>> Stephen: HELLO! LOOK AT YOU! HEY, WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. FOLKS, WE BROADCAST THIS SHOW
FROM NEW YORK CITY, FROM A STORAGE CLOSET IN THE ED
SULLIVAN THEATER. BUT THAT STORAGE CLOSET ITSELF
IS INSIDE A LARGE AREA I LIKE TO CALL "REALITY"-- A PLACE OUR
REPUBLICAN BROTHERS AND SISTERS HAVE CHOSEN TO NO LONGER
INHABIT, ESPECIALLY WHEN IT COMES TO THE 2020 ELECTION. THEIR LIE THAT IT WAS STOLEN AND
THE INEVITABLE AFTERMATH: THE JANUARY 6 CAPITOL RIOT. ONE REFUGEE FROM REALITY IS
HOUSE MINORITY LEADER KEVIN McCARTHY, SEEN HERE AUCTIONING
OFF HIS INTEGRITY. TO INVESTIGATE THE CAPITOL RIOT,
NANCY PELOSI HAS, FOR MONTHS, BEEN TRYING TO PUT TOGETHER A
BIPARTISAN COMMISSION, SIMILAR TO THE 9/11 COMMISSION. McCARTHY DEMANDED THAT
REPUBLICANS HAVE EQUAL REPRESENTATION AND EQUAL ABILITY
TO SUBPOENA WITNESSES. WELL, LAST WEEK, THE DEMOCRATS
SAID, OKAY. AND TODAY, KEVIN McCARTHY
ANNOUNCED THAT HE OPPOSES A BIPARTISAN COMMISSION ON THE
CAPITOL RIOT. THERE YOU GO. MOTTO FOR 9/11 WAS "NEVER
FORGET." FOR JANUARY 6, THE G.O.P.'S
GOING WITH "FUGGEDABOUTIT." MAKE NO MISTAKE, McCARTHY
OPPOSES THIS COMMISSION BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHAT THEY'RE GOING TO
FIND. THE CAPITOL RIOT WAS PERPETRATED
BY HIS PARTY'S FOLLOWERS AT THE BEHEST OF A PRESIDENT HE
SUPPORTED, BASED ON AN ELECTION LIE McCARTHY HIMSELF HELPED
SPREAD. IT'S THE SAME REASON I OPPOSED
MY WIFE'S BIPARTISAN COMMISSION ON WHO ATE THE LAST SLICE OF
PIZZA. EVIE, IT IS TIME FOR AMERICA TO
MOVE ON. AND ORDER ANOTHER PIZZA. ANOTHER REASON McCARTHY IS
-- I'M NOT GOING TO PITCH IN BECAUSE I REALLY DON'T WANT TO
EAT ANY. ANOTHER REASON McCARTHY IS
AGAINST THIS IS THAT HE COULD POTENTIALLY BE CALLED AS A
WITNESS, BECAUSE ON JANUARY 6, McCARTHY CALLED PRESIDENT SWEET
'N SAURON AND BEGGED HIM TO CALL OFF THE MAGA MOB, BUT INSTEAD,
THE PREZ REPLIED, "WELL, KEVIN, I GUESS THESE PEOPLE ARE MORE
UPSET ABOUT THE ELECTION THAN YOU ARE." YET, McCARTHY STILL DEFENDS HIM. FORGET THE RIOT. WE NEED A BIPARTISAN COMMISSION
TO FIND KEVIN'S BALLS. OBVIOUSLY, McCARTHY CAN'T JUST
ISSUE AN OFFICIAL STATEMENT THAT SAYS, "I HEART THE COUP." SO INSTEAD, HE CAME UP WITH A
BUNCH OF BOGUS EXCUSES WHY HIS OPPOSITION WAS ALL NANCY
PELOSI'S FAULT, LIKE FOR MONTHS, THE SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE REFUSED
TO NEGOTIATE IN GOOD FAITH, AND "WHILE THE SPEAKER HAS WASTED
TIME PLAYING POLITICAL GAMES..." YES, POLITICAL GAMES. PELOSI'S PLAYING CHESS WHILE THE
G.O.P. IS PLAYING A DANGEROUS GAME OF "NAHTZEE." BUT McCARTHY'S CORE PRETEND
REASON FOR OPPOSING THE INVESTIGATION IS THAT THE
COMMISSION IGNORES THE POLITICAL VIOLENCE THAT HAS STRUCK
AMERICAN CITIES-- A REPUBLICAN CONGRESSIONAL BASEBALL PRACTICE,
AND, MOST RECENTLY, THE DEADLY ATTACK ON CAPITOL POLICE ON
APRIL 2, 2021. SURE, EVERYONE KNOWS YOU CAN'T
INVESTIGATE ONE CRIME WITHOUT INVESTIGATING EVERY OTHER CRIME. IT'S THE PREMISE OF THE NEW DICK
WOLF SERIES, "LAW & ORDER: THIS IS GOING TO TAKE A WHILE." <i> ( DUN-DUN )</i>
NOT AS LONG AS THAT SOUND EFFECT TOOK, BUT STILL A LONG TIME. McCARTHY'S NOT THE ONLY ONE
WHO'S DECIDING TO FORGET HOW HE FELT ON JANUARY 6. SO IS GEORGIA CONGRESSMAN AND
MAN WHOSE SMILE IS CLINICALLY DEPRESSED, ANDREW CLYDE. LAST WEEK, CLYDE SAID THIS ABOUT
CAPITOL RIOTERS: >> WATCHING THE TV FOOTAGE OF
THOSE WHO ENTERED THE CAPITOL AND WALKED THROUGH STATUARY
HALL, SHOWED PEOPLE IN AN ORDERLY FASHION STAYING BETWEEN
THE STANCHIONS AND ROPES, TAKING VIDEOS AND PICTURES. YOU KNOW, IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW THE
TV FOOTAGE WAS A VIDEO FROM JANUARY THE 6th, YOU WOULD
ACTUALLY THINK IT WAS A NORMAL TOURIST VISIT. >> Stephen: OKAY... BUT NOW A COUPLE PICTURES ON
JANUARY 6 HAVE SURFACED. ONE SHOWS THE CONGRESSMAN
BARRICADING THE DOOR OF THE HOUSE CHAMBER, AND ANOTHER SHOWS
HIS TERRIFIED REACTION. BUT THAT COULD STILL BE A
PICTURE OF A TOUR GUIDE. <i> ( AS PANICKED TOUR GUIDE )</i>
"THE GIFT SHOP'S THAT WAY! BUY A MAGNET FOR YOUR GRANDMA! WE'RE WALKING, AND WE'RE
WALKING." NOWHERE HAVE REPUBLICANS HELD ON
TO THE BIG LIE MORE FERVENTLY THAN THE GREAT STATE OF ARIZONA,
WHERE STATE SENATE REPUBLICANS HIRED A FIRM CALLED CYBER NINJAS
TO DO A NON-OFFICIAL AUDIT OF MARICOPA COUNTY. AMONG OTHER THINGS, THE CYBER
NINJAS CONDUCTED A FORENSIC ANALYSIS OF BALLOTS TO DETERMINE
IF THE PAPER WAS MADE OF BAMBOO, IN ORDER TO DETERMINE WHETHER OR
NOT IT CAME FROM CHINA. OF COURSE, ALL PAPER FROM CHINA
IS MADE OF BAMBOO, JUST LIKE ALL THE NEWSPAPERS IN ITALY ARE
PRINTED ON PROSCIUTTO. BUT NOW, EVEN REPUBLICANS IN
ARIZONA ARE ASKING TO GET OFF THE CRAZY TRAIN, BECAUSE
YESTERDAY, THE REPUBLICAN-DOMINATED MARICOPA
COUNTY BOARD OF SUPERVISORS DENOUNCED AN ONGOING AUDIT OF
THE 2020 ELECTION VOTE AS A "SHAM" AND A "CON." IT'S THE BIGGEST CON TO COME OUT
OF ARIZONA SINCE THEY STARTED SAYING, "BUT IT'S A DRY HEAT." OKAY, IT'S STILL 113 DEGREES
OUT, WHICH MEANS IT GETS PLENTY HUMID AROUND MY "FLAGSTAFF," IF
YOU CATCH MY DRIFT. AND MY WHIFF. WHAT PUT THE ARIZONA G.O.P. OVER
THE EDGE? WELL, IT MAY BE THE LATEST
CONSPIRACY THEORY, WHICH IS-- AND STICK WITH ME HERE-- THAT IN
THE 2020 ELECTION, STATE ELECTION OFFICIALS SHREDDED
THEIR BALLOTS AND FED THEM TO CHICKENS. THAT'S RIGHT, CHICKENS. LOOKS LIKE THIS IS A CASE,
OF FOWL PLAY. <i> ( OPENING SCREAM FROM THE WHO'S
"WON'T GET FOOLED AGAIN." )</i> OKAY. MAYBE THAT'S THE LAST TIME. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
OKAY. TO RECAP: THE DEMOCRATS FED
THE BALLOTS TO CHICKENS. PERFECT CRIME, RIGHT? WRONG. IT GETS "PERFECTER." BECAUSE THE CHICKENS MIGHT
SQUAWK. THE CONSPIRACY THEORY SAYS THAT
AFTER THEY FED THE BALLOTS TO THE CHICKENS, THE OFFICIALS THEN
HAD THE CHICKENS INCINERATED TO COVER UP THE EVIDENCE. THAT MAKES PERFECT SENSE. YOU CAN'T JUST BURN PAPER. YOU NEED AN ACCELERANT, LIKE
CHICKEN. IT REMINDS ME OF THE OLD JOKE:
"WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? BECAUSE THERE WAS A FURNACE ON
THE OTHER SIDE, AND HE'D JUST EATEN A BUNCH OF BALLOTS AND WAS
HELPING THE DEMOCRATS COVER UP THEIR CRIME. THE CHICKEN-BURNERS AREN'T THE
ONLY WHACKJOBS OUT THERE PROMOTING ELECTION
CONSPIRACIES LAST WEEK, A GROUP OF
FORMER U.S. MILITARY LEADERS SIGNED A BIZARRE OPEN LETTER
PUSHING ELECTION LIES. THAT'S KIND OF SPOOKY. MILITARY GUYS PUTTING OUT A
LETTER SAYING THE ELECTION WAS STOLEN IS THE KIND OF THING THAT
HAPPENS RIGHT BEFORE THE JUNTA STARTS BUYING MIRRORED
SUNGLASSES. BUT AS SHOCKING AS THIS LETTER
IS, WAS AM-- I WAS HEARTENED BY THE NAME OF ONE FORMER MILITARY
PATRIOT WHO SIGNED THE LETTER: REAR ADMIRAL JACK MEEHOFF. JACK MEEHOFF IS A TRUE AMERICAN
HERO WHO SERVED BRAVELY IN SEVERAL SOLO MISSIONS WHERE HE
BEAT OFF THE ENEMY SINGLE-HANDEDLY. WE ALL REMEMBER HIS HEROICS IN
THE BATTLE OF STROKE-INAWA. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
LOST A LOT OF GOOD SEAMEN THAT DAY. HE WAS AWARDED THE PURPLE
HARD-ON, AT WHICH POINT, HE WASN'T HONORABLY DISCHARGED. HE WAS FULLY RELEASED. BATTLE OF THE BULGE. JACK MEEHOFF IS, I AM JUST NOW
REALIZING, A MADE-UP NAME SUBMITTED BY SOMEONE TRYING TO
PRANK THESE STUPID RETIRED FASCISTS. BUT THEY DIDN'T CATCH ON. INSTEAD, THEY PUBLISHED THE NAME
AFTER RESPONDING, "THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT. YOUR NAME WILL BE ADDED TO THE
LETTER TODAY. THANK YOU FOR STANDING TALL." YES, REAR ADMIRAL JACK MEEHOFF
STANDS TALL, ESPECIALLY IF HE TAKES A CERTAIN MEDICATION THREE
TO FIVE HOURS BEFORE HE THINKS HE MIGHT NEED TO SALUTE. AND THIS HERO IS FOLLOWING THE
FOOTSTEPS OF GREAT AMERICAN PRANKSTERS. THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE
IS FULL OF SIGNATURES LIKE BEECHER MEET,
FINGER BLASTER. AND, OF COURSE, JOHN HANCOCK. I WANT TO TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY
TO CALL ON ALL MEMBERS OF THE MILITARY, WHETHER YOU'RE
CURRENTLY IN ACTION OR HAVING SOME ORANGE JUICE BEFORE YOUR
NEXT CALL OF DUTY, TO SIGN THIS LETTER USING YOUR DEFINITELY
REAL NAME: I'M TALKING TO YOU... MAJOR HARDEN
CAPTAIN LUKE ATDESEBALLS SERGEANT RUBEN JUAN OUTT<i>
( LAUGHTER )</i> COLONEL ANNE L. BEADS
PRIVATE WILLY TUGGER AND, OF COURSE, FIELD MARSHALL
BUTT STUFF. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
THANK YOU FOR YOUR SELF-SERVICE. EARLIER TODAY, PRESIDENT BIDEN
TOURED A FORD FACTORY THAT IS MAKING ELECTRIC VEHICLES. AND AFTERWARDS, HE FINAGLED
HIMSELF A RIDE IN THE BRAND-NEW, NOT-YET-RELEASED ALL-ELECTRIC
FORD F-150. >> NOW, I DON'T KNOW IF ANYBODY
HAS A STOPWATCH, BUT I THINK IF WE'RE GOING ZERO TO 60 IN ABOUT
4.3, 4.4? I'M JUST GONNA STEP ON IT, AND
I'LL COME OFF AT 80 MILES AN HOUR. YOU'LL SEE WHAT IT IS, OKAY? OKAY, HERE WE GO? ARE YOU READY? >> SEE YOU, SIR! >> ARE YOU READY? <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> >> Stephen: WOW, THAT IS COOL. NORMALLY, THE ONLY ELECTRIC-
POWERED VEHICLE SOMEONE OF HIS AGE IS PILOTING IS A JAZZY AT
THE CASINO. NOW THE AVIATOR GLASSES MAKE
A LITTLE MORE SENSE. HE REALLY PUNCHED IT, UNLIKE THE
LAST GUY, WHO WAS CONTENT MAKING VROOM-VROOM NOISES. IN COVID NEWS, THERE'S LESS AND
LESS COVID NEWS, BECAUSE THANKS TO VACCINES, U.S. WEEKLY DEATHS
FROM COVID HAVE FALLEN TO THE LOWEST RATES IN 14 MONTHS. YES! SUMMER IS ALMOST HERE, AND IT IS
FINALLY SAFE TO DRINK A SIX-PACK AND SET OFF SOME FIREWORKS FROM
OUR SEA-DOO. AND I'LL CATCH YOU UP ON THE
LATEST FREEDOMS IN TONIGHT'S "THE VAX-SCENE." <i> ( OPERATIC SINGING )</i>
♪ GET YOUR VACCINE-AH <i> ( OPERATIC SINGING )</i>
♪ GET YOUR VACCINE-AH DON'T BE A WEINER
♪ IT ATTACKS THE SPIKE PROTEIN-AH
♪ SO GO GET YOUR VACCINE-AH ♪ ( GLASS BREAKING )<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i> >> Stephen: LAST WEEK, THE
C.D.C. ANNOUNCED THAT VACCINATED FOLKS CAN HANG OUT INDOORS IN
THEIR BIRTHDAY FACES, BUCK TOOTH NAKED. AND NOW STATES ARE CHANGING
THEIR RULES, LIKE HERE IN THE BIG APPLE. TOMORROW, NEW YORK WILL END MOST
MASK REQUIREMENTS FOR VACCINATED PEOPLE. >> WE HAVE TO GET BACK TO LIFE
AND LIVING, AND WE HAVE TO DO IT THE WAY NEW YORKERS DO IT. >> Stephen: YES, NEW YORK
LIVIN': CRAMMED TOGETHER ON THE SUBWAY, FEELING A STRANGER'S
HAND BRUSH YOUR BUTT, THEN TURNING AROUND TO SEE THAT IT
WAS JUST GOVERNOR CUOMO. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
INDIVIDUAL RETAILERS ARE MAKING TEIR OWN DECISIONS. SOME ARE LIFTING MASK MANDATES,
LIKE HOME DEPOT, TARGET, WALMART, AND STARBUCKS. WOW, STARBUCKS WILL NO LONGER
REQUIRE MASKS? THAT IS HUGE! I'M SORRY, THAT IS VENTI. BUT SOME STORES STILL WANT YOU
TO MASK, LIKE WALGREENS, RITE AID, HOMEGOODS, AND TJMAXX. I'M SURPRISED ABOUT TJMAXX. THAT'S PRETTY RESTRAINED
BEHAVIOR FOR A STORE THAT SELLS THROW PILLOWS AND OFF-BRAND
SALSA ON THE SAME SHELF. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
SO, SOME STORES REQUIRE A MASK, SOME DON'T. SOME STATES HAVE MASK MANDATES,
OTHERS DON'T. IT GETS PRETTY CONFUSING, SO
HERE'S AN EASY MNEMONIC DEVICE TO REMEMBER WHICH STATES HAVE
RECENTLY RELAXED THEIR MASK POLICIES. OKAY, HERE THEY ARE. AND HERE'S HOW TO REMEMBER THEM:
WHY IS
PIZZA VERY
DELICIOUS CHRIS? CALORIES? MMMM
NUH-NUH-NO. O. KAY! YAY! OF COURSE, THE "Y" IN YAY STANDS
FOR "YOU SHOULD ALWAYS CONSULT MASK POLICY SIGNAGE AT LOCAL
RETAILERS." NOW, WHILE THE ECONOMY IS
BOUNCING BACK, SOME BUSINESSES ARE FINDING IT HARDER THAN
OTHERS-- SPECIFICALLY, PAY-PER-VIEW BOOTY, BECAUSE
STRIPPERS ARE BACK ON THE JOB, BUT OVID RULES ARE HURTING
THEIR PAY. THIS ISN'T RIGHT. WE NEED TO SUPPORT OUR
FRONT-LINE TWERKERS. LET'S CLAP FOR THEM AT 7:00 P.M. AFTER ALL, THEY MAKE IT CLAP
FOR US. BECAUSE OF SOCIAL DISTANCING,
STRIP CLUB CROWDS ARE THINNED OUT, PROMPTING ONE STRIPPER TO
SAY, "IT'S JUST NOT FUN ANYMORE." THAT BREAKS MY HEART. I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SEE THE DAY
WHEN STRIP CLUBS WOULD BE DEPRESSING. DANCERS ARE SEEING LESS CASH
BECAUSE PREMIUM STRIP-SPERIENCES ARE STILL PROHIBITED, LIKE
V.I.P. ROOMS AND LAP DANCES. SUCH A SHAME. AFTER 14 MONTHS OF QUARANTINE,
AMERICANS' BODIES ARE MOSTLY LAP. BUT EVEN IF YOU CAN'T GET A LAP
DANCE, THERE ARE STILL OTHER REASONS TO HIT THE "CLURRB,"
BECAUSE IN NEVADA, THEY'VE ANNOUNCED SOME VEGAS STRIP CLUBS
WILL BE OFFERING VACCINES-- SPECIFICALLY, LARRY FLYNT'S
HUSTLER CLUB WILL OFFER VACCINATIONS ON FRIDAY, MAY 21,
FROM 4:00 P.M. TO 7:00 P.M. THAT'S RIGHT, 4:00 P.M. FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HISTORY,
YOU CAN TELL YOUR LOVED ONES, "WELL, I'M OFF TO THE STRIP CLUB
IN DAYTIME, BECAUSE I'M ACTING RESPONSIBLY." LAUGH
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. MY GUESTS ARE MORGAN FREEMAN AND
TIG NOTARO. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK,
"MEANWHILE." JOIN US.
