The 'Gamer' Movie is a Strange Mess

gamer is a 2009 movie starring sexy muscle action man gerard butler it's the brainchild of directing duo mark neville dean and brian taylor who are also responsible for such works as crank and crank 2 where other sexy muscle action man jason statham barack obama plays an assassin that has to constantly keep his adrenaline high to stay alive the humble green screen they also directed one of the ghost rider movies and he's in fortnite now so we got to get a dub with ghost rider we just have to now gamer scored a 5.8 out of 10 on imdb and an overall 27 on metacritic with such reviews as one out of 10 what a load of rubbish one out of 10 is offensively stereotypical one out of ten about as entertaining as having your legs amputated and two out of ten seriously and when it comes to box office performance gamer had a budget of 50 million dollars and on release managed to pull in a whopping 42 million dollars now i've already made my opinion on the use of the word gamer in popular media pretty clear but when i was making that video this movie just seemed to keep popping up all over the place and at first i just forcefully pushed it to the back of my mind acting like it never existed but recently i did the unthinkable i watched it and boy was it something the movie opens with gerard's character cable running and gunning his way through a derelict building riddled with baddies which in theory sounds like a pretty action-packed opening to a film except it seems that the editors were in the process of having a [ __ ] seizure i mean the amount of quick cuts glitch effects and jarring camera movements in the opening sequence alone is enough to make you stop watching the film in the first five minutes it actually got physically difficult to understand what was happening at points due to all the random [ __ ] all over the screen and the quick unnecessary cutaway to some bloke tea bag and a dead body not to mention the color grading looks like somebody just got the saturation slider on premiere pro and slammed that [ __ ] down to five percent i mean god knows what drugs these two run in the studio but hook me up with some of that [ __ ] asap after the vomiting inducing editing montage sequence cable eventually manages to make his way to the save point and the title screen rolls gamer look guys it's the word the cool word is on the screen that's me that's me i'm on the video look look look look on his way back from the battleground we learned that cable's real name is john tellman and over here one of the soldiers mentioning that he only has three battles left see you got three battles left but flash forward to the regularly saturated real world where popular late night host gina parker smith is excited to have an interview with billionaire businessman ken castle played by michael c hall we live in society [Music] castle found most of his fortune through the creation of society an online open world sim environment and an obvious parody of second life or that weird playstation home game but rather than players controlling digital characters they take control of real living breathing humans hey everyone that have volunteered to be part of the society in exchange for money society took the world by storm becoming the number one guilty pleasure of billions you can get paid to be controlled or you can pay to control rickety dickie do an overly sexual environment where people walk around with user names like vagina blender and my balls hurt and apparently all of this somehow made castle the richest man in the world and generating one of the world's largest private fortunes surpassing bill gates practically overnight but castle is ultimately on the show to reveal his latest business venture slayers slayers slayer are somewhat similar format to society but this time it's a first-person shooter setting where all the characters are real death row inmates that use real weapons to really kill each other and for some reason the audience applaud this idea slaves if society let us live through others slayers who let us die through others thanks to a shitty animation we learned that the prisoners have a nano cell planted into their brain that allows them to be remotely controlled by the player castle also explains that prisoners can volunteer to become a slayer and in exchange if they manage to survive 30 matches under the control of their player they earn freedom and their prison sentence is revoked i'm sure you know that every last one of our slayers is a bona fide death row inmate each one offered the chance to participate as an alternative to their sentence you stay alive for 30 sessions you get set free that's not a bad goddamn deal we also learn that cable is one of these slayers being controlled by 17 year old epic gamer simon silverton which explained the opening sequence with cable being controlled through the battle by simon with cable being the best performing slayer on the program with 27 battles survived out of the needed 30. after the interview gina and ken's conversation is suddenly interrupted when the studio's lcd screens are hacked by activist organization humans run by no other than ludicrous ladies and gentlemen i go by the name of ludacris i'm the third lil piggy pies and cakes i make [ __ ] eat dirt and fart dust who sends a message to the public stating that castle's mind control technology will eventually end up being used to control people against their will basically just calling castle a piece of [ __ ] we have no idea but castle doesn't seem particularly fazed by ludicrous criticism though because he goes on to flirt with gina and then suck his magical lollipop that disappears between camera angles in a strange change of mood we cut to the bleak white sand dunes of the prison system where one of the prisoners has managed to cut free and caves one of the officers sculling with a rock he gets caught runs away and then shoots into the sky with absolutely no explanation at all [Music] meanwhile cable is experiencing a generic movie flashback moment to spending time with his family before being rudely interrupted by this pointless side character with a gammy tooth colgate total has complete 12 hour protection he asks cable how we ended up in prison prompting yet another flashback where we see a man dead at a table unknown to cable outside of the prison his wife angie is running low on money so of course she decides to volunteer to join the society to get some extra cash great and you know what that means another excuse to push an overly sexual montage full of nudity and random shock imagery but if angie has joined the society as an actor who is the player controlling her well it's none other than a fat morbidly obese sweaty redditor that dunks his waffles in maple syrup before shoving them down his gullet [Music] i guess this was the filmmaker's take on a stereotypical basement dwelling gamer because why not release a movie with the title gamer and then go on to insult the look of a gamer in the movie called gamer nice job team he eventually manages to control angie to flirt with some random bloke wearing a plastic pig snout lucky you you met me [Music] but before the sweaty reddit man can get his nut off he gets a screamer from ludicrous what's going on ladies and gentlemen cable is also visited in prison by a mysterious figure that hands him the crumpled up image of his daughter that angie was looking at earlier on after signing an autograph he gets jabbed in the hand with a strange device seemingly taking a blood sample [Music] but before cable even has time to ask why the mysterious figure has vanished back on the battleground cable takes part in his 28th game in yet another pointless and unnecessary gory action scene filled to the brim with excessive gunfire and bloodshed for shock value but we do get a clear review of simon actually controlling cable this time eventually we learned that cable won the match managing to slaughter 132 other slayers throughout the game and it turns out that millions of people around the world were tuned in to watch cable brutally murder people on tv you know just cheering with a cold beer while a man gets his head blown off with a rifle [ __ ] yeah and they clearly just used footage from huge real world events and played it off like these were massive crowds watching slayers live on tv so as the 28th battle rounds to a close we finally get properly introduced to cable's player and puppet master of sorts simon as he wanders into his bedroom that it's just a comically large 360 lcd screen now i get what they were going for with this it's kind of like that black mirror episode where daniel kaluya's character spends most of his time in a room made entirely of screens except that episode was good and well written and this movie is [ __ ] gay gay gay terribly gay somebody had to write this line into the script anyway simon makes contact with the likes of sticky muffin and [ __ ] dumpsters where they engage in a highly intellectual conversation you want to see breasts simon yes boobies i think it's pretty safe to say that neville dean and taylor are a pair of raging horny perverts that can only create movies that feature every five minutes and hope that that makes up for the painfully far-fetched bad storytelling and you know what i think it's working you earned a platinum medal eventually after simon's sexual driven nonsense the screen seems to abruptly cut to a video it depicts the same interrogation room from cable's flashback in the prison but this time we see a couple of frames that reveal that cable was ultimately the killer but his motive is still unclear a voice explains to simon that he can download walkie talkie.exe a hack that when enabled will allow simon to communicate with cable during their matches via voice chat a feature that isn't legally an option within the slayers program [Music] if you want to talk to cable we can show [Music] meanwhile at ken castle's base of operations castle and his men discussed cable's recent performance and how he managed to win his 28th consecutive game it becomes pretty quickly apparent that castle feels threatened by how well cable is performing match after match and unveils a plan to kill cable off terry crews gamer terry crews is his master plan man gaming all day i got these headphones too i'm trying to set them up after unveiling terry crews castle makes the point that the one thing that is limiting cable's performance in matches is his ping yeah cable's a perfect soldier he's a tactical killing computer his only vulnerability is the nanex itself the pink the delay between simon's commands and cable's ability to execute although castle reveals that unlike the other slayers terry crews won't be controlled by a real human player meaning no ping and therefore instant reaction time so why should this one be any different who controls him no one gaming cable first lays eyes on terry in the prison where he learns that after a string of murders he seemingly just turned himself in and killed himself all kinds of people and then one day he just walks up and turns himself in like he wants to be inside of some crazy [ __ ] like that at the shooting range cable explains to one of the prison guards how it feels to be controlled by the player that it's like you're a robot being moved around wishing that he had more control completely move around like a robot a shirtless terry finally runs into cable in the prison bathrooms he threatens his wife and daughter then reveals to cable the fact that he has no player controlling him through the medium of a pinocchio song they've got strings but you can see there are no strings on me caught forward to the start of the 29th match as we see all the slayers leaving the spawn area it's here that cable first realizes that he can hear simon through the voice hack cable dude it's me it's me simon i'm i'm playing you after some back and forth conflict and the death of cable's buddy simon starts to listen to cable allowing him to choose the path around the map the two of them eventually reach a restricted area and cable demands that simon takes them past it but of course simon informs cable that the game doesn't physically let him pass that point it's restricted area it's beyond the borders of the game i couldn't put you there even if i try 72 games stop right there after a huge explosion terry appears out of nowhere him cable and simon have a fistfight but terry manages to come out on top he aims his gun down at cable's head pulls the trigger and the movie ends now i'm just kidding the match ends before he has time to kill cable so cable kicks him in the balls but just before he gets dragged away he tells simon via voice chat that the only real way he'll defeat terry is if simon gives up control of cable and cuts him loose so i can beat them but not with you controlling me what the hell are you talking about turn me loose kid you want to win turn me loose let's find a way meanwhile we cut back to angie where we find out that she's struggling to win custody of her daughter delia her name is delia and that she's been fostered by an extremely rich family your child has been exceedingly well placed the new family is very wealthy she will never want for anything now i can understand that you love your daughter she gets laughed at and then walks away simon is [ __ ] around in his gamer room looking at upgrades for cable before he screen books and he's visited by a massive ludicrous no [ __ ] no [ __ ] he informs simon of castle's plan to kill cable off and tries to convince simon to give up control of cable reluctantly simon agrees it is again you want to win don't you yeah i intend to well then you need to cut your strings puppet master imagine a slayer that don't gotta wait to be told what to do no ping cause the game's gotta evolve you feel me i do one thing i don't understand is how and why was simon picked to control cable did they just join a random cod lobby and pick a player at random to control cable the film just gives no backstory on simon at all i mean let's be real with all the blood and gore in slayers it would most definitely be rated in 18 and in that case simon isn't even legally old enough to play the game he's supposedly the best at simon isn't the only one that's been paid a visit back in his prison cell cable is visited a second time the visitor tells cable that they know that he's been talking to simon and reveals castle's plan to murder him in cold blood the visitor also mentions to cable that on the outside his wife and daughter need his help and he has to come up with a plan to escape as soon as possible cable takes in the newfound info and asks for a singular item i need you to give me something cue the start of game 30 cable's last match and what was that singular item you ask well none other than a bottle of vodka cable literally slams the entire bottle and smashes a security camera the alcohol then somehow takes effect in a couple of seconds with cable rolling all around the battlefield simon watches the drunk antics from his gamer room kill something [Music] eventually cable makes his way into a car park finds a straight car and then vomits and pisses into the fuel tank p actually has the same sort of elements that uh field does he smashes the window hot wires the car and floors that [ __ ] but terry pounces on the car frantically trying to blow cable's brains out cable gives him a few swift elbows and smashes him against a concrete pillar cable supposedly sobers up instantly driving the car perfectly out onto the street there's some more all over the place generic action shots before cable crashes the car through the map border he gets caught in a huge blast and we watch all the people around the world find out that cable has sadly died initial reports are that cable the most recognizable face of the slayers phenomenon next to ken castle himself is officially listed as fragged just one session away from being the first slayer ever to win a full pardon and release gina watches the broadcast from her studio and after hearing of cable's death she sets out to find cable's wife angie to get more info oh yes side note cable isn't dead he finds out that it was one of the humans that was paying him a visit in prison and she takes him to their hideout ludicrous loses a game of air hockey [ __ ] man you know that's [ __ ] and we discovered that the blood sample the humans got from cable in prison was taken so that they could track him and also aided in the creation of walkie talkie.exe she took my blood why the nanix it modifies the actual cell structure of your brain we can crack it but it's not just a one size fits all we need your dna so that we can generate custom code the humans splurt out some [ __ ] about the healthcare system and how bad of a person castle is but just as cable is leaving they reveal they know the location of his wife tell me we know where she is to society where we see that angie's in some sort of cyberpunk looking bar flooded with more unnecessary nudity and strange imagery in the worst sequence in the entire movie angie is approached by a bloke literally called rip his surname is rape because i guess somebody thought that that was a good idea the sweaty reddit man gets horned up again making angie flirt with rick against her will and they soon end up in a hotel room but before we can see rick's prick cable comes in and snaps his spine over his knee he then tries to get through to angie in a surreal sequence where we watched gerard butler talk to a sweaty redditor through his movie wife i have no doubt that reddit is improving my life cable then tries to help angie escape but terry is in the elevator he blast cable through a window but thankfully he was wearing the bulletproof vest that simon purchased for him before he was hacked by ludacris terry drags angie into the elevator and after two people walk in and randomly start making out terry quickly draws a knife angie panics but the sweaty reddit man controls her to give terry the go-ahead terry follows orders and the reddit man climaxes like he just got top post on our slash memes cable smashes terry against the wall smacks him across the face blows his foot off and manages to fend off against castle security for saying terry was meant to be castle's big plan to kill cable he was pretty [ __ ] i mean multiple opportunities to kill cable and he failed every single time once outside cable asks the reddit man where to go and he leads the two of them through a rave after making out of the club cable and angie get pulled up on by gina they climb into the van and she reveals that she's on their side and wants to help them take down castle because why not i guess the movie doesn't really explain why gina has any motive to do this i guess to get a story for a show but it all seems pretty far-fetched to do all of this just for a news story whilst all of this is taking place we see simon being interrogated by keith david he tries to get to the bottom of how cable escaped and if simon had anything to do with it overall they have a pretty in-depth conversation peanut butter almond butter walnut butter uh pecan butter pistachio butter um pretty much any kind of you know nut butter pistachio butter they make that it's awesome gina takes cable and angie back to the humans hideout where they take a sample of angie's blood to try and separate her link from the fat reddit man ludacris takes cable to one side where we find out that castle first tested the mind control technology on cable's best friend corporal travis scotch not to be confused with the epic fortnite rapper travis scott it's also revealed that after scotch cable was the second recipient of the nanite technology during his time in the military ludicrous also explains to cable that the humans need to know castle's motives behind the mind control program so they strap him to some funky tech so that they can access his memory bank it's here that we finally learned that the man in the interrogation room was cable's best pal the same travis scotch we see cable draw a gun and shoot scotch while under mind control from castle making sense of cable's prior flashbacks cable is reunited with a free dangie but soon learns that the wealthy family that adopted their daughter was actually ken castle spooky simon gets called out of his prison cell where we see that his screen room has been flooded with messages calling him a cheetah what a [ __ ] liar dude what a [ __ ] weasley little liar dude and learned that he's been locked out of the namex you have been banned from the mickey mouse club for inappropriate behavior as night force through the power of shitty green screen cable manages to sneak into castle's mansion on the mission to get his daughter back he eventually locates her quickly running up to her before he finds out that she's locked behind a screen cable wanders down a flight of stairs where he's met by castle that then breaks into a musical number i've got you under my skin and however much i hate to admit it ignoring how weird it is this scene was actually pretty good just the eerie song in the background as cable fights castle's men works really well sure the camera is still all over the place but the lighting along with the choreography actually kind of just makes the scene a good scene in gamer how dare he unsubscribes [ __ ] piece of [ __ ] during the fight scene we see that castle's men have raided the humans hideout and kills them all with the power of flashing lights cable finally comes face to face with castle you're awesome but before anything happens castle reminds cable that he has his daughter hostage so that he better not pull any funny business you just want your little sugar pie i know so don't do anything stupid my house my rules as castle leads cable onto his private basketball court he explains that years back he replaced 98 of his own consciousness with nanites meaning that he can control others at will and not be controlled himself i'm wired too i replaced 98 of my own noodle nano tissue years ago [Music] to transmit whereas every other nano cell that i put out there including the ones in your head cable designed to receive i think it you do it suddenly along comes terry whose foot is magically healed overnight this time castle is controlling him he finally has a chance to kill cable but yet again cable beats the living [ __ ] out of him breaking his arm smacking him around the face and then snapping his neck cable then picks up terry's knife and approaches castle castle rips his shirt off and the two go to battle cable swipes at him somehow leaving a wolverine-esque wound with a singular blade and it soon becomes apparent that castle has control of cable and has paralyzed him in place he marches angie and her daughter into the core and attempts to make cable kill them both but cable fights the urge slamming the knife down castle seemingly losing control cable lunges at castle but becomes locked in place yet again it turns out that gina of all people had somehow survived the human slaughter and managed to re-enable simon's nanex allowing him to take control of cable simon now in control of cable drives the knife into castle dropping to the floor dead oops [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] also it turns out that all of this was being broadcast live to the nation where everybody cheers for castle's death it seems that everybody in this universe just loves to watch murder on tv cable is reunited with his family they live happily ever after and the title credits roll all 10 minutes of them 10 minutes of the movie's run time is credits how did it take this many people to make a movie this [ __ ] overall gamer is a movie that if written well might have had an ounce of potential the movie is basically just 90 minutes of watching talented actors play two-dimensional shallow characters with motives that make no real sense and are just there to drive forward the shitty plot none of the performances were exactly bad but even an oscar-worthy acting performance couldn't save this movie it's a mess of jarring camera shots excessive generic action scenes along with a myriad of unanswered plot holes not to mention the film basically insults the people that it's named after i guess it's just another bad movie to add to neville dean and taylor's portfolio and more proof that anything with the word gamer attached to it is never a good thing how was gamer oh i didn't like it i didn't like that did you leave the theater early yeah i like action but it's not well put together i don't think i give it two stars out of ten seriously and with all of that said [Music] goodbye [Music] you

Channel: Joeseppi

Views: 3,654,368

Keywords: gamer, gamer movie, joeseppi

Id: nwRYze6ZikU

Length: 27min 1sec (1621 seconds)

Published: Sat Jan 02 2021