How to Be More Straightforward

a basic distinction in humans is between those who are straightforward to deal with and those who are as we tend to be reminded whenever we interact with them repeatedly tricky or complicated to handle what makes straightforward people gratifying to be around isn't so much that their positions and intentions are always inherently unproblematic it's that we happen to know exactly what the issues are from the start there is therefore no need to guess decode untangle and scramble or translate there are no sudden surprises or revolutions in perspective if these straightforward types don't want to do something they will politely and in good time explain that it's really not for them if they're unhappy with our behavior they won't smile sweetly while developing noxious stores of envy or hatred in the recesses of their minds they will immediately provide a gentle but accurate statement of how we are frustrating them if they're worried a project is going awry they won't pretend that all is well until a catastrophe can no longer be denied if they're attracted to someone they will find charming kind and inoffensive ways of making their feelings clear and in bed they may want to please but they can also be honest and unashamed about what actually pleases them the problem with complicated people is that they are painfully unsure about the legitimacy of their own desires which renders them unable to let the world know what they truly want and feel they may appear to agree with everything we're saying but it emerges very far down the line that they had a host of reservations that require an age to uncover and resolve they will ask you if you'd like another slice of cake when it turns out that they are pining for one they will swear that they want to join you for the dinner you'd suggested when in reality they'd been aching for an early night they will give every impression of being happy with you while crying inside they will say sorry when they want you to apologize they feel overlooked but won't ever push themselves forward or raise a complaint they're longing to be understood but never speak when they're attracted to someone the only outward evidence might be a few sarcastic comments leaving the object of their affections bemused or unimpressed around sex they go along with what they feel might be normal as opposed to what actually interests them what could explain such confusing complexity the root cause is poignant it springs not from evil or inherent manipulativeness but from fear the fear of how an audience might respond were one's true intentions to be known there is as ever likely to be a childhood origin to this pattern of behavior a child becomes complicated that is underhand roundabout or even deceitful when it's given the impression by its earliest caregivers that there is no room for its honesty one can imagine a child whose needs for another biscuit for a run around the garden for help with homework or for a chance not to see granny might have been received with irritation or open anger it never quite knew when its parents would get annoyed or explode or why or else a child might have sensed that a parent would be unbearably saddened if it revealed too many of its authentic aspirations why would one directly say how one felt or what one wanted if the result were to be shouting tears or a complaint from a loved but fragile grown-up that this was a betrayal or all simply too much and so the child grew into an adult expert speaking in emotional code they became someone who prefers always to imply rather than state who planes the edge of every truth who hedges their ideas who's given up trying to say anything that its audience might not already want to hear someone who lacks any courage to articulate their own convictions or to make any even slightly risky bid for the affection of another person fortunately none of us are fated to be eternally complicated we can untangle ourselves by noticing and growing curious about the origins of our habitual evasiveness and reluctant slyness we can register how little of our truth was originally acceptable to those who brought us into the world simultaneously we can remind ourselves that our circumstances have changed the dangers that gave birth to our coded manner of communicating have passed no one is now going to shout at us or feel inexplicably hurt like they once did or if they do we have agency we can as a last but crucial resort walk away we can use the freedoms of adulthood to dare to own up to more of who we actually are we can also recognize that our complicated behavior doesn't in fact please people as we might have hoped most of the people we deal with would far rather be frustrated head-on than sold a fine tail and then have to suffer disappointment in gradual doses human interaction is inherently filled with a risk of conflict we are never far from misaligned goals and divergent desires however the straightforward people among us have known enough love and acceptance early on to be able to bear the danger of ruffling a few feathers they invest their energies in trying to deliver their truths with thoughtful diplomacy rather than in burying them badly beneath temporary and saccharine smiles we will discover simple communication when we can accept that what we want is almost never impossible for others to bear it is the cover-up that always maddens and pains did you know that we work with businesses we teach emotional skills for a thriving workplace click the link on screen now to find out more you

Channel: The School of Life

Views: 850,068

Keywords: the school of life, schooloflife, education, relationships, alain de botton, philosophy, talk, self, improvement, big questions, love, wellness, mindfullness, psychology, how, to, hack, how to be more honest, straightforward, complicated, complicated vs straightforward, how to panic less, how to be free, self improvement, the school of life anxiety, the school of life love, कैसे कम जटिल और अधिक सरल हो, Cómo ser menos complicado y más sencillo., 如何减少复杂性和直接性

Id: OhX8D18VncU

Length: 6min 28sec (388 seconds)

Published: Wed Oct 21 2020