Hippie Wife Hippie Life. Johnny Beehner on Marriage and Kids

you know we have in our house we have that Brown a whole-grain old wheat crab with peanuts and a cord sticking out the side of it was very different my wife and I were very different we come from different backgrounds like I came from a normal family she just came from like a hippie dippie family you know her dad's an actual hippie her mom's a holistic nurse and I DIF first of all if you don't know what holistic medicine is it's basically like remember when you were little and you play house you know you you pretend you how to go to the doctor put your kid so you don't have medical equipment so you're just gonna use sticks and rocks and stuff that's holistic medicine here's it here's a better example when I was single before I met my wife I used to use Irish Spring okay it's good soap I like it I was myself and then I met my wife we got married we move in together she sees my soap in the shower one day and she freaks out she's like whoa whoa whoa whoa what what is this come here what is this I'm kidding me that has aluminum in it that's terrible I'm like I didn't see any she's like you cannot use that you can't use that here you got to use this weird miss shapen oatmeal rock I bought from a homeless person at the farmers market what your body needs good all right whatever hey I'm a married guy I don't want to make waves I know how it goes right so I'm using her soap okay first of all it hurts cuz there's pebbles in it are those running quality control at the hippie-dippie soap factory but I think they're asleep with the wheels there's a lot of junk going down that line no one's to pick it out I'm using her soap one day I'm washing myself I cut my leg literally cut my leg I look down there's a stick oh you ever cut yourself soaping anyone it's very frustrating I never found a stick in my our spring okay but that's kind of a big selling point when I when I buy soap no sticks got that one I just don't get this hippie dippie movement we're all moving towards there you know you shouldn't you know you shouldn't wash yourself with anything and unless you found it on the ground in the woods that's how you know what's good so nice to go to Target and I'd buy a year supply of Irish Spring and it would cost me I think what I don't know $11 comes in a box making a factory says soap on the side somewhere so you know what you're buying meanwhile my wife's buying soap from gypsies oatmeal and sticks the packaging is rope quality control right there the label is just a ripped off piece of scratch paper someone hand wrote nature's chunk of crap $18 okay well I said I try not to make waves what do they say what's the saying happy happy wife happy life right yeah yeah I wonder who came up with that one no husband rhymed with life a different planet I love my wife I love her so much it's just I've been at white bread in seven years I was wrong with white bread is there something wrong with my I didn't need the checks like I'm making sandwiches out of Skittles bread you know we have in our house we have that Brown a whole grain oat wheat crab with peanuts and a cord sticking out the side of it you know what I'm talking about where you couldn't happen I was like it has fleas in it should be like oh that's flaxseed your body needs them okay well I think what I'm just moved so I'm not chancing it enjoy your low-fat trail mix I'm gonna get cereal I guess so first I can't even do that I can't even have cereal my own house cuz I'll go to the fridge I'll open it up and there's more hippy dippy crap in there someone please tell me what exactly is cage-free almond milk maybe it's not cage free I don't know but it might as well it's all hippy propaganda like it frustrated cuz you know like most married guys they got to sneak out of their house to take doughnuts right yeah I got to sneak out of my house to drink 2% I'm like hiding in the car in the garage oh yeah these cows were not treated humanely [Applause] [Applause] I haven't had candy in a long time it comes from a good place okay but I really like candy let's tell me that candy was a bag of M&Ms and they were so good so finish the M&Ms and then I had to do so I had to hide the wrapper cuz I didn't want to get in trouble you know so in the kitchen and I reached in the garbage can I pulled out like an old carton of venire coconut milk or some other hippie weird stuff and I took that I took the M&M wrapper and I put it in the bottom of the carton and I crunched it I put it in the garbage can and he's down and then I went I had to go do a show that night so he did that and then I came back really late at night I creep into the house and I'm walking past my desk and on my desk was the M&M wrapper with a little post-it note that said I want you to be around to watch our kids grow up let's have a nice she's acting like she's found a crack needle or something [Laughter] some creepy psycho stuff how did she find it so you know what I do now here's what I do now if I want to have candy and I am too lazy to walk to the gas station to their other rapper away after I after I've know the candy just put the rapper they just keep them in my pocket I just accumulate them and then when my son goes to the bathroom in his diaper and change his diaper right before I seal up the old one and I check the coast and I just empty my pockets and seal it up real quick and toss it in the diaper genie thank you [Music] you're right it is pretty clever yeah you know the scary thing is I'm not a hundred percent confident she's not gonna find those wrappers you know what I love being married then I get it a lot of comedians they come onstage and they complain about being married you know or the way they make fun of their wives you know and I will be doing that just a minute here but I want to start out by saying how much I appreciate my wife in my marriage and I think the reason I don't take it for granted is because my whole life I never I know I just I never thought it would happen for you I never thought I'd end up getting married 100% because my last name is obviously you understand by how you're laughing it's a terrible last name to have especially growing up Oh picture this little tiny out at recess all right there's more but I guess if that's funny about how about there a recess I'm just trying to play kickball whatever just trying to fit in but I'm having a hard time because I got the school bully circle around me chanting out Johnny has a tiny will you know our rival [Laughter] emotionally psychologically scarred me I never thought I'd get married and figure who's you know who's gonna want to marry into being her well I'll tell you that's about ten years ago the stars aligned I was out at a bar and I met Aaron pagina we fell in love we got married she actually ended up hyphenating which oh my god we are gonna be okay we've been married a while and a lot of people say a lot of people say oh you know a lot of married couples start having kids after 2 3 years of marriage at the two three year mark that's when a lot of couple started having kids okay great you know my wife and I we've talked about this and we agree we're not ready for kids not even close you know incidentally we actually have two kids I'm not ready for him but we have them we love them we just don't know what we're doing it's very scary we got too little we got a two year old little boy and then we got a four-year-old little Lund you know one of the little girl ones we've seen these things they're so cute they are so cute I mean they're not all cute obviously some of them I've seen some duds that's all I'm saying you ever have someone show you a picture of their kid on their phone and you're like ah is this a jar you kidding you're not kidding okay now she's very pretty well that's your son okay that's not we gonna she's beautiful in fact she looks exactly like my wife like like like exactly nothing to me it's all my wife in fact my wife likes to joke around and say that I'm not the father and we laugh his comedy never gets old yeah that's the beauty of that when my wife was pregnant with my daughters were so scared she was terrified of the delivery you know the birth and she handled it like a champ and I knew she would I wasn't surprised I knew she'd she'd do it great because it's true what they say about women right women women have an extremely high tolerance for pain it's insane chanting is kind of weird considering they're such a low tolerance for mild inconvenience you can just stood up he's sleeping on the couch for a feel it's weird though it's true you know my wife she can push a 9-pound baby through the inside of her body but in heaven forbid Hulu Plus has commercials hard time naming our kids cuz we couldn't agree on anything and she'd say a name and I'd be like nah that's stupid then I'd say a name is she like now you're stupid so what we ended up doing is we have just taking turns okay so she got to name my daughter and she named her Edie after no I don't know her mom or dad or something so my daughter's name is Edie which it's hard to believe we never said the whole thing out loud before mailing in the paperwork that's exactly what happened basically she's gonna hate us as soon as she meets another person so I got to name my son and I've always been a big fan of Michael Jordan huge fan watched all his games growing up right had the Air Jordan sneakers in fact these are the retro 11 bred low Air Jordans thank you very much so my son's name is basketball shoe and I love him I do feel bad for him cuz he's the second kid you know and second kids they always get the short end of the stick oh they it's it's terrible we don't do it on purpose but especially like with pictures we have so many pictures of Edie doing everything she's our firstborn everything she does is exciting and new to us you know everything Xiu does know we start calling him Shu cuz there's another basketball at his daycare I just get scared that you know one day he's gonna come up to me big you guys have any pictures of me at all I gotta be like yes we do we got a picture you with your mom right after you were born and then I think there's a high school graduation picture somewhere around here I think it's under one of those Edie albums I do like I do like the set they reached out to me before and they're like what do you want your set to to look like I just said you know what just just keep it simple let's keep it simple as long as it looks like the cover of a Christopher Cross album I just don't want my kids to be dumb people okay is that too much to ask I don't think it's gonna happen that sounds bad I don't think it's gonna happen but you know what there's a lot of dumb people out there someone's making them nobody's nobody's making dumb people on purpose right I think at some point you just gotta look at your kid you're just like ah crap well you know what I'm talking about I took an uber to the airport and we're getting close to the airport my uber driver looks up at the signs he turns back at me he goes are you arriving or departing somebody made that guy my writing are deferred I'm arriving yeah I just gotta stop at baggage claim pick up my bags I'll be right out thanks thanks for picking me up yeah I took one of those special flights where they fly you to your house and then you take an uber to go get your bag at the airport thank you very a sting a lot of drivers do five stars we're doing our best it's hard with kids to get wife time you know our idea of going out and having a night out is basically waiting until the kids fall asleep and watching Netflix here's how it works in our house one of us picks out the movie and the other one hates their life for 90 minutes so why do I picked out this movie one week it's called her turn to pick a movie she picks this movies called the notes on a scandal it's about a high school teacher that has an affair with one of her students my wife is a high school teacher so right away I hate this movie halfway through the movie she turns to me big smile on her face and she goes babe hypothetically what would you do if I told you I had an affair with a student what kind of a game is this it's a fun game I said I don't know baby won't you try not to but then she got mad at me for my wife she's like are you kidding me you think that's something I could do you think I'm capable do you think I would actually I'm just like well how am I in trouble here so the next week we're watching my movie I got to pick out the movie right so halfway through my movie I look at my wife and I go oh hey babe totally hypothetically what would you do if I told you I was a storm trooper doesn't feel so good does she called me a I went to bed it's very frustrating it's not just married guys they have to deal with that either like before before we got married and right after we got engaged I would tell people that we were engaged and everyone's advice to me was the same they'd always say oh you're getting married hey pick your battles pick your battles buddy that's what we say to guys when they're getting married picture bad we don't say that to women that's not fair what do we say to women oh you're getting married huh you're gonna win a lot we were married like six months and all sudden my wife goes out of the bushes like hey I'm gonna get a let's get a dog I'm gonna get it too hard I said no I don't wanna get a dog let's not do that she's like yeah yeah yeah let's get a dog that'd be fun you love it it's great no I don't get it oh it's a lot of work money let's not do that she's that come on let's get a dog so I said all right you know what I'm just gonna use one of my battles here my wife who clearly had never been told to pick her battles says what it what is that what are you talking about your battles I said well you know they always say like pick your battles so I'm gonna use one of mine she started laughing and then we went and got a dog [Applause] we were have to eat the whole family me my wife kids brought to eat at this restaurant and waitress came around to check on us like you guys doing okay anyone need anything I said yeah oh yeah can I get a can I get a refill my coke and then my wife goes oh no no no no he's good he's had plenty he's fine and the waitress goes okay and left I'm sitting at the table I'm like what just happened another coke I just told her own another coke and then this other person that's not me said I don't need another coke I don't think I'm getting another coke this is one of my battles where I use a battle for this so they were talking about no it's a coke let it go Johnny save them you don't know how many battles you get and then my wife gets mad at me because she looks at me and she doesn't think I'm listening to her you know because I'm just sitting at the end of the table playing through the different scenarios in my head I'm like she's like what are you doing where's your head what he's doing I'm like what am i doing I'll tell you what to do I'm daydreaming me flip on the table say where's my car [Applause] and then other women in the restaurant probably like oh my goodness did you see that man what an animal he totally overreacted I'm gonna all the guys to be like Diddy looks to me like someone just lost a battle my wife and I actually we just we just celebrated kind of a milestone anniversary now the big the week six or seven so she actually got me a gift I have it I brought it with me cuz I well I'll just show it I don't know if you guys have ever seen these says a it's called a vouchers for lovers coupon book you ever seen these and once you got this for me to not be on sir they're kind of excited cuz I was like oh this is gonna be fun and then I opened it up I've never been more disappointed in my life first coupon is good for one hour of alone time who is this a coupon for exactly I'm a comedian on the road I get plenty of hours of a long time okay so my car maybe that's the warm-up coupon and then they start getting dirty next coupon is good for a night out with my friends okay this is a huge letdown hit the last coupon for the last coupon in here was four I'll see an errand of my choice whoa dim the lights and get out the candles my wife's going to Walgreens to get pepto-bismol these come on it's on the back of these coupons they have terms and conditions yeah is there anything sexier than fine print it says expiration this voucher does not expire except in the event of a substantial change in the stated lover relationship between bearer and redeem II does not really need to be printed my wife left me you think I'm gonna you owe me an hour of a long time not going anywhere the worst part about this gift is that they're supposed to me it says right here twenty twenty vouchers they're supposed to be twenty vouchers and there's nineteen and she didn't know this but when you take out a coupon it leaves a stub and it says what the future was for this one was for surrender to an argument she didn't want me to have that one [Applause] that is ridiculous not fair oh you know what I'll do I'll give you I'll give you some some advice you some marital advice if there's anyone out there thinking about getting engaged or getting married I'll say this it is very important that before you do it you sit down and you discuss whether or not one of you wants to someday live on a farm [Laughter] I don't know how we forgot to talk about that we're married like two months we're sitting on the couch and I remember sitting by my wife and I'm thinking all my this is great I just married the girl of my dreams I won the lottery and then she turns to me and she goes oh I can't wait till we have our own little farm [Music] I'm sorry did you just say farm farm with a bunch of goats and chickens yeah I know what a farm is what are you talking about you want to live in a farce it's like code for you on a divorce it's basically that's like her end goal is that she wants to in the futures get a farm and accumulate all these animals and just rescue every animal and we don't have a farm yet but she's slow she wants to she's starting to rescue all these animals okay we are filling our two bedroom home with animals okay we we've got we got the dog okay and we got two cats okay now I'm not a cat person are there any cat people here No no I'm kidding I saw the weirdo up front all right I said I did I just talked about my cats at a show one time and after this show this lady comes up to me and she's like ah you see defecate ek you look at all what breezy okay first of all I didn't even know there were different breeds of cats I didn't know that was a thing I just thought you said the color of your cat and then the word cat lady's freakish what do you have an Alaskan tabby that's very calm and Alaska tabby it's very common I'm like I have a brown cat from the store for brown Milwaukee store cat very rare and we have two we have two of them okay when I met my wife she already had the one cat okay and I was deathly allergic to it still him so here's what she did she got another one and so you got the two cats and she named them and she ruined it you how many cats do you have - okay what are their dumb names Lex and Penguin see I like that that's great that's creative it's fun you got an animal have fun with it name your cat penguin I guess that's not confusing see honey you know I named our dog you know I was part of the agreement that we get the dog and I named him Batman that's a cool that's a great day for a dog no I'm sure yeah you know our cats names are Jack and Edie those aren't fun names those are actually people names okay yeah you know it's funny about that she actually has a nickname for me she calls me poopy but the cats have regular dignified people ants hi these are my cats Jack and Edward my husband poopies running around here somewhere now I think he ran in the basement when you ring the doorbell come on in come on in he'll come out he'll come out just gotta shake a bag of food he'll come I just don't I don't know how don't get ki so this is this blew my mind this is a real sign I saw four missing cat one time on a pole somewhere it said missing cat and had a picture of some dumb cat you know and then said reward $2,000 - first of all cats are free I'm pretty sure right I mean these guys must they mm not for his old cat all right I don't want to judge I'll say this if I lost my cat if I accidentally lost our cats I would put up signs - I would I would I would have to my sense would be different though my signs would say missing two cats reward two cats all right I'm losing you I can feel there are more there are more cat people in here than this weirdo and a couple weirdoes over there that's fine that's fine yeah you love your cats and I'm the bad guy you know what else this is it here this maybe this will make sense to you you know what it is it's the cat hairball okay I didn't grow up with I didn't grow up with cats oh I didn't know and if you're not familiar with cats let me tell you this right now there's a hairball it's not like in the cartoons because that's what I was expecting right I thought the cat was just gonna kind of go umm and then a tumble way to blow away or someone know a couple weeks after we move in I wake up one morning and Eddie is on my pillow he's right infront of my face he's doing that stupid thing cats do and feet you know he's like I'll wake up to this I'm like ah you trying to hypnotize me what is this and then all of a sudden he starts to he just starts going oh well I thought he was trying to talk to me I'm freaking out I'm like what is it Eddie is there trouble did Timmy fall down too well and then all the sudden out of nowhere this wet disgusting hairy glop of afterbirth like Rockets out of his mouth right in front of my face you know the creepiest thing was he didn't even break I contacted man who came out I'm breaking out of my god and he just went to the bathroom out of his mouth and you're putting the food in the wrong end sweetheart you're gonna read the bag then he just wanders okay I'm out of here got fun cleaning that hot mess up I'm gonna go hide into the dresser make noises for three days do you guys here's our wonderful audience you guys have been great I'll end what this story is a true story when I was in eighth grade me and my buddy snuck into his parents bedroom and he pulled out his dead sock drawer the back of his dad socked where there was a Playboy magazine he was hiding so that his wife wouldn't see it now even at that young age I'm in eighth grade I remember thinking to myself this guy's hiding stuff from his wife that's terrible if my son went my room pulled out my sock drawer he would not find a Playboy magazine he wouldn't he would find a little Ziploc baggie with a half used bar of Irish Spring units [Applause] [Music] you [Music]

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 958,759

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Johnny Beehner, Johnny Beehner Dry Bar Comedy, Johnny Beehner Comedian, Johnny Beehner Comedy, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, clean stand up comedy, clean stand up comedy 2019, clean stand up comedians, clean stand up comedy full show, clean stand up comedy clips, clean stand up comedy routines, stand up, Hippie life, holistic living, whole foods, marriage, kids

Id: lNsANdPIUjo

Length: 33min 59sec (2039 seconds)

Published: Sun Nov 17 2019