>> Jon: WELCOME TO "THE DAILY
SHOW." I'M JON STEWART. WE HAVE A VERY, VERY GOOD SHOW
TONIGHT. MY GUEST TONIGHT, HOWARD SCHULTZ
WILL BE HERE. HE'S THE C.E.O. OF STARBUCKS. ACTUALLY, HE'S JUST HERE TO USE
OUR BATHROOM, BUT I'M MAKING HIM BUY SOMETHING. CONGRATULATIONS TO THE U.S. WE BEAT GHANA 6-0. [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] [AUDIENCE CHANTING U-S-A!] >> Jon: HOLD ON A SECOND. I ACTUALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT THE
SCORE WAS. THEY'RE ACTUALLY, THEY'RE
PLAYING RIGHT NOW. I WAS JUST TRYING TO BE
OPTIMISTIC. BUT, LET'S START TONIGHT WITH
OUR CONTINUING COVERAGE OF MESS 'O POTAMIA. AS YOU KNOW, WE WENT INTO IRAQ
FOR ONE REASON AND FOR ONE REASON ONLY. >> THAT'S WHAT THIS FIGHT IS
ABOUT IN THIS PART OF THE WORLD, PLANTING THE SEEDS OF DEMOCRACY. >> THAT SEED OF DEMOCRACY IN
IRAQ. >> Jon: IT WASN'T ABOUT
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION OR 9/11. [LAUGHTER]
ONCE THOSE REASONS WERE FOUND TO BE UNSUPPORTED BY REALITY. IT WAS ABOUT AMERICA. IT WAS ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN
ONE COUNTRY LOVES ANOTHER COUNTRY VERY MUCH. [LAUGHTER]
AND THAT COUNTRY THEN DEPOSITS HIS DEMOCRACY SEED, TYPICALLY
LASER GUIDED, INTO ANOTHER COUNTRY'S, LET'S SAY,
FERTILE CRESCENT. BY THE WAY, IF YOU THINK... [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
IF YOU THINK THE SEEDING OF DEMOCRACY METAPHOR IS SLIGHTLY
MORE TORTURED THAN MANY OF THE PEOPLE WE BROUGHT THAT DEMOCRACY
TO, YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHING YET. >> THE SEEDS OF FREEDOM HAVE
ONLY RECENTLY BEEN PLANTED IN IRAQ, BUT DEMOCRACY, WHEN IT
GROWS, IS NOT A FRAGILE FLOWER. IT IS A HEALTHY, STURDY TREE. [LAUGHTER]
>> Jon: AND THAT TREE IS FAMILY TREE. IT'S FAMILY MAN, FOR NO MAN IS
AN ISLAND, EXCEPT FOR THE ISLE OF MAN. WHERE IS THAT? YOU KNOW WHAT? [BLEEPED] IT. I'M GONNA GO PAINT A CAT. ANYWAY, THE POINT IS THIS: WE
SPREAD OUR SEED ALL OVER IRAQ AND IT BLOOMED, BABY, UNTIL OLD
JOHNNY O'BAMMY CAME IN, AND NOW YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT'S
GROWING THERE. >> THE SEEDS OF 9/11 ARE BEING
PLANTED ALL OVER IRAQ AND SYRIA. >> Jon: YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENED? THEY DONE SWAPPED OUT OUR
DEMOCRACY SEEDS WITH THE SEEDS OF 9/11. YOU KNOW, I'M NOT EVEN SURE WHY
BURPEE'S EVEN SELLS THOSE 9/11 SEEDS. WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT? THAT'S LIKE, SEEMS LIKE A
LAWSUIT WAITING TO HAPPEN. [APPLAUSE]
IT'S LIKE WHEN THEY STOCKED ALL THOSE VENUS DOG TRAPS. IT'S JUST STUPID. [LAUGHTER]
I'M GOING TO GO BEAGLE. POINT IS ALL THAT GREAT STUFF WE
DID AFTER OBVIOUSLY SOME OF THE BAD STUFF WE DID IS TOTALLY
UNDONE NOW BY THE ISLAMIC STATE OF IRAQ AND SYRIA, WHO ARE
CURRENTLY SOWING CHAOS SEEDS. SO NOW WHAT DO WE DO? WELL, IF YOU REMEMBER IN
THE ORIGINAL RUSH TO WAR, I MEAN DILIGENTLY PLANNED,
INTERNATIONALLY SANCTIONED FREEDOM RAVE, THERE WERE SOME
INDIVIDUALS WHO WERE WRONG, UH, ABOUT THE WHOLE [BLEEPED] THING,
JUST WRONG, JUST DEAD WRONG, LIKE ABOUT EVERYTHING, ALL OF
THEM. >> LET'S ACT NOW TO GET RID OF
A TYRANT WHO HAS ABUSED AND KILLED HIS OWN PEOPLE,
WHO IS PROCURING WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION, SUBSTANTIAL
EVIDENCE TO THAT EFFECT. >> THE CHOICE IS DISARMING HIM
BY WAR OR LETTING HIM HAVE THESE WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. >> YOU'RE DEALING WITH A COUNTRY
THAT CAN REALLY FINANCE ITS OWN RECONSTRUCTION AND RELATIVELY
SOON. >> THE BA'ATHISTS WHO USED THEIR
POWER TO REPRESS THE IRAQI PEOPLE WILL BE
REMOVED FROM OFFICE. >> Jon: BY THE WAY, YOU CAN HAVE
ALL THESE MEMORABLE SCREWUPS AND MORE, JUST CALL NOW AND ORDER,
"NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL BEING COMPLETELY BLEEP WRONG ABOUT
IRAQ." [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
>> Jon: ANYHOW, SO, BUT HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED, YOU'LL
APPRECIATE THIS. I THINK YOU'LL APPRECIATE THIS,
THOSE IDIOTS WERE OSTRACIZED, NEVER HEARD FROM AGAIN, BECAUSE
OF HOW -- I'M KIDDING. BECAUSE I THINK WE ALL KNOW FOUR
WRONGS MAKE A RIGHT. AND IN THIS CURRENT CRISIS, THE
NEWS MEDIA HAS CRUSHED TO GET THE BAND BACK TOGETHER AGAIN. AND THEY ALL HAVE THE SAME
ADVICE. ON BASS... ICALLY WRONG ABOUT
EVERYTHING, BILL KRISTOL. ON DRUM... MING UP SUPPORT FOR
ENDLESS WAR, PAUL WOLFOWITZ. ON GUITAR YOU KIDDING ME, HOW
DOES THIS GUY KEEP GETTING BOOKED ON TELEVISION, LINDSEY
GRAHAM. >> THIS STUBBORN-HEADED
PRESIDENT WE HAVE WHO THINKS HE KNOWS BETTER THAN EVERYBODY
ELSE, WHO WITHDREW TROOPS. STUBBORN-HEADED, DELUSIONAL,
DETACHED PRESIDENT, BUT THAT'S THE LAST BAD THING I'M GOING TO
SAY. [LAUGHTER]
>> Jon: MY WICKED TONGUE. [LAUGHTER]
[SPEAKING WITH SOUTHERN ACCENT]: I'M SO BAD... AT FOREIGN POLICY. NOW POUR ME ANOTHER JULEP.
LINDSEY FEELS A SONG. >> Jon: BUT, LIKE ANY TERRIBLE
BAND, THEY'RE NOTHING WITHOUT THEIR LEAD SINGER, OLD JOHNNY
ROTTEN. JOHNNY ROTTEN JUDGMENT. HIS ADVOCACY OF THE IRAQ WAR WAS
LEGEND, HIS SOPHISTICATED KNOWLEDGE OF THE REGION
UNPARALLELED, IN THAT IT DID NOT PARALLEL WITH ANYBODY WHO HAD
KNOWLEDGE OF THE REGION. >> THERE IS NOT A HISTORY OF
CLASHES THAT ARE VIOLENT BETWEEN SUNNIS AND SHIAS, SO I THINK
THEY CAN PROBABLY GET ALONG. >> Jon: NOW, THAT IS A TRUE
STATEMENT IF YOU DON'T COUNT THE LONG HISTORY OF VIOLENT CLASHES
BETWEEN SUNNI AND SHIITE. AND HE'S RIGHT, THROUGHOUT
HISTORY THERE ARE LOTS OF EXAMPLES OF SUNNIS AND SHIAS
PEACEFULLY SHARING POWER LIKE WE WERE GOING TO HAVE
THEM DO IN IRAQ. LIKE, UM, OKAY, HERE'S A GREAT ONE, BACK
IN THE 50s, 950, YEAH, THE ONLY TIME IT'S EVER HAPPENED IS
OVER 1,000 YEARS AGO IN WHAT IS NOW IRAN AND IRAQ. THERE WAS A PRO-SHIITE WARLORD
DYNASTY SHARING POWER WITH A PRO-SUNNI CALIPH. YEAH, IN 950. I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY COULDN'T
FIND THIS BOOK. [LAUGHTER]
AND, SINCE JOHN McCAIN WAS ONE OF THE WRONGEST BEFORE AND
DURING THE WAR, IT'S ONLY FITTING THAT IN THIS CURRENT
CRISIS HE WAS ON SO MANY SHOWS YOU'D THINK HE JUST WON "DANCING
WITH THE STARS." [LAUGHTER]
>> A DECISION WAS MADE BY THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION TO NOT HAVE
A RESIDUAL FORCE IN IRAQ. >> WE LEFT TROOPS BEHIND IN
KOREA, IN GERMANY, IN JAPAN, EVEN IN BOSNIA. THEY ARE STABLIZING FORCE. WE HAD THE CONFLICT WON. WE HAD THAT WAR WON. AND WE BLEW IT. >> Jon: AND ALL WE WOULD HAVE DO
MAINTAIN THE VICTORY IS STAY THERE FOREVER. IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU WIN AT A
CASINO. AND TO GET THE MONEY, YOU HAVE
TO LIVE THERE. WHY DID OBAMA SNATCH DEFEAT FROM
THE JAWS OF VICTORY? >> PRESIDENT BUSH SIGNED A
TREATY AT THE END OF 2008 THE STATUS OF FORCES AGREEMENT,
WHICH SAID THAT ALL U.S. FORCES, NOT JUST COMBAT FORCES,
ALL U.S. FORCES, WILL BE OUT OF IRAQ BY THE END OF 2011. >> Jon: WHAT? ONLY A SECRET MUSLIM KENYAN
TERRORIST VEGAN IS SHREWD ENOUGH TO ENSURE OUR DEFEAT BEFORE HE
EVER TOOK OFFICE BY JEDI MIND-TRICKING PATRIOT MAN. ACTUALLY, FOR HIM YOU DON'T
ACTUALLY NEED TO USE THE JEDI MIND TRICK. YOU JUST KIND OF WAVE YOUR HAND
AND HE DOES WHATEVER... ALTHOUGH, TO BE FAIR TO JOHN
McCAIN, IT'S NOT LIKE THIS IS JUST HIS IRAQ STRATEGY.
HE IS CONSISTENT. >> UKRAINE IS GOING TO NEED A
LONG-TERM MILITARY ASSISTANCE PROGRAM FROM THE UNITED STATES. >> QUOTE, "IF THEY KNEW WHERE
THEY WERE, I CERTAINLY WOULD SEND IN U.S. TROOPS TO RESCUE
THEM, IN A NEW YORK MINUTE I WOULD." >> APPROPRIATE USE OF AIR POWER. AIR STRIKES ON ASSAD'S FORCE. >> YOU KNOW THAT OLD BEACH BOY
SONG "BOMB IRAN," BOMB-BOMB-BOMB, BOMB-BOMB IRAN. ANYWAY... >> Jon: HA! THE JOHN McCAIN
MILITARY VICTORY PLAN FOR AMERICA IS THE SAME AS THE JOHN
MCCAIN MEDIA STRATEGY, BE EVERYWHERE FOREVER. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
I miss Jon. He is a national treasure and taught a generation how to be critical of and be a check on the media.