The Chosen Ones (Ep. 1) | Misfits and Magic [Full Episode]

(whooshing) (mystical music) (quill scratching) - Hello, friends, and welcome. We're here at Dimension 20 playing a new game called "Misfits and Magic"! (cheering) We're here! (shouting) (laughing) I am your game master, Aabria Iyengar, and with me are my Magical Misfits. Say hi, Magical Misfits! - [Group] Hi, Magical Misfits! - Oh, that felt really good to do. - Mm-hmm. - All right. We've got Lou Wilson. - Hi, my name's Lou Wilson. I'll be playing Whitney Jammer. Is that good? (laughing) Should I say more? - Yeah, no that's okay. - Can I say more? - No, it's great. - Great. - Right at the camera. - That seems right to me. - That was good. Erika Ishii. - Hi, I'm Erika Ishii, and I'm playing xX_BrokenDream_Xx. (laughing) AKA, Dream. - Danielle. - Hi, I'm Danielle Radford and I'm playing Sam Black. (laughing) - And newcomer to the AP community, Brennan Lee Mulligan. - Hi, I'm Brennan Lee Mulligan, and I'll be playing Evan Kelmp. (snickering) - It begins. - It begins. - Oh! This is gonna be great. All right. A couple things you need to know before we get started. It's not "Dungeons & Dragons". We are using the "Kids on Brooms" system. So, I'm gonna explain it to y'all really fast so you can keep along at home. "Kids on Brooms" has six stats. It's Fight, Flight, Brains, Brawn, Grit, and Charm. And it uses the full polyhedral array, absent the percentile dice, which just means it's all seven except for that one with the double zeros on the D10 that no one understands anyway. - Never liked him. - Yep! - I don't know her. - Are the zeros high or low? - No one knows! What's all zeros? Is that 100, is that zero? We don't worry about that here. So, you have one die that's associated with each of your stats. Whenever you need to make a roll, I will set the difficulty for it and you will roll your die associated with that stat. If it's a magical spell, you'll be adding your Magic D4 along with it, and you're taking the sum total, you're trying to meet or beat my difficulty. These dice are very cool in that if you roll the highest number on the die that you're rolling, it's called a Lucky Break and you get to roll again, add 'em up, sum total. If you beat the difficulty by more than five, then something extra good happens. If you fail by more than five, something interesting happens. And there's a little house rule we're adding to our "Kids on Brooms" game, which is called the Common-Fucking-Sense Die. It's a D6, so whenever you use normal logic to deal with wizard ridiculousness, you add your D6, it becomes a die pool, and we will proceed accordingly. There's also Adversity tokens. We love to fail forward here, so any time you miss a roll, you fail a roll, you get an Adversity token that you can spend one for one to boost a future die roll, or on special abilities that you all have that we'll see over time. So, with that in mind. - That was tight, that was tight. - Thank you! - That was real tight. That was good. - Incredibly solid. - Thank you. - I feel like I honestly, that was the refresher I needed. (laughing) I honestly didn't read the core rule book before showing up today, so this was great. - Thank you. - Now I know what any of this means. - I will forget all of this immediately. - Perfect. We love asking questions, so feel free to ask away. And with that, we will dissolve into the story of "Misfits and Magic". And we begin with an owl, a big beautiful brown owl with flecked white feathers soaring across the Chicago skyline headed towards the South Side where Whitney Jammer... Where would this owl find you at like, 3:00 p.m.? - Bro, you know I'm on the field. Or actually, probably in the gym. It's probably basketball practice. So, we're out here running drills. We need to place point guard for the team, so yeah, Whit is probably out here just practice passing drills, and you know, basketball shit. (laughing) - That's all of 'em. - Just general basketball shit. Lots of sweat, lots of screaming, lots of, "Two, two!" Yeah. - Yeah. You're practicing your triangle offense, we love it. - Of course. You know it. - You post up, down at the base... You should never be there, but it's okay. Strike that, you're doing a Mikan Drill, 'cause I do know basketball, and while you're up under the rim, you hear a little tapping (tapping) as you see an owl carrying something square in its beak up in a far, high window. - Yeah, I hold the ball, I raise my hand to stop the drill, and I go, "Ay, yo, look at that big-ass bird up there!" (laughing) - The entire gym... You're on the varsity team, but JV and frosh/soph are also in there, and when you speak, the entire gym... I don't know why your coach is just like, "I respect Jammer on this." We all stop, everyone looks up, and as attention turns up to the window, that owl just (trills) and dives out and away and is not perceived by the rest of the group. - Hey, y'all see that? Y'all see that big-ass? - "No, I didn't see." - Roger, you didn't see that big-ass bird? - "No. Dude, why are you looking out a window? We have a big game. What are you-" - No, yeah, of course, of course, yo, we've gotta beat Jefferson, but you didn't see? That was a big bird. We don't... Bro. - "We don't... Yeah, there's not birds." - We don't have birds around here. - "Is it like a pigeon?" - Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, it was- - "I saw a big pigeon with a Cheeto earlier today." - Yo, that's some crazy shit, right? - "Yeah." - Do you think that pigeons got preferences around food? Do you think there are some pigeons that are like, "I like Cheetos," and then there are other pigeons who are like, "I like Fritos," and then the other pigeons are like, "I don't fuck with Doritos"? - "You know what? I've never seen a pigeon eat a Taki, so I feel like maybe." - Maybe that's a thing. - "Yeah. Maybe it's a thing. They don't like spicy." - But this was not a pigeon, bro, this was a bigger bird. - "Yo, why don't we take a water break or something? 'Cause you feel really hung up on this and I need you to get your head in the game." - The fact that nobody else saw this, I'ma go check outside. - "Yeah." - Ay- - "If you wanna run by like, just the dirt, just something, you-" - Bro, it's not like that. It's not like that. - "Stay hydrated, friend." - Yeah, of course. - "Cool." - Yeah, you know what? I'm gonna go get a Gatorade, clear my head, we'll get back here, you know, work, keep running shit. Yeah, and I step outside to drink a Gatorade and make sure that I saw what I saw. - Yeah. Basically the moment you step outside, the entire gym sort of re-erupts into full-focused drills, and you see, as you step out and away and out of the eye line of the door, just an owl that goes up to your knee height is standing on the ground, looks at you, gives you a little wink, and then waddles over. - Oh, damn. Hey, I'm sorry I don't have any Cheetos or shit on me to feed you. - It fluffs up. - You're real, right? Can I? I reach out and touch the owl. - The owl definitely does that, tries to turn its head away, but doesn't lean out, so you're able to touch the side of its head. - I immediately- - And it just sort of freezes. - Retract my hand and I'm like, oh, shit, you ain't supposed to touch birds, but I just wanna make sure. - It waddles a little closer and then drops the massive envelope in its mouth at your feet. - I, is this for me? - (sighs) It sighs. - Oh, yeah, it is? Okay. Is there anything on the letter? Does it have, like- - Yeah. So, you're holding this really intricate vellum envelope that's sealed with a navy blue wax seal with a pair of hands with some stars in 'em, it's got glitter and shit in it, it's really cute. - I think this is easily the most elaborate piece of mail Whitney has ever seen, and it's just like, am I supposed to open this? This is too nice. This seems way too nice to open. - The owl just sort of gives a little. - Right, okay. I'm gonna rip it open and pull out its contents. - Yeah, you pull out an intricately-folded piece of parchment that, as you unfold it, the spacial dimensions on it are wild, and it turns to this long, two-foot-long scroll of parchment. And the moment you start to read it, you actually hear a female voice as the owl opens is mouth and speaks along with it. And if you're looking down and looking up it's kind of going back and forth. It keeps cadence with however you're reading this, and it just says, "Congratulations on your acceptance to the Galpenny Academy of the Arcane Arts. Your magical potential, latent though it may be, has been noted, and you are invited to attend the upcoming school year slated to begin on September 1st. As you've been up to this point classified as a non-magical person, two important things must happen quickly. First, if your non-magical parents, family, or guardians have been alerted to this development, they must sign the release waiver, contained, that both consents to your attendance and the requisite memory spell that maintains the secrecy of the magical world. Failure to comply will result in intrusive and unpleasant mage intervention. Second, please use the enclosed teleportation pellet at your earliest availability. It will transport you to a magical neighborhood adjacent to the departure train to Galpenny, and I, Headmistress Boudicca Philtrum, will personally escort you as you acquire vital school supplies for the term. If you choose to forego this once in a lifetime opportunity for a life of quiet mundanity, please burn this letter and forget it ever happened. Thank you." - Boudicca? (snickering) Is that... Boudicca's a name? All right. - And the owl very specifically makes eye contact with you, and once you're locked in it just (coughs softly). - Are you all right? - And it barfs out an owl pellet. - Oh, shit. (laughing) Am I supposed to touch that? - It takes a step back. - Hell no, dog. Hell no, I ain't gonna touch that. I ain't gonna touch the thing you threw up. No! (Aabria trills) No, I ain't gonna touch it! - It goes over and kicks it at you. - I'm not gonna touch it, man, stop. All right, shit. Shit. Whitney immediately checks his pockets for any sort of napkin, and of course there is not one (laughing) 'cause I'm at basketball practice, and he's just gonna reach down and pick up this wet owl pellet. - Yep, hot, wet, and warm. - Oh my god. Whitney immediately puts it in his pocket. Don't tell anybody I picked that up. - The moment you... It mean mugs you back. - Man, ay, what? What, owl? What? - And it starts to turn, its head turns. - All right, all right, I ain't trying to fight no big bird right now. So, I'm going to... I got in to this private-ass school? - (hoots) And it takes off, and as it sort of unfurls its wings, you see this thing has a six-foot wingspan. It is massive, and it just takes off and flies away. - Whit is gonna take a second, just kinda looking at the letter, looking up at this big bird as it flies away. (sighs) Man, private school is fuckin' weird. (laughing) And is gonna walk inside. I'ma ask everyone to circle up real quick. - The coach is like, in the middle of a drill. - Coach, Coach, Coach, hold up, hold up. I need to talk to everybody. - "Can I come, too?" - Yeah, of course. - "Oh, okay, cool. All right, come on, everybody." And they all circle up around you like, "All right, slam this plan, let's go." - Hey, so, you know, I love playing with y'all, you know I love my time here, but you know, I'm all about making it happen, you know? It's what we all want, and I'm trying to do what's best for myself, and you know, I feel like sometimes, you know, Coach, I love you, but sometimes I feel like I'm coaching the team and you're just kinda hanging out. - "I do feel that also." - Yeah, yeah. (laughing) So, you know, I've been looking... I was talking to my moms about going to private schools with some of the better programs, and you know, this isn't one of the ones I applied to, but that big bird just told me that I got into a dope-ass private school that I'ma be teleported to with a woman named Boudicca. (laughing) I guess this is how I say- - "Yo, did anyone give him a concussion? What is happening?" - Nah, nah. No, the big bird is real, I talked... You wanna see some shit? You wanna see some real shit? Y'all wanna see some real shit? I picked up... It threw up this nasty shit and I picked it up and I touched it, all right? This is some real shit. - As you waggle it, a vole skull drops off of the edge of it and hits the ground. - See? This is some- - "Yo! Okay. Don't have that in here. What are you... Go away. Get... You know what? You need to go home. Go home." - All right. Yeah, you know what? I need to take the day. - "Take your little... The bit that fell... Ew." And you just see a bunch of dudes daintily try to kick it without getting their shoes dirty. - Yeah, hey man, yeah. Get that... Nah, I don't want it either. - "I don't like that." - I pick it up and put it... I don't think that's an essential piece of the letter, but okay, yeah, I'ma get out of here 'cause it said I gotta get something signed by my moms anyway. But I'll see y'all. Y'all keep practicing. Let's make sure we gotta get that triangle offense tight for Jefferson on Saturday. I still am gonna finish out the year with y'all, but you know, next year I'ma be at the bird school. - "Okay. Well, I'm very happy... No, no, no, I heard about this before where you have to go with it for a little bit so they feel better. I'm very happy for your bird school." - Hey, thank you, man. This is exciting stuff, dude. - "This is very nice for you." - This is big. They keep talking about me as being magical. I'm one with the rock, so, this is just real stuff- - One of the freshmen starts to cry, like, "I looked up to you!" (laughing) - Dude, I mean, it's probably not further than Highland Park, right? That's like, 30 minutes away, all right? I'll take the bus back all the time and shit. (crying) Hey, come here. I give... Hey, everybody, come here. Come here, come here. - "Yeah, okay." - I have everyone, and I put my hand in for one of those big, you know- - "Yeah, let's do it." - Those big hands in. I mean, hey, we're always gonna be family here, right? - "Uh-huh." - Right? The bonds we made playing together on this team, that's real. The games we played, the sweat, the blood, they can't take that away from us, all right? So, I want Madison on three, Family on six. One, two, three- - [Aabria And Lou] Madison! - Four, five, six. - [Aabria And Lou] Family! - "I forgot the second part, I'm so sorry." - It's tough 'cause you get really hype at Madison and then you forget that we're gonna count up to six. - "Yeah. I'm new, so, yeah." - Hey man, you've got a lot of potential. - "Oh, that means a lot to me, and I would feel better if you didn't talk about magic and then you were holding a poop in your hands." - Man, all right. This is weird shit. But hey, private school is crazy, all right? They got juice and shit in the fountains, so I think that's the thing. - "You should bring some juice back, though. When you come to visit, bring some juice." - Bro, you don't think I'm going in with a couple bottles to take that fountain juice home with me? - That little freshman runs off and comes back with a Gatorade bottle, empties out some water. "Bring back juice." - Bro, I'ma fill this up with juice from our water fountains. - "Yes, all right. Juice on three? No, that's weird." - No, we can do it. - "Okay, juice on three." - Juice on three, Madison on six, Family on nine. - "Oh, shit. Oh god!" - Keep it... All right, here we go. - "Okay." - [Aabria And Lou] One, two, three, juice! - Four, five, six- - [Aabria And Lou] Madison! - Seven, eight, nine- - [Aabria And Lou] Family! - "Yeah!" - Yeah! - "I love 'The Fast and the Furious', I knew I could do the last one." - Hell yes you could! - "Yes!" - All right, y'all, I'ma go home 'cause I got a date with a woman named Boudicca. And I'm gonna grab my bag, my ball, and head out and head back home. - The freshman starts to cry a little bit again, confused by the end of that. - Hey man, it's gonna be all right. It's gonna be all right. - (crying) "It's okay, just go!" - Yeah, yeah. - "You left on a strong moment, and honor that. God." - It's just, every time you cry I feel like I need to come back. - "No, just go!" - I don't want you to be crying when I leave. - "Go!" - Okay. All right, all right. - "I also realize I put my hand on your hand and you touched the bird thing and I also don't feel good about that." - Man, come on. - "Does anyone have Purell?" And he just walks away. - (sighs) Yeah, Coach, we gotta get Purell in here. - "Don't tell me what to do? Are you at this school anymore? Get out!" - I mean... You know what? You know what? I'ma go home. And yeah, I walk out and go catch the bus back to my crib. - Nice. And as you head out and away, we follow another identical owl, massive tawny flying across, and you see the Space Needle across its wings as it heads over to the home of Karen Tanaka. - Karen is in her bedroom. There's posters of My Chemical Romance on the walls. (rock music) There's a multi-monitor setup with all the RGB lights. She's currently typing furiously, responding angrily to some tweet from somebody else in the "Steven Universe" community. (laughing) - "All I'm saying is, if the gems could be dudes, what would they look like?" - Oh my god, no! It's total erasure of all these incredible female characters. I can't even... And suddenly the owl slams into the window. (slamming) (gasping) - The owl kind of picks itself up, you see one pupil's kinda blasted and the other... It's a little concussed. Kinda gets up. (exhales) It has a massive envelope in its beak and it sort of taps lightly on the window trying to like... It's a freshly cleaned window, so it is absolutely stymied by what's happening. It kind of keeps looking at you, tapping the window, and waiting. - I throw up the window and I look around, and I go. It happened. My owl is here. (bright music) Yes. I always knew I was special. - It slowly releases the envelope from the beak and then kind of backs away from you. - This is it. Yes. Yes she opens it slowly, reverently, taking a moment to stop by and post a status, saying, "Fuck you guys." (laughing) "I always knew magic was real!" And logging, just logging out of the account forever. - Yup. - She opens up the envelope, peruses the letter inside. - As you begin to read it, the owl also begins to give the same speech, and then you hear halfway through, a knock on your door. "Sweetie, what's that-" - What is it, Janet? - "You know I don't like when you call me Janet. Mom, mother." - Parental unit. - "Weirder, but I will accept that. Your TV's a little loud. What's going on?" - Ugh. You wouldn't get it, okay? Just stay out of my business! - "Whoa, that's a lot of... Do you wanna talk about... I'm coming in." - No, don't come in! - "I knocked, I respected your boundary," and she opens up the door and your mom, she looks like you, but 40 years in the future with a nice high bun. She's wearing all of her nice little pantsuit. Both your parents are professors at the University of Washington, so she kind of just comes in and sits on your bed and gives you a little pat, and is looking right at you, and it's not until she sits down that she looks over and sees a massive owl standing in the window sill. "Oh, god! (laughs) What?" - I got accepted into the magical school that I told you that I'd probably get my letter for. It's a little late, but you know, it's here, and so that's probably gonna happen, you know? 'Cause I'm special and cool. - "Sweetie, did you rent an owl on the internet?" - No, Mother, I did not rent an owl on the internet. - "Oh." - There are strict handling laws in Seattle. (Brennan laughs) - "The fact that you know that is very upsetting. Mo, can you come in here? Our daughter has an owl." And you hear running into the room, your dad slides in like, "Hey, hey, sweetie. Oh, oh, oh. What are we doing? What is this?" - An acceptance to a magical school. You know? - "Is that a craft? I'm very proud of you. Artistic expression is so important. It's like all your piercings and the tattoos that you've got." - God, why do you have to be so lame all the time? - "What? I just thought we talked about this." - Look. Respect my boundaries, please. - "No touching." - Respect that you don't understand what's going on. Just because you see it on the TikTok doesn't mean- - "I have a TikTok, there's five... I have five friends." (laughing) - Your content is solid, yes. (laughing) - "Thank you." - That's beside the point. I'm going to a magical school and you can't stop me. - "We would never stop you if you went to a magical school. What's this really about? Are you getting bullied at school? Is that what's happening? Do we-" - No! I'm doing most of the cyberbullying, thank you very much. - "Please don't be a bully. Don't do that. Do we need to do something with the internet?" - Okay, I'm sorry, I misspoke. It's less bullying and more keeping people accountable. - "Mm. You know what-" - In a very aggressive and effective manner. - "No, I hear you, and it's funny because all of those... I understand that growing up around us you have a certain set of terminology that you like. Right words, wrong attitude? Is that a thing I can say? It just doesn't feel quite right the way you've said that, though I feel like I should agree." - I'm gonna check with the group chat if that is acceptable language. - "Okay. Go ahead and check with the group chat. But let's address the, you have a paper, there's a fowl, a wild animal in the window." - Well look. - "What do I do?" - I mean, here. Look. This is... It seems legit, you know? - "Yeah." - And come on, it's just like I always talked about on the forums, you know? When I was 11 and I was like, "Where's my owl? I should be getting accepted to this magical school-" - "We should not have let her on-" - Clearly I'm different and cool and so much darker than my peers. I deserve this. - "You're not very dark... Not that colorism is a problem, but you're inside most of the time. You're not actually that dark." - Yeah, I'm conducting important crusades online. - "Crusade? Don't like that word either." (laughing) And as your father goes and starts reading, the moment he picks up at the top, the bird begins again and your mother lets out a sound. (cheerful music) I don't know if you hear it right away, but the dogs in the neighborhood start to just howl as she's just staring down the owl like. (laughing) "What? The owl's talking! Please, why? What?" - I mean, come on, you went to all the "Harry Potter" movies with me and everything. - "Yes, but those are movies and that's, oh my fuck, that's..." (laughs exasperatedly) - Pull it together, Janet. - "Okay, you're handling this too well. I think I'm taking this the right way. Maurice! Why are you still... Okay, okay, okay." (breathing heavily) - Look, I'm sure that whatever this is, it is going to bring out my latent dark witch abilities, right? All of my years of praying to the Lord Lucifer are finally paying off for me. - "I feel like setting intention is important, I don't feel great about the... Well, now I think maybe it's." (sighs) - Look, I did okay in school, I went along with all the normals and everything for as long as it was convenient, but this is a great opportunity for me. And I know that you're anxious for me to, you know, follow my calling, whatever that may be, we value education in this family, but that, you know, it's really up to me in the end. - "You're right." - So, this is my choice. I'm clearly going to wherever... Where is it? Where did you say this was? And I turn to the owl. - And as your dad goes back to read it, the owl addresses you. "Galpenny Academy of Arcane Arts." - Galpenny Academy of Arcane Arts. (sighs) I bet that I'm gonna get a ton of cool powers, like Wanda from "WandaVision". (laughing) - "I knew she was too young to let her watch that. Maybe the watching is what did it." And your mom just kind of... She doesn't quite swoon, but she sits back on the bed, takes a little bit of a pose to compose herself, and they continue to listen as the owl and the letter explain. And they're like, "What do you mean, a memory spell? What?" (slow music) - I sit down on the bed next to them, like, look, Janet, Maurice- - "I don't like... Please, Mother." - Mom, Dad. - "Thank you. Thank you." - I really want this. My entire life I have felt just very different from everybody else. I'm very, very different, and that sets me apart and makes me unique and very creative. - "Yes, you have very good self-esteem." - Yes. And I just, you know, I can visit home and stuff and we can have curry nights and stuff still. But you know, you have to respect my boundaries and everything, and- - As you say "Boundaries," they both tackle you for a hug and just start crying. - Mom, Dad... - "If they make us forget you, you have to kill them all with your magic." (sobbing) - Don't worry, I'll do a ton of magic killing. - "We love you so much and we're gonna ignore that last bit you said." And as they kind of just dog pile you with love and support and acceptance, (Erika groaning) We move out and away as the owl sort of backs away and takes off again. And a different owl a little bit farther south comes across the ocean and into the port town of Portland, Oregon, where this owl is looking for one Samantha Butler. - So, Sam is hanging out in her streaming room. She's got her microphone. It used to be where her mom kept all the stuff from her multilevel marketing scheme where she sold tights to her friends from high school. So, you can still see the tights and all the things in boxes that her mom has tried to sell. There's some vitamins just everywhere. (laughing) But you can see neatly carved out with all of those behind, Sam is doing a mukbang while she talks to all of her many followers. And she is eating, for no good reason other than everyone else is doing it, she's eating a meal of sausages, rice, and cucumbers, and she has an idea of why everyone is doing it, but she's just gonna let that pass. (laughing) So, Sam is eating her cucumber so that you can really get the crunch in, just real obnoxious like, (crunching) and people love it, and it makes them feel so relaxed. And taking little nibbles of her rice and telling everyone about her day at school, which it went really well. She doesn't know if she has to go to summer school yet, but hopefully she can because that would be so much new good content, you guys. And so, she is in the middle of taping this mukbang. - And mid cucumber crunch, so loud you can't hear a massive feathered situation land on your windowsill, and before it taps it kind of looks, and you see it narrow its eyes with this intense intelligence as it sees on the back in your depth of field Twitch, it says "Sam Black", and the bird is like, "I know what I was told. That looks like her." This bird will be out here for a good 20 minutes trying to figure out what's going on before it finally gets brave enough to give a little tap. - Oh, shit! Sam sees the bird. She looks kinda confused, so she walks up to the window. She doesn't open it yet, but she just kind of watches the bird, seeing what bird things it's doing. - It's kind of staring and appraising you. - Oh, it's judging me? - Yes. - Oh, who are you to judge me? You think you're better than me, bird? Sam opens up the window. - What's your mic situation? Were you using an ASMR mic? I just wanna know if the chat's like, "What? What's happening? - A binaural mic. - Oh, okay, cool. - Because you really need to hear the crunch from the left and the right side. - Yes, yes. - That's how it pumps itself into your ears and gives you the tingles. - Sweet. But the gain's not high enough for them to understand, and your entire chat has gone into slow mode, the mods have switch it to slow mode. They're like, "Is she about to die? Is someone breaking in? Oh no." Your follower count is shooting up, you're on the front page of Twitch now 'cause everyone's like, "I think we're about to see this girl get murdered live. What's happening?" (laughing) It's blown up immediately. They can't quite see the bird out of frame. It's not in the shot as it's. - So, I go over. Sam opens up the window and then stands back with arms up. (Lou clapping) (laughing) 'Cause that bird is judging. We cool? And Sam is backed up now, maybe to the point where the camera might be able to catch her, I don't know. - You actually look over and see that this bird has scoped your situation and is staying very specifically where it is. It's out of the frame. - Oh. What? You thought you were big and bad, you come into my apartment, you come into my little room here and what? You can't follow me? - (coughs softly) Drops the envelope. - Ew. Ah. Sam walks over, sees the envelope, grabs it, looks over at it. Oh, I like that font. Maybe I'll get that in my new intro. That's really nice, I like all the glitter and stuff, that's cute, that's cute. Then Sam opens up the envelope, is like, oh, so you're like a raven bringing good tidings and news? - This bird looks... You know what? No. This is gonna be the first roll. (laughing) Please make a Brains roll for me. - Oh no. - Difficulty of five. - Oh, buddy. I mean, it's a four. - It explodes! - Explodes! - Explodes! Roll again! - You can hit the five. - You actually have. You do no matter what. - You will no matter what, hit the five. - A four again! - It's a four again! (cheering) - It explodes! Does it explode again? Roll again? - Go again! - Keep rolling! - Oh my god, oh my god- - A hot streak! - Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. Two. - 10. - For a total of 10. In this moment- - That's the smartest any of us are ever gonna get. - This bird. (laughs) (Brennan groans) You understand exactly... This bird is operating at your precise wavelength. And wordlessly you know it's like, "Did you just call me a fucking raven? Oh my god. I didn't ask you out loud if you were streaming on Mixer." (gasps) (laughing) "Yeah, excuse me." - It's BIGO now, excuse me. - "I don't even know what that is. Do you understand me right now?" - I think I talk to birds now. - "Oh, shit." - Oh, I'm sorry, mods. Thank you for handling the chat. I'm talking to this bird. (laughing) - The bird ducks away, leaning. - F, F. - Hella back out the window. - Fs in the chat. Just the whole time. (laughing) (Brennan sighs) - Fs in the chat. So, I open up the envelope. - And as you start to read, you actually, there's a little footed talon kind of pushes it down and looks at you like, "Girl, maybe stop streaming right now." (laughing) - (sighs) I walk over. Oh my god, you guys, I'm so sorry about that. There's a bird, and it's being real buck, but I think it's gonna be fine, I think we've reached an understanding. So, I will see you all here tomorrow. Thank you so much for hanging out, I have had so much fun. Make sure to like and subscribe and I will talk to you all once I'm done dealing with my bird stuff. Bye! (laughing) - #BirdStuff starts trending on Twitter. - Yeah! 100%. - Whitney for sure watched that. Whitney for sure got a text from somebody being like, "Yo, girl about to get murdered by bird on Twitch," and for sure watched the whole thing. - Oh man. And the moment you power down the stream the bird steps into the window, walks over, stands next to some of the cucumber, looks at you, looks at the cucumber like... - Okay, fine, beggin' ass. (laughing) - "Thank you." Just starts grubbing on the cucumber, then kinda forgets that it had a speaking role in what was to come, and a little spray of cucumber happens as you start to read the letter. It looks very apologetic as it's giving you the same speech that you've seen before. "You've been accepted to the Galpenny Academy of Arcane Arts. Do stuff, tell your parents or don't. There's magic, and you have about a week to get ready before the term starts." - Galpenny, who's picking Galpenny? I feel like I've heard that. Is that like... Is that like an adult website thing? 'Cause I can't do those. - Turns its head 180 to no longer face you. - You know, gal, penny, you pay a penny to the gal and then the gal... You buy pennies instead of money. I feel like I've heard that before. - The bird laments its lack of hand to facepalm. (groans) - Okay, well, I guess I go to this school now. (laughing) I don't know how this works. I guess registration's already taken from me. Hey, Mom. - And as your mom slowly makes her way to the room, this owl realizes that it also had a barf component of this and first cucumber comes out and then the magical owl pellet. "Oh." And it actually does the talon scrape-away of the cucumber, but looks at you like, "I'm so... That was very messy of me, I apologize. I'm just gonna eat this again." - Ew. Mom, can you get the thing that just... Not the cucumber. Can you get that thing that just came out of its mouth? - "Why is... Mm. Why is... Girl, why's there a bird in here?" - Well, this isn't like last time, okay? This is a real... The bird was supposed to be here. I didn't do anything. This isn't for views. This bird- - "I don't believe or trust you. You constantly say, 'It's for the cont,' and I don't know what that means." - It's for the cont! - "It sounds almost like something real upsetting and I don't... I saw a show about e-girl, it's a porn thing. Are you doing porn and somehow the owl is there? What is?" - No, but I bet someone could look that up online, please don't. (laughing) It's gotta be somewhere. - Please don't. Oof. - No, I was doing my daily mukbang with all of my cucumbers and my sausages, the way that people like. And then this just, this bird- - "Sweetie, we got... Okay, no. You know what? I can't tell if I should be the one to tell you what that is about, or if you know and we're just not gonna talk about it. I have a boundary." - People love cukes. Who don't love a cuke? Everyone loves a cuke. - "Is it me? Did I not raise her to know that's a dick? (laughing) What is that? That's me, okay. Continue, baby. What's up?" - So, this... I'm sorry, what's your name? I didn't get your name? (Brennan laughs) Bird. - Yeah, the bird looks at you mid mouth of food, it's actually moved to a sausage at this point, it's got one in its talon like. - I'm gonna name you Sausage. Sausage over here just came while I was in the middle of my mukbang and gave me this wet paper, and it says that I'm going to a different school now. Did y'all enroll me in a school while I wasn't... 'Cause you said that I wasn't gonna have to go to the school that all the bad kids go to if I keep at least a D to C average. - "Whoo, Ds make degrees." - Ds make degrees. - "And I live by that." - So- - Oh. - "No, 'cause I wouldn't have enrolled you in a school that involves a flying rat as a delivery mechanism 'cause we have email. So no, that's not on me." - Oh, actually... Don't say flying rat. This one is real sensitive. - Yeah. Stink eye, just one golden stink eye. She's like, "Okay, my bad. Are we gonna... Am I gonna fight this bird?" - I almost fought the bird. - "Good instincts. Good instincts. All right. Whoo, you're my daughter again. I was worried for a second, you're like, 'I don't get all the dick food on the camera.'" - Dick food? - "Wild. Oh, okay. Well, if you're gonna go-" - She makes that face like a confused puppy makes when they kinda turn. - Both you and the owl do it simultaneously, you and Sausage just. - Hmm. - Yeah. And your mom looks back and forth at this situation and the odd assortment of things that have happened here, and you see it takes her a good 30 seconds to go like, "This is real and happening. And the most important thing I can do now is explain sexual double entendre to my daughter who's going to be leaving the house and I can't trust what you're gonna do on your own." And she begins to give you the talk, completely ignoring all of the magical stuff that's happening right now, but that's... That's your beautiful gift as we slowly move out of the window as Sausage does her level best to grab the other one and fly out, just kinda step out like, "All right, I'ma dip. This doesn't apply to me." And takes off. - What is that word you kept saying? What is a mukbang? (laughing) This whole time I've been sitting here being like, what the hell is a mukbang? Is it a mukbang? Am I saying it right? - It's a mukbang. It got really popular in Korea, and it's basically you watch people eat a bunch of food, and sometimes they're quiet, and sometimes they're telling stories and things like that. But yeah, for some reason for some people it's really soothing to watch people eat, or it just kinda feels like it's kinda your buddy or your friend. - It's like social eating. - It's like having a meal with someone. - Yeah, it's like being on Zoom and having dinner with a friend. - Great. You're welcome. (laughing) 'Cause you were wondering, too. Don't act like you know better. Don't act. Don't act like you knew and I didn't. - Literally everyone but you know what that is. - Oh, stop! Not a chance! You mouthed it. Don't- - I had no idea what that is. - No! - I have no clue what that is. - I don't like it. Collusion at the table. We all got it 'cause we know what's good. And as we sort of sweep away from that scene, a camera pans and zooms thousands of miles away back towards the Midwest, but not towards any city, towards a wide open plain and endless rows of corn and soybeans as we get to Millersburg, Iowa. And this owl that looks tired, confused, deeply upset at the utter lack of trees in the available area for perching and just vibing, where does this owl find Evan? - So, I'm Evan Kelmp. (laughing) - I almost spit out my water. - Just the name. - Just the name. - K-E-L-M-P, Kelmp. - Oh. It's too many consonants. (laughing) - It leaves your mouth in that, oh. - Kelmp. - Kelmp. - Kelmp. - Kelmp. - You swallow it, it's a name you swallow. - You swallow it, yeah. - You do swallow it. I think Evan is currently probably walking down the road. I'm sleeping right now at an available cot in one of the non-used bunks at Camp Lonefield. There are a lot of summer camps in the area that don't have max capacity and you can usually find a cot or a bunk in one of the bunkhouses that is not currently being used by a rented camp service. I'm over six feet but slouch below six feet, very much from the Adam Driver School of... Coin flip if you think he's handsome or spooky looking. - Could be both. - Could be both. And I have just a white T-shirt, khakis that are way too long for my already long legs and are kind of accordioned around these seemingly brandless chunky sneakers. - Oh, no. Kirkland brand sneakers. - Rubber Casio watch, waterproof watch, pockets bulging with belongings. Just a grocery bag with T-shirts, socks, and underwear in it. And I'm just walking down the highway. - Oh my god. - That's the saddest thing I've heard today. - I've ever heard. Wrap the game. - There you go. Congratulations. - I can't do this. - Hey, there you go. - You did it. - And this bird sort of flies overhead and sees you, and then sort of breaks its pattern and comes back around, but then begins circling, less like an owl and more like a vulture. And that's when you notice it overhead. (slow music) What do you do? - Stand very still. Has the bird gotten close enough to me that I'm able to see any defining traits or characteristics? Can I see features of this bird? - Yeah. The sun's sort of setting, so you're in that weird hour where shadows are starting to get a little bigger. So, it slowly comes down a little bit and now it's about 20 feet overhead, and you see that it's holding a big envelope in its beak and looking down at you with eyes that, you know what owls look like. You have a lot of time of just looking out of windows and imagining whatever happens behind those eyes. And its pupils, there's no gold, there's no color to it, it's completely black. - Oh, hello, friend. You're not native to this region. You're a completely different kind of owl. Oh, boy. Are you gonna be weird, or will you be normal? - (laughs) Even though you're whispering and it's high in the air, it swoops around one more time before landing in front of you in the highway. There's no cars coming at all. You'd be able to see for a solid mile in every direction. It's so fucking flat. And this bird is 20 feet away, and puts the envelope down and spreads out its wings and bows to you. - Don't bow. Don't do that, that's so weird. Please don't do that. Don't do that. - It holds. - Okay. What do you want? Is that for me, the letter? - It kind of leans up again and you see it blink, and it blinks and the eyes switch between that all black and then a normal golden irised thing and then back to black, and it flits back and forth between the two. And it gives a little weird nod and begins to sort of jerkily back away from you. - Okay. Is that normal for you, or is a weird thing happening to you? - You see in the way it's ruffled, it doesn't seem super comfortable with anything that's happening right now. - Okay. You don't have to stay for whatever's happening. (laughing) You don't have to stay, you can go. I know that I'm bad. I know I'm bad to be around. You can go if this is not good for you. Okay, I'm gonna pick up the letter. And I go pick up the letter from the ground. - (laughs) As you pick it up, the bird kind of gets up and seems to shake off whatever effect was keeping it jerky and inconsistent. Its eyes return to that normal golden look, and it waits patiently looking at you. Make a Charm roll for me, difficulty of 10. - That's never gonna happen. - Hey, we saw magic earlier on that side of the table, okay? - Magic! - Let's go this side. Here we go. Explode, explode. - This is my D4. (blows) That's hit that 10. - We're going big, we're going big. - You can do it. - It's a hot two. (laughing) - That's not it. Ya-da-da. - As you pick it up, you make unfortunate eye contact with this bird and it screeches at you. - You're an owl, why are you scared of me? (screeching) Please go! You don't have to be... I can't guarantee your safety either, so leave! - And you actually see, its wings instinctively go out as if it wants to take off, and then it slowly tucks itself back in. - Fine, fine, I'll read it fast. - It has to stay. - I'll read it fast, I'll read it fast. I open the letter. - As you open the letter, you hear a little (hissing) but it's not a sound coming from the envelope, it's just an envelope. You hear something behind your mind hiss with appreciation as you begin to read. And the bird's voice, an elderly British woman's voice comes out and reads your acceptance to Galpenny Academy of the Arcane Arts. - Okay. Okay. The section about legal guardians or parents, do we need a signature to affirm that we don't have any? Or does that- - The owl sort of extends its neck and shakes its head a little bit. - So, that can be returned blank and that's not gonna gum up any paperwork? - And it just sort of nods. - Okay. Well, I'm happy to save some bureaucratic (laughs weakly). (laughing) - That's the saddest laugh I've ever heard. I was like, is that a laugh? Is that? I'm not sure that counts. - Okay, but this is real? This is not an illusion or a mean trick? This is real. - And the bird sort of reluctantly begins to step forward towards you. And once it reaches within five feet of you, its eyes go black again and it goes to barf up that teleportation owl pellet, but a splatter of black ichor comes out first. - Just please, I know you don't owe me any favors, but I'm gonna make eye contact with you. Please just make a little owl face like that's how that always go. Just make a little owl face that you always spit up some blood when you do that. I'm gonna look at you in three. One, two, three. - 180 degrees (laughing) look in the direction. - I'm so sorry. Do you have any other responsibilities or tasks that you need to fulfill? You can go, if you need to. - You hear a shutter come out of this bird's mouth and lungs as it takes off and up and just fucks off entirely from your whole situation. It seems to dip, and it takes a little bit to get its bearings again in the air and it flaps away. And you eventually lose it across the horizon line. And it's out of eyeshot and earshot, so you don't hear the strangled sound it makes when it is snatched out of the air and disappears from view. And something laughs menacingly. - I don't hear that? - You don't. You don't. You don't. - You missed that part. - You missed that part. Do you wanna try to hear it? - Yeah, I would love to try. - Yeah, okay. Give me a Brains roll. Let's make that difficult. It's gotta be hard 'cause I did say it didn't happen. But it could happen. Let's go a difficulty of 12. It's doable. - It's doable. - Doable. - It's doable. - Do you have to explode? - I don't have to explode, I have a one in six chance of hitting it on the die. - All right. - You know the odds. - He did that math so fast in his head. - That's gonna be another hot two. (laughing) - Don't forget, when you fail a roll, give yourself an Adversity token. - Oh, I failed two so far. - There you go. - Hey man, you're banking. - Ay! - You're failing forward, there you go. - I think I totally miss any of that and I just go like, "Did it fly here from England? It's hundreds of days. Where does it rest on the ocean? It can't lock its wings like an albatross and sleep on the wind? Owls- - How do you know about albatrosses? - Oh, you think I don't know bird facts? - Oh my god! - It's a thing. It's a thing. We don't... Don't ask this man questions about birds. - Tell me about peacocks. - Oh, I'll tell you all about peacocks. You know that there's a native population of peacocks in, I believe, Pasadena or nearby there. - Pasadena and Fontana. - And Fontana. - I could show you a bunch of pictures of peacocks in my backyard. - Yo! - Now do cockatoos. - Cockatoos- (laughing) - I like this. - Cockatoos are a distinct species of birds from cockatiels, which I believe are just a smaller miniature version of cockatoos. - Oh, I didn't know that. - He's right! - Yeah. - Could go for other birds. Let's see, I have facts about cassowaries. - Nope. I'm regretting calling you out on a trivia thing one time. - See, there you go. There you go, you learned. You learned. - I take it back. - You're gonna get caught. - I take that shit back. - You're gonna get caught with this man. - Do it once and you'll never have to do it again. - Exactly. - Next season on "Um, Actually" on the all-avian episode. (laughing) - Oops, all birbs. - Oops, all birds. - I am going to look at this form. I don't... I don't have anyone to fill out this waiver, so I'm gonna reach into my pockets. I think I have double thick wallet, I have a plastic gas station phone with no screen on it, just button pad. And I'm gonna reach and take out a pen and I'm going to write on the part that's for me as a student. I will sign Evan Kelmp, and underneath I will put an asterisk and say, "As a legal minor, legal adult within a few months, but as a legal minor. In America this would have to be witnessed by an adult. I'm on a highway right now and there's no adult nearby, so hopefully this can be filled out later." Close it, and swallow the owl pellet. - Oh. You didn't have to swallow it. - He assumes this is a pill to swallow. He's like, "I have another 12 miles to the bakery where I know I can open the dumpster and pick out some bagels, so I'm gonna go and grab some." Just swallow that. - Please make a Grit roll, difficulty of five. - He knew about albatross wings, but he didn't think to not eat the owl pellet? - Evan sleeps in unused camp bunks in Millersburg, Iowa, so he hits a five on a Grit check automatically, that's half the die. - Beautiful. Yep. - That's half the die. - Yeah, you're able to body it. Not the worst thing that's happened to you lately. - Oh my god. (laughing) That is so nasty. - And we sort of pan away to a quirky office full of brass hourglasses and strange geometrical things as a woman in sleek black robes looks down at a parchment in front of her as she sees the words Evan wrote on his parchment pop up. And she looks, furrows her brow. Frowns as it gets sadder and sadder. "All right." And then she looks up at the same time as you swallow the owl pellet and she goes, "Oh, didn't have to... Disgusting. Well, it appears to be time to begin." And she takes off this top layer of sleek black robes and puts on some spangly blue and silver ones with shooting stars that go everywhere, and a big ridiculous-looking witch hat. She looks deeply uncomfortable at her visage in one of these strange mirrors and goes, "It begins." And she teleports away. And all of you, when you received your letters on different days at different times, you all happen, for one reason or another, to crush the owl pellet at the same time. - Oh, it's meant to be crushed. (laughing) Well, it will eventually be certainly crushed in a manner of speaking. - That is how peristalsis works, but I don't like that we're doing it this way. - Mm-mm. - Sure, sure. - Mm-mm. - Yeah. - Checks out. - Yeah. - That makes more sense. (laughing) - No, no, no. - And you all disappear and reappear in a city. And let me be very clear, this is a world in which you all are from, the real world in America, and "Harry Potter" exists. And you are in the quirkiest, British-est, most adorable looking cobblestone amalgamation of little shops and tiny wizards in weird robes moving back and forth with poofs of smoke and magic, bustling on a bright, but still a little chilly, London afternoon. You all appear in a row next to each other. - Oh shit, bird murder! Girl, I watched that! I thought you were gonna straight up die. I thought you were gonna get murdered by a bird. - I was gonna hit that bird in the face. - Yo, wait, oh! You saw the same bird. Yo, did you... I was gonna hit that bird in the face. - Oh, I was gonna hit that bird in the face! - Yo, that bird was trippin', yo! Oh! - Ugh, they put me with a bunch of mainstream preps. But wait a minute. - Karen? - Sam? It's Dream now. - Okay. (laughing) Karen, nice to see you again. - Oh my god, are you still on the "Sailor Moon" boards? - No, they shut those down. It got really, really weird once one of the translations came out. - Yeah, I know. - Uh-huh. How are you? - Oh, you know, just like, on the internet and stuff. Fine. I'm probably a chosen one. Found out a couple days ago, probably though. - I'm probably, like a chosen one, too! - Oh, but- - That's why I got a bird. - I'm like, a different kind of chosen one, though. You're probably gonna get the sort of Hermione Granger-ish sort of magic and I'm gonna probably get something really dark, you know? - Oh. - Yeah. - Well, that's so fun for you! - I know, it's gonna be pretty rad. - Yeah, I think it's gonna be great. Congratulations. - Thank you. - Did you get a weird bird, too? - Hi, I'm Evan Kelmp. (laughing) Nice to meet you. Hi. - Nice to meet you, Kelmp. - Is that a nickname? - I tend to talk to people by their last names sometimes. Do you wanna be called Kelmp? Oh. Oh my god. - What? - I broke him. I broke him. - Sorry. Sorry, sorry, no, no, I'm fine. Yeah, I got the bird, too. Owl not native to... Clearly a European great horned owl, and it came, its eyes flickered, and it spat out some blood and that pellet. - Oh, I didn't get any blood. Did y'all get blood? - No, no blood. There was a little skull in mine, but no blood. - Mine was just all cukes. - You- - And at that moment before you're able to say anything past "You," in a swirl of blue and silver, a woman stands in front of you. She's incredibly tall, not quite... Would be of a height with Evan, but she stands with her full six feet and some inches, very pale skin, mid-50s with a giant stupid-looking wizard hat and robes that will not stop moving, kind of a motion sickness vibe going, and she says, "Hello! My name is Headmistress Philtrum. I am the headmistress of Galpenny Academy of Arcane Arts, and you lovely four are the first foreign exchange students we've ever had." - I fuckin' knew it! - "Language!" - Just like in my fanfiction. - "Your what?" - Fanfiction. Were you ever on Fic Alley, or you know, Leaky Cauldron, or? - "No, no, no, this place is called Vertic Alley. It's a beautiful menagerie of shops, and I will escort you to get prepared for your first term at Galpenny. Ah, hello." - Do you know if the stores here offer either a payment plan or if they offer store credit cards, or some manner of... I can't... If these books are comparably expensive to normal textbooks- - "Oh, oh! No, no, no. We understand that you all come from Namp uh, families." - What'd you call me? - "No, no, I'm sorry. A Namp is a non-magical person because we can't say the other word anymore 'cause now that's technically a slur. So you're all Namps. Well, you were, now you're wizards." - Namp is the better word? (laughing) - That's my thought as well. We're all on the same page, yeah. - I'm like, what was the other... Was the other word Muggle? Oh, oh, oh, oh! We can't say that. - How is Namp better? - "No, please don't say... You can't say that out loud. There's people..." You actually see a, (squeals) and she drops a little- - Can I ask, is there a thing where Muggles can call each other Muggles? - Yeah, right? - "You can't say that!" - But y'all can't call- - "Oh, god! You're wizards!" - You can't call me a Muggle. - We're gonna reclaim it. - "Please stop!" - Honestly, let's take it back. We're fuckin' Muggles! - "Please!" - Muggles! - In her just freak-out, a wand appears in her hand. And this is gonna be our first Opposed roll, so I need you to roll a Grit difficulty of, well, it's an Opposed roll, so roll your Grit and we'll see- - All of us? - No, just the one that kept saying the M-word. - Just Jammer. - That is gonna be an eight. Explode! - Ooh! - That's gonna be a seven for a 15, plus one equals 16. (indistinct) - Beautiful. And she looks at you as you're yelling it, and after you get that last little outburst, you feel your mouth clamp shut as if you were eating the stickiest toffee pudding. You actually taste weird British sweet, which is weird, it's not- - Oh, oh we know. Yeah, 100%, yeah. - Yeah. It's like gamey, it's like a gamey sweet. - Gamey. Yeah, there's some... They hunted for this sweet. - Brennan's eating! Brennan's eating. - I know. I have a little- - Brennan's eating, Brennan's eating, Brennan's eating. - I have a little pouch of almonds. - Literally squirreled it away! - Literally squirreled it away. - Please take an Adversity token for snitching. (laughing) - We'll call it golden snitching here. Can we say that? Cut it out! (laughing) But you rolled very high, but she's a very good wizard. "Please don't say-" - We're a bunch of Mug- - Whoa. - "Don't-" - Did you just literally silence a marginalized community member? (Lou mumbling) - "We are all wizards, and so we can't use that word!" (Lou mumbling) - I can't tell if this is corporal punishment or not, but this doesn't seem like something you should legally be allowed to do. But they don't have freedom of speech here. Did you guys know that in England, they don't have freedom of speech? - Mm. - It's not a guaranteed right. They have a kind of working- - I thought it was his... The tabloids are totally messing up the legal system. - Yeah, something like that. - Ugh, oh. - You okay, bud? - Yeah. That was nasty. - "Please don't use that word here." - All right, fine. - "What are you talking about? That's like... No, I specifically did that with the flavor of our delicious desserts at Galpenny." - Man, what desserts are you talking about? - "What are you talking about? - Give me like a dollar cone at McDonald's sweet. That's the kind... That's what I'm... Whatever that is- - "I don't even know what the fuck you just said. That was nothing to me." - All right, all right, damn. Just don't put that in my mouth anymore. - A dollar cone at McDonald's. - You've never had a dollar cone? - You have McDonald's? - Is it because you're rich or because you're British? - "I am both, but I still don't understand what you're saying. I am a wizard, and all of you, and even though you all spent all of your time, your formative years in that terrible outside world, I'm going to need you to try to shake off the bad habits and things that you've learned in order to more effect... Excuse me, what is that?" - Oh, this is... I don't have any bars, too. I meant to ask you about that. It's a- - I have like, one. But I had to turn off wifi. - I have like, no bars. - "Is that a cellular-" - You guys'll probably get charged pretty extremely for international rates 'cause it's not gonna be the same provider. - I have an unlocked data plan, don't you? - I'll have to check on that. - I imagine, with your mobile streaming stuff. - Oh, mobile streaming. - "That is an electronic device, is it not? Please stop. I feel very uncomfortable. I want to hex it. Please stop, I don't want to break it. You'll find at Galpenny, that sort of electronic interference is frowned upon. And I'm pretty sure the last time we did an update, none of that will work there, so get used to not using it." - What? - What? - "Yeah, you won't need it. You're magic now. I don't know how many ways I have to say... I feel like you under-" - I'm not doing anything to make you uncomfortable, so why are you reacting that way? - "I just, I'm waiting for you to blink, young man." - This is my normal face. Okay, I'll break the tension. (laughing) - "No. I do wanna know where this is going. Go ahead." - I was going to say, so, each of us was approached by an owl, the same owl? - I mean- - Different owl? - Mine didn't vomit blood. - If we probably had the same owl, if we both tried to fight it- - Ornery owl. - Same triflin' owl. - "Oh. They're magical owls, they all look the same. They're different owls." - Oh, interesting. - But yeah, I received it. This is the first time I've had confirmation that the world- - "You're special." (slow music) - Yeah, maybe that. Is there a... Is there a... Sorry, (laughs nervously) I don't really think... I guess special is correct in the most technical sense. But I haven't spoken to an adult about the services that the academy offers, we just sort of got this letter. - "Yes, I'm the adult." - Is there a- - Well, I assume that we go and get our stuff and the new go to this magical whimsical academy and then have grand adventures. - Oh. - Yes. - "Oh, are you a divination specialist?" - No, I read "Harry Potter". - Read what? - "Harry Potter". - You gotta know. - Did you not see the movies? - "See the what?" - The movies? I didn't see most of them, I saw three and five, and then I saw the first part of six. - Three is definitely the best one. - It's the... Yeah, it was cool. - "I don't know what you're-" - Wait, no. Okay. - "Movies. What's movie?" - So, let's get a little baseline here. "Lord of the Rings"? - "There's definitely a bunch of rings. That's a magical artifact that exists in our world." - Holy shit. Billie Eilish. - "Eilish. No, we have a Billy Frumpshire. He's right over there." And there's a little gnome walking by. - Okay, just... Oh, excuse me. Are they completely cut off from the actual world? - I was gonna ask if she knew what a McRib was, but if she doesn't understand that then she's not gonna understand anything. - They have McDonald's here. By the way, the cone is incredible. Most of the desserts are actually higher calorie than the meal items on the value menu. - They're so good. - So good. - I feel like you know that for the wrong reasons, but they're so good. But yeah, this place seems weird as hell. - Like how can you not know... There's gotta be... Look- - "Oh, are you done? Thank you." - Yeah, sorry about that. - "My god." - This is all supposed to be secret, right? - "Yes." - So, it seems like a lot of things are pretty dead-on from the "Harry Potter" universe. You don't have anybody controlling that or monitoring any sort of supernatural gotcha force? - "I don't know what (sighs) most of the words you said meant, so I will not respond to them. No. There is no one here by the name of a Harold Potter. I'll go and check with our ministry to see if there's anyone registered under that name. If he's broken any sort of statutes of magical secrecy, but I wouldn't know-" - See, they have that, too! They literally have- - "A what?" - (groans) Okay, well all right. What are next steps, then? - "Well, hold on." And she produces from a tiny pouch four big bags of coins and hands one to each of you. "Here's 20 gold. I was trying to address your concerns about magical currency here, and the school does have a bit of a fund for Namps." - You keep saying that word. - If it's the one that's okay to say, you're whispering it, so do you understand what I'm saying? - "I-" (snickering) - And how bad is the M-word? Can we not say it on the radio, or? - "What's a radio?" - No way. No way. Come on. - "What?" - The radio? You don't know the radio? - "Is that like a musician?" - What I don't understand is, even using pens and paper is a form of technology, so medieval wizards would have been up to date on the most progressed technology of their age, and then at some point made the decision to just become increasingly more anachronistic over time? You are hearkening back to a time that very much was the present in its moment, why not stay in the present as time advances along with magic? - Yeah, like do you have indoor plumbing? Oh my god! - "What? We have magic!" - You can't... I'm- - "We have pumps, like pipes for water, but-" - Where do you poop? - "Oh, you just magic it away. Wherever you want." - Oh, fuck. - Hey, I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I'm not gonna magic away my business, all right? I was excited to be here and to play for you guys, but if I'm gonna have to- - "Play?" - Yeah. I'm assuming y'all have... I wasn't sure if y'all recruited me for basketball or baseball. - (sighs) "I feel like we're gonna keep doing this thing where I don't know what you're talking about. We have our own sports here." - Probably soccer. Football. - Oh, it's probably soccer. Football. Football, that's it. Do you have a sport? - "We do. It'll all be explained to you later. Honestly, I... This is taking up way more time than I expected. I wanted to show you a whole magical world and I have other meetings to deal with." - Oh yeah. - Sorry about this. - "No, you're fine." - Sorry, sorry. - Sorry. - Sorry, yeah. - "Quick, here's a speed run for you all. You are all Americans. You're part of a pilot project of, you know, expanding magical... Hey, you know what? The more you know, the weirder it is. Just know that there's a lot of people out there counting on you to show up, do what it is in your nature to do, and we're all gonna have a lovely term. Yes?" - Okay. - Yeah. - "Good. Well, I... Ring, ring." (ringing) And a little owl appears, like a tiny purple owl appears, like "Oh, look at that," and she grabs a little scroll off of it, like "Pressing business, only a day left until the term starts-" - So, the ringing is a reference to telephones. (laughing) Owls don't ring in the wild. I don't wanna be Mr. Bird Facts all the time, but owls don't ring naturally. - "Well, no. Because a lot of people don't like touching owls 'cause they've always been filthy creatures, a lot of them wear bells around their neck." - Then why do you use them as your primary mode of communication? - "Because they're easy to replicate in transfiguration, a thing you'll learn very, very soon." - Am I getting a vibe that the teacher's about to leave in a second? - "Yup! Trying to." - I'm going to look at the other three and be like, "Well, it seems like the teacher wants to leave-" - "Headmistress. Head of the whole school." - Headmistress, sorry. Could I have just a quick conversation with you in a moment? - "Yeah, sure." - Yeah. - That's totally cool. Will you just ask her what we're supposed to get? I just don't... I mean, I got my ball and I got all of my- - "I can hear you." - Well, what do we need? I got my ball and I got my shirts- - I assume that it's going to be a wand- - "What's a ball?." - Okay. - Yes. - And a cauldron, and a familiar, I'm probably gonna get something really cool like a dragon or a phoenix. - Oh, shit, they got those? - Yeah. - "Wand, familiar, broom, supplies that you need. The school also has them, so books if you're a person that wants to have your own copy." - Which of these items are mandatory for us to acquire? - "Wand, familiar, broom." - I brought my own crystals. - Are we... Okay - Me, too. - "From... Oh, that's just a piece... Mm, no it's fine. Good for you. I'm very proud of you, and I'm sure your rocks are very magical." - Crystals. - They're called crystals. - "Yes. Pardon me. Mr. Kelmp." - Thank you. - She touches your shoulder and kind of regrets it. - Hi. And I think I don't wanna leave these new kids that I immediately have something in common with, but I just go like, "I'm happy to go and acquire those items, but this may end up being a waste of time. I understand that there's sort of a track that we're on right now. I probably won't need a wand or a familiar or a broom or anything like that. - "Mr. Kelmp, why would you believe that?" - Well, this is all... It seems like they're part of sort of a plan that's happening, but I would really love to talk to any medical specialist or anything like that. I've never had an adult that understood that magic was real, and I've suspected it's been real for a long, long time. - "You're home now." - So, I just really need someone to... It would be... I would prefer to be non-magical. - "Oh, god no, no." - So, if there's any- - "No, no one would ever choose that." - I would. - "Well, you're young and American and very stressful. My dear Evan, anyone that's been selected to attend Galpenny would cut off a limb to be able to do so, and I highly recommend that you see this as an opportunity. Magic is not something you want to get rid of." - You don't know what the fuck you're talking about. - "Excuse me?" - You heard what I said. (snorts) Sorry, sorry. I uh, um... Maybe- - And she pulls out a set of glasses and sets off three extra colored lenses and gets really close to your face and goes, (tsking) "Oh. Ooh." - Maybe I could just have a meeting with a school nurse, or something, when we get to the academy. - "You know what? We'll have a consultation when you get there." - Thank you. I really appreciate it. - "Yes. But for now, relax, try to enjoy yourself. This is a magical time in any young mage's life. Try to enjoy it, will you?" - Please don't tell me what to do. - And she says something in a tone that you know you understand but your brain can't translate, and that deep part of you says, "I know exactly who I'm talking to, and your time hasn't come yet." - I'm terrified. Evan just starts sweating. - So, I call it the Superb Owl because it's making fun of the fact that it is, you know, that- (Aabria claps) - "I'm leaving, everyone should acknowledge that. You'll be fine. Head to the school and I'll see you there. Don't forget, wand, broom, familiar, anything else you want. And there's plenty of people here, there's probably other students running around at some point, so you'll be fine. I trust you all implicit," and before she can finish the word it's like when you hang up the phone a little bit too soon, she disappears mid-sentence. - Okay. Well, listen here my Muggles. (Aabria laughs) We've got each other, all right? And this is the team, this is the squad right here, all right? I got your back, I got your back, I got your back, right? Now, does anyone know... The lack of sports and, I don't know, everybody's talking really fast and normally there's a coach to walk me through this. So, I'm just gonna follow you. - I have the perfect blueprint for this. I know everything that there is to know about potential magical item shopping. - Okay. - I am so excited right now. Yes. I think that we should probably hit up our wands first because you know, it's like the manifestation of our magic, it's gonna choose us. - Okay, that sounds good to me. What is manifest... We'll talk later. - Yeah. - So, you all turn down this beautiful alley full of a bunch of amazing stores, and you're able to wander down, weaving between magical folk on their normal errands for a day until you arrive at a massive storefront that kind of reminds you of a big-box store, it just has a very bland font, purple fonted, "Ace of Wands" in front of it. It's clean, symmetrical, neutrally-toned, and you know that this is where you need to be. - This look like a Walmart for wands or something. - Wandmart, yeah. - Oh, Wandmart. Yeah, well. Let's go get it. - I can't wait. I bet mine's gonna have something like a phoenix feather, or you know, I don't know, a unicorn spleen, I guess. - Wow. - Yeah. - That's really cool. - Yeah. I'm probably gonna get something pretty just sturdy and good, you know? Something that won't break. - I think mine's probably made of wood, right? It's probably a wood wand, right? Just wood. - Oh, yeah. If that's a parameter, that's gonna really be able to happen, for sure. - Oh, good! - Yeah, absolutely. - And you all pass through the doors that magically open for you. And you hear a gently tinkling of chimes as you pass within, fully expecting what years of magical books and movies have taught you is the experience of finally finding the thing that chooses you and inducts you into a magical world. And you all close your eyes and embrace whatever's coming next. And as you open your eyes, all four of you are standing back on the outside, facing back into the street, experience immediately forgotten, with a box in your hands. Please look under your chairs. (Erika screaming) - No you didn't. (Erika screaming) No you didn't. What? (gasping) Wow! - Oh my god. - And all of you that were expecting a beautiful curated specialized wand come out with the same wooden stick. (laughing) - It's wood! - This is beautiful. - All right, yeah. Did we all get the same one? - There's supposed to be like, a skull, or something metal! - Yeah, didn't you say something about a spleen? This just looks- - I think this is... Well, it's light. - Yeah. - This is a good dowel. There's definitely worse dowels than this. - Cool. Well. - I'm gonna check the 20 gold coins in my pocket, and how many are left in there? - Oh, just by a feel? Can you hold a bag and know how much money's in it? - Oh, I don't think I can do it by feel, I just wanna check how many... If we have paid for these. - Yes. You are all four gold lighter. - You know what's interesting, is I didn't agree to the costs, and I don't know... Maybe I did agree and they erased my memory? - This was supposed... This chose me? It's so, like, mundie! Ugh! - I think Jammer's gonna just point it at Sam and just flick it and see if anything happens. - Hey! - What are you trying to do? - I think it's truly in his head as just the idea of, does this work? And just flicks it at Sam. - In Jammer's mind's eye, what does he expect to see if it goes off? - I think he expects to see some kind of white... He expects to see something shoot out of it. (laughing) I now realize, when I said it was a white mist. - That'll lower the DC 'cause that's pretty right in the expectations, yeah, that's fair. - Yeah. Something's just gonna shoot out of the end of his wand. - I think I'm gonna call that a Grit roll for no good reason. - Okay. - Difficulty of six. - Six, all right. - Add your Magic die. - Oh, and my Magic die. (chuckles) - That is exactly a six. - And you sort of flick it casually, and just a little (puffs) of like baby powder, just heavily scented baby powder that actually smells like a fresh basketball, so just leather, but new and full of potential, just sort of (puffs) in your direction. - Oh, shit. They work! - Oh. - Were you attempting to do something? Or you just sort of flicked it. - I just flicked it, and I was like- (yelling) Oh. I was trying to see if it worked, and then it just, yeah. Sorry about that. I didn't know what was gonna happen. - Cool. That's super cool. I think Evan takes a belt off of his khakis that now are trying to fall down, and ties it around, puts the wand back in the box, ties the box, goes, "This is so cool. We're all having a good time." - Well, try yours out. - Nope, that's fine. Hey, so we should get brooms or familiars next. I wonder if they have McDonald's in Vertic Alley. - Yeah. I mean, if we pass one I'm definitely gonna get a cone. - Definitely. - I gotta wash that weird gamey sweetness out of my mouth. - Oh no! Do we only have American money here? Or would a McDonald's- - I mean, I'm assuming. I guess they take big gold coins. - Yeah. We should ask if they have a McDonald's 'cause that would be cool. - I wanna try whimsical British wizard sweets or something. I'm not gonna have McDonald's while I'm here. You're the kinda guy that when you travel you just go to all the McDonald's. - I've never traveled in my life, so I've never been outside of Iowa. - You're so sad. (laughing) - Oh my god. - Evan has the most heartbroken look of all time. He doesn't know the Tumblr significance of that. He just knows the word for the emotion and goes, "I'm having the best time I've ever had in my life. I'm not sad right now." - Are you gonna cry? - Yeah, please stop making fun of me. - Oh my god. - Why's she acting like that? - What's happening? - Why's she acting like it's cool that he's sad? We all know he's sad but we're not gonna say nothing about it. - You do? Oh, shit. - We don't say it out loud. She's saying the quiet part loud. - I'm literally... This is my best day. - And you know, and no one can take this away from you. - Exactly. So, let's keep it rolling. - I'm sorry I cried. - Let's get a broom, that sounds cool. - Let's get a broom. - Yeah, let's get a broom. - Jammer, as you are gesticulating with your wand, you notice as you reassert your grip that that generic wooden dowel, you look down and the material of it around the base has changed, slightly darker wood. Bamboo. - Oh, shit. Wait, it's not as... It got... It's different. I think it's magic. - I try to do something. Mm. - Yeah, girl, whatcha trying to do? - I'm trying to get it to change to something cool, with like a snake. (laughing) - Oh, you're trying to make the wand be magic to itself, which is a... - Ha-ha! - Yeah, we're gonna call it a Fight 'cause that's an internal conflict. Give me a Fight roll, difficulty of 10 'cause that's a weird sell. Don't forget your Magic die. - Oh. Five. - With a five, the wand remains inert. (Erika groaning) - Jammer has a cool moment of spinning around, being like, hey, I guess this shit ain't that hard. And if anybody needs help with their whole magic thing, I'm 100%... If you, you know. - My latent abilities as a witch are probably just late in blooming because the flower that blooms in adversity is often the most complex and dark of them all. - That's a butchering of the quote from "Mulan", I think, right? - I made it better. - Oh, okay. - I take my wand and pull out lint or something that's in my pocket, and I go, "Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo, and shit." And I hit it to try to see if I can do transmodification. - You're trying to... What are you trying to do? Turn the lint into? - I'm trying to turn the lint into a delicious McDonald's sundae. (laughing) We are not sponsored. - We are not sponsored. - Gosh darnit. 'Cause the worst part is, that is a charm spell. - Oh! - Yeah, it is. - Because you're turning a non-edible substance into food, I'm gonna say the difficulty's a 15. - Okay. Come on, babe. - Don't forget your Magic die. - Oh. (laughs) ♪ Don't forget your Magic die ♪ - Come on, babe. ♪ Don't forget your Magic die ♪ ♪ Don't forget your Magic die ♪ - Do you take half on this one? And then still make it? - Well, 15- - No, 'cause it's- - with the bottom six, no. - There's a single thing. - Eight. No. - Oh no. - Oh no, 12, 13, 15, I got it. (Brennan gasps) (laughing) - I honestly... Yeah, hell yeah. - Oh my god, you guys are so good at magic. That was incredible. Did you know you could do that? - No! It's this thingy, it's all this. You guys, you know, thank you so much for being so sweet. Don't forget to like and subscribe, but it's really just this that does all of the magic. It's not little old me. - Like a subscribe to what? - Her channel. It's dope, you should check it out. - I don't have a screen on my phone. (laughing) - Aww. - I only have like, three numbers saved in there. - Aww. - It's 911, poison control, and animal control. - Aww! - What's happening? - Well, you know, I don't know, maybe it's just a Black thing, I don't know. Maybe it's just a Black thing that we're good at magic. I don't know. - That makes sense to me. Yeah, I'm from Iowa and it's bad there. (laughing) - Sam, by the way, as you're holding a McDonald's sundae, that's rapidly melting in the heat of your hand, so it went from cute and it's just... The half life on this is just not excellent. The wand in your hand, you look over, and the entire shaft of it is a little bit of a pinker wood. - It changed, you see that? - Yo. - Yo! - You gotta cast a spell and then it becomes a cool wand. - Oh, that's so cool. If that's melting, do you want me to get rid of that? - Yeah, let's see. You gonna magic it or are you just gonna grab it with your hand? - I was gonna eat it. I was walking on a highway earlier today. - That was lint like, a minute ago. - That is... Oh, it's already gone. - What'd it taste like? Did it taste real? Did it taste like the real thing? - It tastes incredible. It tastes like a true sundae, it's amazing. There's the sauce on it and everything, that's incredible. - I could make... I could do that before with hands. But now I can do it with this! - Hell yeah. - Hell yeah. - And as you guys are kind of just doing magic in a weird little circle at the- - Okay, all right, well that was a bit of a strike-out, but you know, it's fine. - You see a group of other students that are kind of looking over at you, three of them. - Sup? - Magical peers. - Should we go say hi? I don't know. - Yeah. - Go meet. Yeah, go meet. - Go mingle. - Hey, what's up? We're... We're the foreign exchange students from the pilot program. - "Oh, that. (chuckles) Well, that makes... I get it." And this is the one female in the trio that's speaking. She goes, "My name is Tallulah. It's nice to meet you. And we could tell that you were all Americans from, oh, just miles away. You all use miles." - You say that very condescendingly. - You think you're better than me? - That's fair, though. America is in a pretty bad spot right now. - "No, it's not that you're Americans, it's that you all are doing your first year of magical training, but you're all six, seven years older than the first year students, so that's weird for you. I don't think I'm better than you. I'm here, we're here... Sorry, let me introduce. Once again, Tallulah, this is Digsby and this is Fergus." And they all kind of give you a little look. "I'm sure you don't know anything about the houses or anything. We're all- (Erika gasps) What?" - Oh, it's just we get sorted into houses that are befitting our strengths, I assume. - Oh. - "Oh. Looks like you've done some reading before. I like you. Good. Well, is there's anything the three of us could help you with as you're sort of running around making a ruckus about doing very small spells in the middle of a magical street?" (laughs stiffly) - Again, condescending. You know we're new here, you know? - "It's just how I sound." (laughs stiffly) - Well, we were wondering if there's a McDonald's here. That was the first question I think we had as a group. - "And Tallulah looks over to her right at the one she introduced as Fergus, who's this taller ginger dude with a tan, freckly, kind of yoked up, of a height with you. He's been giving you the athlete to athlete eye like-" - Sup? - "Yeah. Yeah, sorry." And pays attention to Tallulah, she also looks confused, he shrugs, and Digsby steps forward and goes, "No, no, no, I'll handle it. I used to be non-magical person myself. Digsby again." And he kind of walks forward, and he's pale, dark hair, pale green-gray eyes, and tosses his hair like, "I remember McDonald's in the before time. No, we don't have those here, but don't worry, British food is much better than any fast food. Highly recommend you check out the Knave's Navel if you want to grab a bite to eat. It's just around the corner there." - Maybe they got some of those sweets you're looking for. - I'm so excited to be learning abroad. - It is pretty cool to be in a different country. I also, I've never been outside of... Well, I've been around for tournaments and stuff, but I've never been out of the Midwest, so- - "Oh, I'm gonna need us to be focused on this thing that's happening. This is not-" - You're from the Midwest? Where are you from? - Oh, Chicago. - Oh, that's awesome. I'm from Iowa, but- - Yeah, I've competed... I've done tournaments down there and stuff. - Oh, that's great. You ever been near Millersburg? - No. - Okay. (laughing) - Is that cool? I don't- - No, I- - I've just mostly done the tournaments in Des Moines and stuff. - Oh, Des Moines is great. I lived in Des Moines very briefly. I've sort of bounced around in different spots in Iowa for a while, (Aabria clears throat) but there's a lot of- - "I'm sorry. It's not that we're on a schedule or anything, but we're kind of a big deal. And we just... If there's anything we could do for you in this sort of immediate... It's a student outreach thing. Just don't ignore us is all I'm saying. Thank you." - I have so many questions. I'm sure that all of us have very many questions. Do we have you sort of a, you know, like an RA basis once we get to the school and everything? Also, which is the really ambitious, dark house, and everything? 'Cause that's probably the one that I'm gonna get sorted into. You have some sort of sorting, I don't know, hat, maybe? - (laughing) "A hat? That's ridiculous, you would put on a hat and it would tell you." - Well, how do you do it? - "You'll see. It's supposed to be a surprise." "You step on the little-" "Don't tell. It's lovely. And you know what? If you end up being in Hersnell, then yes, I'll be happy to take you under my wing." - Interesting. - We gotta get a familiar and a broom. Is there a place that does that on the cheap? - "Oh, yeah. Yeah, follow me. And you're also gonna need some robes 'cause those are interesting outfits. Your shoes are so bright. Why are they those colors?" - Well yeah, these are the Irvings. - "Irving? What's an Irving?" - Kyrie Irving. The basketball player? I mean, at this point why do I even think you know what I'm talking about? - And Digsby's like, "I get what basketball is." - Yeah, okay, thank you. Yeah, well no, these are just his sneakers. These are the Electro-Lights. - "Sneakers?" - They're really sick. - "Sick Electro-Lights?" - Yeah, I'm not gonna wear... What kinda shoes are they wearing? - Electrolytes are a scientific principle. I mean, okay. - Well, it's kind of a play on that 'cause it's like, Electro, hyphen, Light. You know. - Oh! - Yeah. - So it was me that was ignorant about this facet of culture. - Nobody needs to know what's going on with sneakers. That's chill. - Fergus is just kinda eyeing you. - Hi. - "Hey." - Fergus? - "Mm." - Sam, very nice to meet you. - "Hey. Do you all shake hands? Is that a thing?" - Yeah, we shake... We do shake hands. - "Yeah, okay. It's nice to meet you. I hope you get sorted into Hersnell. - It's the what? - "What? Hersnell. It's one of the houses." - Hersnell. - "Hope to see you there." - Thank you. Hope to see you, too. - "And our shoes are just boots, I don't know." - Yeah, I'm not gonna wear that. - And they kinda lift up their robes. They're all wearing red robes. - Thank you very much for your time and help. Robes are not one of the three items that we're mandated to get, and I only have 20 gold pieces to spend in a currency here, so I won't be getting- - "Hold on, what time is it? Is anyone?" And they all start looking up directly at the sun. - We're in Greenwich- - I pull out my phone. - We're in Greenwich Mean Time. I take... If Greenwich Mean Time, I believe that's seven hours ahead of Central, so that would be... It's about 11:00 a.m. here, something like that? - Oh, well if it's 11, then your money's gonna go way farther. You have plenty of money to get some clothes, too. - Things get more expensive as the day goes on? - "Well yeah, you know, money." - You have a watch? - "It's how money works." - Yeah, my phone doesn't have a screen. (laughing) - It's good every time. - I don't... Okay. Great. Well, let's get spending while the money is worth more, 'cause I guess that's how things work here. - Okay, let's go do brooms and then familiars? - Cool. - Yeah. - Yeah. - By the way, I'm Dream. I'm certain that I will see you at our house. - "Oh, our house. Bold, I like it." Hmm. We'll see. We'll see. - Wow. Those kids were so cruel for no reason. - It's so weird. I guess this sort of imagined hierarchy of the American television has made its way here to Magical Academy. - Yeah, we just got mean girl'd. We got mean girl'd. - I guess. But my self-esteem isn't really tied up in my knowledge of this strange new place that we just found out existed, so I'm good. - Yeah. I could dunk on all of them, so I'm not really fazed. - That was, yeah. I'm sorry I didn't say anything back there about it, I was just trying to breathe and not get mad. - There's a lot going on. It's okay, we're all gonna take this step by step and figure things out. - Exactly. - Yeah. Go, go team. - My man. - Go team. - And the trio stops in front of a store called The Streaking Straw, Brooms for Every Occasion, and they all turn, post up and lean against it like, "Go ahead, walk in. Show us what you get when you come out, I'm curious. Go on, go on. This isn't the fun part, so just go buy a broom, or whatever, and then come back. Show us what you got." - Okay. - "Not every store is like magic, mystical, sometimes it's just where you buy a broom." - A broom that flies though, right? - "Yeah, but everything does weird stuff here 'cause you're a wizard. You're not Namps anymore, you have to get over that." - We- - I'm really not liking that word. - Yeah, it really feels weird. - It's just weird. - [Lou] It feels weird. - Yeah, there's a weird governmental feel to it where it's not organic and it's already- - Like an acronym. - It's already not doing the job they invented it to do. - Well, let's hit it. - Okay. I'm gonna walk into the broom store. And I think I'm gonna lean over to Jammer, actually, and be like, "Jammer, those guys are following us after we kind of ended the interaction with them, right?" - Yeah, I can't tell what their vibe is. They keep saying nice stuff, and then they'll say a mean thing and then they'll follow it up with a nice thing. I feel like it is, it's kind of like JV talking to varsity kids. It has that vibe. - It's like negging. - Yeah. - They're negging us. - I'm just getting very hot in the head and I feel like I'm getting... It's making me upset, you know? - Hey man, well you know, game face. If somebody tries to talk you down, tries to sun you, you don't see that. You don't see that, right? It's just here. That's it, right. - I appreciate your approach to these things, but if I may, I would say that you should allow those feelings to happen. You take them and you examine them like they're a precious piece of glass, and you internalize what it means to you. Consider that glass and put it down. - Yeah, and then you just smile through it. Just smile through whatever they're saying. Someone says something ignorant, big smile. Try it. - These feel like three mutually exclusive pieces of advice, all of which are outside of my wheelhouse. - Great. Great. Well, let's get brooms. I'm sorry. - No, I'm going to go and I'm gonna say, "Choose the broom that's right for me. Accio, I guess. I just wanna see." I'm gonna see if I can magically divine which one is right for me. - Okay, if this is a spell, go ahead and let's make this a Charm roll. Difficulty of 10. Don't forget your Magic die. - 12. - Perfect. And you sort of stand there and you wave your wand, and you get a faint scent of roses under your nose and a slight trill that sounds like your own voice going on a melodic run. And a tiny spark of pink light erupts from the end of your wand and begins to travel down one of the aisles. - I'm doing it, I'm doing it, I'm doing it. - That's so cool. - That's dope. - This is a lot less aggressive than I thought it would be, but it's happening! - Yeah, it looks like, pink and stuff. - Yeah. It's probably, you know, just warming up. - Oh, warming. - Yeah. Okay, what's it doing? - Yeah, it just goes down the third aisle in a fairly generic, dusty, dark, old store that's covered with racks and racks of brooms. - Yes, yes, this is right. - And it leads you towards one. Which broom does it stop at? You're the one with notes. - Ah, yes. It's a Blocker's Broom. - And it alights on the broom, and the whole thing flashes pink and glittery and sparkles down. And a man peeks around the aisle, his hair is super poofy, and kind of that sort of dusty brown going to gray, and he's got big mutton chops that travel around into a mustache. He goes, "You could've just walked down the aisle. You don't need to do a magic about it." - You know, this is still a novelty for me, all right? So please indulge. - "Well, don't point your wand at people like that. Just go up. Put it down." - Is there wand discipline? - "Holster it. Yeah!" - Oh. - "Do you see any... Accents, American. (snaps) Oh, you're them! Got it, got it. Okay. Well, when you're with wizards." - Okay, we're non-magical, not, you know? I'm trying to think of a polite way to say it. We're non-magical, not stupid, okay? - "Eh. Sure. You don't see any other wizards walking around waggling wands in people's faces. That's pretty rude no matter where you're from, am I right?" - Actually, the first adult we met here cast a spell on one of us within the first three minutes. - "Did you deserve it?" - Well, I was just saying the M-word a lot. - "Why would you do that? What's wrong with you?" - 'Cause it felt like it was okay for us to say it as the- - "Why? You're a wizard. Are you holding a wand? Do you do magic?" - Well, now I do. At the time I did not. - "Ever since you got here, you're-" - A wizard. - "And so you don't get to say that word anymore." - And now- - But they don't know to say it because they're not magical and they have no awareness of this place's existence. - "Well, okay, let me just be super clear that this sort of movement to be a little less terrible about people that aren't like us is relatively recent, it's new. So, we're all kind of getting the mouthfeel for it, as it were, so please do your part to erase terrible language." - Are we part of a social justice movement? - Oh my god, we totally are. - "You're a bunch of Americans going to a British school for magic, and none of you were magic before, correct?" - Well, we- - No, none of us were. - I mean, on the field. - Clearly had it latent in us like we were special and chosen. - My manager says I have "It," whatever that means. - "It. Okay. Well, none of that sounded like... You're part of a movement. Everyone's watching you, so try to not fuck it up. Yeah?" - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Okay, I'd like to say that it's kind of unfair to take some people from a certain group and then hold them up as examples of all the entirety of who they are representing, and considering that's non-magical people, that's a lot of people in the world. Probably close to- - "There's probably hundreds of you out there." - No, it's- - Sorry, do you not know the population of the world? We're well on our way to 8 billion people. - "No." - How many- - You can literally look it up. - "No." - I mean, they don't know what a radio is, so you know. - That's a great point. Where would they look it up? - "Buy your brooms!" - Okay. - Okay. (laughing) - Where's the fast one? - "This way. Oh, do you play scuppers?" - Is that what it's... Scuppers? Is that the sport? Oh, man, that don't sound cool at all. Saying I'm a scuppers player does not sound like it's gonna be cool. - I'm so sorry, that's really rough. - That doesn't sound cool, that sounds wizardy. (laughing) I got recruited to play scuppers? Dammit, yeah, I play scuppers. - "All right, I've got you. Come with me." - Okay. - He takes you down to a faster, sleeker, technical aisle. - Great. - And after a couple minutes, 'cause I don't wanna stay in this broom place any longer, you come out with your goddamn brooms. - Why- - I just wanna say that I went to the corner of the shop and was like, "Oh my god, this one looks super affordable," and got a janitorial push broom that is for the shop. - Yes. They didn't have the heart to charge you for it, and they were just like, "Just, go." - This was great, this one was only three copper pieces. They broke one of my gold coins down and now I have a bunch of silver and a bunch of copper left. - You actually saw what they did. You handed a gold coin and they put it on the table and kind of crushed it with their thumb, and it shattered into a big pile of 18 silver and 19 little copper pieces. - See, all money should be modular, and also tied to something that actually is substantial and not- - This is great. I'm gonna have money leftover. I could get clothes, blanket, get food, get all kinds of stuff. So, hopefully there's a familiar deal kind of in line with this one 'cause this one's gonna be great. And also, it has a nice wide seat. And he's looking at the bar and he's like, "So, that's helpful." - Aside to Sam. Sam, he's so tragic. - Keep it together. Keep it together. You're gonna slide all over the store. (laughing) - They don't sell mops here. - Oh. - Okay, I mean, there surely must've been some mistake in the... Mine is bright pink and sparkly, and well, there's nothing wrong with very femme colors, it's like... Clearly mine was supposed to be something awesome and twisted. - And dark and bloody, and stuff? - Yeah! - Next time. Maybe you can get that figured out for you. - Okay. - Yeah. - Yeah, there's gotta be some mistake. Has my wand changed at all? - Yeah. Actually, (laughs) the tip where that pink erupted stayed glittery and pink, and hasn't gone back. - Okay, all right. All right, okay. I can integrate this into my world view and still be fine. All right. - Cool. - Yeah. - It's just not... I mean, it's definitely cool, it's just not as twisted as I think I thought. But I don't know, maybe, we don't know, maybe it'll change again. - Maybe it depends on the kind of spell that you do. - Oh, there it is, yeah. - Maybe pink is really metal and goth here, we don't know. - "It's not." (laughing) Just walks by. - Sam, what kind of broom did you get? - So, I got the Suave Sweeper, which is a great name. So, it's a dark broom with the bristles kind of fanned out. Like yeah, suave, you know? - That's great. I think that looks awesome. - Thank you. I'm really excited for it. I hope I don't fall and die. - You'll be fine. - Yeah, that does feel like, I wonder what kind of enchantments the brooms have on them to ensure that you don't fall off. - Fall, get hurt and stuff, yeah. - Do we have to take some sort of driving test for these? 'Cause it's like a mode of transportation, right, that's off the ground, it's all dimensions, right? So, you have to take a driving test for a car and that's only just on one plane. - I know in the States, I think in Alaska, you can use a driver's license for recreational aircraft, like Ultra Lites and stuff like that, but again, I don't know what the laws would be. - Yo, Tallulah. Do we have to- - "Yeah?" - Test or something before we can use these? Or could we just go to town right off the bat? - "That's actually a really good question, because normally in your third year you go through all your flight training, but you're all penultimate, you're sixth years, so no, I think you're just good to go. Try not to fall off." - Oh, so it is... You can fall off. - "You just gotta hold it." - So, you can fall off and die, oh. - Okay. So, I won't be flying, but that's great. - [Lou] Cool. - Following the first little bit of your adventure, I want everyone to take an Adversity token as just a little gift for doing the shopping episode. Up top. - There it is. - Just committing to it. It's my favorite. So, you have two of your three required objects. - Familiars. - This is it. Our lifelong animal companion, tied to us in spirit, a manifestation of who we are, something that we will not call spirit animals. And something that is, even Patronuses are kind of on the outs, so yeah, yeah. - Yeah, for sure. - That's nice. - Do you know, Dream, if we have to provide care for these animals, or they're gonna have food at the- - Oh, well, I assume they're just sort of like normal animals, right? Just that you do have to take care of them. - I mean, between practice and everything I'm not sure I'ma have time to feed a thing. - Yeah, I worry about... I worry about being- - Is it because anything that you nurture and care for is gonna- (laughing) - Why are you smiling so big when you ask that question? - I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Is it that anything that you nurture and care for dies a horrible death? - What kind of answer are you looking for in this moment? - One in the affirmative. - Let's go to the pet shop because I- - Let's go to the pet shop. - Okay. Yeah. - Evan, go ahead and give me a Brains roll, difficulty of five to navigate the alley to just get out of this conversation and into the pet shop. - I lean over to Dream. That's like a yes, right? That's like, 100% a yes. - I mean, there's gotta be tons of childhood pets that have, that under his care and stuff- - Nine. - And it's like, I'm sure he doesn't mean it. I'm sure he just loves them and cares for them and it's just the tragedy of his existence. - Guys, you're not whispering nearly as soft as you think you are. - Sorry. - They don't all die! (laughing) Sometimes they do stuff, or they tell me to do stuff. Sometimes they don't turn out to be animals. One time a pig's head in the butcher shop told me that God and the devil killed each other. (laughing) So you know, I don't know if that's an animal or not. I don't know if that's an animal or not, and it's been happening for a long time! - Tallulah is across the alley and just staring at you. "Do it." - I don't know you, so why are you conspiring with me? - "I'm trying... You are causing a scene." - This is more social interaction than I've had in years. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I raised my voice. - Hey man, it's all right. We're starting- - I need a Charm roll from you, difficulty of, oh... No, I'm gonna be mean. 15. - That's high. - Let's see if I hit that on a D4. - Yeah! You could! - Come on. - Explode. - [Danielle And Lou] Explode. - [Lou] Explode. - Don't. - Four! - Oh! (cheering) Okay, okay, okay, okay. - (blows) Come on, little buddy. - We'll see, we'll see. - Come on, come on, come on. - We'll see. - Three. Seven. - Ah. - Can I give him Adversity tokens? - Do you have eight of them? - How many does he need? - I would need eight, but from you I would need four. - Yes, and I have four. - You sons of... Are you doing this? - Yeah, I'm giving him four Adversity tokens. - So, you have to explain to me how you help him in this moment so I will give you a little bit of clarity on what's going on. - Okay, exactly. - Because you are yelling, and everyone is looking at you, and you know what, Jammer? You notice that there are certain people that are looking with that sense of shocked British propriety 'cause your mom likes watching "Downton Abbey", and they're like, "Oh, my god, this is some "Downstairs" bullshit and I don't care for it." And there are others looking, and they seem to be locked in on Evan's frequency and they are staring at him, unblinking. - I think I definitely sense that... I think just the pig's head story alone let's me know that Evan's got some intensity to him. And I think even if Jammer doesn't understand what Evan might be causing with his abilities, I think Jammer just sees someone in distress and kinda goes into the mode of, you know when a fight's about to happen on the basketball court? - Yep. Sorry. - And it's like, we cannot... We are not getting you thrown out of the game this early. We've got a lot more, this is the first quarter, so I just, I think, full-on put my body between Evan and Tallulah and put my hands on either side of them and just like, "Hey, man, come on. Come on, we got familiars to get. We got familiars to get, all right? Come on, come on. (Brennan breathing heavily) Let's go get these familiars, all right? Let's go get these... We're gonna go get those familiars. We'll catch up with you guys later, all right? Hey, let's go get 'em, let's go get 'em, let's go get 'em, come on, come on, come on." - Thanks, man, thanks, man, thanks, man. - And because you guys are of a height, as you sweep up and catch him, people's attention falls away from Evan and you see that they kind of stay and linger in that moment for just a little bit too long, staring in his direction before calming down and resuming whatever they were doing. - I think Jammer notices that but keeps it to himself, just 'cause it just seems too... I think it's too much for him to put together on top of this that Evan has the ability maybe to take people. (laughing) - Can I make a roll to see if I notice this? - Oh, yes, please. - Yeah, come on. - You tell me what that roll is. What statistic are you rolling with? - I wanna say, maybe Flight, 'cause my hackles are up. - Yeah. - I'm ready. - You're super cagey and you're trying to be like, oh, head on a swivel, what's happening here? Absolutely. Let's go Flight, difficulty of eight. - Okay. And is that just straight roll? - Yeah. Are you doing magic about it right now? - No, no, no. - Okay, then yeah. - 10. - Beautiful. - 11. 11 total. - Nice. So yeah, you were able to... You were also glued to Evan's outburst in a weird way, and as you look around at what's going on, you notice the eyes that are stuck in his direction for just a little bit too long, and you can hear the murmurs in the crowd that whisper about a Dark One. They get distracted and they're like, "Oh, those are weird shoes, they're very bright. Other boy has very bright shoes on. I like these boots. They curl at the toe and hurt my feet." - Oh my god, oh my god. - Hey, you good? (laughing) - Thank you so much, man. - 'Course, dude. - Really, I'm really embarrassed. I blew my stack and I'm really sorry. That was awesome. I really appreciate you jumping in. - Hey, man, happens on the court all the time. Dudes going body to body, people get up here, they lose that focus, all right? Hey, man, what's up? I run the offense, all right? We're gonna get there. We're gonna win the game, right? You're my Muggle, all right? You my Muggle, you my Muggle. We're my Muggles. - There's three people walking by, they're like, "You can't say that." - I'm a Muggle, I can say that. - "No!" - That's right, I'm not a Muggle anymore. - A woman faints. - Oh god. - She just faints. - I'm sorry! - She's on the ground. - All right, I'm gonna say it less. - Well, we can, yeah. I don't know if it's 'cause they're British or because it really is truly on the level of a bad slur here. - Yeah, well. Yeah, not in mixed company, I guess. - Jammer, take an Adversity token for me. And I need you. Where's your wand right now? - In your hand? - It was in my hand, yeah. It's still in my hand. - Make a Charm roll, difficulty of six for me. - Difficulty of six? Well, I'm just gonna have it. - Okay, you can just do that. You say that so disrespectfully. (cheering) (laughing) - What's up? - I'm sorry? - I did. I did, I laid that down. - I liked it a little bit, though. So, that's a thing for me to think about later. - Sub bottom culture. I get it. - Yeah. - Yeah, it's a little mean. It's a little mean. - Anyway. (laughing) You see, for just an instant while you're holding your wand, you feel a sort of surge of energy in it, and you can almost believe out of the corner of your eye you see a tether form between Evan and Jammer, and as quickly as you think you can see it, you try to turn you gaze directly on it, you can't perceive it anymore. - That was weird. - Hmm? - What? - I just saw this thing where it was like the two of you had like a thing between you, and it was pretty great, it looked like it was beautiful, what you had. - An intimate moment between two men. (Aabria laughs) - It was more like a string. But that's intimate. That's an intimate moment, just kind of a nice little- - I feel like in this moment, Evan is... I feel like I'm... Evan is enough of a weirdo outcast that I... But I know enough about masculinity to know that you are never supposed to address moments like this out loud. (laughing) So, I'm just going to look at you, be very upset that the two girls in the group have verbalized that something special happened, and just look at Jammer and be like, "Familiars." - Yeah. - Familiars. - We'll get 'em. - Let's get 'em. - Yeah. - Let's get it. - And you were already walking in that direction 'cause you kind of sussed out the layout, and you quickly arrive at a little, it's a shop, but it looks like it continues to be outdoors once you pass into the facade, and there's a little sign hanging off of it called "Merlin's Minions." And it looks like a petting zoo, for all intents and purposes. - Have you guys noticed that all of the stores are alliterated? Do you think this is a magical thing? To be honest, I have never been to the UK, and perhaps this is just standard. - I mean, I'm not sure. I don't know a lot. Are there British things that are two, you know- - Also, The Knave's Navel would only be phonetically alliterative, 'cause knave begins with a K, unless it's the- - Homophone. - Yeah, unless it's nave like the nave of a church. - Ooh. - Should I change my streaming name to something alliterative? Is that what we're doing? - I mean, it might hit harder here. It seems like that's kind of a- - Oh. - Just general whimsy feels to be hittin' here. - Love whimsy. - Yeah. - Yeah, that... I bet they don't have smartphones and stuff here 'cause they seem to be very anti-technology in that way, but that owl did ring like a phone, so maybe they have some- - Equivalent, maybe there's a walrus that you can stream from. - Yeah, a walrus opens its mouth and it shoots a bunch of light out, and it's like, "What's up, fam? I'm inside this walrus." - I need to find an attendant as soon as possible. - There is one standing at the front just staring at you, waiting. - Let me get a stream walrus! (laughing) Dream said they got 'em. Dream said y'all got a stream walrus. - "Okay-" - Or some other large- - "Hold on. We might have one. One second." And she walks into the back, disappears, comes back two minutes later. "We don't have any walruses today." - Damn. - You got a pig? Like a stream pig? - "Okay, let me just explain. You all are... By the way, I'm doing my best American accent. Can you even tell that I'm not American?" - It sounds vaguely- - "It's so good, right?" - Yeah, you're doing great. - "Thank you. - This is an accurate and cruel impression, yes. - "Hurtful. Hi, I'm Freya, by the way. You guys are the exchange... Can I say that? Can I say that out loud? You're exchange students?" - Exchange students? - "Yeah." - Can you say it out loud? - "I don't know-" - Yeah, for sure. - "Is that weird for you? You're all-" - Students on exchange, yes. - "Yeah, but you're new to magic, everyone knows that you're new to magic." - Does everyone... Were we in the news? - "Mm-hmm." - Oh. - "It's like a whole thing." - Do you have a link to that? I'm sorry, like a newspaper clipping of that, or something? - "Oh, yeah, around here somewhere. Yeah, I'll grab you one when you get to the back." - Okay. - Okay, so how do familiars work? - "Yeah, so you're gonna walk through the area, and essentially, the animal that's drawn to you will kind of just find you, choose you. It might not be an animal. The familiar, whatever it may be, it'll probably be an animal, will just sort of meet you on your level, follow you out, and we'll just charge you for whatever follows you. Does that?" - Okay. - "Does that make sense?" - Amazing. Yes. - All right. Well, is there just like- - "Yeah, you guys can all go the same time," and she kinda opens up the pen and you just get hit with this burst of hay and animal dook. And it's not a super pleasant experience. And she actually offers you all pieces of gum. "The smell, it's kind of-" - Yeah, I'll take this. - Oh, free gum. Thank you. - "Free? What?" - No, thank you. - Am I not supposed to say free? - I don't want- - If you say free it implies... Yeah, I understand. - And if you put the gum in your mouth, it just tastes like normal bubblegum, but it kind of kicks off a really strong smell that you're trapped in a pleasant-smelling cloud. - No, thank you. I wanna go into this cold. - "It's actually kinda warm in there, from the animals." - Oh, no, I mean, it's a, you know, just like- - "Have a great day." - Yeah, cool. - Right. Well. I think Jammer just starts walking up to different animals and standing in front of them for a second. - There's a bunch of really cute dogs, and cats, and piles of toads. And they all kind of wag their tails and acknowledge you if you make eye contact, but none of them are coming over. - Is that a stream pig? That's a stream pig. - And the moment you say "Stream pig," there's this giant sloppy hog that looks up at you, and then up and over it bounding in a parkour is just this tiny baby pink piglet. - That is going to do numbers on the 'Gram. - It screams at you, like (screaming) and just sprints, it power slides under the gate and stands on your shoe. You can barely feel the weight of it. This thing is tiny. - Holy shit, Sam. - Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. - What are you gonna name it? - You know what? I'm gonna name it after my favorite movie. Nice to meet you, Terminator 2. (laughing) (squealing) - [Aabria] And it just kind of nuzzles into you. (laughing) - Are you gonna say that every time? Terminator 2? - Yeah, that's- - Or maybe T2. - Oh, T2. - T2 for short. - Yeah. - Oh, who's my Terminator? Who'll be back? You'll be back, yes you will. - And it keeps look back at its back every time you say that. - Wow, that is so perfect for you. - Sam, that pig is adorable. - I know! I gotta get my... Somebody take some pictures. - All right. Do angles. Portrait mode, portrait mode. - You're posing before any of us got our phones out. - I'm practicing! - Give us a second. - Okay, hang on. - I look at Jammer and go, "My phone doesn't have a camera." - We know, we know, there's no screen. Yep, mm-hmm. - Angles, angles, hit your angles. - Angle, elbow. - Oh my god, yes. - Y'all were fully charged when you got here. You're at like, 12% now. (group groaning) - That's still picture taking- - It's enough to get the photos. We'll post them later. - Yeah. - I need you... I'm gonna call this a Flight roll. - Okay, we can do a Flight roll. - I'm gonna make the difficulty a 10 for you. - We can make this. Yeah, let's do it, let's do it. - Just something spicy. - That's a two! We're not gonna Adverse... Oh, that's a two plus two, equals four. So, that's a failUre. - You need a 10? - I need a 10. Don't give me... You don't have to give me six. Six? - Well, can I... Instead of giving him- - Aabria just gave me a little- - Adversity tokens, Dream is like, "I got this, I'm fairly sure I have a handle on this now," and magics to find one. It's like, (sighs) come to me. Yeah. - Okay. - What are you... Casting a spell? Are you helping? - Yeah. Casting a spell to help, yes. - Okay, hold on. 'Cause what happened in that moment was just sort of a snap reaction to a thing that was happening. So, as you go to pull out your phone and you clock that the battery's gone, your basketball slips out of your duffel bag. (ball bouncing) Just sort of rolls away and hits the end of one of the little pens. - I think I wait a second to see if any of the animals are attracted to the basketball, knowing that if one of them was, that would be my animal. Nobody's gonna do it, all right. - And you wait a couple seconds to see, and all the animals kinda look at it and look at you, and then the basketball slowly begins to roll back to you. - I think I immediately kick it away. (laughing) - Fight roll, difficulty of five. - Okay, great. Fight my basketball real quick. That is a four. So, I think I lose to my basketball. Yeah, I lose to my... I could never beat my basketball. I could never- - You go to kick it, and your basketball jukes out of the way, almost breaking your own ankles. - Oh! (squeaks) - I, from the ground, "Respect. Respect." (laughing) - And your basketball, while you're on the ground, kind of rolls back over to you and nudges you in the leg. - I pick it up. I think... I roll it away again to see if it comes back. - It rolls, hits a pen, gets just enough to start dribbling, and it dribbles back over to you. Does a little figure 8 around your legs. - Oh, hell yes. I immediately spin. - Yeah! - I got my familiar. - That's so cool! - That's so perfect for you. - This is cool. I honestly was really nervous about getting an animal because I'm also pretty bad with pets, mostly 'cause none of our pets were real pets, we would just adopt cats that were living around. It was just- - They kind of live outside. - Exactly. - They're outdoor cats. - And you would try to pet them and they'd scratch you, and you'd be like, well yeah, we didn't do this right. But this, this I know. - I love it. Dude, all the wizards who've been here have been super mean and snooty and stuff, and this is like, eff them, man. It's like, you didn't want an animal anyway. This is perfect. I love it. I love that it's gonna T-O all these jerk wizards, you know? - I need you to make... Oh god, what do I want this to be? Grit roll. Difficulty of 10? - Oh, that's it, I make it. I make it by 12. - Oh, yeah. - Make it by two. - Go off. - You're good. And as you're watching all of this happen, you notice you look, and on your shoulder is just a little chipmunk wearing a very cute sweater with patches on the elbow. And he turns to you and says, "That is cute, isn't it?" - What the fuck? - "Oh, language. We don't have to talk like that, dearie." - Oh my god. - Is that the chipmunk saying that? - Yup! All of you understand. - I look over and there's a giant boa constrictor in the corner and I kind of try to sidle up to it and be like. - "Oh, please don't get closer. It will eat me." - What? No, no, no. - "No, it absolutely would. It is a boa constrictor." - You know- - Dream, that's incredible. That's an incredibly useful familiar. Your familiar can talk. - "Hello, it's nice to meet you." - Hi, I'm Evan Kelmp. - "Hi." - Tiny little hand. - "I have a little hand." - Hello. - "What's my name?" - (stammering) I don't. But wait, yours is cute and Instagrammable, and yours is your basketball, mine's, no, no, this can't- - "I'm very smart, I make very nice tea. I can don clothing. I'm actually no slouch with a mop." - All of Dream's... You're seeing the same thing I'm seeing, right? - Yeah. - "I need a name." - Look, I've known her since I was a kid. It's interesting. - Theodore. Theodore, I don't know. - [Aabria] "Theodore, oh that's perfect. Hello. Hello, I'm Theodore." - You're really- - This is super cute. - "It's so nice to meet you." - This is the cutest thing in the whole world. - No, no it's not cute! I bet that you're secretly like, some sort of like... You're amazing at fighting, right? You go in and crawl inside somebody's intestine, or something. - "Oh, not at all, but I'm great at a bicycle. You know the bicycles with the really big front thing." - No, no, no, no! - "I'd like a tiny one of those." - A chipmunk on a tiny bike. - You have a penny-farthing bicycle? - "You know what it's called!" - Yeah! Also called velocipede. - "Oh my goodness. He's lovely." - You know both names? Wow. - Just top that. - I mean, Dream, it feels like you and this incredibly cute chipmunk are gonna get along great. - "Absolutely." And he gives you a little pat on your ear. - Are you gonna cry? - This close to tears. - "Don't cry. If you have to cry, just sing a song and you'll feel much better." - No, I can't. - Oh. (laughing) - Oh, god. Oh, god. - I feel like this is not going according to her fanfic. - This isn't working for her at all. - Hey. Hey, buddy. Hey, Dream. - It's dark, I'm dark. I'm so spooky. - You're the spookiest, bud. - I am. Man, yeah. I'm just, queen of darkness, I was supposed to have you know, something gothic. And look, no offense, Theodore. - "None taken, probably." - But I just... I was supposed to have something really brooding and badass, and just, you're- - "I smoke a little pipe." (Brennan screams) - I mean, I love my basketball, but Theodore sounds amazing. - Okay, you're right. You know what? - Dream, I know that it's not the aesthetic, but think about it, now, no matter where you go, you're gonna have someone to talk to. You won't have to go days and days without talking to anybody. - Is that what you do? - Dream, stop interacting with me. I know I started a conversation with you, but it doesn't have to be about me, it can be about things that are about you. - I don't know, I sort of do best with examining the lives of others, and sort of breaking them down into tropes that I can call out to- - Real people aren't tropes, though, you know? I'm not a character. - You like an awful lot like Kylo Ren, though. - Okay, I'm gonna find an animal. (laughing) And I'm going to... I just realized saying "I'm not a character" out loud is a very trippy- (laughing) - It was a weird world- - My mind split in half and I observed the curvature of the universe. - Evan really believes that. (laughing) Am I a character right now? How am I not myself? How am I not myself? I'm gonna go into the pen and just be like, "Just be normal, just be normal, just be normal," and walk into the pen. - You walk into the pen and... Charm roll, difficulty of eight. (cheerful music) That's doable. I'm nice. - He can do it. He can do it. - Yeah. - Well. (laughing) - No. - "How'd you do, buddy?" Mm. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. With a one, and keep in mind that I did say before that more than five becomes interesting. - Oh, wow. - So, what you see, is every animal just slams their bodies back against the edges of the pen trying to get as far away from you as possible. And Danielle, what extra worst thing do the animals do to just get out of Evan's radius? - Oh, they're all trying to leave? - Mm-hmm, just add a little something for me. - Well, a couple of them start spittin' blood, and the blood's coming out, and then the ones that are trying to rush are just slipping and falling in that blood because there's kind of so much of it. And it would be cute if it was chocolate milk or something, but it's definitely dark, dark blood that animals are now skidding 'cause they're trying to get away and then falling and covering themselves in it. - There's three otters just slicked with black blood in the corner, slipping and sliding, grabbing each other, trying to do the otter hand holding thing as they slide and screech and try to get away from you. - I'm gonna quickly step back out of the pen. Uh. This might not happen for me, so. - "What the dukes?" And a very slender, short, petite elven-looking woman kind of comes over. (stammer) "What? What is that? Hey!" - I'm sorry, it wasn't... It really wasn't intentional. - "No. Hold on. Why has nothing... You have a-" - Yeah, I got one. - "Okay, I'm gonna... I don't think we had... Did we have a basketball before? No? No? No, no. So, I'm gonna charge you for that anyway 'cause it was not... Was it sentient before you came in?" - No, it would not roll back to me or break my own ankle previously. - "I think that counts as a familiar finding you here and you will be charged full price. You have... Oh, that's adorable." And Theodore gives a little bow and she curtsies. "Beautiful. Amazing, yes. And we're at the end of the line and you've caused some-" - If you have a mop, I can clean up. - "No, please don't get anywhere near the pen. Hold on. May I interact with you, please?" - Yeah, if you want. - "Okay, hold on." And she pulls out an angular shard of prismatic glass, holds it up to you and then holds it up to your eyes, and then over your shoulders and over your chest, and when she passes over your heart, she drops it and steps back. Says, "Oh. (clears throat) The thing I'm going to say, I don't want to be alarming... I'm not going to charge you. You have a familiar-" - I know. - "Yes." - I know. - "Then you know clear to stay far away from... It's a shadow. Everyone, please look down." And you look down and there's torchlight everywhere and you're all throwing interesting shadows. Evan has thrown none this entire time. - Holy shit! (laughing) - "And if you see it-" - I know, run. - "Stay away." - I know, run. I know. I've seen it before and I run, I understand. - "Run. It has fed recently." - Oh, that's so bad. - "It was pleased." - Your shadow feeds? - What does that mean? - "Nothing for you to worry about! Off you go. Please leave my store. I'll give you a discount if you go quickly. Yes, yes, yes." - All right, yeah. - Okay. - "Three gold. Three gold, three gold." - I understand, I'm not- - "Do you want a sweet? You want a candy?" - Yeah. I can't turn it down, yeah. - "Here you go." And she slowly offers you a little toffee. - Thank you. - "Whoo. Get out of my store. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Goodbye." - Yeah, I think we head out. Well, you guys wanna eat? Or you wanna get some clothes, or? - You guys don't have to hang out with me if you don't wanna. I know it sucks to be around me. You just saw a bunch of animals vomit blood. I know that sucks. You don't have to hang around me if you don't want. - You are so dark. - Yeah. (laughing) - Theodore just starts shifting uncomfortably on your shoulder, like, "You seem to be heating up and getting a little slick. I'm losing my footing here." - On my shoulder? - "Yeah. It's kind of sweaty and I don't want to hurt you with my claws." - I... Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't... I feel like I'm fucking up this day for you guys. I'm really sorry. - Are you joking? You're clearly a chosen dark lord. - Please don't say that! - Oh my god! You have special powers- And it should've been me, yes, absolutely. I should've been some sort of queen of darkness, I prayed to Satan long enough for this- - "Oh, he's not real. He died a long time ago." - Oh my god. - You and the pig, I don't know what you have in common that you both think that- - "The pig? Continue." - This is the raddest thing ever. You are so cool! Oh my god! Look, I will... Okay, I'm sorry for bringing up your past history with animals and everything, and maybe you're right, maybe I should see you as a whole human being and not be reductive in the way that I was previously, but oh my god, you are so cool and we are gonna nurture this gift inside of you. - I don't wanna bring the mood down because I'm actually okay right now. I really am okay right now. This is the best day I've had in a long, long time. I've lost a lot of families and housing situations and places that I can be because I'm really dangerous to be around. It's not cool, and it's not something that... You're swooning even more as I say the sad things. Look, you're welcome to think that this is... I guess on a technical level it is certainly interesting. If you guys see a shadow in my shape, and I know that I'm pretty tall and gangly and the shadow probably looks like that, just run. I don't know how any of it works. There's a light here and it's hitting me, and there's also light behind me on the ground, 'cause that's how light works, is it's bouncing off of me, so what's that light? We don't know. (slow music) Look, the thing I talked to the headmistress about earlier was basically just, I'm just basically here to talk to a wizard doctor and try to get this removed. You've made ice cream today, and your basketball came to life. You guys clearly belong here and should be here and should be learning magic. I'm basically just here to get this, (clicks) just out of me, and just be able to have a life, you know? - Well, we don't want you to not hang out with us, you're Team Muggle. - Yeah, man. - "You can't say that." - Okay, Team Mugs. Mug's Mug, I don't know. - I'ma say the whole word, I'ma say it every time. - Digsby's sort of across, a couple steps away, the three of them have been sort of watching over you. "Don't say it. It's weird when you say it." - I mean, you know, it sounds to me like so far, your whole life, this magical ability has been making things hard for you, it has pushed people away from you, but now it has the ability to bring people to you, you know? It brought us all together, so- - "There's lots of evil wizards in the world. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to cut in, but-" - I'm going to stand up. And was this Digsby who said this? - Uh-huh. - I am going to point to him and say, "I am not an evil wizard!" And I think I wanna make a Fight check. - Yeah! - Oh, listen to that bass in your voice. - Give me a Fight roll, please include your Magic die. Difficulty of- - This is scary. (Brennan laughs) - It should be hard 'cause you're not holding your wand. - Mm-hmm. - Let's go Fight roll, difficulty of 15. - Oh no, you made that- - I'm going to halve mine, and when I halve mine and add my bonuses, it's automatically an 18. But do I add my Magic die to that? - No. - No, cool. - No, that's fine. - Cool, cool, cool. - That's fine. - That'll do. - That'll do. (laughing) - So, I'm not even holding my wand, but just point at him and say, "I'm not an evil wizard." - Yeah, what do you wanna do? What happens? You tell me. You won. - I'm going to point at him, and I think in my little grocery bag of socks, underwear, and T-shirts- - Buddy- - That my wand blasts out of the box and tears it to tatters and snaps into my hand. And I send Digsby- - Yeah. - We watched space behind him collapse. You know like when a fast camera motion of zooming through streets and cliffs and stuff like that? - Yeah. - I just bend the space behind him to throw him on a rock in the middle of the sea. Just. (whooshes) I don't actually wanna kill him. Right now I am maintaining enough composure to not destroy him. - This is a fun thing because normally you don't get to decide if something's lethal or not. - Oh, sorry, I didn't know that. - But I'll let you have this one 'cause it's the first day. Don't roll this high again. (laughing) - He didn't roll! - I did not know that I was- - Yeah! That's fun for me. - So yeah, in that case... - No, you did it. Sir, you did it. And Digsby disappears from view. He just sort of, concussive force hits him and he collapses in on himself and disappears backward. And Tallulah and Fergus look over and look shocked at you, and then quickly recompose themselves into calm demeanor. And you can see the beads of sweat and confusion, and all of you can hear the whispers of people talking. (indistinct whispering) And you hear, "Dark One? Interesting." And murmurs begin. (mysterious music) And all of the attention on this little alley in this magical place at the beginning of your magical adventure is centered on you four. And that's where we're going to leave off episode one of our show! (cheering) - Hey, hey, hey, hey. (clapping) - Yay! - Hey. - Hell yes. - I don't remember if there's an outro that I have to do. - No, that's it. - Okay, cool! - Oh my god. - You, you see it almost magically, this ripple of possibility that you've seeded, especially in the youngest students who are realizing, we're on our own and we make our own choices here. "I mean, every house has a team, but we're the ones that win the cup every year." - Hey, we'll see about that. - "What the fuck? Why are you doing that?" - Why don't you go hang out on an island, my guy? (indistinct) House! (laughing) And I run back to join my friends. I just told Digsby to suck it. - Gonna do a lot of magic here. - Hey, I sent baby powder out of my wand. I can do this. I can summon wind. - What is the target again? - You learned how to move a tiny amount of dirt and you're like, "Got it."

Channel: Dimension 20

Views: 721,327

Rating: 4.960269 out of 5

Keywords: dimension 20, misfits and magic, d20 misfits and magic, mismag, misfits and magic episode 1, dimension 20 full episodes, dimension 20 free episodes, dimension 20 free online

Id: C1VffF1Z5-Y

Length: 149min 52sec (8992 seconds)

Published: Tue Jul 27 2021