Teaching Is Way Harder Than It Looks - Dry Bar Comedy

i love my students an appropriate amount uh that's important so you ever met that teacher was like i love kids all right back off love my students they have some weird names which can be kind of awkward some weird names parents are giving out some weird names which is fine i think that's great gave your kid a weird name you just can't get mad at me if i can't pronounce or spell your weird name that's all i think right a girl got mad at me recently because i misspelled her name on the board for everyone to see which can be embarrassing i understand that but her name was rose i was like oh i don't i don't think you can misspell that word right she goes uh yeah it's r o z e well i'm pretty sure your parents were wrong right looks like when they had you they made two mistakes oh you guys don't do standing ovations for jokes okay fine another kid his name was spelled g-a-g-n-o-n like gagging on like you're all right man what are you going on everything good this is kind of a weird name whatever i call him that all year long until the end of the year i heard his girlfriend she goes hey ghanian come here because it was friendship i was like dude i've been calling you gaganon for nine months you didn't say anything i just kind of thought you were being a jerk i just thought your parents were weird i don't know nobody cares about spelling anymore right because we got spell check and we got auto correct and that takes care of most things but not everything like if you're like me and you get that red squiggly line under a word and then it gives you 10 options to choose from you're like uh it's harder now uh i didn't know the first time i'm not gonna know when you give me 10 multiple choice options to choose from right just throw something in bill gates i don't know yeah like i just got essays back from my students about their future plans what they want to do after high school and a bunch of them were like i'm defiantly going to collage [Music] you're going to angrily do arts and crafts for your joanne fabrics future that's the big paper mache plan brad i can tell there are people in the room right now they're like i don't get it i don't i have no idea what he's talking about no you're not definitely going to college right like maybe community collage but uh like or like utah state or something but not a real oh don't don't get upset with me i just googled the worst college in utah did i pick the right one i don't even know before this i was a teacher i got a i told high school english state of missouri for a couple of years and teachers in here tonight by chance you know are you are you really jet i really can't see you just yelled out what do you teach art art oh okay that's kind of different you tell students in art there's no such thing as a stupid question that's such a lie isn't it because let me tell you something when you teach not only are there stupid questions those are generally the only kind you get [Music] it's the middle october my kids were studying legends sleepy hollow headless horseman that whole thing i've got a kid in the back of the room raising his hand said mr thornsberry wouldn't that be really weird if halloween and friday the 13th happened on the same day that'd be spooky i had a kid tell me he was going to drop out of school i said what are you planning to do without a high school education he said don't worry about i'm going to get my egd maybe i knew teaching was my chosen profession i called in the office on the second day second day or had a parent mad at me i walked in and this dad jumped up he said i heard you called my daughter stupid like i would never call your daughter stupid i asked her if she was stupid i know there seems like there should be a second part to that joke but that's where that one ends that's where we go on now the thing i was most proud of when i taught was always developed a good rapport with my students and i always knew they could come to me if they ever had problems with anything that's one of the most important things i still believe that i had a girl walk into my room before school one day and she had been crying and i asked her what was wrong she said my boyfriend and my dad just got into a fight and then my boyfriend was bringing me to school he was taking it out on me and he was calling me fat he was calling me lazy and he was calling me dumb i said you'd want to be with that loser anyway he doesn't respect the person you are today which means he will never respect the person you're going to become in the future and she said you're so nice i wish you were him like i really don't make a good boyfriend she said i met my dad you're really old whatever fatty i didn't say that that's a joke but out of all the things that i will say in any of my shows that's the joke that people have an issue with it's completely made up it did not happen that way but that's the one i had a woman come to me after a show one night she's about five foot two weighs about 3 40. i have no problem with that in the world i don't care she said i didn't appreciate your little fat girl joke she said you can't judge people like that you wouldn't know about looking to me but i'm a dietitian you're right you slip that one right past me for one year of my life i was a kindergarten teacher uh and no one tells you this when you work with kindergarteners all you're doing is domesticating wild animals that is all you're doing that is it i had a kid eat his own boogers and stare at me do you know what that feels like do it feels like to watch a serial killer happen in front of you just to watch little dexter put all the pieces of the puzzle together he's like looking into my soul as he's eating his own boogers with the confidence of liam neeson in the movie taken just he's got a special set of skills taste buds not in that set of skills clearly i can tell by the way you're wolfing those things off your finger i thought it was a self-correcting problem i was like you know what bro you eat those and you see what happens then he goes back for another round i'm like called my bluff good for you look at that the buffet is open i guess we do not share like you know you just think you have i was just in over my head some of your parents know you have a kid that shouldn't have been going to school at six years old they weren't house broken yet you know that you know that you know which ones you are you'd send your kids to school with an extra set of clothes that's rude don't do that that's rude because that's a mindset you look at your kid and like there is no way this kid goes six hours same pants that is not gonna happen it's never happened so far and there's also no way i'm going over there to change those pants that's not going to happen either let's let that 22 year old with 40 000 student loan debt and questioning his life let's let him do that let's break his spirit day one let's show him what reality is like because i didn't know i was gonna have to do that change kids pee pants i didn't know first day of school just stand there this kid comes up he goes like i peed in my pants now look that ain't gonna get you girls bro you're gonna wanna work on that your game is weak if i were you i'd go land that beanbag chair back there it's absorbent you'll absorb it all just five minutes on the front rotate five minutes on the back you're probably good then it dawned on me i gotta go change his kids pants i've never done that i've never changed a kid's pants before i walk in the bathroom like don't tell anybody about this i don't know it may have been harsh that's maybe not what i want to say right now um i don't want that getting echoed to your parents we went to the bathroom you told me not to say anything about it no that needs context tell everybody you know what don't tell it i don't know what to do i just want you to forget about this even happening so we go in there and i'm like urinal protocol bro you stare at the wall i stare at that wall we don't make eye contact that's what we're doing right now i want you to lock in on that tile like a fighter pilot no side eye either weirdo we're not doing that game so then that guy grabbed like the side of his sweats i'm like pulling them down and as soon as they get like mid thigh level this monster throws his hands above his head and it starts leaning like ah there we go yeah what are you doing magic mike are you kidding me right now to go burn my eyes out of my head it's ridiculous every single day my first day my first day in this classroom my first day i'm writing my name on the whiteboard i wrote mister i got through the first letter of my first name b and this kid in the bathroom just goes yo what's up mr butt nugget just scream that at me he screamed butt nugget at me in a room full of six-year-olds i'll tell you one thing comedically he was destroying like i was impressed i was like how are you going to open on a standing ovation is that what you're going to do right now what are you going to close on because buttock is hilarious and you cannot discipline a kid while you're laughing that doesn't happen they know they beat you i was at the white board just trying to hold it together just going don't laugh it shows weakness these monsters feed on weakness because i did not take intro to butt nugget in college all right i didn't see that elective so i used to wing it i was like oh okay all right okay [Music] well well well we we do not talk like that in this classroom this kid just confidently leans back and goes really why not butt's not a bad word and neither is nugget dang it how are you now going to throw a logical argument back at me ridiculous one day this kid goes yo mr b why are you so sweaty right now thank you appreciate that one thanks yeah good question i'm i'm having what's called an anxiety attack right now because i just realized i don't know how to spell receive on the whiteboard that's what's happening right now yeah uh too many vowels in that word all right eyes e's more e a c that sounds like an s in there somewhere i'm not sure if you guys know this but there is no auto correct on a white board okay that is no replacements every single time you can't speak there's three letters you figure it out i quit teaching because of the word unnecessary that's why i retired from education try to spell that word puzzle freehand you got to take a nap halfway through it i was like it is um story a neck a scare sketch three a nicknascare why is there a c in this word a negative pointer factor away you know what who wants to take a nap right now let's do that it's a ridiculous year my favorite day though oh this is the elementary school super bowl for the teachers it's school picture day buy a mile school picture day greatest day ever because every kid showed up on school picture day like a train wreck they dress as if bomb raid sirens were going off and they barely escaped they look like their mom kicked in their bedroom door that morning like get out of bed and put this tiny sweater vest on but i have to take a shower there's no time for showers move move move move now run to school with this humongous envelope full of nothing but change trust me none of you in this room none of you have ever looked at a little head shot you got at eight years old from school and thought yup nailed it i'm so glad i wore that ninja turtle sweatshirt that morning just covered in spaghettio stains hot look like a young timberlake right there that's but here's why i blame for it after watching it happen the photographer at the school that person's a monster because they know where this ends for them these kids they know where it ends they have they they could stop it from happening last line of defense they didn't even try these evil human beings was look at these train wrecks through a camera lens and just go yes i'm so glad you wore a turtleneck shirt those never go out of style how'd you know that oh yeah you tucked that shirt into your jeans right in the elastic band that acid wash you tuck that shirt in oh my god are you do you have a rat tail haircut right now you put that down the front what are you crazy chest out be proud of that furry little tail that looks like a ferret riding shotgun in your life let's be honest that's a rare look we're gonna have my assistant put some colorful beads in that thing real quick because that's gonna comment the neon lasers we're gonna fire through the background of this picture oh yeah your mom checked that box because she's awesome all right you know what let's go big in this picture do this pose for absolutely no reason whatsoever oh and a bonus feature for you in the background of your picture we're also gonna put another picture of you whimsically looking off into the distance for no reason like like you're about to start singing in the sound of music ah because i've been doing stand-up comedy full time for the past four years but prior to that i was i was a high school teacher no don't don't clap i quit i got out i quit quit people always ask me man did you leave because of stand-up comedy did you leave because of stand-up comedy i'm always like no i left because i got tired of driving to work every day wishing the building was on fire because i taught i taught for 12 years you know first year was rough i was a substitute the substitution is the worst right especially that first day you know walking the class kids all in my face you ain't no real teacher you ain't no real teacher son because if you were you wouldn't be crying i couldn't argue then i became a i was a history teacher that's what i was went to school was history teaching i used to forget things all the time so that didn't work out and then i became the school's in-school suspension teacher oh that was that was strange because you just sit in your classroom and you wait for kids to show up i remember one time the principal escorted a kid tomorrow he said uh mr baxter this is derek derek's making cat noises in class [Laughter] he's not on his medication today we're going to leave him here with you as a safety precaution well what about my safety man i'm not a cat whisperer i got no litter box underneath my desk it's a safety issue don't worry about it then it just left first of all if this is a safety issue and you're the principal you should be doing something about it you should be standing in front of the school with a list of all the kids on medication you on your meds today no get the heck back on the bus [Applause] we can't take you today they're scared of you in there sat in this room with cat boy all day first of all he didn't want to do any work he's at the pencil shopping just staring at me and i was terrified because he had no pencil in his hand so of course like are you all right are you okay i'm trying to be good so i could go back to class i said man i don't think you could go back to class he said why not i said because you were making cat noises man once you make cat noises you don't go back to the general population you say well why can't you say something to the principal i was like say what you think i can just call the principal and be like hey he's purring now can i send this crazy behind back to you i said no man you got to sit down he didn't like that he hissed at me i don't know if you've ever been his stabbed by a 14 year old it was terrifying i knew i was nervous because i moved the stapler a little bit closer to me i said i will staple the heck out of this cat if i have to i'm a dog man anyway so i knew this kid was going to be a problem he didn't like it she's ironed me the whole time 20 minutes later another kid kicks open my door got kicked out of his class for wearing pajamas to school right he's all upset he was like you know you're crazy you you know what i'm saying no i don't you know what made me laugh about this kid you thought he was a tough guy how you how you tough wearing pajamas this dude had cornrows tupac shirt spongebob pajamas right spongebob he's like yo this is crazy yo for real why they kicked me out of class for wearing pajamas i didn't i didn't know the answer to this question so i said what a lot of teachers say when we don't know the answer to the question i said why do you think they kicked you out of class for wearing pajamas he goes well as soon as he goes as well catboy loses his mind [Music] you can't wear pajamas they're afraid your pencil might pop out [Applause] and i want to yell at him for saying it but my instinct was like that's a pretty good answer a pencil might pop out i thought it was funny for about 30 seconds then i got nervous i said what if his pencil does pop out i don't get a backup plan for that no teacher does because it's not like an iphone i can't look at the kid and say hey either put that away i'll take it i'll put it in the desk with the other pencils i collect you

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 1,353,530

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Cory Michaelis, Chad Thornsberry, Brian Moote, Orlando Baxter, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedians, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Dry Bar Full Show, Dry Bar Comedians, Teacher, Teaching, home school, being a teacher, resource, special ed, kindergarten, children

Id: wwAbISy_DTs

Length: 22min 24sec (1344 seconds)

Published: Sat Jul 04 2020