Rings Of Power Finale - The Final Insult

you know after the disastrous penultimate episode of rings of power that somehow made Galadriel even less likable than before teased the deaths of characters that anyone with even the most basic knowledge of Lord of the Rings nose are absolutely not dead unmasked the not Hobbits as a group of murderous Psychopaths demonstrated that numenoreans have the ability to teleport anywhere on Middle Earth within a matter of hours gave us an origin story for Mount Doom and whatever the [ __ ] these things are meant to be I figured I'd pretty much said all I had to say about this ridiculous [ __ ] show I mean really at this point how much lower could it possibly sink how much more damage could it do to tolkien's Legacy it would be like bulldozing the burned out remains of a gutty building that insurance inspectors couldn't quite prove was intentionally set on fire so imagine my shock when I was happily vacationing in New York City doing my best to avoid the plague carrying hobos and those weird dream covers that are always belching clouds of foil smell and steam like there's a [ __ ] understand covered volcano beneath Manhattan Island when I finally caught the season finale come back to me gladriel look at me good [ __ ] God just when I think the shows finally hit rock bottom there it goes digging ever deeper into the inky darkness of creative Oblivion well it seems they've awoken their very own drunken balrog with this one and I'm here to spread fiery destruction over the rings of power one last time before I go back to sleep so the story if you can even call it that picks up with nobody's favorite character Galadriel who arrives in a region with a badly injured not Sauron after riding there for six days and nights so that he can get medical treatment well he survived a hard ride over rough Terrain in all kinds of weathers with a badly infected wound for six days and nobody thinks that's even slightly suspicious anyway wouldn't you know it he quickly recovers off screen within a matter of hours because the writers don't know what the [ __ ] they're doing and he's just in time to help kill a brimbor with a thorny little problem you remember Keller brimbor don't you the master metal worker of all the elves a man with thousands of years experience in every possible kind of craftsmanship whose already forgotten more about forging metal than any human could ever possibly learn well keep that one in mind because it'll be important in a minute see his problem is that he wants to use the mithril discovered by the dwarves to make something that will reverse the decline of Elvish magic in Middle Earth but after discovering it jiren's father shot down the mine so they started digging again and then jiren's father shut down the mine again and then everyone got the huff and elrond was only allowed to take a small sample away with him [ __ ] genius writing on this show by the way we definitely haven't been going in circles for the past seven episodes but wait a minute I thought the point of me throw in this show was that it had to be in close proximity to the elves to reverse their decline which is why they needed huge amounts of it what's the point in forging it into one single object that can only ever be in one place at a time is it supposed to be like some kind of TV transmitter broadcasting Good Vibes to all of elfdom the point is there's not enough mithral to work into a usable object but luckily not Sauron shows up just in time to suggest alloying it with other metals to increase its Effectiveness oh my goodness you'd think Keller brimbor of all people would have been familiar with the idea of combining Metals together to produce stronger Alloys but not here of course because the characters only ever as smart as the person writing them so anyway the Elven Smiths get to work and wouldn't you know it not Sauron is right there with them because suddenly he's equally as skilled and knowledgeable as people thousands of years older than him wow these elves are a trusting Bunch aren't they I mean this is a guy they know almost nothing about who survived the wound that should have killed a normal man and seems to know way more than any human should about the top secret work that's going on here this should be a very obvious red flag that not Sauron is more than he appears to be gentleman but sure just let him into the most sensitive and important facility in your entire civilization to take part in a project on which the very survival of your speed depends can't see this one going wrong anyway now it's time to catch up with not Gandalf who's out wandering alone in the woods when he runs into these [ __ ] things seriously I've got no idea what their [ __ ] made-up names are supposed to be in this show but since they remind me of Grace from Terminator dark fate from now on I'm just gonna call them androgynous things so the androgynous things turn out to be Sauron worshipers and they believe that not Gandalf is actually Sauron returned to Middle Earth with his memories conveniently wiped and it's up to them to remind him of who he really is so he can get back to his job of Conquering the worlds and their reason for believing this and not seeking any precautions that he might be someone else or why they even support him in the first place don't know but it doesn't really matter anyway because female Frodo and the not Hobbits show up just in time to fight the androgynous things by throwing rocks at them yeah sure okay but then a really confusing thing happens because they free not Gandalf from his imprisonment but then it turns out to be really not Gandalf because he's actually one of the androgynous things in Disguise which means they must have been aware of the not Hobbit's presence to have tied up one of their own mates to act as B so if that's the case why didn't they just kill them right away instead of going through this elaborate time wasting [ __ ] and where did they actually put not Gandalf while all this was going on anyway whatever androgynous things start setting everything on fire and it looks like the not Hobbits are about to get rusted alive finally a plot development I can get behind but then not Gandalf conveniently shows up anyway and blasts the androgynous things with his magical shouty voice and then they turn into ring wreaths wait how can you have ring race when the Rings don't actually exist yet or is it just because the showrunners saw the Battle of weathertop and decided that looks cool let's just do that so anyway the androgynous things are taken care of but oh no Lenny Henry took a fatal injury during the battle I mean I assume it happened here when he took a [ __ ] Ninja Blade to the gut but then he seems totally fine for the rest of the fight moving into fighting like he's a hundred percent so your guess is as good as mine on this one either way I love that he gives absolutely zero [ __ ] that he's about to die reminds me of David Carradine's performance in future Force you come easy go the way he delivers his lines here he could just as easily be talking about heading down to the grocery store to pick up a six-pack of beer I'm afraid I'm about to go a Wandering off Trail it's also extremely convenient that he wants to sit there and watch the sunrise for the last time and the son Julie obliges by Rising within mere seconds almost like they were sitting on a sound stage and someone was standing by to move a lamp into position at just the right moments like imagine how awkward this would have been if Sunrise was still hours away and they all just had to sit there making awkward small sock until it finally happens so like what do you use to glue your sideburns on so anyway he dies and then it's revealed that not Gandalf is in fact actual Gandalf which is funny because he's not due to show up in Middle Earth for a couple of thousand years yet but whatever who cares about contradicting established lore I also think it's kind of interesting because I actually considered and then totally dismissed the possibility of this guy being Gandalf weeks ago on the grounds that it was so [ __ ] obvious and shamefully exploitative but even the absolute simpletons right in this show wouldn't have done it but he rings of power continues to surprise me with its terrible writing anyway then it's time for the plot to switch over to numenor where yeah foreign sister has been commissioned to do a portrait of the dying Kings so they can build a lovely tomb for him when he dies and naturally she's been left alone and unguardied in his inner Chambers because that's totally what would happen with the leader of an entire nation then he goes a bit nuts because he's senile and confuses her with diverse Queen lady and opens up a hidden doorway that leads up to the palantir upstairs mostly because his elder sister was added in at the 11th Hour as a made-up character for this show because this show has to reflect the world we live in today the only problem is that he couldn't actually think of anything to do with her which is why she spent the past seven episodes standing around looking vaguely worried about stuff anyway it's time to grit our teeth and finally push this turd out our girl Galadriel finally realizes that something's up with not Sauron when she digs up the records of the kings of the Southlands and discovers that the last one of them died a thousand years ago and so naturally she goes to confront not cyron about it with no backup and no protection and that's when he Reveals His true identity I have had many names [Music] what's the [ __ ] you're seriously telling me that nobody amongst the elves who were actually alive a thousand years ago including Galadriel herself ever remembered any of this stuff none of the southwinders mentioned how crazy it was that a man claiming to be their King happened to return when his lines supposedly ended centuries before they were born nobody did any digging into not sauron's lineage before now seriously [ __ ] off show I've seen soap operas that are better written than this garbage anyway so not Sauron turns out to be actual Sauron in a move that anyone with more than two functional brain cells could have predicted about 30 seconds of him showing up honestly it just like Gandalf this was such an obvious play that I genuinely expected it to be some kind of Double Bluff like he actually turns out to be a good guy all along and [ __ ] Doughboy here ends up being Sauron in Disguise but nope it's just as obvious as it seemed anyway Sauron tries to sway Galadriel to his side because she's apparently so [ __ ] amazing that even the most powerful entity in Middle Earth just has to have her but she's like nah it'll be fine and then they yell at each other a bit and then he goes away and leaves her I'm not kidding he just kind of vanishes and leaves her alive even though it would have totally made sense to dispose of such a powerful enemy while he had the chance but nah a character is only ever as smart as the person writing them and as we've learned over the past eight episodes the people writing these characters are absolute simpletons so the entire season ends with the forging of the three Elven Rings which naturally turns out to be galadriel's idea because apparently no positive decisions can ever get made in this world without her direct involvement and then actual Sauron returns to Mordor to have a good long steering contest with Mount Doom [Music] Jesus what a [ __ ] nightmarious idiotic [ __ ] show this was gleefully trashing and bulldozing its way through the characters and lore and World building that Tolkien spent decades lovingly putting together the rings of power basically represents the Nader of Western culture a creatively bankrupt rehash of once great ideas covered with gaudy and pointless editions and driven entirely by money and greed and I think this finale is the ultimate expression of that as much as the previous episode was dumb as [ __ ] it was all about action and spectacle but the finale centered around payoffs and Revelations which only serves to expose how terrible the writing actually is there's nothing more tragic than watching a stupid person revealing what they think is some crazy piece of misdirection only for it to turn out exactly like everyone predicted right from the start everyone knew that halbrand was going to be Sauron the moment he was introduced everyone knew the Southlands was going to become Mordor and everyone knew the stranger was going to be a wizard and that wizard was probably gonna be Gandalf it's all so dumb so painfully obvious so focused on an audience that doesn't even exist the Lord of the Rings isn't like Star Wars where you can easily Court a casual audience of normies with only a passing knowledge of the lore it's a serious piece of fantasy that's practically defined by the detailed World building that underpins it and as a result it attracts an audience of serious fantasy enthusiasts the kind of people that are gonna get very pissed off very quickly if you try to [ __ ] with their worlds and that's exactly what this show is built on not only does It screw up the people in events that already existed but the things that it tries to add for itself are so inept and ridiculous and lacking in creativity that they generate absolutely no interest the scene where female Frodo has to say goodbye to female Sam is supposed to be some tear-jerking moment of poignant tragedy but I can honestly say I feel absolutely nothing when I was watching it why because I don't give a [ __ ] about either of these cardboard characters or their relationship because the script has done absolutely nothing to flesh them no there's no Nuance or layers to their personalities they're just soulless vehicles to drive the plot forwards and I think that criticism could basically apply to all aspects of rings of power it's what would happen if the Lord of the Rings was turned into a theme park ride at Disneyland the complex narratives and ideas and epic scope distilled down into a cheap simplistic series of quick dopamine hits designed to build money out of dumb hot dog and healing consumers before they move on in search of their next momentary thrill as I said during a recent rant on my open bar stream J.R.R Tolkien earned his place in our literary and cultural heritage through hard work creativity and passion Amazon on the other hand are trying to gain that same recognition and cultural impact by buying it their attitude seems to be that if you make enough noise and throw enough money at something then eventually you'll win simply by Drowning out all the other voices the Lord of the Rings is a monument to the power of one man's imagination while rings of power is a monument to corporate greed and hubris and well I know which side I'd rather choose now before I [ __ ] off to drown my sorrows in a pint of cheap vodka there was one little thing that I wanted to announce see as much as I like to [ __ ] and moan about the shortcomings of modern media I don't just want to be some [ __ ] who sits on the sidelines without at least trying to do something about it that's why I'm starting a little journey into the world of screenwriting and movie making myself and it all begins with Rogue elements a short film that I'm making in collaboration with a Canadian filmmaker we've got a script written by Yours Truly we've got actors directors production people and even stunt coordinators all signed up but the last piece of the puzzle that we really need to make this work is you see funnily enough making even a small film turns out to be a pretty expensive business if you want to do it right and believe me we really do this isn't going to be some no budget student film shot one afternoon on someone's iPhone it's intended to be a proper production made by a team of Industry professionals with all the equipment and expense that comes with it that's why I'm asking for your help that's right your Drinker needs you in the description below you'll find a link to the film's kickstarter page and if you're inclined to donate towards it then you'll get all kinds of lovely rewards from behind the scenes videos and production updates to private interviews and screenings with yours truly the more money we're able to put aside for this the better quality and more ambitious we can make the end product and if it all goes well then it will lead into bigger and better projects in future and possibly even full-length movies further down the roads I mean I don't imagine I'm going to be putting Disney and Amazon out of business anytime soon but I want to at least take a shot at producing something good and with enough people involved maybe we can actually start to make a difference either way I'll leave it up to you to make your own decision anyway that's all I've got for today go away now

Channel: The Critical Drinker

Views: 2,734,445

Keywords: amazon, lord of the rings, galadriel, feminism, sauron, review, critical drinker, funny, feminist

Id: 1Uv9SQSJ8R8

Length: 15min 6sec (906 seconds)

Published: Thu Oct 20 2022