WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW,"
EVERYBODY. I'M YOUR SHOWS STEPHEN COLBERT. ( PIANO RIFF )
IT'S GOOD TO BE WITH YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING
HERE. BOY, WHAT A TERRIBLE WEEKEND. YEAH. WHITE SUPREMACISTS FROM AROUND
THE COUNTRY CARRYING SHIELDS, CLUBS, BODY ARMOR, AND AUTOMATIC
WEAPONRY DESCENDED ON CHARLOTTESVILLE, VIRGINIA TO
HOLD A RALLY CALLED, "UNITE THE RIGHT." THE RALLY WAS A CLEAR ATTEMPT TO
SPARK VIOLENCE, AND IT DID. ONE OF THESE WHITE SUPREMACISTS
DROVE A CAR INTO A CROWD OF COUNTER-PROTESTERS KILLING ONE
YOUNG WOMAN, HEATHER HEYER, AND INJURING 20 MORE. IN ADDITION, TWO VIRGINIA STATE
TROOPERS, WHO WERE MONITORING THE RALLY FROM THE AIR, WERE
KILLED WHEN THEIR HELICOPTER CRASHED. OUR HEARTS GO OUT TO THE VICTIMS
AND THEIR FAMILIES. IT IS DIFFICULT HOW
HEARTBREAKING IT IS TO SEE THIS HAPPENING IN OUR COUNTRY. BUT HERE'S ONE THING THAT'S NOT
HARD TO EXPRESS: NAZIS ARE BAD. THE K.K.K.? NOT A FAN! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT WASN'T HARD. THAT ACTUALLY WAS EASY. I ENJOYED SAYING IT. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT ON SATURDAY, WHEN THE NATION LOOKED TO OUR PRESIDENT TO
REBUKE THESE HATE GROUPS, ALL HE SAID WAS THIS:
>> WE CONDEMN IN THE STRONGEST POSSIBLE TERMS THIS EGREGIOUS
DISPLAY OF HATRED, BIGOTRY AND VIOLENCE ON MANY SIDES, ON MANY
SIDES. >> STEPHEN: "MANY SIDES?"
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) MR. PRESIDENT, THIS IS
TERRORISM, NOT YOUR ORDER AT K.F.C. ( LAUGHTER )
"I'D LIKE THE TEN PIECE BUCKET WITH POTATO WEDGES, FRIES,
MASHED POTATOES, YOU KNOW WHAT? MANY SIDES. MANY SIDES." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
"COLESLAW." ( PIANO RIFF )
HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY SAY YOU CONDEMN THIS IN THE STRONGEST
POSSIBLE TERMS WHEN YOU DON'T EVEN NAME THE GROUPS RESPONSIBLE
OR SAY WHAT THEY DID? "I STRONGLY CONDEMN
YOU-KNOW-WHO, ABOUT YOU-KNOW-WHAT, AND AREN'T WE ALL
NAZIS IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT?" ( LAUGHTER )
I'VE SEEN ANGRIER YELP REVIEWS! AND, BELIEVE ME, THEY WEREN'T
AFRAID TO USE THE WORD "NAZI" WHEN DESCRIBING HOW LONG THEIR
JALAPENO POPPERS TOOK. HERE'S THE PROBLEM. THIS IS THE NUT OF WHAT'S MOST
DISTURBING ABOUT THIS IS THAT THE PRESIDENT CAME OUT AFTER A
TRAGEDY AND, AFTER HE MADE HIS STATEMENT,
REASONABLE PEOPLE COULD NOT TELL IF WAS CONDEMNING THE NAZIS. AND IT'S NOT LIKE TRUMP IS A
SHRINKING VIOLET. HE'S "KNOWN" FOR CRITICIZING
THINGS. IF ONLY THE PRESIDENT WAS AS MAD
ABOUT NEO-NAZIS MURDERING PEOPLE IN THE STREETS AS HE'S BEEN
ABOUT HILLARY CLINTON, THE "NEW YORK TIMES," CNN, JOE
SCARBOROUGH, KRISTEN STEWART, THE CAST OF HAMILTON, DIET COKE,
NORDSTROM NOT SELLING HIS DAUGHTER'S CLOTHES, ARNOLD
SCHWARZENEGGER, MAYOR OF LONDON SADIQ KHAN, "ME," THE STATE OF
NEW HAMPSHIRE, GOLD STAR FAMILIES, PENN JILLETTE'S LAS
VEGAS SHOW, THE MOVIE "DJANGO UNCHAINED," MERYL STREEP, AND
LADY GHOSTBUSTERS. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I DON'T UNDERSTAND. I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND! AND WHILE HE WOULDN'T NAME THE
PERPETRATORS, TRUMP "WAS" VERY QUICK TO SAY WHO'S "NOT" TO
BLAME. >> IT'S BEEN GOING ON FOR A LONG
TIME IN OUR COUNTRY. NOT DONALD TRUMP, NOT BARACK
OBAMA. IT'S BEEN GOING ON FOR A LONG,
LONG TIME. >> STEPHEN: "YEAH, OBAMA AND I
BOTH SHARE SOME RESPONSIBILITY HERE, I MEAN, I EMBRACED ALT
RIGHT RACISTS, OBAMA IS BLACK, WE BOTH CONTRIBUTED TO THE
PROBLEM IN OUR OWN WAY ." WELL, AFTER THE PRESIDENT BLEW
THE EASIEST CONDEMNATION OF ALL TIME, TRUMP TOOK CRITICISM FROM
"MANY SIDES, MANY SIDES." ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
MANY SIDES, I, I -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT HE DID GET PRAISE FROM ONE GROUP: NEONAZIS. ONE PROMINENT WHITE POWER
WEBSITE WROTE, "TRUMP COMMENTS WERE GOOD. HE DIDN'T ATTACK US. HE JUST SAID THE NATION SHOULD
COME TOGETHER. NOTHING SPECIFIC AGAINST US." "HE SAID THAT WE NEED TO STUDY
WHY PEOPLE ARE SO ANGRY AND IMPLIED THAT THERE WAS HATE ON
BOTH SIDES! HE SAID HE LOVES US ALL." CAREFUL, GUYS. HE SAYS HE LOVES YOU NOW, BUT
ONE DAY HE'S GONNA LEAVE YOU FOR YOUNGER NAZIS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) >> Stephen: THANK YOU, JON. THANK YOU. >> Jon: HE MIGHT COME AROUND! >> Stephen: OF COURSE, NAYSIES
AREN'T THE ONLY ONES PRAISING DONALD
TRUMP. SO WAS THE KLAN. LIKE FORMER K.K.K. GRAND WIZARD
AND CURRENT TAXIDERMY LIZARD, DAVID DUKE. ( LAUGHTER )
SEEN HERE BEING RACIALLY SUPERIOR. ( LAUGHTER )
THANK YOU, JON. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
DUKE WAS AT HATE-A-PALOOZA, AND SAID THIS:
>> WE ARE DETERMINED TO TAKE OUR COUNTRY BACK, WE'RE GOING TO
FULFILL THE PROMISES OF DONALD TRUMP, AND THAT'S WHAT WE
BELIEVED IN, THAT'S WHY WE VOTED FOR DONALD TRUMP. >> STEPHEN: SO THE KLAN VOTED
FOR DONALD TRUMP. THAT'S RIGHT. I REMEMBER THEY WORE THOSE
SPECIAL "MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN" HATS. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I CERTAINLY HOPE WE'RE
APPLAUDING FOR HATS. ( LAUGHTER )
FACED WITH THIS P.R. CLUSTERMUNCH, ON SUNDAY, THE
WHITE HOUSE RELEASED THIS: "THE PRESIDENT SAID VERY
STRONGLY IN HIS STATEMENT YESTERDAY THAT HE CONDEMNS ALL
FORMS OF VIOLENCE, BIGOTRY AND HATRED AND, OF COURSE, THAT
INCLUDES WHITE SUPREMACISTS, K.K.K., NEO-NAZI, AND ALL
EXTREMIST GROUPS." OKAY. FINALLY, SOMEONE WILLING TO
STAND UP, BUT WE DON'T KNOW WHO THAT PERSON WAS BECAUSE IT WAS
"AN UNIDENTIFIED WHITE HOUSE SPOKESPERSON." ( LAUGHTER )
WHY UNIDENTIFIED? "LOOK, OF COURSE, WE DON'T
SUPPORT THE NAZIS OR THE K.K.K. YOU'RE NOT GOING TO USE MY NAME
ARE YOU?" ( LAUGHTER )
"I COULD GET IN TROUBLE." ( LAUGHTER )
AND HERE'S THE THING. SOME PEOPLE DIDN'T NEED THEIR
ANTI-NAZI STATEMENTS EXPLAINED LATER. LIKE THE MAYOR OF
CHARLOTTESVILLE, WHO CALLED THE RALLY A "COWARDLY PARADE OF
HATRED, BIGOTRY, RACISM, AND INTOLERANCE." WHICH COINCIDENTALLY WAS ALSO
THE THEME OF STEVE BANNON'S SENIOR PROM. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) "UNDER THE SEA." >> Jon: "UNDER THE SEA." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) >> Stephen: ALSO, YOU MIGHT
RECALL THAT, ON FRIDAY, THE WHITE SUPREMACISTS HELD A TO
HAVE-WIELDING MARCH ONLY HOLDING TICKY TORCHES. HOW LAME. THAT'S LIKE VILLAGERS COMING
AFTER FRANKENSTEIN HOLDING SCENTED CANDLES. "UGH, SANDLEWOOD VANILLA BAD!"
( LAUGHTER ) AND THE COMPANY THAT MAKES TIKI
TORCHES RELEASED A STATEMENT SAYING, QUOTE: "TIKI BRAND IS
NOT ASSOCIATED IN ANY WAY WITH THE EVENTS THAT TOOK PLACE IN
CHARLOTTESVILLE AND ARE DEEPLY SADDENED AND DISAPPOINTED. OUR PRODUCTS ARE DESIGNED TO
ENHANCE BACKYARD GATHERINGS AND TO HELP FAMILY AND FRIENDS
CONNECT WITH EACH OTHER AT HOME IN THEIR YARD." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( APPLAUSE ) YES, GIVE IT UP! GIVE IT UP! I GOTTA SAY, IT'S PRETTY
TROUBLING WHEN A BACKYARD DECORATION COMES OUT SWINGING
STRONGER AGAINST NAZIS THAN THE PRESIDENT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) YOUR MOVE, LAWN FLAMINGOS. ( LAUGHTER )
SO, FACED WITH GETTING MORALLY DUNKED ON BY PRETTY MUCH
EVERYBODY, TODAY, THEY DUG A TRENCH, LOWERED THE BAR INTO IT,
AND THE PRESIDENT SLITHERED OVER IT, AND SOMEHOW FOUND THE
COURAGE TO READ A STATEMENT CLEARLY WRITTEN BY SOMEBODY
ELSE: >> RACISM IS EVIL AND THOSE WHO
CAUSE VIOLENCE IN ITS NAME ARE CRIMINALS AND THUGS. INCLUDING THE K.K.K., NEO-NAZIS,
WHITE SUPREMACISTS AND OTHER HATE GROUPS THAT ARE REPUGNANT
TO EVERYTHING WE HOLD DEAR AS AMERICANS. >> REPORTER: WAS THAT SO HARD? WHY DID THAT TAKE TWO DAYS? "HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT NAZIS?"
"GIMME 48 HOURS TO GET BACK TO YOU." ( LAUGHTER )
AND TRUMP TRIED TO HEAL A NEWS CYCLE BY REMINDING US WHAT WE
ALL HAVE IN COMMON. >> WE ALL SALUTE THE SAME GREAT
FLAG. >> STEPHEN: NO, WE DON'T. ( LAUGHTER )
I'VE SEEN THEIR FLAGS. THEY CAN'T AGREE ON WHICH ONE TO
SALUTE. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OKAY? DON'T MIX US UP. ( PIANO RIFF )
HE DIDN'T ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS THERE, BUT LATER HE WAS PRESSED
ON THE ISSUE BY CNN'S JIM ACOSTA:
>> MR. PRESIDENT, CAN YOU COULD EXPLAIN WHY YOU DID NOT CONDEMN
THOSE HATE GROUPS BY NAME OVER THE WEEKEND? >> THEY'VE BEEN CONDEMNED. THEY HAVE BEEN CONDEMNED. >> WHY ARE WE NOT HAVING A PRESS
CONFERENCE TODAY? YOU SAID ON FRIDAY WE'D HAVE A
PRESS CONFERENCE. >> WE HAD A PRESS CONFERENCE. WE JUST HAD A PRESS CONFERENCE. >> CAN WE ASK YOU SOME MORE
QUESTIONS ABOUT THAT SIR? >> IT DOESN'T BOTHER ME AT ALL. I LIKE REAL NEWS. NOT FAKE NEWS. YOU'RE FAKE NEWS. ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
>> STEPHEN: SEE HOW FAST YOU CONDEMNED CNN, RIGHT OFF THE TOP
OF YOUR HEAD WITH NO SCRIPT. NEXT TIME, LIKE THAT, BUT WITH
NAZIS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT'S SIMPLE. HE CAN DO IT. HE'S VERY GOOD AT IT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND HERE'S ANOTHER THING I DON'T LIKE ABOUT NAZIS. A LOT OF THESE GUYS SHOWED UP TO
THE RALLY "WEARING THEIR UNIFORM OF KHAKIS AND WHITE POLO
SHIRTS." BECAUSE NOTHING STRIKES MORE
FEAR IN THE HEARTS OF YOUR ENEMIES THAN COSPLAYING AS THE
ASSISTANT MANAGER OF A POOL SUPPLY COMPANY. ( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF ) LOOK, NAZIS, YOU DON'T GET TURN
KHAKIS AND WHITE POLO SHIRTS INTO THE OFFICIAL UNIFORM
OF RACISM. WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO GUYS
WHO ACTUALLY DRESS LIKE THAT? PEOPLE LIKE ME AND JAKE FROM
STATE FARM? ( LAUGHTER )
DO I HAVE TO THROW OUT ALL MY POLO SHIRTS NOW? WELL, TWO CAN PLAY AT THAT GAME. IF YOU GET TO RUIN KHAKIS AND
POLO SHIRTS, I SAY RED BASEBALL CAPS MEAN YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. I'LL SIT DOWN WITH "THE MOOCH"!
