Don't Judge a Book By Its Cover (Full Comedy Special) | ALI SIDDIQ - Stand Up Comedy

[Music] e [Music] hey so I've only been on a stretcher twice okay and you know stretcher is not something that people desire to be on at all but I've been on the stretcher twice um two Tuesdays ago I'm at um the radio station cuz I do midday radio and I'm in the bathroom doing number one I washed my hands and after I washed my hands something in my head it was like a lot of pressure in my head and I said to myself you can't fall out in the bathroom I didn't drop my ear buzz in the in the restroom and threw them away so what I can't do is fall out in the restroom so I get myself together and I Tippy Toe all the way to just to get in back in the studio cuz I don't know what's going on right here but [ __ ] is bad and I'm and I get to the couch and I sit on the couch and my coworker he's inside the studio he looks at me he comes out the door he said hey man you good and I knew that it was about to go bad cuz I said no and as soon as I said no I grabbed the back of my head and I went down on the ground and when I'm going tell you something people y'all got to stop being in these religious you know sections like you do this you that doesn't people cuz when when you go down and you need some help it ain't about religion it's about the help so I work for the R&B station then it's the hip hop station then it's praise now I'm on the ground my coworkers say Ali's on the ground the lady from the praise station rushes out the lady know I'm Muslim my name is Ali sadik I'm musl and soon as she get over me she said Ali we going to be good Jesus is a healing God the lady rubbing her hands on me I said I hope he [Laughter] [Music] is I when you sick you don't care who and what God they calling on you just need the help that lady could have said Buddha I'm like where you at need to see him right now now I'm on the ground and this this is CA by stress this is stress didn't know that they thinking I'm having an aneurysm and I'm going just throw this out there people when somebody is going through something don't say none of the [ __ ] that you think is happening because I wasn't even panicking until I heard he may be having aneurysm I like aneurysm Jesus help me Jesus help me and where's Buddha I need everybody right now cuz this man saying add I wasn't think about no damn and now I'm going tell y'all what's the problem with this whole thing one I'm on the stretcher I don't know what's going on with me but my mind is focused on one thing I just talked crazy to the lady in the cafeteria about this damn potato salad I just said said something like I said y'all trying to sell that little ass thing of potato salad for $6 y'all crazy as hell I just complain about this potato Sal and I'm going tell you when you in a building when you in a building ambulance come up they got you you got to come out of the building I work in a tall building and I'm hoping cuz you know they GNA bring you out the building and I'm hoping the only person I don't want to see is this goddamn cafeteria like cuz I'm on a stretcher so I'm on a stretcher and they Wheeling me out and and I'm thinking that I'm I'm good until they strapped me down see when you when you not strapped in that mean you still you kind of okay but when they strap you in all you can see is up you like oh this [ __ ] bad this [ __ ] bad [ __ ] bad so they I'm on the elevator they coming down man trying to talk to me trying to keep me conscious what's your name man I told you my name up there [ __ ] I ain't got time all just talking then the elevator opens they turn me around and they willing me out this way soon as that elevator door open you know who's standing right there [Music] cafeteria lady just standing there and she going to mouth some mean [ __ ] to me I'm on talk you should ate the goddamn [Applause] [Music] potato first time I was ever on a stretcher and I'm going say this I want the men in here that's over 40 listen to me over 40 I know you get excited and you think that you still got it in whatever sport that you was good in cuz you you watch basketball and you be looking at the game and all of a sudden you start doing this [ __ ] why they don't go to the hole like this I always talking about what you would I would have took his ass this way and then post his ass up I always talking about what you would have did you know when you a bowler all of a sudden you just you know I my here with M but not realizing age it don't have to take a toll on you it just had to happen AE don't have to take a toll people like age a took no to no but it has happened so and then I I don't want to happen to you what happened to me so I'm I used to play basketball in the over 40 League I was in over 40 League the Y it's the Y you know that's what old man play the Y so I'm at the W playing and I'm MVP two years in a row they didn't gave me MVP two I'm out there killing they ass you know so I get cocky get little cocky and I took my MVP status down to the real gym 24-Hour Fitness where young boys play and let me tell you who don't give a damn about you being the MVP of the over 40 League young boys so I'm at I'm at the gym and this young boy I'm holding I got my defense down on this young boy my [ __ ] together but he talking and saying disrespectful [ __ ] while he doing all this old fancy ass dribbling I got my defense down to me look here look here U old school I said who is old scho he say man you uh [ __ ] you [Music] might might want to uh get somebody else to hold me cuz I'm I'm way too quick for your ass you know what I'm saying and and I'm I'm out there I'm out there with my defense and I say now what you don't know is what you're looking at is um the MVP or the for two years in a [Music] row what I should have did was listen to that young boy that young boy was way quicker than he let on man that man crossed me over so fast I know y'all know where the crossover is when somebody's dribbling that way it cut back this way real fast he crossed me over so fast I just went to the water fountain I like did you see him did you see him I had to ask other people did you see him cuz he was quick and and see in the over 40 League o older men we are very respectful of one another you what saying we do a move on you we just we just run down the court and point at you and get on back down the court young boys they want to taunt you I'm running out and cour this young boy skipping next to me yeah boy you just got your ass AI boy [Applause] I said AI what is AI this other young dude talk about hey y SCH I said go with the nickname [ __ ] again I said uh he said man you uh you know what AI is I said no he said Remember When Alan Iverson crossed over Jordan I said yeah that's what you call getting aied boy I said I'll be damn what you're not going to do is do a move on me and give me a nickname at the same time that's what you're not going so people don't realize the very next play very next play Jordan came down and hit a long range Jumper in Allan ion's face the very next play I said yeah that's what I'm going to do me and my mind was having a discussion yeah that's what you do and while we was having that discussion my body chimed in and say hey man um if you do any of that [ __ ] that you thinking about I'mma abandon your ass right in the middle I'm just giving you a heads up on what I'm going to do I don't listen to my body I don't listen to my body I'm about my mind ball up ball up ball up ran up on the young boy uhhuh long rain jumper hit the jumper and then lean back and my back went out now I'm going out the gym on a stretch right right when we got to the door I had to say wait wait wait wait wait wait my my son's in the daycare see 24-Hour Fitness has a place where they hold your children when you in the gym doing [ __ ] you shouldn't be doing they have a place so they he can't I can't get off the stretcher to show him which one is my son so they just picking up random black children showing to say this this you this you where is no no he said that's not him he say that's not him put that one back no what about what about this one this your no he said that's not him either put back the man going to bring me a third baby talk like now I know damn well this one yours he look just like you this Ain you so that's not that's not me either that's not me it took 15 minutes to find my son they didn't put my son on my chest now I'm just going out the gym like a NFL player sir do you know when you go out of a gym on the stretcher you can never return to this gym again 4 months later I come to the gym 4 months later soon as I walk in the gym the young Bo oh [ __ ] they going stretcher man I said get your ass out help the goddamn nickname she [Music] terrible do y'all know what divine intervention is you know what divine intervention so divine intervention is when something stops you from making a bad decision you know what I'm saying and it just comes out of nowhere you know it's not you know anything that you plan it just happens so I'm in my house and I'm sitting there and I'm and I'm contemplating very very heavy contemplating on putting my son in the boy Scouts not cuz I want him to be a Boy Scout I want him to be an eagle scout Eagle Scouts are like the Navy Seals of Boy Scouts like like a eagle scout is a very dangerous person Eagle Scout I don't know if y'all know this but Eagle Scouts are very dangerous so as I'm sitting there we very you know in deep concentration on this the TV's on but I'm really not paying attention to the TV and something gets my attention it says on the TV where you molested as a Boy Scout I said what my son comes around the corner I say hey boy you lucky this TV was on I'm about to send you to rape Camp Boy [Music] I never trusted it and I know I don't trust the Boy Scouts I know I did I never have is anybody in here you know they got to look you ain't got to say nothing they got a 1 1800 hotline if you want to call and get on the class action cuz something has happened in the wilderness with the I had never heard that before I was weirded out so my son is at the house being nothing [Music] playing Call of Duty something going to happen [ __ ] cuz I I be thinking about things and I want to let y'all know this too DC y'all have some very disrespectful homeless people I just want y'all to know that as well let's not get around that corner y'all homeless is out of control somebody need to talk to him this [ __ ] is insane I'm walking to the store across the street from my hotel just walk to the it's a man laying on the ground which is very homeless cuz regular people don't do that it's very homeless and he sleep he sleep and it's a lot of foot traffic P going past that man a lot of foot traffic but but he not waking up but something tells me I already know as soon as I get up there he going to wake up I know it I just know it so I'm walking past the man very gingerly I'm three steps in that man opened his eyes and looked me right in my face and I was trying to wonder why the [ __ ] was I looking at him for him to eye contact me why was I looking he said excuse me brother I said hey man um I am busy I don't have time for whatever [ __ ] you trying to run he said man do you have some change I said man I'm not trying to be in your business but this is like bad begging protocol you should ask people for money when they coming out not why they're walking in I said cuz most people don't know if they have enough money for the [ __ ] that they want in the store to be giving out some extra money so I said to myself today sir it's your lucky day I said cuz I'm one of the people I don't really like change in my pocket so I gave that man all my extra change and I went into the store my total was 1605 all I had was bills which is going to put more money more change back in my pocket so I went outside I went outside I said excuse me let me get a nickel of that chain that I just gave you you know the man act like I was paying hands to my man G on I ain't got nothing I said I just tell you something disrespectful [Music] [ __ ] me me and homeless people be getting into it all the time though cuz don't read they sign don't read they sign they sign let me tell you the ones I get into at all time are the ones that won't let you look to the left at the stoplight y your your direction say go left and you won't even look over there you just send your car your neck just straight cuz you know somebody is outside your window doing some [ __ ] first of all I'm not looking at you you offbeat I'm not looking get your ass out of [Music] here difficult in my family if you handicapped we don't give you no pass like we don't treat you no different that you handicapped we don't help you more we don't give a [ __ ] that you handicap you got to deal with it that's how my family is and it make my family stronger than other people my cousin Ricky has what they call the little legs okay what I call the little legs it's not the medical term that's not the medical term the little legs you know them little legs he can't even stand up on them little bitt [ __ ] they just they too brittle he can't get up on them he can't put his weight he can't put no weight up on they Britt this is my cous this not your cous this is my cous so and and he been talking [ __ ] since he was little you know he I get out this CH we get your little leg ass up then boy that's what we call him the legs so that's when he was younger now he he big he grown big he he 48 you know I'm saying same age as me now how old you thought I was man how old did you think I was so you already you you ahead of the joke you got to stay with me you laughing in the wrong spot [Music] I said 4 days do I look older than 48 this is the first time [ __ ] I thought I was living my life good like no get your goddamn old face ass out here [Music] so and and it's it's a lot going on with me up here y'all don't realize hey I'mma tell before I finish that I'mma tell every man in here if you take vitamins read the directions don't just be taking no random vitamins like you know like godamn Flintstones read the directions and I'm only telling y'all cuz what I'm going through right now up on on this stage I took my man gave me some vitamins called Mega Man and I didn't know you only supposed to take one I done took two of them [ __ ] it's like I'm on cocaine up here y'all don't understand it is a goddamn hamster on a wheel running fast inside my goddamn cuz I wasn't this hot when I was back there I sweating to death up here these goddamn Mega Man working the [ __ ] out my ass whatever I'm trying to burn off it's going to be gone [ __ ] I'm about to get out this little jacket this little jacket is too hot for me so my cousin we at the basketball court he not playing he not playing got look I never said he was playing so we had basketball court and Men know this men know this when you hooping you always ask if a call is called you ask the person on the sideline hey man was that a was that a travel cuz cuz everybody on the court going to cheat so you ask somebody on the sideline so my cousin is on on the side in his little chair doing it and the dude ask hey man was that a travel and my cousin say yeah that was travel now this other dude come out of nowhere y [ __ ] ass don't know nothing about [Music] traveling it's a lot it's a lot of cousins out here is we we and we deep we so man you better hold up with that [ __ ] dog you asked him a question he answered it don't say [ __ ] else to him and my cousin like nah n nah let him say something there I'mma get out this chair whoop his mother [ __ ] ass now now all the cousins we know we know we know when he was little he couldn't get out that chair now he big and he been in his chair since he was little so he he he's very big up top and we know that my cousin can catapult himself out that chair we know he can we know he could he could Missle himself towards your ass now now all of us we didn't backed up my cousin say he got it we didn't backed up and I'm like hey little legs don't doing bad he no no no I got it now dude talking [ __ ] walking up on my cousin too close yeah man what you going to do and we already saw it my cousin put himself in catapult position he locked in too he got the radar on that Bo and I keep trying to warn dude I keep trying to tell him I said man you getting too close dog you getting too close cuz he keep walking up on him and [ __ ] you know man as soon as that boy got close enough he put his arm I man my cousin grabbed that man arm pull him down cuz you know he been in his wheelchair he's strong but gra pulled him down and and catapulted on top of that boy beat that man up on the ground crawled and got back in his wheelchair that boy rolled out some man you boys be out here Tri [Music] [Applause] the man didn't know my cousin drove up there my cousin Drive asan boy put his wheelchair in the back of his as van boy Roll by he going to stop in front of hey man don't tell them [ __ ] my name and then walked out this man got his ass whooped by a man with no legs at the basketball court my family I'm family I was you know I don't never say I'm raised different cuz it's a lot of people got the similar upbringing as me you know depending on where you from now my thought pattern now in my life is different from most people I don't I'm not I'm not Prejudice I'm not racist I deal with everybody individually I don't think all black people good I don't think all white I don't think all all nobody good I deal with each let me tell you something the worst I've ever been treated in my life has been by black women in my [ __ ] life in my whole life I go through my whole life it's been a black woman there [ __ ] with me every step of the way my whole life but everything that I am is still because we're black cuz I can take I can trials and tribulations I have been through see white men I don't know if y'all know this y'all when y'all lose y'all hair y'all just lose it naturally black men lose their hair from arguing with black women this is this I I wasn't Bal I'm like where the [ __ ] is you talking about I have and then women say oh you got something [ __ ] I have never been in a relationship with another race never I see it and be wounded but I'm like and I'm stuck with the most abusive [ __ ] in life to me I stuck with this abuse you too huh you just suck with this [ __ ] it has never been a white lady that ever woke me up in my sleep and punched me in the [ __ ] face from them never i' have been punched my sleep several times about you going through my [ __ ] I would going through your [ __ ] you what man let me tell you something last time a lady went through my phone and I said the meanest [ __ ] I could come up with she punched me in my SE I got up and I got to defend myself and I said you know something I'm not going to do this with you cuz I see your whole mentality is [ __ ] up now if you would have put the same energy that you did to sneak in get my phone go to another room put a blanket over you to block out the to block out the light just in case I just in case I see the [ __ ] glowing and figure out a code that you do not know you put a combination of numbers together and finally crack the code if you would have did all that you could have finished your [ __ ] degree wow that's what I said and you think I care at you in there packing your [ __ ] up pack it up using my goddamn luggage the most abusive the most the it's it's a weird thing now the the the most fearful I've ever been was was from white men that's that's the scarest I ever been and only because they was in a pack if they wasn't in a pack I'd have been cool I moved in I live in Houston I live in this little gated community in Houston that is all white people in I now I didn't know that black people listen to me I was not trying to move away from you I was looking for somewhere to live and they they tricked the [ __ ] out of mean they they brochure was very Multicultural it was a very Multicultural brochure it had everybody on the brochure smiling like they lived over there so I move over there and let me tell you I found out it's just all white people and I cuz I'm I'm from I'm from the hood from the project and let me tell you what never happens when you move into the project don't nobody come and greet you when you move into the project I'm going to say hey welcome to the projects welcome to he hell don't knowbody do that but when you live in a gated community they want to meet the new Resident and I'm in my house minding my own business doorbell rang I went to the door said but nobody know me up [Music] here I went and opened that door it was 400 white people outside my door I ain't going to lie I panicked I panicked I slam the door and call the police I say they protesting they protesting who's protest all of them apparently and I don't give a damn how tough you are and how many Civil Right marches you've been in in the past if you see 400 white people outside your door you can't even find the [ __ ] that you've been ready for I couldn't find no bullets or nothing I had I found two bullets in a revolver I'm saying dumb [ __ ] it ain't going to go like y'all think it's going to go I'm so nervous the police get there I still got the chain on the door I said what they say he say they are not protesting they have baked goods oh that's a welcome sign Oh I thought that said something else and when you live around different people you learn tolerance for different things and they going to learn tolerance for me cuz now they learning very quick about all black people not the same but they very learning that I am not the most friendliest of black people don't judge the [ __ ] by me cuz I am I've learned this by myself I didn't even know I was mean until I mov to this goddamn neighborhood I was getting up in the morning going out at first but it white people was putting too much pressure on me in I didn't know they was ready to speak you know from the project they we don't do that in the morning they out there in the morning ready with the good morning good morning sir good morning good morning good morning good I'm like man good morning to all y'all at one time I'm like ma'am I I don't black people don't like talking in the morning this is good morning [Music] man my voice is not up to least 10:45 11 so I stopped going out there I couldn't take that that was too much pressure I stay my ass in the house in the morning then they want to know about you they want to know and and I'm at the I'm a homeown Association meetings and and I'm hearing [ __ ] you know different [ __ ] I know it hadn't been said before sitting the meeting and John is up there talking John is like you know this is a predominantly white neighborhood and I said John what make it predominant white you moved in in [Music] this and they they want to know about you it's it's people in this neighborhood they want to know what I do and I and I'm in my mind I'm like man don't worry about what I do and especially the ladies the ladies want to know what I do because I don't leave in the morning like the rest of the fathers you know rest of white me they out in the morning coffee briefcase they gone [ __ ] and right before the trash man come I'm still rolling my trash [Music] down and and it depends on how I'm feeling is what I tell them you know I'm I'm very you know to the you I hold everything to the breath this this man named Mike that lives in the neighborhood Mike thinks that I am the third string punter for the Green Bay Packers that's what I told him and every every time I see him in the neighborhood I do that be asking me what the [ __ ] I do do you ask everybody so this lady named Jill she is my direct neighbor she lives right across from me right across she doesn't know what I do I've been living over here for seven years and this lady is tired of it she's sick this [ __ ] and we have a community mailbox you know that's where they catch me at at the community mailbox every time they didn't caught me has been at the community mailbox Ted ass Ted was the first one to S me at the goddamn mailbox I'm at the mailbox going to my mail Ted is over all the activities in this neighborhood anything that goes on Ted is the head of the activities and he wants me to join the cycling team they got a little male cycling team but his approach was way off cuz he got the cycling [ __ ] on at the time like he got the tight [ __ ] on ball all in the face he got the shoes on and [ __ ] he walking up to me helmet hey neighbor do you cycle like you know I ride a bike hey need to join the team and when he talk to you he be pelvic thrusting I don't know what that's about May got a May got a nervous tick or something I don't know what's wrong with him the whole conversation [ __ ] I'm telling you we going to have a good time so he sends me to this place called bike planetarium now I grew up riding bikes people I grew I had a bike Huffy swin you know I had all type bikes no regular bikes now bike planetarium I go in there I've never heard of these bikes before so I'm in here talking about look at all these little you know noname brand bikes [ __ ] canel giant Fuji I'm like don't they make film what type of bike is there and I'm in there I'm looking at bikes and I call a man on say say my man say say look out bro you right there yeah U hey man what is the price on this bike he said it's on there I said on there where he said was on the tag I said no it's a skew number on here no this ain't no goddamn bike price this is a skew [Music] number that that man came and say a skew number let me see it no that's the price I said with a Karma oh no ain't no way hell a bike supposed to have a karma in the price I know goddamn well I had bikes my mama gifted me bikes I know it was no comma a bike supposed to cost $79 man and man I said bro I don't hey hey man listen um what does this bike do for $3,500 I just want to know he to about you can pick it up you can run with it I said I don't want to run with it I want to ride it do this water do it squirt water in your mouth when you're tired or something what the [ __ ] this bike do I bought a bike not that bike I bought a bike and that bike was too much the bike shoes and everything cost me 1,800 total helmet everything give a couple give you a couple tips by when you go buy a bike like this black people I'm not white people let me tell you why I'm not talking to you cuz you going to take the time to ride the bike in the parking lot like they ask you to then people going to say hey you going just ride around in the parking lot get acclimated black people we don't we don't do all that put the bike on the thing we gone cuz we ain't got enough time but you not prepared for these goddamn click- in shoes you ain't never been locked to no goddamn bike before you need to go out there and practice and I saw I saw the other little white man out there buying his bike same time he out there and he practicing stopping clicking out I don't want to do this [ __ ] I got to go huh I'm on the bike I'm with the team and something happened happens and I got to stop fast and you know first thing you do put your feet down but I'm locked into this bike and this you this just putting your knees out don't work you got to turn your foot to get out of this bike I don't turn my foot fast enough I'm on the ground shoulders SK up everything Ted come by on the bike [Music] I thought you said you roll bikes before I say I have roll bikes before he said but the shoes you got to get out them shoes I said man take this bike off of me I don't have time for your other [ __ ] just take the bike off of me that [ __ ] Ted roll off you got to learn took off I just took my [ __ ] shoe off I had to take the shoes off man living in this little neighborhood this [ __ ] ain't cracked up to be man named Harold Harold jog every day white folks jog every day Harold I don't know why he jogging Harold is 9,000 years old 8:00 har I come past my house 8:00 on the dot every day with the worst job you'll ever want to see your life I don't even know why he still out there running with this [ __ ] ain't even running don't thing ain't running his wife is a little younger than him his wife be out there with him she don't be running she just be walking keeping up I get up one morning I'm in a mood and I get out there and I say it's some mean [ __ ] to hair I'm standing out there ha come past my house job I say ha your neck doing all the work baby said some mean [ __ ] to have but I ain't going to leave it there I ain't I ain't just going to say some mean [ __ ] to Har and just put it just on his heart like that I said the next day I'mma get up and I'mma go out there and I'mma run with har and I'mma [ __ ] with har the whole time har come around the corner 8:00 I got my shoes on everything I don't even get out there to 8:02 I'm getting har Head Start 802 I come out there and I catch up the har and I'm out there [ __ ] with har the whole time I say har what's up baby I'm with you today all day harl ain't say [ __ ] har still I'm out there with har now I say [ __ ] it I'mma start running I'mma do what har doing [ __ ] H how long we going to do this [ __ ] [Music] oh [ __ ] God damn H so I done manag to walk to the store and catch me a lift back to my goddamn house man Harold been man we left at 8:02 it is 11:30 I've been out here with har since 8 802 I didn't call a lift back to the house it's his man named Shawn sea sits on his porch and with te every morning sea knows everything that goes on in this goddamn neighborhood and I've been I've never been on this report before he never had nothing to put in the goddamn Facebook group about me that man is sitting out there when I show up in the lift shoes tied around my neck get out the lift that man said you tried to run with harl huh say yeah he said har won't be back to 2:00 I said 2:00 minut it's 11:36 2:00 I said I'll be damn I go in the house I set my alarm for 155 I took a shower I took me a nap I'mma get up at 1:55 1 155 come I'm up I'm brushing my teeth washing my face and I said I know goddamn well har is not going to come 159 I walk on my damn patio and who I see coming down the street har I I was out there with har from 8:02 to 11:32 Harold never said not one goddamn word to me Harold came past my house and looked up and say I guess your neck can't do the work [Applause] baby [Applause] you can't judge books by they cover man man run your ass to death with this [ __ ] right here he nobody said you had to go fast just far [ __ ] I don't judge I don't judge people man I let I judge people on how you treat me and what we do together I don't think that some of the toughest people I thought that was tough talk that tough [ __ ] and a run let me tell you something a lot of I've been in a lot of [ __ ] for people who don't know me I used to be a street pharmaceutical rep which is very frowned upon when you sell drugs they want you to have a jacket go to a university you know [ __ ] like that but man things ain't always what they they S I was so I was in prison for six years um for a being a street Farm suit cor and I was so but I'm not I'm not a person that you would think that was in jail I don't have the demeanor and lot they talking they talking will you learn how to talk will you learn how to whisper in a helicopter and she didn't G their ass up they talking it's them don't send nobody over here touching on my goddamn shoulder it's them oo hey y'all ass is let do something with her your' ass going to jail I [Laughter] wasow G that [ __ ] up she she told her ass so fast I forgot what I was saying what was I saying but people people do that a lot man you can't really judge books by they come before I Liv in this um Caucasian neighborhood I lived in a Hispanic neighborhood just with it was all Mexicans you know I live in Texas I live in Houston and there a lot of Mexicans and this was my f i loved living next to them cuz I didn't need a I didn't need an alarm I didn't have no goddamn house alone you don't need no house alone you live next to mexic it's always somebody watching on you can't you well is any any Hispanic people in here any Hispanic people look okay look the Hispanic people that's in here when the last time somebody broke in your house never it's always somebody home in somebody Hispanic house you try to break in some elder lady they come in back put that down that's not [Applause] yours can't be in the people house somebody home fam and and not only are they watching they house they watching your [ __ ] too man this lady next next to me Maria her grandmother I don't even know how grandmother's got my number she would be she that lady would call me and she always start off with my friend my friend I'm like what's happening are you expecting someone at your home I'm like no somebody at my house he's like yeah it's a burgundy car in front of your house I'm like hold on I'll call you back and I call my brother I said man get your ass from in front of my goddamn house like man how you doing M your man neighborhood watches on your ass boy but this thing you can't judge people by the cover so Maria husband's name Carlos and Carlos man he done this several times but I don't know why why this [ __ ] is bothering me this weekend you know I come out on Saturday morning and Carlos is [ __ ] sleep on the grass in front of his house and I'm [ __ ] pissed I don't know why I don't even know why I'm mad cuz it's not my house but he's just in the front of the neighborhood and I'm pissed I don't know why I'm mad this time cuz he done done this several times I don't know why this time I'm mad and and for for other ethnic groups let me let y'all know something that you may not know black people we don't have racial slurs for other ethnic groups we don't we just we put emphasis on what we call you to let you know that we being racist we don't actually have nothing for you you know what I'm saying but we will say some [ __ ] with a little little seasoning on it so this time I'm out here being [ __ ] very racist I came out there Carlos man get your mking ass that's very racist right there that's very racist that's very I don't know say y'all don't know how racist this is Hispanic people I apologize I'm being very racist at this point hey man get your mesing ass on this ground out here being [ __ ] Mexican next week Maria invites me over for food and I'm coming she making these little empanadas she making these tomato I like this goddamn street corn I'm going to eat all this [ __ ] and I'm over there having a good time and she's making these little bitty ass Margaritas little bitt ass margaritas and she going to tell me Ali don't drink more than two of them Margaritas I said man I'm grown you don't tell me how many goddamn Margaritas drink I've drank six of these Margaritas little ass margaritas and I am to the [ __ ] up I'm in here so drunk I'm in here so drunk I'm here so Dr I am lit in this goddamn people place and I know I [ __ ] up I said some way inappropriate Spanish when I was leaving I was say kulo esposo Manata for the people who don't speak Spanish I told them people they ass stank tomorrow very inappropriate I live approximately 15 Steps From the people house I live 15 Steps From the people house 15 goddamn steps I remember closing the door I remember closing the door next thing I know Carlos is standing on me to my alley get your mesing ass out this grass out here being Mexican I'm out there stretching that's why I don't I don't judge people man I see a Mees dude lay on the ground just walk by them Margaritas got your ass on boy and that's me I I would drink a margarita I don't drink dark liquor I don't drink see cuz first of all Hennessy is the devil you can't even make no good decisions on that [ __ ] I know a lot of y'all like henness but the wor some of the worst time of my life was sitting around Hennessy cuz because you can't make no good decisions I'm I was a young boy and I'm in the club drinking H Andy I'm not even supposed to be in the club but when you're a dough boy you you get you get car blanch over a lot of [ __ ] so I'm in the club drinking Hennessy and um I know things I'm a reasonable man people gonna bump into you in the club it happens this man bumped into me and made me spill Hennessy on my shirt my normal mind man it's an accident that heny said no [ __ ] all that he being disrespectful and you should let his ass know and I went and told that man too I went and told that man I said say play being disrespectful dude told me to say going on L dog my normal mind I just went on just went on cuz accident that hon said no [ __ ] all that swing on his ass and I know better than the fight when I'm drunk I know better I swung on that man and that man whooped my ass I know I got my ass whooped cuz my shoe came off you know how embarrassing if be walking around the club looking for your shoe like I wasn't even over here this lady came gave my shoes to my H your sh me get my goddamn shoe [ __ ] you got my goddamn shoe [Music] for bad man things happen think about about this with people people be so locked in to what they doing they don't show compassion for other people a lot of people live in food deserts you know what I'm saying where they they don't have access to fresh fruit and vegetables and food and they you supposed to be able to walk within five to 10 miles to be able to get food people just concern theyel about themselves well I can do it but what about elderly people and people that's not in good health do you know this is a long God damn ride if you want them little 10 miles of this [Music] sh you got to be concerned about other people I saw a man on just on the side of the street just feed up I knew something was wrong cuz he had his feet up and he was on one little I say say I say say um my brother you you good man I think goddamn battery think my [ __ ] battery went out I said well I got some cables if [Music] you I pulled my truck up hey man don't don't don't take your finger off that thing man I don't know how this going to go kick that man in I you know regular [ __ ] you know you get in your truck man I said she try to start it that man hit that button [Music] well I'mma just let y'all know you not you're not supposed to do that boy that [Music] man man gone Mano I got my truck I went around the other way I went back I ain't going down that way [ __ ] [ __ ] this man off I a man sometimes man sometimes do you know cuz when you when you hang around Elder people you can learn a lot of [ __ ] do you know that you can return produce yeah yeah you didn't a lot of y'all didn't know that cuz you ain't been around no old people I figured the [ __ ] out [ __ ] with an old man I I I a even know the man the man coming out the grocery store I'm I'm coming out the groc store the man is walking in the groc store with a watermelon that's already open man got a watermelon is already open I say I said say old school you you you dropped your watermelon in in in the in the parking line he say no I'm bringing this [ __ ] back but it but it's open I don't give a [ __ ] I turn my BK around I want to see this [ __ ] I'm going back in this girl I want to see cuz I ain't never return produce that's open this man walking with this Watermelon Man let me tell you something I can't wait to get old do you understand me I cannot [ __ ] wait wait old people do what the [ __ ] they want man this man got a watermelon man walk in this store he it wasn't even no discussion no long [ __ ] no haggling with this [ __ ] that man put that watermelon there I say hey man that's y'all's what that's Ys put lady says our yeah that [ __ ] ain't sweet I'm going to go get me another one no no I'm going to was this whole goddamn thing N I ain't going nowhere that man is over there busting waterm bpop n that ain't it bpop that ain't it I said old school how many you going how many you hey man listen here they can afford to have a watermelon that's not sweet I can't oh this it right here that man grab that watermelon you think I'm bullshitting that man ain't said [ __ ] to them people no receipt no nothing that man walked up customer service say we good ain't we and walked out I said we good Ain [Music] [Music] we I can't wait to get old let me tell you something but when you return produce you have to be 80 plus years years old you can't be in your 40es or none of this [ __ ] cuz I get home my peaches ain't sweet and I didn't just saw this [ __ ] I'm back at the groc store bag of pictures hey that's y'all's I'm in that produce [Music] section I was arrested I not allowed to be in certain grocery stores any longer I had to write a [Music] letter [ __ ] don't make no [ __ ] sense man got to be old to do things and this is one this is one of my my favorite clubs to come perform outside of my my favorite Club is my home club in Houston which is the Houston Improv DC Improv is second which is and then cuz home in here cuz man let me tell you I like coming here because of the diversity of c and then y'all smart so I don't have to sometime I don't have to explain certain [ __ ] I can go into some intricate [ __ ] and people be looking lost I'm like okay I got to [ __ ] Define everything I'mma say the [ __ ] ain't going to go with and I tell people out the top if you don't if you don't read [ __ ] or you don't have no goddamn reasoning in your brain I'm not g to be funny at all cuz my [ __ ] is based on the level I I'm on the level with everything I I don't I'm not going to make up no [ __ ] for you I ain't going to [ __ ] song and dance I'm not I don't do nothing I'm not going to talk up under your dress I don't do none of that [ __ ] so I have to I have to [Music] get what sink up under the [Music] dress you ain't got to grab my face why you talking to me it [Music] was okay let me let me tell you what talking up under your dress is when you go to comedy shows and people just I don't even like saying the words this it's all about sex and then your vagina my penis my just it's just that [ __ ] and it's have you know that's talking up under your dress that's what I call low hanging fruit I can do anybody can come out and make a sex joke but I I try to say something thought-provoking like the handicap thing was a real thing me because a lot of people try to treat handicap people [ __ ] more handicap which handicaps them you know what I'm saying that's the thing in my family you cannot we don't give a [ __ ] that something is wrong with you cuz something is wrong with everybody it's not like my cousin Ricky ain't never said no [ __ ] crazy [ __ ] to me he know that I'm dyslexic and that [ __ ] he'll just roll up to my is it backwards or is it [ __ ] you [Applause] [Music] Ricky handicapp a handicap you know what it is and some of the [ __ ] is just about having mental fortitude that's the thing I I say it 6 years being incarcerated from the time I was 19 to 25 I was homeless for a whole year and a half I don't ever want to hear nobody I'm not the person to come with no [ __ ] excuses to I don't give a [ __ ] what's wrong with you you know saying I don't give a [ __ ] what's wrong with you if you not achieving that [ __ ] is your [ __ ] fault to me it's just I don't give a [ __ ] what's wrong with you you can't tell me you can't tell me what nobody if you tell me in your mind that you believe in God and then you would turn around and tell me that somebody can stop you from doing something you're a [ __ ] crazy person to me cuz my blessings don't come from no human being come from the Creator now one time when I sleeping on the ground thinking like damn Charles please get me off [Music] this just wasn't so I'm a very happy person I'm very grateful see one thing is you can't be sad and grateful don't match you can't you it it people say [ __ ] that don't match oh I believe and I trust in God and I'm have person but then be ungrateful then you always [ __ ] sad I I don't understand a lot of like with with men uh like older men I don't talk to you about marriage because your in my mind the [ __ ] that you say is like some broken slavery [ __ ] to me like happy life happy wife like [ __ ] that [ __ ] crazy no happy me happy life [ __ ] her if she ain't happy you got to move you got to go somewhere get that [ __ ] from around me you think my happiness is going to be based on a [ __ ] this [ __ ] emotional roller coaster no women y'all be on some other [ __ ] sometimes just some em and then what's crazy about women I y'all love the truth y'all love the truth but you rather a lie you say you want the truth but you rather a lie and you can't even R anytime anytime that you can't be you want me to be honest with you but then you get mad at me about the [ __ ] [Music] honesty and people say oh well that's not true let's go into it what can you say to a woman who tells you that she love you but you just don't love her yet what can you say what's the answer what's the response look at the men men ain't saying [ __ ] they just let me know too goddamn it I want to know as well because all they want to do is hear the same response I love you you want to say I love you too that's the only thing that you going to accept I love you too but what if that's not the true what if I don't love you yet huh no that's a lie ma'am did you can't even say thank [Music] you a woman say she love you you can't say well thank you you the love is gone just that [ __ ] fast let me tell you some other [ __ ] you can't say lady told me one time Ali I love you my response was that's what's up [Music] but it is what's up let me tell you one of a number one thing you can't say found this out Ali I love you I said it's good to be loved than you cannot say thank you ma'am that was the first one the I came up with other [ __ ] cuz when I said thank you I got a [ __ ] drink thr in my face I said thank you why because men are different when it comes to feelings we not we don't need you to concur we don't need you I told you how I felt about you I didn't ask you how you felt about me and I'm wonder the people that's like this you know somebody ask you a question hey hey man did you have a good time then [ __ ] say well did you have good [ __ ] did you want if you want to know you would ask me first don't try to request my [Music] question men are simple like this once I say how I feel I don't give a [ __ ] what you got to say I just told you how I felt what's your name ma'am amber amber amber it could go just like this Amber I come in that house Amber I love you and your response could be you want a sandwich I'm like hell yeah I want a goddamn sandwich hell yeah I want a sandwich and while I'm eating that sandwich confess my love again like you know something I knew I was right I love you and this sandwich because it's on me I'm telling you how I feel about you I don't need your response I didn't ask I didn't come in say well how you feel about me I didn't ask you I'm telling you how I felt about you be able to stand on your own [ __ ] you don't need me to respond back Ali I love you what you need back you told me how you felt that's it I don't understand and people don't even know where [ __ ] love starts you you make up these things where love starts it I'm never going to be involved with somebody who have been in love two times in the same year I don't even have to say who do that the men ain't say [ __ ] the women like [ __ ] you know you been in love two times he talking about you cuz it's it's a it's a thing with men we are able to do our own thing and I don't I understand where love starts love starts with whoever has been through things with you love starts in a one bedroom one bath that's where love starts not just figure to in a one bedroom one bath see you got a one bedroom one bath you don't have a lot of money and saying and you got to get over [ __ ] fast you can't be mad for no long time no one bedroom one bath when you live in a big house you meet somebody you live in a big house y'all stand there y'all get mad at y'all go to the other side of the house don't even see each other for 3 days but in the one bedroom one bed you got to get over [ __ ] fast you walking through the did I tell you I'm mad at your ass get out the goddamn way you got to get over that [ __ ] now one bedroom one bath this what happens you go out you go out you know you don't have much money some of the places you go ain't the best you walking into a little Club you walking into the club you like in the club it's going to be a dirty ass food truck you look at look the dirty ass food truck and you say this [ __ ] I like look dirty ass food truck then you go in the club have some drinks now you you tow up and you come out what's there that same dirty ass food truck but this time you didn't stopped in front of this food truck bae you want something off the dirty ass food truck and y'all eat something off that dirty ass food truck and then you go home to one bedroom one bath you in that bed you cuddled up cuz you had a good time and that dirty ass food truck food is turnning around in your goddamn sister just in there just [ __ ] up your whole system and y'all in tangle and she feel it first she that lady slip out your arms and go to that bathroom she there cuz y'all been in one bedroom one bed 20 minutes later you wake up sweating you look right at that door you like oh [ __ ] she in there you trying to walk it down that dirty ass food truck food is in your system and this [ __ ] so it's getting bad cuz you think about going to [ __ ] in your kitchen sink but that's nasty you can't even take it you can't even take it no more you just run in the bathroom scoot over flush it you about to [Applause] [Applause] handle you cannot leave somebody who you didn't [ __ ] back to back with you cannot leave them you try to leave somebody you [ __ ] back to back with they come to your job who going to [ __ ] back back with you you just get your [ __ ] let me go back in the house he right I ain't found no love like that [Music] before and I my parenting is a little different from other people's parenting I've been a parent a long time so it's certain things I just don't do no more I don't spank my children no ain't nobody got no spanking and I'm not saying Don't Clap I'm not saying that spanking is wrong not by any means am I saying that spanking is wrong I just don't do it because of this because I know I'm a older parent and I know [ __ ] spanking is a young parents game old parents we know [ __ ] like I know that I can hurt myself trying to spank one of my kids my goddamn rotator cuff can go out my back can go out nah hit my goddamn baby toe on the coffee table chasing them n I'm cool having nobody got a spank it in my house since Trey he's 20 he about he 28 since he was 13 cuz I I remember the day I had that belt had that belt and I had him and I went for his ass and that mother way quicker than I than he let on that mother move and I'm like why is this belt still going this [ __ ] came around and wrapped me around about [ __ ] never again I didn't Co the K my godddamn self I'm no no no not doing it you understand so what I do what I do is I embarrass my kid see embarrassment last way longer I didn't know it I didn't know it embarrassment man brother how old are you brother 44 you up there with me so you know remember Isaiah Thomas yeah remember you remember the outfit remember outfit do y'all remember Isaiah times when he played for Detroit Pistons little shorts little ass shorts long socks Jersey tucked in my daughter my daughter's teacher called me and said that my baby was at school being disruptive and I said see it ain't so let me tell you why why I'm offended that she even being [ __ ] disruptive because her father is the president of the PTA now which is a very white woman dominated sport very dominated dominated white wom been dominating this goddamn [ __ ] for years domination Total Domination you can't find a black goddamn PTA president across the country I didn't know it was that serious cuz I and I was even trying to be the PTA president let me tell you how it happened I'm in the P meeting being a good parent in there listening to the lady talk and it's this old white dude in there have you ever been in a conversation with somebody and you didn't know you was in the conversation they just start [ __ ] talking to you and I'm sitting there minding my own business and that man said I'm sick of hearing her goddamn [Laughter] voice that man ta me no you don't understand she been a goddamn pie GTA president for 3 years and I'm tired of hearing a goddamn voice I'm just here and then the man says something that Peak my goofy ass interest you tell about I'm sick of here on [ __ ] you should run I said you think I can win he said I'll vote for you now my goof ass signed up to run for the president the lady name is Mrs Smith Mrs Smith was very and a very aggressive woman I'm getting ready to pull out of the School Mrs Smith pulls her car in front of my car why I can't go forward and she's getting out walking towards my car I roll my window I said oh this crazy white lady she came and tapped on my window I just rolled my window down a little bit the lady got her lips all in my goddamn window I start to roll her lips up in that goddamn window cuz the lady talking [ __ ] in my window talk about I heard you going to run for president you will [Laughter] live my baby's in the car I don't want to talk crazy in front of my babies I get out the car I said hold on Miss Smith what you don't know is I'mma run a hell of a campaign and I'm a very formable opponent just know that and then I glanced in her car the white man who told me to run was in her [Applause] car Mr Smith that set me up they having problems at the house I don't know so I win I win I'm I'm I'm the president of the PTA I win by a landslide a lot of people tired Miss Smith [ __ ] so I win and now I'm at I'm at the school I I got to I got to be up here I can't you know I just can't just come do the meetings I'm at the school having a good time doing a lot of volunteer and in the morning I'm there and they got me on the stop sign which is a lot of power you it's a lot of power when you on the stop sign this man named Charles keep trying to come in the wrong way every goddamn hit his a the stop sign hold on Charles take it on back around Charles we don't play this [ __ ] Take It on Back your ass out here Charles now now I got to come up to this school cuz my daughter at school being disruptive is what they told me I told the teacher I'd be up there in the morning when I show up 8:30 in the morning Isaiah Thomas outfit on walk right in my daughter classroom my daughter turns around what the [ __ ] I'm in her classroom doing [ __ ] I had my wallet in my sock you know what I'm saying do you know how embarrassed my daughter was when I was in the lunchroom stretching and one of my balls fell out you can't you can't lay that down in Middle [Music] [Music] School embarrassed that girl that girl about to be 23 between 8 and 3:30 you still can't get my daughter to say [Music] [ __ ] no I remember Isaiah Thomas came to my school I embarrass him that's what I that's what I do I'm a I'm a different type of parent I'm going to say this and I'm going to get out of here cuz I want y'all to think about is on the way home I do not like people who don't like surprises I I got I got a problem with people who don't like surprises only because they never give you enough information of why have you ever asked somebody why they don't like surprises they don't just say I I just don't that's not enough information for me you got to give me a reason and like if you say okay this is why I don't like surprises one day I walked in my uncle's room he pulled his dick out and say [Applause] [Music] surprise my name is Ali s [Applause] y'all [Music]

Channel: Ali Siddiq

Views: 2,547,254

Keywords: Comedy, Def Jam, HBO, Comic View, Laugh, Comedy Central, Comedian Ali Siddiq, Funny, Creative, stand-up, stand-up comedy, Ali Siddiq, the domino effect, domino effect, one hour stand up special, stand up, houston, tx, def comedy jam, nbc, bring the funny, it's bigger than these bars, the joe rogan experience, live from gotham, incarceration, ali siddiq stand up full, ali siddiq mexicans got on boots, mexicans got on boots, don't judge a book, full comedy special, comedy life lessons

Id: DybW0Nf5g2g

Length: 85min 3sec (5103 seconds)

Published: Mon Nov 20 2023