Taylor's Best Stories 3

the first time i got caught drinking and was going to get in trouble for it uh i left my phone like playing music or something like that and i got a text and my mom checked it because it was playing music for like outside of the pool where my friends and i were and because people were still coming over and so she checked it and she came out and she was like taylor get up here i was like oh something's awry and so i went up there and was like whoa what's up and she's like you want to explain this to me and my friend had texted me like i'm on the way i didn't forget to bring shot glasses this time ha ha or whatever and i was like i don't know you know we were only gonna drink a little bit and she's like you tell all of your friends to to go home right now and so i had to tell my friends to go and like just sit in my room for a while and wait and then my parents my dad got home they're gonna give me a little talk and it was like they got home they said we're gonna talk to you about this tomorrow we're gonna talk about you know to ourselves you know a little parental communal meeting over this and then we'll talk to you about it tomorrow and i was like all right well i guess i'll just sweat this out and hope i'm not in too much trouble i'll be going to college in like a year i guess so it's not too bad they can't really get me the next day some things were you know came to understanding between my parents and it became clear that they were going to oh they came down and they were going to talk to me about it but the news they gave me instead was we're getting a divorce well you were out of the hot seat so i didn't get in a lick of trouble i was like well i'm going to my friend's house then and they were like well now i need some booze you know it wasn't like this had been a long time coming it wasn't like a huge huge shock but it was almost like a macabre feeling of like man that kind of sucks but somebody is going to get to do whatever they want until college you know in the words of my friend who stole all of the lizards and frogs from the science class my sophomore year it is better to ask for forgiveness to ask for permission what did he do with him he didn't do anything with them this guy just had a bunch of lizards and frogs that he would like explain things about like we're learning about amphibians this guy right here this is a green toad southern missouri whatever the [ __ ] oh cool and for no reason he just stole them and let him go he just like just right outside the school there's a little like patch of trees and he's just like what are you gonna do with those i just thought i'd let him go go put the thing back see what he says tomorrow so it's like just released all those animals well were they his private animals or like school animals i they were just there every day so i don't know like okay but it wasn't like he brought him in from home one day probably a little bit of both you know it could have been a mismatch there was a couple frogs and then like they didn't look like rare lizards just like under a heat lamp sitting there maybe the school probably paid for the animals but you know your teacher is the one who feeds them takes care of them technically owns them speaking uh i know woody has asked before like hey guys go go rate the podcast on itunes because it helps us out and it helps the show and everything that's definitely true a couple days ago someone i work with who is like like probably early 60s or something it was like like something came up or they're like oh and you you do your podcast like at the end of a meeting kind of thing and they were like can you do that podcast thing i was like yeah yeah i do the podcast i've done it for so long and they do the thing that i dread in my professional life which is pull their phone out and go help me find it and i'm like all right go to itunes and and enter in painkiller already you know because i don't want to show them the the youtube version like an aspirin yeah like i i and so he took it out and he searched it up and he found painkiller already on itunes and apparently there are a few new reviews that people have left there and one of them says and he was reading it out loud he's like uh i'm so thankful to woody and kyle that despite taylor's developmental disorders they're willing to employ him on the show he's reading this there are still other people in the room who i work with like not like every day but people have connections i email everything often like that kind of thing and he's like why are they saying why are they saying that like you're on the show with them right and i'm like yeah it was a a meme cropped up that i'm mentally [ __ ] that explains that and i was expecting him to like not get it entirely he busted a gut about the prospect of a bunch of people on the internet saying that i was mentally [ __ ] into itunes reviews so thanks guys thanks for that more reviews like that needed pump up our itunes rating it always helps so uh so thanks fellas could have gone one of two ways and it went the good way so oh the other i forgot about this let's pop them back in my head the other day i was driving home from somewhere trying to get well get home and i was in traffic and you know how if you're in a big line of traffic and there's someone trying to exit and take a left into that turn lane you'll like kind of be courteous and you'll create a gap between the car in front of you and where you stop so that you allow them to turn left and get through so they're not stuck so there's this truck trying to get out and so i stopped and was going to try and let him through and it was at that moment that i noticed this man in the f-150 is missing both of his arms past the elbow both of them like one arm has like a little chicken wing kind of hook at the end of it and the other one's got nothing he's got it's a man in there no arms no arms and he's gonna turn by my car he needs a tesla as soon as i see him like leaning forward to do the no arm turn like this like doing stuff like that like i can't i can't not look and he saw me looking but i did that i still wanted to look because i wanted to see how he was going to make the turn and he made the turn expertly like almost as though he's used to not having arms you know silly me like in that situation i'm thinking like has he done this before like clearly he has he turned into the place but that guy surprised me goes to show you don't even need arm to drive better than a woman have i told you guys about when i worked at ben and jerry's for one day no i want to hear more okay so i was 16 i just got my license and it was summer and my dad was like you got to get a job you're not going to sit around and be a piece of [ __ ] all summer you got to go get a job and so i just went around applied everywhere i could find eventually found a ben and jerry's that was near my house and i was like okay this will be cool i'll just serve people ice cream whatever so is this a storefront or like a factory job oh no this was like the person who scoops your eyes like the the front end person who's asking what kind of ice cream do you want so it was that kind position just the the scooper and i went in there i was going to fill out the job application and an older woman who looked like a [ __ ] hippie behind the counter was like oh you planned for a job it's like yeah she's like oh you seem like a really good guy you seem like a good guy come on back we'll talk about it and i was like all right didn't even have to fill this one out and so walked back uh the same day just as that was happening she was like okay well just stick around for a while you seem like a good fit here you seem like a good fit we'll have you stick around how about you start waking making some waffle cones so like 20 minutes after i walked into this [ __ ] ben jerry's i was making waffle cones and like i thought i had a job and so i took my phone and was like all right dad i got a job at ben and jerry's you know i finally found one good for me and i just kept making waffle cones for the next six hours at this place they had me make waffle cones for like six hours like i worked a full shift at this [ __ ] ben and jerry i thought i was employed and near the end of this situation i was leaving and they're like okay yeah we'll call you about it definitely and i was like i just made waffle cones for six hours i just served people i did everything i need to do for this job and you're telling me you'll call me about it and they're like yeah we'll call you about it okay we'll let you know you know you're definitely going to get it though you're definitely going to get it as if it's some big deal scooping ice cream like you're going to make the cut and so and i got the lady's number individually and i called her back the next day and i called her the day after and i called her the day after and eventually i drove back to that location because the theater was right near there and i was going with some friends so i figured i'd stop in and talk to this lady and ask why the [ __ ] haven't i been paid for the six hours of work i did for free making waffle cones for you and why haven't you called me back telling me i have a job and i pull near the ben and jerry's and they're closed they went out of business the day that i they offered me a job i think you suck at making waffle cones yeah when she didn't call me back it wasn't even like oh we're sorry we misled you it was like uh oh yeah you know sometimes it doesn't go the way you want i was like what that's not an answer that's awful what a [ __ ] it was awful it was awful worked for six hours for free didn't get any ice cream and didn't get a job that summer you didn't get any ice cream either no no they even the the the gentleman who alongside of her was teaching me how to make the waffle cones because it's so difficult told me that i would get a free pint of ice cream per day if anyone out there from ben and jerry's is listening you owe taylor a pint of [ __ ] ice cream with interest i don't know how you do that maybe it's a gallon now all right you have six [ __ ] pints of ice cream and at least 35 for his time i don't i don't know what minimum wage was six or seven years ago but you owe him at least that because you apparently employed our friend as slave labor at ben slave labor at ben and jerry's i was i was taking like a fool i thought like sitting there making those ice cream cones i can remember being like man this lady is so cool like i'm getting a and job nothing happened i got a really good one i uh when i like five years ago i was walking through a grocery store and this elderly woman was offering bagel bites and she had just finished one batch was turning around to get the next sleeve out and i i took all of them and i left didn't buy any bagel bites but i took like nine i didn't stick around but i could just picture her turn like oh someone wants to try my vehicle fights and then oh jesus i don't know if they're gone there's a nice young man but um you gotta get some sun man it's good for you i should ever since i took uh accutane are you familiar with that the it's a drug that they used to just hand out like candy in the you know early 2000's which would like obliterate any acne that you had and like clear your skin up but and so i got on that uh and one of those i i hit every checklist of potential side effects for that thing where it's like oh it might make your skin more pale like permanently it did that to me you might bernie's deer it did that to me you might get chronic nosebleeds from the dryness that happened to me for like three years as i was taking i'd just be like sitting around like and then just she took it for a long time i took it for i didn't take it for that long i meant like the time following i think it was like an eight month cycle or something they put you on crazy one thing but it made it so easy to make your nose bleed i remember once i was sitting in i guess it was freshman year math and i was not ready for the test i had [ __ ] around in class i had like i hated math and so like it was one course that if i was gonna be bummy and of course i would be bummy in math because i just didn't like it and i got there for the test and was like you know what i'll probably be good enough at this to get a b i'd be fine with a b and i sit down to take it and within like five minutes i realized oh no taylor you're staring down the barrel of like an f and not a 58 f 31 f and so i sat there at my my desk and i went like this on the side of my nose and just pushed on it and like moved it around and did stuff like that until my nose started bleeding and i got up and was like oh mrs johnson i gotta go but there's blood on my paper you could and i left and just took refuge in the bathroom for as long as i thought would be excusable for her to give me another day to take it i come back with like 12 minutes left in class sit down like i'm gonna like start working and i just take it over to her and i'm like i'm so sorry but i just i can't i can't right now there's no way i'm gonna be able to finish this she let me come back take it a couple days later because of my nosebleed shenanigans uh still gotta see so proud well that's how you know you were definitely going to get an f if after a couple of days like studying hard and having looked at the test yes no she gave me a new test maybe an indicator though can you guys hear the sirens [ __ ] fire department jesus get there turn your [ __ ] off i don't know what you're honking your horn for and running your sirens i think they just like playing fireman at some point police sirens go off three times an episode for me and i just mute it every time another hammering another another another murder so how rough is the neighborhood out there the inside of your place looks nice oh it is nice like it and it's not even that like where i live is i mean i live technically in this in the city but it's more just like a safe area of st louis is like a very very dangerous part of like seattle or portland or kansas city or raleigh or something like by comparing any american city really like every time they make baghdad st louis is only ever in the news for bad things like i saw another like uh we have a wonderful parking lot by the library late at night why don't they run stories on our parking lots but like you'll like they showed something the other day where it was like these like graphs of the most dangerous cities by continent and i was like please just for once don't have us on this list and it was like usa [ __ ] st louis right at the top it's like god number one because i mean i would have thought chicago or l.a or maybe chicago is so much bigger the per capita well the way they gauge it all obviously is per capita and per capita st louis is the only american city that's in kind of like the realm of honduras average and that's not a group you want to be a part of so you live in a hot [ __ ] whole city oh it's it it's an incredibly dangerous city i'm just going like trump stuff people will come in from out of time or out of town rather and they'll be like i'm going to a cardinals game i'm going to a blues game or whatever it's until two years ago i'm going to iran's rams game and i'm like hey that game ends at like 11 p.m be careful park somewhere that's really populated so that you'll be walking back in a big crowd and they're like oh yeah i bet trust me i walk downtown in portland all the time and it's like i pet you too [ __ ] you're in for a hammering you don't walk back the right way like is it that bad because i feel like i'm an idiot from portland in this scenario every time i hear about these like terrible parts of town or whatever i look around and i think it's not that bad i went to a restaurant three weeks ago there's a restaurant here called bar louie there's a bunch of them uh or a handful of them and i went to one uh one of its more popular locations like i guess it was like five weeks ago now and i was there with someone and she and i were sitting and she wasn't from the city area she was from further out west where it's safer and we were sitting having a beer eating and it was 8 45 at night not super late and out of nowhere a giant group of hoodlums to the right who were eating next to us start sprinting sprinting out of this restaurant right onto the street like it's a city area so there's just a street and a bunch of cars parked and [ __ ] and you run out there and i was looking around like through the window of the restaurant looking out towards them like what the hell are these guys running out there for i look out there and there is a big fat white [ __ ] and a short black guy in a fist fight and i go oh it's good that all these fellas are running out there they must be trying to settle it down no no they made a circle around the brawlers in order to make sure that neither of them could escape and that they had to keep fighting and so they kept fighting out there this this white this fat white [ __ ] god she took some lauzon-esque punches and kept coming back for more this black guy decked her in the face to the point that everybody else in the restaurant was like oh [ __ ] man oh he ain't gonna hit her again like that weigh him is this a big white fat chick versus like a cat williams type dude they were both probably like five six ish she was fat he was not he was like skinny but like a little bit of muscle on him this dude well to be fair she was antagonizing just as much as him but this dude punched her in the face knocked her onto the ground this lady in the restaurant with me goes call the police counter police he beat her up and so people are calling the police trying to get the police to show up and uh you want a first date in this scenario no it was uh someone that i was [ __ ] and we wanted to get food afterwards okay she goes down stands back up like almost right away which is remarkable the dudes like hoodlum friends pull up in some ratty ass chevy blazer but instead of him running over and getting in it right away they continue to fight she had both of her legs scraped to [ __ ] her uh her pantyhose or whatever torn to shreds she went over to him one final time after a few punches had been thrown and and this was keep in mind this occurred over the course of like 25 minutes uh after like the first 10 minutes it was like the police probably aren't coming like they've got other [ __ ] to do and so like he was about to go get in his car with the chevy blazer he gets one foot in there and she comes over and she's still doing her i [ __ ] you i [ __ ] you you hit like a [ __ ] or whatever and i'm and i'm i'm enjoying watching because it's entertaining and he comes over takes his foot out of the car walks over they're between two cars you know like parked at the uh the parking meters they're right between two cars in that very small area this dude gives like that sucker punch pop where he hits her so [ __ ] hard in the jaw she goes down hits her head off the side of this parked corolla or whatever the [ __ ] and then is just laying there on the ground popped up again like another minute good for her she was like pam from archer like just and then the dude gets in gets in his car they start to drive away and they're like flashing a bunch of gang steins and [ __ ] and then like 10 minutes after this victory yeah and then like 10 minutes later i was like you know what i i don't think the police are coming and they didn't they just never showed up [ __ ] got their [ __ ] kicked out of her right in front of this restaurant 8 45 pm in a large metropolitan area police never showed up because they're dealing with the hammer murderer or some [ __ ] like they don't know i i i knew a cop and he said that as you get wiser and you're a veteran you show up to fight slower and slower and i was unimpressed with his attitude towards this thing right there's someone that really might need his help but he didn't give a [ __ ] yeah it makes sense from the perspective of keeping him safe but it's totally piece of [ __ ] when it's like you know you know you're not a librarian right you know you're a cop it's your job to rush there and and help people but you've never come on guys you've never done anything where when you look back at it you're like this was i could have gotten my ass kicked and i shouldn't have done that oh yeah uh uh yeah when i was in college i was wasted outside of a bar once and a friend of mine it was winter time and so nobody was taking cover for this bar outside and i was so drunk a buddy of mine convinced me he's like hey nobody's standing out there i bet you could go out there and pretend to be a bouncer and collect cover down in front of this bar and i was like yeah i bet i could and they're like no really go try it i'm like i'll do it yeah and for like a few people i was like oh oh id all right five dollars give me five dollars id like pretend you know this is a holographic key this is [ __ ] it's ten dollars and after a little bit of time and a little bit of money i was like this is this is stupid i should probably go back inside and stop fraud defrauding people oh i just had another one of those cringy like your shitty memory thing having to do with an old folks home when i was like seven i was with my mom at my great-grandpa's old folks home and i was walking around the whole place all day man looking back those poor old people all they're all dead now guaranteed that's 20 years ago but i walked around all day with my shirt like this over my nose and my mouth looking around like i'd be like oh hey grandpa and like at the time i was just a kid so i was like god it smells [ __ ] weird in here and so i was just covering my nose and my mom had to keep telling me like taylor that's incredibly rude stop it's like oh yeah you you can smell it you die too like i don't know like a man with a turban was standing behind my dad in line and my my sister like pulled his sweater and she was like looked at a genie she's like six years old so it's like but my dad just like shut the [ __ ] up when i was five or no i guess maybe even younger like four i was at a daycare and my mom dropped me off and whatnot and i was playing with all the other little kids and when she came back to get me she was like jeff fun taylor we're walking out to the car i was like no no i don't want to leave i want to go back in there and play with those little brown bears she's like what those little brown bears and i'm like yeah those little brown bears right over there and it was just four little black kids that i'd been playing with and uh when i i thought that the word lumpy meant ugly and so i loudly shouted at a deformed man when i was six at a grocery store that he was a lumpy lumpy man and my and my my gran and my mom had to tell me too that's we're leaving i i didn't i didn't get a well i i caused some problems for my mom i was a leash kid i got put on a leash in malls were any of you leash kids you were and uh my i actually was uh notorious for breaking off the leash me and you there yeah the wrist leash had the wrist leash was a one-and-done thing because it takes no effort at all for a little child to wriggle out of her wrists people it was when i went to the black house white market or [ __ ] nordstrom or whatever with a whole vest like i was going skydiving you know and like i it was like being a dog or i just start running and just get pulled back they uh they had to close a macy's once because i rather they had to keep a macy's open because i was so dedicated to my hide and seek game of being inside those circular clothes things oh those were the best man yeah i loved hiding serious thinking done in those things you could you could you could get a lot done i wonder how taylor would have fared under my mom like i don't think you'd have been a runner that you'd be like she'd beat the hell out of someone yeah nobody took some licks as a kid oh man yeah i just like the thought of trying to get away from my mom in a mall scenario or something like the the consequences were too high you wouldn't want that i uh i did something else where i i must have been seven my brother was probably five i uh you know those wagons like those play school wagons that you pull that like you see moms walking down the street and there's two kids in there um i took one of those and we had an enormous hill in my backyard when i was growing up and a giant willow tree popped right in the middle of it it was the only tree there and the woods were hundreds of yards back and so i told my brother we were gonna we're gonna have a fun ride down the thing what i didn't tell him is that i would not be joining him and i was gonna tape him up so he couldn't he couldn't get out so i taped him i taped his arms together and you know the only thing you have to do is the older brother like because like obviously if he resisted even like five years and seven years old he would have escaped all you have to do is the older brothers be like yeah it's gonna be so much fun yeah it's gonna be great can you believe it yeah we're gonna have a good time and then he was all taped up and i remember standing there with my hand on this wagon ready to push him down the hill to see what would happen like on this in this [ __ ] play school thing and i hear my dad from the balcony behind me taylor do not let go of that wagon and i hear immediately the telltale signs of an adult running quickly down the stairs like all right it is now or never and so i let go of this because immediately and immediately it starts creating down this hill like my brother's bouncing up and down and i had i hadn't aimed him that well i was like he's just gonna go straight into the middle of the [ __ ] yard what could possibly go wrong he'll slow to a stop and be fine i'm not going to get spanked no i just let go of it and he goes straight into that willow tree and oh he's like at 20 miles an hour i mean not 20. he was [ __ ] quick and he obviously not strapped in hits the tree his forehead no no i taped him up i didn't tape him into the wagon so he can't he can't protect himself basically correct correct it was uh hindsight's 20 20 on all this i've had a lot of time to mature but there was nothing more scary than seeing him hitting that that tree and then turning around and being like oh no like that wasn't worth it and now he's here now he's here and that was i never taped anyone up and pushed them down a hill again we'll suffice

Channel: PKA Highlights

Views: 62,181

Rating: 4.9516277 out of 5

Keywords: pka, pka clips, pka highlights, painkiller already, painkiller already clips, painkiller already podcast, painkiller already highlights, FPSRussia, WoodysGamertag, pka podcast, pka clip, kyle pka, FPSRussia PKA, pka podcast highlights, pka plays, pka highlight, pka moments, Taylor's best stories 2, taylor pka, murkadurka, painkiller already taylor

Id: fQEw64auuK8

Length: 28min 12sec (1692 seconds)

Published: Sun Dec 06 2020