BUT FIRST, LAST WEEK GREAT
BRITIAN HELD PARLIAMENTARY ELECTIONS, IT TURNS OUT THIS
LADY, THIS LADY SHE DOESN'T RUN THE PLACE. SHE'S JUST
WATCHING THEIR DOGS. SHE'S CORGI
SITTING FOR BRITAIN. THAT'S ALL SHE'S DOING. WELL, I'M SURE HER PAY IS
COMMENSURATE WITH HER TASKS. ANYWAY ON THURSDAY BRITISH
VOTERS CHOSE THEIR NEXT PRIME MINISTER, CONSERVATIVE AND
CURRENT PRIME MINISTER DAVID CAMERON AN OXFORD EDUCATED
48-YEAR-OLD, THUMPED LABOR'S ED MILIBAND, AN OXFORD EDUCATED
45-YEAR-OLD, BECAUSE HE CAN'T MAKE UP THOSE THREE
YEARS. THIS BEING A NATIONAL ELECTION
THE UK MEDIA WAS PULLING OUT ALL THE STOPS, THEY HAD THEIR CREEPY
MADAME TUSSAUD VOTE TALLY HOLOGRAMS, THEY HAD AN
UNREALISTICALLY POLITE VIRTUAL PARLIAMENT THAT
DOUBLED AS THE WORST SIM'S EXPANSION PACK EVER AND THEY HAD
AN OPINION ROOM WHERE EACH PUNDIT APPEARED TO HAVE
MISSED THEIR FLIGHT WHILE ONE GUY BIDES HIS TIME WITH
SUDOKU, HE IS JUST BORED OUT OF HIS MIND. I JUST REALIZED, THE HOLOGRAMS,
THE VIRTUAL SETS, THE BRITISH MEDIA HAS CONTRACTED A
DEVASTATING CASE OF CNNITIS. IT'S WHEN A NEWS ORGANIZATION
SPENDS A GREAT DEAL OF TIME CREATING VISUALS AND SET PIECES
WHICH SERVE NO DISCERNIBLE PURPOSE AND SHED NO
PERCEPTIBLE LIGHT AND ACTUALLY DISTRACT YOU FROM WHAT IT WAS
THEY WERE TRYING TO FIND OUT. BUT YOU KNOW SOMETHING, NO ONE
CAN ACTUALLY CHALLENGE THE MASTER. >> GOOD MORNING FROM THE TOP
OF A BIG RED BUS THAT IS NOW MAKING ITS WAY ACROSS
WESTMINSTER BRIDGE, ALISYN. >> SO RICHARD, WHAT DOES THIS
MEAN NOW FOR THAT REFERENDUM FOR BRITAIN
LEAVING THE EU? >> ALISYN, I CAN DO BETTER
THAN THAT. HAVE A LOOK AT THAT, AS A
MILLION DOLLAR SHOT, LOOK AT THAT, RIGHT UP THE RIVER
THAMES, THE LONDON EYE. >> Jon: CAMEROTA ASKED YOU A
REAL QUESTION, YOU POINTED TO A [BLEEP] FERRIS WHEEL. THAT IS WHAT A SIX-YEAR-OLD
DOES. I SEE A WHEEL, IT IS NICE,
IT SPINS AROUND. WELL, BRITAIN'S MEDIA
COULDN'T MATCH US WITH WIDE EYED NONSENSE THEY DID
COMPARE WITH US IN ONE ARENA. >> THE POLLS WERE COMPLETELY
WRONG. ALL THE ADVANCED POLLS
WERE VERY WRONG. THE REAL SHOT CAME AT 10
P.M. LONDON TIME WHEN THE EXIT POLL WAS ANNOUNCED. >> Jon: ISN'T THAT WHY WE HAVE
ELECTIONS? TO TEST THE STRENGTH AND
COMPETENCE OF OUR POLLS? THE REAL WINNER TONIGHT WAS
OUR POLLING SAFEGUARD SYSTEM. THE ELECTION. SO DESPITE ALL PREDICTIONS,
CAMERON'S CONSERVATIVE SWEPT TO AN OUTRIGHT MAJORITY. THEIR MESSAGE MUST HAVE
REALLY CLICKED WITH VOTERS. >> THE CONSERVATIVES CAN
ACTUALLY GOVERN THE WAY THEY WANT TO. >> GET RID OF THE DEFICIT. >> AUSTERITY MEASURES REALLY
HITTING THOSE LOWER ON THE ECONOMIC SCALE. >> VERY LARGE CUTS TO THE
WELFARE STATE. >> REPEAL TONY BLAIR'S BAN
ON HUNTING WITH DOGS. >> Jon: WHAT A POPULAR
MESSAGE, A HEADY MIX OF GRINDING AUSTERITY AND THE
KILLING OF SMALL FURY ANIMALS. I ALMOST HATE TO SAY THIS
BUT LEAVE FOX ALONE. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
FOX NEVER HURT ANYBODY. (LAUGHTER)
ANYWAY THOSE POLICIES SOUND LIKE STUFF BRITISH PEOPLE
WOULD HATE. HOW DOES LABOUR NOT WALK
AWAY WITH THIS ELECTION? >> ED MILIBAND HAD PRETTY
DISMAL RATINGS WHEN IT CAME TO LEADERSHIP. THE VOTERS DIDN'T REALLY SEE
HIM AS PRIME MINISTERIAL. >> 40% THOUGHT YOU WERE
WEIRD. >> THEY SEE YOU AS -- >> WHAT DID YOU SAY? PEOPLE I THINK THOUGHT -- >> THAT LADY IN THE BACK, IS
THAT A MAN, OH RIGHT, SORRY ABOUT THAT, AND YOU'VE GOT A
BEARD SO YOU'RE CLEARLY A MAN, YEAH. >> Jon: WHAT! SO THE LABOUR LEADER APPEARS
TO BE THE LOVE CHILD OF JOE BIDEN AND DAVID BRENT -- SO
WHAT? STILL, THE ELECTION WAS
MILIBAND'S TO LOSE. I MEAN UNLESS THERE WAS SOME
UNUNFORTUNATE IMAGE CRYSTALLIZING
INCIDENT. >> AND IN THAT LABOUR
CAMPAIGN SYMBOLIZED BY MILIBAND BREAKING ONE OF THE
BASIC RULES OF POLITICS, DON'T EAT A BACON SANDWICH
IN FRONT OF THE CAMERAS. THE TORY SUPPORTING PRESS
JUMPED ON THE IMAGE, MILIBAND WAS NOT JUST A
FREE-SPENDING LABOURITE, HE JUST DIDN'T LOOK LIKE A
PRIME MINISTER. >> Jon: THAT'S IT? HE ATE A BACON SANDWICH. IN OUR COUNTRY YOU ARE NOT
EVEN CONSIDERED A VIABLE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE
UNTIL YOU HAVE BEEN PHOTOGRAPHED DEEP THROATING
AS MUCH OF A PIG AS WILL NOT COMPLETELY BLOCK YOUR LARYNX. IF THE BRITISH PRESS WENT ALL
IN ON ED'S LUNCH, I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE WHAT THEIR VERSION
OF THE DAILY SHOW MUST HAVE DONE. >> HEY! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
HEY, LOOK AT THIS GUY. LOOK AT THIS [BLEEP],
[BLEEP], ED MILIBAND. (LAUGHTER)
WHAT ARE YOU DOING SHOVING A BACON BUTTY IN YOUR GOB
WITH YOUR HANDS LIKE SOME KIND OF UTENSIL-LESS
GUTTERSNIPE, YOU EVER HEARD OF SILVERWARE? YOU NEVER READ
YOUR DEBRETT'S GUIDE TO ETIQUETTE WITH MODERN [BLEEP]
MANNERS? WHAT'S THIS, MY FRIEND? THIS IS
BOLLOCKS, YOU BELLOW STAIRS TOSS POT, IF YOU ARE FEELING
PECKISH, YOU POP THAT SANDWICH ON A [BLEEP]
PLATE, YOU GET A KNIFE AND FORK YOU UPPITY PIECE OF [BLEEP]!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >> Jon: THAT WAS WEIRD. WOW, THEIR DAILY
SHOW HOST IS ALMOST THE OPPOSITE OF OURS WHERE I WOULD
NORMALLY BE UPSET WITH SOMEONE EATING WITH A KNIFE
AND FORK AND YET THEIR DAILY SHOW HOST, AN YET WE BOTH
TALK WITH THE SAME ACCENT. THE ELECTION HAS LEFT THE UK
MORE STARKLY DIVIDED THAN EVER. THE LEFT-LEANING SCOTTISH
NATIONALISTS SWEPT THE NORTH, CONSERVATIVES DOMINATE THE
SOUTH, AND THEY AGREE ON ALMOST NOTHING, WELL ALMOST
NOTHING. >> THE SCOTTISH NATIONAL
PARTY IS THE VERY SAME PARTY THAT WAS PUSHING FOR A
BREAKUP OF THE UNITED KINGDOM AND FOR SCOTTISH
INDEPENDENCE. >> DAVID CAMERON'S PROMISE
THAT THERE WOULD BE A REFERENDUM WHERE BRITAIN
WOULD GET THE OPPORTUNITY TO VOTE TO LEAVE THE EUROPEAN
UNION. >> SO YOU COULD HAVE BRITAIN
LEAVING THE EUROPEAN UNION, SCOTLAND LEAVING THE UNITED
KINGDOM. >> Jon: SLYTHERIN LEAVING
HOGWARTS. DOWNSTAIRS LEAVING UPSTAIRS,
DOWNTON LEAVING ABBEY. DOCTOR LEAVING WHO, EVERYONE IN
BRITAIN IS PRO SECESSION, THEY JUST CAN'T AGREE ON
WHAT TO SECEDE FROM. LET'S JUST DO IT, YOU KNOW WHAT,
LET'S JUST -- ENGLISH DITCHES EUROPE. SCOTLAND DIVORCES ENGLAND. WALES AND IRELAND SPLIT OFF
AND FRAGMENT, NORTHUMBRIA AND EAST ANGLIA SECEDE. THE ANCIENT KINGDOMS OF MERCIA
AND SUSSEX REASSERT THEIR RIGHTS, OXFORD AND
CAMBRIDGE GO TO WAR. LONDINIUM SEIZES THE BANKS,
THAT WEIRD STONEHENGE THING COMES TO LIFE AND THE DRUIDS
START THEIR OWN THING, TATTOO TRIBAL WAR LORDS CLASH IN
PETTY SQUABBLES, UNTIL THE ONCE AND FUTURE KING ARTHUR
PULLS EXCALIBUR FROM THE STONE AND ONCE AGAIN
UNITES ALL BRITAINS AGAINST THE SAXON HORDE BUT BY THEN
IT'S TIME FOR THE NEXT WORLD CUP AND NO ONE GIVES A
[BLEEP] ABOUT POLITICS
