The Power of Radical Honesty - Dr. Anna Lembke

[Music] thank you hi welcome to a special  episode of after skool I'm Dr Ana Lembke   professor of Psychiatry and addiction medicine  at Stanford University School of Medicine and   I'm really excited for you to watch this  animation on radical honesty let's Dive In   every major religion and code of ethics  has included honesty as essential to its   moral teachings all my patients who have achieved  long-term recovery have relied on truth-telling as   critical for sustained mental and physical health  I too have become convinced that radical honesty   is not just helpful for limiting compulsive  over consumption but also at the core of a   life well lived the question is how does telling  the truth improve our lives let's first establish   that telling the truth is painful we are Wired  from the earliest ages to lie and we all do it   whether or not we care to admit it children  begin lying as early as Age Two the smarter   the kid the more likely they are to lie and the  better they are at it lying tends to decrease   between ages 3 and 14 possibly because children  become more aware of how lying harms other people   on the other hand adults are capable of more  sophisticated anti-social lies than children   as the ability to plan and remember becomes more  advanced the average adult tells between 0.59 and   1.56 lies daily liar liar pants on fire we've  all got a little smoke coming off our shorts   humans are not the only animals with the capacity  for deception the animal kingdom is Rife with   examples of deception as a weapon and a shield  the Loma chusa pubicolas Beetle for example is   able to penetrate ant colonies by pretending  to be one of them something it accomplishes by   emitting a chemical substance that makes it smell  like an ant once inside the beetle feeds on ant   eggs and larvae but no other animal Rivals the  human capacity for lying evolutionary biologists   speculate that the development of human language  explains our tendency and Superior ability to lie   The Story Goes Like This the evolution of homo  sapiens culminated in the formation of large   social groups large social groups were possible  because of the development of sophisticated forms   of communication allowing for advanced Mutual  cooperation words used to cooperate can also be   used to deceive and misdirect the more advanced  the language the more sophisticated the lies   lies arguably have some adaptive Advantage when it  comes to competing for scarce resources but lying   in a world of Plenty risks isolation craving and  pathological over-consumption let me explain in   today's world of overwhelming abundance it is easy  to slip into behaviors that feel good in the short   term but are ultimately destructive in the long  term we engage in lying and create a false Persona   or a mask to cover up our behaviors which leads to  shame and isolation and fuels ongoing consumption   we cannot get out of this cycle of destructive  shame that fuels addiction until we stop lying   and start being who we really are radical honesty  telling the truth about things large and small is   essential not just to recovery from addiction but  for all of us trying to live a more Balanced Life   in our reward saturated ecosystem it works on many  levels first radical honesty promotes awareness of   our actions second it Fosters intimate human  connections third it leads to a truthful   autobiography which holds us accountable not  just to our present but also to our future selves   further telling the truth is contagious and might  even prevent the development of future addiction   awareness lying can become so routine that  we are unaware that we are even doing it I   call this the lying habit to restore a truthful  Narrative of Our Lives we must become aware of The   Lies We Tell ourselves and others recounting  our experiences gives us Mastery over them   whether in the context of psychotherapy  talking to an AAA sponsor confessing to a   priest confiding in a friend or writing in  a journal our honest disclosure brings our   Behavior into relief allowing us in some cases  to see it for the first time this is especially   true for behaviors that involve a level of  automaticity outside of conscious awareness   when I was compulsively reading romance novels  I was only partially aware of doing so that is   to say I was aware of the behavior at  the same time I was not aware of it   this is a well-recognized phenomenon in addiction  a kind of half-conscious state akin to a waking   dream often referred to as denial denial is  likely mediated by a disconnect between the   reward pathway part of our brain and the higher  cortical brain regions that allow us to narrate   the events of Our Lives appreciate consequences  and plan for the future many forms of addiction   treatment involve strengthening and renewing  connections between these parts of the brain   honesty promotes intimate human connections  telling the truth draws people in especially when   we're willing to expose our own vulnerabilities  this is counter-intuitive because we assume that   unmasking the less desirable aspects of ourselves  will drive people away it logically makes sense   that people would distance themselves when they  learn about our character flaws and transgressions   in fact the opposite happens people come closer  they see in our Brokenness their own vulnerability   in humanity they are reassured that they are  not alone in their doubts fears and weaknesses   intimacy is its own source of dopamine oxytocin  a hormone much involved with falling in love   Mother child bonding and lifetime pair bonding of  sexual mates binds to receptors on the dopamine   secreting neurons in the brain's reward pathway  and enhances the firing of the reward circuit   tract in other words oxytocin leads to an increase  in brain dopamine while truth-telling promotes   human attachment compulsive over consumption  of high dopamine Goods is the antithesis of   human attachment consuming leads to isolation  and indifference as the drug comes to replace   the reward obtained from being in relationship  with others experiments show that a free rat will   instinctively work to free another rat trapped  inside a plastic bottle but once that free rat   has been allowed to self-administer heroin  it is no longer interested in helping out the   cage dread presumably too caught up in an opioid  Haze to care about a fellow member of its species   any behavior that leads to an increase in  dopamine has the potential to be exploited   what I'm referring to is a kind of disclosure porn  that has become prevalent in modern culture where   revealing intimate aspects of Our Lives becomes  a way to manipulate others for a certain type of   selfish gratification rather than to Foster  intimacy through a moment of shared Humanity   there is a well-known phenomenon in AAA called  drunkologs referring to Tales of intoxicated   exploits that are shared to entertain  and show off rather than teach and learn   drunkologs tend to trigger craving rather  than promote recovery the line between   honest self-disclosure and a manipulative  drunk log is a fine one including subtle   differences in content tone Cadence and  affect but you know it when you see it   truthful autobiographies create accountability  single simple truths about our day-to-day lives   are like links in a chain that translate  into truthful autobiographical narratives   autobiographical narratives are an essential  measure of lived time the stories we narrate   about our lives not only serve as a measure  of our past but can also shape future Behavior   in the more than 20 years as a psychiatrist  listening to tens of thousands of patient   stories I have become convinced that the way  we tell our personal stories is a marker and   predictor of Mental Health patients who tell  stories in which they are frequently the victim   seldom-bearing responsibility for bad outcomes are  often unwell and remain unwell they are too busy   blaming others to get down to the business of  their own recovery by contrast when my patients   start telling stories that accurately portray  their responsibility I know they're getting better   the victim narrative reflects a wider societal  Trend in which we're all prone to see ourselves   as the victims of circumstance and deserving  of compensation or reward for our suffering   even when people have been victimized if the  narrative never moves Beyond victimhood it's   difficult for healing to occur one of the jobs of  good Psychotherapy is to help people tell healing   stories if autobiographical narrative is a river  Psychotherapy is the means by which that river is   mapped and in some cases rerouted healing stories  adhere closely to real life events seeking and   finding the truth or the closest approximation  possible with the data at hand affords us the   opportunity for real insight and understanding  which in turn allows us to make informed choices   as I have alluded to before the modern practice  of psychotherapy sometimes falls short of that   lofty goal we as mental health care providers  have become so caught up in the practice of   empathy that we've lost sight of the fact that  empathy without accountability is a short-sighted   attempt to relieve suffering if the therapist and  patient recreate a story in which the patient is a   Perpetual victim of forces beyond their control  chances are good that the patient will continue   to be victimized but if the therapist can help the  patient take responsibility if not for the event   itself and for how they react to it in the here  and now that patient is empowered to move forward   with their life I have been deeply impressed with  AA philosophy and teachings on this point one of   the preeminent AA mottos often printed in bold  type on its brochure is quote I am responsible   in addition to responsibility Alcoholics Anonymous  emphasizes rigorous honesty as a central precept   of its philosophy and these ideas go together the  fourth of aaa's 12 steps requires members to take   a searching and fearless moral inventory in which  the individual considers his or her Character   defects and how they have contributed to a problem  step is the confession step this is where AAA   members admit to God to ourselves and to another  human being the exact nature of our wrong this   straightforward practical and systematic approach  can have a powerful and transformative impact   a truthful autobiographical narrative further  allows us to be more authentic spontaneous and   free in the moment the psychoanalyst Donald  winicot introduced the concept of the Fall   self in the 1960s according to winicot the  fall self is a self-constructed Persona   in defense against intolerable external  demands and stressors winicot postulated   that the creation of the false self can lead to  feelings of profound emptiness no there there   social media has contributed to the problem of  the false self by making it far easier for us and   even encouraging us to curate narratives  of Our Lives that are far from reality   in his online life my patient Tony a young man  in his 20s ran every morning to take in the   sunrise spent the day engaged in constructive  and ambitious Artistic Endeavors and was the   recipient of numerous Awards in his real life he  could barely get out of bed compulsively looked   at pornography online struggled to find gainful  employment and was isolated depressed and suicidal   little of his real day-to-day life  was evident on his Facebook page   when our lived experience diverges from  our projected image we are prone to feel   detached and unreal as fake as the false images  we've created psychiatrists call this feeling   derealization and depersonalization it's a  terrifying feeling which commonly contributes   to thoughts of suicide after all if we don't feel  real ending Our Lives feels inconsequential the   antidote to the false self is the authentic self  radical honesty is a way to get there it tethers   us to our existence and makes us feel real in the  world it also lessens the cognitive load required   to maintain all those lies freeing up mental  energy to live more spontaneously in the moment   when we're no longer working to present a false  self we're more open to ourselves than others   as the psychiatrist Mark Epstein wrote in his  book going on being about his own journey toward   authenticity no longer endeavoring to manage  my environment I began to feel invigorated   to find a balance to permit a feeling of  connection with the spontaneity of the   natural world and with my own inner nature  truth-telling is contagious and so is lying   Lao Tzu wrote If you don't trust people you  make them untrustworthy trust is something   that takes time and effort to build and can  be destroyed in an instant Friedrich Nietzsche   wrote I'm not upset that you lied to me I'm  upset that from now on I can't believe you   telling the truth is a two-way street by being  open and honest with others we Inspire them to   be open and honest with us if you don't trust  yourself you will live in fear that others will   betray you so honesty starts with not lying to  yourself and this honesty has a contagious effect   conclusion my patients have taught me that  Honesty enhances awareness creates more   satisfying relationships holds us accountable  to a more authentic narrative and strengthens   our ability to delay gratification it may even  prevent the future development of addiction   for me honesty is a daily struggle there's  always a part of me that wants to embellish   the story just the slightest bit to make myself  look better or to make an excuse for bad behavior   now I try hard to fight that urge although  difficult in practice this handy little tool   telling the truth is amazingly within our reach  anyone can wake up on any given day and decide   today I won't lie about anything and in doing  so not just change their individual lives for   the better but maybe even change the world thanks  for watching this episode of after skool if you   want to learn more you might try my book dopamine  Nation finding balance in the age of indulgence [Music]

Channel: After Skool

Views: 751,128

Keywords:

Id: tw0sskCqrpI

Length: 15min 59sec (959 seconds)

Published: Tue Jun 06 2023