The Best of Jaboukie in Quarantine | The Daily Social Distancing Show

[Music] [Applause] [Music] you know this pandemic really has people thinking about different groups of people from our essential workers to our health care providers yes clap it up give it up but what about America's smallest minority affluent Americans because this virus affects rich people's bodies just as much as anyone elses but pink god rich people have one of the best antibodies around Bobby wealthy escaping problem zones by chartering private jets airlifting their entire families to a holiday home to quote sit it out folks who have second and third homes in West Palm Beach and Nantucket Cape Cod Martha's Vineyard and the Hamptons certain grocery stores have been ransacked by the number of people flooding in a rural county in Idaho that actually suddenly became a hot spot because it's a place where a lot of wealthy people have second homes year-long Hamptons residents say the outbreak is leading to class warfare it's just so good for them that's awesome look um not hey I'm not I'm just saying if you have enough money to go to your second third fourth home at least let me quarantine in your first home I should be laying by a pool instead of laying in front of the bathroom door while my roommate takes an hour-long shower dad are you done yet then your day can't smell you over zoo dad yeah but spending your quarantine in your vacation home is just for porridge luxury hotel company in Switzerland is now offering a cove in nineteen hotel stay that can include a $500 coronavirus test high-end clients called saying they wanted to wait out the shelter-in-place order somewhere upscale and say they prefer to have medical care come to them concierge doctors who cater to rich people and celebrities have been selling tests to patients and their families even when they weren't showing symptoms only 1% of the population of Florida has been tested for coronavirus but 100% of the residents of Fisher Island off Miami have gotten the antibody test now the residents purchased 1,800 test kits for the islands 800 families as well as for their housekeepers the island is only accessible by boat and has an average income of two and a half million dollars okay okay first of all why are rich people still allowed to have private islands did we learn nothing from Jeffrey Epstein the takeaway here is that money buys you access whether it's to testing to government relief or to an eBay auction of that peach that Timothy Shalem a Justin to in to call me by your name I was so close to getting that peach with the state of Georgia Smith in last minute because they wanted to make it their mascot but honestly have enough island full of tests is only a present of your mega rich if your ultra rich the coronavirus is just like anything else in your life billionaire David Geffen is currently floating on the waters off the coast of the Caribbean on a five hundred and ninety million dollar super yacht fears about the coronavirus are boosting the market for luxurious underground bunkers offering the rich and famous a place to write out of endemics with stockpiled food blast-proof doors escape helicopters Wow oh my god they got a luxury bunker with an escape helicopter I didn't even know that was a type of helicopter I thought that helicopters only came in sightseeing emergency and bachelorette date and look I don't care how nice they are luxury and bunker should not be next to each other that's like chic jorts which actually now that I say might be kind of okay yeah and so okay so yes the rich are living a different quarantine lives than us sure but because they're finally figuring out that they need us more than we need them they can't survive without their housekeepers their drivers their cooks their nannies they can't even vacuum they don't even know how to use the dishwasher and all you have to do is just put the little clunky thingy in it and close it just look at the real housewife who tried to clean her own toilet and buy clean I mean contaminate second toilet mom you got this damn she's wiping down the toilet with the same brush she used to wash the bowl Korona is the last infection that she needs to worry about she looks like Donald Trump trying to give a woman a real orgasm it's like clearly you have not done this before but I think we can all learn a very important lesson penis a lot of people are seeing how well the flloyd are doing they're in this crisis where they're saying stuff like overthrow the one perfect or socialism now or eat rich but remember before you eat the wrench wash them off first because down [Applause] [Music] with a vaccine still about a year away medical experts are looking at other ways to treat Cova 19 patients and there's one thing right now that seems to be working convalescent plasma convalescent plasma convalescent plasma Klose actually the plasma of recovered kovat patients it's the one thing right now more valuable than totally if you've recovered from coma 19 doctors want your blood so I sat down with two people who might be able to help do you see you still have COBIT or like how does that work no I'm good I I was cleared I'm I've been without symptoms for about 30 years 37 days now so I've been symptom free from coronavirus for about three weeks and then basically recovered so can you explain to me what convalescent plasma treatment is yeah that's where people donate plasma to get people better oh okay that's the therapy that Madonna uses on her face where she takes a blood of her 20 year old lovers to look younger okay so it's not exactly that but what happens is people who have corona virus their immune systems develop antibodies against the virus and the treatment gives those antibodies to people who are dying from the disease so the antibodies can fight the virus for them so they recover more quickly Wow that that's really dope that new donated plasma and took time to think about other people during a pandemic that's pretty laudable we didn't yes it's not quite that easy whoa why is that I'm gay I'm gay too and the FDA says that we are not allowed to donate blood so you can't donate blood because you're gay pretty much oh here we go back in 1983 the FDA banned gay men from donating blood this was during the AIDS crisis which was another disease that the government didn't do [ __ ] about until it was far too late in 2015 that ban was lifted but if a gay man wanted to donate blood he just couldn't have sex for 12 months that's some straight-up Mike Pence [ __ ] right there but now in the middle of this pandemic the FDA relaxed their [ __ ] policy to three months of abstinence that's like an entire coughing season like where are you gonna find a man who hasn't had sex in three months so I'm actually eligible to donate for the first time since I was 18 so after a few rounds of screenings I was given an appointment to donate so what are gay blood drives like now like is everybody on Molly and listening to the new Duleep album yeah it wasn't quite like that after I arrived and was preparing to donate through the New York Blood Center they asked me why I hadn't donated since I was a teen I volunteered I was gay and that's when they told me they're not yet recognizing then you relaxed it deferral and so they weren't willing to accept my donation wow they are making it really hard for you guys you know if you want them to take your blood you can't just reveal that you're gay you're gonna have to pass as a straight guy what a straight people look like okay so first Lucas let's take a look at your outfit I'm gonna need you to stand up and twirl around not twirl spin spin around yeah okay so I've got this okay is this your straightest outfit right now your look should kind of say I'm looking for a girlfriend to shop for me because I can't shop for myself that should also do you have any clothes that your mom bought you no no no no plaid do you have any plan any plaid more play but it's really cute no no how about any bootcut jeans no I mean straight cut do you have any shoes that look like they're too casual for formal events and then too formal for casual events and they're scuffed up and they look like they're the only shoes that you've owned for the past decade yet never mind look assume right you can just you can ever see you can ever see let me hear you say you just say bro if I say take my blood bra bra and there it is why I'm there SoCal skater you know ninety I'm there and I'm sold I believe yeah the thing is we shouldn't have to as straight right what do you mean jack so being gay or bisexual isn't a real risk factor for HIV say you have a straight man who's had sex with a hundred women in the past month and never used a condom that person can still donate blood but if there is a gay man who's been having sex with his husband and wearing condoms consistently that person can't yeah I think at the end of the day we need science and not stigma to make decisions about donor eligibility FDA is sending this message again that if you're gay the only way that you can be a good clean charitable person the kind of person who donates blood as if you don't have sex so until the FDA comes around we'll just have to keep our fine fabulous blood all to ourselves [Music] while we're locked down a lot of us are getting essential is delivered to our apartments with this video I'm going to show you some of my favorite ways to open a package without getting the virus and hopefully I'll get a viral video instead try burning the virus off with a few household items you can make a spear to stab the Box open so you don't have to touch it [Music] how about just shaking the virus off what if I put it in the oven for 10 minutes at 300 degrees and then I just bake the virus off like this time to sit back and watch the likes rolling what um excuse me okay stop I worked very hard on this and I'm really not appreciating the tone of these comments maybe it's time for some professional help someone like dr. Jeff van wing his own video about how to safely bring groceries indoors was a huge viral hit I'm going to help you reduce your risk welcome dr. Jeff hey it's a pleasure coming together to help people with you dr. Jeff you seem like the perfect person to talk to you for this project thank you all I'm a doctor oh I meant that you had 25 million views on YouTube that is so cool so how do I get these boxes inside without contracting Korona Welch Ibuki you've given us a lot of thought but really I think you and I can simplify things the worst-case scenario is 24 hours on cardboard so let's use that logic here you could leave your package on on your doorstep for a day we got 24 hours dr. Jeff I cannot know 24 hours without my mushroom Lacroix and I can do Chow ice cream do kombucha ice cream is gonna melt well I suppose the Ligon off the ground like an animal look at your Buki there's just a few easy steps that we can take to make this really airtight imagine there's a little bit of glitter on those packages when you bring them into your house and time degrades that glitter and so degrades that glitter totally dr. Jeff we need good I think it's important that we show that we could still be ourselves and like live our lives and like be happy at the end of this you don't want to bring any of that glitter up to your face yeah that's right I sense a lot of stress djibouti just do the best you can if you can be good about not touching your face you're good and that's when wearing protection on your face can also help right and when you wear a mask you're putting out there that you're doing your job to protect other people that's why I got this mask it's like working Corona even get it let me run that one by the Centers for Disease Control could you I would love for them to support this what about hand protection is that good not a big fan of gloves because as you take those gloves off you might give yourself more risk all right dr. Jeff you don't get fashion that's fine but there's no harm in bringing in packages when you have the right protective gear and I have a delivery of 4 ply toilet paper waiting right outside my door probably now recommend it as you bring in packages don't be afraid to handle them with your hands but once you do dump the contents out and then wash your hands that's all it takes so all I have to do to go viral and protect myself from the virus is wash my hands well in a sense that's genius dr. Jeff thanks for all your help I bet you can't wait to release more safety videos no way I'm really looking forward to socially undestand sing with my fellow man me too dr. Jeff me too okay now I gotta go make my own hand-washing video geppu key style [Music] hey check out those views who's the doctor now dr. Jeff times right now are terrified that's why I spoke to my cousin spoke to his mama spoke to her sister who's actually my mom about a doctor who is an expert in Corona and has a vaccine but more importantly he looks the part bowtie glasses he owns books if this were science tinder I'd be swiping right okay Pete the dump Peter so dr. bowtie how long have you been working on the vaccine for the growing virus for the last decade we've had a corona virus until okay hold on we've known about this [ __ ] for ten years oh my god I almost fainted oh my god dr. P well actually much longer than that the first terrible pandemic a massive epidemic of a corona virus started in 2003 you bought this [ __ ] when I was nine yeah up until a few months ago nobody cared about our coronavirus faxes now we're working furiously to get this vaccine and I hope we can make a difference in this turns out they were close to a cure in 2018 but then we're denied funding the bottom line is had we had those investments early on to carry this all the way through clinical trials years ago we could have had a vaccine ready to go but right now I'm more concerned about the health of my new best friend and mankind's last hope okay so dr. hotels you know since you are old what are you doing to protect yourself from the virus since that as an older person you're way more affected than a young person like me there's a kind of a false narrative about this virus that it was mostly a disease and a virus of older people but the mean numbers coming out of the Centers for Disease Control show that a quarter of those hospitalized are people between the ages of 20 and 40 hello you still there you look for a key look a bit frozen okay I'm sorry it's just you said over 20 you said people over 20 well I said people between the ages of 20 and 40 20 and 44 so the bottom line is you know this business that your only social distance to protect your grandparents it doesn't fly yeah your social distancing to protect yourself or your friends guys this was my weekend I went to the Apple store last week and I touched every single iPad that they had on display oh my god I went to these Brooklyn COFF parties have you ever heard of this good going and you cough into each other's mouths and it's like a sort of spiritual sort of tantric thing sometimes not so where's this vaccine well right now is in our lab and we're trying to work with the US Food and Drug Administration and see if we can start some clinical trials gonna drop like Friday 1:00 like Sunday here's some bad news this like it's gonna take time to test because you have to go through a long period of testing to make sure that not only does it work but then it's also safe so how long will that take well the models say we really need to have something by 18 months 18 months we have the vaccine manufacture we have to vial it we have to now start the long process of clinical trials okay we we we don't we don't have time for these trials dr. Peter they have postponed the second season of euphoria and I only have five rolls of toilet paper left no I'm not gonna waste my youth waiting there has got to be a DIY vaccine that could be created using everyday household items also have these crystals right so can you tell me literally one good piece of news and the answer is this will pass the key right now is that social distancing okay hey I heard there's a doc who has a vaccine what how did you how did you guys get in here doctor shouldn't cost to get first dibs of get off this is my interview go leave whatever we're doing Michael so many people are joining the black lives matter movement including white people which i think is ironic considering how quickly why people get onto black trends like why didn't this happen earlier yes go off Tabuchi what's important though is that we're finally all on the same page we're fighting to end police brutality and end systemic racism yes yeah no yeah and now that we're all on the same page we just can focus on making sure that everybody is taking action you know effective action not just black squares on Instagram I couldn't agree more jus keep posting a black square on Instagram does nothing that's why I tattooed a black square on to my body that's commitment what does that look like you're covering up a worse tattoo it's like a third nipple actually that I'm covering but but look I'll be tattooing a black square on my body until we dismantle racism in this country or I went out of skin whatever comes for okay well you're probably gonna run out of skin first and then you'll just be a permanent black face black face [ __ ] why does everything I always do end up in black face look forget the black square what's important is to remind people there's still a lot you can do to help exactly like protesting donating volunteering for campaigns watching the help every day listening to ja Rule text messaging your black friend we good which by the way Jammu key we good no no mm-hmm not if that's all if you're doing now it's not I'm doing more I made a celebrity style video to show everybody how committed I am check to take a look at this black lives matter black lives matter black lives matter livvie that no account [Music] your spirit is in the right place but you know that there's a difference between symbols and nice gestures and stuff like that and then actual change and action you know that right I know about change yeah I'm all about change remember this guy yeah oh hey hey Walter it's not Walter I changed his name his new name is racism is bad isn't that right I love you so much reaches amiss bad oh my good see okay this is exactly what I'm talking about like what is it going to take for white people to just genuinely want action or change or we're late hey yeah Casta did you know the cops kill hundreds of dogs every year what yes and you know what most of them unarmed well we got to fund the police then all right yeah that's not even enough we got to abolish the police 100% dad we got to dismantle the entire military-industrial complex I just donated all my money to the n-double a-c-p why are we still sitting here so I don't even know we need to get out to the streets racism is bad we're hanging ten let's go let's go let's go all right okay I knew that would work I just wanted to call in and check with you and see how you've been handling quarantine so far man well I am so bored Trevor I'm so bored I've got my video games I just like solved a jigsaw puzzle I also sex it everybody in my contacts Oh out of thirst traps now and I wash everything on Netflix man everything oh well I mean if you've run out of things on your cue I could actually recommend a few shows that are really good right now no dude I mean I watched all the shows I finished Netflix the entire thing wait you finished Netflix teruki there's like there's like a million shows on Netflix yeah more like a hundred and twenty-five million but last ten million go by really fast actually it was like super quick I barely noticed okay I'm fascinated like so what happens when you get to the end of Netflix oh my god Trevor it's beautiful you just finish and then there's just like bright light that's pulling you and you just feel this sense of calm just wash over you and then all of a sudden this guy appears and boom it's the CEO of Netflix and you get your own TV show so good all right dude I think you've been in quarantine for too long like if Netflix is done you know you can just watch other platforms right yeah I know I finished all those two I did a Hulu Apple crackle a corn could be tubby muddy squirt box no Sam no Sam yeah what's no Sam okay so it was basically just every movie that doesn't have samuel l.jackson damn sure Buki I feel like you're scraping the bottom of the barrel man why don't you just read a book yeah man I was about to get that then I had a great idea how about watch all the TV shows backwards everything becomes an entirely new story like listen like Breaking Bad is actually a story about a drug dealer who reforms himself and then becomes a high school teacher and then cured of his cancer and then law and order is a TV show about anarchist cops that free prisoners Game of Thrones that's this really epic tale about this terrible show that just gets better as it keeps going it's Trevor you gotta try it you have to try it Wow I guess I gotta give it a try you make it sound really good yeah you gotta try it you gotta try all right well I gotta go cuz I gotta get back to making this show though so um have fun then oh yeah all right Merry Christmas well actually it's it's April you know what never mind Merry Christmas tree monkey see [Music]

Channel: The Daily Show with Trevor Noah

Views: 432,016

Rating: 4.7565923 out of 5

Keywords: the daily show, trevor noah, daily show with trevor noah, the daily show episodes, comedy central, comedians, comedian, funny video, comedy videos, funny clips, noah trevor, trevor noah latest episode, daily show, trevor, news, politics, daily show trump, trevor noah trump, trump, coronavirus, corona, virus, COVID, COVID-19, coronavirus cases, jaboukie, jaboukie young-white, netflix, rich people, wealthy, blood donors, blood ban

Id: vEDeh82fpQM

Length: 27min 18sec (1638 seconds)

Published: Thu Jul 09 2020