine Hepburn she can do an angry Scout with the best of them but anything beyond that is like watching Seth Rogen trying not to be a complete twerk you can practically feel the internal struggle going on there's an extremely Talent scene where she's riding a horse along the beach and I think she's meant to be conveying wonder and exhilaration of being close to Nature again but instead she looks like she's desperately trying to hold in her [ __ ] oh help my Bob I'm touching cloth here you can also tell that these writers used to work for Bad Robot because the script's got JJ Abrams grubby homeworks all over it basically the tension in this show is sustained through the constant deployment of mystery boxes what happened to Sauron and what was he working on in his Fortress of solitudes who is the stranger what's the purpose of the magical [ __ ] sword who is Adar what was power brand running from what's in the box will Galadriel learn more than one facial expression before the end of the season is his Elder's sister actually hot or is it just her big boobs these are all ongoing questions that the show teases to try and keep the audience invested rather than delivering actual characters and events that people care about it's a cheap and dirty style of writing and it shows absolutely riddled with it and the writing is not the only problem here the direction geography and chronology of this show is absolutely [ __ ] like in one scene we're showing events that unfold over a period of weeks or even months and then in the very next scene we're back with a different set of characters and only a couple of hours seem to have passed since their previous scene ships are able to sail from newmanor to Middle Earth a journey of almost 2 000 miles in a matter of days what timeline are we supposed to be working to here don't know in another scene strong female healer and diverse elf Warrior have gathered the local villagers together in a fortress at the edge of Mordor lacking the numbers to hold out and pitch battle they instead lure the Orcs in sight and then collapsed the tower on top of them holy [ __ ] they did something remotely smart that should buy enough time for you guys to escape good job but then instead they go back to their Village inside Mordor so they can make a stand there insteads what's the [ __ ] so you're telling me that an unfortified village with multiple approaches is a better place to defend than a literal Hilltop Fortress that can only be accessed by a single Narrow Path I mean at least that might have negated the enemy numbers and give you a Fighting Chance also how the [ __ ] did you even get back to the Village without being seen by the other Orcs you must have walked right past them to go back the way you came and even if you managed to repel an enemy attack do you really think they're just gonna give up and leave you alone all they're gonna do is regroup and keep coming at you unless your goal is to hold out until help which you know is coming eventually arrives this isn't the kind of battle that you're gonna win it's almost like they read the script or something there's no sense that the writers and directors understand the geography of the place they're describing or the size and disposition of the opposing forces or even how battles should logically play out so it's impossible to tell how this battle is actually progressing I mean the villagers seem to kill a lot of Orcs with ambushies and carefully laid traps but there's nothing to suggest that another big group won't conveniently Come Running Out of the Woods as soon as the plot needs them to and if they don't know or care about this stuff then why should we the set designs and visuals range from excellent to Sci-fi channel original with no explanation for why don't get me wrong there's definitely some magnificent Landscapes and cities to be found here but then simple things like a warg attack in a forest look like absolute dog [ __ ] some of the sets in new menorah look like they were put together about 30 minutes before filming started and I don't know man for 60 million dollars an episode I'd expect an hour-long feature film every week and I'm just not seeing it probably shouldn't have spent all that money on intimacy coordinators should you now it's no secret that rings of power is a diverse show I know this because it's been at the Forefront of basically every piece of advertising and marketing that's ever been done for it but it does create problems that I don't think the showrunners really considered like how there's basically nothing to distinguish one human faction from another Halfway Around the world's Game of Thrones had a very diverse cast but it was smart enough to hire actors that fit with the geographic location they were set in people from the north tended to be fair-skinned because it's cold and dark most of the time while people from Southern regions like Doran had a more Mediterranean look well off to the east in desert lands like essos you had Middle Eastern and African actors because it made sense that people would look that way in such a hot climate basically what I'm saying is that people from certain areas tended to look a certain way and it helped you to tune into the fictional world that was being presented to you here though Any Nation or faction can look like basically anything so none of them have any sense of identity what exactly does a typical Southerner look like I don't know because based on what I've seen they could be Caucasian African Middle Eastern or Asian how did such a diverse range of different ethnicities end up in such a small isolated rural settlement don't know it doesn't matter because this show has to reflect the world we're living today makes me want to murder myself now it's no secret that Tolkien was a huge fan of allegory and fiction so truly he would be absolutely thrilled at what they've done here like in this scene where an angry young white man rants at a black man about letting the past go or this scene where an angry old white man rants about immigrants coming to take all their gerbs or this scene where an arrogant white man dismisses the concerns of a female subordinates a bit of a pattern emerging here isn't there it's also clumsy and on the nose and desperate to push the message then they might as well have the characters break the fourth wall and just straight up explain to the audience how this all relates to current issues facing our society but I guess when you're an act activist first in an artist a distant second none of this stuff is going to phase you because all that matters is getting your point across truly Tolkien would be proud of what you've done here the Lord of the Rings books were an incredible epic Timeless Story of Friendship sacrifice Adventure courage and conflict crafted by one man's boneless imagination passion and love for mythology and fantasy and tempered by a long life of experiences hardships triumphs and Horrors the rings of Power by contrast is a cheap clumsy derivative copy commissioned by a company that thinks it can buy its way into cultural relevance made by people without imagination or passion people who have never been molded by experience or hardship and have no well of creativity to draw upon in fact to paraphrase Tolkien himself Amazon had slowly shaped it to their shifting purposes and made it better as they thought being deceived for all those arts and subtle devices for which they forsook their former wisdom and which fondly they imagined were their own came bought from Tolkien so that what they made was not only a little copy a child's model or a slave's flattery of that vast imagination which suffered no rival and laughed at flattery biting its time securing its pride and it's a measurable strength anyway that's all I've got for today go away now

Channel: The Critical Drinker

Views: 4,210,295

Keywords: review, critical drinker, funny, feminist, feminism, galadriel, mordor, sauron

Id: 416vFlu595Q

Length: 19min 24sec (1164 seconds)

Published: Tue Oct 04 2022