The Iron Throne - Game of Thrones' AWFUL final episode

it's one of the sadly inescapable truths of human existence that all good things come to an end no matter how high we may rise we must inevitably fall and so is that Game of Thrones disastrous season 8 finally staggers over the finishing line with the iron throne the last ever episode of a sure that was once considered the greatest achievement on TV this is it this is everything the show's been building towards for a seasons 73 episodes dozens of hours of storytelling and world building and character development all the victories and defeats all the alliances and betrayals all the friendships and sacrifices the heroes and villains the triumphs and heartbreaks the entire Song of Ice and Fire all of it comes down to this final piece of yeah [ __ ] sucks after everything it's accomplished Game of Thrones dies not with a bang but with a whimper and when I say whimper I mean a wet and suspiciously warm fart at the end of a violent romantic conquest now it's no secret that I'm a man of many words and your struggle to find a more eloquent connoisseur of entertainment in all of YouTube but it's difficult even for me to probably express the sheer scale of the disappointment the waste of so many years of build-up and careful development the abject failure of even the most basic elements of storytelling that is the Iron Throne but I do enjoy a challenge so let's begin the episode kicks off in the aftermath of the new king of King's Landing Tyrion takes a walk through the not so bustling streets before making his way to the red keep which now looks suspiciously intact considering the entire [ __ ] thing exploded and collapsed at the end of the last episode whatever I guess buildings have plot armor now too when they contain iconic locations they those sets cost a lot of money guys we've gotta get our money's worth out of them so because Tyrion has a spare copy of the previous episodes script he knows exactly where Jaime and Cersei went and he makes his way down to the crypts to recover their bodies and they're neatly laid out beneath the layer of bricks so he can have a nice crime scene without witnessing the horrifying effects of what hundreds of tons of rocks would actually do to a human body what is the point of this scene we know they're dead already why are you showing us this stuff again all you're doing is wasting time and telling us things we already know now you begin to see the problem of killing off two major characters in an isolated location where no one else can see it happen I honestly expected one of them to spring to life in the ultimate cheap shot so I guess we should be thankful for small mercies anyway all the unsullied and Dothraki that have regenerated since the Battle of Winterfell have gathered in the central square of King's Landing finite resources and battlefield casualties mean nothing now remember armies can be as big or as small as the writers need them to be and right now we need them to be [ __ ] huge so then Dany appears on a balcony to address her armies and it made me laugh because the whole scene set up to look like the new Bogg rallies in Nazi Germany really subtle visual metaphor guys anyway she gives a rousing speech about how they've all done a great job of liberating King's Landing and they should all feel really proud of themselves what the Terry Funk the schmuck is literally still rising from the charred corpses of the thousands of innocent civilians you've just napalm to death and without a trace of irony you're gonna stand there and call yourself the liberator I get that they're trying to show how even the most despicable people try to mask their acts of cruelty by coaching it in safe positive language but seriously this is just taking the piss it's like a really crappy SNL skit which is basically all of them these days but it gets bare because Danny won't rest until they've liberated the entire world from the cruelty of being alive and everyone starts celebrating like they're really excited about the wars to come what the actual Fukushima have I just watched why are you people happy about this your forces have been devastated you've lost your fleet two of your dragons and tens of thousands of troops you've inherited a devastated Kingdom and a destroyed city you're in no condition to conquer the world or anything else that would be like the Soviets standing in the ruins of Berlin in 1945 and being like great news comrades no we're gonna conquer America break out the vodka anyway Arya's they're looking like she's getting ready to Ryan Johnson Danny's ass and John's like nah it'll be fine and then they both do absolutely nothing anyway because it's not time for John to act and the writers have gotten clue what to do with our er ever since episode three [ __ ] offshore then Tyrion shows up and hands in his resignation in front of everyone and Dany accuses him of being a traitor and he's like yeah I totally am and that's it he's arrested and taken away oh my boy what have they done to you the Tyrion I know would never have sunk this low he would have found some way to make it right I mean there are countless ways for a man of intelligence and resourcefulness to kill Danny and take revenge for what she's done for example you could poison her at dinner or sneak into her room and strangle her to death in the middle of the night or join forces with the best assassin in Westeros or wait until she's taking a dump and shoot her in the chest with a [ __ ] crossbow but instead he just wanders into the middle of the Nuremberg rally like a [ __ ] Bell end and gives himself up what the Dickens they've given him the food virus treatment here once cunning and highly intelligent character is a reduced to pathetic simpletons to service whatever passes for this story [ __ ] off sure anyway arias Rian Johnson abilities are still cool and down I guess so she tells John that he has to be the one to stop Danny but occurs only he can do it now and John's like nah he'll be fine so John visits Tyrion in prison and Tyrion realizes he's dealing with a complete [ __ ] so he sits him down and patiently explains to him that nuke in an entire city and killing tens of thousands of innocent people probably means that Danny doesn't have the right stuff to rule the Seven Kingdoms uh-uh are we actually having this conversation like this isn't some alcohol-induced fever dream of mine this is real this is in the script are you actually trying to defend this murderous genocide or megalomaniacal lunatic you complete and utter - if the total destruction of King's Landing isn't enough for you what will it actually take to make you realise she's lost her [ __ ] mind [ __ ] off sure then John leaves because the script decides it's time for him to act so he makes his way to the red keep where Danny's alone in the throne room with no bodyguards or protection look here this place also had its plot armor on anyway she's messing around with the Iron Throne and thinking about all the places she'll liberate next fear not peasants every time she'll have a Starbucks under my rule and John's like the irony killing bird and she's like nah I'll be fine and he's like okay then so then the kiss and he knifes her and then she dies [ __ ] off sure I'm not kidding that happens that's in the script what a [ __ ] indignity for one of the best characters to come out of this show a character who clawed her way up from virtually nothing to become the most powerful ruler in the world not a shred of remorse for what she's done no attempt to explain her actions or apologize no hint of suspicion that John might be there with ill intentions even though she already knows he doesn't love her and violently objects to her recent actions no she just goes in for the kiss like a [ __ ] lovestruck teenager and that's it she's done she dies with barely a sound what a waste so anyway drug on shows up and he sees Danny lying dead so he gets mad and torches the Iron Throne and it melts into a puddle of disgusting molten slag pretty emblematic of this entire season to be honest that's dramatic irony at work folks the Iron Throne was forged in Dragon Fire and now it's been unmade in the same way again it's like poetry so if they rhyme shut up so dragon picks Danny's body up and carries it away and it's supposed to be all poignant and emotional but think of was this [Applause] like where the [ __ ] is he even taking her anyway I mean I get that a simple boreal wouldn't be very grand and a funeral pyre wouldn't work on her for obvious reasons but really think about this for a second DRA Gon's not going to be able to tend the body it's just a matter of time before the animals get to her now you might be wondering how gree worm and his mates would feel about their queen being murdered well your guess is as good as mine because the episode hard cuts to another scene a few weeks later Tyrion gets summoned from prison to be sentenced for his crimes and it turns out all the lords and ladies of Westeros are there to figure out what the [ __ ] they're supposed to do next and Arya and Brienne are there to bulk out the number of women we've got to hit those diverse equal as somehow guys gendry's there too as the Lord of storms end even though the only person who legitimized his rule is now dead so [ __ ] knows how that works oh and sir Davos is also hanging around even though he belongs to no great house and represents no one and he even admits he doesn't know why he's there pointing out doesn't make it any less ridiculous guys so grey worms angry and he wants John dead for murdering Danny because murdering defenseless people as bad don't you know people in glass houses mate you're a [ __ ] war criminal you constipated looking [ __ ] anyway they all debate what should happen next and somehow the talk turns to who should be the next king because the rating can't support a conversation with any kind of logical structure and Edmure Tully stands up and makes an arse of himself so Sansa tells him to shut up and sit down and he does you Bell end then Samwell Tarly suggests a democratic voting process for the common people of Westeros and everyone has a good laugh at that and he sits down to Wow wacky humor in the wake of a tragic death that's what we need right folks then Tyrion starts talking and for some reason everyone listens to him even though he's a prisoner summoned for judgement and what happens next is some mind-bendingly [ __ ] that I'm actually going to stop recording this now and re-watch the episode to make sure I really understood it yup it's real it happened it was in the script real functioning approved this Tyrion reckons the best person to rule Westeros is are you [ __ ] kidding me bran the guy who spent the last few seasons war get off his tits the guy who doesn't even know where he is most of the time the guy whose physical body is just a shell to keep his spaz domain tethered in the real world this is the man who's gonna rebuild a devastated and divided Kingdom this is the guy who'll manage its economy its infrastructure its relations with the rest of the world its military and its politics or is this your way of showing that disabled people can be rulers - I can't take it so for some reason everyone thinks this is a good idea and they all agree and then sunset demands that the north be an independent Kingdom and brands like yeah whatever I've got more prehistoric wheelchairs to browse I suspect you should get used to that kind of answer guys [ __ ] off sure so Jon's reward for saving the entire world is that he's forced to join the Nights Watch again because grey worm and the unsullied really have some pooling power on this one what the fudge the Nights Watch like they're still a thing why the White Walkers have already been Ryan Johnson and the wildlings are now your allies what exactly are they supposed to watch you're just pulling this stuff out your arses now aren't you guys so Jon says goodbye to Sansa and Arya son says no Queen of the north because why not right she's totally earned this and Ari has run out of things to do but the writers didn't have the balls to kill her off so she's gonna sail west and just see what happens I'm not kidding this scene actually made me laugh because it's so forced and contrived even the actors don't seem to know what's going on a character whose entire identity is built around being an assassin just out of nowhere decides to become Dora the [ __ ] Explorer I'd be like if John wick decided he wanted to work in Starbucks nah whatever Noa Tyrians no hand of the king because why the hell not he convinces small council and bronze there as master of coin I literally can't think of anyone less suited to the tasks anyway some Tarly presents Tyrion with his history of everything that's happened to this point and he calls it the Song of Ice and Fire well I'll never saw that one comin antarians kind of embarrassed because he doesn't get mentioned in it then bran shows up and he leaves again and they get down to business and start bickering in a jokey kind of way and the scene ends like a moat trough or some cheesy nineties adventure series so John returns to Castle black and reunites with ghost so that Marla can stop complaining about it then he heads north beyond the wall with the wildlings to do something I don't know is he King beyond the wall now is he making a new life with them are there any other Nights Watch going with him now whatever who even cares at this point and that's it that's the plot of this episode and the end of Game of Thrones what a [ __ ] disaster it's hard to even know where to begin when it comes to analyzing this episode without just repeating the same criticisms I've leveled at the rest of this series everything that was bad in the rest of season 8 is orders of magnitude worse here whether it's the insane plot decisions that would never even have been contemplated before like bran being named king of Westeros the utter character betrayals like Danny's Great Dictator speech and ridiculous death scene or Jon be an exiled right back to where he started in the Nights Watch or maybe it's the fact that other characters are just shuffled right out of the story without explanation because the writers were too dumb and lazy to think up a proper resolution for them so Aria is off to explore the world eh yeah that's what makes sense given ever since she's done up till this point do it bronze master of coin no why not can't see him abuse in his position some tarly's the grand maester when he's barely thirty years old and completely inexperienced sure I can't imagine anyone object into that grey worms off to make a new life with the unsullied even though he totally wants John dead now who cares everyone just accepts Brienne being a knight now because Jaime got drunk one night and made her one now it'll be fine this entire episode smacks of well we had to give them something to do world-building consequences in character more have gone completely out the window people say and do things they would never have contemplated two or three years ago they accept decisions and suggestions that would have been locked out of the room in earlier seasons the emotional tone of this episode is all over the place one minute were staring at the horrifying aftermath of the destruction of King's Landing and dealing with the sudden death of one of the most important characters in the entire show the next we're supposed to be laughing at a pompous idiot tripping over his sword or the small council having some light-hearted banter like they haven't just lived through the most apocalyptic conflict in history Game of Thrones at its best give us a window into a world that felt real and grounded bad decisions often had far-reaching consequences and characters who acted without considering the wider impact of their choices often paid a high price for their mistakes truth and honor weren't always rewarded cunning and betrayals weren't always punished the show's characters lived in a world that was as harsh and unforgiving as it was rich and varied and they had to learn and adapt quickly if they expected to survive whenever you thought you had it figured out you'd learn there was always someone smarter more ruthless more prepared than you there was a sense that everyone knew just a little more than they were letting on they were just a little bit smarter and more capable than they wanted you to believe it made them compelling it made them interesting it made them real and human but in this season the vales finally been lifted and the truth laid bare and the simple truth is there's nothing behind it these characters are only as smart as Weiss and Benioff were capable of making them and it turns out that's not very much master plotters like Littlefinger tyrion and varys became mostly irrelevant once the focus of the show moved from political intrigue alliances and betrayals too flashy set-piece battles and although tyrion made it through to the end probably because dinklage was too popular to kill off but honestly his actual character died in like season 6 Danny who went from sympathetic refugee to god-like Messiah to violent Conqueror suddenly turns into a murdered yet who lets her biggest and most dangerous rival drive a knife into her chest because she still believed she could win him over it's sloppy its lazy it's awful and the character deserves so much more the destruction of military resources and buildings means nothing though armies that should have been crippled by overwhelming losses can be reformed into highly effective fighting units in the space of a single episode castles that have been flattened and gutted by dragon fire in one episode are shown with only light damage in the next it's completely bonkers and it destroys all sense of consequence and impact ultimately the Iron Throne is the final humiliating nail in the coffin of a season that simply run out of creative steam it destroys whatever is left of the show's integrity it cheapens and dumbs down every character it touches and in a very real sense it tarnishes what should have been a glowing legacy as one of the greatest shows in TV history people don't always remember how a story begins but they remember how it ends especially if it ends badly and the fact is Game of Thrones has ended in the most disappointing way possible but it's over now and it's time for everyone to move on and forget the past eight years ever happened I know I will I've got just the thing oh and that's all I've got for today go away now

Channel: The Critical Drinker

Views: 2,884,425

Keywords: game of thrones, jon snow, dany, kings landing, tyrion, review, finale, now our watch has ended, nights watch, jaime, cersei, drogon, king bran, weiss and benioff, D & D, dumb and dumber, feminism, SJW, feminist, mad queen, dragon, King's Landing, Tyrion, Jaime, Cersei, King Bran, Bran the Broken, Small council, Bronn, Sansa Stark, Arya, Season 8, Episode 6, S8E06

Id: 2eSBtwoVXfw

Length: 18min 46sec (1126 seconds)

Published: Tue May 21 2019